Family Envy?

[onemorebike]

We're getting ready to move back closer to family and into a smaller home/more scaled back lifestyle. My brother, and his family, are much better off than we are and don't qualify as mustachian (though I'm certain will retire early no problem!).

My concern, moving closer to them, is that my children will quickly notice how much smaller our house is, how many fewer toys they have compared to their cousins, etc.

Curious, has anyone dealt with this and how did you explain this to your kiddos?

-onemorebike

[Goldielocks]

Yep!  My lovely sister, who is married to a CEO, lives 10 minutes from me in a $1 Million dollar home, has extensive renovations ongoing, a trip to China, or Africa, or Europe for 3 weeks once a year, a trip to Hawaii for 2 weeks once a year, and a couple of small trips in between.

They have season ski passes, kids are in team sports, and the kids have very, very nice gear and clothing.

What this means for me? 

I am so happy for her.  We get awesome clothing hand-me downs that are fabulous for the kids.   She is stay at home mom, that still puts in a ton of effort with volunteer, taking care of her MIL, shuttling kids to all their activities, and keeps her house very very clean.  Because of my BIL job and family focus, she entertains a LOT.  As in 20 people just showed up at her door and 16 of them are staying for the next 5 days.

My kids?   Never really mention it or notice.  What they DO notice is when Grandma and Grandpa spent far more time with their cousins.   Then we also moved 2000 miles to be within 10 minutes, and our kids are so happy, money is no difference at all.  They love swimming in their pool, for example.

On the other hand.... I think my kids have noticed (the mini MMM's that they are) that my SIL (other side of the family) and kids get a lot of handouts from the other grandma, because they "don't make as much money".   It is actually "economic outpatient care" in that family situation, and the result is that although they actually make within $10k of our family's income, they have a ton more "nice" stuff, fancy foods, etc., courtesy of Grandma and SIL constant asking..   

Moral of the story?

My kids picked up on "you get what you earn".    No jealously if they can see how a great job and hard work pays off.   Jealous when they see their other cousins getting stuff that they did not earn.

[NW Girl]

Love your outlook and how you've taught your kids to see the world. 

[onemorebike]

Goldielocks,

WOW! Something to aspire to!

I think we are in the same boat where being around grandparents (and aunts,uncles and cousins) will have a counter balancing effect. My girls are young (5 and 2) so they are less likely to be dialed in to "you get what you work for" so I was looking for a couple of ways to be able to talk about this openly - like around my brother - that won't come off as judgmental or offensive. I've already failed at explaining openly how his kids are allowed more time on their tablets than we are. (they spend hours and hours a day where we try to spend more time interacting with the kids - even when we sometimes fail at that goal)

Thanks for thoughts!

[Ynari]

As someone who grew up in a military family with cousins whose father was in the oil industry...  I have to say it didn't affect me much.

At least, not when I was little.  We weren't as close (geographically), but we would visit on a few holidays.  They had a big house and Christmas was always super fun when we would spend it there. One of my earliest memories is watching TV on their brand new big screen TV. It was impressive, sure, but I was happy enough to return to my usual life when we left.

When I grew significantly older (late teens) and we would visit, I started to get a little...  jealous? Resentful? Maybe not that exactly. But I started to realize that my cousins were a lot more free with their [parent's] money. They could just spend hundreds of dollars on things they wanted, while I had to practice that whole 'financial management' thing with my money. Sometimes I'd go shopping with them just so they would buy something we could both enjoy (fancy tea, etc.). I don't know whether to feel guilty about that or not, but I've since grown out of the whole "spend time with someone just so they'll buy you stuff" phase because even if we both benefited, it did not feel like an equal relationship and I did not like that.

So, in my experience, the little ones won't be too bothered by it as long as they are happy with their own lives. When they get older, it may take on a different nature, particularly as teens sort out their feelings about money and possessions and their social standing.  I think I'm much more conscious about money than they are, though, and I certainly would not trade my upbringing for theirs.

[VirginiaBob]

I have 2 sisters that are both Environmental Scientists who rail against those who waste energy, etc., yet own 3,500 SF houses and each own 3 cars.  When they visit me, they always make a big deal when I throw a piece of paper in the garbage can.  Yet, I only fill up 1 garbage can per month, while they take out 2 bins per week, 1 with regular garbage and 1 with recylables.

