Author Topic: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics  (Read 15671 times)

leenygal

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Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« on: December 19, 2014, 10:23:24 AM »
Hi Mustachians,
Is anyone here a young person working full time but living with parents to save money? If so, does anyone:
1.   Have tips for maintaining independence, sanity, and/or privacy?
2.   Have tips for how to handle othersí criticism?

I'm a 23 year old full time tax accountant. (Sexy, I know.) I graduated a year and a half ago from a university in my home city and started working soon after. Because my college was near my parentís house, I lived at home for 3 of my 4 years of school. My current firm is only 10 minutes farther away, so Iíve continued living at home as I work full time.

Over the past year, Iíve saved nearly $40,000 (monthly savings plus a big tax refund and an equally big bonus). My savings rate is 80-85%. I have no student loans (thanks to living at home during college and busting my butt for scholarships/full-time summer work), no credit card balances, and a fully paid used car worth about $10k. My goal is to save $100k of liquid cash by age 25 and buy a townhouse/SF house, which Iíll live in for a few years and then turn into a rental property. Iím actively following the market through my metroís real estate association and am reading everything I can about mortgages, land lording, etc.

I love socking away cash this quickly, but itís difficult to maintain my privacy with both parents and a high school brother in the house. Typical things include asking where Iím going, asking why Iím out late (11 pm on weekends), not being able to have people over, etc. Iíve only taken 5 vacation days this year (out of my 15) because whenever I did, my mother scheduled family errands and gatherings during them, similar to how a mother of a college student schedules gatherings, dentist appointments, etc. for her kids whenever theyíre home from school. She is highly offended when I donít spend vacation with her, so I just stopped taking any days off.

I also take a LOT of flak from my coworkers and friends for living with my parents. The average age of my office is 27, so itís full of lots of young people paying $1100+/month in rent to live alone in condos or luxury apartments.  It used to be weekly snarky remarks from several people on my team. It has died down now, but only because I know who to avoid. My friends and even some extended family members (my godmother, cousins, etc) tell me I need to ďmove on with lifeĒ and ďget out on my own.Ē Even my boyfriend told me heíd never propose (weíve dated for a year and a half) to me until Iíve lived on my own because heíd worry Iím too dependent on others.

I KNOW I shouldnít care what others think, but itís grating. Iím just looking for a shot in the arm to stick with it. I know Iím ďmissing outĒ on learning things like how to set up my utilities and deal with landlords by living at home. But geeze, isnít my long-term goal enough proof of my maturity and desire for independence?

mxt0133

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2014, 10:48:08 AM »
As Taylor Swift says over and over and over again, just shake it off.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM&list=PL346DF7DBE1543575&index=4 (I'm listening to it as I type)

You have a plan and you should stick to it, don't let others distract or discourage you.  However, that doesn't mean that you let them walk all over you.  With regard to your family, I think you need to set up some boundaries.  As politely as you can let them know that you are starting to get annoyed with their questions and that you need some privacy.  With regard to your mother getting upset that you don't want to take vacation with her.  Tell her that you only get limited vacation time and you want to start exploring and just need some down time with no plans if you want when on vacation.  Tell her it's not because you don't want to spend time with her but just need to relax a bit.

As for the friends, I would firmly tell them that their comments are really not appreciated and are getting tedious.  And if that's all they have to say to you then they should just not say anything at all.  If they are friends then tell them your plans and that you don't want to be working for the rest of life.

As for the boyfriends, same deal.  Does he know why you are still at home?  If so then tell him you don't want to marry anyone that doesn't support your goals and gives conditions to who he is going to propose to.  I hope it's not as mean spirited as you make it out to be, but if it is then dump his ass.

Learning to pay your bills and utilities is not rocket science.  If you can save up to 80%+ of your salary it will be a piece of cake.  I would recommend moving out of your place before you purchase a place, just to get a feel for what it is to live on your own.  Do you know how to cook, do your own laundry, know how to handle house repairs, lawn care, ect?  If not then a few months of living on your own or out of your parents house with a roommate would be a good experience.

I lived at my parents until I was 27 and banked my paycheck while my friends were getting new cars, taking fancy vacations, ect.  When I was ready to move out I did not have money problems, paid for my own wedding, and was able to move across the country without fears of quitting my job because I was financially stable.

You're doing it right, 10 years from now when you're FI or about to retire, you will look back and thank your past self for the wonder full gift you gave yourself.


Inkedup

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2014, 11:00:41 AM »
As for friends/co-workers: It's no one else's business. Bottom line.

At my last job a co-worker asked me whether my parents charged me rent (and, if so, how much?). I tried not to sound snarky as I informed her that those details are between me and my parents. Fortunately, that ended the conversation.

Every time I complained to my friends about little tiffs that happened between me and my parents, one of them always said, "Why don't you just move out?"
As if blowing more than half of my monthly net pay on rent and utilities would totally improve the situation. 

Family: I sympathize with the annoyance of having to explain yourself instead of being able to come and go as you please. Yes, it feels intrusive. If it helps to staunch the resentment, think of the benefits to your well-being: if a situation arose that caused you to disappear or be incapacitated  (accidents, etc.), it helps to have someone other than friends or boyfriend know your general whereabouts. Even if you do not live in a high-crime area, an accident can happen to anyone. Just my 2 cents. 
« Last Edit: December 19, 2014, 11:16:24 AM by Inkedup »

RH

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2014, 11:08:46 AM »
I would go crazy living with my parents at that age. You can always rent a room somewhere for probably $500/month with a friend to give some balance and freedom in life. If you currently save $40K/yr then spending $6K a year in rent for your sanity/freedom would only push out $100K goal by 3 months. 

jeffersonpita

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2014, 11:11:58 AM »
It's no one else's business. (2)

I'm latino, so my opinion is biased ;)

You'll alway have some problems while living with parents, but sometimes, it worth it.

Future Lazy

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2014, 11:31:50 AM »
In dealing with living with parents:

It sounds like mostly mom is the issue here?

Assert yourself as a grown up. As in:
"You know, Mom, I understand you're concerned for me and just looking out for my wellbeing, but I'm 23 years old and where I'm going is really none of your business."
"Thanks, Mom, but I don't have time to help you with your errands - I have some things I need to work on today. What are they? None of your business."
"I'm happy Aunt Juanita and Uncle Ben are in town, but that's not what I had planned this weekend. Have fun with them!"

Luckily, when I lived with my mom as an older teenager and young adult, she pretty much kept out of my business, with a "If it isn't going to kill you, you'll be ok and it's none of my business" policy, which I really appreciate. I just wish she was better with her money, because then I (and my husband!) would still live with her.

If it really comes down to it, and she continues to horn in on your business, let her know the truth: "I'm not a kid anymore, and I don't need your mothering, I just need your friendship. I'm only living here to save for my future, and I appreciate the opportunity. Don't take that away by treating me like a teenager."
"I'm an adult now, and I don't need you to plan my free time anymore. Maybe you can plan your free time instead. Have you thought about a spin class?"


