Econdiva 2022 update (to "Buying a Parent a Home" thread)

[Holocene]

I'm so glad to hear she made it to her therapy appointment.  This is a huge step for her.  Sounds like she's taking to it well and already making positive improvements.  She's not going to change overnight, but at least she's heading the the right direction now.  Hope things go well for both of you and you're able to enjoy your week together.

[EconDiva]

Brief update 21Apr2022:

I've been in Portugal this whole month.  Just really needed to get away.  I've been working from here as after months and months of discussions with my company (i.e., management, HR, talent deployment, etc.), I was finally able to 'present my case' of how I could legally travel/stay here for several months and still work remotely with no issues.  It's been something I've been wanting to do for years.

Last night my mom had a stroke.  I plan to return to the US tomorrow now and am wrapping up things here so I can leave.  My aunt and I are waiting on the MRI results currently, however, we are just finding out of multiple (8?) falls she's had in the past 48 hours.  I know my aunt noticed L sided drooping 2 days ago so I don't know the story of why she is just being taken to the hospital last night as she has severely (i.e., low 200s over 140ish) high uncontrolled hypertension.

In speaking with my aunt she was mentioning how we need to discuss the 'plan' for her and I really don't know what to say.  My aunt stated the timing is unfortunate seeing as though my mom has actually kept every appointment (i.e., counselor, case worker, psychiatrist and all) at the 'one stop shop' mental health center she's been going to.  She even got a job offer last week.  I agree the timing does seem unfortunate, however, if my mom had had things her way, this stroke would have happened while she was in that dilapidated (spelling?) hoarded home that we literally just (finally) left only a few months ago.  Had this happened there she would have been alone and help would definitely not have been sought as no one would have seen her condition to know she was having a stroke.

I'll post another update when I know more, however, my plan for now is to just get back to the US and assess her state.  I don't really know what 'plan' to discuss for her because I still hadn't gotten to a place of knowing what to do about my mom's living arrangements. 

[iluvzbeach]

EconDiva, so glad you got some time in Portugal, but very sorry to hear about your mother’s health issue. Safe travels back to the U.S. You’re in my prayers.

Please keep us posted, as you have time.

[former player]

I'm so pleased to hear that you advocated for yourself over the trip to Portugal and that it worked out for you, even if you are having to cut it short now.

I don't know whether you are in a jurisdiction where there is a statutory responsibility on you to look after a parent?   Without that, I would just say that although you (with your brother) are your mother's next of kin that does not mean that you have to take on either a legal or financial obligation to support her or pay for her care.  And please be aware that if you did accept any of those responsibilities it might mean that your mother was no longer eligible for all the public assistance which she might otherwise have. 

("Next of kin" doesn't actually mean much, legally speaking, it's just a way for the authorities to work out who to notify in certain circumstances, and to tick boxes on forms for their own protection.  Don't let being next of kin be used against you to require you to sign anything or be tricked into agreeing to anything.)

[change_seeker]

Econdiva-

I am praying for you right now.

-Travis

[Holocene]

So sorry to hear about your mom.  I'm glad she was with your aunt and able to get help.  Like you said, it could've been a lot worse if she was still living alone.  My thoughts are with you and your family, hoping she makes a full recovery.  Sorry you had to cut your trip short, but I'm glad to hear you were able to get away for a bit.  You deserve it.

This is a time of high stress and chaos.  I don't think it's the best time to be making long-term plans.  Especially before you really know her condition.  Take a breath and travel safe.  You still need to keep putting yourself first.  That means it's probably not a good idea to agree to take her in long-term.  There are other options, so do what is right for you as well, not just her.  Wishing you and your family the best!

[SunnyDays]

So sorry to hear this.  Just when you were getting a well-deserved break.

You can't really making living arrangement plans for your mom until you know what her needs will be.  Stroke can lead to both physical and cognitive impairments and until you see the extent of them, it's all up in the air.  The doctor will be able to advise you on what kind of long term care is needed.  I agree that you shouldn't commit yourself to any care AT ALL - there are all kinds of services and facilities for her.  Let her avail herself of these.  You can visit/help out in some setting other than your home.  She's still young and may have a lot of needy years ahead, so be cautious what you agree to.

