Should I pay for a friend to go to a funeral?

[MrRichards]

An acquaintance/friend-of-a-friend recently passed away from cancer. I knew her, but wouldn't really call us friends, though she was good friends with one particular good friend of mine. Let's call this friend Jane.

Jane lives ~6 hours away from my city, where the funeral will be. She is constantly complaining about how tight money is, which makes some sense given her job and her husband's. What doesn't make sense is how they spend their money: soda and energy drink habits, subscriptions to those box-a-month things, giant vehicles, etc.

I feel bad that Jane probably won't be able to afford to go to the funeral, and I'm considering sending her money anonymously that would allow her to go. But, I can afford to do that because I don't spend money on the things she does. So, part of me thinks that not being able to go to a close friend's funeral is simply a result of wasting money.

If I don't send Jane money, I'm planning to give that amount to either a charity that the woman who passed valued, or to her widower (depending on what his instructions are for memorials).

So, what say you, Mustachians? What should I do?

And, also, if the vote is to send Jane the money, does anyone have an idea on how to send money anonymously?

Thanks much,

Mr Richards

[lizzzi]

No, don't fund her trip to the funeral, anonymously or not.  That is just being crazy over-responsible. She is a married adult, and they should be able to figure it out. "Not your space." so to speak. You don't have a role here.

[ReadySetMillionaire]

Here's the thing about stuff like this: you are directly subsidizing her poor choices by giving her money.

My brother and his GF (who I've posted about extensively) make awful financial choices--his GF had a $545 car payment when she was making $11 or $12 an hour. There was a point in time when they would text me asking for a couple bucks so they could buy pasta and butter. Not kidding--they didn't even have the money to eat.

I could have dropped off actual food, but didn't. Why? Because that would directly subsidize her ridiculous car payment.

Same thing is going on here. You wouldn't be paying for her to go to her friend's funeral, you'd be paying for all her other poor financial habits.

[FernFree]

I wouldn't send the money.  If she can afford it she will be offended (6 hour drive shouldn't be very expensive?) and if she is as irresponsible as you say she might waste the money on other things.

I struggle with this a lot.  I save and don't waste money on stupid stuff and there is always a family member who has no money and I have an internal struggle about helping them.  I try to just stay strong and tell myself that we're all adults and they made their choices.

My mother is 73 and still working full-time because she doesn't have enough savings to retire.  She gives a lot of money to her sister who hasn't held down a real job in about 20 years.  That one boggles my mind -- I have no problem not helping my aunt when she chooses to sit around her apartment smoking cigarettes and watching TV for 20 years instead of working.  It comes full circle though -- my mother doesn't have enough money to retire so do I help her out and use my retirement money for her when she's made bad decisions like subsidizing her sister's laziness for years.

[NextTime]

I think people in this forum are waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too judgmental waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too often.

The only question you need to ask yourself is, "Do you want to give her money to come to this funeral?" That's it. It's your money and your choice. Don't judge her for not being able to afford it be it for the poor financial choices she's made or otherwise. If you want to do it, great. If you don't want to do it, that's perfectly fine as well.

I wouldn't do it anonymously however. As at least one person mentioned here, she might pocket the money rather than go to the funeral. Personally I probably wouldn't do it. Not because of her poor financial habits, but I've really never been big on funerals.

[Frankies Girl]

I wouldn't, but then my personal belief is that funerals are mostly pointless. The loved one is gone and doesn't know or care what people are doing in their honor or who attends or not. But we go through the motions of mourning publicly and at great expense for some reason.


Jane could probably afford it if she really felt she had to go; she seems to find money for stupid things all the time, right? And you're not her keeper, and this isn't an emergency type situation. I think in this case, I agree with the others; she may or may not use anonymous money to go to the funeral - hell, even if you outright gave her the money and told her it was for the funeral she might still not make it - you have no way of knowing for sure. SO totally your choice, but if it was me, nope.

If you want to do something, send a donation to a charity that the deceased might have liked in her memory.

[mskyle]

Definitely don't do it anonymously - that is super weird.

What about offering to let her sleep on your couch if she comes to the funeral (since it's in your city), and then if she says she can't afford gas or bus/train/plane ticket offer to help her with that? You don't even know that she can't afford to come or whether she would even be able to come. She might have to work during the funeral or she might have some other important event she needs to attend that conflicts.

You seem like you're leaping at a chance to judge this woman. Calm down.

[former player]

I think you are getting ahead of yourself here.  You don't know that "Jane" can't afford to come.  You don't even know that she is able to come - she may have other commitments on that day - or particularly wants to come.

If you are going to be in touch with Jane before the funeral happens, you can always offer to represent her at the funeral - which mostly means attending, filling in one of those attendance cards to say you are representing her, and offering condolences on her behalf to the principal mourners.

I wouldn't personally offer her money.

[MandalayVA]

Has Jane specifically said anything about not being able to afford to go?  You may be jumping ahead of yourself.

Also, remember that funerals are for the living.  I doubt her friend is going to hurl lightning bolts up or down at her if she doesn't attend.