Want to reduce your carbon footprint?  Stop using so much stuff! 

[hodedofome]

I think if the parents are not envious, and generally happy for other's success, then the kids will be too. My sister and bro in law live in a million dollar house as well. Our boys love playing with their cousins. And they especially love going to their house that has a trampoline, basketball court, playground and putting green, along with a huge yard for games. One day they'll figure it out.

But they'll never see us parents being jealous, because I'm genuinely happy for them and we bless them out loud and pray for their continued success. Like Goldielocks, I'm happy for the nice hand me downs as well! Haven't ever needed to buy clothes for the boys, and we get nice cars for cheap or free. Although, the latest cars they drive will probably still be out of our price range...

[homehandymum]

I agree with hodedofome.  The kids will take their cue from their parents.

In our house, we use the following phrase (and variations of it) a lot:
"Well, different families have different rules and priorities"

The only sticking point might be if one of the cousins turns out to be one of those unpleasant people who needs to make a point of how big their new i-phone is, and what brand their shoes are etc etc.  But I don't know how I would deal with that.  Delicately, I think :)

In our extended family, the cousins (both sets) live in another city, and yeah they all have more toys and wealthier parents, but then they both have both parents working, whereas we homeschool, so it's a definite lifestyle-choice trade-off (also, the houses aren't that hugely different - it's the different city locations that mean we can afford a huge house.  If we lived in their city there would be no way.)  Thus far, it hasn't seemed to be a problem as they're all nice kids and just enjoy hanging out and playing games when they get the opportunity to do so.

[MayDay]

We don't have this problem with my kids' cousins (only one cousin and her mom is a hot mess) but we certainly see it with friends.

We talk about how different people make different choices with their money, different families make different amounts of money (and we make lots! More than most people in the world! We are so lucky to have everything we need!) Etc.  For the most part at age 4 and 6, my kids are just happy to play with whatever fun thing their friends have.

I grew up close family friends with a fairly well off family. My friend had all the cool stuff: multiple American girl dolls (so jealous!), cool clothes, country club members. Did you know you can go to the CC snack shop, order whatever you want, and just charge it to your parents' account!?! Wow!  I learned a lot being friends with her. But I never went home and asked for an AG doll, I knew it would never happen.

[TeresaB]

We grew up as one of the "poorer" families in my homeschool group. We weren't actually poor at all, but we were one of the larger families (seven kids) with one of the lower incomes (my father is a liberal arts professor; a lot of the other fathers were lawyers, military officers, etc). I never really minded for two reasons. The first is a bad one: I have always been kind of a snob, so I just secretly judged my friends' parents for wasting money on cable when they could just read a book. (Yes, I was a judgmental 9yo.) The second one is a good one: My family was very close and loving, partly I think because we did stuff together instead of watching stuff together. So if I had ever had the opportunity to pick between my family with our crock pot chicken and someone else's family with their pizza, it would have been a no-brainer.

[Goldielocks]

I agree with hodedofome.  The kids will take there cue from their parents.

[\quote]

You got me ...  I am the one jealous of all the money and childcare my MIL throws at my SIL, but I would hate to have her intrusiveness that goes with it.

My kids get their queue from me, indeed.

Argh.  I hate it when my faults are pinpointed so accurately!  LOL

[ubermom4]

You pose a good question but one we all repeatedly find. We have moved frequently and have 4 kids who are all now teens.  Sometimes we were perceived as 'rich' and other times we are perceived as 'poor'. As the kids age they noticed this and we talked about it a fair bit. We stressed that having money (not stuff) is not good or bad but gives one options. Our schools teachers often criticized 'money' as a concept. The kids  will follow your lead about the fancypants relatives and I would not discuss anything about their money with your kids until your kids ask. Your kids are often around other kids who have more 'stuff' or 'better stuff'. Your kids have friends whose parents buy them a candy bar with each trip to the store. One of the most important skills in life is to understand that you don't need all of the things that everyone else in your peer group has or wants. Extravagant spenders are comparing themselves to other big spenders and often want more -- regardless of income/status/etc. I hope this helps.