In dealing with coworkers:

This just depends on how aggressive you want to be, and how much of your privacy you want to retain. When the 27 year old with a BMW starts giving you crap, ask them how much money he's saved. Ask them how much their rent costs over a year. Tell them you saved 40k in the last year and plan on buying your first property in cash (or putting 50% down or whatever). Ask them what their retirement account looks like.

When your family gets pointed with you about "moving on", explain how far ahead of your peers you're going to be by not having to pay rent.

Or, smile politely and say, "This is what works best for me right now."

Just own yourself, don't let anyone else's opinion own you.


In dealing with the Boyfriend:

Although you're very mature with your money and career, there are some things that just come with living by yourself and being responsible for your own space. I mean, I may be married and moved away from my parents, but the lady I live with still takes care of all the cleaning, so I'm not exercising those skills. I don't clean my own bathroom or remember to buy toilet paper, because those are perks of paying my rent. Eventually, when I move out, I'm going to have to tackle those things - I'm going to run out of toilet paper because I'm not used to being the one that buys it.

"You might be too reliant on others" might mean "I'm afraid to be stuck being the responsible one."

In fact, it's very similar to a conversation I had with my husband before we moved in together, since I didn't like the idea of him moving out of his family's house into my mom's house without ever having to clean his own toilet. It's part of why we keep separate finances - He needs to see that it's sink or swim, budget or drown in debt. I want to make sure he's got it together, that way I don't have to have it together for us.

Once again, this is a situation where you have to own yourself. If YOU know you're responsible, does it matter what he thinks? Do you want him to propose before you're 25? I mean, you could propose. Do you want to be that attached to someone that doesn't see the value of the savings over the novelty of living alone? Or, maybe next time your answer should be, "Well, how's breaking up with you for not relying on others, huh?" Show that sukka.

Alright, I think that's enough of my two cents. :)

Good luck! 

PS:

I would go crazy living with my parents at that age. You can always rent a room somewhere for probably $500/month with a friend to give some balance and freedom in life. If you currently save $40K/yr then spending $6K a year in rent for your sanity/freedom would only push out $100K goal by 3 months. 

+1 to this argument.

Jags4186

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2014, 11:52:27 AM »
I'll come in on the other side of this argument.

Move out.


irishbear99

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2014, 12:02:37 PM »
Sorry, no helpful advice for the boundary problems with your mother other than move out. (Of course, I moved halfway around the world to help solve the boundary issues I had with my parents, so I'm biased.)

If you do choose to stay, I'd suggest keeping the following phrase handy when anyone lets into you about your living situation:

"Thank you for your concern."

For variation, you could throw in there, "Aren't you sweet to be concerned." Or, if you're from the South, "Bless your heart!"

Repeat as needed. You don't owe anyone an explanation or defense of your living situation.

lostamonkey

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #8 on: December 19, 2014, 12:30:21 PM »
I would go crazy living with my parents at that age. You can always rent a room somewhere for probably $500/month with a friend to give some balance and freedom in life. If you currently save $40K/yr then spending $6K a year in rent for your sanity/freedom would only push out $100K goal by 3 months.
I agree with this. An extra $6K worth is totally worth it for the increased quality of living you will get from moving out. I think if you had a poll in this thread, the vast majority of people would recommend that you move  out.
« Last Edit: December 19, 2014, 12:32:49 PM by lostamonkey »

Kaspian

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #9 on: December 19, 2014, 12:33:57 PM »
But geeze, isnít my long-term goal enough proof of my maturity and desire for independence?

I'm pretty sure that if your parents did a good job raising you, saw you through your education, and you're now gainfully employed, they've finished their job.  You're a wage earner so you should at least be paying them token rent.  $200?  $300?  Are you?  Man, hopefully you buy your own groceries?  Adult = earn your keep.
« Last Edit: December 19, 2014, 12:36:32 PM by Kaspian »

Tetsuya Hondo

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #10 on: December 19, 2014, 12:40:13 PM »
I'll come in on the other side of this argument.

Move out.

Another vote for moving out. Living on your own is good for you. While I'm all for saving cash, I'm also all for the developmental experience of being on your own, having your own space, and, most importantly, learning to deal with and manage having your own space.

Aside from that, I wish I had your frugality and money savvy at your age. If I had known then what I know now, I would've hit FIRE long ago. You're kicking ass, but you need to learn to kick ass solo too.

Apples

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #11 on: December 19, 2014, 12:54:32 PM »
We graduated at the same time!  So, move out.  The alternative is to stay there and calmly assert yourself at times, but you don't get to complain about it, because that's the tradeoff you're making.  I live very close to my parents and have difficulties establishing boundaries with my mom.  A lot of inner strength and small boundary laying is what it takes, and time.  So I have to work at not snipping at her when she says something I think crosses the line, but also work to say "why did you do that? (referring to crossing the line) in a calm, non-aggressive voice, or "thanks for your input, but I'm going to make b decision", "I'll ask if I want you to do these things for me", etc.

I don't have the emotional maturity to keep that up full time, so I couldn't handle living with my parents.  I'm also married now, so there's that :p  It's a lot easier to create a healthy adult relationship with your parents when you don't live in their house.

NCGal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #12 on: December 19, 2014, 12:55:43 PM »
I agree regarding the safety issue. You might worry about anyone living with you and not knowing their whereabouts.

I have a friend with real southern charm. Anytime anyone asks her a nosy question she bats her eyes, smiles and says slowly "Why do you ask"? in a very sweet voice. It shuts them up every time.

The vacation issue is a tough one. How about reverse psychology? Tell your mom you're going zip-lining and ask her to join you? (Only if you know she will say 'no'.)

You have a plan that is working for you. I'd stick to it until it is not. I would tell work friends very little and also try to grow a thicker skin in response to remarks. But if the remarks are only hitting a nerve because you actually feel bad about your living situation, then maybe you have some decisions to make.

FYI, I used to watch my parents and wonder how they could 'balance' a checkbook. It seemed like such a pain-staking mystery. Puleeeze. You're an accountant. You'll figure all this living on your own stuff out in a week.

DoubleDown

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #13 on: December 19, 2014, 12:58:10 PM »
Regarding #2: Whatever you decide (live at home or move out), the answer is to do it on your terms and not care what others think/say. I'd argue this is deeper than "shaking it off." When you truly don't care, there's nothing to shake off. For example, if someone criticized me for not doing drugs, it wouldn't phase me in the least because I don't want to be identified with that and so I wouldn't care one whiff about their criticism. If you're caring what others at the office are saying, it likely speaks to some sensitivities you might have yourself about it.

bkru21

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #14 on: December 19, 2014, 01:01:51 PM »
I lived with my parents till I was 27, and like you, stayed at home when I was attending college because it was a close enough commute. After graduating in 2009, finding a job was a struggle due the economy being the pits, and I don't think I would have survived if it wasn't the support of them. I stayed with them even when I had a good paying job and was able save over $100k for a downpayment on a house. I would recommend that to anyone that could do it, barring 2 conditions:

1. Your parents are willing to allow you to stay, essentially for free. I felt guilty without paying any board, and gave them $200 every month.
2. You are not embarrased by the perceptions that you are lazy or unwilling to stay live on your own. I am little shocked this is still the mindset of 20-somethings, considering a 1/3 of them stay at home after graduating college. You are not alone!

