Accepting Non-DIY Help? Mustachian dilemma.

[Shooter_D]

My fiance and I just bought our first home. It was built in 1948 and was owned by one couple until we bought it this winter. The home is a 1.5 storey, 3 br 2 bath home. Every wall is pretty much covered in wallpaper and there are 1 to 3 layers of paper. Our first DIY job was going to be to remove the wallpaper and paint in the living room, bedroom and kitchen. We have removed most of the wallpaper in the living room so far, and it was a big job, but also satisfying to complete on our own. We honed our effort on the living room because it is a big job and we haven't had as much time to work on it as originally thought. We have done what we have to date before we moved in. Now that we have moved in things are a bit more congested. We also have to do some thorough cleaning at our old apartment which will take away from our time to settle in/renovate the new house. My fiance and I are okay at the moment doing these things in stride and getting settled in slowly.

Now, I have a very helpful and financially comfortable family. They are not that interested in DIY (though probably were when they were a bit more fit and energetic) and they have trouble with the fact that this work we have to do will take us a lot of time and will probably lead to us being less comfortable in our home for a longer period of time. There have been multiple pushes for us to get quotes, and hire a painter to remove wallpaper, patch walls and paint. My fiance and I have been resisting and have put in the effort to remove most of the wallpaper in the one room, and soon we would like to try our hands at skim coating the ripped drywall bits, and ultimately painting and putting back up the trim and molding. Recently, pressure from the family has been mounting... My mom and aunt are prepared to pay for a painter to come in to remove wallpaper and paint the living room and kitchen as a housewarming gift. Mom insists there will be plenty of other DIY work for us to do around the rest of the house. This is true, but I think the satisfaction that comes from learning these new drywall skim coat and painting skills (we are now pro wallpaper removers) would be awesome. Fiance and I both work full time. That being said, I don't mind working on these sorts of things in the evenings. Also, fiance and I spent the whole of this past weekend moving to the house ourselves from our 3-floor walk-up apartment. It was pretty grueling but we did it ourselves and feel good about it.

TL;DR: This was a long story, but in short, would you push to learn new skills and have the satisfaction of doing it yourself, or accept a kind offer of a gift that would pay for the work that would take you weeks to complete to have a professional do it in days? Since someone else is paying, it seems Mustachian, but skips the whole learn-stuff-and-be-a-badass part.

[Frankies Girl]

I see a bigger picture issue here; how do you both really feel about the gift aspect of this? And how do you both feel about relatives insisting on gifting you something you both sound like you don't really want?

Because from your post, it sounds like even though it has been hard work and is going to take you longer, you want to proceed with the DIY part. If that is the case, then politely but FIRMLY tell the relatives thank you for the offer, but we are not interested in taking you up on it. And ask them if they want to give you a housewarming gift, cash is probably going to be best (but not in a hands out kind of way, if you know what I mean - if they insist they must do something, then ask if a small amount of cash is okay, otherwise, whatever they feel comfortable with doing like a houseplant or something...)

You sound like you're young and as you're not married yet, you need to establish firm boundaries with relatives now to avoid issues cropping up down the road. You also need to be concerned for how your partner's wants/needs are treated by your family (and how yours are treated by hers). Not saying that you can't have a loving and close relationship with family, but your mom and aunt are still insisting and ignoring your wishes about what you do with your own house... that's got to be nipped (firmly/politely) in the bud now.

You are an adult, a home owner and about to get married. Don't let anyone bully you or your spouse into doing things you don't want to do. And no, you do not owe anyone and explanation other than "No, because it's our house and we're going to do it our way."

If you both do want to take them up on the offer, then thank them and proceed, but do let them know you'd be proceeding with choices that you and fiancee are going to make and they will not have a say in paint colors or any such stuff. That's the other aspect you'll need to be aware of; once you let someone else pay, they feel (sometimes rightly) that they have a right to decide on aspects of how the money is used. So you lose some of your choice/independence and also have to compromise sometimes.

[lthenderson]

I would thank them for their generosity but politely tell them you really enjoy working on your own house and doing things exactly the way you desire instead of relying on contractors. If they really would like to help out, perhaps they could buy item/furniture (X) for the house.

I have had lots of contractors over the years do work on my house for jobs above my pay grade or that needed to get done in a more timely fashion. Most of the time the experience has been great but a number of times I've had problems with the contractors. They either did a poor job or did it in a fashion that I didn't like. I am a big believer in the saying that if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself.

