UPDATE. American Family Living in Russia -- Need Help With Our Exit Strategy

[stepingum]

We have a lot of big decisions and changes we need to make in the next few years, so I want to get it all written down where random strangers from the internet can help me think things through more thoroughly. I've been mostly lurker status around here for a few years, but have learned a lot and come to realize the mustachian mentality is more in line with our habits than most of my friends and family (although I admit we haven't been very intentional about it). Advice, personal experience and wisdom are all very much welcome as we try to untangle the pros and cons of what to do next.

The short story: we are a family of four (me - 35, DH - 35, DS1 - 4, DS2 - 2) taking advantage of our location independent status and the LCOL in Russia. After ten years of nose-to-the-grindstone working hard I got burned out trying to juggle kids and work. Let's just say family support in the US is pathetic; mothers are expected to be superheros, and I hated that I couldn't give myself 100% to both my work and my family. My husband is a well-educated underemployed translator and I was the high earner. Prior to having children DH was fully employed but underpaid so we made the decision that he would stay home with the boy and work just 15 hours a week (flexible hours, from home). Everything fell apart pretty quickly; DS1 was a little monster and spent his days screaming and his nights nursing. DH was not coping and was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I was in the midst of a big project at work with mandatory overtime and was the slacker in the office for only putting in 50 hours a week. It was two years of extreme stress and sleep deprivation, oh, and pregnancy. Luckily, DS2 was an angel baby that slept and smiled (and was, sadly, mostly ignored). When I went back to work we were finally able to get both boys into a daycare (albeit unlicensed) so DH could start to recover. But it was expensive and they watched TV all day. And DH was still only working 15 hours a week. Obviously this was NOT how we planned for that phase of our lives to go.

Anyway, we hit upon the idea of moving to Russia because the exchange rate is awesome and Americans can get 3-year multiple-entry tourist visas. We gave ourselves 9 months to get our house in order, wrap up projects at work, and get our paperwork taken care of. Our house is successfully rented to some great renters, our (dramatically pared down) belongings are stored in a second garage on the property, and we've been in Russia for almost a year now. DH has slowly been able to pick up more and more work so we have been surprisingly able to save a little while we're here (our original estimates had us just breaking even).

We can stay for two more years, if we wish, but our current plan is to move home next June (2020). DS1 will be able to start kindergarten and he continues to be extremely challenging. We suspect he is gifted, likely ODD and possibly ADHD as well -- it is very likely he will need, at a minimum, behavioral therapy when we return. Barring any major breakthroughs with his behavior, I don't think it would be wise to stay two more years and delay therapy/school. We really need to come home next summer to see family anyway, and I can't bear the thought of enduring the 30 hours of travel and 12 hour time change with two small children for anything more than a one-way trip.

Without further ado…

DH monthly income $3k (SE contractor, steady and increasing assignments)

Total monthly expenses $1400 (6 month average of actual outflow, minus rental mortgage/expenses). I could work out the breakdown, but expenses are already so low that it doesn't seem worth the effort to bother detailing where every dollar goes. I am naturally intentional about our spending, and DH is really pretty careful too. Excess cash is piling up in high-yield savings until we figure out what our next move will be. I plan to contribute $12k to our ROTHs and maybe open up a solo 401k for DH?

Rental mortgage PITI+trash $1500
Rental income $2000
Cash flows +$500, but if I run a proper calculator that accounts for turnover, maintenance and management fees (a friend is managing it for free right now) it works out to +$200. No major maintenance expected in the next few years; it is a higher-end rental for our area. The lease is up September 1st, but current tenants have not given 60 day notice and are expecting child #2 in September so we anticipate they will stay at least through the winter. ROI calculation comes in at 7% so it really isn't a great long-term rental.

Taxes: $2.4k ($5.2k SE, $-2.8k federal, $0 state) I think that's how it will work out? I think we can actually do ROTH conversion on $18-20k for free as well; any non-refundable credits will get wasted otherwise. When we move home we may qualify for the EITC, further reducing our SE tax burden.

ASSETS
House: Owe $134k @4.375% 12 years remaining, EMV Zillow $320k, Redfin $400k. Purchased for $300k in 2013. We made the mistake of paying extra on our mortgage for years and now realize how stupid that was. Not sure how to undo that one; maybe we can refinance in the future?