I think you are getting a lot of flak from your co-workers because most of it stems from jealousy. Just ignore them, or throw back in their face that you don't want to end up in debt.

And living on your own is not that hard. If you do chores around the house and know how to cook, it's no different.

mm1970

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #15 on: December 19, 2014, 01:22:41 PM »
Hi Mustachians,
Is anyone here a young person working full time but living with parents to save money? If so, does anyone:
1.   Have tips for maintaining independence, sanity, and/or privacy?
2.   Have tips for how to handle othersí criticism?

I'm a 23 year old full time tax accountant. (Sexy, I know.) I graduated a year and a half ago from a university in my home city and started working soon after. Because my college was near my parentís house, I lived at home for 3 of my 4 years of school. My current firm is only 10 minutes farther away, so Iíve continued living at home as I work full time.

Over the past year, Iíve saved nearly $40,000 (monthly savings plus a big tax refund and an equally big bonus). My savings rate is 80-85%. I have no student loans (thanks to living at home during college and busting my butt for scholarships/full-time summer work), no credit card balances, and a fully paid used car worth about $10k. My goal is to save $100k of liquid cash by age 25 and buy a townhouse/SF house, which Iíll live in for a few years and then turn into a rental property. Iím actively following the market through my metroís real estate association and am reading everything I can about mortgages, land lording, etc.

I love socking away cash this quickly, but itís difficult to maintain my privacy with both parents and a high school brother in the house. Typical things include asking where Iím going, asking why Iím out late (11 pm on weekends), not being able to have people over, etc. Iíve only taken 5 vacation days this year (out of my 15) because whenever I did, my mother scheduled family errands and gatherings during them, similar to how a mother of a college student schedules gatherings, dentist appointments, etc. for her kids whenever theyíre home from school. She is highly offended when I donít spend vacation with her, so I just stopped taking any days off.

I also take a LOT of flak from my coworkers and friends for living with my parents. The average age of my office is 27, so itís full of lots of young people paying $1100+/month in rent to live alone in condos or luxury apartments.  It used to be weekly snarky remarks from several people on my team. It has died down now, but only because I know who to avoid. My friends and even some extended family members (my godmother, cousins, etc) tell me I need to ďmove on with lifeĒ and ďget out on my own.Ē Even my boyfriend told me heíd never propose (weíve dated for a year and a half) to me until Iíve lived on my own because heíd worry Iím too dependent on others.

I KNOW I shouldnít care what others think, but itís grating. Iím just looking for a shot in the arm to stick with it. I know Iím ďmissing outĒ on learning things like how to set up my utilities and deal with landlords by living at home. But geeze, isnít my long-term goal enough proof of my maturity and desire for independence?

So I have a friend/ coworker who is 26 or 27 and still lives with his parents and sister and is saving BANK.

I would stick with it as long as you can.

It seems like you are female?  That might be part of the issue - why your parents ask why you are out late, etc.  It's worry.

Note: I was out of the house in college.  So I cannot relate.  I lived in shared housing/ apartments.  I see nothing wrong with living at home (are you at least paying rent?) as long as you can stand it.  But if you can't, it's okay!

As far as your vacation days - just don't tell them?  I mean, this is a tough one.  Before I had kids, I was expected to go home for all of the holidays.  After I got married, we were expected to take turns, even though this involved cross country flights.  The first year we were married, we just stopped.  You have to set boundaries eventually.

I have a friend at work who is single, 36, living on her own since age 22.  Her mother STILL guilt trips her about going home for the holidays.  She's STILL her little girl to her mom.  You have to take charge of your own vacation sometime. 

Seriously, schedule a day off and don't tell anyone.  Do you like travel?  Plan a trip - weekend away, visiting out of town friends, camping, whatever - just tell her the day before you leave.  If you prefer to have a day or two off at home (if that's your thing), just do it and don't tell anyone.

My boss is like this.  His wife jokes that if he wants a day off at home he shouldn't tell her about it. She works from home, but if he schedules a day off, she schedules a trip or a family event or something (see, and he's almost 60!!) 

leenygal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #16 on: December 19, 2014, 01:25:29 PM »
Thanks for the advice all. To clarify, I never complain to other people, even the bf, about living at home because I just don't want to bring it up. Conversations just happen when other people bring it up/ask pointedly. So it's not like I'm whining about it constantly. And my relationship with my mother is actually 10X better than it was a year ago, because of several boundary talks. We just have our moments every couple of weeks.

This just depends on how aggressive you want to be, and how much of your privacy you want to retain. When the 27 year old with a BMW starts giving you crap, ask them how much money he's saved. Ask them how much their rent costs over a year. Tell them you saved 40k in the last year and plan on buying your first property in cash (or putting 50% down or whatever). Ask them what their retirement account looks like.

I did this once and got reamed for "not knowing how to experience life" i.e. not blowing my cash on trips to Vegas/Mexico, loans for luxury cars (my 28 y.o. boss was amazed when I told her my car didn't have leather seats - "How is that comfortable?"), casinos/bars etc. I actually asked one of the guys - who lives in a condo downtown and is always talking about casinos/drinking every weekend - how much his rent costs per year and he said, "Well at least I'm out enjoying my life." I wanted to tell him I could literally HEAR the shackles of his full-time job close around his ankles, but I thought that'd be too dramatic for a non-Mustachian to hear :) So I quit using this as a comeback.


Once again, this is a situation where you have to own yourself. If YOU know you're responsible, does it matter what he thinks? Do you want him to propose before you're 25? I mean, you could propose. Do you want to be that attached to someone that doesn't see the value of the savings over the novelty of living alone? Or, maybe next time your answer should be, "Well, how's breaking up with you for not relying on others, huh?" Show that sukka.

Bf is not a mean person, he just gets resentful sometimes because he had to move to the city from a small town to go to the University/find work and has 0 support or interaction with his parents (parents got divorced soon after he moved, lost the house, and drained their savings). So I'm afraid he's jealous of me for having a family stable enough to live with in a city with opportunity. The funny thing is, he is the one who introduced me to Mr Money Mustache, so I would've assumed he'd see the value of savings. I mean, if we got married, I'd be bringing a house and some extra cash whereas he'd be bringing $40k of student debt and $5k of savings. Maybe he finds this emasculating so he's bitter?


Learning to pay your bills and utilities is not rocket science.  If you can save up to 80%+ of your salary it will be a piece of cake.  I would recommend moving out of your place before you purchase a place, just to get a feel for what it is to live on your own.  Do you know how to cook, do your own laundry, know how to handle house repairs, lawn care, ect?  If not then a few months of living on your own or out of your parents house with a roommate would be a good experience.

