We have tried several different combinations. Keeping in mind gifts are gifts, and graciousness and politeness is more important.
For family and people we are really close to, some are happy with donations, as we explained that a debt free education will be worth so much more. Some family still wants to buy stuff, so they usually ask for a list, and my kids will send a thoughtful list. My family doesn’t want to seem to do the donation.
For friend parties, we have always said ‘No gifts please as your presence is gift enough’. We found just doing this it was random people still bought gifts, so we have also added either ‘OPTIONAL,child will be supported charity X.’ We have our child research a charity they want to support. We either asked for donations that charity needs, or a ‘$5 and $5’ which $5 dollars goes to the charity, and $5 to my child for whatever they are saving for. We also as parents will match all donations. So if my child wants to give their five also, the chariity gets that amount.
The $5 and $5 works well if list the charity and what our child is saving for. We found donations work well if we are specific. This year my kids did a used clothing drive for a children’s crisis nursery. So no money, no gifts. It changes each year, and it allows our kids to focus on the purpose of the party, to connect and celebrate with others, and help those less fortunate,. People seem to appreciate they don’t have to give anything, or if they really want to, they have an option for something easy and meaningful