[EconDiva]

What complicates things and what has me seething right now is within 10 minutes of me seeing my mom she lets me know my aunt has requested her social security number and claimed her as a dependent..for 2021.

My mom has only been with her for 3 months. This is tax fraud AND what’s worse to me is her taking advantage of her KNOWING she’d feel obligated to give her this info since she’s staying with her.  Of course she told her not to say anything about it.

I need her plans after the hospital to not be returning to my aunts..I need to get POA ASAP; who knows what else is going on right now. I told my mom not to engage in anything else moving forward with my aunt that involves finances, legal matters, etc.

Worse part is I can’t say anything just yet as the potential reaction from my aunt will cause a lot of stress for my mom

[former player]

I don't understand.  If you did get a POA from your mother what would you do about the tax position?  Tell the tax people that your aunt has committed a tax fraud?  Or let it go and risk being an accessory to your aunt's tax fraud?

Why would you want to involve yourself legally in this shit show?  By all means be an emotional and practical support to your mother in helping her get whatever help she needs, but if your aunt has decided to claim your mother as a dependent I think you need to stay as far away as possible from any legal or financial involvement.  It can do no good and may do irreparable harm.

[EconDiva]

I don't understand.  If you did get a POA from your mother what would you do about the tax position?  Tell the tax people that your aunt has committed a tax fraud?  Or let it go and risk being an accessory to your aunt's tax fraud?

Why would you want to involve yourself legally in this shit show?  By all means be an emotional and practical support to your mother in helping her get whatever help she needs, but if your aunt has decided to claim your mother as a dependent I think you need to stay as far away as possible from any legal or financial involvement.  It can do no good and may do irreparable harm.

POA won’t do anything about this fraudulent tax situation.  However this fraudulent tax situation simply reminded me that I need to get a POA from my mom..that’s all

I don’t want to be involved with anything legally with this mess my aunt is creating however now that I have been informed of it which I kinda wish I hadn’t,  I will clarify that what complicates things is I have to let her know I know at some point (as she really needs to be told not to do this again) however retaliation will likely ensue in the form of her not letting my mom return to her place. So like I said I will keep quiet about this. For now. I’m just upset and venting (and perhaps not making much sense right now, idk). I’m tired and jet lagged and angry. 

(Typing from my phone fyi)

[Dicey]

Your indignation is indeed righteous, but you are wise to consider the timing of the decision to report this fraud. Right now, the stress it could cause probably isn't worth it, but it might be in the future.

[EconDiva]

If you're referring to reporting it to the IRS, that part hadn't even crossed my mind (yet)..I'd just been coming from the perspective of telling my aunt I know, that we both know this is illegal and to 'not' every do this again.  Although maybe I should look up (later) if somehow I'm 'obligated' to report it (?)..

[Dicey]

At this point, it's hearsay, so I doubt there's any obligation to report. I'm not sure if there's anything to be gained by informing the aunt you know. Did your aunt's action actually cost your mother money? I think I'd be worried about other fraud against her, now that you know your aunt is willing to commit it.

[SunnyDays]

What a mess.  Another option is to contact Adult Protective Services and let them deal with your aunt.  Or mention your concerns about fraud to a doctor - I imagine they would be in a mandated reporter situation? 

[cchrissyy]

aw man econdiva, that's a lot

let me begin with I'm glad you took the time in portugal, and i'm sorry about your mom's strokes or whatever the whole story is

I think the hospital stay will lead you to resources, like the doctors and social workers, who will know where your mom should stay next. it won't be somebody's house. it wil lbe like a nursing home for people who need assistance with their daily living and physical therapy for whatever damage the stroke did to balance, walking, dressing, eating... there is a huge range and i'm sure it's too soon to know your mom's new capabilities and what level of support she needs and for how long. I just want to be loud and clear that there are professionals who provide this expert, safe, care, in specific locations that would be covered by her insurance or medicaid/medicare, and that this hospital stay needs to end with your mom in the appropriate setting, NOT her sister's place where this happened and NOT your place where it's a huge burden on you and besides, you're not a nurse or physical therapist. IMO your role to help support her is by advocating at the hospital and communciating to the social workers about where to go next.


