Choosing Between Career and Family

[Corporate Coconut]

After nine years in a high stress corporate job (and constantly questioning the purpose of it all and spending WAY too much time on this forum), I recently resigned from my job and will be working my last day in the end of July. By the time I receive my last salary my husband and I will have investments of $650k and my husband's salary is enough to cover our lifestyle as well as invest $100K annually. I am covered under his insurance. My husband has no interest in early retirement, but is a big fan of financial independence, meaning that he is happy to keep working for the added financial security as well as the intellectual challenge and enjoyment of what he does. 

The plan for me was to take some time off to do a corporate detox and figure out what I wanted to do next, but one week ago we found out that I am pregnant in week 5 after trying to conceive for the last nine months. We are very happy about this and I feel like the timing is great as this will give me about 6 months of time off before the baby is due and feel no rush to go back to work until the baby and I are ready. As a Scandinavian, I am culturally programmed to be at home with the baby for at least one year, even if I am now based in Asia where my current employer would have granted me two months paid and one month unpaid leave.

Ever since my friends and colleagues started having babies about 8 years ago, I have had an increasing nagging feeling that I will want to pursue motherhood in a different way than the majority seem to be. In my circle of (female) friends and acquaintances, it is basically a race to get back to work and to keep climbing the career ladder as if nothing has happened. Children are being shuffled back and forth to day care with the occasional help from grandparents and nannies, all while marriages are shattering and the money being made is poured into vacations and gadgets to escape from the brutal reality. Part-time work is not a possibility for these high level professionals I know, so it's all or nothing, and my generation of women have been brought up to believe in insist on having it all. Frequent travel and work across several time zones in both directions is a necessity.

My own career trajectory has been steep and it has been mostly fulfilling. The ego, the resume and the bank account have all been rewarded greatly for the work I have put in over the last nine years, but I just can't seem to figure out where this race leads us and how long we will keep running. I don't regret putting off having children until my mid-thirties as I feel that I have gotten a lot out of my system that my peers with young children are chasing in a much more complex situation, but I also feel that I am moving into a new phase of my life with different priorities and new opportunities.

I come from a Mustachian upbringing, but my first years in the corporate world was spent chasing experiences. When I occasionally end up on someone's bucket list online I have done most of the things most people seem to dream of. These days I am just as happy to stay at home reading and walking the dogs and my idea of a great time out is lunch at a great cafe.

The plan now is to say goodbye to corporate hell in July, take one month's vacation in Europe visiting friends and family, possibly do a 3 month consultancy gig in September-November, and then take all the time I need with the new baby. If I start itching to go back to work at some point I hope to work for myself either as a consultant or freelancer/management-for-hire and at some point possibly start a lifestyle business, meaning enough to support me and a few employees doing something that is meaningful.

I am curious to hear from me fellow mustachians how do you ladies handle the stigma of leaving a high status career to stay at home with your kids longer than is socially acceptable where you live? I sometimes feel like I am letting the sisterhood down by opting out, while I see that the current way of doing things isn't working for the majority of the people I know. I also feel guilty for my husband supporting me through this when I have the chance to keep providing for myself... He does not think like this at all - it is all in my head.

[Rezdent]

Congratulations.
I probably don't qualify as a member of the "sisterhood",  but I think raising wonderful children is an admirable undertaking and wish you happiness and success.
I opted to stay at home with my second child, largely because of her special needs at that time.  I so wish I had been able to do that with my first child - it truly was the best thing my daughter.

[ThunderCats]

You're supporting the new sisterhood!  I hear of more and more people opting out of the "have it all" work and motherhood juggle... and even more who wish they could.  It really isn't a model that works well for families, children, or women.  And it's a shame that stay at home mothers aren't as valued by society as individuals in the work force.

I'm currently on an extended maternity leave... something that is basically unheard of in my department, and something which is likely going to end with me quitting and taking time off to be a mom.  After having my first child, I took **GASP** 4 months off of work, and my supervisor spoke ill of me behind my back about it.  Right now with baby #2, I'm officially taking at least two years off.

Taking the time off is the best decision I've made in my life... even if I were to go back to work some day.  It really has helped me gain perspective to just step out of the stress for a while.  That being said, me becoming a stay at home parent certainly wasn't my mother's dream for me someday.  I have a masters degree, and it's definitely taking me some time to process that the career I established after working so hard is no longer what identifies me.  Most days I'm grateful, but there are days I miss it/miss working with adults.

Anyway, congratulations on your pregnancy!  It sounds like the timing is really going to work out well for you and your growing family :-)

[rockstache]

I don't have children but I think the "sisterhood" is (or should be), all about having the freedom to make the choice that's best for you. If it's high priced gadgets and  a high flying career...cool. If not, also cool. Where it gets uncool is when someone applies their value judgment to another's choices.

[little_brown_dog]

I can relate to this. My demographic is white, graduate educated, professional women in the Northeast USA. In my peer group and geographic location, being a SAHM is the radical thing to do while working full time is the typical path. SAHMs are often looked down on as less intelligent, financially irresponsible, or just downright backward. Of course, no one says this outright but the routine comments make it clear: "what DO you do all day?"; "I would be so bored, I need to be intellectually stimulated"; "I would never feel comfortable being so dependent on a man!"; "Are you religious?";  "Why get a graduate degree if you are just going to stay home - you should use your education!"

