Does anybody else not allow video games?

[El_Viajero]

My wife and I decided long ago, independently from one another, that video games are pathetic waste of time, energy, and life. Anecdotally, I've had friends and family members get so addicted to video games they probably could have received a clinical diagnosis. It's really sad to watch.

Anyway, our son is now 7 years old and many of his friends are playing Minecraft. That's all we hear about: Minecraft, Minecraft, Minecraft. I can only imagine how much worse it would be if we allowed him to actually play it. Interestingly, he doesn't complain much about not being allowed to play the game. He just talks about stuff in the game that he's heard about at school. He also draws pictures of the game and once built a small model of a laptop with Minecraft being played on the screen. For one moment, that little project made me think, "Man, am I being a dick by not letting my kid just play this game?" But then I remembered that he spent an hour making something with his hands instead of doing a vegetable impression in front of a glowing screen and I felt pretty ok about it.

Has anybody else disallowed video games from the start? If so, how has it gone for you over the years? Also, I'm NOT posting this to discuss the merits of allowing or not allowing your children to play video games, so let's not go there. I fully accept that I'm in the minority of parents here. Whatever. I'm looking to hear from others who have forged a similar path as my wife and me. I'm curious about how it has gone for you and your kids.

[MustachioedPistachio]

PTF.

DW and I have no children, but I will chime in.

I wish my parents wouldn't have allowed me and my brother to play video games. Well, allowed isn't really the right word. Wish they hadn't 'substituted a gaming console as babysitter'. I still play games with friends, but, yeah, I'd rather be more geared to go outside or do something with my hands or or or...

My brother fits your anecdote, unfortunately.

[Michael in ABQ]

I spent a good chunk of my teenage year on a computer, mostly playing video games. While I definitely had fun playing with my friends it was probably not the best use of my time.

Our older kids were also enthralled with Minecraft. Their cousin and some kids at school introduced them to it a few years ago when they were around 8-10 and then when my mom came to visit one time, she let them use her phone to play it. We spent the next several months telling them repeatedly that we were not going to let them download it on one of our computers.


We made a decision very early on that our kids were not going to play video games, get phones, etc. Only in the last year or so have we loosened up on the video games front (they can get a smartphone when they turn 18). Our second oldest participated in a STEM club at school where they used Raspberry Pi computers running Linux. He saved up about $100 to buy one and convinced us that he wanted to use it for coding and programming (11 or 12 at the time). Once he got it, it quickly turned into a platform to play games more than coding. There was actually a version of Minecraft he downloaded (no internet, I only connect it sparingly for them to download a few programs at a time) and some arcade style games.

Our third oldest also saved up and bought a Raspberry Pi so now we control their time to weekends only for usually 30-45 minutes by taking away the adapter to connect to a monitor. They will let our 6-year-old occasionally play an arcade style game or our 14-year-old. Our third oldest (11) definitely has a lot harder time with impulse control and turning it off. They still spend hours reading, playing outside, and doing other things so it's definitely not the typical childhood experience of spending hours glued to a screen. I think setting the limits very early on was helpful. Also, not letting them play online or have unrestricted internet access.

[StarBright]

We didn't allow videogames until the pandemic and we ended up using them as a crutch to get our jobs done in the ugly "schools are closed but you still have to work full time" phase.

We have learned that our oldest has a hard time turning games off and gets extremely irritable from too much screen time (but particularly from streaming and certain types of video games).

Earlier this year we limited video games to Saturdays only. We were inspired by a Swedish friend of ours who does Saturday candy and games with his kids. (https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20211004-lrdagsgodis-swedens-saturday-only-candy-tradition#:~:text=Swedes%20are%20so%20into%20the,five%2Dyear%2Dold%20daughter.)

It has worked very well so far. When he asks for games we just say "games are for Saturdays." And on Saturdays, he gets tired of the games eventually so we don't have to tell him no. He usually peters out somewhere between the 3-4 hour mark.

To your question we aren't cold turkey, but my son is very behind socially.  So we also don't want him to be totally ostracized and we essentially continue to let him play games so he has something to talk about with his peers.

He did start middle school this year and gaming seems to be the norm. He also uses a computer for most of his classes, and his teachers seem to program a lot of games as learning activities, so we've been getting a lot more requests for games the last couple of months.

We also cut streaming a couple of months ago. Something about autoplay and dopamine and his brain do NOT do well together at all. He can check out DVDs from the library though whenever he wants, and he enjoys that and has no problem stopping.

[ixtap]

Most of the people I know who played video games excessively also learned to obsess over their hardware and turned that into a tech career. Who knows what they will make of it, but many of our nephews seem to be headed the same direction.

I grew up without a TV. It created a lot of awkward moments well into my 20s, but probably contributed to the fact that I am little swayed by peer pressure or what everyone else is doing.

I always read the way some other people play video games, so I am not at all convinced that bans will automatically mean a child grows up more well rounded. Of course, I also turned my childhood obsession into a career, but teaching isn't as lucrative as most tech careers.

[Freedomin5]

DH teaches computer science and robotics, so he will often teach our 8 year old to code using the Lego kits, Scratch, and other STEM kits. DD uses the kits with adult involvement and supervision though.

The only “video games” we allow her to play, under supervision, are Lexia, which is a reading program provided by her school, and Typing Club, which is a gamified typing program also provided by her school.

When she was a toddler, she played Leo’s Pad on the iPad, which is a gamified adaptive learning app developed by Stanford researchers to teach early literacy, numeracy, executive functioning, and other skills necessary for the early childhood learning environment.

It seems to be going well for us so far. DD’s most recent standardized academic achievement scores suggests she is well above grade level. She has many friends with whom she enjoys playing outside or going to each others’ homes. She is generally able to amuse herself with many hobbies such as reading, writing stories, sketching, playing with Legos, playing with her hamster, etc. She’s at times bored, but she is learning to manage her own boredom rather than expecting a screen to turn her into a passive recipient of entertainment. Her teacher recently commented during parent teacher conferences that, compared to her classmates, DD is able to focus for long periods of time on a single task and shows creativity and perseverance on tasks. Not sure if it’s related to not gaming, but so far, we’re happy with the person she’s become and is becoming.

