Wedding attendence dilema

[FreshPrincess]

Lighten up.  Your sisters getting married.  Go on vacation.  Enjoy yourselves. 

[Dicey]

Sorry, limited time to read all the comments.

If your sister died unexpectedly, would you regret not dancing at her wedding? If the answer is yes: Travel hack.

[I'm a red panda]

People don't get married at destination weddings, they get maried at home (where I get paid to witness), then fly to the destination for a fake wedding.

Not always. Often the actual marriage (aka- with legal license) does indeed take place at the destination.

[Jouer]

As someone who got married at a destination wedding, I certainly didn't expect everyone invited to attend. We had about 40 whereas it would have been over 100 if we did it in-town. Of course, what is in-town? I'm from half way across the country from where I live now and my wife is from somewhere else not close to where we live. People were going to travel regardless, so we did what we wanted to do. I had very close friends not come because of money and I was quick to let them know that was a legit reason and not to sweat it. There was no expectation to come....it was an invitation to come if they wanted/could.

Having said all that, when my closest friend announced he was getting married at an expensive all-inclusive, I grumbled to my wife briefly about the price but I was always 100% in. Just had to figure out what was being removed from the travel/entertainment budget for that year.

(By the way, our actual wedding was in the Caribbean. It wasn't some fake wedding.)

[20957]

If you guys decide not to go, be aware that your family is probably going to believe it's your wife's fault, and their relationship will get even worse.  I would go, but then I was willing to plan my pregnancy around my sister's wedding, so, you know, different strokes. 

[Cali]

If you love your sister you go. If you just like or tolerate your sister and/or dislike her fiance you skip it.

I would do anything for my sister. Thankfully she’s even more frugal than I am so I’ll never have to worry that she’ll expect me to participate in something like this.

[Prairie Stash]

People don't get married at destination weddings, they get maried at home (where I get paid to witness), then fly to the destination for a fake wedding.

Not always. Often the actual marriage (aka- with legal license) does indeed take place at the destination.

That's fair, I was being mean spirited. No one knows how many are fake, I'm sure many are real. I'll take it back.

This thread annoyed me personally with all the people who say that the OP will regret it. I have second hand experience in missing a siblings wedding (sister missed my brothers destination wedding). I honestly believe that a person getting married should consider their guests as well or STFU if people can't attend. If a person is cool with people missing out, have a destination wedding. If a person is not cool, then they are a inconsiderate jerk. This applies to everything in life, if you make a choice that is very inconvenient to others, you can't complain afterwards if people don't bend your way. Its a rule of life, don't be a jerk and complain after.

TL/DR If you plan a destination wedding, you're a jerk only if you complain about the people who can't attend. You are an awesome person if you don't complain and consider the needs of others.

@Jouer - no complaining after, awesome person
@OP - sister complains after, that's rude behaviour

The best etiquette I've witnessed is the ceremony in a far off place, the reception locally. It caters to all guests and values each person, not just the wealthier, healthier guests. That ended up happening for my brother, our sister was able to attend and partake in the celebration. Without the reception, it would have been rude.

[I'm a red panda]

People don't get married at destination weddings, they get maried at home (where I get paid to witness), then fly to the destination for a fake wedding.

Not always. Often the actual marriage (aka- with legal license) does indeed take place at the destination.

That's fair, I was being mean spirited. No one knows how many are fake, I'm sure many are real. I'll take it back.

This thread annoyed me personally with all the people who say that the OP will regret it. I have second hand experience in missing a siblings wedding (sister missed my brothers destination wedding). I honestly believe that a person getting married should consider their guests as well or STFU if people can't attend. If a person is cool with people missing out, have a destination wedding. If a person is not cool, then they are a inconsiderate jerk. This applies to everything in life, if you make a choice that is very inconvenient to others, you can't complain afterwards if people don't bend your way. Its a rule of life, don't be a jerk and complain after.

TL/DR If you plan a destination wedding, you're a jerk only if you complain about the people who can't attend. You are an awesome person if you don't complain and consider the needs of others.

