Most of the time I'm fine and content to wait and see how things ACTUALLY turn out with my mother's choices etc and deal with things as they come along. But every once in a while something happens which makes me try to mentally start planning/stressing out about my mother's future when I don't even know all the variables.
I mean, there's definitely SOME value to at least getting some ideas, right? Even if it's premature?
My mother is a grab bag of personality/mental disorders including narcissism, hypochondria, depression, hoarding and shopoholic tendencies. Growing up with her was tough, and all of her children have distanced themselves (physically and mentally) but we do still keep in touch although minimally to keep our own lives as drama free as possible.
She is married but that marriage seems to be breaking down and it's obvious she wants to be on her own. She and her husband live in his house, and she has filled quite a bit of it with junk. She does yard sales all the time and gets some money back, but it's usually only the tip of the iceberg and she just buys more junk to bring back into the house. I believe it's a major cause in the breakdown of her relationship with her husband.
She keeps hinting at one of us children either taking her in with us or buying a house with a mother in law suite so she can live in it. This is not happening for two main reasons: First, none of us have the physical room to house her in anyway. Nor are any of us able to afford a mortgage. Secondly, and more majorly than anything else, none of us feel any desire to live with her as she's so incredibly toxic. She will NOT ever change since her narcissism protects her from even considering the possibility that her circumstances are largely the result of her own actions/bad choices. She is perpetually the victim and is capable of amazing feats of mental gymnastics to blame others for her problems.
It would be exhausting to live with her both financially and psychologically. Whoever lives with her would have to constantly deal with her attempts at emotional, mental, and financial manipulation, guilt trips, gaslighting, playing the victim, nonstop talk about her health concerns/complaints, excessive shopping, the probable filling of every empty space with complete junk, and inevitable tantrums every time she doesn't get what she wants.
So it's really the fear of any of us being forced by circumstances of her own making into living in the same house gets me in a mental loop of trying to figure out how, if necessary, we could somehow help my mother have her basic needs met, but still keep the necessary physical and emotional distance to protect our own well-being and sanity.
Her only income is SSI and in our area, there's no way she can live on her own with just that money. I can't remember the exact amount anymore, but I did know at one point and after a bit of google-fu for our state it was obvious she probably wouldn't even be able to afford Section 8 housing and even if she could get Section 8, there is a huge waiting list from what I could find. Like up to 2 years even. She's not even old enough for 55+ communities yet, though her health is so bad you'd think she was in her late 70's or older.
I can keep searching, but most living arrangements seem to be more than what her SSI would be which makes living with her children the only feasible option were she to leave her current husband and that's what starts to freak me out. None of us are willing to, but I could see myself agreeing to take on my mother in order to protect one particular brother who has a young family from the chaos she would cause them if she somehow managed to worm her way into their home life.
I also live in a state with Filial Responsibility laws though I don't know much about them or what they may entail.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Not sure there's an answer but I find this to be a pretty solid community and I'm open to ideas/stories/anecdotes.