Author Topic: Gifts vs. money vs. "sponsorship"/ also how to talk to sis about nephew  (Read 3634 times)

Tallgirl1204

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Not sure how to start this, but it bugged me enough that I figured out how to sign up for the forum so I can get some input. 

Today I received my first letter ever from my nephew.  Yay!  I was delighted to open it, expecting to hear all about his life and adventures, and maybe even a picture, or a thank you for a recent visit I had hosted.   

But...   Today's letter was basically a shakedown for money to sponsor him to go on a school trip in the spring.  It said that in lieu of a Christmas present, he would prefer cash to go on the trip. 

To put it mildly, I was very disappointed that this was the first letter this kid had ever bothered to write me, and it was a request for money.  His parents can well afford to send him on the trip (at least, they earn more than I do-- hard to say how much they save), and in fact the Christmas present is well on its way.

I am disinclined to support this trip.  But...  I recently sent his older brother a generous college graduation gift.  Have I set a precedent by doing so?  And... How do I broach this with my sister, who may wonder why I'm not stepping up to the plate? 

Lastly, how do I address this with my nephew, in a way that may benefit him in the long term?  Or should I just suck it up and write a check?

I know there is a face punch in here somewhere, but dang if I know who to swing at-- maybe me?



lbdance

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Re: Gifts vs. money vs. "sponsorship"/ also how to talk to sis about nephew
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2013, 10:50:12 PM »
My 2 cents.

I would write back to him to acknowledge the letter, and also inform him (nicely) that his Christmas present had already been sent before you got the letter.
I would then also comment that you look forward to hearing about his school trip (in a way that would encourage more communication rather than less)
Any letters at this age I would assume are shared with parents, so as your sister did not contact you directly, writing back to the nephew would suffice for me.

If you did not give similar support to the older sibling then i wouldn't think you have set any precedent, except for a graduation gift when he gets to the same age.

Another option would be to have him come to your house and 'earn' some money towards his trip. However I am not sure if they live close enough for this.

gooki

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Re: Gifts vs. money vs. "sponsorship"/ also how to talk to sis about nephew
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2013, 01:14:52 AM »
I concur with lbdance.

Freedom2016

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Re: Gifts vs. money vs. "sponsorship"/ also how to talk to sis about nephew
« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2013, 05:53:55 AM »
I'm not sure if this is relevant in the context of a school trip, but for another perspective: I know of some organizations (e.g. Girl Scouts) who do not allow students' families to pay for their activities (including trips) even if they are financially able to: the programs are trying to teach kids responsibility and entrepreneurship and the value of a dollar and all that good stuff.

Admittedly those programs usually have the kids sell something or provide a service like  car wash rather than ask people for cash gifts...

But I used to be fairly religious and when I wanted to do missionary-style trips, I had to raise my own support (financial sponsors), so I wrote letters like your nephew did to a number of family members with whom I wasn't otherwise in frequent contact. In retrospect I'm not sure it was wise of the program sponsors to put that kind of pressure on me (and I'm not sure I'll let my own kid participate in a program that does the same), but as a young-ish kid, where else was I going to find people who could contribute?

Could you talk to your nephew's mom to learn more about the nature of the trip before deciding how to handle it?

PS - I really relate to your feelings of disappointment. About 5 years ago a long-lost friend from high school found me on FB. It was great to hear from her, and I was excited to catch up by phone when she suggested it. And then the excitement turned to total disappointment when it became clear that she was part of some pyramid scheme and was trying to recruit me. Boo. I've never felt the same about her since.





Tallgirl1204

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Re: Gifts vs. money vs. "sponsorship"/ also how to talk to sis about nephew
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2013, 07:50:46 AM »
That's a good point-- this is a "missionary" type trip, and that may be what's going on-- that parents aren't supposed to provide support.  I generally support the cause (it's more of a service than a prosyletizing (sp?) type endeavor) but I'm just wound around the axle regarding feeling shaken down for money. 

I will talk with his mom and find out more, and if I decide to send support I will make it clear that it is an early birthday present for next year... 

We have a kid of our own, and we are unwilling to participate in school fundraisers, sponsorship gathering, etc.-- i.e., we will write a check to the school for the event, but we won't sell gift wrap, candy etc. to the neighbors... So there is a difference in philosophy at work here, in many ways. 

rockstache

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Re: Gifts vs. money vs. "sponsorship"/ also how to talk to sis about nephew
« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2013, 09:42:02 AM »
Have you written to your nephew about your life and interests, such that you expected some kind of reciprocation like that?

I generally support the cause (it's more of a service than a prosyletizing (sp?) type endeavor) but I'm just wound around the axle regarding feeling shaken down for money. 


It sounds like you are projecting adult feelings onto a kid (although you didn't mention his age). If he's 17 and able to work, I might agree with you, but if he's 11, then like someone else mentioned, how else is he supposed to raise the money? You shouldn't feel obligated to help, but I also don't think you should feel offended that he asked. You can always just say no, but as it is a cause that you support, I'd probably just send him the money I felt comfortable sending.

abhe8

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Re: Gifts vs. money vs. "sponsorship"/ also how to talk to sis about nephew
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2013, 11:37:43 PM »
no need to be offended by his request. :) just dont' send him money. no need to hash it out with your sister. depending on his age, i think a donation in leu of a gift is a good option or offering him a job with payment in the form of the donation.

Tallgirl1204

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Re: Gifts vs. money vs. "sponsorship"/ also how to talk to sis about nephew
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2013, 08:18:29 AM »
Thanks to everyone for the input.  FWIW, the kid is 16.  I haven't been super close to my nephews, but I have reliably sent presents for special occasions and holidays, participated on their Facebook pages with likes and congratulatory comments, etc.  They have never written thank you notes (something that I value greatly, and yes, which I do) but I have tried not to judge that;  I think this incident brought resentment about that up to the surface.   

I appreciate the opportunity to have people look at this from different sides and present angles I hadn't thought of.  With your input, I am looking at it as something that his peers are probably also doing to raise money for this trip, as something that (perhaps) his parents haven't weighed in on (or if they have, they are transmitting different values than I have, which isn't the kid's fault-- one can only learn what one is taught, after all). 

I will probably send a check after the holidays with a note about my pride in my nephew's many accomplishments, and ask him to consider it an early birthday present. 

Who knows?  This time I may even get a thank you note, although I will coach myself not to expect it. 

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!