my GF and I have been together over 10 years now. It's been an up and down relationship.
yes she's nearing the end of her biological clock, which is prompting this urgency.
She wants a child and I've been delaying and delaying.
I'm considering walking if she won't sign an agreement…
She is a beautiful person with a huge heart. I'm lucky to be with her, even considering our struggles.
Yes I can be self centred and selfish.
Part of my problem is I dislike change. VERY often I resist change.
If you care for your girlfriend as much as you say you do, then you need to let her go.
That is the most compassionate and loving thing you could do for her at this point.
She has very clear goals for her life, which is to have kids and not obsess over every what-if in life.
She's lost a decade of her child-bearing years with you, as you've admittedly been "delaying and delaying" this juncture in your relationship. It is not fair to maintain your game plan of 'running out the clock'.
And given what you have posted, you are clearly not prepared to provide her with the emotional/monetary/supportive needs required for a healthy functioning family environment. Having a child under your current mindset would be a disaster for everyone involved.
Do both of you a favor and go your separate ways. You will both be happier in the end.
You might even find someone that elicits the fire/spark that your current relationship lacks.
I was in your shoes before I met my wife...I wasted many years of my then-girlfriend's life, going through the motions with a status-quo ambivalence towards the relationship, largely ignoring her wants/needs. She finally wised up and left...which was the best thing for both of us. I ended up with an amazing wife with 2 beautiful kids. She got married and had kid(s) as well, and I hope she's as happy as I am.
Well said - and I can tell you based on my long life experience that this will be the best route for both of you.
It isn't unusual to find the "right" partner rather quickly - after a long relationship that both partners knew was going nowhere.
Don't deny yourselves the opportunity to find happiness in a new life - more suited to who you are at your core.
You have set each other ultimatums.
You want a financial agreement or as you said you are ready to walk away. If all you can see is your finances then go ahead - split.
Don't bother with agonizing over whether your decision might be purely selfish - it is and it isn't.
Selfish? - not necessarily, you know what you want out of life and insist on having it.
Trouble is, other people have goals too and know what they want out of life - and deserve to be happy just as much as you do.
This isn't a "he is right and she is wrong" situation - it is a final turning point in your relationship.
You must be very young and immature to think that you can control what happens in your life in the future.
If you lost your job tomorrow, would she be there with financial support if you needed it - left, right and center?
If you got Covid tomorrow and were left with a debilitating collateral damage heart, kidney or stroke condition for the rest of your life - would she be there for you?
Those are the questions to ask!
Not this financial crap, imho unless you've got millions this is just an excuse, because you already know how she feels about this matter.
Are you really scared out of your wits over her potentially walking away with 70% of your assets?
Are you really so inept and incapable - that you are frozen in fear over money? that you don't trust yourself to overcome a financial crisis?
Yes, I heard you say several times that you are risk-averse and don't do well with change.
Well, grow up - life itself is change. It certainly does not consist on focusing solely on FIRE and nothing else.
Planning your financial life is a good thing, but for heaven's sake don't confuse your future plans with "reality".
Just because you planned it doesn't mean it will happen - ever.
You are willing to give up a loving woman that you've spent ten years of your life with because your crystal ball tells you that it might not end well.
I guaranty you that if she was the right partner, you might hiccup a bit, but in the end, you'd agree, because more than anything you would want her in your life.
That's called having a loving relationship with someone you truly want to spend the rest of your life with - come what may!
What this tells me is that basically you have made your decision and are simply procrastinating every possible way. STOP - ten years is enough!
Admit that you just want your cake and eat it too:).
Get over yourself and do her a final, true kindness - let her go, while she can still have children and build a life with someone else who appreciates and loves her more than you "can".
Go on, find the guts to look for someone who is fully on board with your own life plans. I'd go on to say, a woman who also does not want children, there are plenty out there) - but - I'll tell you a secret, based once again on my life experiences - with the right woman, it is entirely possible that you find yourself wanting children. I've seen it happen, many times.
The one who has truly risked more in this relationship isn't you but her - she probably thought you'd come around to wanting children with her.
It is a huge honor to be loved so much that she wants you as the father of her children - yet all you can see is $$$.
You are not in alignment where it counts the most - money and children.
If she is smart, she'll see the light and move on - so you don't have to "officially" make a decision after all.
Remember not making a decision, is also a decision:).
It is OK to move on if you think the time has come to say, "Thank you for ten wonderful years, but I think it is time to go".
I wish you both the best.