My story:  I have a masters degree and worked as a manager at a prestigious company before I became pregnant. While I was there, not one woman I knew left to stay home, or even took an extended maternity leave. A couple of young moms secretly confided to me that they wished they could stay home or work part time, but it wasn't feasible for them financially. The older women who were more senior and had older kids were go-getters and really took pride in their ability to do it all. It was not uncommon for these high status women to have their kids in the before-school programs, and the after school programs (or in 10 hour day/nanny care for babies) to accommodate their high pressure work schedules. There was really no other way to do it - their high level positions depended on their complete dedication to the job, so daycare, nannies, or extremely supportive/flexible partners had to step in. These women were amazing, successful people who were really doing big things. Some were so inspiring. But everything has a tradeoff, and there is no getting around it, they traded time with their families. It wasn't always obvious, but every now and then you would see the cracks. The rush out the door to not miss another practice or play because Joey was so upset last time...the frustration and sometimes even tears when the realization hit they would yet again have to work on the weekend and cancel their play date with their daughter.

I knew that lifestyle was not for me. The idea of outsourcing the majority of my childcare responsibilities during the work week so I could work to make the company more money was not something I felt comfortable doing. I guess I decided I would rather rock one thing (being a mom) than drive myself crazy trying to do everything. I work well under pressure, but I have experienced first hand how damaging overwork and burnout can be both physically and psychologically. I wanted to be my best self for my family, and for me, that meant bucking the trend and making my family my sole profession/vocation. It has been 6 months and I absolutely love it. I don't miss work at all, and everyone is happy with the arrangement. Being "just" a mom, a wife, etc works for me, but I can understand why many women feel differently. At one time I thought I would "need" to be employed too, but then I really had a change of heart and my perspective really shifted once I spent significant time around the women I thought I wanted to be. I realized their lives weren't perfect, and many were actually extremely stressed. I decided to take a different path to see if that was a better fit for me.

[Corporate Coconut]

Thanks Rezdent! That is very encouraging to hear.

I agree. If there is one thing this world needs it's parents raising great little humans - not another yuppie running up the ladder.

I am curious to why say say you probably don't qualify as a member of the sisterhood? :)

[Corporate Coconut]

Dearest Thundercats,

I actually read your thread about your situation before writing my own post. I am happy to hear that you are leaning towards quitting your job to stay at home, as that is what I read between the lines of your initial post regarding your dilemma.

I like thinking of this as the new sisterhood! Thankfully, my mother is on the same page as me. She has to go back to work for financial reasons after one year of staying at home (thank you Sweden!) with my brother and then with me, but she also had the opportunity to stay at home for four years when I was five to nine years old. She then went back to the work force as a professional, consulting, running her own company, going back to corporate, finally retiring as a CEO a few years ago, and I remember having a conversation with her just a few months before she was due to leave. Looking back at everything she had done, I asked her if it was worth it. "Not really", she quickly replied. My mother does not care about money or power, and does not have a very sensitive ego. This made a huge impression on me as my mother has done so well for herself as a woman of her generation and social class, but when looking back she would have preferred to spend more time with my brother and I. So safe to say, she supports my decision.

However, I think a lot about identity and self worth, but I am dead set on not letting what I do in front of the computer in a dusty office define who I am to the world!

How are you doing on taking the plunge and resigning from your job? ;)

[Corporate Coconut]

Rockstache, you are absolutely right. The sisterhood and the feminism that unites us is all about freedom of choice.

I have spent a life and a career having the confidence and the opportunities to do whatever I wanted. I believe these qualities are the same that make me look around with a critical eye and go: "Nope, this system is broken" and do it my own way.

[SimplyMarvie]

This sounds a little bit like a humblebrag... like "Oh, I feel guilty, but my way is so much better than those misguided career mothers I know." I hope that you didn't mean it like that, and am totally open to some of that being what I am bringing to the table as a high-flying career mama who does (mostly) have it all. I think what bothers be about your post is that you sound very accusatory and judgmental toward the other women that you know, without any actual need to be. That resonates for me because I know that I made a lot very similar comments and posts on-line and had a lot of very similar conversations when I was first pregnant and a new mother.

Let me share with you the absolute most important truth I have come to in ten years (eek) of mothering:

Your choices are entirely, completely, totally perfect. They are totally perfect for you independently, without needing to contrast, shame or denigrate the choices of other women. Those comparisons don't do anything to make your choices any more (or less) perfect. You don't need to judge other women's parenting or marriages, or even gadgetry-purchase decisions, or demean them or try to make them less in order to make you more, because you are already making the best decision you can for you and your family. And you know what? So are they.

So please be gentle to other families, and go on with your bad self! I'm truly happy for you that you're in a position where everything has come together to allow you to take the time you want with your baby, and wish you a healthy, happy pregnancy and a joyful and easy birth.

[nottoolatetostart]

You are all good! Don't worry about the sisterhood....I would say it is more about doing what is right and not feeling like you have to do one thing or another and definitely don't judge other moms.

I was a senior vice president at a megacorp up until a few months ago - a job that would have me working crazy hours, stressed, feeding my family mac and cheese at night. I have a 3 and 2 yr old. My husband has a demanding career. We made A LOT of money and live in a LCOL area.

I would never say this to my real life girlfriends, but that was miserable. I feel bad for them for doing both. All of them said they wished they could stay at home, but could not afford it. It is rough. They sound exhausted. I give a lot of props to those moms that can keep working full-time and have kids.

I just don't think about my former title and prestige. It's irrelevant now. I put it away like a chapter in a book. I call it early retirement!  Also, the slow living is so much more luxurious than you could imagine. For example, taking my daughter to storytime at the library, playing outside, biking around town together.

I worried about the "dependency" of a man, but our net worth entirely earned during our marriage while we both worked, if we split today was be enough to get me and my kids by, let alone if I got child support or alimony.