@Jouer - no complaining after, awesome person
@OP - sister complains after, that's rude behaviour

The best etiquette I've witnessed is the ceremony in a far off place, the reception locally. It caters to all guests and values each person, not just the wealthier, healthier guests. That ended up happening for my brother, our sister was able to attend and partake in the celebration. Without the reception, it would have been rude.

Emphasis mine.

To be fair, as someone else pointed out- depending on which country her fiance is from, this may actually be catering to the guests.  Visas to enter the US are expensive and can be very difficult to get depending on the country.  Tourist visa's to the US are like $160 (nonrefundable even if denied) and require an interview at the embassy (time off work, travel); the wait to get an embassy appointment can be 6-8 weeks.


Or maybe the fiance is Chilean, they don't need visas, and the destination is just as PITA for that side of the family as it is for the original poster.  But ONE side of the family is going to have to travel either way. If she held the wedding by fiance's family, her family would have to travel. If she held the wedding by her family, fiance's family will have to travel.  Here they all do.

I don't think OP needs to go; and I think him hosting a reception at home would go a long way towards good will to sister; but I don't think sister is in anyway being inconsiderate by her wedding plans. They are HER plans.

[Prairie Stash]

People don't get married at destination weddings, they get maried at home (where I get paid to witness), then fly to the destination for a fake wedding.

Not always. Often the actual marriage (aka- with legal license) does indeed take place at the destination.

That's fair, I was being mean spirited. No one knows how many are fake, I'm sure many are real. I'll take it back.

This thread annoyed me personally with all the people who say that the OP will regret it. I have second hand experience in missing a siblings wedding (sister missed my brothers destination wedding). I honestly believe that a person getting married should consider their guests as well or STFU if people can't attend. If a person is cool with people missing out, have a destination wedding. If a person is not cool, then they are a inconsiderate jerk. This applies to everything in life, if you make a choice that is very inconvenient to others, you can't complain afterwards if people don't bend your way. Its a rule of life, don't be a jerk and complain after.

TL/DR If you plan a destination wedding, you're a jerk only if you complain about the people who can't attend. You are an awesome person if you don't complain and consider the needs of others.

@Jouer - no complaining after, awesome person
@OP - sister complains after, that's rude behaviour

The best etiquette I've witnessed is the ceremony in a far off place, the reception locally. It caters to all guests and values each person, not just the wealthier, healthier guests. That ended up happening for my brother, our sister was able to attend and partake in the celebration. Without the reception, it would have been rude.

The bride and groom chose a destination between where her family lives and where his family lives. No matter what it's inconvenient to some of the guests. The best etiquette you mention above only works if everyone lives "locally." I have family in 6 different states and 4 different countries. Should I have had a reception in all of those places so I wouldn't be rude?

In fact since OP doesn't live in either of those 2 places, he would have had to travel no matter what. And there's a difference between missing a sibling's wedding due to things completely out of your control and just being cheap and not wanting to spend the money on them.

Nothing I wrote disageed with your response. 

I wrote, if its inconvenient to guests, and you COMPLAIN, then you're rude and a jerk. The etiquette is whether the host complains or not afterwards. Attendance isn't the issue, its being shamed afterwards that has everyone concerned.

Did you hold a grudge against people who lived out of country not atending your wedding? I had the same issue, I have no grudge against people unable to attend. I know several people who have missed sibling weddings due to geography, its not unheard of.

[Prairie Stash]

Emphasis mine.

To be fair, as someone else pointed out- depending on which country her fiance is from, this may actually be catering to the guests.  Visas to enter the US are expensive and can be very difficult to get depending on the country.  Tourist visa's to the US are like $160 (nonrefundable even if denied) and require an interview at the embassy (time off work, travel); the wait to get an embassy appointment can be 6-8 weeks.

Or maybe the fiance is Chilean, they don't need visas, and the destination is just as PITA for that side of the family as it is for the original poster.  But ONE side of the family is going to have to travel either way. If she held the wedding by fiance's family, her family would have to travel. If she held the wedding by her family, fiance's family will have to travel.  Here they all do.

I don't think OP needs to go; and I think him hosting a reception at home would go a long way towards good will to sister; but I don't think sister is in anyway being inconsiderate by her wedding plans. They are HER plans.

