Adult Children Living at Home

[RunningWithScissors]

Short version:  what are your expectations of adult children (18+ years old, finished school) who live with you?  How do you negotiate chores/rent in an appropriate way?

Long version:  My husband had custody of both of his kids after his divorce 6 years ago, then the eldest moved out just around the time I arrived on the scene five years ago (purely coincidental timing, of course!).  My step-daughter (SD) moved in with her mom about two years ago when her mom had exhausted the divorce pay-out and couldn't pay her bills then decided to play the guilt/manipulation card.  So, hubby and I have been dutifully paying the ex child support.  We've recently found out that although SD is a minor child, and in high school full-time, her mom has been getting her to pay 'her share' of the rent/food/phone bills on top of the child support payments from her part time jobs (one of which is from my husband's business).   Needless to say, we are not amused. 

We've had a few recent conversations with SD and have found her mom has been feeding her misinformation about numerous things i.e. 'Your Dad left me with nothing!' and 'You owe me this money because child support is for the parent!'.  And, as a hoarder, she's racked up $50K in credit card debt and purchased a brand new import car.  SD is now looking to move back in with us, but is struggling to break away from mommy dearest, who is well versed in the full range of manipulative behaviors from tears ('I'll kill myself if you go!') to threats ('Don't you dare think of leaving me!'.).  Yes, bio-mom has major issues - but that's another story.

SD is turning 18 shortly, but won't finish high school until June this year.  She hasn't enrolled in any post-secondary program so technically we would be stopping child support then.  Bio-mom has already expressed her intention to have SD pay a full half of all expenses, which are substantial due to her spending habits, when child support ends.

So, what's the issue, you may ask...just have SD move home with us.  No problem.  Well, the complication of this story is that SD has a long-term, committed, and very mature relationship with her boyfriend whose family is moving to another city when high school ends.  The kids have been essentially living together over at bio-mom's house for months and are inseparable.  Bringing SD home would mean having two young adults in our home, only one of which would be in post-secondary.  The kids haven't broached this idea with his parents yet and clearly hubby and I will need to have conversations with his parents to sort this out.  We have no problems with the idea of boyfriend living with us - he's a great kid who we consider like a son to us.

We're in the process of coming up with some ground rules for this new arrangement, to clarify expectations and responsibilities for everyone.  In general, we don't believe in letting kids stay at home for free if they're not in school but we want to allow them the ability to save for the next steps in their lives and develop life skills.  I thought I would see what the MMM community would suggest and what pitfalls could be avoided.

In the interest of brevity, not all details are here so let me know if you need more info.

[mm1970]

Back in the dark ages (the 80s) the boyfriend thing would have been a non-starter.  But my parents required my sisters to pay rent of $25 a week.

Chores did not really change.  They were expected to keep the room clean and help with cooking, dishes, laundry, and cleaning already.  You know we took turns setting the table, doing dishes, etc.

So, $25 a week.  that's about $100 a month.  Minimum wage back then was $3.35 an hour, so a little less than 20% of their income was going to rent.  I don't think they had to pay for food.

But I might also require them to pay for food, or just increase the rent cost a bit.  Teenage boys can eat.

[Kitsunegari]

I'd say charge them a reduced rent (and enforce it!) and a share of the bills, keep track of how much they give you, then gift it back to SD when she moves out/buys a house.

[galliver]

IIRC, my friend's parents did that for her and her bf, but when she was in grad school and he was finishing college. They stayed in her childhood bedroom and lived rent free but helped with chores/errands/her much younger siblings. After a year or two, he graduated, got a teaching job, and they got an apartment. A few years later she got her doctorate in psychology and a good job and now they're married.

While setting out expectations is generally a good idea, avoid sounding rigid or punitive or like you expect the worst of them. They sound like good people dealt a bad hand (the ex/mom), and I bet they'll step up and be proactive about getting their lives on track. If not, *then*worry about motivating them more strictly. But I don't think you should charge rent if (a) you can afford their presence (if you really need their contribution, do it) and (b) he's taking out any school loans, or having trouble covering tuition. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect their PT jobs to cover their own expected and occasional household needs (picking up tp or making a grocery run and prepping dinner occasionally, per their income).