[AZDude]

Ask them instead to help buy the paint and painting supplies? Or even come help paint if they become really insistent since they will probably disappear around the time manual labor is expected.

[Shooter_D]

Thanks very much for the replies!

You sound like you're young and as you're not married yet, you need to establish firm boundaries with relatives now to avoid issues cropping up down the road. You also need to be concerned for how your partner's wants/needs are treated by your family (and how yours are treated by hers). Not saying that you can't have a loving and close relationship with family, but your mom and aunt are still insisting and ignoring your wishes about what you do with your own house... that's got to be nipped (firmly/politely) in the bud now.

You are an adult, a home owner and about to get married. Don't let anyone bully you or your spouse into doing things you don't want to do. And no, you do not owe anyone and explanation other than "No, because it's our house and we're going to do it our way."

If you both do want to take them up on the offer, then thank them and proceed, but do let them know you'd be proceeding with choices that you and fiancee are going to make and they will not have a say in paint colors or any such stuff. That's the other aspect you'll need to be aware of; once you let someone else pay, they feel (sometimes rightly) that they have a right to decide on aspects of how the money is used. So you lose some of your choice/independence and also have to compromise sometimes.

Sounds like you know what you're talking about! We ran into this issue a few years ago when getting our apartment. My helpful relatives were extending their help too far (because in their eyes we needed things we wouldn't buy ourselves), and I hate to say no to dear mom because she just wants to help, but she comes on a bit too strong sometimes and ends up with her exerting an influence that my fiance and I aren't really open to. My fiance is firmly in the "we'll do it ourselves" camp, and though I'm a bit of a pleaser when it comes to family, I want to put up a strong front with him and have it be the two of us figuring things out. Thank goodness he's frugal too!

I would thank them for their generosity but politely tell them you really enjoy working on your own house and doing things exactly the way you desire instead of relying on contractors. If they really would like to help out, perhaps they could buy item/furniture (X) for the house.

I have had lots of contractors over the years do work on my house for jobs above my pay grade or that needed to get done in a more timely fashion. Most of the time the experience has been great but a number of times I've had problems with the contractors. They either did a poor job or did it in a fashion that I didn't like. I am a big believer in the saying that if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself.

Thanks lthenderson. I'll give that a try. Right now I'm playing the card that having to make firm decisions about hiring someone, getting quotes, etc., is too much stress on top of unpacking and settling in. I'm trying delay, delay, delay, but being more firm wouldn't hurt. Only sometimes when you're more firm about something someone else thinks is necessary, they get a bit more pushy and say, "You may be looking a gift horse in the mouth". I'm not even sure what that means, but it sounds a bit threatening. But even if there was no housewarming gift at all, we were fine with doing it ourselves in the first place. My thoughts are we can't mess things up too much if we're just skim coating and painting. If we really run into trouble we will go the contractor route. The family was recommending a pretty reliable, skilled painter who has done work for them before so that would probably be our fallback.

[Shooter_D]

Ask them instead to help buy the paint and painting supplies? Or even come help paint if they become really insistent since they will probably disappear around the time manual labor is expected.

Also a great idea. I want to do a quality job and the paint and supplies should be pretty high quality so may come with a bigger price tag.

[snacky]

is there anything that needs doing that you can't tackle yourself? a furnace installation or something else that isn't so DIY friendly? you could just say "we appreciate the offer, but we can handle this one project. what we really need help with is _____"

help is awesome. say yes to help. but make sure it's actually helpful.

[Shooter_D]

is there anything that needs doing that you can't tackle yourself? a furnace installation or something else that isn't so DIY friendly? you could just say "we appreciate the offer, but we can handle this one project. what we really need help with is _____"

help is awesome. say yes to help. but make sure it's actually helpful.

Hey Snacky, thanks for the input! There are some things that I am not as interested in or that I would like done that cost something and require professionals. There is vermiculite (possibly containing asbestos) that I would like gone (which is another ball of wax) so I would definitely need qualified personnel for that. It's a "nice-to-have" as we are not currently accessing the attic or storing anything there, but would like to be able to do so without fear of harm to our health. Adding insulation in the attic without worrying about kicking up any asbestos would also be great. There is also some flooring we'd like to replace. These are things I'm either not qualified for or not that interested in learning how to do.