My husband LOVES having a SAHM too (he was the most anti-SAHM previously). He has often commented we should have done it sooner.

[TVRodriguez]

This sounds a little bit like a humblebrag... like "Oh, I feel guilty, but my way is so much better than those misguided career mothers I know." I hope that you didn't mean it like that, and am totally open to some of that being what I am bringing to the table as a high-flying career mama who does (mostly) have it all. I think what bothers be about your post is that you sound very accusatory and judgmental toward the other women that you know, without any actual need to be. That resonates for me because I know that I made a lot very similar comments and posts on-line and had a lot of very similar conversations when I was first pregnant and a new mother.

Let me share with you the absolute most important truth I have come to in ten years (eek) of mothering:

Your choices are entirely, completely, totally perfect. They are totally perfect for you independently, without needing to contrast, shame or denigrate the choices of other women. Those comparisons don't do anything to make your choices any more (or less) perfect. You don't need to judge other women's parenting or marriages, or even gadgetry-purchase decisions, or demean them or try to make them less in order to make you more, because you are already making the best decision you can for you and your family. And you know what? So are they.

So please be gentle to other families, and go on with your bad self! I'm truly happy for you that you're in a position where everything has come together to allow you to take the time you want with your baby, and wish you a healthy, happy pregnancy and a joyful and easy birth.

+1. 

Not really a high flying career over here, but DH and I have nearly full-time professions that we enjoy, and we have 3 kids (ages 5, 7, and 9) who have never had a nanny.  DH and I make it work.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! 

[Suze456]

Congrats. Pre-kids, I worked full-time and would get home too tired to even talk to the dog. I said then that if I ever had kids, I would not work full-time. I was lucky enough to get a part-time job at Manager level, slight drop from my full-time job but nothing significant and have worked part-time now for 8 years. Still as the same level, but my job is very flexible. I went back to work one day a week after 5.5 months after first baby and hated it. Still in a baby bubble, still exclusively breastfeeding. Once we got to 9 months, it was fine and I was back to 3 days a week. Took 8 months maternity leave after my second baby was born and was starting to crack up so very glad to get back to work, just 2 days a week.
I would like to get back to working 3 days a week but dh works crazy hours, it puts too much pressure on the family and financially it's not worth it. In an ideal world I would work 24 hours and dh 40 but that's not going to happen.

There's no real norm in society for me - among my friends and neighours there are some SAHM's, some SAHM's who mind other kids too/work part-time, some have part-time careers (part-time or job share), and some work full-time. For the mum's working full-time, the husbands either don't work full-time or have more flexible hours.

[Cassie]

It is really great to have choices because you are prepared financially. Do what makes you happy.

[Mr. Green]

I am quitting my job in two weeks to go hike the Appalachian Trail. My wife is staying behind and working to support us financially as I pursue this dream. I can relate to that guilty feeling about relying on your spouse for support when you are capable of supporting yourself. In our case, I have asked her countless times if she was okay with that and she really is. She wants me to pursue this dream. Even though I still feel guilty, I have to trust that she is telling me the truth about how she feels. I find our priorities are changing as we get older and the only thing we can do is communicate clearly about those changes and trust that the other is providing truthful feedback.

Good luck with everything!

[renata ricotta]

...

Ever since my friends and colleagues started having babies about 8 years ago, I have had an increasing nagging feeling that I will want to pursue motherhood in a different way than the majority seem to be. In my circle of (female) friends and acquaintances, it is basically a race to get back to work and to keep climbing the career ladder as if nothing has happened. Children are being shuffled back and forth to day care with the occasional help from grandparents and nannies, all while marriages are shattering and the money being made is poured into vacations and gadgets to escape from the brutal reality.

...


I am curious to hear from me fellow mustachians how do you ladies handle the stigma of leaving a high status career to stay at home with your kids longer than is socially acceptable where you live?

...

A couple of people have touched on it, but there's a tad bit of irony in those two statements.

I think the best thing you can do for the "sisterhood" (and to reduce stigma for your choices) is to do what's best for you and RESIST judging other people in the way you don't want to be judged. If you don't want to work, that's great, and it looks like you're financially well-prepared to make that choice. Good on you; being mustachian is about putting yourself in a position where you can make choices.

But you will alienate all of your working-mom friends if you start implying that they are neglecting their children, or that they have chosen their career over their family, even if you make that implication in the context of explaining your own choices. I'd be willing to bet most of them see their careers as something they do in service to their family, not in spite of it; they aren't wrong, just different than you. So just make your choices, own them, and don't try to justify them by saying things like "I could never let my child be shuttled back and forth to daycare!" or "My marriage would be shattered if I hadn't quit my job!" Their hackles will understandably be raised, they will get defensive, and they will end up implying that you are making the bad decision, and the cycle of defensiveness, insecurity, and undermining continues. Help stop it by just doing you and letting other people do their thing.

[Corporate Coconut]

SimplyMarvie, TVRodriguez and bridget, thank you for your critical input and perspective, but a few comments:

I am surrounded by working mothers such as yourselves. I have been watching them for the last nine years, and I am not saying that motherhood and a career can't be combined. I'm just saying that I don't think it's what I want to do at this point, looking at my family's situation. This is part of a much bigger picture where I have been questioning my work and career for a while now, and I was in the process of exploring other ways of meaningful work before I fell pregnant. If you love what you are doing I am happy for you (and jealous)! I am just not there at the moment.