[cupcakery]

We never allowed them in our house.  We saw too much addiction in family and friends.  It has worked out great for us.  Our kids are very active and well rounded and think it is weird that so many people just sit around.  My son would sometimes play at a friend's house, but since that was rare, he never got addicted.  I would say that almost all of my friends that have allowed video games have to deal with some level of addiction.  Two people in my circle have sons that are the stereotypical kids in the basement playing video games.  It is scary.  My brother is so addicted to video games and substances that he barely functions.

[charis]

We are outliers in that our tween kids don't have phones or a gaming console/pad.  We did have an old Wii that died.  However, we don't have "rules" about gaming or screen time.  The kids don't watch TV except cartoons on sat/sun morning and Friday movie night - we just don't turn it on most of the time and they simply don't have the typical devices. My 13 year old has no interest in gaming, mostly reads and does an extracurricular art.  The young one is more fixated on gaming but has played minecraft (for short stints) maybe five times in the last year and will be allowed to watch a quick youtube video or play a game on my phone (5-8 minutes) as a reward for something.  He initially complained about stopping but when we showed that it had no impact on us or on the duration, there's been nary a peep.  He spends most of the time outside when at home.  I feel like there's a middle ground to being screen addicted and being exposed to it in moderation that allows the kids to self-regulate.

[chemistk]

I grew up in a household that categorically refused to have anything other than computer games like Roller Coaster Tycoon. For a time all I had was Minesweeper and Solitaire. When I would go to friend's houses, I would play video games for HOURS - we never really did anything else, at least until my friends urged me to get off the screen.

Our oldest is 7 and last Christmas we got our kids a Switch. There are definitely negatives to video games, but after about 6 months, our kids only play the switch sporadically. They WANT that outlet, partially because half the kids they know have VR gaming headsets, and partially because so much of their cultural upbringing has video games and the characters within baked into their conversations.

For them, and for us, the switch is enough. It's very interactive, and Nintendo provides a number of baked in parental control features. One thing I've heard frequently stated is that in appropriate amounts, video games can be a huge boost to problem solving skills and can especially help kids with ADHD focus their energies quietly.

We also have a Wii that my SIL's family no longer wanted. It's hooked up but the discs don't read well so the kids don't play it too much. The switch on the other hand can be scaled up or down, is a great tool on road trips, and is enough to scratch that itch without jumping fully into the console gaming world.

[IslandFiGirl]

My kids are 25 (girl), 20 (boy), and 18 (girl). The girls never cared to play any games. My son wanted to and I let him play a few times when he was 8 or 9, but I noticed he would get so angry when something didn't go well in the game and he'd be a jerk to the rest of us because of it. I said, ok, then we are done with games forever, that's not how we are going to live our lives...getting angry at a make believe world. So that was pretty much it. He knew my rule was no video games and it just wasn't a big deal. I was divorced, so at times when he would be at his dad's he would play a game with his step-brother, but he would quickly lose interest and want to go outside to play basketball or ride bikes or something.

Now that he's 20, he doesn't play them either. He is in the military and spends his weekends volunteering or doing other activities they have set up for single military members, which usually includes super fun stuff like swimming with sharks! 100% I'm happy with the choice I made to ban video games from our lives. I think my son experienced a lot more things because he wasn't obsessed with being home playing a game.

As a sidenote...I've been single for a number of years, and anytime I meet somebody to date, I usually ask if they are into gaming because I really don't want to waste my time waiting around for someone to finish a game so we can go out and do real life. No judgement about games, to each his own, it's just not my cup of tea and I see it as a waste of time, and I'm allowed to have that opinion! :)

[Malossi792]

Please don't.
You'll just make your kids outsiders compared to their peers.
This was my childhood: no video games for far too long, shitty computers unable to run anything that was 'in' at the time later. Also no cable TV or any other way to watch movies for far too long.
Results: left out of conversations, then play dates, etc. Left behind by peers on any social metric.
An often lonely and depressed adult.
I'm sure my parents had good intentions.
Please don't multiply me; this is misery.

[Papa bear]

My kids have video games, a switch.  Plus I’ve got the lot of systems and games that I had from growing up and that college roommates left behind.  Got those all fixed up and working. We don’t let them play too often, maybe an hour or 2 a week.  It’s not a big deal, we throw them outside to play a lot.  Plus there’s plenty of time for art, board games, etc when it’s raining.

But. You ban video games? Your kids will find them somewhere.  Friends houses, hiding stuff from you, etc. Try parenting your kids to have limits or prevent addiction.  There will always been pressures in life to play with the fun new thing.  Teach them while they’re at home that it’s ok to have some of the super awesome new cool thing, but take it in moderation.  Teach them to handle these things in the future.  Don’t send them off in life without that skill.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[cats]

So far we do not have a gaming console, our son does occasionally play "educational" video games on a tablet (he's six). I don't think video games are across the board bad, but certainly don't want my son spending hours on them each day and am in no hurry to introduce them to the house. Personally, I did not have a console growing up, but we did have a computer and played lots of games like SimCity, assorted educational games, etc. My siblings and I all went on to get graduate degrees in STEM fields and I am sure that the fact that we had a computer at home from an early age was somewhat beneficial to us, and having some games was part of getting familiar with it.  My parents did limit our time somewhat (not an explicit limit of times/hours, but we were expected to stay on top of homework and participated in non-screen based extracurriculars). So I guess I think you can create an environment where games are neutral/beneficial, but it probably requires some more care and monitoring on the parents part. If our son starts to express more interest in games I'll probably try to figure out what the current version of my parents approach is.

[Chris Pascale]

I'm not a gamer, but think games are beneficial.

Minecraft for creativity and design. We were on vacation and my daughter was taking photos of a castle's model so that she could recreate the building and grounds.