the tax thing... does this mean your mom did not file her own return? does she have enough income that she should have?  if you were getting involved in her finances at all, I think what i suggest is file/refile her return, as a non-dependent if that is the truth. the IRS is more than capable of noticing and investigating. there is no need to talk about this in person.

i agree the real takeaway about the tax issue is now you know the aunt will use your mom for money. perhaps she's filed for other social programs on her behalf, like food stamps? who knows. or opened credit cards now that she has her social plus address?  That crap won't stop just bc your mom moves out. I don't mean to slander your aunt. maybe the tax thing was simply ignorance of the rules. i'm just saying if you want an actionable thing here, it isn't confronting the aunt and it's not moving your mom out.  it's filing her taxes correctly and freezing her credit.  and yes *be careful* not to get legally entangled. don't put your name on any of her accounts thinking that will help. don't sign anything at the hospital about being liable for her care. you're the family contact for medical decisions not billing ones.

damn, and good luck!

[charis]

First, your mom should have filed her 2021 return already (if necessary), as should your aunt. Are you sure this is for 2021? Second, you don't have to be worried at all about how your aunt files her taxes. For all you know she asked for the information and then went to prepare the forms and learned that she couldn't declare your mom as a dependent. 

If there is any fraud by your aunt, the IRS will sort it out. My father declared me as a dependent when he shouldn't have, one year after I had already moved out. I received a letter about it and I think my dad had to pay a penalty, but that was it.

I would ignore the tax issue and simply let your aunt know that you will be filing for POA for your mom and that you will be handling her finances going forward. That puts her on notice that she shouldn't try anything like opening up credit cards etc.

[EconDiva]

First, your mom should have filed her 2021 return already (if necessary), as should your aunt. Are you sure this is for 2021? Second, you don't have to be worried at all about how your aunt files her taxes. For all you know she asked for the information and then went to prepare the forms and learned that she couldn't declare your mom as a dependent. 

If there is any fraud by your aunt, the IRS will sort it out. My father declared me as a dependent when he shouldn't have, one year after I had already moved out. I received a letter about it and I think my dad had to pay a penalty, but that was it.

I would ignore the tax issue and simply let your aunt know that you will be filing for POA for your mom and that you will be handling her finances going forward. That puts her on notice that she shouldn't try anything like opening up credit cards etc.

My mom hasn't filed

My aunt asked for my mom's SSN ~2 weeks ago while my aunt was in the middle of filing

My mom said she's claimed other dependents she legally did not have the right to claim in the past

My aunt told my mom that by claiming her it will help her with $10k in taxes she is going to owe; so she claimed her for 2021

I did tell my aunt that I'll be getting POA for my mom...because it was one of the first things she (aunt) asked me about upon me seeing her yesterday

[charis]

First, your mom should have filed her 2021 return already (if necessary), as should your aunt. Are you sure this is for 2021? Second, you don't have to be worried at all about how your aunt files her taxes. For all you know she asked for the information and then went to prepare the forms and learned that she couldn't declare your mom as a dependent. 

If there is any fraud by your aunt, the IRS will sort it out. My father declared me as a dependent when he shouldn't have, one year after I had already moved out. I received a letter about it and I think my dad had to pay a penalty, but that was it.

I would ignore the tax issue and simply let your aunt know that you will be filing for POA for your mom and that you will be handling her finances going forward. That puts her on notice that she shouldn't try anything like opening up credit cards etc.

