It drives me crazy that the cost of childcare is almost always compared to the wife's income when determining if somebody should stay at home, take $100s of dollars per week off most people's income and you will see a difference.
Well, on average women are paid less than men, so if you're going to compare the cost of anything to one member of a mixed-sex couple, you'll compare it to the woman's to make it sound too expensive so you can whinge about it and demand more government help, that's just the middle class way. But you are right that the joint household income must be considered.
I think if people are going to compare the cost of childcare to a wife's salary and leave off the other benefits of her working (adult interaction, insurance, mental well being, growing level of confidence outside of being a parent, retirement savings, etc) then the same should be done for the husbands salary. But ultimately staying at home is about more than just the financial aspects of childcare and they all aspects should be considered. Determining who is mental up for the job of childcare (if either parent is) is rarely considered. There are too many SAHM that suffer from depression that would do so much better if they were working, not all women (or people) are cut out to be full-time caregivers. -Rant Over-
I agree with all of this. But I really do want to emphasise that the decision should not be solely financial. That's important to emphasise in our culture generally, because we put such a high value on money, but also here on this forum because accumulating financial wealth is the focus of many people here.
However, what too many miss is that money is simply a tool to make your life better. And if you can make your life better in other ways, why not? For example, you could spend $10k a year on a car and $1k on a gym membership where you go to spin class, or you could ditch the car and just cycle to work. So you get the health benefits without spending the money. Likewise, if getting to workplace A means $10k more income, but that $10k goes on a car, then the workplace within walking distance that pays $10k less is, financially, absolutely equivalent. However, the reduced stress of walking rather than driving, the health benefits from walking, these are all things which are hard to put a dollar number to, but which are nonetheless benefits.
Likewise in a household deciding what to do with their kids. You could have one parent on $100k and another on $50k, and in some cases it may actually be smarter for the $100k parent to stay at home.
We know that a stable loving family is the best indicator of someone's long-term success and happiness in life, more important than race, social class, religion or lack of it, educational level of parents, and so on. So what sorts of things can we do to have a stable and loving family?
Well, I think that everyone sitting down for dinner to a home-cooked meal each night, the house being clean and (more or less) tidy, bedtime story for the kids, no rushing around or screaming or drama because we're trying to do 4 hours' housework in 1, no arguments about whose turn it is to do the dishes, the full-time working spouse able to come home and bathe or play with the kids and not have to worry about all that domestic nonsense - well, this makes the family home more stable, and when we're not as stressed it's easier to be loving.
Because the domestic stuff is done during the day, this gives a family time to just hang out, or take them to violin lessons or soccer or teach them Torah or whatever you think is important. Having someone at home may reduce income, but it may actually enrich your family life.
Consider that domestic stresses can and do lead to divorce, and that chasing after careers while at the same time trying to be a parent (thus, chasing two careers) is a definite stress. Now think of someone you know who's been through a messy divorce with upset children who are torn between the parents or hate one of them. How much money would you pay to avoid that, and instead have a stable loving family? No father wants to be the last lines of
Cats In The Cradle.
Trade or professional careers are important, yes. But being a husband or a wife or a parent is also a career. Money is important, yes. But money is a tool to first get you necessities and next to make your life better. In each decision in life, consider whether you are spending your time and money in the best way to make your life better. As the saying goes: nobody ever lay on their deathbed saying "I wish I'd spent more time at the office."
I firmly believe that a sober assessment of all aspects, not just financial, will lead to the man in any mixed-sex couple with children staying at home with the children far more often than is currently the case. Historically both men and women usually worked from home, so this wasn't really an issue. They were always around their kids whether they liked it or not :D