Plants v. Zombies for problem solving via the "endless" puzzles. The regular game is an exercise in making the most of a limited economy.

A 4-player Mario Kart grand prix is a pretty good way to spend 20 minutes as a family.

Over the summer my daughter and I got a game from the library that we played together and had a good deal of fun. We had to communicate and find solutions to problems, and we had some good laughs, too.

[Laura33]

My only comment is that if you are going to ban video games, you need to make sure your kid is finding his "people" elsewhere.  One of the things I realized with DS is that teenage boys tend to socialize by playing online games together.  I rolled my eyes at first (DH is the techie who introduced/allowed the video games), but changed my mind through the pandemic, when DS was able to continue his social life with very few changes -- basketball and clubs went away, but at least after online school, he could still get together with his friends as he always had. 

Obviously, video games are not the only way to bond with other kids -- it's just the way a lot of teens gravitate to naturally.  So if you've decided to shut off that avenue, make sure your kid is set up to find other non-video-game friends through other kinds of activities.  And also keep an eye on his social environment/happiness at school.  I was another one of those kids whose mom didn't believe in screen time or consumer goods or fast food and all of those clearly-bad things.  Which, overall, was great!  But it also meant that I was socially apart from almost everyone else at school.  I didn't want a closet of designer goods or cupcakes for lunch every day.  But boy, would I have liked one single fucking alligator shirt and the occasional bag of Cheetos -- not because I valued them for themselves,* but because they would have provided some protective coloration, so I wouldn't have stuck out like a sore thumb all-the-freaking-time.**  Especially in junior high, when every single adolescent ever is already overwhelmingly self-conscious. 

Obviously, if your kid has a solid friend group and isn't being bullied and feels like he has a place where he fits in, then by all means, stay the course, because it's working!  But if he's seeming unhappy or anxious about school, or complains about not spending time with his friends, etc., don't just automatically discount those feelings as whining or whatever.  Your approach is very, very healthy the vast majority of the time.  But it also doesn't have to be all or nothing in order to succeed.  Sometimes we need to adjust our parental "musts," when what we think is right turns out not to be exactly what our kids need.  So by all means, stay the course, but be willing to bend a bit if your kid needs it. 


*Although Cheetos are delicious.  Turns out the reason my mom never kept them in the house was because she couldn't restrain herself when she had them around.

**By and large, I was happy to be myself, even though that was different than the other kids in a number of ways.  But it can also be exhausting when you're not mainstream.  And sometimes it would have been nice just to have been able to disappear in the crowd.

[Sibley]

Anything that is pervasive in society/culture will have consequences for those who do and do not partake in that thing. Social media. Video games. TV. Pokemon. Tiedye tshirts. Ridiculous numbers of scrunchies. Just a few off the top of my head (growing up in the 90s was weird sometimes).

Sometimes the consequences of having the thing is worse than not having it. Sometimes it's the opposite.  Thus, as a parent, if you deliberately decide to ban the thing, or can't provide the thing, you also have to reckon with the consequences.

Also remember that the surest way to get kids to do something is to ban it. Or why do you think sales of banned books go up?

[Laura33]

Or why do you think sales of banned books go up?

Because they're usually the most interesting ones?  ;-)

[Archipelago]

Super interesting to see this topic show responses in favor or against videogames, with some responses in between.

I developed an early interest in videogames when I was 7 years old. Started with the Legend of Zelda and hasn't changed much since. Through my childhood and early adulthood, I played videogames ~1 hr/day, and there were certainly ebb and flow periods where I was contending with borderline addiction. By my 'own metric', I consider myself someone having played more videogames than the average person.

I was raised with videogames getting the OK in moderation, but it absolutely came with discipline. I don't have kids yet, but when I do, I'll raise them the same way. Want to spend your free time playing videogames? That's fine, but it won't be happening unless your life priorities are in order. Room clean? Homework done? Spent time outside? Helped around the house and with yardwork? Took up a hobby outside of gaming? Got a job? Deal. Play videogames and enjoy the time. I'm all for it, because understanding what it takes to create free time for things like videogames will necessarily come with time management, sacrifice, and hard work.

I'm also going to say that videogames have some obvious benefits, especially today's day in age. I don't really play videogames on my own anymore, but since all my best friends moved apart, we occasionally have dedicated time where we go on FaceTime and play multiplayer games together. It's extremely valuable. I also believe videogames can be a source of bonding for people playing together in person. There was a phase I went through not long ago where I thought any amount of time spent on videogames was a colossal waste of time. But since the pandemic and using videogames intentionally to be present and spend interactive time with my wife, I don't think that's the case at all. I look forward to the day my wife and future family can play a videogame together, laugh together and get hyped up to play together.

I'll also say these pieces and they're only anecdotal evidence:

I probably spent thousands of hours playing RuneScape over the years. When I was 11-16 years old, ridiculous as it sounds, that game singlehandedly taught me basic business principles, learning to make calculated business risks, fantastic typing skills, and solid mental math skills. I spent countless hours learning how to buy and sell virtual items to make virtual gold. I'm now a self-employed business owner and I make an excellent living. Crazy as it sounds, the business I do now isn't far off from what I was doing as a 12-year-old playing a computer game.

I can also confidently say that videogames unearthed a deep fascination of mine - I'm extremely interested in the connection between music and nostalgia. I took up an instrument when I was 9 years old, and it absolutely stemmed from my love of artful videogames. Without videogames, I wouldn't be a musician (which also turned out to be a significant source of income and life purpose throughout school and beyond).

Yeah, I love videogames and probably always will :)

[Gronnie]

Games inspried me to get a Computer Science degree which has worked out pretty damn well.

I also met some (most) of my best friends from either games or online poker.

[Laura33]

I look forward to the day my wife and future family can play a videogame together, laugh together and get hyped up to play together.

One of my DD's favorite memories is playing some "make the food before it all explodes/falls into the trash can/catches fire" game with me, because I was just. so. bad. at it, and it gave her an opportunity to feel superior to Mom.*  It's been almost ten years, and she still laughs about it. 

