I guess I don't care if they're running around outdoors playing, as long as they don't consider my home or front yard to be their territory. When I was in junior high, there was a girl who befriended me for a while just so she could get free rides home from school, from my mom. Her parents never offered gas money or reciprocated by doing favors for us, and never even invited me to their house. Eventually my mom stopped giving her rides. My daughter has a ton of friends already, though, and we don't feel we need to bend over backwards to get friends into her life.
This whole topic is tough for me for a couple of reasons.
1. You could have been talking about me up there. My parents separated/ divorced when I was in 10th grade, and I changed schools in 11th. My mom started her job really early in the morning. She had a car I couldn't drive, no bus service, so I started bumming a ride to school in the dark cold mornings, from a friend and her dad who lived nearby. I could tell, eventually, that he wasn't happy about it and wanted out of it. But I was 16-17 years old, it was the northeast in winter. 1.5 miles doesn't seem so far but it is when it's below freezing. I walked home after school when it was warmer, or walked to the bank where my mom worked and waited.
2. I'm an introvert/ extrovert. Meaning I like people (but not really kids all that much), but I *NEED* down time. My 11 year old is a social butterfly. Seriously this kid LIVES on playdates. And playdates are a PITA. We tell the 5 yo that he has to plan ahead (and at his age, he does).
So, his bed bud (a girl) lives across the street. We carpool to school. We are good friends. The vast majority of the time, he invites her over. But she doesn't always come alone, she has 2 younger sisters.
It's a balance, for me - yes, they are loud. My house is small. They make a mess. They eat a lot (I buy tortillas and cheese at Costco). And I need quiet time. So sometimes, the answer is "no, not today". Rarely do they come over after school - that's homework and family time, no exceptions unless it's the summer. On the weekend, it's only a single day. He is almost NEVER at their house because their mom doesn't like it. She needs space.
I have to be direct though.
- No, today is not a good day
- Next time call ahead and plan a time
- He's welcome to come to your house this time
- Oh, you are hungry? Then you should go home to eat.
- "What's for lunch?" "Mac and cheese". "I don't want that." "Well, that's all there is. Or an apple."
Part of me LIKES being "that house" where kids feel comfortable. I grew up "free range" but in a rural area where there were no kids my age. So there was no hanging out with other people, just running through the woods and riding my bike.
However I live by my schedule. It's a rare occasion where people can just show up and I'd be okay with it. Mostly because that's my preference. A lot of other people don't schedule, and that's there preference. To be honest, with 2 year old twins I'd simply say "no" a lot. When my younger kid was smaller, I much preferred playdates at other people's houses.
Anyway, as most others said, set boundaries, say no, and be consistent. That's all you can really do. And opening the door and saying "no" is more effective, long term, than ignoring the door.