Not really an asset, but we kept one car and my dad is driving it occasionally to keep it decent. 2008 Toyota Yaris

ROTH IRAs: $82k
Traditional 401k and IRAs: $112k
Taxable brokerage: $17k
High Yield Savings: $45k
TOTAL: $256k

So here is where it gets complicated. I left an $85k +average bennies and occasional bonuses job that I loved. My position has been filled, but I could probably get a different engineering position within the company for similar pay and bide my time for a position to open up in my department. I know enough about the other departments to know that I would not enjoy it nearly as much and perhaps not at all. I used to be extremely driven, but since having kids I feel like I'm over it. There is a LOT of opportunity for growth in this company, but I guess I don't feel like I have the energy for achievement anymore. Maybe that will change once the kids are in school? There are occasional contracting jobs available which would probably be the best way to stay on their radar without the time-sucking commitment of full time.

I also would really like to have another child. I feel like I didn't get to enjoy the first year of either of their lives because I had to go right back to work. DH and I are both from big families so we always imagined having at least three. But I really don't want another unless I can stay home with baby at least until preschool (3 years old).

1. How long can I stay out of the workforce before I become "unemployable?" I guess the other big problem is that my experience is in a very recession-susceptible industry (aviation), so while they have been steadily hiring engineers for the last seven years, it doesn't mean they will be forever.

2. Is there a way we can make ends meet living in 'Merica on my husband's income? What would be the best way to do that? Keep the house rented out and buy or rent a smaller, less-desirable location place? If I'm not working we could still be location independent, after all. Sell our house and do the above-mentioned? Or, move back into our house and find ways to make extra money?

I consider myself fairly enterprising and have many interests with not enough time to pursue them all. I would love to raise goats for milk and meat, raise chickens for eggs (have done this in the past) and meat, raise a pig for meat, keep bees (have done this too), establish an edible perennial landscape and gardens, tap maple trees (have all the supplies for a small operation, average 8 gallons of syrup a year), get qualified to teach fitness classes, be a ski patrol and/or snowboard instructor, and those are just the things that come to mind at the moment. Our house is in an amazing location and we really love it. I know, emotional attachment to a house is ridiculous;  maybe if we start looking we can find something that suits us better. We have 1.68 acres so can support most of my dreams, but we are technically in the city limits so some of them are not legal (goats, pig, more than 5 chickens but who's counting?).

Another thought I had was to AirBnb the entire house out for a few prime weekends every year (less than 14 days total, to avoid increasing taxable income). It is a busy tourist town and there are a number of event weekends (graduation, marathon, tall ships, sled dog races, etc) every year that max out the hotels in the area.

3. I bet we could get $1k per night, but what do we do with our stuff? Has anyone done this? We usually like to leave town those weekends and visit family anyway because the inundation of people isn't our thing. But I can't picture how it would work; to what extent do we have to move our stuff out? I guess it would be very motivating to keep every room/drawer/closet clean, minimalist, and organized! Seriously though, everyone has that one drawer and closet that you hope no one looks in...

Our expenses if we move back into our house should be (mostly based on actuals from when we lived there last)

Mortgage (PITI): $1450
Trash/Recycling: $25
Electricity: $55
Water, gas, sewer, street lights: $105
Internet: $65
Phones: $50
Auto Insurance: $50
Auto gas, registration, maintenance: $150 (total guess, but certainly generous)
Food: $600
Life Insurance (term for DH and myself): $50
Taxes: $0 (EITC and CTC should wipe out SE)
Health Insurance: ? Free, Medicaid?
Behavioral Therapy: ??

SINKING FUNDS
Medical: $200
New car: $100
Travel: $50
Home maintenance: $100
Clothing: $50
TOTAL: $3100

So, it looks like we would be running short by just a hundred dollars a month. We have excess at the moment, so I'm thinking about bulking up the sinking funds now which would buy us some time to find ways to either increase income or trim spending. We have always been tight with our money, but money has never been tight, if that makes sense. Money world be really tight for the first time ever and it makes me nervous. We've never actually budgeted before, just been mindful.

4. Retirement. This plan allocates zero dollars to retirement savings, which seems like a terrible idea. If we contribute $12k to our ROTHs this year is there any chance we could just let them grow for the next 30 years and be close to our number? DH's job is so flexible that it wouldn't really cramp our style if he had to work until 65, although I don't foresee myself never earning income again. But, for the sake of crunching the numbers, let's say we didn't contribute after this year, where would we be in 30 years? Our asset allocation is relatively aggressive (80/20) with equities divided equally between VTSAX, VFWAX, VFSAX, and IJS (the four-fund approximation of the Ultimate Buy and Hold portfolio).

