Author Topic: Having only one child  (Read 42295 times)

azure975

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #150 on: October 29, 2016, 11:42:46 PM »
+1 On everything you said. I have 6 siblings and that was the best thing that ever happened to my parents. In your old age is when you really see the value of your children and certainly when you have that many a few of them are likely to be very close and helpful to you. My parents are in a happy place with their children and grand children who help them financially and make sure they are taken care of. I think the saddest older people are those without children or have one or two children who don't care.

Actually, studies have shown that older people with children are no happier than older people without children. Happiness levels in old age seem more related to having a good relationship with a spouse or SO, close friendships and meaningful activities. However, I do agree that it would be nicer to have grown children who will check up on you than to have to depend on paid caregivers. Since I'm childfree by choice, I'm making sure to allocate extra to provide for my long-term care needs since I know I won't have children to fall back on.

marion10

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #151 on: October 30, 2016, 06:59:59 AM »
Both my parents were only children ( my father had a brother who died in childhood) - so I had no aunts, uncles or first cousins. I saw not only practically but emotionally how hard it was for my parents when my grandparents died. But there are no guarantees- your kids might not get along as adults.

frugalparagon

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #152 on: October 30, 2016, 09:21:16 AM »
I think the best way to make sure you're cared for in old age is to build close, warm relationships, whether you have kids or not. If you have kids but aren't very nice to them, they won't want to take care of you. I have childless aunts that I will certainly check in on when they age (both have plenty of resources for their care as far as I know, but of course there is much more to it than that).

Years ago I worked in an accounting firm that did the household employer tax for a lady with dementia. She knew she would need round-the-clock care and had a horror of nursing homes. She had no family but lots of money. A dear friend interviewed and hired a team of nurses--the full-time day nurse, the night nurses, the weekend nurses--and handled all this paperwork for her. There are so many ways to make sure one is looked after in old age.
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Letj

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #153 on: October 31, 2016, 06:39:24 PM »
I think the best way to make sure you're cared for in old age is to build close, warm relationships, whether you have kids or not. If you have kids but aren't very nice to them, they won't want to take care of you. I have childless aunts that I will certainly check in on when they age (both have plenty of resources for their care as far as I know, but of course there is much more to it than that).

Years ago I worked in an accounting firm that did the household employer tax for a lady with dementia. She knew she would need round-the-clock care and had a horror of nursing homes. She had no family but lots of money. A dear friend interviewed and hired a team of nurses--the full-time day nurse, the night nurses, the weekend nurses--and handled all this paperwork for her. There are so many ways to make sure one is looked after in old age.

In most cultures around the world, there's an obligation on the children to be kind to their parents even though their parents even if they never had a warm close relationship with them. I understand that American culture is different. I once read that the saddest people in nursing homes were those without children.

financiallypossible

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #154 on: November 03, 2016, 01:14:49 PM »
I really appreciate that MMM wrote this article. My wife and I currently only have one child, but we've been deciding whether or not to have a second child.

My biggest fear is ending up with twins and then jumping straight from the 1 to the 3+ on your chart. I've known too many others that have had that happen to them. Uggh..

At one point several years ago I wanted to blog on why the world needs lower birth rates worldwide and most families having 1 or 2 children. I now think that people will naturally come to that conclusion if we can improve their financial literacy around the world.
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Metric Mouse

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #155 on: November 07, 2016, 12:45:57 AM »
I really appreciate that MMM wrote this article. My wife and I currently only have one child, but we've been deciding whether or not to have a second child.

My biggest fear is ending up with twins and then jumping straight from the 1 to the 3+ on your chart. I've known too many others that have had that happen to them. Uggh..

At one point several years ago I wanted to blog on why the world needs lower birth rates worldwide and most families having 1 or 2 children. I now think that people will naturally come to that conclusion if we can improve their financial literacy around the world.

Actually, increasing life expectancy and the availability of birth control have much greater negative effects upon birth rates than financial literacy.
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partgypsy

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #156 on: November 17, 2016, 01:35:28 PM »
I probably posted in this thread before, but for the original poster, really let your wife know, that you are fine with one but more than that, no, because of valuing personal time, or essentially being too selfish to want kids, which is perfectly fine. It is really important for you to be brutally honest with yourself and your spouse about this. My husband and I have 2 kids. First one I knew for sure I wanted and he was excited, the 2nd one kind of an impulse but one we both agreed on. I just assumed we would adapt for having a bigger family.