Yes they are HER plans, I don't disagree. They are also HER actions afterwards. She can have her day and complain, but ultimately, its Her choice to be happy or complaining.

I required attendance from 4 people at my wedding, my wife, the priest and the witneses, the rest were a hazy periphery. I can't recall if my brother was there or not, I think he missed it (it was shortly after my niece was diagnosed with a major illness, it was a rough year).

A bride and groom can most certainly have a wonderful destination wedding. But complaining after that some people were unable to attend is the social faux pas; my brother mentioned a year prior that poor relations may not be coming for his until it was pointed out he could pay for them or shut up. He ended up paying, he realized he was behaving rudely and corrected himself, he's polite. He got what he wanted, he realized his choices, then fixed the situation so as to make everyone better off.

Forcing attendance with a fear of reprisal is just wrong. Everyone who attended my wedding did so out of desire; not a single person was worried I would mind if they didn't show. In reality, thats what everyone wants, people to come because they desire to be there, not because they fear hearing about it after. Happy people make far better guests than those who are begrudginly in attendance.

The reception is for people who want everyone to celebrate. I think we agree, its a very reasonable alternative for some that should be investigated early on. Its not for everyone, there is no single solution.

[charis]

Emphasis mine.

To be fair, as someone else pointed out- depending on which country her fiance is from, this may actually be catering to the guests.  Visas to enter the US are expensive and can be very difficult to get depending on the country.  Tourist visa's to the US are like $160 (nonrefundable even if denied) and require an interview at the embassy (time off work, travel); the wait to get an embassy appointment can be 6-8 weeks.

Or maybe the fiance is Chilean, they don't need visas, and the destination is just as PITA for that side of the family as it is for the original poster.  But ONE side of the family is going to have to travel either way. If she held the wedding by fiance's family, her family would have to travel. If she held the wedding by her family, fiance's family will have to travel.  Here they all do.

I don't think OP needs to go; and I think him hosting a reception at home would go a long way towards good will to sister; but I don't think sister is in anyway being inconsiderate by her wedding plans. They are HER plans.

Yes they are HER plans, I don't disagree. They are also HER actions afterwards. She can have her day and complain, but ultimately, its Her choice to be happy or complaining.

I required attendance from 4 people at my wedding, my wife, the priest and the witneses, the rest were a hazy periphery. I can't recall if my brother was there or not, I think he missed it (it was shortly after my niece was diagnosed with a major illness, it was a rough year).

A bride and groom can most certainly have a wonderful destination wedding. But complaining after that some people were unable to attend is the social faux pas; my brother mentioned a year prior that poor relations may not be coming for his until it was pointed out he could pay for them or shut up. He ended up paying, he realized he was behaving rudely and corrected himself, he's polite. He got what he wanted, he realized his choices, then fixed the situation so as to make everyone better off.

Forcing attendance with a fear of reprisal is just wrong. Everyone who attended my wedding did so out of desire; not a single person was worried I would mind if they didn't show. In reality, thats what everyone wants, people to come because they desire to be there, not because they fear hearing about it after. Happy people make far better guests than those who are begrudginly in attendance.

The reception is for people who want everyone to celebrate. I think we agree, its a very reasonable alternative for some that should be investigated early on. Its not for everyone, there is no single solution.

Not sure why we are still debating this because the OP is long gone, but no one said anything about the sister complaining, so not sure why you are so focused on that.  I think the OP mentioned that his parents would probably be upset.  Most people suggested that he was overreacting and should go if he could afford it or he might regret missing it later.  That's perfectly valid suggestion based on many people's experiences.   Since it's been made clear that the location was chosen to make it convenient  to both families, I think your emphasis on the "destination" aspect of the wedding is a bit much.

[Awesomeness]

Yes I think destination weddings are ridiculous and I hate family drama.  But really if you can afford it with no problem I’d go. Putting myself in your shoes it’s not a crazy amount of money to spend and it sounds like a neat place to see.   I’d put my feelings aside and find the the good in it and make it a great time. Surely there’s family you’d like to see or something you and your wife could sneak off and do together that you’d enjoy. Sounds like a short trip too so make the best of it.

If you go and just be muffed the whole time you’re there, don’t go. 