5. Solo 401k, ROTH conversions, and the EITC. I believe any substantial ROTH conversions will kill our EITC, so 2019 might be the only year we could really convert a good pile (we don't qualify for EITC this year because we aren't living in the US). In addition to the $18-$20k of "free tax space" we expect to have available, do I have this right that we could also pile a bunch of money into a solo 401k (thus even further lowering our taxable income) which would create even more space for free ROTH conversions? Or maybe all of the solo 401k contribution could just be ROTH; I guess that would be less complicated assuming we can open an account like that. We need to sharpen the pencil on how much cash we want to hoard right now because this is an opportunity too good to pass up!

Say we put an additional $20k into a solo 401k this year; now how does the number look in 30 years? $242k @ 6% per year = WOAH! $1.4 million. How about 20 years? $775k.

6. Is 6% a realistic assumption? If so, woohoo!! No more full-time employment for this girl! Bring on the homestead!

So, after getting my thoughts all written down and numbers crunched, my current thought is to move back into our house when we return next June and see if we can find more places to cut or additional streams of income. I'll stay in touch with my previous employer and maybe pick up an occasional contract position to keep my foot in the door (if we decide to go for child #3 this might not happen for another four years). I'll resume my homesteading dreams and see how much we can move the needle on our food costs and also work to barter spare maple syrup, eggs, honey, etc for other needs/homestead expansion supplies. We'll casually peruse the housing market keeping our eyes out for something even more perfect (cheaper, smaller, more land, lower taxes). We have to keep in mind that an occasional contract job will kill our EITC and Medicaid, so will have to be mindful of the pros and cons of keeping that door open. Similarly, DH may have opportunities to continue to increase his workload, but at some point we'll hit a cliff of dramatically diminishing returns.

7. What am I missing? Am I thinking this through in a logical manner? Are there any glaring errors in my estimations?

[stepingum]

Unfortunately, you are probably right about stabilizing #1 before adding a third. It is SO frustrating to have a defiant little monster have so much control over what we do. Seriously, of all the challenges I've tackled, parenting is proving to be by far the most maddening. It is also the most rewarding, so at least there's that 😏

[MayDay]

I have lots of thoughts for you.  I am an engineer who took a career break, I have a really challenging oldest child (now 11) who is gifted, ADHD, and ASD, and who basically killed us as a baby, and I love gardening :).  So hopefully as someone who has gone through it, I can provide some insight.

1.  Career breaks.  I left engineering when my 2nd was born.  At the time I swore I was NEVER going back.  After ~3-4 years off, I was SO READY to go back- because I was no longer broken down (mentally, emotionally, the sleep deprivation, OMG) by those horrible early baby years.  Because I missed adults.  Because I am a smart person and I wasn't using my brain to solve problems!  I had a hard time getting back in, and I basically accomplished it by getting a crappy engineering job with a tiny company, so that I had recent resume experience.  Then I moved on pretty quickly to a job at a bigger company that paid a lot more.  Right now, OF COURSE a good long break sounds great.  Because the little monsters are beating you down. But be really careful, because things change- I would strongly encourage you to keep your foot in the door.  Also keep in mind that you don't have to stay in aviation- it doesn't always pay that great, and your skills are transferable.  I am a ChemE and I moved from adhesives to the building materials industry.  Even if you want to be mostly off for a few more years, it is worth it to do contracts regularly to keep fresh and keep your foot in the door.  Also, ask them if you can work PT- if you work 15 hours/week, for example, hire a sitter for 20-25 to give yourself room to breath.

2.  Challenging kiddos.  Oh yes.  Girl, I have been there and still am.  These kiddos need both time and attention, AND, money.  Everything about raising them is more expensive- you can't just send them to the cheapest camps/daycares/etc- and the special ones cost more.  Therapy is 100$ a session and not always fully covered by insurance.  When I was at home, we made it work by doing things like trading barn mucking for therapeutic riding lessons, and jumping through hoops to get county funding.  Do you know what is easier?  Using my salary to just pay for what he needs.  I watch my less financially secure friends spend hours and hours trying to secure funding for the stuff, and I can write a check.    One way isn't better than the other- before I went back to work, DS definitely got more attention from me.  I'm glad I stayed home for a few years- but it was also a huge risk that happened to work out for me.

At the end of the day- it is really really challenging to parent a kid like this.  It is a marathon, not a sprint.  And you can't know what the future holds- but do try to think long term.  Don't wear yourself out now, and try to plan for the future as much as you can.