However my husband didn't want to change his lifestyle which became glaringly obvious with the 2nd one, both in how much and when he worked (only part time, and on the weekends), and not wanting to cut back on multiple hobbies which made me a solo parent in fact if not in name.
When he left he said he appreciated all the time he was given for his bands, art and hobbies, but wanted even MORE time. Obviously, had I known that he was OK saying he wanted kids but not wanting to have the commitment to actually having them, I would have made a different decision. Even if you are thinking you are being kind to say yes, it is not a kindness.  He even brought up when I had brought up these things before, that he only had kids because I wanted them. Ouch.
And when I say make a different decision, most likely I would have tried to find someone who shared my values.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2016, 01:41:02 PM by partgypsy »

iowajes

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #157 on: November 17, 2016, 02:29:37 PM »

 I once read that the saddest people in nursing homes were those without children.

I think I'd be sadder if I had children who never visited me...

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #158 on: November 18, 2016, 12:06:49 AM »
I really appreciate that MMM wrote this article. My wife and I currently only have one child, but we've been deciding whether or not to have a second child.

My biggest fear is ending up with twins and then jumping straight from the 1 to the 3+ on your chart. I've known too many others that have had that happen to them. Uggh..

At one point several years ago I wanted to blog on why the world needs lower birth rates worldwide and most families having 1 or 2 children. I now think that people will naturally come to that conclusion if we can improve their financial literacy around the world.

Actually, increasing life expectancy and the availability of birth control have much greater negative effects upon birth rates than financial literacy.

I don't know about financial literary specifically, female education in general is pretty closely linked to decreased childbearing and there is reason to suspect it might be causal and not correlation (though always hard to determine for sure in retrospective data)
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Metric Mouse

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #159 on: November 18, 2016, 06:17:51 AM »
I really appreciate that MMM wrote this article. My wife and I currently only have one child, but we've been deciding whether or not to have a second child.

My biggest fear is ending up with twins and then jumping straight from the 1 to the 3+ on your chart. I've known too many others that have had that happen to them. Uggh..

At one point several years ago I wanted to blog on why the world needs lower birth rates worldwide and most families having 1 or 2 children. I now think that people will naturally come to that conclusion if we can improve their financial literacy around the world.

Actually, increasing life expectancy and the availability of birth control have much greater negative effects upon birth rates than financial literacy.

I don't know about financial literary specifically, female education in general is pretty closely linked to decreased childbearing and there is reason to suspect it might be causal and not correlation (though always hard to determine for sure in retrospective data)

Yes, as education increases birth rates decrease.  A much more accurate statement.
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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #160 on: November 18, 2016, 06:22:35 AM »

At one point several years ago I wanted to blog on why the world needs lower birth rates worldwide and most families having 1 or 2 children. I now think that people will naturally come to that conclusion if we can improve their financial literacy around the world.

Hans Rosling disagrees.
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Tuskalusa

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #161 on: December 05, 2016, 12:09:49 AM »
I remember having these conversations with my DH. We waited until our mid-30's to have a kid.  For a bunch of reasons, we have only one child. He's now 10, and he's awesome. Also, he LOVES being an only child. He actually tells me how much he likes being an only child...because he gets "more attention" and "more calm." (His own words.). I spent a lot of time worrying about if he'd be sad or lonely without a sibling. Turns out that it's all fine. 

What I've learned, more than anything else, is that things tend to work themselves out. If you've got the basics of a good partner and a solid relationship, the rest falls into place.

talltexan

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #162 on: January 31, 2017, 09:15:21 AM »
I was already at the 2-level when I saw this article, but I'm taking it into great consideration as my wife and discuss whether 3 children will make sense.

We're used to crowd-sourcing decisions like car purchases. Our Facebook friends were very willing to discuss Honda Pilots, etc., but who is out there with a 3rd child that would put on facebook that they really see now how two (or fewer) was probably the optimal number for their family?

englishteacheralex

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #163 on: January 31, 2017, 01:42:58 PM »
I read an awesome book last week called Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids. The premise is that people overestimate the cost (both financial and energy) of having kids and underestimate the long-term benefits. The author cites several studies that find child-rearing techniques are much less important in long-term outcomes for adult children than people think; thus, modern parents generally make child-rearing overly difficult for themselves.

I have two kids; a 2.5 year old and a 5 week old. Right now I'm longing to have a third, because I'm having so much fun and the thought of the future with my kids fills me with joy. Another one sounds just awesome. Honestly, I'm not sure how in the world we would afford daycare for three, though. We'd have to wait at least three years before it would be daycare for two ($2k/month) and by then I'll be 40. And 40 seems so darn old to have a newborn.