If you have a good marriage I think a wedding can be romantic so take advantage of that too.  Personally I’m 7 months out from my divorce and I’m attending my nieces wedding in a month.  I won’t lie it’s making me nervous but I’m going. I’d rather not and really hope it doesn’t trigger me too bad or make me feel like shit.  It’s combined with a trip that includes seeing everyone in my family and we’re burying my moms ashes too so I really have to go. 

[iris lily]

WHat bugs me about these lng distance weddings is the several days of precious bacation time I had to take from work. And then, oh yeah, its not in any place I would choose to go to on vacation.

[Prairie Stash]

The dilema: My sister has this ridiculous vision of weddings and believes she has to have her "dream" wedding on the beach with all the fancy decorations. This means it will be held at an all-inclusive resort in the hottest part of the summer, most likely the Dominican Republic. According to the numbers we've gotten, it will cost $1500-2000 for airfare and lodging for a 3 night stay for my wife and I. Since they must get married in the US for the license to be valid, I've tried to convince her to have a small wedding with family at home and then honeymoon to the Carribean and celebrate with his family there. This was shut down immediately, of course.

Am I the only one who thinks it's ridiculous to ask people to spend at least $750/person just to attend your wedding? Can we afford the trip? Yes, but I have zero desire to spend our hard-earned money (and vacation days) on a trip to the Carribean in the middle of July. As my parents liken not attending to betrayal, we are really struggling with this decision. Any advice is appreciated!!

Not sure why we are still debating this because the OP is long gone, but no one said anything about the sister complaining, so not sure why you are so focused on that.  I think the OP mentioned that his parents would probably be upset.  Most people suggested that he was overreacting and should go if he could afford it or he might regret missing it later.  That's perfectly valid suggestion based on many people's experiences.   Since it's been made clear that the location was chosen to make it convenient  to both families, I think your emphasis on the "destination" aspect of the wedding is a bit much.

Its not so much of a debate as clarifying things. As a person who has been the witness for several of these legal ceremonies, which is unique on this thread, I have insight you may not have. In this context I witness strangers, not friends or family, as a paid person for legal signing.

As the OP pointed out, they will not be attending the originalwedding in the carribean, the OP says the ceremony will be in the US, the second ceremony is a repeat . I think the first ceremony is more special then many people believe, feel free to disagree. I think the sister may regret not doing more for the original, I wonder how often that happens.

Knowing that the second ceremony is a recreation, does that change your opinion? If the OP attended the actual ceremony in the US, are they required to attend the after party in the caribbean or is this getting excessive? How many ceremonies for a couple do you typically attend, am I out of touch thinking one is enough?

[partgypsy]

I can understand siblings and immediate relatives missing a wedding due to medical issues, being completely broke, nursing or pregnant. If you are able-bodied, sounds like the cost of the wedding nor taking the time off is no sweat off your back, you would definitely be seen as cheap, petty and selfish to not go, just because "it's not where I would choose to go on vacation".
I eloped at the beach, but my family was very upset that they missed it, and afterwards, I realize I would have done it differently. In the same way I missed my grandmother's funeral because I was in grad school, I needed to grade tests. And then i heard from my family who did go, what a special time it was because they did get to talk to my grandmother's sisters and walk around the town she came from, and having laughs and tears over drinks.   

It's ultimately up to you and your values. Like someone else said, I choose people over money. How many sisters do you have? eta -oh, she's your only sibling. Enjoy your mountain bikes?

[Undecided]

As the OP pointed out, they will not be attending the originalwedding in the carribean, the OP says the ceremony will be in the US, the second ceremony is a repeat .

You don't know this. The OP based his conclusion on a false presumption; he wrote, "since they must get married in the US for the license to be valid," but that's just not true. And the country he mentioned as the most likely destination, the Dominican Republic, does seem to permit tourists to be married there. Maybe the sister will hold a legal ceremony "at home," maybe not; we don't know. Regardless, even if she has a legal ceremony "at home," if she prefers to have her guests attend (together) the other ceremony, don't pretend that showing up at the legal ceremony (which we've heard no indication exists, or that the OP is being requested to attend it) is a substitute.

