Author Topic: Venting & Possibly Depressed  (Read 3487 times)

Broadway2019

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Venting & Possibly Depressed
« on: November 01, 2017, 07:59:26 AM »
I posted here prior and found it very helpful. I managed to climb out of debt this year by selling a rental property and paying off over $80k of student loans.

I have had a lot of ups and downs in the past 12 months which has been really hard.

1) I moved to a new location where I do not have any friends.
2) I started working remotely 100% and manage a team in India.
3) My fiance and I bought a house together.
4) My dad became ill, I had to take a leave of absence from work to care for him. He passed away a few months ago.

So I did something stupid and really need to vent about it because I do not have anyone to talk to. It's embarrassing. I am now back in debt $10k because of gambling. I gambled prior and never won or really lost. It was just fun once in a while. Well, now I realize it has become a problem which I think is due to depression and being isolated. I do go to CrossFit every day but that is my only social activity. Also, I am looking for a new job with more interaction - going into an office at least once a month. I feel crazy just sitting at home by myself for 60+ hours a week staring at a laptop.

I do plan on going to therapy because I have never been so careless before and feel that I am depressed. I did not want to admit my feelings after my father passing and did not realize (until now) that I was using the casino as I way to escape. In addition, I was being his caregiver and did not realize the stress of it all. Looking back I wish I got help sooner and maybe I would not be in the mess.

Luckily my fiance and I make over $200k so can pay this off rather quickly. However, it just sucks that I got out of debt and this happened. Anyway, thank you for reading if you got this far.

rubybeth

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2017, 09:44:29 AM »
I'm sorry, kwarden13. It sounds like you have been dealing with a lot this year, especially the loss of your father. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think therapy is a good idea--they can help decide if it's more of a situational depression, or something longer term. They will help with coping skills. Maybe joining a support group of some kind for those dealing with loss would be good, too.

No face punches from me on the gambling debt--it sounds like you have a plan to pay it off. Do let the therapist know about this, and that you want to stop that habit. I'm very hopeful that things will get better for you, in time.

honeybbq

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2017, 09:53:12 AM »
You seem to have a good plan going forward.

Could you find a support group for gambling and/or addictions? That would help you socialize AND help wean you off your destructive habits. '


Best of luck!

FLBiker

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2017, 11:09:48 AM »
Could you find a support group for gambling and/or addictions? That would help you socialize AND help wean you off your destructive habits. '

+1

Gambling was never really an issue for me (always been too cheap) but I have found a 12 step program to be very helpful.

andreamac

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2017, 04:55:38 PM »
Being a caregiver and losing a parent are both really hard things to deal with, I also went through this with my mother about 5 years ago. I was mildly depressed for about one year after but the only thing that seemed to help was grief counselling. I would highly recommend it. Also I was angry as well as sad, at my siblings and my situation but talking about it helped.

Laura33

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2017, 06:42:34 PM »
First, I am sorry you are dealing with this.  Being a caregiver, losing a parent, and changing jobs are individually stressful; together, they could throw anyone off the rails. 

So I am not going to jump on you, and you shouldn't, either.  Every single one of us fucks up;* the question is what we do about it.  You now know something really, really important about yourself that you had no clue about before: gambling is an appealing escape.  And you figured that out before you went completely out of control, and you make plenty of income to pay off your losses and get back into the black quickly.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, but that's a win:  you were human, you made a crappy choice, but that helped you identify a weakness, and so the next time the world goes into the shitter -- and it will -- you will know what to watch out for.

* You want to talk fuckups?  I cost us $100k + 13 mos. of stress on a house sale once, because I thought I was acting logically/rationally, when in reality I was anything but.  Now *that's* a fuckup.  Yet somehow, 15 years later, I'm FI, despite my best efforts back then.

Islander

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2017, 08:55:02 PM »
If it makes you feel any better my SO lost 200k to the casino. The best thing that can happen is you losing over and over again. When you win you always want more. Just ban yourself from the casino and keep banning yourself when the time comes up. Best of luck.

Grogounet

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2017, 11:20:13 PM »
You're dealing with a lot already...
and:
1/ you actually can see what is wrong: very good start!
2/ For your home office: Is there a shared space, common area where ppl working from home can meet? Usually you don't share a lot about work itself but then catch up for lunch, beers... Good way to sociolize
3/ Therapy might be an option, losing someone so special is tough and that wouldn't harm, that's for sure

As said above, you're on the right path!!

AnnaGrowsAMustache

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2017, 03:18:17 AM »
They call gambling an addiction for a reason. It's very hard to pull yourself out of. Congratulations on identifying the problem, because that's the hardest bit. If I were you, I would look at some outside help or support to get through this.

2Cent

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2017, 04:01:54 AM »
Join an AA group. It's open for all addictions, and you get some social interaction to boot.
For the working from home thing, why not go to a nice diner where it's not too busy and work from there. They don't mind people sticking for a long time as long as you order something every now and then. It's actually nice if the staff comes for a small chat every now and then when it's not busy, or when they come and ask if you would like something to eat or drink. Try out a few places to know where you're comfortable.