[FLBiker]

Nice problem to have!

We bought our first house a few years ago (1800 sqft) and removed wallpaper, patched drywall (including filling in an old doorframe we found when taking down wood paneling), repainted everything).  If someone else was paying, I'd gladly offer up a couple of the rooms. :)

In all seriousness, I like the idea of seeing if you can apply the gift to something that you don't want / can't do yourselves.  That said, I wouldn't worry too much about running out of learning opportunities.  At least, that hasn't been my experience of home ownership. :)

The advice on boundaries is also very good.  As a couple, the more things you're on the same page on (and communicating clearly to your families about) the better!

[TrMama]

Your family sounds like mine. I've found the real trick to getting them to back off on their "helpful suggestions" has been to make sure I never, ever complain about the issue to them.

In your case, make sure you don't mention how tired you are from moving/doing DIY/etc to your family. Don't mention how it was difficult or costly or whatever. If they ask about your weekend, just say something along the lines of how you and your fiance enjoyed some quality time together in your new home. You don't have to specify whether that quality time was spent canoodling in every room of the house or whether you spent it stripping wallpaper together. Then change the subject by asking them an unrelated question about themselves. "How was your golf game on Saturday, Mom?"

If you're thinking about having kids, it's much, much easier to set these sorts of boundaries now. It gets much harder when defenseless little people are involved.

[Dicey]

I agree 100% with Frankie's wise advice. I'm just posting to share some memories. My first house was built in the 70's and was a builder's model. There as awful wallpaper throughout the house. The bid for removal was $700. I was doing a combo of DIY, hiring help and pinching pennies. I elected to remove the wallpaper myself. Turns out the paper had been glued directly onto the raw drywall. OMG, it was a nightmare! To this day it's the only thing I wish I'd done differently.

Also, I just skimmed the comments after Frankie's brilliant answer, so sorry if it's been mentioned, but in a house that old I'd be on the lookout for lead paint and asbestos in the removal process.

And FWIW, I never borrowed or accepted a single penny from my parents after I turned eighteen. I did hire one of my friend's dad to do some handyman work, which made me feel weird/proud/grown-up all at the same time. I also hired a painting contractor because I had to be away on business during the time that the painting needed to be done (and the walls needed to be textured after the wallpaper was gone, a job I knew I couldn't handle). Eleven years later, when I needed to repaint the house, I called the same guy. In the process, he asked me out and now we're stupidly happily married, but that's a whole 'nother story;-)

[Shooter_D]

Nice problem to have!

We bought our first house a few years ago (1800 sqft) and removed wallpaper, patched drywall (including filling in an old doorframe we found when taking down wood paneling), repainted everything).  If someone else was paying, I'd gladly offer up a couple of the rooms. :)

In all seriousness, I like the idea of seeing if you can apply the gift to something that you don't want / can't do yourselves.  That said, I wouldn't worry too much about running out of learning opportunities.  At least, that hasn't been my experience of home ownership. :)

The advice on boundaries is also very good.  As a couple, the more things you're on the same page on (and communicating clearly to your families about) the better!

Great advice FLBiker, and it sounds like you had a very similar experience with your home. I think they are a similar size as well! You're right, on one hand accepting free help is so tempting, especially when there are so many other things to do. I guess my SO and I are pretty stubborn though since it's our first experience with all of this house stuff. My mom backed off a bit (probably at the urging of my dad who is not pressure-ey) but she is always full of suggestions!

Your family sounds like mine. I've found the real trick to getting them to back off on their "helpful suggestions" has been to make sure I never, ever complain about the issue to them.

In your case, make sure you don't mention how tired you are from moving/doing DIY/etc to your family. Don't mention how it was difficult or costly or whatever. If they ask about your weekend, just say something along the lines of how you and your fiance enjoyed some quality time together in your new home. You don't have to specify whether that quality time was spent canoodling in every room of the house or whether you spent it stripping wallpaper together. Then change the subject by asking them an unrelated question about themselves. "How was your golf game on Saturday, Mom?"

If you're thinking about having kids, it's much, much easier to set these sorts of boundaries now. It gets much harder when defenseless little people are involved.

Great point about not complaining. You're right that it does make them want to offer help, and it would make me feel the same way. Ha ha, canoodling!