I want to move out with some friends once their leases are up next summer, solely for the experience prior to owning. For all those who question whether I'm "sponging" off parents: I pay for 100% of my own food, insurance, car (gas, parking, insurance, repairs), share of utilities, and any other personal items. I work in public accounting, meaning I'm at the office from 8 - 7pm off season and 8 - 10pm plus all day Saturday during filing season, so it's not like I'm at home playing video games in the basement every day after work. I cook a family meal once a week, do everyone's laundry (I laugh when my coworkers assume I don't know how to do my own), and clean our kitchen and bathroom once a month. I can change my car battery/wipers/tires/headlights, tailor my own clothes, plan my meals, etc. When my dad got really sick last year, I learned how to help him install his catheter - I have full confidence I can figure out how to "care for my own space."


I'm latino, so my opinion is biased ;)


My mother is an immigrant from the Philippines (I am 1/2 Filipino, 1/2 Caucasian), where it's the norm to live with 3 generations in 1 house. My bf is from a small town, "18 and out" American family, so I don't think he understands that other cultures are different. Even though I grew up here, I find American's obsession with independence, not needing anyone, and being alone kind of sad after visiting Manila and seeing the benefits of children living with grandparents/parents and pooling resources. But that's a different topic...

Catbert

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #17 on: December 19, 2014, 01:25:37 PM »
I come from the point of view of someone who left home at 19 and is now older than your parents.

Co-workers are the easiest of the three to handle.  Nicely tell them to "mind their own business" with the phrases others have provided.  Or tell them you'll move when you have 100k saved if you want to disclose that info.

I agree with your BF.  I don't think people should get married to live with a significant other without living on their own (or with a roommate) for at least a couple of years.  That doesn't mean you have to move out now, just that you shouldn't expect a proposal any time soon.

Your Mother seems to be the biggest problem.  She's still treating you like you're in HS.  Do you pay rent?  If not, that might be a way to demonstrate your independence.  Does she do your laundry, cook your meals, clean the house, etc.?  If so, she acting like your mother so it's no surprise that she wants to be treated like your mother with full knowledge and control of your schedule.  If you want to be treated more like an adult roommate then you need act like one and do your own laundry, shop/cook for some meals, do chores around the house.  If you've done all this then try the phrases others have suggested.  If none of this works, then MOVE or resign yourself to be treated like a high school student.

Avidconsumer

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #18 on: December 19, 2014, 01:31:19 PM »
In dealing with living with parents:

It sounds like mostly mom is the issue here?

Assert yourself as a grown up. As in:
"You know, Mom, I understand you're concerned for me and just looking out for my wellbeing, but I'm 23 years old and where I'm going is really none of your business."
"Thanks, Mom, but I don't have time to help you with your errands - I have some things I need to work on today. What are they? None of your business."
"I'm happy Aunt Juanita and Uncle Ben are in town, but that's not what I had planned this weekend. Have fun with them!"

Luckily, when I lived with my mom as an older teenager and young adult, she pretty much kept out of my business, with a "If it isn't going to kill you, you'll be ok and it's none of my business" policy, which I really appreciate. I just wish she was better with her money, because then I (and my husband!) would still live with her.

If it really comes down to it, and she continues to horn in on your business, let her know the truth: "I'm not a kid anymore, and I don't need your mothering, I just need your friendship. I'm only living here to save for my future, and I appreciate the opportunity. Don't take that away by treating me like a teenager."
"I'm an adult now, and I don't need you to plan my free time anymore. Maybe you can plan your free time instead. Have you thought about a spin class?"


In dealing with coworkers:

This just depends on how aggressive you want to be, and how much of your privacy you want to retain. When the 27 year old with a BMW starts giving you crap, ask them how much money he's saved. Ask them how much their rent costs over a year. Tell them you saved 40k in the last year and plan on buying your first property in cash (or putting 50% down or whatever). Ask them what their retirement account looks like.

When your family gets pointed with you about "moving on", explain how far ahead of your peers you're going to be by not having to pay rent.

Or, smile politely and say, "This is what works best for me right now."

Just own yourself, don't let anyone else's opinion own you.


In dealing with the Boyfriend:

Although you're very mature with your money and career, there are some things that just come with living by yourself and being responsible for your own space. I mean, I may be married and moved away from my parents, but the lady I live with still takes care of all the cleaning, so I'm not exercising those skills. I don't clean my own bathroom or remember to buy toilet paper, because those are perks of paying my rent. Eventually, when I move out, I'm going to have to tackle those things - I'm going to run out of toilet paper because I'm not used to being the one that buys it.

"You might be too reliant on others" might mean "I'm afraid to be stuck being the responsible one."

In fact, it's very similar to a conversation I had with my husband before we moved in together, since I didn't like the idea of him moving out of his family's house into my mom's house without ever having to clean his own toilet. It's part of why we keep separate finances - He needs to see that it's sink or swim, budget or drown in debt. I want to make sure he's got it together, that way I don't have to have it together for us.

Once again, this is a situation where you have to own yourself. If YOU know you're responsible, does it matter what he thinks? Do you want him to propose before you're 25? I mean, you could propose. Do you want to be that attached to someone that doesn't see the value of the savings over the novelty of living alone? Or, maybe next time your answer should be, "Well, how's breaking up with you for not relying on others, huh?" Show that sukka.

Alright, I think that's enough of my two cents. :)

Good luck! 

PS:

I would go crazy living with my parents at that age. You can always rent a room somewhere for probably $500/month with a friend to give some balance and freedom in life. If you currently save $40K/yr then spending $6K a year in rent for your sanity/freedom would only push out $100K goal by 3 months. 

+1 to this argument.

This advice is terrible and totally disrespectful of the person paying the bills. The fact is..If your not contributing to the household, then you're not going to be treated as an adult, and you should be expected to do errands.

Do not disclose your finances to your coworkers. It won't give them sudden realisation that their consumer ways are what's holding back their FI. Their more likely reaction will be jealousy, which will lead to an abysmal office environment.

Separate finances is not really congruent to a successful relationship with the same FIRE goals. What if one your financial situations change significantly. It could lead to all sorts of problems.

I say move out. You've saved up enough and your missing out on important life skills that can actually propel your career through confidence of being independent. Financial success isn't derived purely on your ability to save.

Catbert

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #19 on: December 19, 2014, 01:32:15 PM »
Ahhhh...a Filipino mother.  That explains a lot!  I not a Filipina but I use to work with a lot of them.  You're not going to change her.  My advice above probably won't work.  :-(  You'll either need to move out or suck it up and let her be her.
« Last Edit: December 19, 2014, 01:33:50 PM by mary w »

Peony

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #20 on: December 19, 2014, 02:07:12 PM »
Re: vacations, I agree with the person who suggested just scheduling days and taking them, without telling anyone ahead of time. Unless you're going away, why does anyone need to know? And if you're going away, family plans are moot anyway.

