My spouse and I don't see eye-to-eye on private school.

[DavidDoes]

I want to take our daughter out of private school. My wife does not. In fact, we were both on the same page until just recently.

Back when I made this post, I managed to get my wife on-board with getting into public school. The problem is that we live in a zone that is served by a very crumby school. They do poorly on tests, parents have bad things to say, communication is lacking (I have heard stories, and I've even tried to contact the school myself), they've had issues with needles being found in bushes from street-involved individuals, etc. I definitely don't want my child going there.

So we went onto Schooldigger.com and Greatschools.com and explored. We found some good ones in other neighborhoods with homes that wouldn't raise our rent. We went to a new families open house at one of the schools, and were very excited. The school looked great! And their communication has been awesome!

Then, just yesterday, the private school that our child goes to awarded us another $3,375 in financial assistance, bringing the monthly cost down to $612/month. Normal tuition is $1,750/month. (Ridiculous, I know.) This got my wife very excited. And myself as well, admittedly.

But when I express my concerns, she will not listen. She says that because her parents failed at providing her a stable childhood and the support that she needed (she moved more than 18 times before she turned 18), that this is something that we have to do. I feel that she is completely disregarding my own upbringing. When I was five, my left eye got poked out and a surgical implant was put in. This took out any future of playing sports. So I never played sports. Also, my parents were Jehovah's Witnesses, so I never spent time with children outside of school, and I never got holidays, birthdays, etc. However, I don't bring that up in my argument, because I don't think that matters as much as the fact that I am a better parent than mine were. I read books on parenting. My child trusts me. I have spearheaded our financial triumphs. I am teaching my daughter to read, because in her private school they don't start until first grade (which I understand, but she asked me to teach her).

Sorry, guys, I feel like I'm just rambling now. I'm not sure what to do at this point.

My wife wrote me an email and expects a reply. I refuse to do so, because I don't email my spouse. She feels like I'm not sympathizing, but I'm actually just weighing the pros and cons. I actually pride myself on being able to put myself on each side of any argument. It's why I've changed my views on some things in the past.

Guess I'm just looking for some sympathy of my own on this one, because at this point, it looks like we're going to continue to not have health insurance or be able to save 30% of our income like we'd planned if she'd gone to public...

edit: To clarify...

I've tried reminding her about how excited we were to be able to invest some of this money into our daughter's hobbies, allowing her to explore her individuality (she wants to do more art, wants to learn to play violin, etc.). While the private school does a lot of these things (much more than the public schools around here), they still come at a cost. And what if she wants to explore something that the private school does not offer (pretty much anything science-related)?

[pbkmaine]

Wait -- what is the deal with not having health insurance?

Does your wife realize that you are one accident or illness away from total financial disaster for your family?

Keeping your family fed, clothed, housed and in good health are the top priorities.   And in the US, due to the high cost of medical care, that  means paying for health insurance.   Private school is a luxury that falls somewhere well below those things on the list.

This.

[Laura33]

Ok, first, you are 100% right on the substance.  You have to have the basics covered (like health insurance!) before your spend on the extras (like private school). 

The problem is that you guys are both driven by different emotional needs.  It sounds like you value having your kid be a "normal" kid in a normal neighborhood school, and you are worried that being the only local kid going to the private will create an "odd man out" situation (do I have that right?  I am sort of inferring that from your childhood story).  OTOH, your wife seems to agree with that in concept but is panicking about moving because it triggers all the fears of instability from her childhood.  So now that the school is offering more money and taken some of the financial pressure off, she is defaulting back to staying put.

So the first thing I'd say is that she has to feel heard.  I am sort of similar to your wife in that regard, and I can tell you, the fear of change can be overwhelming.  So she is going to need to first see that you get how much of a big deal this is for her before she can move past it.  And then find a way to show her that you are trying to come up with a solution that addresses that fear.  Like:  you do not want to move again and again, you are looking for a forever place, just one with a good public school.  Like: you are scared about security, too, which is why you are so focused on the money, because *you* don't feel secure if you can't afford health insurance -- you are scared about what would happen to your kid if you were in an accident and had hospital bills and couldn't work.  Etc.  Help her understand that you are *both* focused on what is best for your child -- you just have different ideas for how to get there.  And then talk openly about your own fears -- don't jump to the solution, don't be defensive or angry she isn't paying attention to them (she can't when she is wrapped up in defending her own choice), just be vulnerable about your own experience and why that makes you want X for your kid, and you are open to other ways to accomplish that if she has any ideas.

I think if you guys can put aside the specific decision for a bit and connect on the emotions that are driving *why* you each want what you want, that may help break some of those walls down.

