Decision time - add a third child?

[Neustache]

I worry a bit about bonding with an older child, as it does not come easily for me, even when it's my own and I get them from birth (and nurse!).   I also would want any addition to the family to be younger than our youngest, as I feel that works best in adoptions (our youngest is two).   It's kind of a now or never situation for us, as I'm just feeling tired and would rather not start this process years from now, when I'll probably be even more tired. 

So if we were to adopt, we'd need to start the process asap, and I'd prefer a youngster 18 months or younger.  I'm not called to adopting older foster kids - that takes something special and I'm afraid I don't have it.  I know my hubby doesn't have it. 

The root of the problem is that I only don't want another kiddo due to perceived risks.  My husband just doesn't want another kiddo.  He is a great dad, and loves our kids dearly, and knows he would love another one, but he doesn't want or need another.  This is probably the hardest decision we've had to make and right now I'm grieving pretty hard. 

[TeresaB]

The root of the problem is that I only don't want another kiddo due to perceived risks.  My husband just doesn't want another kiddo.  He is a great dad, and loves our kids dearly, and knows he would love another one, but he doesn't want or need another.  This is probably the hardest decision we've had to make and right now I'm grieving pretty hard.

That is a tough, tough spot to be in. I'm really sorry and I hope the two of you find a path you're both at peace with.

[Neustache]

That is a tough, tough spot to be in. I'm really sorry and I hope the two of you find a path you're both at peace with.

Thank you!  I know it will get easier.  But being an adult and not getting what I want sucks..lol...ahhhh..such is life.  I should be thankful that my life is otherwise pretty grand. 

[Gray Matter]

Sorry to hear you are going through this.  If it helps at all, I think it's normal to grieve not having any more babies, no matter how many you have.  I had to grieve that (and it really does feel like a loss), even as I came around to feeing done.  For about five years after we adopted our third, I wanted a fourth.  My husband was not on board.  He left the possibility open for "someday," but always said if he had to decide right now, the answer would be no.  After five years, the feeling of wanting another just went away.  Gone.  And honestly, there are times when I'm neck deep in the chaos and so overwhelmed, I'm really grateful that we don't have four.  Of course, if we did, we would have made life changes to make room for that fourth, and would be eternally grateful to have him or her in the family.

It's such a strange thing, this wanting of children, and ending up with a particular family size for a whole host of reasons that may or may not have anything to do with how many you want.  Just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel sad for that child that isn't there, and know that likely, you will eventually find peace.

[Neustache]

Gray Matter:

Thank you for your words.  I'm already feeling better and more accepting of it, although my husband then vaguely left the door open, which I find less than helpful.  Ugh!  In my mind, though, I'm acting and planning as if there will be no more children, and I think I am mostly okay with that.  It helps that I was informally offered a part-time job at my old employer with an offer to come back when the kids are in school.  I realize this is an ER forum, so that shouldn't be comforting, but as a SAHM I feel like I am ER and working part time again would be fun, especially if I don't have the pressure of needing to work, if that makes sense. 

[ltt]

Your dear husband is telling you he doesn't want more children.  Respect his wishes.  Unfortunately, you have a longing which may never go away.  One of you will have to bend. 

We have four children; two are adopted.  You can always, if your husband changes his mind in the future, make the decision to adopt or decide to foster.  Adopting an older child is extremely different than adopting a younger child.  The older child has a history that cannot be erased.  If you are not prepared for that child or willing to accept their past history or parent them on their level, there is a very high likelihood that the adoption will fail. 

Once you have two children, having more doesn't necessarily mean there's a huge, additional amount of work.  What I've noticed, more than anything, is that we live in a "made for four and no more" society.  I love large families, it's just that American culture doesn't.

[Gray Matter]

I realize this is an ER forum, so that shouldn't be comforting, but as a SAHM I feel like I am ER and working part time again would be fun, especially if I don't have the pressure of needing to work, if that makes sense.