Basically, if you want to help, HELP. Don't nickel and dime them and stress them out. If you see them being wasteful, maybe do a rent-> forced savings thing. But really depends on the situation; if they are largely responsible, don't meddle unnecessarily.

[merula]

In general, we don't believe in letting kids stay at home for free if they're not in school but we want to allow them the ability to save for the next steps in their lives and develop life skills.

I think this is the key, and I'm not sure I fully understand why you're differentiating between high school and post-secondary. Both are school to me.

Putting yourself in your step-daughter's shoes, what would you want to know moving in? What the terms are and under what circumstances they'll change, right? So here's my suggestion of your terms, do with it what you will.

1. Rent is free for those in school. Rent is free over the summer if you take summer classes or if you have a summer job and are enrolled for the next fall.

2. Parents will buy and serve food, but will not take special requests. Any special foods ("Dad can you please pick up some super special Brand Name cookies?") will be paid for by the requester.

3. Chores are expected to be done. (Clean up after yourself, do dishes when you eat with us, mow the lawn twice a month, whatever you want to say but be specific.)

4. If you're no longer in school, rent will be $X, and you'll also need to pay 10% of all utility and grocery bills.

5. If you don't get a summer job, you can work off your rent/utilities/grocery bills by doing extra chores like: A, B and C.

6. The following will not be paid for by parents at all: cell phone bill, personal entertainment expenses, clothing.

[mxt0133]

I thought I was pretty progressive parent, but there is no way I'm letting my daughter live with a boyfriend under my roof, she's 7 months right now so I have a few years until she can potentially bring a boy home, but still.

My personal thoughts on this are if the kids think they are adult enough to live on their own, then they are adult enough to support themselves unsubsidised.  I personally lived at home until I was 27, but I followed house rules and contributed even though it was never asked of me.  I was done with school and working full-time but just never had the urge to move out as it seemed uneconomical having a whole place to myself, when I was hardly ever home.

I guess it's up to you if you are personally comfortable with two teenages, sorry I wouldn't condsider them adults yet, living with you.  They might be great kids but introducing an teenage kids into a household is a pretty big deal, especially if one is not a blood relative.

[TrMama]

I thought I was pretty progressive parent, but there is no way I'm letting my daughter live with a boyfriend under my roof, she's 7 months right now so I have a few years until she can potentially bring a boy home, but still.

My personal thoughts on this are if the kids think they are adult enough to live on their own, then they are adult enough to support themselves unsubsidised.  I personally lived at home until I was 27, but I followed house rules and contributed even though it was never asked of me.  I was done with school and working full-time but just never had the urge to move out as it seemed uneconomical having a whole place to myself, when I was hardly ever home.

I guess it's up to you if you are personally comfortable with two teenages, sorry I wouldn't condsider them adults yet, living with you.  They might be great kids but introducing an teenage kids into a household is a pretty big deal, especially if one is not a blood relative.

I'm also pretty conservative with my kids, but let's look at the theoretical alternatives for this young lady. She's 18 and does't even have a high school education yet. Her mother has been charging her money for basic living expenses for several years which will have limited her ability to save her own money to fund start up costs or pay for tuition. Plus, she's likely been getting some pretty screwy financial messages from her mom, due to mom's spending habits. This ignores the screwy psychological messages she's been getting from mom based on mom's mental illness. Frankly, this kid has been expending a significant amount of energy just to survive. Let's cut her some slack.

Despite this, the daughter seems to have a stable relationship with a great young man. Presumably, not the kind of guy who'll mooch off her, get her pregnant and then leave. Frankly, I'd be thrilled if either one of my daughter's has a relationship like that so early on in their life. If the daughter moves into an apartment with this man and without parental support, she'll be making minimum wage and will struggle to ever get into school and rise above that. Yes, people do it, but realistically they're not the norm.

If she lives at home with her father and step-mom, she'll have a significant safety net to take some risks (like go to school) and the time she needs to figure out where to go from here. Most importantly, her dad and step-mom will be able to model healthy financial and life habits for her, plus give her more overt direction. The end result is more likely be a happy, functional, self-supporting adult.