*Which, for a 12-yr-old facing a world where everyone seems more competent than she is, is a very very important thing.

[StarBright]

I can also confidently say that videogames unearthed a deep fascination of mine - I'm extremely interested in the connection between music and nostalgia. I took up an instrument when I was 9 years old, and it absolutely stemmed from my love of artful videogames. Without videogames, I wouldn't be a musician (which also turned out to be a significant source of income and life purpose throughout school and beyond).

Yeah, I love videogames and probably always will :)

Sorry for the unrequested rec (but I love when people are excited about similar things) - you might want to check out the book "Sound Play." it is academic, but I really enjoyed reading it! It is all video game music and video games as social text.

[YttriumNitrate]

As a kid and young adult, I wasted way too much time on video games, but I allow my 4 and 7 year olds to play with two big restrictions. First, video games are only played between 6 and 7 pm, and second they are only allowed to play simultaneous multiplayer games that I am also playing. The Wii has some good games that fit that category, namely Kirby's Return to Dreamland, New Super Mario Bros, and Mario Kart.

[Archipelago]

I can also confidently say that videogames unearthed a deep fascination of mine - I'm extremely interested in the connection between music and nostalgia. I took up an instrument when I was 9 years old, and it absolutely stemmed from my love of artful videogames. Without videogames, I wouldn't be a musician (which also turned out to be a significant source of income and life purpose throughout school and beyond).

Yeah, I love videogames and probably always will :)

Sorry for the unrequested rec (but I love when people are excited about similar things) - you might want to check out the book "Sound Play." it is academic, but I really enjoyed reading it! It is all video game music and video games as social text.

Cool! Thanks a lot! Added it to my reading list.

[Wolfpack Mustachian]

Interesting thoughts. We don't ban video games but also don't let them ever play them without asking us first and limit their time. They might go weeks in a row without playing at all. Then they may have a Saturday where they play for 3-4 hours. They enjoy it and would play if allowed pretty much whenever, but I don't think they're addicted to it.

I do worry about Laura's comments on them maintaining friendships without video games/the whole interaction of the online world as they grow older. I don't have a good answer to it, but I do know that I don't like how it's worked out for kids I know that seriously invest their social lives in that way. I wish I had a magic bullet to solve the problem, but right now, I'm thinking the drawbacks of over emphasis of that online social investment outweigh the benefits.

[Gronnie]

Interesting thoughts. We don't ban video games but also don't let them ever play them without asking us first and limit their time. They might go weeks in a row without playing at all. Then they may have a Saturday where they play for 3-4 hours. They enjoy it and would play if allowed pretty much whenever, but I don't think they're addicted to it.

I do worry about Laura's comments on them maintaining friendships without video games/the whole interaction of the online world as they grow older. I don't have a good answer to it, but I do know that I don't like how it's worked out for kids I know that seriously invest their social lives in that way. I wish I had a magic bullet to solve the problem, but right now, I'm thinking the drawbacks of over emphasis of that online social investment outweigh the benefits.

Bold emphasis mine. Obviously I'm n=1 but the vast majority of my social life and friends have come from online -- video games and poker. I'd like to think I've turned out pretty well. I've got a great wife, a wonderful daughter, and a fantastic Software Engineering job. I don't think I would have gone into CS if it wasn't for video games getting me interested in computers.

[Fru-Gal]

To me it’s not useful to just say video games — it’s a subset of screen time. My kids are 16 and 22 and they love video games and are addicted to screen time but have also built their own computers, repaired their own PS4s and use the computer and discord and games and other tools to make music and socialize.

I changed my opinion about video games during the pandemic when I saw how both boys, who were locked in the house for a year, got so much enjoyment and laughter out of socializing via video game. They tell me about people who end up meeting each other in person from video games. Now that sounded strange to me but then I went across the country to meet some people that I met on this forum recently lol.

I think Minecraft is a wonderful, creative game — you can mod it. I think letting your child play Minecraft when he’s giving you so many signs would be a kindness. It’s really cute when you see kids playing games together as well which is how they do it all the time.

My kids also learned how to navigate social media really well. My older son is now working in tech and is incredibly creative and entrepreneurial. Of course we’ve had plenty of fights and lost a lot of sleep over the amount of screen time but they are both also very outdoorsy and in great health and when they go camping they don’t miss their phones at all. I hope someday they get back to being book readers like they were in elementary school but I do think that video is the common form of information transfer today.

[kenner]

But then I remembered that he spent an hour making something with his hands instead of doing a vegetable impression in front of a glowing screen and I felt pretty ok about it.

We hear variations of this at the library where I volunteer-- "My kids don't play video games, my kids play with legos." 

Except the parents involved seem totally unaware that Minecraft is (to put it very simply) a video game version of legos where kids literally build/play in their own worlds...there's a reason it gets used in educational programming.  "No video games in the house" is obviously a family decision, but this is one of those places where it might be a good idea to know some basics about the thing being rejected.

[nereo]

TBH, the social stigma and stereotypes we place on people who play video games. It reminds me of the way online dating was viewed twenty years ago.

[kpd905]

The only “video games” we allow her to play, under supervision, are Lexia, which is a reading program provided by her school, and Typing Club, which is a gamified typing program also provided by her school.

Why is there a need for supervision using these programs?

[Freedomin5]

The only “video games” we allow her to play, under supervision, are Lexia, which is a reading program provided by her school, and Typing Club, which is a gamified typing program also provided by her school.

Why is there a need for supervision using these programs?

Lexia has a part where you’re not actually doing activities. You’re just clicking on animals and listening to descriptions of them. They also sometimes freeze, so having an adult around to troubleshoot is helpful.

[Chris Pascale]

Or why do you think sales of banned books go up?

Because they're usually the most interesting ones?  ;-)

It's those darn kids dancing and playing music!

[Baguettestache]

I'm so torn on this issue.
You can extend it to the whole internet, social medias.. not just video games.