3.  Gardening/Homesteading.  This is a lovely hobby but don't kid yourself that it will bring in income.  You will spend so much time and effort on it, trying to make a small income, that you will spend that on conveniences because you are exhausted.  I love it my garden- and when I didn't work I really threw myself into canning and preserving and trying to eat as much as could from the garden.  But at the end of the day (for me) it is much better kept as a hobby.  It can too quickly become a stressful burden.  Your mileage will vary of course- but try to REALLY be realistic about it. 

So what should you do?  It does sound like your oldest would do well to be back in the US so he can access therapy.  I would suggest you go ahead and move back.  For me personally with young kids, I would want to be in my own house, but it would no doubt be cheaper to keep renting yours and live in a small cheap apartment.  But that would make me miserable personally. 

I would suggest moving back into your house, having the third if you are really sure (pretty much assume you will get another kid like #1- do you still want to do it? If not, put your energy towards the kids you have).  As far as whether the struggles #1 has should affect having a 3rd- its hard to say from a few paragraphs written online.  I know my DS would be absolutely and totally fine with a baby- he is a challenging kid, but its because he is wired differently than society is set up for.  You know your kiddo.  Then when you get back, baby or no, I would advise you to keep working enough to pad the budget a bit, both for retirement savings, and therapy.  And keep your foot in the door for the next 2-4 years until you are ready to go back FT (or even maybe PT forever).  Once you have kids in school, a PT engineering salary is still nothing to sneeze at- and it keeps you ready to go FT is you ever had to (or wanted to).  I know it can be hard to believe now, but you likely will get your career drive back at some point- and maybe you will aim it towards engineering or maybe not.  But I'd at least keep the option open.

[stepingum]

Wow @MayDay , thank you for the helpful advice!

I really loved my job and miss it, I just hated that I always felt like the slacker because I was only putting in 50 hour work weeks. And my husband and #1 were not doing well without me so it was hard to focus. I really miss being around smart people and feeling challenged (let's face it, putting the same 48 piece puzzle together 3 dozen times a day doesn't exactly challenge my faculties), but my family really needs me. Work-life balance is no joke!

I really enjoy aviation (I was actually an airline pilot for six years before switching to flight test engineering), but it is rather limiting, I realize. I don't really know how well my skills would transfer; I have a mechanical engineering degree but all of my experience is in flight test (which, in some ways covers a really broad spectrum of engineering, but is light on modeling and computations). Unfortunately, PT doesn't seem to be an option that I've been able to find, because that would be perfect! Contracting seems like a pretty good compromise, so I'll be watching for those opportunities to pop up.

Therapy for #1 will almost certainly be required, but I am intimidated by the whole process. I want to start with parent child interaction therapy; do we need a referral? HOW do I figure out Insurance coverage stuff or even how much it costs out of pocket? We've been fortunate enough to essentially avoid the healthcare system disaster so far (we even had homebirths and paid cash), but as a result I have no idea how any of it works. Then again, does anyone know how it works? Does it even work? (sarcasm, sorry) UGH! I keep just hoping the problem will go away or I can read more parenting books and fix the problem myself.

I don't expect to make any money homesteading, but I was hoping to shave a little off our food budget ($100 a month?) and also dramatically increase consumption of healthy foods. I have a really hard time paying for good meat and produce, but I feel guilty feeding the hormone/pesticide/antibiotic-laden crap to my family.

[fuzzy math]

A few thoughts on your DS #1

My first born was a lot like yours. Not a screamer, but extremely opinionated, defiant, difficult etc. He was more of the "i'm going to attack you" variety than just scream.
A few years later, things seemed to calm down as he aged, matured and went into the gifted program. Then the ODD, anxiety etc came out and life got difficult again.

He was finally diagnosed with autism at age 12, after every other possible diagnosis was ruled in or out. I just want to prepare you for that possibility. High functioning (gifted) kids with ASD are often mislabeled. A diagnosis of ADHD on average will delay an ASD diagnosis by 2 years because the symptoms mask each other.

You're going to be moving a difficult child to a new country (he likely will have forgotten the US in a year), enrolling him in therapy / psychology / psychiatry and starting school. Renting means you may end up moving to a different school district (or even school zone within the same district) when you buy or move back into your home. It means getting re-established with new mental health providers if you land in a different city initially. It means a million meetings with your kid's school and the counselors there. Since you have time, I urge you to think about a permanent plan. Part of my kiddo's 17 pg diagnostic autism report is not to move him any more as ASD kids don't do well with change. Even if your kid doesn't end up with ASD, the ODD alone is enough of a difficulty to deal with that my advice would remain the same.

Also, since you garden and hobby farm you'd be best off getting back into your original property or just buying a new place. You won't be able to do many of those things in 99% of rentals. I also think your estimate of $1k a night for an AirBNB is highly inflated.