[alice76]

I agree with many of the posts on this thread, especially those dealing with non-judgmental parental attitudes. We live in NYC on a teacher and scientist's salary, and our son goes to private school because I work at said school. We make sure our son has plenty of friends in different tax brackets, but regardless of their net worth, we gravitate towards families who value experiences over things. My brother's children have much more fancy stuff, but so far our son sees the value in our home cooked meals, family "adventures" (parks, museums, US travel, hiking, library, inexpensive concerts), and frequent social time at apartments/parks/museums with our wonderful assortment of like-minded enough family friends.

Also, from the start, we've set material holiday and birthday expectations low. One or two coveted gifts that he really wants and a few gorgeous books suffice. However, our son also gets very excited by a special birthday  cake he helped his dad  bake, tree lighting and free cocoa in a neighborhood park with 4 other families, our summer ritual of Friday night picnics in the park. And, we don't buy toys in between.

Of course given our city and his school, he sees the material inequity every day. We've made conscious choices in his upbringing that have helped him value the other stuff, too.

[deborah]

When I was a kid, I had a cousin who was the same age as me. I desperately wanted a Barbie doll, and mum told me we were too poor for me to have one (now she says it was because it was consumerist and sexist - but she never gave those reasons for not buying things - we were always too poor). I guess I was about 8 when we visited my cousin. She had every different Barbie, and every piece of clothing they sold for the doll, and even special barbie wardrobes for all the clothes. Boy, was I envious! Mum ended up buying me a Barbie during that trip. I still dreamt of the clothes and the wardrobes, but having one Barbie satisfied me.

[h2ogal]

When I saw this post title I thought it would be about actual Family Envy (not family's money envy). 

I had family envy as a kid.  I totally envied very large families with lots of kids who lived in big tumble-down houses and always had a lot of exciting stuff going on.

I wound up marrying into a huge family, which I really enjoy.  (DH has 6 sisters, all close in age).

[LiveLean]

Agreed with the comments on kids taking their cue from parents.

My wife's sister's family are total spendthrifts. Huge house, new cars, boat, Disney timeshare, and the type of folks that keep Apple stock pushing all-time highs. They have saved nothing for their kids college. (Of course, these are the type of folks who end up getting lots of aid because they have no actual assets.)

Our guys will not owe a dime when they graduate from college. More importantly, they won't be addicted to the consumer lifestyle like their cousins.

[hunniebun]

Lots of good points already made, and I will add one more. I think it is important to explain to kids that there will always be someone who has more than you and there will be someone who has less, just like there will always be someone who can run faster than you, but their are people who aren't able to run at all.  A person's value isn't tied to what they have or do, every person is valuable for who they are.  Important lessons to learn that related to all manner of things.  We have been trying to focus more on gratitude for what we have by saying 3 things we are thankful for each night before bed and I find it helpful to temper my envy that creeps up too!

[StepMum]

Very helpful post, if anyone has any advice for step moms I would appreciate it. Hub and I live very modestly and with a very different mindset than the other home, which he is in the greater part of his time. Why don't you have robot vaccums? (yes, as in multiple). Um, because we have a broom that cost $3 instead of 300 (or 600, 900 if you add those suckers up). We try our best, and have work expectations where in he can 'earn' vegetative game time, which does seems to promote a happiness to play what we do have access to instead of complaining about those game/tech items we don't have. Open to suggestions!

[benjenn]

From the time my kid were 6 and 8, I was a single mother but made a decent salary.  We were better off financially than most of the people in our family but, because we're not a close family, having cousins that were better off - or being the cousins who were better off, was never really an issue.  We've always lived within our means and I've always told the kids that debt is he devil.  There were many things they didn't get that lots of their friends in the neighborhood had.  I think some of those other families considered us to be less-well-off than we were, especially with me being a single mom, but that didn't matter to me.  And I was always happy that it seemed that our house was the gathering place for most of the neighborhood kids, whether we had big screen TVs and video games (we didn't have either) or not.

I think it's good to tell kids that people are different... they make different choices, especially about their money.  And I think my kids learned, too, that you can't judge how much money someone has by how much stuff they have... you can have a big house, nice cars and loads of stuff and be in debt up to your eyeballs or you can have a nice house, decent car and enough stuff along with a healthy bank account.  It's about values more than stuff.  That's the important lesson.