That makes complete sense!  Though ER and PER (permanent early retirement) is the goal of many people on this forum, I think the basic underlying tenant of Mustachianism is freedom of choice.  I was talking to a friend yesterday about how I don't really want to work anymore, and she said she thinks I'm just really burned out/worn out and that after not working for awhile, I'd probably want to do something at least part-time (adjunct teach, etc.).  This woman has known me for over 20 years and I think she's probably right. 

Ideally, I'd like to get to the point financially where I can go in and out of the workforce according to my whims, and have enough money that if I never worked another day (e.g., couldn't get another job, became disabled, or simply didn't want to), I'd be fine.

So that's a very long-winded way of saying I think it's quite normal to want to work part-time even if you have the means to ER.  Meaningful work can be...well, meaningful!  Especially if you aren't trapped by your economic circumstances.

[Cassie]

I actually think p.t. is the perfect world for many people. I do it now after I retired from my f.t. job & I love adjunct teaching at the college level.  I also think p.t. is perfect when you have kids because it allows you to do justice to both your jobs.   Good luck!!

[Neustache]

Well, meaningful work might be stretching it.  LOL.  I worked as a closer at a title company.  Actually, started out at reception, moved up to processor, then closer.  Started and quit off and on for 8 years while I finished my bachelor's degree, mostly worked summers with a full time/year round stint for the last couple of years.  It's a high stress job, as people who are buying houses are usually quite stressed, but it is fun and hectic and not full of busy work.  You get into a file, do the work, finish it, done.  I love that kind of job - it's based on a schedule of closings rather than long term projects that I would have to pace myself on, which I'm terrible at and detest. 

Knowing the company and the people, I could conceivably put the kids on the bus and be back in time before they get home from school.  That would make me very happy.  Don't know what I'd do in the summers, but if we are FI by then maybe we'd work it so that the hubby doesn't take contracts during summer months or works from home.  We shall see.  It's fun to think about, and I needed something fun to think about, after the initial disappointment I felt after coming to a decision about the baby.  My youngest is 2, so we have 3 years before he's in school.  We'll see what happens!

[SisterX]

Once you have two children, having more doesn't necessarily mean there's a huge, additional amount of work.  What I've noticed, more than anything, is that we live in a "made for four and no more" society.  I love large families, it's just that American culture doesn't.

I totally agree that American culture just isn't built for a larger-than-average family size.  I grew up in a family of 6.  All three of my sibs are boys, so as just one example it always struck me as funny when my mom had to use 3-4 "family size" foodstuffs to feed all of us, on the rare occasions we didn't cook from scratch.  I've never really learned how to cook for only a few people because of my family's size, so it's a good thing my husband and I love leftovers!

[zolotiyeruki]

Once you have two children, having more doesn't necessarily mean there's a huge, additional amount of work.  What I've noticed, more than anything, is that we live in a "made for four and no more" society.  I love large families, it's just that American culture doesn't.

So true, so very, very true.  We have some friends with 6 kids who are looking for a house, and it's been a frustrating experience.  They need 5 bedrooms, and there just aren't many houses on the market with that many.  And the few that *are* on the market are either really big (with a price tag to match) or really old (with all the accompanying problems).  Once you hit 2000 sq ft and 4 bedrooms, more square feet doesn't buy you more bedrooms--all the rooms just get bigger.  My brother (with 6 kids) lives in a 2400 sq ft house, and my family (with soon-to-be-6 kids) lives in a 3400 sq ft house.  Both houses have an identical number of rooms, mine are just bigger.  Not to mention that bedrooms are laid out so that you can only fit a single bed against one wall, so each of the two kids can have a bedroom to themselves.

[justajane]

This is probably the hardest decision we've had to make and right now I'm grieving pretty hard.

I really feel for you. We were in a similar situation one and a half years ago. I wanted a third, my husband was on the fence. It was by far the hardest decision we ever had to make as a couple. If I had said we were done at two, my husband would have been perfectly happy with that. But I just always had that nagging sense that our family wasn't complete. Looking long term at our lives, I knew I would always be asking, "What if?" and looking at that empty chair at the dining room table. So, after many, many, many conversations we decided to try. I got pregnant immediately and miscarried after 6 weeks. It was terrible, and after that I knew that I truly would be heartbroken to not have the third. As hard as it was to imagine miscarrying again, we started to try again after a month and immediately got pregnant again.