My mom hasn't filed

My aunt asked for my mom's SSN ~2 weeks ago while my aunt was in the middle of filing

My mom said she's claimed other dependents she legally did not have the right to claim in the past

My aunt told my mom that by claiming her it will help her with $10k in taxes she is going to owe; so she claimed her for 2021

I did tell my aunt that I'll be getting POA for my mom...because it was one of the first things she asked me about upon me seeing her yesterday

Again, based on my experience in the same situation (I didn't even know my father had done it until I received a letter from the IRS), you don't need to worry about how your aunt files her tax return. It's on her if she files incorrectly and she'll probably have to pay a penalty.  Your mother should file as she normally would. A quick Google search tells me that she might receive an error message if she e-files and she may have to file by mail.

[cchrissyy]

I agree your mom needs to file. I say that assuming she had some income last year and is therefore obligated to file.  Being a dependent wouldn't change that requirement. Maybe your mom is misinformed about her obligation to file, and to be truthful in it.
I suppose there is a chance your mom was not filing taxes properly before this? it sounds like she wasn't very "with it" in terms of bills and paperwork and it's possible this is the tip of an iceberg?

But.

It is not your job. As long as she is mentally competent and functioning as a legally independent adult, you cannot make her file taxes just like you couldn't push in and fix the situation if your brother told you his inlaws were wrongly claiming him on their taxes. Reality is the only power you have is to teach, or to help, and to make sure you are no part of any wrongdoing.

[EconDiva]

I agree your mom needs to file. I say that assuming she had some income last year and is therefore obligated to file.  Being a dependent wouldn't change that requirement. Maybe your mom is misinformed about her obligation to file, and to be truthful in it.
I suppose there is a chance your mom was not filing taxes properly before this? it sounds like she wasn't very "with it" in terms of bills and paperwork and it's possible this is the tip of an iceberg?

But.

It is not your job. As long as she is mentally competent and functioning as a legally independent adult, you cannot make her file taxes just like you couldn't push in and fix the situation if your brother told you his inlaws were wrongly claiming him on their taxes. Reality is the only power you have is to teach, or to help, and to make sure you are no part of any wrongdoing.

Well truth of the matter is now that this issue has arisen I am likely qualified to claim my mom. I wasn’t even thinking about this before. I’m filing late this year myself (extension) so maybe I’ll just claim her and my aunt can go through the auditing process. I’m more concerned she’d ask my mom to do this knowing it’s not legal and knowing my mom has clear compromised decision making abilities and knowing my mom would feel obligated to say yes to her. I’m mostly concerned about what else she might have done or could be trying to do (particularly since the first thing she (aunt) asked me about was if I have a POA) so I’m just very distrusting. Perhaps I will talk to APS about it as another poster mentioned. Just need to get through her recovery and prepare for a plan for her post discharge as without going into much detail I am being pressured by family to take charge of what happens with her once she leaves the hospital. I’m not going to make any rash decisions so my mom just might have to continue staying with my aunt post d/c however all I can say is based on some things/treatment I’ve seen from my aunt to my mom while she’s been hospitalized, I truly do not want her alone with her much longer smh.

[charis]

If you can claim your mom, you should. You don't have any obligations or control over your aunt's reporting errors.  And your aunt didn't need your mom's permission to claim her as a dependent, though she did need the SSN.  I agree that's it's a huge red flag and she shouldn't be anywhere near your mom's finances. However, as someone pointed out, it's her decision.

[EconDiva]

If you can claim your mom, you should. You don't have any obligations or control over your aunt's reporting errors.  And your aunt didn't need your mom's permission to claim her as a dependent, though she did need the SSN.  I agree that's it's a huge red flag and she shouldn't be anywhere near your mom's finances. However, as someone pointed out, it's her decision.

In short I agree with you re my aunt not being around my moms finances. My mom was telling me yesterday my aunt told her that she needs to file social security now (was trying to get her to do so) and it didn’t need to be discussed with me because “Econdiva is not running anything around here” (severe eye roll). I literally have been trying to make this decision with my mom regarding timing for when to do this but I just don’t get why my aunt is such a frikkin control freak of a mess and why she would even raise anything about my mom’s social security at all.

