Help with going back to work

[yuka]

The OP has over $6k in bike expenses over the last few years, for example. If my spouse spends that much on themselves just on bikes, you better believe I'm going to have a hard time when they decide that I am spending too much on relatively small things.

So since I got crucified on the bike, let me clarify the story a bit.

1) My main hobby outside of work is triathlons. That is about all I do for "fun" and for "health". Without doing some form of tri, my health and happiness is very low. So if I am going to spend stupid money on something, at least it has some benefit outside say a nice car or whatever (my car is worth about the same as my tri bike)

2) I had my eye on bikes for a while. Shopped around. For the kind of bike I wanted, the low end was around $1800 (Felt), but the one I ended up getting was around $3000 (Scott). Part of the problem is the only Felt dealer in town is not a very good person, and I did not want to deal with them / support them.  So sure, could have saved $1200 here.

3) I literally got a 2nd job to pay for it. This was pre-baby. I worked a few hours a week for 3 months on a 2nd job. Got about 5-6k for that side job. Blew 3k on a bike, gave rest to family / savings account fund. If I am going to blow 3k on a bike I don't need, at least I 100% paid for it from an EXTRA job I worked.

In comparison wife wanted a new something. I reminded her of my bike story, and said she could get a side job for 20-40 hours and pay for it. (This was pre kid, she did not have the kid in the way). She just stared at me with empty eyes.


So I don't know...    We have very different attitudes about this stuff.

Once again, I don't think you're answering the right questions. If you could say "my wife encouraged me because she knew how important fitness biking is to me," or "that was X years ago when we each kept a separate fund spending account, and this was the majority of mine for that year," then those would be pretty good explanations. Saying "this is different because it's actually important," or "I made sure that I was pulling more than my weight when I made this purchase," is answering the question that only you're asking.

Contrary to how you've concluded your post, I think you two may have nearly identical attitudes. "This is worthwhile and it's something I like and deserve. We can afford it, so what's the big deal?" It seems clear to me that you're not happy when she thinks that way about purchases, so you should also avoid doing so.

**As an aside, this post is not about the bike. The bike is merely a backdrop against which I'm trying to make my point.

[MrFrugalChicago]

Once again, I don't think you're answering the right questions. If you could say "my wife encouraged me because she knew how important fitness biking is to me,"

This also happened, she was 100% on board. You are assuming things that were not said.

Contrary to how you've concluded your post, I think you two may have nearly identical attitudes. "This is worthwhile and it's something I like and deserve. We can afford it, so what's the big deal?" It seems clear to me that you're not happy when she thinks that way about purchases, so you should also avoid doing so.

**As an aside, this post is not about the bike. The bike is merely a backdrop against which I'm trying to make my point.

Not sure I agree with that, sorry.

If some couple comes up to me with these sample situations:

Situation 1) Wife wants to buy $60 kid sweater. Husband does not.  I would counsel them that if they can't agree on the purchase they should not make it.

Situation 2) Husband wants to buy $3000 bike. He found a job on the weekends to make an extra $3000. Wife is totally on board. I would counsel them to go for it, just make sure not to ignore the wife in pursuit of working too much.

[mm1970]

I say "I would like to be frugal now so I can do what I want in 10 years". She stares at me blankly. "What would you do if you aren't working?". Sigh. :(

I think this is the thing you need to settle.  She really doesn't understand.

I understand her desire to be a SAHM.  I totally do.  Be there for the kids more, sick days, vacation etc.

Is that what you want to do?  Do you frame it like that? 

"Look, things that I like to do are: ride my bike, fix my car, gardening, playing baseball with the kids.  I think it would be fun to do a daddy/kid triathlon too!  I also think I should learn how to cook, and I'd like to do more house projects myself.  I can't really do much of that right now because I'm working.  So, how do I get to where I get more free time to do these things?  I have a couple of choices:
1.  I do them now.  I would have to work less.  If you were to go to work, even if just part time, then I could do more of these things.
2.  I do them later, by either retiring early, or by saving enough money to cut my hours/ do consulting.

Which do you prefer?  Can you please help me get there?"

I don't know if this will work or not.

But you are correct - you have different money philosophies, re: the bike.

I personally like the idea of "working extra to pay for things" with side jobs.  Honestly, I think it's how my family taught the kids about money.  We were poor.  There were no extras, so we all had to get jobs.  Sometimes the jobs were for "needs" not "wants".

However, right now, I don't *need* to do that, as an adult.  We make enough money.  We aren't in debt.  We have kids.  Neither one of us is going to do a "side job".  And that is where your wife is coming from, I think.  Finally she's in the situation where there is "enough money".  "Getting a side job to pay for something" is ... manufactured.  There's ENOUGH MONEY.  There's no real *need*.  What's different is that you two don't agree on how the money should be distributed.