I think living with family in order to save $$ is great and it sounds like you have plenty of life skills and a great plan. I'd be happy if my sons did what you're doing (though I'd be way more hands-off than your mom is, but I have a different cultural background), especially if they were doing as much household work as it sounds like you do. I do agree with other commenters that you're unlikely to persuade your coworkers of anything (though some may come around when you buy your own place!), so I'd probably just stay away from those discussions unless they are with people who seem to have values you share.

andy85

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #21 on: December 19, 2014, 02:27:46 PM »
I'll chime in since I still live with my parents...and I'm 29 by the way..

Obviously, pride can be a dangerous thing. I feel like people in their early 20s get their own place wayyyy too soon when they already have CC and SL debt. I have NEVER understood this. What is the rush? Just to keep up with the Jones'? It has never been my style. I got into some CC debt a few years back that i recently paid off. I'm currently debt free with a very small net worth but saving money for a house. I'm in no rush. I will do it when I damn well please and it makes the most financial sense. There is no sense in sabotaging your financial future self just because you are full of pride and need to keep up with your friends (which it doesnt sound like you do).

Luckily my parents are cool as hell. They are pretty much like roommates...other than the fact that i'm not going be bringing any women back the house...lol. So, on that front, i dont have much advice since my parents have always really let me live my life and have my privacy. I just wanted to say that if you all have a decent relationship, dont ever feel pressured to move out...it's your life. Make the best decision for you and screw everybody else.

I just like to think to myself how all of my friends in their 20s have 10s of thousands of CC and SL debt while already paying rent/mortgage and i have none of that right now. It makes me feel a little better...haha.

mxt0133

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #22 on: December 19, 2014, 02:38:09 PM »
Ahhhh...a Filipino mother.  That explains a lot!  I not a Filipina but I use to work with a lot of them.  You're not going to change her.  My advice above probably won't work.  :-(  You'll either need to move out or suck it up and let her be her.

Yeah, moving out won't help either.  I moved across the country and still I get guilt-ed constantly about visiting, them missing their grand kids, ect.   You are right that she's not going to change.  I am the 'bunso' of the family (youngest) and to this day still get treated like a child. 

So yeah OP, what I said about boundaries with your mom, throw that out the window.  That would only apply to your dad, haha.  If it were up to your mom, you would get married and live with them, so when she becomes a lola (grandma) the can spoil that kid rotten and undo any type of discipline that you and your husband try to instill in them.  Of course I'm generalizing but it applies to about 99% of Filipino moms.  My wife fully expects my boys to live with us until they are in their mid-thirties.  =(

mm1970

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #23 on: December 19, 2014, 02:48:50 PM »
Quote
My mother is an immigrant from the Philippines (I am 1/2 Filipino, 1/2 Caucasian), where it's the norm to live with 3 generations in 1 house. My bf is from a small town, "18 and out" American family, so I don't think he understands that other cultures are different. Even though I grew up here, I find American's obsession with independence, not needing anyone, and being alone kind of sad after visiting Manila and seeing the benefits of children living with grandparents/parents and pooling resources. But that's a different topic...
Yep
I grew up in a rural family, 18 and out.  Though, families are close and help each other out - grandma's watch kids, grandkids mow laws, kids can vegetables and share, shared results of hunting deer, etc.

mm1970

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #24 on: December 19, 2014, 02:49:53 PM »
Ahhhh...a Filipino mother.  That explains a lot!  I not a Filipina but I use to work with a lot of them.  You're not going to change her.  My advice above probably won't work.  :-(  You'll either need to move out or suck it up and let her be her.

Yeah, moving out won't help either.  I moved across the country and still I get guilt-ed constantly about visiting, them missing their grand kids, ect.   You are right that she's not going to change.  I am the 'bunso' of the family (youngest) and to this day still get treated like a child. 

So yeah OP, what I said about boundaries with your mom, throw that out the window.  That would only apply to your dad, haha.  If it were up to your mom, you would get married and live with them, so when she becomes a lola (grandma) the can spoil that kid rotten and undo any type of discipline that you and your husband try to instill in them.  Of course I'm generalizing but it applies to about 99% of Filipino moms.  My wife fully expects my boys to live with us until they are in their mid-thirties.  =(
I've worked with a lot of Filipino moms too.  One of my son's best friend has a Filipino mom and Caucasian dad, and they live with the mom's parents so...

leenygal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #25 on: December 19, 2014, 02:52:09 PM »

Yeah, moving out won't help either.  I moved across the country and still I get guilt-ed constantly about visiting, them missing their grand kids, ect. 

Haha, I'm glad I'm not alone in that. I mentioned once to her that my firm has opportunities to move to San Francisco after associates work there for 2 years. (I currently live in the Midwest.) And her reply was, "I could move with you and live with all the other Filipinos!" I just shake my head and laugh.

leenygal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #26 on: December 19, 2014, 02:55:36 PM »
Ahhhh...a Filipino mother.  That explains a lot!  I not a Filipina but I use to work with a lot of them.  You're not going to change her.  My advice above probably won't work.  :-(  You'll either need to move out or suck it up and let her be her.

Yeah, moving out won't help either.  I moved across the country and still I get guilt-ed constantly about visiting, them missing their grand kids, ect.   You are right that she's not going to change.  I am the 'bunso' of the family (youngest) and to this day still get treated like a child. 

So yeah OP, what I said about boundaries with your mom, throw that out the window.  That would only apply to your dad, haha.  If it were up to your mom, you would get married and live with them, so when she becomes a lola (grandma) the can spoil that kid rotten and undo any type of discipline that you and your husband try to instill in them.  Of course I'm generalizing but it applies to about 99% of Filipino moms.  My wife fully expects my boys to live with us until they are in their mid-thirties.  =(
I've worked with a lot of Filipino moms too.  One of my son's best friend has a Filipino mom and Caucasian dad, and they live with the mom's parents so...

Yep, that's in line with all of my mom's Filipino friends. It almost makes me want to marry someone else who's half-Filipino just because they'll "get" it. Plus my mother would LOVE Filipino in-laws.

Breaker

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #27 on: December 19, 2014, 05:45:48 PM »
There is another thread on the General Discussion area that is titled something like "How much do you owe your destitute parents?"

I just hope that all of you who are living off of your parents now remember how much they gave up to help you, even when you don't need it. 

They own the house so, they get to set the rules.  If one of those rules is telling them either where you  are going and/or when you expect to be back, so be it.

Remember while you are socking away a lot of cash, they are still living in and paying for a house that is bigger than they need.  They could downsize and put more money toward their own FI.  You living with your parents may not be costing you but it is costing them.  And you are an educated, employed adult.  If you think it is necessary to stay in their house, then suck it up and be grateful that they are able and willing to help. 

studentdoc2

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #28 on: December 19, 2014, 06:01:21 PM »
For point of reference/bias, I'm a 27-yo woman who's lived on my own ever since I left for college in another state at 18.