[iluvzbeach]

EconDiva, what you’re going through is so hard and I’m sorry you have this on your plate. If I may, I’d like to offer one bit of advice and that is to be careful about taking too much control of the situation and feeling like this is all your responsibility. Taking your mother into your home is likely not the best answer. You are at a point where you still need to be able to work and bring in income. If staying with your aunt long-term isn’t a viable option, please consider pursuing other housing/care arrangements for your mother via APS & solutions they suggest. Having your mom in a care setting near you, so that you can be accessible in an emergency or check-in on her 1-2 times per week is one thing, but bringing her into your home is another. One I’d strongly discourage against based on what you’ve previously shared.

Continuing to send you well wishes as you navigate this challenging situation.

[EconDiva]

EconDiva, what you’re going through is so hard and I’m sorry you have this on your plate. If I may, I’d like to offer one bit of advice and that is to be careful about taking too much control of the situation and feeling like this is all your responsibility. Taking your mother into your home is likely not the best answer. You are at a point where you still need to be able to work and bring in income. If staying with your aunt long-term isn’t a viable option, please consider pursuing other housing/care arrangements for your mother via APS & solutions they suggest. Having your mom in a care setting near you, so that you can be accessible in an emergency or check-in on her 1-2 times per week is one thing, but bringing her into your home is another. One I’d strongly discourage against based on what you’ve previously shared.

Continuing to send you well wishes as you navigate this challenging situation.

Thank you for the well wishes.

I am trying to get ahold of APS today as well as her team at the local mental health community center she’s been going to/working with.  I feel a bit overwhelmed right now (today is my third day straight spending nights in the hospital) so do the support of knowing what are the other options of her for when she is discharged. My aunt has a pretty full work load (she works more hours than me) but of course yes I need to work too. I just took off two weeks FMLA (first time doing) in the midst of this incident happening so I really don’t want to have to take much more than that off. 

[EconDiva]

Short update:

Filed for disability and Medicaid for my mom. Got my FMLA paperwork in finally.

As my mom is currently ‘no pay’ (no money or assets or Medicaid or insurance), she can’t get home healthcare and would go from inpatient rehab straight to outpatient rehab meaning that as soon as IP rehab is over she would then need support getting to outpatient rehab appointments for some time. In the meantime Aunt keeps asking me what is the update on me finding a place for her to live (she just left town till next week to celebrate her birthday). 

[Cassie]

If your mom can’t take care of herself she should be able to go to to a Medicaid nursing home.

[EconDiva]

If your mom can’t take care of herself she should be able to go to to a Medicaid nursing home.

I am looking into this..the case worker stated the Medicaid app would take 6 to 24 months

[former player]

If your mom can’t take care of herself she should be able to go to to a Medicaid nursing home.

I am looking into this..the case worker stated the Medicaid app would take 6 to 24 months

Whatever is paying for her hospital stay will presumably also pay for a nursing home for a while (if only to get her out of the more expensive hospital) and then if she's eligible Medicaid will pick up payments after her current payment system runs out - there may be a delay in the actual payments but she will stay in the home while they are backdated.  What you mustn't do is assume responsibility yourself for arranging a home or making payments at any stage if that would make her ineligible for government help - I wouldn't be at all surprised if someone tried to trick you into that.

[cchrissyy]

Whatever is paying for her hospital stay will presumably also pay for a nursing home for a while (if only to get her out of the more expensive hospital) and then if she's eligible Medicaid will pick up payments after her current payment system runs out - there may be a delay in the actual payments but she will stay in the home while they are backdated.  What you mustn't do is assume responsibility yourself for arranging a home or making payments at any stage if that would make her ineligible for government help - I wouldn't be at all surprised if someone tried to trick you into that.

very important!

[EconDiva]

If your mom can’t take care of herself she should be able to go to to a Medicaid nursing home.

I am looking into this..the case worker stated the Medicaid app would take 6 to 24 months

Whatever is paying for her hospital stay will presumably also pay for a nursing home for a while (if only to get her out of the more expensive hospital) and then if she's eligible Medicaid will pick up payments after her current payment system runs out - there may be a delay in the actual payments but she will stay in the home while they are backdated.  What you mustn't do is assume responsibility yourself for arranging a home or making payments at any stage if that would make her ineligible for government help - I wouldn't be at all surprised if someone tried to trick you into that.