You tell me not to judge people around me. I am in a phase in my life where I need to make som critical decisions and what other tools do we have than to look at those around us, reflect on the choices they have made and use that as a stepping stone to choosing what is right for us? I would never dream of shoving my choice in their faces. I would probably not even have this conversation IRL as I don't want anyone to feel accused or questioned. I am not here to start a mommy war.

Finally, humblebrag? Seriously? Haha! I am five weeks pregnant and have no idea what awaits. I am clueless and I know it. Humble, yes. The tone you picked up is most likely me trying to pep talk myself into choosing a road that NO ONE I know has taken.

Check back in a few years and we'll see how I'm doing. ;)

[renata ricotta]

You tell me not to judge people around me. I am in a phase in my life where I need to make som critical decisions and what other tools do we have than to look at those around us, reflect on the choices they have made and use that as a stepping stone to choosing what is right for us? I would never dream of shoving my choice in their faces. I would probably not even have this conversation IRL as I don't want anyone to feel accused or questioned. I am not here to start a mommy war.

Try channeling Amy Poehler: "Good for her; not for me."

That's it. I get that you're writing on an internet forum and this might not be how you would present it with other moms, but seriously, do not attempt to explain to other parents IRL why you are doing what you are doing other than "this is what I/we decided was best for me/us right now." You of course can use all the information around you to make your own decision for your own self - I didn't mean to imply otherwise. I honestly think I'm directly answering your question - the best way to reduce/resist stigma is to make your decisions, live with them, and not attempt to justify them to others. It will backfire.

[Corporate Coconut]

little_brown_dog, thanks for your lengthy reply!

It sounds like you have been able to design your life in a way that suits your family well! Is your plan to be a SAHM for the long run, or are you just taking it one day at a time?

I can relate to the "rocking one thing". Over the years, I have worked up my organisational skills and work capacity, but when in full throttle, there is always the risk of balancing close to the burn out edge. I've been there quite a few times. I was interviewing for a VP position a while back, but after the initial meeting, I just saw the workload, the travelling, the late night phone conferences and the frustrations unfold and I was just over it. So on to the next phase of my life! I am excited to see what it entails. And I am not closing the door on work life, but I think the next time around I will prefer to work for myself.

Do you have a network of other moms in your situation and corporate background?

[little_brown_dog]

little_brown_dog, thanks for your lengthy reply!

It sounds like you have been able to design your life in a way that suits your family well! Is your plan to be a SAHM for the long run, or are you just taking it one day at a time?

I can relate to the "rocking one thing". Over the years, I have worked up my organisational skills and work capacity, but when in full throttle, there is always the risk of balancing close to the burn out edge. I've been there quite a few times. I was interviewing for a VP position a while back, but after the initial meeting, I just saw the workload, the travelling, the late night phone conferences and the frustrations unfold and I was just over it. So on to the next phase of my life! I am excited to see what it entails. And I am not closing the door on work life, but I think the next time around I will prefer to work for myself.

Do you have a network of other moms in your situation and corporate background?

I plan on being a SAHM until the kids are in school. Daycare and nanny costs here are about 2000 (USD) a month for one baby, never mind multiple kids! We would like to have our children relatively close together in age, so it makes sense to me to just be out of the full time work force until the kids can go to school. Thankfully we are in a good place financially and can plan to do this. If a part time opportunity presents itself where I can do some consulting or work from home and it doesn't impact my ability to care for my daughter, I would certainly consider it. Unfortunately I don't know many SAHMs who used to have jobs like mine - the vast majority of women stay in the workforce full time around here.

I never ever thought I would be a SAHM until I got extremely sick from work related stress, and realized that having it all might not be healthy for me. There was a 3-4 month period where I had migraines 3-4 days every week. I had early miscarriages despite being young and supposedly healthy. When I would go to the doctor's for routine wellness visits, my blood pressure was in the 130s/80s whereas it used to always be < 110/75. Once I found out I was pregnant again, I slashed my hours to PT and then quit after the baby was born. Once my work hours decreased, literally overnight the migraines disappeared, the pregnancy was healthy, and my blood pressure dropped back to normal despite the fact that I was growing a second human. Even at 36 weeks pregnant my bp never went above 118. It could have been a complete coincidence but I don't think so. If you intuitively feel like your current work lifestyle may not be healthy (physically or emotionally) when baby arrives, take those feelings seriously. You and baby come first.

[gluskap]

My daughter is now almost 2 and I am starting to question my decision about whether I can "do it all" as a mother and a working career women.  I feel guilty because I'm putting her in at least 10.5-11 hours of daycare a day with maybe one day off when my mom can watch her.  It's a struggle to just feed her and bath her when I get home and have been guilty of those mac n' cheese and pizza delivery dinners. Part of it is my crazy commute of 2.5-3 hours a day too.  We don't have a nanny and while my mom helps on her one day off, she's still working too.  Now we're at the stage of trying to decide if we want another kid and I'm beginning to think that if we have another one that maybe I should just be a SAHM.  I was considering not going back to work after the first one was born but during my maternity leave of 4 months, part of me was actually happy to go back and have some adult interaction and some variety to my days.  Also while we might be able to live on just one income, we would have to dramatically scale back our expenses to make it work.  The problem is I'm not sure if I will be happy as a SAHM either.  Ideal would be some type of PT career but it's not possible with what I'm doing now.  I'm interested in how other working mothers make it work?

[abhe8]

My dh is a sahd. :) I have a ft, stressful but very well paid job. I can't imagine trying to juggle work and family if dh also worked outside the home 40-50 hrs a week.