When first reading this, I had the same reaction I often do when I hear about gainfully employed 20- or 30-somethings living with parents -- why isn't this person contributing to the household? Although I'm supportive of saving money by living with parents and also see nothing wrong with parents helping adult children out as they get started in a potentially slow job market, I feel that adult children with jobs should be actively contributing to the household both financially (e.g., rent) and in other ways (chipping in with chores/errands). However, your clarification post seems to indicate that you are doing this (although I still think chipping in $200 for "rent" would be reasonable), so this point is rather moot. Good on you for stepping up.

I think Breaker made an excellent point, though:
They own the house so, they get to set the rules.  If one of those rules is telling them either where you  are going and/or when you expect to be back, so be it.
You're in a luck position to have the freedom to move out or stay. Your parents' rules are the price of admission, if you will, to this low-cost lifestyle. Personally, my independence is easily worth the cost of living on my own, but if that's not the case for you, then this is the situation to which you need to adjust.

Also, re:boyfriend, I completely agree with him. Living on your own is more than just budgeting and finances -- it's about learning to be self-reliant and getting to spend a lot more time focus on some introspection and self-knowledge, all of which will make you a better partner in the future.

mozar

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #29 on: December 19, 2014, 06:06:02 PM »
How about you tell your boyfriend you won't "accept" his proposal until he pays of his loans because you want him to prove he can manage his debt.

TerriM

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #30 on: December 19, 2014, 06:43:28 PM »
First, I want to tell you that you sound like a fantastic, mature 24 year old.  You have a good job, you live at home to be frugal, you have a plan in life, you cook and do your own laundry, and holy cow, you have more self-restraint and financial prowess than most of the population.  You are walking the path less taken, and it is lonely.   And when you are retired at 45, it will still be the path less taken, and you will find that it is still lonely, people still don't understand you, but that they envy you.

My take on your mother is that it's her house, and you do have to live by her rules as the owner of the house.  If you were renting a room from Mr. Jones who lives down the street, and he gave you those same rules, you'd simply choose to abide or move out, but certainly you'd see that it's his house and his rules.  Since you are capable of moving out, that will give you some negotiation if she likes having you home.  I'm sorry, but as a mom, that's how I see it, even though I understand why you want privacy and how much you hate having to answer those questions.  Also, as a mom, I have become paranoid enough that if *I* were to meet with a stranger to sell something on craigslist, or do anything else alone with someone I don't trust fully, I actually email a friend with what I'm doing/who with "just in case something happens" so that *someone* can tell the police what I was doing when I disappeared.  I don't necessarily tell my husband, because I don't want him to think I'm paranoid.  The truth is that if you don't want to live by her rules, you really can move out, and that's a mature decision that you're capable of making.

It seems to me that you really need (want?) your boyfriend's understanding, support, and approval.  Here you are proving to him that you are a self-controlled, frugal woman who will manage the family's finances in the best way possible, and he's slapping you in the face by telling you he's not sure he wants you.  That's really sucks, doesn't it?  I understand that there are value and cultural differences between your family and his, but he needs to figure that out as there's going to be a lot of other cultural differences he'd better be prepared for if he marries you.  This isn't going to be the only thing that comes up, and may be a red flag (or may be something you work through to understand the rest of the differences).  I'm not going to tell you to break up or to stay together, but I just feel like you guys need to have a real heart to heart about this.... Or maybe he's pressuring you to move out so you two can have some privacy?  What exactly does he think marriage is except you being dependent on each other?   Honestly, if I, as an adult observer, were having a heart to heart with him, and if I knew you, I'd be asking him how much he wants to risk that you'll find someone else who doesn't have any hesitation proposing (in fact, this happened to a friend of mine--he lost his girlfriend to a close friend who was both upset that he was causing the girlfriend angst by not proposing and knew a good thing when he saw it).

As for vacation days, these do not have to be your mom's business.  Take them and tell her only at the last minute.  Ie  "Why are you home?"  "I took a vacation day today."  Don't let her put things on your plate.  You may be in her home, but it is *YOUR* vacation day.  So sorry, you're busy today with plans to read a book and watch TV, and don't have time for anything else.  If you want to take a trip, feel free, but it's ok to tell her which city you're going to, and that this is a private vacation.

As for rent vs. own right after moving out, I don't see one as better than another.  There are many many home improvement forums on which you can ask fixit questions.  Setting up and paying bills isn't that big a deal.  If you can cook, clean, and do laundry then you're fine.  I find the most complicated things are finances and health care.  Renting instead of owning isn't going to help me figure either of those out.

As for your coworkers, it really depends on the group.  If they don't get the early retirement thing, then they don't get it.  Part of the problem is your age--if you were 40 and living at home, no one would give you crap.  So they're treating you like a kid based on your age and still living at home.  Perhaps you should respond that way "I'm a mature adult, and this is what I've decided to do to make the most money I can and retire by age 45.  If you don't approve, then that's your problem, not mine, but it would be better if you minded your own business."    It's not friendly, but you need to stand up for yourself.  You might also consider changing jobs and making sure you don't mention it to the new coworkers.
« Last Edit: December 19, 2014, 07:49:14 PM by TerriM »

TerriM

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #31 on: December 19, 2014, 06:45:16 PM »
How about you tell your boyfriend you won't "accept" his proposal until he pays of his loans because you want him to prove he can manage his debt.

+100 

And stand your ground on it.  It'll be the best thing you've done.

Maybe he'll move in with his parents to do it too :)

TerriM

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #32 on: December 19, 2014, 07:59:02 PM »
(my 28 y.o. boss was amazed when I told her my car didn't have leather seats - "How is that comfortable?"),

This is making me laugh because my husband got pressured into trying to buy a car with leather seats by his parents.  They were really adamant about it being important.  I can't figure out why it matters--it's not like our non-leather seats haven't lasted as long as the car!

startswithhome

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #33 on: December 19, 2014, 08:07:33 PM »
To coworkers I would say something snarky like "Well I wouldn't want to live with YOUR parents either." Snark deserves snark. If they ask a genuine question because they want to understand, feel free to explain.

TerriM

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #34 on: December 19, 2014, 08:20:29 PM »
BTW:  Your boyfriend's debt is pretty serious.  What are your thoughts on paying it off if you married him while he still had it vs. making him pay it off before marriage?  The stats on divorce nowadays are pretty sad--I think it's 1/3 divorce within 3 years.  If he comes into the marriage with debt and you pay it off and then get divorced....  That's a lot of your savings out the door.  mozar's suggestion is a good one just from a point of protecting what you've worked for.

mxt0133

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #35 on: December 20, 2014, 05:07:53 AM »
Haha, I'm glad I'm not alone in that. I mentioned once to her that my firm has opportunities to move to San Francisco after associates work there for 2 years. (I currently live in the Midwest.) And her reply was, "I could move with you and live with all the other Filipinos!" I just shake my head and laugh.

It's pretty nice out here.  Been here 5 years and can't imagine living anywhere else right now.  My only regret is that I should have done it earlier.  If I could have my employer move me out here on their dime I would jump on that opportunity.

Janie

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #36 on: December 20, 2014, 05:55:32 AM »
Whatever you decide to do, you might consider expressing thanks to your parents. Their support has put you in a great position, despite some drawbacks.

