Author Topic: Become "stay at home dad" while kids are preschool?  (Read 6403 times)

Kyle Schuant

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Re: Become "stay at home dad" while kids are preschool?
« Reply #50 on: April 27, 2019, 07:48:24 PM »
He would have two objections. The first is that if she earns less, then he now carries a greater financial burden, making his work more stressful for him since he can't walk away at any time. The second would be that if she becomes a more involved mother, then she will expect him to become a more involved father. Either way it's more work for him.

To which I say: such is life.

HumanAfterAll

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Re: Become "stay at home dad" while kids are preschool?
« Reply #51 on: April 28, 2019, 10:51:08 AM »
following

This is something I'm trying to convince my husband on (he is extremely resistant) .  We are both high earners, so there would be no savings related to child care, in fact our overall savings rate would drop.  The reason I'm pushing for it, is because of quality of life.  with 2 kids, 40+ hours a week and taking care of almost all the house needs (he travels for business), I'm burned out.  I'm not an effective mother, I'm not an effective worker, the house is always a mess, and there is not enough weekend time to catch up on everything.

Good luck! Perhaps you can convince him that itís in his best interest long term for you to not be burned out. Ultimately, you donít need his permission to quit. But it might go over better if he is onboard :)

I read this thread with interest. My wife is more career-motivated than I am. Our 3yo is in Montessori preschool full time. My plan is to RE when she goes into kindergarten, to be the one who spends time with her after school, and to have some time to myself on weekdays. To get chores and projects done on weekdays so evenings and weekends are family time.

MrsDinero

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Re: Become "stay at home dad" while kids are preschool?
« Reply #52 on: May 01, 2019, 08:13:00 AM »
following

This is something I'm trying to convince my husband on (he is extremely resistant) .  We are both high earners, so there would be no savings related to child care, in fact our overall savings rate would drop.  The reason I'm pushing for it, is because of quality of life.  with 2 kids, 40+ hours a week and taking care of almost all the house needs (he travels for business), I'm burned out.  I'm not an effective mother, I'm not an effective worker, the house is always a mess, and there is not enough weekend time to catch up on everything.

Good luck! Perhaps you can convince him that itís in his best interest long term for you to not be burned out. Ultimately, you donít need his permission to quit. But it might go over better if he is onboard :)

I read this thread with interest. My wife is more career-motivated than I am. Our 3yo is in Montessori preschool full time. My plan is to RE when she goes into kindergarten, to be the one who spends time with her after school, and to have some time to myself on weekdays. To get chores and projects done on weekdays so evenings and weekends are family time.

"Well that escalated quickly!"

Two days after I posted this, I got laid off (second time in a year).  The nanny also let us know she had a job interview for an office job with benefits.  So we decided I would become a SAHM, let the nanny go, and reevaluate in September when both kids are in pre-school.  Basically use the next few months as a trial run.

I have to say even though I wanted this, I wanted to do it a bit more strategically, but the band-aid has been ripped off, so lets see what happens.

ETA: The nanny also got the job

gatortator

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Re: Become "stay at home dad" while kids are preschool?
« Reply #53 on: May 01, 2019, 11:00:48 AM »

"Well that escalated quickly!"

Two days after I posted this, I got laid off (second time in a year).
ETA: The nanny also got the job

Big hugs to you!

I took a voluntary lay-off from the tech industry back when my kids were 5 and 2.  I was the higher wage earner at the time but also had the greater stress and anxiety.  It felt like a crazy 6months until we all learned our new normal but overall it's been a smoother 5 years.  I love the benefits overall for the stay at home life now but originally never saw myself doing it until I suddenly was.

If you want bullet points for your husband about our experience, let me know (don't want to overload you while you are just starting the decompression).

mm1970

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Re: Become "stay at home dad" while kids are preschool?
« Reply #54 on: May 01, 2019, 01:32:43 PM »
following

This is something I'm trying to convince my husband on (he is extremely resistant) .  We are both high earners, so there would be no savings related to child care, in fact our overall savings rate would drop.  The reason I'm pushing for it, is because of quality of life.  with 2 kids, 40+ hours a week and taking care of almost all the house needs (he travels for business), I'm burned out.  I'm not an effective mother, I'm not an effective worker, the house is always a mess, and there is not enough weekend time to catch up on everything.