[TVRodriguez]

SimplyMarvie, TVRodriguez and bridget, thank you for your critical input and perspective, but a few comments:

I am surrounded by working mothers such as yourselves. I have been watching them for the last nine years, and I am not saying that motherhood and a career can't be combined. I'm just saying that I don't think it's what I want to do at this point, looking at my family's situation. This is part of a much bigger picture where I have been questioning my work and career for a while now, and I was in the process of exploring other ways of meaningful work before I fell pregnant. If you love what you are doing I am happy for you (and jealous)! I am just not there at the moment.

You tell me not to judge people around me. I am in a phase in my life where I need to make som critical decisions and what other tools do we have than to look at those around us, reflect on the choices they have made and use that as a stepping stone to choosing what is right for us? I would never dream of shoving my choice in their faces. I would probably not even have this conversation IRL as I don't want anyone to feel accused or questioned. I am not here to start a mommy war.

Finally, humblebrag? Seriously? Haha! I am five weeks pregnant and have no idea what awaits. I am clueless and I know it. Humble, yes. The tone you picked up is most likely me trying to pep talk myself into choosing a road that NO ONE I know has taken.

Check back in a few years and we'll see how I'm doing. ;)

You are surrounded by working mothers, but not perhaps like myself.

Like you, when I was contemplating motherhood, I looked at other mothers I knew or knew of, and I considered what their lives might be like and whether I would like to lead a similar life. 

Like you, I saw several women whose lives I did not wish to lead.  In my profession, law, I saw women who worked from 8am to 10pm and who leaned an awful lot on the grandparents to do lots of heavy lifting.  My children have no grandparents nearby so that was out.  I saw women with two nannies and a driver, sometimes for each child.  I didn't think that was for me, either.  I saw women who dropped out of professional life for years, coming back and working so much harder to try to regain the respect of their colleagues, and whose children did not even remember those early years--one of my colleagues, a senior law partner, told me that her children had no memory of the 8 years she spent at home with them, and that they accused her of lying to them, that their grandma must have been there, since that's who took over when she went back to work.  I wish I were joking.  I saw women who had been professionals who seemed desperate to prove in any conversation that they really were smart and not "just" moms, when no one was denigrating them for being a mom.  I also saw men whose wives left work to stay home with the children--I saw how many of those men, sometimes years later, lost respect for their wives, who were often left bewildered and with little economic power after the divorce.

I didn't want to be any of those women.

Like you, I had to decide for myself what would work for my family.  I didn't have the luxury of dropping out since my income was the main support for our family at the time.  I didn't have the personality to trust a single person, a nanny, to be alone with my child in our home, so I chose a daycare close to work so I could visit daily and then watch on their webcams when I was at my desk.  I chose to cut back on my hours and take a pay cut.  I later chose to leave the large firm, despite the generous maternity leave, and start up my own practice so I would have more control over my own time.

Now I have the best of all worlds for myself.  I get to attend field trips and Muffins with Mom days at school, and I also get to earn a living in a profession that I truly find rewarding.  That is what worked for me.

I may not have made my point earlier, but it is this:  Don't paint all working mothers with the same brush as you do above when say you are "surrounded by working mothers like you."  There is not one single way to be a mother, nor a single way to be a working mother.  You choose what works for your family, as I did for mine, and I'll be happy for you.

[ThunderCats]

Dearest Thundercats,

I actually read your thread about your situation before writing my own post. I am happy to hear that you are leaning towards quitting your job to stay at home, as that is what I read between the lines of your initial post regarding your dilemma.

I like thinking of this as the new sisterhood! Thankfully, my mother is on the same page as me. She has to go back to work for financial reasons after one year of staying at home (thank you Sweden!) with my brother and then with me, but she also had the opportunity to stay at home for four years when I was five to nine years old. She then went back to the work force as a professional, consulting, running her own company, going back to corporate, finally retiring as a CEO a few years ago, and I remember having a conversation with her just a few months before she was due to leave. Looking back at everything she had done, I asked her if it was worth it. "Not really", she quickly replied. My mother does not care about money or power, and does not have a very sensitive ego. This made a huge impression on me as my mother has done so well for herself as a woman of her generation and social class, but when looking back she would have preferred to spend more time with my brother and I. So safe to say, she supports my decision.

However, I think a lot about identity and self worth, but I am dead set on not letting what I do in front of the computer in a dusty office define who I am to the world!

How are you doing on taking the plunge and resigning from your job? ;)

I've only partially taken the plunge :-p.  I'm maxing out the allowed unpaid maternity leave before quitting... it's like a security blanket knowing that if we ever had a sudden need for more income, I'd just have to call my supervisor and tell him I'd be back next week.  But I'm starting to own the "I'm a stay at home mom" identity.  It definitely helps meeting other people in similar situations.  A lot of stay at home mom's I met at the beginning were mothers who clearly wanted to go back to work and saw staying home as a temporary situation... which seemed to be what would make them happy, but was more difficult for me to relate to as I realized I wasn't sure I wanted to go back.

But deciding to stay home longer/permanently is helping me feeling like I don't need to rush things.  For instance, when we talk about planning for baby #3, we used to talk a lot about my plans for work, as I would not be eligible for another maternity leave if I didn't work at least a year before having #3.  Not needing to figure out work along with everything else takes off some pressure for family planning.  Or in day to day, I don't feel a pressure to "enjoy them while you can!" since I do get so much time with them... so if I need to spend a day in survival mode or we don't get to the library for story time for a month, it's ok, there's always tomorrow/next week.