Thank you; I appreciate your continued support and advice. To the point where I have an attorney now (I get free legal service consultations through my employer) as I just need the advisement with so many things involving her at the moment.

[iluvzbeach]

EconDiva, sounds like a huge step in the right direction (attorney.)

Although approval for Medicaid may take a while, there should be some sort of emergency housing or care facility option. The hospital cannot dump her on the street. Make it very clear she has nowhere to go and that you work & cannot take care of her 24/7, if you are to keep your job and a roof over your head. Hopefully the attorney will have some good recommendations.

I don’t know why your aunt thinks it’s your responsibility to find your mother a place to live.

You are doing all the right things!!!

[former player]

I agree with iluvzbeach, I'm so pleased that you have expert in-person help as well as our well-meaning attempts on this forum.

You are doing a good thing giving your mother as much support as you can.   I think you live in a studio and work full time?  You can't possibly provide a home and live-in support to your mother on that basis and I can't think that anyone who knows those facts would require it of you.

[EconDiva]

I agree with iluvzbeach, I'm so pleased that you have expert in-person help as well as our well-meaning attempts on this forum.

You are doing a good thing giving your mother as much support as you can.   I think you live in a studio and work full time?  You can't possibly provide a home and live-in support to your mother on that basis and I can't think that anyone who knows those facts would require it of you.

So yes..I live in a studio in Atlanta. I honestly was already making loose plans so to speak to move to SC and find a place with my mom pre stroke after she lost her house but I haven’t been able to find anything.  My aunt offered to take her in however it was offered up as a ‘temporary’ solution until I have a place.  My aunt does have an active life in that she works and goes to school full time and travels to Atlanta frequently to see her kids there and is also planning to retire there in the near future although I don’t know the timelines. Now that this has happened though I’m getting asked by her almost daily what is the update on housing for post discharge.   

Currently I am staying at a friends house an hour away from the hospital my mom is in (the city she lives in with my aunt).  This allows me to look at options in the city I’d be moving her to. I’d ask my friend to just let us move here but honestly I’m looking for a place that has a shower only setup in one of the bathrooms since my mom will be discharged to a wheelchair.  This is a bit hard to find although I have seen a few options. I also am trying to buy a car as I don’t own a vehicle and haven’t in a decade.

I just need to get the car and some housing then in between time get back to Atlanta and pack my place there up so it’s ready to move out before my mom is discharged.  My understanding is I will need to hire home health for my mom to cover the gap until Medicaid kicks in. This would allow me to hopefully keep my job as without help the stress of doing too much care after all of these other changes might be too much for me. That is the current plan however you and iluvzbeach have helped me realize I need to discuss alternative options that give me more time between my mom being discharged and moving her in with me.

[EconDiva]

My mom
Asked if she can start attending therapy more often when she gets out. She also asked me to look for a stroke support group she can go to.

Small yet big steps…

[EconDiva]

Econdiva-

I am praying for you right now.

-Travis

Thank you so so much

[EconDiva]

EconDiva, sounds like a huge step in the right direction (attorney.)

Although approval for Medicaid may take a while, there should be some sort of emergency housing or care facility option. The hospital cannot dump her on the street. Make it very clear she has nowhere to go and that you work & cannot take care of her 24/7, if you are to keep your job and a roof over your head. Hopefully the attorney will have some good recommendations.

I don’t know why your aunt thinks it’s your responsibility to find your mother a place to live.

You are doing all the right things!!!

I will be talking to the social worker about this more..thank you for the continued support.

[EconDiva]

Came back to briefly state that in the meantime I will definitely be talking to case management about what other arrangements can be made post discharge that would alternatively put my mom very close to whatever new place I end up in as opposed to us outright living together (as least not in the very beginning post discharge).

[EconDiva]

Talked to case management.

They said she would need at least three more weeks here in inpatient rehab however I think they will keep her longer than that but just aren’t saying how long they will try to keep her.