[RunningWithScissors]

Thanks for all the replies and insight everyone - keep the comments coming.

Just wanted to point out that part of our struggle in deciding contribution requirements, be it rent and/or chores, is that the kids will be in different circumstances in September.  While they're both finishing their final year of high school now, SD wants to take a year off to decide on a career while her boyfriend will be enrolled in a four year Bachelor degree program in Psychology.  I spent nine years myself doing post-secondary schooling and know how challenging it is to study full-time while paying bills.  Having them stay here with us will certain help them, but we do want to encourage her to commit to a program of studies for a future career, whatever that may be.  However, simply going to university for the sake of going, is an expensive and sometimes pointless exercise. 

And over the last two years, we've seen SD pick up some beliefs and habits from bio-mom, yet she's had the chance to compare the divergent paths of her parents since the separation. Despite bio-mom's significant educational advantage, she's struggling to support herself while my husband has built a very successful career.  Even our homes are wildly different, from Mom's hoarder decor in a moldly apartment to our minimalist but comfortable house.  Despite living with bio-mom, it's not uncommon to have her and/or boyfriend over here five days a week, so clearly they're comfortable here.  Over the last few months during family dinners or epic group video game tournaments, we've had many frank, open discussions about every topic imaginable - enough to convince us that both of these youngsters are smart, mature, capable and are making good decisions. 

Bottom line is, both hubby and I feel it would be better for his daughter to get away from living with bio-mom, although we want her to continue to have a relationship with her mom.  Boyfriend is a bit more challenging, but he has stated unequivocally that he will not live with his parents after the summer when he turns eighteen.  Having him live on his own doesn't seem ideal as we can offer more support/guidance.  I do appreciate the comments about our 'progressive' acceptance of this situation - a more traditional approach would have been our preference, but to pretend that these two haven't already established a full relationship would be disingenuous at this point.

Five years ago, I was a forty-something, child-free, never married career woman....can't believe how life can change!  Wah!

[BPA]

I actually wouldn't mind at all if one of my children were in a mature, healthy relationship and circumstances like these meant that a boyfriend or girlfriend might need or want to live with me.

However, there are things to consider like:
1.  You would be saving his parents some cash, so maybe they could ante that up as room and board.
2.  You should probably have an agreed to fallback plan if the relationship fails. 

Good luck!

[lifejoy]

Pick up a copy of "Money Talks" by Gail Vaz-Oxlade. I'm reading it now and it addresses these very issues! One tip from her is to charge adult children 35% of their salary for housing. Gail suggests that you do adult children a disservice by letting them live at home for free, because when they do move out, they spend with the same habits in place despite the fact their disposable income has decreased. Food for thought!


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[RunningWithScissors]

Lifejoy - hubby and I are both huge Gail fans (aka The Jar Lady).  Your comment is exactly why I feel that a financial contribution is necessary if an adult child is working - i.e don't let them get used to high levels of discretionary spending.  So - is the book worth buying?  Gail will be in our city next week for a book signing and we're debating whether we should pony up for the book for an autograph. 

For now, we're just going to let things ride.  If boyfriend does become part of our household, then we'll chat with his parents about their ideas and possible support, health care, etc.

[former player]

My view is that your step-daughter is entitled to free food and housing until she turns 18 or leaves school, whichever is the later.  After that, I would offer a reduced-from-market-rate rent, on the condition that she is doing something constructive - which could be education, could be work, could be a regular volunteering gig, could be training to be a professional athlete, or anything else constructive.   She would need to clean up after herself and do her own laundry.   I would offer free food provided she contributed to the shopping, cooking and clearing up.

The boyfriend is more difficult.  But it seems to me that in the situation you outline you should probably offer him the same deal, as the two of them seem to come in a single package.

[CindyBS]

I would recommend some sort of grace period since a portion of her high school years earning were going to mom, meaning she had limited ability to save that money.  But, I definitely support charging rent if not in school.

Another question I thought of is what happens if she and the boyfriend break up and he refuses to move out?  Would you have to evict him?  I'm not sure on the answer, but he may have housing rights by moving in with you.  Perhaps a written lease is in order for him?