First of all I think some videogames make you better at problem solving, managing resources...
Most of the top Starcraft players are highly intelligent people, for example.
Playing might be one the best ways to learn.
I'm also part of the "I turned my interest in videogames into a lucrative software engineer career" crowd.

That said, I was heavily addicted and this was so problematic. Failing at school, failing to socialize, heavy depression, completely skewed dopamine receptors and zero motivation to do anything...

Strangely, socializing was hard partly because I spent too much time on internet and was awkward, partly because I didn't play the same videogames as others, didn't watch the same cartoons... and was out of so many conversations...

Please don't.
You'll just make your kids outsiders compared to their peers.
This was my childhood: no video games for far too long, shitty computers unable to run anything that was 'in' at the time later. Also no cable TV or any other way to watch movies for far too long.
Results: left out of conversations, then play dates, etc. Left behind by peers on any social metric.
An often lonely and depressed adult.
I'm sure my parents had good intentions.
Please don't multiply me; this is misery.

I feel you!
How do you think they can be allowed playing games and thus not be left behind while not becoming addicted as most other kids do?

[charis]

Parents can set time and access limits and enforce other activities like doing homework and in person stuff. I'm not sure why folks are acting like the two options are no access or addiction.

[DK82]

My wife and I decided long ago, independently from one another, that video games are pathetic waste of time, energy, and life.

Man, I'd hate to be your kids. 

Playing video games all day long is a terrible use of time for sure.  Playing video games here and there is A) a lot of fun, B) can be educational and C) a great way of bonding with your kids.  My kids are little and are VERY active in sports and I let them play sports video games, which they learn a ton from.  They also play a racing game... because it's fun.  I limit their time probably more-so than most parents whose kids have video games (usually 30 minutes a day, at most, and never ever ever the first thing they do when they get home from school).  The notion that playing video games at all is a waste of time is unbelievably obtuse. 

[Malossi792]

I'm so torn on this issue.
You can extend it to the whole internet, social medias.. not just video games.

First of all I think some videogames make you better at problem solving, managing resources...
Most of the top Starcraft players are highly intelligent people, for example.
Playing might be one the best ways to learn.
I'm also part of the "I turned my interest in videogames into a lucrative software engineer career" crowd.

That said, I was heavily addicted and this was so problematic. Failing at school, failing to socialize, heavy depression, completely skewed dopamine receptors and zero motivation to do anything...

Strangely, socializing was hard partly because I spent too much time on internet and was awkward, partly because I didn't play the same videogames as others, didn't watch the same cartoons... and was out of so many conversations...

Please don't.
You'll just make your kids outsiders compared to their peers.
This was my childhood: no video games for far too long, shitty computers unable to run anything that was 'in' at the time later. Also no cable TV or any other way to watch movies for far too long.
Results: left out of conversations, then play dates, etc. Left behind by peers on any social metric.
An often lonely and depressed adult.
I'm sure my parents had good intentions.
Please don't multiply me; this is misery.

I feel you!
How do you think they can be allowed playing games and thus not be left behind while not becoming addicted as most other kids do?

Parents can set time and access limits and enforce other activities like doing homework and in person stuff. I'm not sure why folks are acting like the two options are no access or addiction.

Charis answered the question more eloquently than I could.
It's a spectrum, but if they're advancing at school / whatever according to their abilities and have actual friends I think they should be okay.

[LonerMatt]

I don't know why some people in this thread feel that every activity has to be productive or educational. Rest is important, fun is important, enjoyment is important, relaxing is important.

I (33) play games more now than I did when I was a kid, and it's a waste of time in the same way watching a movie, tv show, browsing a forum or completing a crossword is. A couple of hours a day, maybe too much for some, but it's just a form of down time.

Someone above stream considered screen time as a category in which games are a subset. As a former school teacher the main problems I noticed were around unbound screen time, social media and the social nervousness and hyperactivity that can just occupy kids in that vein. An hour of minecraft is maybe a bit nerdy or whatever, but it's fairly harmless.

[BeanCounter]

Mom of two boys ages 10 and 13. When my kids were very young I thought we wouldn’t allow video games but fortunately I was working at a hospital and our head of child psychiatry said that “video games are social currency especially for boys”.
I’m so glad I listened. They would have NOTHING in common with their peers if we didn’t let them play. We try and keep everything in moderation. Both boys play sports, an instrument and are involved in Scouts and chess club. And they read books. My 10 yo just finished the Harry Potter series. For the most part they do not play Sun-Thurs. But on the weekends they love to hop online with friends and play Madden or Rocket League and others. They get on the headset and laugh and talk with school friends. It’s not much different than when I was that age and hanging on the phone with friends. My son is online right now playing chess with his Uncle who is across the country.
We do not allow iPad or individual games that are more head down non-collaborative time wasting. But that’s just our opinion.
For those that say their kid is angry or difficult to get off gaming. This will fade as they get older. Just stick to your guns on what is an appropriate amount of time and ignore the behavior. They will outgrow it and understand the boundaries that are set for their gaming.

As far as it being a giant waste of time, it is. But this is what their friends are doing and what is talked about at school. If you model good productive behavior and do things with them outside of a screen, they won’t become addicted. My 13 yo will choose to go golfing or to the local amusement park with friends any day over video games.

[srrb]

Mom of two boys ages 10 and 13. When my kids were very young I thought we wouldn’t allow video games but fortunately I was working at a hospital and our head of child psychiatry said that “video games are social currency especially for boys”.
I’m so glad I listened. They would have NOTHING in common with their peers if we didn’t let them play. We try and keep everything in moderation. Both boys play sports, an instrument and are involved in Scouts and chess club. And they read books. My 10 yo just finished the Harry Potter series. For the most part they do not play Sun-Thurs. But on the weekends they love to hop online with friends and play Madden or Rocket League and others. They get on the headset and laugh and talk with school friends. It’s not much different than when I was that age and hanging on the phone with friends. My son is online right now playing chess with his Uncle who is across the country.
We do not allow iPad or individual games that are more head down non-collaborative time wasting. But that’s just our opinion.
For those that say their kid is angry or difficult to get off gaming. This will fade as they get older. Just stick to your guns on what is an appropriate amount of time and ignore the behavior. They will outgrow it and understand the boundaries that are set for their gaming.