Ricky

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #37 on: December 20, 2014, 08:06:16 AM »
You can tell who has and who hasn't lived with their parents by reading the replies. Everyone is using very anecdotal information, which mine will be no different.

It can always he "worse". I "put up" with a cluttered house, one bathroom for 5-6 people, lousy Internet, noisy neighbors, for living in a very small room. There's random people over at times and things are constantly changing. Compound that with the fact that I'm in a very rural area with no great opportunities and it takes at least an hour's drive to get into a decently populated area. It' my frugal, logical gears kicking in, which you understand. I've been able to save a lot by doing this and will continue for a little while until I can't take it anymore. I'm 24. I figure by 26/27, the latest 30, I'll be out.

My plan short term is to work part time, look for opportunities elsewhere while I rent from short term rentals nearby for 2-3 days at a time so I can adjust to living on my own and gain some perspective and sanity.

Your coworkers sound like they are hazing you more than anything. If you're respected, it doesn't matter what you do, no one woild come out and make snarky remarks like that. My general response is, "I save money and I have goals". Everyone has always replied to me, "that's smart". Then again I don't work in the same corporate environment as you.

iris lily

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #38 on: December 20, 2014, 08:55:42 AM »
OP, I don't know how to negotiate your relationship with your mother so that you are less, shall we say, "managed?" 

But I wonder, does she know how your excellent savings rate is setting you up for a good life? I wonder if she values that?

Anyway, I support you at living with your parents as long as you and they can stand it. DH lived on his family farm, helping out with that small business, while he worked a job in town at a modest salary until he was about 32 years old. He saved a bunch of money and bought rental houses. His assets were the base for us building more assets and never having to pay a cent of interest on anything we purchase including our house.  It was a very good lifetime financial decision.

TerriM

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #39 on: December 20, 2014, 09:43:30 AM »
Your coworkers sound like they are hazing you more than anything. If you're respected, it doesn't matter what you do, no one woild come out and make snarky remarks like that. My general response is, "I save money and I have goals". Everyone has always replied to me, "that's smart". Then again I don't work in the same corporate environment as you.

Yeah.  You're definitely being bullied.  You need to deal with this as people have to deal with teasing on the playground.  Best way is to ignore it, and don't let them see you get upset.  Fighting back is letting them see you upset. You're not going to win them to your side until you've bought your house while they're still renting.  For people who talk about living a bit, I think you can legitimately say "You've chosen to live it up now, I'm choosing to retire at 45 and live it up then.  When you're 45, we should talk and see if either of us has regrets about the path we took."

You definitely seeing your coworkers lifestyle as sucky.  They see it as great.  I think your best bet is to win them over by quiet example or just let them go.  St. Francis once said "Preach the Gospel.  Use words if necessary."  Live by example, and those who are willing to hear the message will come to you to listen.  Let the rest go--they are not ready to learn, but if you're cordial with them, you may plant a seed that will grow later.  And when you do retire at 45, you will be able to go into any office of 24 years olds and have their utmost admiration and full attention.  Just be patient.

leenygal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #40 on: December 20, 2014, 10:19:52 AM »
St. Francis once said "Preach the Gospel.  Use words if necessary."  Live by example, and those who are willing to hear the message will come to you to listen.  Let the rest go--they are not ready to learn, but if you're cordial with them, you may plant a seed that will grow later.  And when you do retire at 45, you will be able to go into any office of 24 years olds and have their utmost admiration and full attention.  Just be patient.

Interesting you say this. My mentor at the firm is a senior manager around 40 y.o. I have the utmost respect for her because she conducts herself quietly and simply - no talk of fancy McMansions, exotic vacations, etc. When I told her I'm living at home, she told me she did that same thing for 2 years when she started at the firm and it gave her a great basis when she bought her house, got married, etc. She's one of the most capable leaders in our department because she has a quiet determination. And she told me the same thing - be patient.

leenygal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #41 on: December 20, 2014, 10:23:55 AM »

Your coworkers sound like they are hazing you more than anything.

Yes, I'm pretty sure that's all it is. It was worst in my first 6 months. Now, even though I've only been there a little over a year, it's gotten better because they just hired a new group of associates to haze.

leenygal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #42 on: December 20, 2014, 10:41:14 AM »

Remember while you are socking away a lot of cash, they are still living in and paying for a house that is bigger than they need.  They could downsize and put more money toward their own FI.  You living with your parents may not be costing you but it is costing them.  And you are an educated, employed adult.  If you think it is necessary to stay in their house, then suck it up and be grateful that they are able and willing to help.

I've reiterated, on a near monthly basis, to my parents how grateful I am that I can stay and how much further ahead they are helping me get. They are aware that I am aware of my special opportunity and am grateful for it.

My living at the house has no bearing on their decision to downsize in the near future. I discussed this directly with my dad, who told me they wouldn't consider selling until at least 6 years from now, when my brother finishes high school and college. (He will also be living with them as a college student.) Plus, I talked to them about their finances and found out they paid the house off 10 years ago and hit FI 4 years ago. (They were Mustachians long before Mr Money Mustache was born.) As long as I pay for my own consumable costs (food, utilities, insurance, etc), I'm not causing overhead or impeding their life. They've made it clear they will not pay a dime toward a car, wedding, college education, or a house for me (unlike some of my coworkers who live "independently" but had parents pay for their school, cars, weddings, and even down payments), but are willing to have me stay in their house since the room would be empty anyway.




leenygal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #43 on: December 20, 2014, 10:44:45 AM »
To coworkers I would say something snarky like "Well I wouldn't want to live with YOUR parents either." Snark deserves snark. If they ask a genuine question because they want to understand, feel free to explain.

The comeback I've used is, "The partner doesn't give a damn where we live as long as we make money for him. He wouldn't care if we were homeless."

Which is true - as long as I show up, put in long hours, and do my job well, my upper level supervisors don't give a damn whether I live on my own, with my parents, or in a box.

fa

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #44 on: December 20, 2014, 10:46:33 AM »
Maybe a parental perspective would be in order.

When you live with your parents as an adult, you are using resources just like everybody else.  The house needs to be cleaned, laundry needs to be done, dinners need to be cooked, groceries need to be purchased, energy is required to heat the house, the lawn requires mowing, etc.

All these things take time, effort and money to maintain and provide for.  For an adult child making a decent living, asking to utilize the resurces of the parental home should come with responsibilities.  You need to take your share of house maintenance, help pay for groceries, pay some of the energy and water bill, etc.  In return, you enjoy a comfortable place to live without having to sign a lease, etc.  If you don't like to help in the household, then move out.  You'll find out for yourself how cushy it was at home.

As far as freedom is concerned, it depends on whether it happens at home or outside the home.  I own a freestanding home and do not want to have to deal with unpleasant side effects of having adult children living at home.  Think loud noise, messes, eating all the food and not replacing it...  The prerogative of owning your home is that you get to enjoy it.  If the child does not accept that, please get your own place and clutter it any way you want.  Not so in my house.