[Frugster]

Not sure if this really answers your question but... I've been a SAHM for about 6 months. I didn't know any other SAHMs before I left work, and one thing I can say that has really helped is changing that by meeting some! If you live in an urban area, you can probably find groups on Yahoo! Groups or Meetup (or possibly on Facebook, although I personally haven't found that one to be helpful). Here in NYC, there are a number of neighborhood-based groups where you can find other ladies with babies born in the same month as yours, and I'm willing to bet that the same thing can be found elsewhere. Many people join while they are still pregnant. It's easy to connect to strangers when you are all going through the same huge change.

[abiteveryday]

I'm not in your situation, in fact I'm not even a woman, but do what works for you.    After our second child was born my wife stayed home 18 months, with no apparent negative impact on her career.    Now she's working and I'm six months into being the stay at home parent myself, and we will see how that impacts the future.   But you know what, I get to be involved in my kids activities, or take them hiking, or even just do crap around the house so that the weekend is available for fun family activities.     I'm sure some friends think it's strange.   My parents think it's borderline shameful that I'm a man that doesn't work outside the home.    Is it really so different than the pushback we all get about high savings rates though?    I'm not sure where I'm going with this.  I hope your plan goes well and feels good.

[mm1970]

I think the first thing that you have to do is to learn to not care what other people think.  Truly.

There is no "right" answer. The "career woman vs. motherhood" is also a false choice.  There are a million shades of gray in the middle, that many people don't see. You don't see it because you aren't living it.

You are looking at this from the lens of a career woman, who is "letting the sisterhood down" by quitting.  But that's not real.

My friend in DC joked once that "there are no SAHMs in DC except military wives".  Yes, there is an element of truth to that (DC being a high-powered place), but he's a dude without kids.  So he doesn't *See* it.

The thing that helps the sisterhood is to be you.  Maybe you quit your job and never look back.  Maybe you quit your job and realize that SAHM is not for you, and you miss the corporate gig.  So you find another one that requires less travel.  Maybe instead you start consulting.  Maybe your old job calls you desperate for help, and you negotiate a 1/2 time or 1/3 time thing.

Any of those are possible, and they happen ALL THE TIME.  I'm a mother of 2 (a bit older than you) and I work FT. 
- My FT work is not 50 hours a week, it's barely 40
- I have a ton of flexibility to volunteer at the school, work at home when the kids are sick, leave early for baseball practice
- I cut my hours to part time for a few years when the kids were younger

I have friends who work part time.  Or they consult.  Or they started their own business.  Or they teach one class a semester at the college.  Or they are teachers and have summers off.  It's very very common, and of course, I see it because I'm a mom with 2 kids who knows a lot of other moms.

So you just have to do YOU.  What feels right when you are sleep deprived with a newborn is going to feel different when you have 2 kids in elementary school.  What feels right when your kids aren't in any activities might need adjustment when they play traveling soccer.

The great thing about being frugal, or FI, is that you have choices that some people don't have.  I really enjoyed my job and climbing the ladder ... until shortly after 40, when I got a new boss, and found that glass ceiling.  It's pretty tough to do the soul searching involved with that.  But I decided to roll with it - new boss, new amount of flexibility (and a second kid).  I find that if I'm not being rewarded at work, I'd rather do more for my kids and get rewarded there.  So I do!

I understand letting down the sisterhood. One reason why I was so adamant about working part time for those years is that I felt it was my DUTY to prove to the men in the tech sector that it can be done.  That you can do JUST as quality work, at the same level of difficulty, for just fewer hours a week.  If I don't do it, who will?  Many women cannot work PT because nobody has done it before and proven that it WORKS.  And sadly, you have to do it individually at each company before it becomes "normal".

A little backstory, I worked for a boss who would only let me go part time if he demoted me.  So I stayed full time.  He left.  My new boss was fine with reduced hours at the same pay and job level.  It was fantastic.  I got a new boss who said "I don't believe in part time".  "But it works".  "I don't believe it works."  "Let me prove it." "No."  "I quit".

Went to a new company part time (ironically, my old boss).  At that prior company, two of us were working part time (the only two to have babies there).  About a year after I left, they had pressured her to work more hours SO MUCH that she quit to become a consultant.  A couple of years after that, another friend of mine there had a baby.  (It was a 30-person office, with a handful of women engineers, three of us in our 30s.)  She asked to go part time.  They let her, with a statement "maybe we didn't handle mm's situation very well".  So yeah, they learned their lesson.  But then they pressured her to go full time again after about a year.  So she quit.  Fast forward a few more years, now they have *another* young woman there, who is now a mom, and is working part time.  And they are not putting undue pressure on her to go full time.  So a recap: it took three women quitting before they realized that they were making a mistake.  They are *very* slow to hire, so they lost a ton of productivity with each person leaving.

(The bonus of working part time to show it can be done is completely aside from the fact that part time work is the best of both worlds for me.  I get to work and get the satisfaction from that, but I get the flexibility to be with my kids and take them to the park every day, etc.  And exercise.  And sleep.)

So yeah, as others have said, don't judge others.  It doesn't make you more "right".  You have no idea why they choose the path they choose, or what their options are, really.

[little_brown_dog]

I think the first thing that you have to do is to learn to not care what other people think.  Truly.

There is no "right" answer. The "career woman vs. motherhood" is also a false choice.  There are a million shades of gray in the middle, that many people don't see. You don't see it because you aren't living it.

You are looking at this from the lens of a career woman, who is "letting the sisterhood down" by quitting.  But that's not real.

My friend in DC joked once that "there are no SAHMs in DC except military wives".  Yes, there is an element of truth to that (DC being a high-powered place), but he's a dude without kids.  So he doesn't *See* it.