Knowing that the second ceremony is a recreation, does that change your opinion? If the OP attended the actual ceremony in the US, are they required to attend the after party in the caribbean or is this getting excessive? How many ceremonies for a couple do you typically attend, am I out of touch thinking one is enough?

I think the first ceremony is more special then many people believe, feel free to disagree. I think the sister may regret not doing more for the original, I wonder how often that happens.

You've assumed an awful lot here; I'll just stand on my claim that attending the ceremony to which the couple invites one is likely "more special" in that couple's view. 

[charis]

As the OP pointed out, they will not be attending the originalwedding in the carribean, the OP says the ceremony will be in the US, the second ceremony is a repeat . I think the first ceremony is more special then many people believe, feel free to disagree. I think the sister may regret not doing more for the original, I wonder how often that happens.

Knowing that the second ceremony is a recreation, does that change your opinion? If the OP attended the actual ceremony in the US, are they required to attend the after party in the caribbean or is this getting excessive? How many ceremonies for a couple do you typically attend, am I out of touch thinking one is enough?

What? Where did the OP say they were having more than one ceremony? But, regardless, I've witnessed pre-wedding courthouse ceremonies and attended just post elopement receptions and felt just moved in either situation.

[Prairie Stash]

As the OP pointed out, they will not be attending the original wedding in the Caribbean, the OP says the ceremony will be in the US, the second ceremony is a repeat . I think the first ceremony is more special then many people believe, feel free to disagree. I think the sister may regret not doing more for the original, I wonder how often that happens.

Knowing that the second ceremony is a recreation, does that change your opinion? If the OP attended the actual ceremony in the US, are they required to attend the after party in the Caribbean or is this getting excessive? How many ceremonies for a couple do you typically attend, am I out of touch thinking one is enough?

What? Where did the OP say they were having more than one ceremony? But, regardless, I've witnessed pre-wedding courthouse ceremonies and attended just post elopement receptions and felt just moved in either situation.

Post #1, the OP said there would be a ceremony in the states, then followed by saying there would be a ceremony in the Caribbean. I don't know why, perhaps there are travel restrictions due to a VISA requirement (the OP stated the fiancée was an immigrant, I have no way of knowing their status, lets assume the OP is knowlegeable and I am not). By the original posting, I counted 2 ceremonies were being held, why would anyone assume the OP is wrong?
“Since they must get married in the US for the license to be valid”
“they have decided to have a destination wedding somewhere in the Carribean”

I agree, I get moved every time I witness a wedding, inviting more people is usually the best course of action. I discourage anyone from having a closed courthouse ceremony, around here its $75 and the marriage commissioner will stop at your house, park, or other location. For $25 you get my witness service, I provide a required service and dress up nice, but would you rather have random stranger or a family member at your wedding? Ultimately it’s the couples choice, I’m only there to provide a service. I don’t say anything, I’m just a background person who signs the form, no one ever recalls I’m there.

As you point out, when you've been a witness at a courthouse its a very special event. I sincerely hope the OP attends the ceremony in the states. I assume you also recommend attending the original, they can be lovely no matter where they happen, I feel we agree on this.

[Undecided]

Post #1, the OP said there would be a ceremony in the states, then followed by saying there would be a ceremony in the Caribbean. I don't know why, perhaps there are travel restrictions due to a VISA requirement (the OP stated the fiancée was an immigrant, I have no way of knowing their status, lets assume the OP is knowlegeable and I am not). By the original posting, I counted 2 ceremonies were being held, why would anyone assume the OP is wrong?

Because his assumption (“Since they must get married in the US for the license to be valid”) is false. Regardless, he hasn't said he was being invited to any other ceremony.

[charis]

I did not read the first post to say that, as others did not.  It read to me like the OP was assuming that they would need to get married in the States, not that the sister had already planned two ceremonies.

And my point wasn't that a courthouse ceremony is a very special event (not to suggest that it isn't), but that, in my experience, it may not be any more special than a post elopement event.  A wedding's special-ness depends on the individual circumstances, not some broad generalizations, including your opinion on whether it's best to invite more people.  Usually people have very good reasons for having a closed courthouse wedding.  This is quite off topic and I don't see how one's personal opinion on courthouse ceremonies is relevant here.