[LiveLean]

We've lived in the same home 16.5 years, a period that has taken us from 30-year-olds with no kids to middle aged folks with boys 13 and 10. We moved in the same month as a family next door with a 14-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter. When the girl was 16 or so, I couldn't help but notice (I'm a very early riser) that the boyfriend's truck was in the driveway most every morning.

I mentioned it to the dad matter of factly. "Yeah," he sighed. "We figure since they're going to sleep together anyway, they might as well be safe."

Maybe I'm old school at the age of 46. But no freakin' way. No way never. Not at 16, 18, or unmarried at 30.

[BPA]

We've lived in the same home 16.5 years, a period that has taken us from 30-year-olds with no kids to middle aged folks with boys 13 and 10. We moved in the same month as a family next door with a 14-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter. When the girl was 16 or so, I couldn't help but notice (I'm a very early riser) that the boyfriend's truck was in the driveway most every morning.

I mentioned it to the dad matter of factly. "Yeah," he sighed. "We figure since they're going to sleep together anyway, they might as well be safe."

Maybe I'm old school at the age of 46. But no freakin' way. No way never. Not at 16, 18, or unmarried at 30.

It's odd that you felt you could ask your neighbour about that especially with the moral judgment.  Seems rather Gladys Kravitz. I'd be telling you to mind your own business.

I've never been married but I've had a lot of sex.  I've rarely slept overnight at a partner's parent's place, but if they judged me like this, I'd be judging them back.  There are many ways for people to be good people. 

[TrMama]

We've lived in the same home 16.5 years, a period that has taken us from 30-year-olds with no kids to middle aged folks with boys 13 and 10. We moved in the same month as a family next door with a 14-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter. When the girl was 16 or so, I couldn't help but notice (I'm a very early riser) that the boyfriend's truck was in the driveway most every morning.

I mentioned it to the dad matter of factly. "Yeah," he sighed. "We figure since they're going to sleep together anyway, they might as well be safe."

Maybe I'm old school at the age of 46. But no freakin' way. No way never. Not at 16, 18, or unmarried at 30.

My comment is totally off topic, but when I was pregnant with my second child we moved to Quebec. I didn't really realize at the time, but the attitude towards teenage sex there is extremely liberal.

I vividly remember sitting in the OB's waiting room one afternoon and reading a magazine from their stash. I think it was the French language version of Chatalaine or Good Housekeeping (aka a bland generic women's magazine). The article I read was all about making sure your teen's first sexual relationship was an emotionally healthy one. Tips included, providing a safe, non-judgmental space for physical relations. AKA a cozy bedroom in the family home with a lock on the door. You were also supposed to advise your kid on how to select a compatible partner, how to be a considerate lover and then advise them on how to end the relationship gracefully when the time came. It. blew. my. mind.

Ever since, I've been much more cognizant of how silly the current "never, ever have sex" attitude of English Canada and the US is. Just like finances, or cooking, or whatever, it seems so much saner for parents to provide some instruction and then a safe, supportive place for kids to try out the new skill before sending them out into the real world.

[Cassie]

A friend of mine found herself in a similar position. She did let the boyfriend move in which at the time I thought was a mistake but kept that to myself. Well it went well and a year later her daughter was diagnosed with a serious liver problem and the boyfriend helped the family care for her.  When she had to move to another state for a transplant the boyfriend quit his job and went with her and her parents supported them both. This allowed my friend to keep working and fly out for visits. Unfortunately, she died right after the transplant and the boyfriend came back to live with them until he could get his life back, with job etc.  Sometimes doing things unconventionally works out well for everyone.

[AZDude]

If taking full load of collegiate level classes or some other equivalent training, then no rent, just the expectation of taking care of yourself and helping with household chores. Otherwise, a non-trivial token amount for rent. Something $200 a month, along with the same expectation of taking care of yourself and helping with the household chores.

More than that though, if there is no college in SD future, then there needs to be an "exit strategy" for the two lovebirds. Make some goals , like make $X amount per month regularly with $X amount saved before moving out. You don't want them to get comfortable and become bums. Make sure the SD has her own savings and plans independent from the BF, after all, these are 18 year olds and chances are good they are not spending the rest of their lives together.