The thing that helps the sisterhood is to be you.  Maybe you quit your job and never look back.  Maybe you quit your job and realize that SAHM is not for you, and you miss the corporate gig.  So you find another one that requires less travel.  Maybe instead you start consulting.  Maybe your old job calls you desperate for help, and you negotiate a 1/2 time or 1/3 time thing.

Any of those are possible, and they happen ALL THE TIME.  I'm a mother of 2 (a bit older than you) and I work FT. 
- My FT work is not 50 hours a week, it's barely 40
- I have a ton of flexibility to volunteer at the school, work at home when the kids are sick, leave early for baseball practice
- I cut my hours to part time for a few years when the kids were younger

I have friends who work part time.  Or they consult.  Or they started their own business.  Or they teach one class a semester at the college.  Or they are teachers and have summers off.  It's very very common, and of course, I see it because I'm a mom with 2 kids who knows a lot of other moms.

So you just have to do YOU.  What feels right when you are sleep deprived with a newborn is going to feel different when you have 2 kids in elementary school.  What feels right when your kids aren't in any activities might need adjustment when they play traveling soccer.

The great thing about being frugal, or FI, is that you have choices that some people don't have.  I really enjoyed my job and climbing the ladder ... until shortly after 40, when I got a new boss, and found that glass ceiling.  It's pretty tough to do the soul searching involved with that.  But I decided to roll with it - new boss, new amount of flexibility (and a second kid).  I find that if I'm not being rewarded at work, I'd rather do more for my kids and get rewarded there.  So I do!

I understand letting down the sisterhood. One reason why I was so adamant about working part time for those years is that I felt it was my DUTY to prove to the men in the tech sector that it can be done.  That you can do JUST as quality work, at the same level of difficulty, for just fewer hours a week.  If I don't do it, who will?  Many women cannot work PT because nobody has done it before and proven that it WORKS.  And sadly, you have to do it individually at each company before it becomes "normal".

A little backstory, I worked for a boss who would only let me go part time if he demoted me.  So I stayed full time.  He left.  My new boss was fine with reduced hours at the same pay and job level.  It was fantastic.  I got a new boss who said "I don't believe in part time".  "But it works".  "I don't believe it works."  "Let me prove it." "No."  "I quit".

Went to a new company part time (ironically, my old boss).  At that prior company, two of us were working part time (the only two to have babies there).  About a year after I left, they had pressured her to work more hours SO MUCH that she quit to become a consultant.  A couple of years after that, another friend of mine there had a baby.  (It was a 30-person office, with a handful of women engineers, three of us in our 30s.)  She asked to go part time.  They let her, with a statement "maybe we didn't handle mm's situation very well".  So yeah, they learned their lesson.  But then they pressured her to go full time again after about a year.  So she quit.  Fast forward a few more years, now they have *another* young woman there, who is now a mom, and is working part time.  And they are not putting undue pressure on her to go full time.  So a recap: it took three women quitting before they realized that they were making a mistake.  They are *very* slow to hire, so they lost a ton of productivity with each person leaving.

(The bonus of working part time to show it can be done is completely aside from the fact that part time work is the best of both worlds for me.  I get to work and get the satisfaction from that, but I get the flexibility to be with my kids and take them to the park every day, etc.  And exercise.  And sleep.)

So yeah, as others have said, don't judge others.  It doesn't make you more "right".  You have no idea why they choose the path they choose, or what their options are, really.

This is all great advice - especially the part about PT work. When I dropped to PT, I was the first one to do it in my area. It was tough, there were a lot of unrealistic expectations and honestly it was stressful as hell for me. But I was the guinea pig, and it showed them it was possible to keep someone on PT and still have it be a valuable move for the team. Then when I had my baby, I decided that I didn't want to go back - but that was my choice, not the job. They would have let me go back PT but my criteria for where and how I would work had gotten much more strict. Now there is discussion about consulting work, and this time I'm in the complete power position because I have 0 to lose. I can pick and choose what I want to do, if I want to go into the office, and how many hours a week I can commit to. Not sure if it will pan out, but if it does, it will be just another step towards a more flexible workplace for moms.

[farmerj]

My friend in DC joked once that "there are no SAHMs in DC except military wives".  Yes, there is an element of truth to that (DC being a high-powered place), but he's a dude without kids.  So he doesn't *See* it.

I didn't know any other SAHMs before I left work, and one thing I can say that has really helped is changing that by meeting some! ... It's easy to connect to strangers when you are all going through the same huge change.

Yeah, what these guys say. You're surrounded by people who already made the stay-at-home choice; you just don't see them in your daily life. There's a whole other peer group out there. Once you start showing up to child-centric, daytime events - church, library, community - you will meet loads.

[MommyStache]

Well, the career I left wasn't high status. But choosing to stay home with my children has been the right decision for our family. There's no need to feel guilty and it seems like you are leaning towards staying home and your partner is onboard and your finances are in order. So go for it!

As far as the stigma, I'm sorry to say it might always be there around certain people. Some just can't seem to comprehend how raising people is a real job and really contributes to society. do what is right for your family. I agree with a previous poster who said that if there is a sisterhood, it should be about having the freedom to make whatever is the right choice for your family and situation.

[Kapiira]

I am currently working part time and that has made a huge difference for our family.  Although I do not financially contribute as much as my husband, there is no question that my part-time status makes life more sane for the whole family.  There are occasional weeks when I work 40+ hours, and it really drives home how much free-time my reduced hours provide for both my husband and me.  So don't feel guilty!  You'll just be contributing in a different way.