When the child leaves the house to go somewhere, it is none of my business.  They are adults and what they do outside the home is their business.  I would make an exception for things that are likely to affect me.  For example, if your adult child would like to go out to meet drug addict friends and do drugs with them, that is likely to spill back into my house.  I would not accept the presence of illegal drugs in my house, even in my child's bedroom.  Nor would I tolerate my child bringing obvious drugs addicts into my home as guests.  This is just an example: my kids don't do that.

If you want to be treated like and adult, you need to act like one.  That includes taking your share of the adult responsibilities.

leenygal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #45 on: December 20, 2014, 11:09:22 AM »
How about you tell your boyfriend you won't "accept" his proposal until he pays of his loans because you want him to prove he can manage his debt.

+100 

And stand your ground on it.  It'll be the best thing you've done.

Maybe he'll move in with his parents to do it too :)

Bf doesn't have a choice to move back (smaller town = fewer jobs, plus his parents had an ugly divorce and his siblings are estranged from them so he has no house to move back into plus a lot of drama in his hometown). I think that's why he's frustrated that I HAVE the option. His parents booted him out of the house at 18, and he decided (without any knowledge of how loans work or any guidance from family) to go to an expensive private university here in the city, while turning down a full scholarship at the college in his town. I did the opposite - I had the opportunity to go to a ridiculously expensive, but prestigious school 500 mi away from home but opted to stay and take the full academic scholarship at the local university. We now make the same exact salary, only he graduated with $60k of debt.

He understands he made a big financial decision and has to deal with his consequences (he's progressively paid his debt down from $60k to $40k in 3 years), but he really resents the fact that my parents had the foresight to sit me down at age 17 and explain how loans work so I could make a rational decision, while his told him "You figure this out, it's your life." (As a sidenote, we both have parents who went to college, so it's not like his were unaware of how higher education works.) Neither of our parents gave us money for college, but mine at least gave me their time and help me work through a budget.

I don't know what to tell him, other than "I'm grateful my parents were looking out for me and sorry yours didn't. But you're the one choosing to be resentful."

TerriM

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #46 on: December 20, 2014, 12:44:19 PM »
Bf doesn't have a choice to move back (smaller town = fewer jobs, plus his parents had an ugly divorce and his siblings are estranged from them so he has no house to move back into plus a lot of drama in his hometown). I think that's why he's frustrated that I HAVE the option

....

I don't know what to tell him, other than "I'm grateful my parents were looking out for me and sorry yours didn't. But you're the one choosing to be resentful."

I don't know how to help you resolve his issues--perhaps he has something legitimate that he needs to understand about you that requires you to live on your own before he's comfortable making the decision to marry you.  Perhaps he is concerned that you are too attached to your family, but is moving going to change that?  Will you still spend Sunday having dinner with them?  I think you need to get some real detailed concerns out, because he may be expressing that you are too close to your family and that isn't going to change after marriage.   I am married to someone, not Filipino, but someone whose parents want us around for life events--baptism, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, graduations, 50th anniversaries, 60th anniversaries, 80th birthdays, family trips, funerals, etc. etc..  Since we're out of state, it costs us.  Often they pay for it, but traveling with kids is exhausting, so even if it costs me nothing, it's still draining for me.  We have family obligations that I just don't have with my own family.  I didn't even have to go to my grandfather's funeral.  My dad was pleased that I did, but gave me permission not to.  You need to have a deep-down talk about this with your BF because if you are happy with your family life (i.e., yes, you know that you will be spending every Sunday night dinner with them even after you move out, but that's what it means to be family), and he wants it to be you and him and not your family, and not get together every week, and not have family obligations, you guys probably shouldn't get married.  I'm sorry to say that, but I'm going through this now, and it's a VERY SERIOUS COMMITMENT.  He thinks he's marrying you, but you think he's marrying INTO your family.  Right?  Very different.  He's estranged from his family, so he's free of those commitments.  You are not, and you have them.  If he's not really darn happy spending lots of time with your family, it's going to be stressful after marriage.  I want nothing more than to stay home for Christmas, but I HAVE TO GO to my in-laws for Christmas.  It's almost non-negotiable.  If this is bothering him, then you don't need to move out for him to decide whether he wants to marry into this you need to be blunt with him about what you believe him marrying you will mean to him.

Exhale

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #47 on: December 20, 2014, 01:50:33 PM »
So many great replies already. Here are my two cents...

Cent #1: Perhaps you can find a way that your mother can be a part of your life such as
- She teaches you some of her favorite recipes
- You take a weekly walk with her
- You do a family history project with her?
- You garden together?
- Etc.
I suggest this as a way for your to show your mother that you value her and want to spend time with her (but in a way that works for you). This doesn't mean that she'll be happy with your other boundaries. However, at least you'll know that you're including her in life and showing respect/love.

Cent #2: Please be sure to get couple financial counseling before you accept this boyfriend's (or anyone's) proposal.

Last thought: No matter what age you are, if you live a frugal lifestyle, people will feel they can make comments. That comes from most people living an unexamined life. All they see is the frugal person acting strange as opposed to considering the strangeness of what's thought to be "normal" (e.g., overabundance of space, debt, physical weight, stress, etc.). So, if you can develop strategies now to let all of that roll off your back, you'll be way ahead of the game.

Good luck!



Flash445

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #48 on: December 20, 2014, 02:24:48 PM »
Both of my parents are Filipino. You need to remind your mom constantly that you are very capable of moving out, but choose not to for whatever your reasons may be. My mother moved here in the 80's while single and in her 20's. She was very independent and proud of herself for moving and establishing herself in another country without the support of her parents. I don't know your mother's background but chances are that since she is Filipino she also shares these proud and independent attributes. She may have mellowed out over the years but I totally know about the petty arguments you have every few weeks haha. Like others have said, it is their house so you have to respect that and your parents, not that you're disrespecting them. Even though you have a busy schedule (I have one too, 10 days on 4 days off, 12 hour shifts) it may be in your best interest to "invest" time in your parents. Take them out to dinner or breakfast when you are off. A little bit of time spent with them can go a long way. Afterwards remind your mom again that if you didn't live with them you probably wouldn't have had the time to spend with them due to your busy schedule. While your mom wants to take advantage of having you nearby you should too! It's not like you're gonna be living there forever. It could be worse... you could be making the same salary but not saving nearly as much while spending who knows how much money on living expenses you don't allocate money towards now :).

leenygal

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Re: Tips for Living with Parents/Dealing with Critics
« Reply #49 on: December 20, 2014, 02:41:33 PM »
So many great replies already. Here are my two cents...

Cent #1: Perhaps you can find a way that your mother can be a part of your life such as
- She teaches you some of her favorite recipes
- You take a weekly walk with her
- You do a family history project with her?
- You garden together?
- Etc.
I suggest this as a way for your to show your mother that you value her and want to spend time with her (but in a way that works for you). This doesn't mean that she'll be happy with your other boundaries. However, at least you'll know that you're including her in life and showing respect/love.


This is great constructive advice. Thanks!