Mortgage rates are currently really low and you could get a better rate if you were occupying your home. If they're still low in a year, you'd do well to refinance. I believe the fed is talking about cutting rates this summer/fall so you may be in luck. Refinancing it as a rental, you'd probably end up with the same rate you have now.

[MayDay]

Regarding what to do for your son: make an appointment with a developmental pediatrician (they book 6-12 months out in some cities so plan ahead) and with the school district for an early intervention evaluation. They will help you with the process.

[stepingum]

@fuzzy math Thank you for your insight. I still feel like we are new to this parenting thing so advice is most appreciated, especially from parents with neuro-atypical children that are more likely to"get it."

I'll admit I'm fairly ignorant in regards to ASD; why can it be so hard to diagnose? Our boy is extremely social with kids his age and adults, makes eye contact while telling elaborate stories and doesn't seem to have any sensory issues. I feel like all those things clearly rule out ASD, but maybe I'm wrong? His big problem is he thinks he is equal to us and doesn't understand why we get to tell him what to do. He LOVES learning about something and then acting like the authority on the matter and informing the other parent (for example, where we are going, how to get there, and why we are going).

[fuzzy math]

My kid was a lot like yours except the eye contact is iffy. It was better for a number of years when he was beginning school aged. But being authoritative / ODD is somewhat of an overlap with ASD. My kid can speak on a subject forever, but struggles to remain interested in what others are saying. He has always preferred to talk to adults, and always makes himself the leader when playing with other kids, ordering them around. He was the kid who memorized everything and could recite facts all day long.  He was diagnosed with ODD before autism (so I'm not even sure he has the ODD diagnosis now) because autistic kids think in black and white terms, and struggle to compromise or see another way of doing things. He tries to step in behind us to parent his siblings. He has kind of a flat affect at times. He struggles with organization and planning. Most people are surprised to hear his diagnosis because he is very high functioning.

Again, I'm not saying ASD for your kiddo for certain, but the ODD / gifted thing can be quite challenging, especially if your DS treats his teachers the same way he treats you. A child psychologist can do the appropriate testing to figure out what (if ) he has, assuming that things don't calm down with starting school. Your kid could also be very bored, and being the oldest kid can inflate their ego and make them feel entitled to act like a little mini parent.

School districts vary a lot in terms of services offered. We've been in districts where the gifted program only offers differentiated instruction in the classroom (i.e., a teacher might slip your kid an extra worksheet if they think about it, or they might ask a parent volunteer to teach a subject for a pull out lesson). I've seen ones where the kid is 100% in a special program. Right now our elementary buses kids 1 day a week for gifted instruction, and in middle school its a course they take for an hour. The more time in the gifted program around similar kids is better. So since you are evaluating places to move, search for Gifted on the local school district site to see what is offered.

[Seagal]

I don't want to derail your thread with armchair mental-health diagnoses, but maybe just do a quick web-search on Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and see if it resonates at all.  It is an autism spectrum disorder behavioral profile that can be mistaken for ODD but is really rooted in extreme anxiety.  In many ways, PDAers don't present with some of the usual autism mannerisms/traits.

[stepingum]

So, paperwork and landlord issues (he was in law enforcement and super shady) basically chased us out and we're back in the US. We survived the terrible jet lag (kids seriously don't get it), my husband's hours got cut literally less than a week after we returned, I interviewed for my old position a few days after that, and now we're back in the same everyday rat race we ran away from in the first place. I got my job back at the same pay and vacation I had left, so I guess that's a win. But I'm a bit disgruntled to have the kids back in daycare and me trying to do all the things, all the time.

What keeps me going is the goal of retiring in seven years. I would much prefer time now with my children, but at least I got 15 months while they were small. I've given up hope of another child because I refuse to go back to work at 12 weeks post partem again, and in seven years I'll be way too old. I'm going to start a journal to track our progress to retirement!

[BicycleB]

Thanks for the update! The Russia exit, like the whole period, must have been quite the adventure.

Good luck in your new old life, too.

Reading your post, I wish for a better solution (calmer job, magic resistance to work demands similar to SwordGuy post below, hubby doing more stuff so your life is easier, son1 getting easier as he ages/gets support, etc) but realize you've no doubt looked already. I guess pushing for one now is a time suck in a busy new routine. Still, I hope one comes up. Best wishes.

https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/profile/?area=showposts;u=2324
PS. ^SwordGuy's methods didn't always produce fewer work hours, just higher results per hour. But he did draw a line versus extra hours. Of course you probably are too! Again, best wishes.