[Mongoose]

I've done working mom with nanny, working mom with no nanny with and without hubby working, SAHM, part time work, sneaking baby into work with me, and WAHM. All in the last 7 years. And maybe some other iterations. I've heard all of the letting the "sisterhood" down and wasting your degree stuff. The what do you do all day questions. None of those choices were stand out good or bad. Yes, there are pros and cons of each but they seem to pretty much balance out for me. YMMV.

Really, I've given up trying to define myself in terms of what I do or my choices. If asked, I tell people I am semi-retired. I may or may not stay semi-retired. I stressed a lot when my oldest was born about labels but have decided now that they don't mean anything. For instance, we're currently trying to start a business but I don't consider myself an entrepreneur or WAHM. I really don't think about it much. I'm just doing what is right for me and my family right now. And we're even adding homeschool on top of that, not because of any strong preference for that over public or private school. It's the same thing...it is a decision that currently seems best for us in our situation right now. If it doesn't seem to be working or our circumstances change, we'll simply make a different choice.

Things are changing in your life and you have the fantastic luxury and privilege of choice. And, for the most part, choices can often be changed as you and your circumstances change.

Good luck!

[Lulu0204]

I loved reading this thread. I actually just quit my job today (like two hours ago) to become a SAHM.

I have been working about eight years at a high paying corporate job and spent seven of those taking exams and becoming fully qualified in my field. It was A LOT of work. Am I crazy for quitting my job now? I wish I knew the answer!!

That being said, I am very excited to stay home with my five month old daughter. I look forward to the slower pace of life. I know my new little boss is going to be way harder on me than any corporate boss I had.

Any advice on how to handle the transition? I am thinking that a holiday from my cell phone and computer might be in order.

[Lulu0204]

I also want to throw my 2 cents out there on how disappointed I am with US maternity leave. Twelve weeks (half of which is unpaid) is not nearly enough time to figure out how to "be a mom" and get back to the working world. My corporate job denied my request to go part time. Between that and figuring out how to find good child care, how to continue breastfeeding (which they recommend you do for the first year - how in the world is that possible after going back to work full time at a demanding job) and how to function on lack of sleep, how can anyone expect to do a good job at work and be a good mom at the same time?

Sorry, I'm salty...

[Julard]

I note that discussion re being a stay-at-home parent seems usually to be around babies/young children.  I took a year off for each of mine - no paid parental leave, just lived in a very small, run-down house and burned through savings.  I don't regret it at all, those were the happiest years of my life. 

But now that my kids are older (12 and 14) I think they're going to need me even more. I thought they'd be increasingly self-sufficient, I thought I'd have more time to try and get my professional career happening again...  But as someone said to me years ago - "little kids little problems, big kids big problems".  I didn't appreciate at the time how true that could be, but now I'm stashing away everything I can so that if I need to take a year or two off when they're in their mid-teens I'll be able to.  Yes they could certainly use that time from me now, but I think the challenges they've been facing are likely to get more severe in the next few years, so I'm trying to make sure I'll have options.  Unfortunately I'm a single parent these days (full-time custody, with no child support from the other parent), so stay-at-home isn't a luxury I can afford without wiping out my savings.   

Based only on my experience, I've found that it's not possible to have both a successful career and adequate time with my children.  I haven't even discovered a way to have just a 'job' (which is all I've got currently) and still be the parent I want to be.  It's all about time.

[Lucky Girl]

I have struggled with these issues ever since I got pregnant with my first.  One of the things I am starting to realize is that it is not a binary choice.  It is not Career or Family.  As many others have mentioned, choice is the key component, and understanding that what you choose now does not have to be what you choose later (although I do think it is essential for women in particular to understand that staying at home with kids is likely to have a significant impact on their ability to get back to a high-powered career.)

I am currently a full time working mom, but have been part-time as well.  No arrangement is perfect.  My current plan is to work for another 1-2 years to hit a financial milestone, and then decide between part time work/consulting and being a SAHM.  Fortunately, like the OP, DH is the primary breadwinner and happy to continue.  But I want to have enough financial independence when I quit that even if he is fired he never has to find another job.  Also, should we ever divorce, we would both be ok.

By that time I will be almost 40, and will have had a real job/career for about 15 years.  I will consider myself retired/semi-retired, with the added bonus of getting to spend lots of time with my kids (who will then be 6 and 9).  If some cool opportunity comes up that I have to try, I will.  If I hate being a SAHM, I will figure something out.  But I will not need money, and I will have already proved to myself and my daughter (the only people that matter) that I am capable of having a career.

[Cassie]

Julard: if you stay home when your kids are teens you will be by yourself. These are busy, active years for kids. They will be studying hard after school, working p.t. jobs, sports, hanging out with friends, etc.  I know from raising 3 boys. You will see them just as much if you work f.t. or not at all.

[Julard]

Julard: if you stay home when your kids are teens you will be by yourself. These are busy, active years for kids. They will be studying hard after school, working p.t. jobs, sports, hanging out with friends, etc.  I know from raising 3 boys. You will see them just as much if you work f.t. or not at all.

Hi Cassie - I'd be really happy if that were true, but for my younger son at least it may well not be.  He's had three weeks in hospital and missed two terms + of school in the last year, and the underlying problem isn't likely to magically disappear.  My point was that things can go wrong, and when mixed in with adolescence (emotions/physical size) they can be much more difficult to deal with than little-kid issues.  In my case, taking extended time away from the workplace may become necessary.

Even my these-days-relatively-trouble-free older boy regularly tells me he'd prefer it if I didn't work so much.  I don't get home until around 5:30 most days, and he'd like a mother who is more available (physically and emotionally) and less tired and grumpy.  And I wish I could be around more to guide him through the studying hard, working p.t. job, hanging out with friends etc.