Good luck! Perhaps you can convince him that itís in his best interest long term for you to not be burned out. Ultimately, you donít need his permission to quit. But it might go over better if he is onboard :)

I read this thread with interest. My wife is more career-motivated than I am. Our 3yo is in Montessori preschool full time. My plan is to RE when she goes into kindergarten, to be the one who spends time with her after school, and to have some time to myself on weekdays. To get chores and projects done on weekdays so evenings and weekends are family time.

"Well that escalated quickly!"

Two days after I posted this, I got laid off (second time in a year).  The nanny also let us know she had a job interview for an office job with benefits.  So we decided I would become a SAHM, let the nanny go, and reevaluate in September when both kids are in pre-school.  Basically use the next few months as a trial run.

I have to say even though I wanted this, I wanted to do it a bit more strategically, but the band-aid has been ripped off, so lets see what happens.

ETA: The nanny also got the job
Well, good luck!  I don't really want to be a SAHP, but I feel you on dealing with a FT job, 2 kids, and a husband who often travels.  (Not 100% of the time, but there are periods where he's gone a LOT.)

But work sometimes REALLY sucks, and is it horrible that every 2 years when we ALMOST run out of money (I've been here 10 years) that I sorta hope I can get a break?

Quote
The purpose of money is to buy a quality of life. If you can have a better quality of life with less money, then it's the right choice.


And he should stop travelling for business. A man's place is in his home.

I love this Kyle

HumanAfterAll

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Re: Become "stay at home dad" while kids are preschool?
« Reply #55 on: May 02, 2019, 10:39:22 PM »

"Well that escalated quickly!"

Two days after I posted this, I got laid off (second time in a year).  The nanny also let us know she had a job interview for an office job with benefits.  So we decided I would become a SAHM, let the nanny go, and reevaluate in September when both kids are in pre-school.  Basically use the next few months as a trial run.

I have to say even though I wanted this, I wanted to do it a bit more strategically, but the band-aid has been ripped off, so lets see what happens.

ETA: The nanny also got the job

Wow! Such crazy timing. I hope you can enjoy the trial run and decompression!

Luz

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Re: Become "stay at home dad" while kids are preschool?
« Reply #56 on: June 25, 2019, 12:56:06 AM »
The work is repetitive and virtually never done. There's very little in the way of what feels like an "accomplishment" the way professional work does. I have no advice on this, unfortunately.

This part surprises me. I am expecting a parade of satisfying accomplishments. Learn to use the toilet; learn to make a sandwitch; learn to ride a bike; learn to swim; graduate from kindergarten to school, etc. What am I missing?

I feel like staying home was way more meaningful than I expected, because of all the teaching and mentoring involved. I also love repetition and am a total homebody. And crying and whining doesn't get on my nerves, strangely. For many people though, it's mind-numbing, exhausting, and stressful. I think it depends on personality type. Some find it to be a great fit, others not so much.

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Become "stay at home dad" while kids are preschool?
« Reply #57 on: June 25, 2019, 10:27:46 AM »

We are not FIRE but I actually enjoy working when I'm able to do it on my own schedule with plenty of time.

For this reason you should consider continuing on this very good path. You are being very thoughtful, and it seems like you're there for your kids in a great way.

I'm happy (after the fact) for the time I was home full-time, but I think it's even better if you can be co-part-time workers/parents. My wife and I once almost locked down part-time jobs at the same hospital, where we were actually going to be switching off at lunch, and were very excited for it. No daycare, the pay of 1 of us working, but both of us reaping the social, emotional, professional, and retirement benefits, and being with the kids when they needed us!

It was on lock, but we had to turn it down because they didn't give us a start date until 3 months later, and by then I'd accepted a full-time job......the one I reference in this FU Money story (Reply #2735): https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/epic-fu-money-stories/msg2402483/#msg2402483

margep

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Re: Become "stay at home dad" while kids are preschool?
« Reply #58 on: Today at 04:59:49 AM »
Just an update:

Being a stay-at-home parent didn't work out for me. If we were FIRE then I think it would have.

Spending time with the kids all day was a fine lifestyle. But "pausing" a career felt awkward, and it negatively affected our income even after accounting for childcare savings, and switching from two variable incomes to one (freelancers) made income uncomfortably unpredictable.

The new balance we are trying is to have 15-20h of childcare per week so that we can each work 30h per week and have plenty of time with the kids and as a family. This feels more comfortable and like a good path towards life when the kids are in school.

Kudo to you and your wife for being a team on this and for being open to adjustments. It's really a case to case basis--what works for one family might not work for the other. You just gotta find what works for you. Hope you get to find that right balance for your family soon!