Our third son was born in May and is now almost 4 months old, so I am very early on the third kid journey. For me, going from 1 to 2 was absolutely brutal. They were 24 months apart, and the first was the worst sleeper known to mankind. No, really. A nurse who specializes in pediatric sleep told me so. So we had a newborn and a toddler who was still waking up 4 or more times a night at that point.

In comparison, this time around it is easier, because my two older boys are 6 and 4. I think that really makes a difference. But you really can't predict which transition will be hardest or easiest, since it is highly variable on the kid, you, and all the other circumstances in your life.

One thing I will say for sure is that you have more perspective the more kids you have. You are more likely to not get caught in the moment and can realize that "this too shall pass." Of course, I say that, having had a meltdown earlier today about my infant's naps. But that just comes with the territory of infants and postpartum hormones.

Regarding the pregnancy, I was 36 when I had my third, and yes, it was more difficult in many respects. At one point, they thought I had an embolism, because I was having trouble breathing. After a round of tests (very expensive tests!), they just concluded that I was old (i.e. advanced maternal age) and just needed to slow it down a bit. That was discouraging. One perk, though, is you have more kids and have had vaginal births - the baby comes out super fast. I pushed for a grand total of 2 minutes. One push and he popped out.

I honestly don't know how I'd feel if my husband had been firm about only having 2. One thing that I made certain to communicate to him is that we certainly wouldn't be having the same conversation again in a year or two. In other words, I would definitively be done at 3. And this is true! You really do know when you are done, and I am finished. I had some early on mourning about the fact that I would never be pregnant again or feel a baby kick inside me again, but that was mostly the baby blues. I'm already over it in 3 months and now look forward to giving away the baby clothes. I could never say that before.

[greenmimama]

I will be honest, having our third did just about kill us and still a lot of days it is quite overwhelming, but he is 3 now, and super cute and hilarious, he is still harder than my others, so maybe it was more his personality that did us in? rather than him just being a third. Only you know what you can handle well. I probably should have stuck with 2, I keep hoping it gets better ;) In all fairness he isn't feeling well today so he was extra whiny/grumpy/screaming so I am not feeling the love today, tmrw will be different.

[1967mama]

Funny how varying our individual experiences can be. Unlike @greenmimama, my 3rd was by far our easiest. But our 2nd was colicky so the 3rd seemed a breeze in comparison.

[Gray Matter]

There are so many variables, it's hard to predict whether a third will be a breeze or tip you over the edge.  A LOT of it is their personality and how it fits with yours.  My second-born was cranky and a terrible sleeper--he never slept more than 30 or 45 minutes at a time, so I was up with him between 7-10 times on an average night during the first year, and he didn't sleep through the night, not once, until he was over two.

We decided to adopt our third child and during the home study visit, our social worker asked us to describe our kids' personalities.  I was pretty honest about the challenges we'd had with #2, so he asked, "What if you get another child like that?"  I responded, "That's why we're going outside the gene pool."

[Simple Abundant Living]

I just thought I'd tell you our story. Thirteen-ish years ago we had four kids, two boys and two girls. And we were done.  I gave away/sold our baby things.  Then five years later I started feeling that we weren't done.  We are religious, so I prayed to know God's will.  I told my husband I thought we were supposed to have another. He said he didn't have those feelings, but he would support my decision if I chose it.  It was hard not having him on board, but we did have baby #5. We also went through a stressful move at the time and he basically ignored that I was pregnant. When she was born, my husband wept and said it was the best decision we (I) ever made.  He has been tightly wrapped around that little girl's fingers ever since. We even had another girl two years later.  Now our older kids are leaving the nest, we are daily grateful for those little girls! 

I know it's hard not having your dh's support, but I wanted to share that story.