As far as it being a giant waste of time, it is. But this is what their friends are doing and what is talked about at school. If you model good productive behavior and do things with them outside of a screen, they won’t become addicted. My 13 yo will choose to go golfing or to the local amusement park with friends any day over video games.

That was my experience too. We weren't against games, just not players so we didn't have a console. Finally went out and bought a used Nintendo system when son was in grade 1 because all he wanted to do was visit friends with games and his friends didn't want to come to our house because there was "nothing to do." Of all the battles I was going to fight based on personal values I was imposing on my children, this wasn't going to be one of them.

[BeanCounter]

Mom of two boys ages 10 and 13. When my kids were very young I thought we wouldn’t allow video games but fortunately I was working at a hospital and our head of child psychiatry said that “video games are social currency especially for boys”.
I’m so glad I listened. They would have NOTHING in common with their peers if we didn’t let them play. We try and keep everything in moderation. Both boys play sports, an instrument and are involved in Scouts and chess club. And they read books. My 10 yo just finished the Harry Potter series. For the most part they do not play Sun-Thurs. But on the weekends they love to hop online with friends and play Madden or Rocket League and others. They get on the headset and laugh and talk with school friends. It’s not much different than when I was that age and hanging on the phone with friends. My son is online right now playing chess with his Uncle who is across the country.
We do not allow iPad or individual games that are more head down non-collaborative time wasting. But that’s just our opinion.
For those that say their kid is angry or difficult to get off gaming. This will fade as they get older. Just stick to your guns on what is an appropriate amount of time and ignore the behavior. They will outgrow it and understand the boundaries that are set for their gaming.

As far as it being a giant waste of time, it is. But this is what their friends are doing and what is talked about at school. If you model good productive behavior and do things with them outside of a screen, they won’t become addicted. My 13 yo will choose to go golfing or to the local amusement park with friends any day over video games.

That was my experience too. We weren't against games, just not players so we didn't have a console. Finally went out and bought a used Nintendo system when son was in grade 1 because all he wanted to do was visit friends with games and his friends didn't want to come to our house because there was "nothing to do." Of all the battles I was going to fight based on personal values I was imposing on my children, this wasn't going to be one of them.

Oh I get that! We are doing a small basement remodel this winter to creat a more inviting teen space for my soon to be high schooler. I want kids to come over, hang out, play video games together, shoot pool and eat all my food!! I want to know who he’s spending time with at school!!

[srrb]

Mom of two boys ages 10 and 13. When my kids were very young I thought we wouldn’t allow video games but fortunately I was working at a hospital and our head of child psychiatry said that “video games are social currency especially for boys”.
I’m so glad I listened. They would have NOTHING in common with their peers if we didn’t let them play. We try and keep everything in moderation. Both boys play sports, an instrument and are involved in Scouts and chess club. And they read books. My 10 yo just finished the Harry Potter series. For the most part they do not play Sun-Thurs. But on the weekends they love to hop online with friends and play Madden or Rocket League and others. They get on the headset and laugh and talk with school friends. It’s not much different than when I was that age and hanging on the phone with friends. My son is online right now playing chess with his Uncle who is across the country.
We do not allow iPad or individual games that are more head down non-collaborative time wasting. But that’s just our opinion.
For those that say their kid is angry or difficult to get off gaming. This will fade as they get older. Just stick to your guns on what is an appropriate amount of time and ignore the behavior. They will outgrow it and understand the boundaries that are set for their gaming.

As far as it being a giant waste of time, it is. But this is what their friends are doing and what is talked about at school. If you model good productive behavior and do things with them outside of a screen, they won’t become addicted. My 13 yo will choose to go golfing or to the local amusement park with friends any day over video games.

That was my experience too. We weren't against games, just not players so we didn't have a console. Finally went out and bought a used Nintendo system when son was in grade 1 because all he wanted to do was visit friends with games and his friends didn't want to come to our house because there was "nothing to do." Of all the battles I was going to fight based on personal values I was imposing on my children, this wasn't going to be one of them.

Oh I get that! We are doing a small basement remodel this winter to creat a more inviting teen space for my soon to be high schooler. I want kids to come over, hang out, play video games together, shoot pool and eat all my food!! I want to know who he’s spending time with at school!!

Exactly! Son is now in university and we still have the thing. It gets pulled out when the kids visit for Mario Karts nostalgia -- that's how much it ended up being used, lol, as it all still works.

[almost]

I played a lot of video games when I was a kid.  It was probably unhealthy.  But at a certain point in my early 20's I realized how far I had fallen and got my stuff together.  I got super productive, continued my education, and FIRE'd in 15 years.  Not bad.  So I thought, I'll forbid video games for my kids to save them a few years of waste.

Then the pandemic hit and video games were one of the only ways for our kids to socialize.  We live in a rural area so this is still a primary method of socialization for my 13 year old son.  It's actually pretty cool how they coordinate things.

Now I think it's more important to teach and foster self control and decision making.   And if they do end up burning a lot of their youth on video games, maybe that will motivate them to higher things, just like I experienced. 

I set limits on screen time and gradually expand them as they age and show responsibility.  It's going far better than prohibition.

[FLBiker]

To me, the issue isn't videogames per se, but addiction (or overuse, if you prefer).  I am a drug addict and an alcoholic, sober 16.5 years, which undoubtedly informs my orientation to this.

Re: videogames, I have definitely overused them in the past (although never to the point that I had any major consequences).  I think part of the reason for this is that I always avoided MMORPGs, which (at the time) were the ones that people really disappeared into.  This was somewhat intentional, just like when I was using drugs I avoided cocaine and heroin, because I knew I was prone to addiction.