Case worker said she cannot have skilled nursing care because she is a no pay. She reiterated that my only option until Medicaid kicks in is home health out of pocket (starts at $18 an hour). She said otherwise I could pay 6-10k monthly OOP for a skilled nursing facility myself. She said she needs 24 hour care and full equipment. She reiterated it will be 6-24 months for Medicaid and that’s they call every day to try to get the Medicaid expedited but that this has been the typical turnaround time for it to be processed.

I have a lot of calls and research to do because I am unable to pay for this based on what was discussed.

[EconDiva]

Wondering if I should just apply for ACA for her. I meet with the attorney next Thursday so I really hope they can provide guidance.

[former player]

What does the case worker say happens to people in your mother's condition who can't pay for the help they need?  And in particular what does she say happens to people in your mother's condition who can't pay and don't have anyone else who can pay for them or look after them to the extent they need?

There will be an answer.

[iluvzbeach]

Yes, agree with formerplayer above.

They cannot legally dump your mother on the street.

She cannot come home with you. You must work in order to keep a roof over your head. You cannot work and provide 24/7 care for your mother. You also need to sleep, relax, clean, shop, etc. Do not let them bully you into taking your mother home, not even for one night. Do not leave the facility with her under your control for any reason. There has to be an emergency option available. Period. Do not settle for less.

Hopefully the attorney or a social worker will be able to assist.

P.S. How old is your mother? Less than 65, but by how much? Did she not previously have any type of insurance coverage?

[cchrissyy]

Yes. What is the plan for people in her health condition who can't be discharged to home and can't hire help and are stuck waiting on the slow medicaid system approval.
There is an answer. Do they stay longer at the hospital? Are there rebab centers who take them in and get reimbursed later? This is a problem the hospital social workers are trained to solve, insist that they solve it. Absolutely never tell them she can come home with you, or be a cash patient on your signature. She is her own patient and she needs community resources while you support to a certain degree from the secure position of your own home, life, resources.

[EconDiva]

Yes, agree with formerplayer above.

They cannot legally dump your mother on the street.

She cannot come home with you. You must work in order to keep a roof over your head. You cannot work and provide 24/7 care for your mother. You also need to sleep, relax, clean, shop, etc. Do not let them bully you into taking your mother home, not even for one night. Do not leave the facility with her under your control for any reason. There has to be an emergency option available. Period. Do not settle for less.

Hopefully the attorney or a social worker will be able to assist.

P.S. How old is your mother? Less than 65, but by how much? Did she not previously have any type of insurance coverage?

This is actually the social worker I am communicating with who keeps telling me all of this

My mom is 63..she’s never had a doctor or money, savings, Medicaid or ever any insurance.

[charis]

Yes, agree with formerplayer above.

They cannot legally dump your mother on the street.

She cannot come home with you. You must work in order to keep a roof over your head. You cannot work and provide 24/7 care for your mother. You also need to sleep, relax, clean, shop, etc. Do not let them bully you into taking your mother home, not even for one night. Do not leave the facility with her under your control for any reason. There has to be an emergency option available. Period. Do not settle for less.

Hopefully the attorney or a social worker will be able to assist.

P.S. How old is your mother? Less than 65, but by how much? Did she not previously have any type of insurance coverage?

This is actually the social worker I am communicating with who keeps telling me all of this

My mom is 63..she’s never had a doctor or money, savings, Medicaid or ever any insurance.

What did she say when you told her that you can't pay.  I know nothing about this, but I assume your mother will be billed, not you since you aren't the patient, correct?  When my aunt had a stroke and need 24 care, my mother and her brother were her only living relatives.  I don't recall them being billed for any care related to my aunt.  Although they did visit her rehab home and cleaned out her apartment.

[SunnyDays]

I support everyone who says do not take on ANY responsibility here.  You have neither the time, nor the skills, if she needs an actual nurse.

It sounds like she is pretty incapacitated from the stroke and will need a lot of help.  And could live that way for a long time, so the firmer boundaries you set now, the better.  It doesn't mean you don't love her, but you need to protect yourself and your own financial, emotional and social future.

