Author Topic: What to do about my mom  (Read 4979 times)

P1

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What to do about my mom
« on: September 23, 2015, 09:47:24 PM »
This is somewhat like the deadbeat parent thread already on this forum but this is my situation.

Right now my mom and girlfriend live with me, since I foot most of the bills. My mom had been living with some friends for years. She basically let them rob her blind in exchange for "free" rent and pot, as all my mom really wants to do in life is sit around and smoke weed. She hasn't worked full time since she was about 50, and she'll be 57 October.

She blames health issues stating that she's now an insomniac and can't function at work full time anymore. To be fair she was a surgical tech and worked on her feet all day for 25 years including a lot of overtime, so I can buy that she was exhausted and needed a break. During this time she got a lump sum disability settlement of about $30,000 and claims she never got anymore.

So about a year ago she runs out of money and the friends kick her out. I was living in a 1 bedroom at the time and didn't really want her living on my couch so we found her a room to rent and she found part time work as a caregiver. Being her loving son, I footed the bill to rent the Uhaul and pay some friends to help move her.

 Anyway, she didn't feel like she could smoke her weed in that house, so she'd come over to my house every weekend and since my dipshit neighbors all smoked weed outside all day every day she found someone to get weed from and she slowly started spending more time "visiting" me so she could smoke her weed and get a free meal from my girlfriend. She quickly started telling us how horrible it was to live there and how she couldn't afford it.

 So my girlfriend convinces me when my lease is up a couple months later to get a two bedroom and let her move in. It's my mom after all, and she has no one else as I have no siblings and she's spent her whole life alienating anyone who has ever cared about her, so I'm all she's got. We figured she'd be a help around the house. Also I told her as I literally can't afford a two bedroom on my own she has to pay the difference between my old apartment and the new, which is $400 a month (cheaper than the $500+ to rent a room most places around here)

We were wrong. Supposedly she doesn't smoke weed anymore as she can't find new neighbors to supply her. Anyway she doesn't do shit. She just sits around watching my tv all day as before I found MMM I bought a redonkulously huge tv. She doesn't help clean, and my girlfriend hates feeling like her maid cleaning up after her. If she starts cleaning while my mom is in the living room mom will just sit there and let the girlfriend clean around here.

Considering she's not that old, and not actually disabled or dying or anything, I'm pretty damn frustrated with this set up. Mom expects me to cart her around with me the rest of her life but that could easily be another 20+ years. I can't be miserable the next 20 years watching her sit there and do nothing, plus all the fights the girlfriend starts because she gets mad about it. I don't think I'd find another girl to be serious with me either if this drives us apart.

So what can I do? It's my mom and I love her but I can't let her live with me for the next 20 whatever years. But without me she's got nowhere else to go. I'd feel pretty guilty letting her be homeless and that's the only reason I let her stay as is. Can I look into assisted living? If so what happens to her if she loses her income? Any other solutions?

I've talked to her about pulling her weight, and all that leads is her to clean one thing one time, announce to me that she did in fact clean like it a little kid doing a chore, and then she's back to being a bump on a log the rest of the time.

okits

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Re: What to do about my mom
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2015, 10:00:49 PM »
So she contributes nothing, financially?  Then the trigger/excuse is easy: "we can't afford rent on this place so we're moving out.  Into a 1-br. Without you."

She may be far more resilient than you give her credit for, she just doesn't need to be because she's mooching off you and your GF.  See how she fends for herself if she has no choice. If she ends up living under a bridge you can step in to assist in arranging help from whatever social programs exist in your area.

You may be able to find another partner who will put up with your mom if you're financially supporting that partner, but for your own sake being your mom's enabler isn't a good way to live.

Kaikou

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Re: What to do about my mom
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2015, 10:07:49 PM »
This goes back to having a plan AHEAD of time.

Take a look at the one thread with the young lady who had her Dad on her credit card and parents who wanted her to cosign for her brothers edu.

You are in a world of hurt, but it needs to be done.

Check out the book BOUNDARIES from your local library.

If it was me, I would lay out on paper exactly what you want your Mom to do as a roommate. Is rent being split 3 ways? The roommate plan has to be explicit, measurable, and SMART. Have her sign it.

If tha works, I would than work on getting her working etc. And out on her own. There's just too much wrong with the situation to pull it all out at once.

If she balks, start the process of eviction.

P1

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Re: What to do about my mom
« Reply #3 on: September 23, 2015, 10:28:16 PM »
So she contributes nothing, financially?  Then the trigger/excuse is easy: "we can't afford rent on this place so we're moving out.  Into a 1-br. Without you."

She may be far more resilient than you give her credit for, she just doesn't need to be because she's mooching off you and your GF.  See how she fends for herself if she has no choice. If she ends up living under a bridge you can step in to assist in arranging help from whatever social programs exist in your area.

You may be able to find another partner who will put up with your mom if you're financially supporting that partner, but for your own sake being your mom's enabler isn't a good way to live.