Also:  please don't discard the email idea.  Yes, you need to talk talk talk.  But some people struggle to put their words together in the moment, especially if they get emotional about it -- they get choked up and like the worlds are rolling around in their head and they can never get the right words to come together in the right order.  When I had a really big thing I wanted to talk over with my husband, I actually wrote him a letter, because when I tried to talk about it I couldn't get it right, so I spent the time I needed getting the words right on paper -- and then we talked about it.  Now, this may not be your wife at all.  But if she feels like she needs the distance or space or safety of email to express herself, she may see your refusal to engage via email as refusing to hear her.  If you can try to meet her partway on the email, that may be a good first step toward more open communication.

[cacaoheart]

Also:  please don't discard the email idea. 

Seconded. My wife and I find emailing each other helpful for discussions, giving more time to flesh out thoughts and providing something to look back to. We talk in person too, though the emails help move things along well.

[shelivesthedream]

WRT the email thing: Your wife probably struggles to say everything she wants to say in the moment of discussion it with you. Maybe she gets stressed and forgets stuff, maybe she'd rather have one big let-it-all out monologue so you can't interrupt, maybe she wants to have it down on (virtual) paper to refer to later. Maybe she finds it hard to listen to you properly in the moment so she wants you to write it down so she can reflect on your views in her own time.

Your post seems very kind and emotionally conscious to me. I think you both need to acknowledge that this is partly to do with fears from your childhood.

My advice is to write an email with the following structure:

1. Explaining how your own residual childhood fears affect the discussion. Be honest and vulnerable.
2. Affirming that you both want the best for your daughter
3. Asking if her childhood fears affect the discussion (use words like "I wonder if" and "it feels to me like")
4. Outlining the financial aspects of the discussion

Then you have two options:
1. Just email it to her and let her read it in her own time.
2. Print it out, sit down with her, and read it out loud to her. Tell her she's welcome to discuss it now or take some time to think and either email back or have a verbal conversation. Then email it to her for her reference.

[clarkfan1979]

My wife went to private high school and got a 4.0 GPA. I went to public high school and got a 3.1 GPA.

We both went to large public universities with similar rigor, but different states. I ended up with a 3.45 GPA in college. My wife ended up with a 2.8 GPA in college. I went on to grad school and got a Ph.D. I'm now a college prof.

It is my personal opinion that grade inflation is a major problem at private high schools. In order to retain their students, private high schools need to give out good grades.

[Todge]

My wife and I also differ slightly in opinion on government and private schools. I don't believe in paying for a private school if it's just a private version of what government schools offer. I think we should send our kids to the government school and work with that school to make it better. That may seem like blue sky ideology, but there is a growing body of research that backs this idea up. Here for example: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/10/121010112540.htm

So it's better to be involved in your kid's education, be present as a parent that send to a private school but have to work longer hours to pay for it and therefore be more hands off. Also parents that send their kids to private schools sometimes have the attitude that "the school lis good so I don't need to do as much - that's what I'm paying them for". Again research suggests this isn't true.

[Hargrove]

My SO likes the private school idea. She went to them for free because her parents taught there, and thought the environment was kinder to shy or quiet kids (which she was).

Below a threshold that 10k+ annual income doesn't mean that much to you, I really doubt the impact on the family is made up for by shockingly better schooling. I would have to get a "private school for the kids" job to pay for something like that, which seems to erase the benefits. If your wife will be overjoyed for 600/month in private school and that's just an inconvenience for you, it may be worth it, but hopefully that's a conviction about the school and not just anxiety about leaving it. It's hard to tell, here, if she was once on board with leaving. However, it's completely unreasonable to prioritize private school above insurance from either a "think of the kids" or a "financial sense" angle. You're paying a penalty on top of the private school, AND can't save anything? That's just untenable.

Regarding email: I felt like you did about using email to resolve serious issues, at first. I felt almost as if it were passive-aggressive, like I was getting a decree about "how things are" instead of being invited to discuss it, and was not interested in that at all. I strongly prefer handling any conflict in person as a sign of respect for both parties, and also as a means of acquiring more information (body language, eye contact, etc). There is a ton of opportunity to miscommunicate in solely text during a heated discussion.

However...

My SO gets so anxious during significant disputes with almost anyone, she will forget half or all of what she wanted to say, leaving her very dissatisfied with the discussion. She also reacts so strongly, emotionally, she will focus on something she's afraid of or react so quickly to something that upsets her, she will be unhappy later with the cues she sent out. For her, writing the email is the sign of respect. It helps her

1) Say everything she needs to say because it matters
2) Allow her a break while (recipient) mulls it over
3) Allow her to receive, in its entirety, the response, in writing, to review it without reacting to just one piece or forgetting something
4) Create a response that explains in detail both her emotions and her thoughts about the topic thereafter

Email discussions have been SO successful for us when she needed them (I certainly don't hope to have all or even a quarter of our discussions via email), I am quite happy to have a discussion via email any time she wants now. I read it as a topic she's taking seriously, that she's asking for help with handling, and with which she would like to avoid the in-the-moment misunderstandings. Almost every one of these has been very successful, and ultimately reduced how many we had to have via email. If anxiety is playing a role, I would strongly encourage you to see the email as a request for assistance that's worth offering.