Which brings up a complication. With his family moving away, if things go south, the BF will have nowhere to go and no family to support him.

[mm1970]

We've lived in the same home 16.5 years, a period that has taken us from 30-year-olds with no kids to middle aged folks with boys 13 and 10. We moved in the same month as a family next door with a 14-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter. When the girl was 16 or so, I couldn't help but notice (I'm a very early riser) that the boyfriend's truck was in the driveway most every morning.

I mentioned it to the dad matter of factly. "Yeah," he sighed. "We figure since they're going to sleep together anyway, they might as well be safe."

Maybe I'm old school at the age of 46. But no freakin' way. No way never. Not at 16, 18, or unmarried at 30.

It's odd that you felt you could ask your neighbour about that especially with the moral judgment.  Seems rather Gladys Kravitz. I'd be telling you to mind your own business.

I've never been married but I've had a lot of sex.  I've rarely slept overnight at a partner's parent's place, but if they judged me like this, I'd be judging them back.  There are many ways for people to be good people.

16 seems a bit young for me, mainly because of the whole legal issue.

But 18 is a consenting adult.

I'm 45 (almost same age as LiveLean).  My mom allowed me to share a room with my college boyfriend when we were visiting.  She may not have felt all that comfy with it but...it's not like she didn't have premarital sex either.

I haven't had sex with "lots and lots" of people (started late, met my husband early), but I certainly wouldn't expect anyone, really, to save themselves for marriage.  And I can't imagine not letting my boys' girlfriends stay over, after the age of consent.

Maybe I'll change my mind when they are closer to the age of consent.  I can't imagine that my son's hypothetical future girlfriend would want to sleep in the top bunk with him if his 16 yo brother is in the bottom bunk (my boys are 6 years apart).

[midweststache]

A few thoughts/questions. I don't have good answers to the questions, but they're things that popped up as I was reading your post/other comments:

1. As someone who works with young adults (anywhere from 16-25), I would definitely have an exit plan for if the relationship goes south. I would have a plan for if the relationship even gets strained--with both parties living with you, that tension could effect the whole household. Kids change and grown in unforeseeable ways.
2. [Things happen, and someone has to say it, so I'm just gonna] How would the situation (rent, living situation, etc.) change if your daughter gets pregnant? Have you/husband talked about this possibility at all?
3. If you don't *need* the money from the two, would it be possible to ask them to pay it (to teach them COL, as other commenters have said) but to put that money away as a potential nest egg/school expenses for the two? Then, if they split, you can split the nest egg 50/50, or according to how each of them have been paying? This way, they still have the experience of paying rent/utilities, but you're also able to set them up in a better financial place once they do move on?

[RunningWithScissors]

Midweststache - great questions and exactly what we're grappling with.  I agree that with a 'third party' there needs to be a formal agreement.  Another poster mentioned an eviction process if the relationship goes south, but there's also the need to treat him fairly in that circumstance, particularly since his family would be in another city.  We have another apartment in the basement that could be used as temporary accommodation should he need 30 days to find alternate living arrangements. 

An unplanned pregnancy is one of our frequent topics of conversation among all four of us (I did mention that we talk about EVERYTHING, didn't I?).  Neither of them have any interest in having kids and have taken multiple measures to ensure that doesn't happen.  They know that they will not be financially supported nor be living with us with a child and will have the responsibility and choice to decide what happens in that unlikely event. 

And finally, the idea of charging rent but building them a nest egg is something we'll likely do.  Since my stepdaughter started earning money at 14, we've had a joint bank account with her and have enforced 'involuntary savings' which we are now turning over to her for post-secondary school costs.  Even a small amount of rent and a share of the food (a teenaged boy - egad!) might encourage them to realize that they're young adults and no longer kids.  Having said that, they are both extremely responsible with money and indeed qualify as Mini-mustaches.

Other issues to sort out are medical/dental costs for the boyfriend and the issue of emergency authorization of care (should it be needed) and use of the car.  Not sure if the medical issue will require written authorization from the parents once he's over 18 or if he would still have medical coverage through them. 