If I had family help and more resources, I think I'd have a third in a year or so. Yeah, the upfront cost is high, but the payoff seems so worth it. But if we had a third within our time frame, I'd probably have to stop working, and that would be a huge sacrifice because I love my job and I make pretty good money.
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firelight

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #164 on: January 31, 2017, 05:39:54 PM »
^^^ this! We are expecting our second soon but I'm already planning for the third in the next two years. But daycare and preschool costs (age difference would be 2.5 between the kiddos) will eat us alive :( we can swing it if there was help but at this point, very doubtful.

financiallypossible

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #165 on: January 31, 2017, 08:54:33 PM »
^^^ this! We are expecting our second soon but I'm already planning for the third in the next two years. But daycare and preschool costs (age difference would be 2.5 between the kiddos) will eat us alive :( we can swing it if there was help but at this point, very doubtful.

Congrats on having your 2nd on the way firelight! Is there a meaning behind firelight? (I like it)
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talltexan

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #166 on: February 01, 2017, 01:38:38 PM »
The converse of this material is that there may be childless people around you who--as they age--are increasingly disappointed in not having had any children. Remember to be sensitive to those people.

iowajes

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #167 on: February 01, 2017, 01:54:58 PM »
The converse of this material is that there may be childless people around you who--as they age--are increasingly disappointed in not having had any children. Remember to be sensitive to those people.

+1


I'd love to have more than one (living) child; it doesn't look like that is going to happen. We are really hoping we manage to get 1.  Despite advertising a "baby sale" at the local grocery store, it doesn't appear I can just go buy one.

ysette9

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #168 on: February 01, 2017, 02:41:15 PM »
Yeah, what a humbling lesson biology/Mother Nature can be. I am blessed that we were able to have one after three tries. We would love to have #2 but after over a year of trying with assistance, and me just turning 35, it is certainly possible that we will not be successful.
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firelight

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #169 on: February 01, 2017, 08:11:39 PM »
Very true. We lost a baby and it still stings. Not having or losing a child at any stage is never easy :(

ysette9

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #170 on: February 01, 2017, 08:27:01 PM »
That is very true and I really feel for you. Losing our second pregnancy in a row in ththis 2nd trimester was very hard on me. I was in a dark space when it subsequently was hard to get pregnant again. I expect just being older contributed as well as my stressful job assignment. I also feel like the emotions and not-fully-processed grief also contributed. In any case, it is easier to deal with the longer process of trying to get pregnant this time around because I do have this absolute blessing of a daughter. I can only imagine what a wreck I would be had we not succeeded with her. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.
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firelight

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #171 on: February 02, 2017, 07:59:40 PM »


That is very true and I really feel for you. Losing our second pregnancy in a row in ththis 2nd trimester was very hard on me. I was in a dark space when it subsequently was hard to get pregnant again. I expect just being older contributed as well as my stressful job assignment. I also feel like the emotions and not-fully-processed grief also contributed. In any case, it is easier to deal with the longer process of trying to get pregnant this time around because I do have this absolute blessing of a daughter. I can only imagine what a wreck I would be had we not succeeded with her. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.

Thanks ysette9. That is very sweet of you. I hope the pain dulls some day for all of us parents and non-parents. Hugs to everyone that is going through this!

Tuskalusa

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #172 on: April 23, 2017, 12:07:25 AM »
We have an only child, and we are happy to be a family of 3. If you asked my kid if he wanted a sibling, he'd say "no thank you."  He's 10, well adjusted, and has plenty of friends. For us, if was a great choice. Having an only child is a perfectly reasonable option, if that's what's best for your family.

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #173 on: April 23, 2017, 04:19:19 AM »
I have two children and have always wanted more. I grew up in a big family, and my parents both grew up in large families, and differences aside, there's a lot of support for parental care with siblings around.

But, now I am divorced, so my options for having children are limited. Hoping to look into adoption once my younger one is out of toddlerhood. I generally lead a simple life but I still don't feel 'done' with children and I'm not actively looking for someone to have children with (I am 34).


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Cassie

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #174 on: April 23, 2017, 01:03:42 PM »
The people I have known that did not want kids are not sorry now that they are older. I feel so sorry for people that want kids but it does not happen.  I did not feel that our family was complete until we had 3 kids.  They are all grown now and I really enjoy talking and visiting with them. I don't expect them to take care of me in my old age.

MrsCoolCat

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Re: Having only one child
« Reply #175 on: May 16, 2017, 12:58:18 PM »
Was my last reply really March of 2015 before I was pregnant & with my now 15 week baby? I thought I recently struggled with wanting more kids or not & when but this morning's argument made it very clear, that likewise for selfish reasons, I will not have another kid unless I stay home. Staying at home is hard & I think working FT to a firstborn/baby is even harder. I just don't want to repeat all of this, again. The pregnancy, labor & lack of sleep & constantly being judged that staying at home means I sleep 12 hrs. If that's true then I definitely can't & don't want to do it, again, while juggling work. All the power to the ppl that have multiple kids & to all parents really bc u do sacrifice urself.