[skp]

I personally hate to make change.  Moving is not something I want to do.  The thought of it makes me extremely anxious.  I also don't believe it's a good thing to have children change schools unless absolutely necessary.  It's hard on them.  So I see your wife's point.
But I am also practical.  Private school in your case is not practical. You don't have health insurance.  IMO on your current income if you can't afford health insurance you can't afford private school.  So I see your point too.
Is  there a middle ground here?
Have you explored Obamacare?  Maybe your eligible for a subsidy.
What bothers her more- the kids changing schools or moving?  If not moving is more important- There usually are open enrollments, where you can stay where you are living but the kids can go to better schools.   If the kids need to change schools IMO now is a better time (socially) than later. 
If she is just plain insisting on private schools.  Make her own it.  She needs to come up with a plan to pay for it.  Is she really OK with not having health insurance?  Does she realize the dangers and is prioritizing private school over health care. Does she realize that scholarships come and go.  You aren't guaranteed subsidies every year from a private school.   IS your wife a SAHM?  Can she get a part time job- make just enough to pay for the tuition? Or if not can she get a second job.  If it's that important to her. Can you get a side job?  Is there some way you can make an extra or cut something out of the budget.  If she wants this, have HER come up with some juggle your finances to pay for it.
In your discussions, she needs to problem solve.  You can't have everything.  Something has to give.  What does she want to give.

[High Income Parent]

Number one, you need to have some kind of health insurance. Even if you could explore a health sharing group, that is better than nothing and could save you a great deal of money. 

Two, I sympathize with your wife in that a stable school, childhood would be very important to me (I moved every two years as well and being introverted, it was a lot of work to make friends each time.) I don't know how your child is, but that could be a concern.
But at the cost of health insurance, no way. That has got to be a priority.
You mentioned equal cost housing in a good school district if you moved. I don't know if this is an option, but there are sometimes quality free charter schools that will take you from any area in town. Is that something you could look into?

It might be hard to change schools, but involving the child in what is best for the family can help him/her to feel like he/she is making an impact and helping the family in the long run.

[ubermom4]

Other posters have brought up excellent points -- especially concerning communication. I attended private and public schools -- so did DH and our kids. I moved states several times, so did DH, so have our kids. As concerned and focussed parents we have tried very hard to provide a loving and supportive home for our children.  School change was hard and good for us. We always stressed the positive when going in to a new school. Our teenagers realize how well they were raised when they hear about their friend's families.

 Number one cause of divorce and marital fighting is about money.  If your wife is anxious about school, she will be much more anxious when you encounter any other life challenges and have not the funds to make them easier. If you cannot afford health insurance, this school has to go. What if your daughter was injured? As parents you are not giving her a good environment if you do not protect her from known dangers (lack of health insurance for you and your family). Do you go over a monthly budget with your DW and show her that you are not gaining any ground? Do you want DD to have some help paying for college? Is your wife's  plan to have her  DD support her parents when retirement has not been carefully saved for? I suspect that your wife does not see the monthly figures to help her repeatedly visualize the very serious consequences of this decision. Perhaps going over the budget each month is a backdoor approach to this tuition issue. Hope this helps you.

[Missy B]

My wife went to private high school and got a 4.0 GPA. I went to public high school and got a 3.1 GPA.

We both went to large public universities with similar rigor, but different states. I ended up with a 3.45 GPA in college. My wife ended up with a 2.8 GPA in college. I went on to grad school and got a Ph.D. I'm now a college prof.

It is my personal opinion that grade inflation is a major problem at private high schools. In order to retain their students, private high schools need to give out good grades.

Grade inflation at private schools is fact. My two younger siblings went to New Fancy Private School, very highly regarded, definitely winning the marketing war here in my city. They bragged quite a lot about their average grades, but never about what they did to get them. Which was, to move every child who was not getting at least 80% in the regular, matriculation stream, into the 'remedial stream'. Or have them drop it entirely. My sister never finished Gr 12 math or did any sciences other than biology. She was also unable to take the advanced version of high school english (survey course of english from Beowulf to present) because they didn't have enough students to even offer it.
In the traditional english private school system, advanced english classes are a cornerstone, so that was especially disappointing. And that a private school would allow, encourage students to not complete math? Or sciences? Ridiculous. Her math teacher was awful, by the way, and barely spoke english.
I had better teachers and way more opportunities for interesting options at my large private high-school in Calgary.