So, for me, moderation is hard, and it is helpful to have rules or barriers.  With videogames, the form that takes is that we only have old systems -- we have a Wii and a PS2.  DW has talked about getting a PS3, but I'm leery -- Skyrim is very appealing to me.  At the same time, at this point in my life, I don't remotely feel the same pull to disappear into a video game for 6 hours like I used to, so perhaps it would be fine.

Our daughter (age 7) doesn't really care about playing games (every once in a while we'll play Wii Resort) but she likes watching me play (like Mario or Zelda).  I'll play for an hour once or twice a week.  If she wanted to start playing games, I wouldn't mind, but I'd be very hesitant with games that I've seen her peers get super into (like Minecraft or Animal Crossing) and I'd certainly keep an eye on her.  If she had a lot of momentum with them, we'd back off.

[E.T.]

Since OP didn't want a defense of video games I won't write anything about that. But you can add me to the list of adults whose parents raised them with heavily restricted access to screens. We had no TV, no video games, and very limited movies growing up. Guess what, I love video games as an adult and play them all the time with my spouse. I also watch some TV and a lot of movies. I still read, make art, and hang out outdoors a lot, I don't have an addiction to any of these things. The restrictions just made me a social weirdo as a kid and did nothing to prevent me from enjoying media when I was old enough to make choices for myself. It also just made me worse at video games since I've been playing them for less time than my friends. There's some intuitive skill in gaming that I don't have bc I didn't grow up with it. I find that annoying and wish I'd been allowed to play some as a child.

[spartanswami]

Parents can set time and access limits and enforce other activities like doing homework and in person stuff. I'm not sure why folks are acting like the two options are no access or addiction.

Unfortunately this approach doesn't guarantee a positive outcome.

My DS plays videogames and when younger was sometimes a little obsessed but now in high school generally manages his time, makes sure he's keeping up with his responsibilities at home and school etc, etc. Healthy use.

My DD on the other hand was a voracious reader, star student until the pandemic when she started playing videogames just like my son did. In her case it quickly turned into an addiction. Staying up entire nights, missed school, failing mental and physical health etc. but she doesn't care. Any attempts to introduce reasonable limits (time, use) met with outsize reactions. High school counselor and others recommended therapy but it hasn't helped and we are seeing her crash and burn. No interest in anything apart from being on the laptop/phone at every moment of the day.

Completely opposite results.

[StarBright]

Parents can set time and access limits and enforce other activities like doing homework and in person stuff. I'm not sure why folks are acting like the two options are no access or addiction.

Unfortunately this approach doesn't guarantee a positive outcome.

My DS plays videogames and when younger was sometimes a little obsessed but now in high school generally manages his time, makes sure he's keeping up with his responsibilities at home and school etc, etc. Healthy use.

My DD on the other hand was a voracious reader, star student until the pandemic when she started playing videogames just like my son did. In her case it quickly turned into an addiction. Staying up entire nights, missed school, failing mental and physical health etc. but she doesn't care. Any attempts to introduce reasonable limits (time, use) met with outsize reactions. High school counselor and others recommended therapy but it hasn't helped and we are seeing her crash and burn. No interest in anything apart from being on the laptop/phone at every moment of the day.

Completely opposite results.

I am so sorry! I have seen this tendency in one of my kids as well and we really carefully monitor now - but mine are still young.

I don't know if it is feasible for you as your children are older, but can you just cut off the wifi for a while? And lock up any gaming systems? We found the book "Reset Your Child's Brain" by Victoria Dunckley to be a helpful guide (but it is geared towards younger children).

[MaybeBabyMustache]

Parents can set time and access limits and enforce other activities like doing homework and in person stuff. I'm not sure why folks are acting like the two options are no access or addiction.

Unfortunately this approach doesn't guarantee a positive outcome.

My DS plays videogames and when younger was sometimes a little obsessed but now in high school generally manages his time, makes sure he's keeping up with his responsibilities at home and school etc, etc. Healthy use.

My DD on the other hand was a voracious reader, star student until the pandemic when she started playing videogames just like my son did. In her case it quickly turned into an addiction. Staying up entire nights, missed school, failing mental and physical health etc. but she doesn't care. Any attempts to introduce reasonable limits (time, use) met with outsize reactions. High school counselor and others recommended therapy but it hasn't helped and we are seeing her crash and burn. No interest in anything apart from being on the laptop/phone at every moment of the day.

Completely opposite results.

This is so hard. We have two teens, and they respond pretty differently to rules, punishments, etc. For one teen, he will game, but fills his time with largely almost anything else, so we don't care about the gaming. With the other, we have a lot of rules in place for the gaming (must have x hours of sports, in person social time, reading, etc). Have you researched any technical solutions, that will limit your child to X amount of screen time, through wifi controls? It sounds like they are really struggling to self manage, so something that removes you from the equation/arguments, but simply family rule that everyone gets "no more than 3 hours/day" (or whatever you want to impose) & from there on, the wifi/electronics cease to work. I know these solutions are available, but haven't researched any myself.

[Fru-Gal]

This is kind of out of the box but one way I found to circumvent this problem at least on a very infrequent basis was to turn off all the household electricity. At the circuit breaker. This idea came from using a service where we voluntarily turn off our electricity for an hour or two at a time and get paid for that to help the state grid at prime time.

But what I discovered was that my kids were actually motivated by the larger impact of doing some thing to save energy and help the world versus me imposing a rule. And so it turned into some thing fun where we would sit around with flashlights and do activities together.

So I guess this is similar to the comment above it’s about externalizing the rule to something bigger than just parents versus kid.

[eyesonthehorizon]

My DS plays videogames and when younger was sometimes a little obsessed but now in high school generally manages his time, makes sure he's keeping up with his responsibilities at home and school etc, etc. Healthy use.