[merula]

Other issues to sort out are medical/dental costs for the boyfriend and the issue of emergency authorization of care (should it be needed) and use of the car.  Not sure if the medical issue will require written authorization from the parents once he's over 18 or if he would still have medical coverage through them.

Assuming you're in the US, he'll be able to be on his parents' health insurance even if he's not living with them up to age 26. Copays and stuff like that I would say his pants should part, but that's me.

I do think a medical authorization would be a good thing even after he's 18. If he's not able to make his own decisions, are you going to be able to get in touch with his parents soon enough? When she's 18, your daughter could be his decision-maker, which he'd probably prefer.

[Student loan stomper]

I would set found rules, but depending on how much they are bringing in I might set up rules like: The two of you will set up a budget and save x amount (as opposed to rent), I would also have your SD read the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. (Or other similar book if you are not Christians) and have her show (not detailed so you can read, but just that she has done the work book part).  this type of assignment could also be good for other things you think they should read.  Additionally, while she is not in school you could give her some assignments like read about x number of careers and write a summary including your thoughts as to if you think this would be something you are interested in.  Also ask her to start thinking about what problems she would like to solve and help her think of careers or things she needs to learn to work toward those goals.

I would really focus on helping your SD develop heathy habits and personal self care for a good year before making school the deciding factor in paying rent.  In addition to paying her mom she may feel kind of responsible for her in a way, helping her to learn healthy boundaries may be something she needs. 

Also, I would have her and her BF keep finances in separate accounts.  My brother's girlfriend lived with him at my parents house and they thought they would get married.  They opened an account together to save and she ran off with it....

I would also talk with both kids about their birth control plan and what happens if baby comes, just make sure this is in an "we care about you and want you to be happy and successful" sort of way rather than a "do you really know what you are doing" sort of way. 

I would talk to the BF, he may be having to pay.his own copays etc... Even if he is on parents HI.

Good luck!

[LiveLean]

We've lived in the same home 16.5 years, a period that has taken us from 30-year-olds with no kids to middle aged folks with boys 13 and 10. We moved in the same month as a family next door with a 14-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter. When the girl was 16 or so, I couldn't help but notice (I'm a very early riser) that the boyfriend's truck was in the driveway most every morning.

I mentioned it to the dad matter of factly. "Yeah," he sighed. "We figure since they're going to sleep together anyway, they might as well be safe."

Maybe I'm old school at the age of 46. But no freakin' way. No way never. Not at 16, 18, or unmarried at 30.

It's odd that you felt you could ask your neighbour about that especially with the moral judgment.  Seems rather Gladys Kravitz. I'd be telling you to mind your own business.

I've never been married but I've had a lot of sex.  I've rarely slept overnight at a partner's parent's place, but if they judged me like this, I'd be judging them back.  There are many ways for people to be good people.

Then go ahead and call me Gladys. I mentioned it on the off chance that he didn't know. If I had a 16-year-old daughter -- actually this started when she was 15 -- and some dude's truck was in my driveway many mornings. I sure as hell would want to know. And since my neighbor is a doctor who works crazy hours, there was a possibility he didn't know.

When he and his wife went away at one point and his teenage son threw a party that started the Friday of Memorial Day and went round-the-clock, I called his (dad's) cell at 2 a.m. on Sunday. He thanked me and 20 minutes later the cars left. Otherwise it would have continued well into Monday.

[lifejoy]

Lifejoy - hubby and I are both huge Gail fans (aka The Jar Lady).  Your comment is exactly why I feel that a financial contribution is necessary if an adult child is working - i.e don't let them get used to high levels of discretionary spending.  So - is the book worth buying?  Gail will be in our city next week for a book signing and we're debating whether we should pony up for the book for an autograph. 

For now, we're just going to let things ride.  If boyfriend does become part of our household, then we'll chat with his parents about their ideas and possible support, health care, etc.

The book is on sale at indigo. Under $20 and meeting Gail was awesome! I definitely recommend it! :)


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[cbgg]

I don't have personal experience with this sort of arrangement, but here are some ideas that you might like, all based on the idea that you will be charging some level of rent:

1) Charge rent, but then put all of that rent aside in a savings account for them (this could be a surprise or an agreed upon part of the deal).  Give them the money from the account when they move out or when they are putting together a downpayment for their first place.