Let the system figure out what it must provide first.  Then you can add in whatever supports you feel able to, big or small.   

[calimom]

I support everyone who says do not take on ANY responsibility here.  You have neither the time, nor the skills, if she needs an actual nurse.

It sounds like she is pretty incapacitated from the stroke and will need a lot of help.  And could live that way for a long time, so the firmer boundaries you set now, the better.  It doesn't mean you don't love her, but you need to protect yourself and your own financial, emotional and social future.

Let the system figure out what it must provide first.  Then you can add in whatever supports you feel able to, big or small.

Seriously, this.
You are a good daughter, @EconDiva

[EconDiva]

I support everyone who says do not take on ANY responsibility here.  You have neither the time, nor the skills, if she needs an actual nurse.

It sounds like she is pretty incapacitated from the stroke and will need a lot of help.  And could live that way for a long time, so the firmer boundaries you set now, the better.  It doesn't mean you don't love her, but you need to protect yourself and your own financial, emotional and social future.

Let the system figure out what it must provide first.  Then you can add in whatever supports you feel able to, big or small.

Seriously, this.
You are a good daughter, @EconDiva

Thank you.

For those that are still following this story and have been sending prayers, I reallllly really appreciate it.  I need the continued prayers because the family part of this whole situation is really really frustrating and angering me right now. 

[Sandi_k]

Thank you.

For those that are still following this story and have been sending prayers, I reallllly really appreciate it.  I need the continued prayers because the family part of this whole situation is really really frustrating and angering me right now.

It's OK to be angry, when people show you what amoral assh*les they are. Sounds like this is new information in terms of your aunt, and I'd assume that some of that anger is protectiveness for your mom.

I'm sorry people suck. :(

[EconDiva]

Thank you.

For those that are still following this story and have been sending prayers, I reallllly really appreciate it.  I need the continued prayers because the family part of this whole situation is really really frustrating and angering me right now.

It's OK to be angry, when people show you what amoral assh*les they are. Sounds like this is new information in terms of your aunt, and I'd assume that some of that anger is protectiveness for your mom.

I'm sorry people suck. :(

Basically, I feel like I'm maintaining the peace with my aunt (the best I can right now...actually I'm getting a tiny break from her as she was unfortunately just diagnosed with covid) but at the same time I can't really get peace...now my aunt's daughter (my cousin who I've always been close with) is coming at me like "the family is trying to understand how could you go out of the country and not tell any of us and we've been wondering what the update is on your mom's housing for months and you haven't updated us" blah blah blah...I'm just not in the mood to be dealing with people's attitudes.  And I'm not willing to be walked over and talked to any kind of way anymore. 

It doesn't make any sense that 'the family' has been discussing for months that they don't have 'an update on my mom's housing plan from Econdiva' but never asked me by simply picking up the phone...and are mad about it.  Literally anyone could have called me and I would have simply stated, "I continue to look every day, I continue to lose homes I've bid on, I'm still in my lease, and I don't have a place for my mom and I yet..not sure when I will considering the market/how things have been going."

I'm just tired of hearing things like this when literally no one is asking how I'm doing through all of this and what can be done to help.  This just is not the time to be raising nonsensical stuff like this and furthermore, to be completely honest, my mom has not been declared incompetent - the first point of contact for an update on this 'plan' everyone keeps mentioning of where my mom would have gone up until now really and truly could have been directed to her first.  Not me.  Yet people are directing their attitudes and anger at me; it doesn't make any sense and I won't have it anymore.  I'm already under a lot of stress and trying to keep from going off.

[mozar]

Sending my prayers.
You’re aunt and her daughter sound like narcissists. My mother used to pull this “the family” crap which somehow never included me. “The family” could have spent the last few months figuring out where your mother went themselves. I am angry on your behalf.
I also want to reiterate not letting your mom live with you. And Don’t let the nurses pressure you into signing anything on release day.
Say your mother needs 8 hours worth of care every day. At 20 dollars an hour that’s 40k a year.