My DD on the other hand was a voracious reader, star student until the pandemic when she started playing videogames just like my son did. In her case it quickly turned into an addiction. Staying up entire nights, missed school, failing mental and physical health etc. but she doesn't care. Any attempts to introduce reasonable limits (time, use) met with outsize reactions. High school counselor and others recommended therapy but it hasn't helped and we are seeing her crash and burn. No interest in anything apart from being on the laptop/phone at every moment of the day.

I would be careful to note that your son had a background with games already before the destabilizing event of the pandemic, but it sounds like your daughter took them up around when it hit, so there's a risk of confounding variables there.

The moment you cited your daughter as a voracious reader I knew what was coming - I did something similar in response to stressful times with each medium. It sounds like she has a tendency to immerse herself to an extreme degree in whatever she's passionate about. That's no comment as to whether it's healthy, but consider if it's perhaps not unique to games, but a symptom of some other preexisting need; due to our cultural beliefs about the goodness of reading, voracious reading is simply much less likely to seem like a "symptom" of any sort of problem, & rarely does it win the disapproval of teachers when done in class. (This was not always true, however! Previous generations wailed their children, especially daughters, shirked duty & lost touch with reality due to reading too many books.)

If she is playing narrative games, many (certainly not all) are on par with or far exceed the quality of most young adult fiction, just with an added degree of challenge in the experience which books, as a largely passive experience, generally cannot provide. I wouldn't despair just yet if she's gone through phases of enthusiasm before. Even in the absence of a stressful pandemic, I would not for a moment assume she's not going to return to books just because she took a sudden powerful interest in something novel, & the pandemic itself has rocked everyone's worlds differently.

I really like the aforementioned idea of having a defined timeframe around games such as gaming Saturdays, though it seems it would hinge on having enough family time reserved to start with.

[charis]

Parents can set time and access limits and enforce other activities like doing homework and in person stuff. I'm not sure why folks are acting like the two options are no access or addiction.

Unfortunately this approach doesn't guarantee a positive outcome.

My DS plays videogames and when younger was sometimes a little obsessed but now in high school generally manages his time, makes sure he's keeping up with his responsibilities at home and school etc, etc. Healthy use.

My DD on the other hand was a voracious reader, star student until the pandemic when she started playing videogames just like my son did. In her case it quickly turned into an addiction. Staying up entire nights, missed school, failing mental and physical health etc. but she doesn't care. Any attempts to introduce reasonable limits (time, use) met with outsize reactions. High school counselor and others recommended therapy but it hasn't helped and we are seeing her crash and burn. No interest in anything apart from being on the laptop/phone at every moment of the day.

Completely opposite results.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  But I'm confused by this post.  I said parents can enforce time limits (regardless of child's reaction), but that recognizes that a child who cannot adhere to the time limits or reacts to them in an unreasonable manner has to be handled differently.  How old is your daughter?  Time limits must be enforced from day one.  Part of that enforcement is that outsized reactions get met with the removal of devices.  Staying up entire nights and missing school reads to me like she was an adult and therefore outside of your control, or limits were not actually enforced (I don't have all the info so I'm not accusing you of anything).  If she stayed up all night or missed school even without access to devices, that's a different ball game.

For instance, my children are only allowed to use the computer or play video games when an adult is present, in ten minute increments, up 30 min if it's a school holiday.  If they refuse to stop or have a fit about it, no screen time/videogames for the rest of the day, and possibly the next day. Neither has their own phone and our extra cell phone, doesn't have internet, so they can only use it to text, call, take pictures.  Our oldest has one social media account that is monitored by me and she lost interest in both after a little while.  I'm not saying she won't have problems when she gets older, but it won't because she had some exposure to video games at home.

My oldest is only one in her peer group that doesn't have a smart phone (apart from one other classmate), and she was exposed to (mildly) pornographic material during a sleepover with some other friends who have constant access to the internet. My youngest is only in fourth grade but many friends have smart phones on the bus.

[BeanCounter]

Parents can set time and access limits and enforce other activities like doing homework and in person stuff. I'm not sure why folks are acting like the two options are no access or addiction.

Unfortunately this approach doesn't guarantee a positive outcome.

My DS plays videogames and when younger was sometimes a little obsessed but now in high school generally manages his time, makes sure he's keeping up with his responsibilities at home and school etc, etc. Healthy use.

My DD on the other hand was a voracious reader, star student until the pandemic when she started playing videogames just like my son did. In her case it quickly turned into an addiction. Staying up entire nights, missed school, failing mental and physical health etc. but she doesn't care. Any attempts to introduce reasonable limits (time, use) met with outsize reactions. High school counselor and others recommended therapy but it hasn't helped and we are seeing her crash and burn. No interest in anything apart from being on the laptop/phone at every moment of the day.

Completely opposite results.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  But I'm confused by this post.  I said parents can enforce time limits (regardless of child's reaction), but that recognizes that a child who cannot adhere to the time limits or reacts to them in an unreasonable manner has to be handled differently.  How old is your daughter?  Time limits must be enforced from day one.  Part of that enforcement is that outsized reactions get met with the removal of devices.  Staying up entire nights and missing school reads to me like she was an adult and therefore outside of your control, or limits were not actually enforced (I don't have all the info so I'm not accusing you of anything).  If she stayed up all night or missed school even without access to devices, that's a different ball game.

For instance, my children are only allowed to use the computer or play video games when an adult is present, in ten minute increments, up 30 min if it's a school holiday.  If they refuse to stop or have a fit about it, no screen time/videogames for the rest of the day, and possibly the next day. Neither has their own phone and our extra cell phone, doesn't have internet, so they can only use it to text, call, take pictures.  Our oldest has one social media account that is monitored by me and she lost interest in both after a little while.  I'm not saying she won't have problems when she gets older, but it won't because she had some exposure to video games at home.

My oldest is only one in her peer group that doesn't have a smart phone (apart from one other classmate), and she was exposed to (mildly) pornographic material during a sleepover with some other friends who have constant access to the internet. My youngest is only in fourth grade but many friends have smart phones on the bus.

Can I ask how old your kids are and what games they play?