2) Charge rent, but give a grace period to get on their feet with a job before it starts.  For example, give 3-6 months rent free after school ends.

3) Charge a reduced rent in exchange for household work.

In all cases, I think it would be good for you guys to have a really good talk with your SD about why you chose to charge her rent to live in her father's house.  After she spent her teen years being coerced into paying rent by her blood sucking mom she may have some mental baggage about money.  Getting that worked out (if it exists) is probably one of the best things you could do to put her on a financially sound path in the future.

[dilinger]

I don't have personal experience with this sort of arrangement, but here are some ideas that you might like, all based on the idea that you will be charging some level of rent:

1) Charge rent, but then put all of that rent aside in a savings account for them (this could be a surprise or an agreed upon part of the deal).  Give them the money from the account when they move out or when they are putting together a downpayment for their first place.

This is pretty much what I was going to suggest, but instead of putting it in a savings account: put it in a vanguard account in index funds.  I wouldn't tell them about it.  Give it 5-10 years, and then gift it to her on some special occasion (wedding, college graduation, etc).  This establishes two things: 1) a nice monetary gift, and 2) a great savings example for her.  She can see exactly how much money went into the fund, and how it grew over 5-10 years by doing absolutely nothing - a pretty convincing argument to continue adding to it!

I personally wouldn't sweat the whole sleeping together thing, but then again I don't think much of marriage.  I lived with my wife for 5 years before we got married, and the only reason we got married was because we planned to have a child and wanted to make sure custody stuff wasn't complicated.

[Sibley]

I highly recommend that the poor girl read Captain Awesome's blog/advice website. Large portions of it in fact, and then there's some books recommended there she'll probably want to read. And she'll probably need therapy. Poor kid.

[Shinplaster]

I didn't have the boyfriend situation, but I quit university before I had my degree.  I just couldn't see where I was going or what I would do with said degree. As long as I was in school, I lived rent free, but if I wasn't in school, Dad felt I should pay rent.  I lined up full time work, and starting from my first pay cheque, paid my parents 25% of my salary.  I also was in charge of cooking dinner once a week - always my choice what it would be, but I had to put any ingredients needed on the grocery list in advance so Mom could pick them up on a regular grocery run.  It taught me to pay my way, and to cook, both needed adult skills.  I didn't resent paying rent - I didn't want to be a leech, or a burden.   I was also responsible for all costs associated with my car, and clothing.  Shampoo, toothpaste, etc. was covered by my parents.

2 years later, I went back to school, totally self-financed.  My parents presented me with a cheque that represented almost all of the rent I had paid (Dad said he took a little for groceries.  : D)  This paid for my residence first year, and was a huge, and welcome, surprise.   If we had ever found ourselves in the same situation with our son, I would have done the same.  You don't value what you don't pay for, and even minimal rent is a step towards adulthood.   I think others have given great advice about the boyfriend situation.  Make sure you have a plan, and discuss it until you are sure there are no misunderstandings or assumptions on either side.

[BFGirl]

I haven't read every response on here, but here is how I am handling my adult children.

I pay all the bills, including car insurance and cell phones for myself and my children (aged 21 and 18-still in high school).

If they go to college, bio dad will pay tuition, books and fees.

My daughter dropped out of school about a year ago and wanted to come up with a "plan".  I told her that was fine, but she needed to contribute financially if she isn't going to school.  Made her get 2 part time jobs.  Set her contribution at $X and told her if she goes back to school part time it will be 1/2 of $X and if she goes back full time, it will be $0.

Also told her if she doesn't want to help with chores, she can find her own place.  I have also told her that she will not be living with me indefinitely and needs to work towards becoming self supporting.

Edit:  I'm in a rush, so this sounds blunt and harsh, but I'm giving her a good deal of cushioning in her transition to adulthood.  She is fortunate that she has money from her grandparents (which she hasn't touched), so I don't feel bad making her pay part of her way.

[Goldielocks]

Normally, I am a huge fan of adult children paying partial rent if they are not in FT school.  This is to help them "step into" a full rent on their own and a full adult life.