She does pay $400 a month, in case it's buried in my walls of texts. But if anything happens she won't offer a dime. She didn't offer to help with the costs of moving her in here, when we found out this place has a washer/dryer hook up and I bought a used washer and dryer she didn't offer up any money though she uses it all the time to wash her clothes. When the fridge went out and I got a replacement, she didn't offer up any money then. If I ever have to move again I know she won't offer to help with the costs.

okits

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Re: What to do about my mom
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2015, 10:56:01 PM »
Well, at least the $400/month is something. It sounds like you've worked yourself into a relationship dynamic where you are basically supporting your mom and GF. Why would your mom offer any extra money towards capital costs when you're the breadwinner and already pay for everything else, anyway?

"We want our privacy" is a good enough reason to still move out, if she doesn't understand the "pulling your own weight" reason.  She might get mad but if you're all that she has in her life she'll be back, especially if she's the type to come by in hopes of a free meal (or other assistance.) I would even go so far as paying her a few hundred a month so she can live on her own again. It would get her out of your home and you can easily cut it off if it gets used for drugs and not legitimate living expenses.

I'm sorry this is your situation, it isn't an easy one.

Frankies Girl

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Re: What to do about my mom
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2015, 11:23:19 PM »
Have you sat her down (without the girlfriend present) and had a real talk with her? As in "mom, I love you, but I can't be supporting you for the rest of your life. If you want to remain room mates, then I need you to start doing things around here like take out the trash, clean the bathroom, cook X number of meals per week and tidy up things at least once a week, and in the event that there are household expenses, like the washer and dryer we bought, then you have to chip in for your share. If you can't or won't do this, then I need you to move out, and I'll no longer be taking care of your rent or other incidentals. This is a standard thing for room mates - we all chip in and do chores around the house equally, or else we find new room mates."

And if she says she can't or won't get a full time job, then suggest a part time job. If she can't do that, then tell her that when the lease is up on the current place, she will be on her own, so she has until then to figure out what she's going to do. She's had 7 years to not work; it's time to get her shit together and get back out there and be an adult.

And you definitely need to do some research and reading on boundaries. I'd suggest reading a few books - Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, and maybe the book Toxic Parents (same auhor, might be more toxic than what you're dealing with, but there's some good insight stuff in there) because your mom sounds pretty messed up and that's bound to have screwed you up a little - I speak from experience on that one. ;)

Like if she comes over too often, tell her that she can visit on X day, but now is not a good time, and don't even let her in the door. Polite but firm - "So sorry mom, but now is not a good time. Should have called first and saved yourself the trip." and shut door. If she calls to say she is heading over and it's not a good time for you, same thing "Sorry mom, can't do it tonight. But what about Sunday?" and if she screams/cries then tell her sorry she's feeling that way, and you'll talk to her when she's calmer... and hang up.

And not sure how you interact with your girlfriend, but maybe make sure that she's not using you in the same way. You mention that she also lives with you, but you're footing most of the bills. She needs to be pulling her weight as well, an it seems a bit hypocritical of her to push you to get your mom to move out when she's not contributing her fair share and is also technically mooching off of you too.

Seems possible, but hard to tell from the info you provided. But if I was you, I'd move and just live alone for a little while to figure out who you are and what you want and build a strong backbone to keep people from using and manipulating you. (not judging you - just think you are someone that sounds like you are too nice for your own good, and some folks can sense this and will take advantage of you).

« Last Edit: September 24, 2015, 01:44:33 AM by Frankies Girl »

MDM

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Re: What to do about my mom
« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2015, 12:04:06 AM »
She just sits around watching my tv all day....

So what can I do? ...without me she's got nowhere else to go.
...assisted living...what happens to her if she loses her income?
Somewhat kidding but not really: disconnect the TV.  Up to you to define "disconnect".

What income does she have?  What assets?  Upcoming pension and/or social security (on her own and/or from spousal income)? 

babysnowbyrd

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Re: What to do about my mom
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2015, 01:23:37 AM »
^^^

TV can suck so much of your life away without you even noticing. Cancel the cable/Netflix, and/or sell the giant TV.

Then let us know what happens then.

ltt

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Re: What to do about my mom
« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2015, 04:34:33 AM »
Your mom doesn't need assisted living; she needs a purpose.  I'm just a few years younger than your mom.  Where is her income coming from now?  Disability?  Is she capable of working some type of sit-down job??  Can you help her apply for a job?  Are there any jobs close by to where you live where she would be able to work so that she could walk to work?  If you can help her get on her feet with work, then help her to move (maybe somewhere close by you).

This is a tough place to be.  Would you be comfortable in telling her that the weed has to go?   

CowboyAndIndian

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Re: What to do about my mom
« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2015, 05:57:38 AM »
She worked for 25 years straight and then suddenly becomes incapable of doing anything.

Have you considered depression or a mental illness? 

ShoulderThingThatGoesUp

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Re: What to do about my mom
« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2015, 06:19:19 AM »
Sell the TV, you said it was a mistake to buy anyways.

What does your girlfriend think you should do?

Does your girlfriend have a job?

Where does your mom get $400 a month from, anyways?