Broadway2019

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #10 on: November 02, 2017, 08:14:05 AM »
Thank you, everyone, for the responses! I actually am taking another role in January in my company and although it is still work from home. The team is only about an hour away so I will going into the office every week or 2 weeks.

I think this will greatly improve my situation and am excited to get out of this rut. Now I just need to find a good therapist and just start somewhere with going.

NeonPegasus

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #11 on: November 02, 2017, 08:26:41 AM »
Check out this issue of National Geographic - https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2017/09/the-addicted-brain/. They have a great article on addiction and how it works. Gambling can absolutely be related to depression. Of everything mentioned in the article, I think the mindfulness practice could be especially helpful in your case.

PizzaSteve

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #12 on: November 02, 2017, 08:30:11 AM »
Agree with Laura33 above.

Write it off.  If it helps, think of it as a bad investment decision.  If it makes you feel any better, we all make our own mistakes and have flaws.
« Last Edit: November 02, 2017, 10:27:42 AM by PizzaSteve »

AccidentalMiser

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #13 on: November 02, 2017, 02:12:22 PM »
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but that's a win:  you were human, you made a crappy choice, but that helped you identify a weakness, and so the next time the world goes into the shitter -- and it will -- you will know what to watch out for.
[/quote

This.  If life only charges you 10k for "tuition", you got off cheap.  I took every dollar I had saved for retirement and quit my job, started a business and failed spectacularly.  Three times.  Cost me about 500k and about 15 years of early retirement (conservatively.)  We all have our vices and stories.

Best of luck to you!  Thanks for sharing.

Linea_Norway

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #14 on: November 02, 2017, 02:23:22 PM »
I'm sorry for your situation. At least you are willing to change from now, that is a good start.

I would advice you to join any kind club in your area, to get some more social interaction in the new area. You might want to focus your mind on a whole new hobby.

The change of job that you plan would also work.

Broadway2019

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #15 on: November 07, 2017, 09:54:11 AM »
So I started looking at all my debt from gambling and realize it is $23k. I honestly am in shock I let this happen and am going to see a therapist this week.

Also, I told my fiance about it which was awful and luckily am getting a $5k bonus after taxes in January to pay off some of it. I just can't believe I let it get this bad.

zinnie

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #16 on: November 07, 2017, 10:42:59 AM »
Sorry to hear you've had a rough time recently. Good job identifying the problems and taking steps to resolve them! This is a good sign for you being able to fix it.

Meetup.com is a good way to meet people as well. I've really enjoyed it as a way to meet people after leaving a job and long-term coworker friends behind.

Jaayse

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #17 on: November 07, 2017, 11:27:24 AM »
It takes a lot more courage to face the fact that you need help than it does to keep hiding your problems from yourself.  I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you're having, but recognize that you're doing the right thing and that everyone stumbles.  This will be only a small stumble on your journey.

I second using meetup, I've made a few friends off of there and always had good experiences with it.  Best of luck, you'll be back on track in no time!

Broadway2019

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #18 on: November 07, 2017, 12:18:36 PM »
I am definitely going to join meetup and start going out rather than spending time at the casino.

It got to a point where I didn't even enjoy it anymore. So looking forward to cleaning up this mess. Also, in good news, I officially got a new job that I start in January in the same company. The pay is the same but this transition will be much better. I will be go into a local office every few weeks and have more interaction.

zinnie

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #19 on: November 10, 2017, 09:21:58 AM »
Great update! Onward!

FIRE 20/20

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Re: Venting & Possibly Depressed
« Reply #20 on: November 10, 2017, 10:28:28 AM »
I have a suggestion regarding depression.  There are a lot of different therapies to treat depression, but they don't all work or resonate with each patient.  I'm not a doctor, so please take everything I say here with some skepticism.  Both my reading and my personal experience indicate that exercise, increased social interaction, SAD lamps (during winter), medication, and meditation all have the potential to significantly relieve suffering from depression but many have drawbacks as well.  In addition, different treatments can effect the same person differently at different points in their lives.  When I was in High School, the only thing that I had the motivation to do was medication, and it really helped me.  As an adult I had significant side-effects from medication.  For most of my life exercise alone mitigated the symptoms, but one year I had an injury that happened during a particularly hard time and I had a pretty bad few months.  As an introvert, increasing social interaction brings its own stresses, but I try to get enough to keep me balanced.  The best thing I have found so far is meditation, but as a skeptic I wouldn't have been open to it earlier in my life.  Many people also benefit from counseling.  Finally, I wouldn't assume that fixing the job and staying away from the casino will resolve the issue.  If it's really depression I recommend taking a multi-pronged approach.  If any of the treatments above resonate with you, I would start by talking to your doctor and looking at your options.  If it's really depression fixing the job isn't likely to solve the problem.  For me a mix of exercise, SAD lamp in winter, meditation, and having more social interaction than my introverted personality reverts to combine to keep the symptoms almost completely at bay.  Your mix may be different, and sometimes medication or therapy are really necessary just like antibiotics are sometimes necessary to treat an infection.