I agree 100% with Frankie's wise advice. I'm just posting to share some memories. My first house was built in the 70's and was a builder's model. There as awful wallpaper throughout the house. The bid for removal was $700. I was doing a combo of DIY, hiring help and pinching pennies. I elected to remove the wallpaper myself. Turns out the paper had been glued directly onto the raw drywall. OMG, it was a nightmare! To this day it's the only thing I wish I'd done differently.

Also, I just skimmed the comments after Frankie's brilliant answer, so sorry if it's been mentioned, but in a house that old I'd be on the lookout for lead paint and asbestos in the removal process.

And FWIW, I never borrowed or accepted a single penny from my parents after I turned eighteen. I did hire one of my friend's dad to do some handyman work, which made me feel weird/proud/grown-up all at the same time. I also hired a painting contractor because I had to be away on business during the time that the painting needed to be done (and the walls needed to be textured after the wallpaper was gone, a job I knew I couldn't handle). Eleven years later, when I needed to repaint the house, I called the same guy. In the process, he asked me out and now we're stupidly happily married, but that's a whole 'nother story;-)

The wallpaper at our place is directly on the drywall as well, though in some areas there is paint underneath (probably lead; I believe it would be early- or pre-70s). When you say texturing, do you mean the skim coating? Maybe it's worth us having someone come in and give a quote anyway. After getting all our stuff moved in and realizing how big of a job just getting all our stuff settled in will be, it is tempting to re-visit the original offer! I'm so wishy-washy! The fact that I know there is asbestos and am quite sure there is lead paint on some of the walls adds to my anxiety about messing with things that may be hazardous.

It's so sweet that you met your husband after hiring him to do the painting! And next time you need to paint, you've got a great resource! ;)

Some of my hesitance of accepting help comes from the fact that it's pushed from outside before I'm ready to think about it. I already am a big analyzer so having someone point out a bunch of different stuff that I could use help with makes me want to just shut down and re-visit it myself when I can look at each piece separately.

On a different note, I'm quite sure we'll have to add insulation to the roof as well, something I wouldn't mind having a pro do, especially since we likely have asbestos in the vermiculite. We may remove the vermiculite before having someone in to insulate.

[Molzy]

For the insulation, check with your energy company - we just did this a few weeks ago, and they paid for 60% of the costs, which made the decision to hire it out simple (since you had to use a licensed contractor, they wouldn't pay for us to do it ourselves). We chose to air seal the attic ourselves to save $150...not sure if that was worth it to be honest (it was a miserable job and took way longer than expected).

As far as family gifts, I've had to deal with that as well. My aunt bought us a dishwasher when we bought our house (we sis install it ourselves) and my mom got us a grill and patio furniture. Since we are paying off student loans, I've decided to graciously accept any gift (they luckily gave us the choice of what we wanted) and then we make an equal payment to our loans based on what we saved. My mom and aunt are definitely the love language that involves giving gifts, so I've come to accept that it makes them happy to spend money on us, and it isn't hurting their finances.

Good luck! We only have one small room with wallpaper (bathroom) which we haven't tackled yet - for us, it was the shag carpet and wood paneling that got dealt with first! 

[Shooter_D]

For the insulation, check with your energy company - we just did this a few weeks ago, and they paid for 60% of the costs, which made the decision to hire it out simple (since you had to use a licensed contractor, they wouldn't pay for us to do it ourselves). We chose to air seal the attic ourselves to save $150...not sure if that was worth it to be honest (it was a miserable job and took way longer than expected).

As far as family gifts, I've had to deal with that as well. My aunt bought us a dishwasher when we bought our house (we sis install it ourselves) and my mom got us a grill and patio furniture. Since we are paying off student loans, I've decided to graciously accept any gift (they luckily gave us the choice of what we wanted) and then we make an equal payment to our loans based on what we saved. My mom and aunt are definitely the love language that involves giving gifts, so I've come to accept that it makes them happy to spend money on us, and it isn't hurting their finances.

Good luck! We only have one small room with wallpaper (bathroom) which we haven't tackled yet - for us, it was the shag carpet and wood paneling that got dealt with first! 

Sounds like our families have similar love languages. Nice way to put it! I realize this is not a bad problem to have! It seems to be a matter of trying to balance/slow-down their desire to give or pay for things so my SO and I can figure out what we actually want.