BUT,

OP -- your step daughter already knows about rent and such from the horrible situation she was in.  I would be tempted to give her a break.  The BF complicates it though.  As long as you are ok with it, here is my outsider advice:

1. Charge for full food and utilities, plus a nominal rent for BF.  Perhaps $200 per month of "rent" for BF, and $250 each for food and utilities?    That should still be very reasonable for BF.   

2. Let SD know that you will save that $250 of "food / utilities" that is her amount and return it to her in one year. 

3. After a year, the rent increases to market rates, for both -- eg $500 for a room, plus food and utilities unless she is in school.   

The money will be enough to make a Deposit on a place of her own to rent, or to help fund insurance for a car, or whatever.   It ensures that the money is not "blown" on cell phones and eating out, like forced savings, but helps her out, too.

[iris lily]

Here's the thing  that leaps out at me: this young woman is in deep with a boy, and now her parents aren't supporting her in an out. He is going to live  in her house, he is going to be there every day. She has a "mature" relationship with him. Yeah, until she doesnt.

What happens if she starts to think he's not The One after all? How can she possibly pull back and revaluate while he is there every day, staring at her at the breakfast table? Her parents are so impr ssed with him!  Is she really so "mature" that she can find strength and self possession to do that,when her entire support system is about keeping them together?

I just think this is a real burdon on a young woman.

Perhaps she really is amture enough tomhandle this, only her parents would know. But the money thing is som ery secondary, to b

[RunningWithScissors]

Just thought I'd resurrect this discussion with an update. 

The kids have moved into the upstairs 'apartment', each pays rent + share of utilities and are responsible for a share of household chores.  Both have jobs with nearly full time hours which can transition to part-time when they return to post-secondary in January.  When they moved in, we shared a standard lease form with them, asked them to read it, then explained the 12 pages of legalese.  We wrote up a simplified version of 2.5 pages and had them sign their own copy.  So far, there's been no problems with payments or help with chores.

My step-daughter toyed with the idea of buying a car as she's a bit intimidated by our car's stick shift, but my husband and I sat down with her to explain that she would be responsible for 100% of all the related costs.  After reflecting on it, she's decided to stick with walking and public transit.  (Yay!).  We've also chatted with her about what happens if the relationship with her boyfriend goes south.  It's her call, and no different than if she was living with him outside our home.

We're still feeling our way through what expenses we as parents should still be responsible for (i.e. dental, medical) and what is hers (new laptop, fancy cosmetics).  She's still saving most of what she earns.  She's also managed to take over the modest trust fund account that her Mom controlled since the divorce, so there is money for further education.  Right now, her biggest challenge is learning to share space with her boyfriend and the art of compromise:  'Boys are so messy!'. 

Thanks all for your earlier comments.

[erutio]

I didn't comment earlier but remember lurking on this thread.  Thanks for the update.

What did your SD ultimately decide on for school.?

[sisto]

My kids are grown and out of the house so I don't lurk over here, but something brought me here today to look around and I really enjoyed reading the thread and all of the suggestions. Something I've done with friends I've helped is to charge just under what they would be paying elsewhere, but have a number set of what you need or are willing to except. You then put the difference in another account. There are 2 reasons behind this, 1 they are learning to live in the real world having to pay a fair amount, 2, you've now saved up a chunk of money that you can return to them at a later date for the down payment of their own place.

[RunningWithScissors]

Erutio - she's enrolled in a series of workshops rather than full time education in her chosen field (both are legit routes), which start in January.  Boyfriend is wrapping up some prerequisites for university via correspondence, which he's enrolled in in January.  Both are working about 30 hrs/week.  He's talking about wanting to attend university out of province starting next week, which she's adamantly against.  We shall see!

Overall, things are working out well.  There have been a few bumps and a few discussions ('Hey guys - eating 2kg of chocolate chips in a month is not cool.  And no, I will not be buying you more.').

The most interesting development has been our realization that her boss is paying her a flat rate ($/hr) but isn't doing any of the required deductions for pension, employment insurance, income tax etc.   We had to sit her down and show her applicable labour laws so she would realize the legal and financial implications, but she's reluctant to take action as she wants a good reference.  I'm debating making a phone call to taxation office myself....hmmm....