I will look into things with the energy company. It would be great to have some of that work covered. I'm thinking of having an energy audit done, or trying to do one ourselves. I did peek into the attic the other day and it was quite cold (which is probably normal to an extent; there is no insulation on the actual roof, just some batting against knee-walls and blown-in between the floor joists). And our basement is quite cold (also normal), but down the road when we re-do the weeping tile, I'd like to add insulation around the foundation.

[Basenji]

is there anything that needs doing that you can't tackle yourself? a furnace installation or something else that isn't so DIY friendly? you could just say "we appreciate the offer, but we can handle this one project. what we really need help with is _____"

help is awesome. say yes to help. but make sure it's actually helpful.

+1

We recently did a room ourselves (patch walls, paint, shelves, fix ceiling fan, make a day bed, sew custom couch covers) and we're so freaking proud of it. Learned a lot, the biggest thing that we could.

[Shooter_D]

We recently did a room ourselves (patch walls, paint, shelves, fix ceiling fan, make a day bed, sew custom couch covers) and we're so freaking proud of it. Learned a lot, the biggest thing that we could.

Great job Basenji! I'm looking forward to having a project done (even the moving in part is proving to be a big project) so I can feel the satisfaction that comes with DIY! I'm looking forward to building some furniture (thanks Ana White!) too! Sewing custom couch covers sounds like an awesome challenge and task! I have little sewing know-how but how else do you learn stuff than by trying?

[Le Poisson]

Sorry, but if someone offers to take a chore off my hands, I'll take them up on it.

I've DIYed enough projects, and have a long enough list that I have no qualms with accepting a gift if its offered. THere will be tonnes of other projects for you to get dirty on.

I do wonder though if there is a market for in-home teaching/helping for these sorts of projects. Lets say that instead of offering a handyman to come in and do the wallpaper for you, the offer was for a helper to come in and do it WITH you. They show you the tricks to getting the paper off with as little damage as possible, and show you how to patch and skim the drywall afterwards. You end up with a finished project faster, and some lessons that will save you from common mistakes.

Hmmm.

[Dicey]

... but how else do you learn stuff than by trying?

Yep. On the other hand, DH tried to fix some tiling and yikes. So, we're calling someone for that...eventually. One thing I've learned is unless it's an emergency, sit on it, think through options and how you really want it to look and function. There are things I thought we would redo when we bought the house that I finally realized while not beautiful are fine. Other things like dealing with a waterlogged crawlspace and getting a new roof came first. That's what I think is the main issue with taking help right now, you need time to really prioritize your wants.

Yes! Basenji's advice is worth its weight in gold.

[Shooter_D]

Sorry, but if someone offers to take a chore off my hands, I'll take them up on it.

I've DIYed enough projects, and have a long enough list that I have no qualms with accepting a gift if its offered. THere will be tonnes of other projects for you to get dirty on.

I do wonder though if there is a market for in-home teaching/helping for these sorts of projects. Lets say that instead of offering a handyman to come in and do the wallpaper for you, the offer was for a helper to come in and do it WITH you. They show you the tricks to getting the paper off with as little damage as possible, and show you how to patch and skim the drywall afterwards. You end up with a finished project faster, and some lessons that will save you from common mistakes.

Hmmm.

Good point Prospector. My hesitance in accepting help right away is that it would take away some learning opportunities for my and my SO. That being said, the whole house is covered in wallpaper so what is one room, really? Maybe if we finish up this one on our own we can see if the offer still stands for others we may want finished more quickly and professionally.

I think your idea as a how-to handyman to help people learn about how to do things would be a good niche! Something between Youtube and actually hiring someone to do the whole job... I have many friends who have family members that fill this role, but for those of us without family handy-people, it's hard to get started. And if there's no wifi in the house, and no data on the phone, Youtube is you-sless! Ha ha

[Shooter_D]

... but how else do you learn stuff than by trying?

Yep. On the other hand, DH tried to fix some tiling and yikes. So, we're calling someone for that...eventually. One thing I've learned is unless it's an emergency, sit on it, think through options and how you really want it to look and function. There are things I thought we would redo when we bought the house that I finally realized while not beautiful are fine. Other things like dealing with a waterlogged crawlspace and getting a new roof came first. That's what I think is the main issue with taking help right now, you need time to really prioritize your wants.

Yes! Basenji's advice is worth its weight in gold.

I agree! Get help when needed or when DIY goes south...