[coolistdude]

People spend money on what is most important to them. I took a bus 24 hours or so away for about $200 round trip five years ago...it can't be much more than that. She could carpool too. Sounds like she doesn't have the money to spend to travel how she wants to (plane, hotel...). If so, that's her choice. If Jane complained to me, I'd question her Starbucks consumption...etc.

Bus riding is great for street smarts...I learned what someone on speed looks like, where stoned people sit, custody battles, and people you don't trust for reasons you don't know.

Funerals are to help the people still alive process their fallen comrade. Seeing the person dead, or at least knowing they're in a box for dead people, helps you understand they are truly dead. Then you tell stories about how the person was sweet, or a real jack ass.

[snacky]

Definitely don't do it anonymously - that is super weird.

What about offering to let her sleep on your couch if she comes to the funeral (since it's in your city), and then if she says she can't afford gas or bus/train/plane ticket offer to help her with that? You don't even know that she can't afford to come or whether she would even be able to come. She might have to work during the funeral or she might have some other important event she needs to attend that conflicts.

You seem like you're leaping at a chance to judge this woman. Calm down.

+1

Either be compassionate and help her do something, if she wants the help, that helps her say goodbye to a friend, or stay the hell away from her and keep on judging, but don't try combining compassion and judgementalism. pick one.

[2Birds1Stone]

I wouldn't

[Cassie]

I would see if her spouse needs the $ and if not I would donate to a charity in her name. I do think it is sweet that you want to help. I don't know why some people are being so bitchy about it.

[merula]

It sounds to me like you want to help but have reservations. None of us are completely innocent of passing judgment on others.

If you think having Jane at the funeral will help the widower more than seeing that money go directly to him or to a charity, you could also factor that into your decision.

Definitely don't do it anonymously - that is super weird.

I've been on the sending and receiving side of anonymous money before (but it was short distance, so it was cash through their mailslot, which won't work for OP), and I guess I've never thought of this as weird. What makes it weird for you?

[little_brown_dog]

Wait until jane actually says she cant go....chances are shell find a way to make it if she wants to. Use your generosity to help someone who genuinely needs it like the charity or the departed's family. As of right now all we can assume is that jane doesnt need it because she hasnt asked for help.

[MrsDinero]

Maybe. 

I think it depends on how good of friends you are with Jane.  I have paid for 2 of my friends over the years to travel for an emergency situation.  1 friend was because her mother was dying and she wanted to say goodbye before she did (her mother ended up passing while my friend was there).  The other friend was because her mother had a very serious stroke and was in the hospital. 

Both of these friends would rate very highly on the Anti-Mustachian Wall of Shame.  They make terrible financial decisions, have no emergency fund, and like to spend, spend, spend!  However I also love them both dearly and consider them like family and do not regret paying for their travel. 

If you decide to do it, I would not do it anonymously.  Before you give her money to travel for the funeral, talk to her first.  See if she even wants to go.  Also let her know this is for funeral travel only.  She does not get to have this money if she decides to not go. 

[mskyle]

It sounds to me like you want to help but have reservations. None of us are completely innocent of passing judgment on others.

If you think having Jane at the funeral will help the widower more than seeing that money go directly to him or to a charity, you could also factor that into your decision.

Definitely don't do it anonymously - that is super weird.

I've been on the sending and receiving side of anonymous money before (but it was short distance, so it was cash through their mailslot, which won't work for OP), and I guess I've never thought of this as weird. What makes it weird for you?

If you're giving someone money for a specific, time-limited expense like travel to a funeral, I think you need to talk to them about it... what if the receiver can't go or doesn't want to go to the funeral? She can't return the money if she doesn't know who it's from. If you're giving someone money anonymously I think you have to be OK with it going to the "general fund," even if that means it gets used on a cheese-of-the-month club.

[warmastoast]

I'd ask her if she wants to go to the funeral.  If you want to help her with this expense, then do it.  That would be compassionate and kind. You're not offering to fund the rest of her life, you're making a gift.

[slappy]

Maybe. 

I think it depends on how good of friends you are with Jane.  I have paid for 2 of my friends over the years to travel for an emergency situation.  1 friend was because her mother was dying and she wanted to say goodbye before she did (her mother ended up passing while my friend was there).  The other friend was because her mother had a very serious stroke and was in the hospital. 

Both of these friends would rate very highly on the Anti-Mustachian Wall of Shame.  They make terrible financial decisions, have no emergency fund, and like to spend, spend, spend!  However I also love them both dearly and consider them like family and do not regret paying for their travel. 

If you decide to do it, I would not do it anonymously.  Before you give her money to travel for the funeral, talk to her first.  See if she even wants to go.  Also let her know this is for funeral travel only.  She does not get to have this money if she decides to not go.

This is what I was going to say.  I have also helped a friend with money for funeral expenses when her brother died from an OD.  She did pay me back some of the money, and the rest was a gift.  She also has a somewhat spendy pants lifestyle that I question, but I care about her more than I care about her lifestyle, especially in that situation. If you aren't close with Jane, it makes less sense to give her money in this situation.

[norabird]

Donate the money. And if you like, set up a small local memorial night for you and Jane to remember the person who passed away.

[use2betrix]

If you send money to her you could pretend it's from the deceased person coming back from the grave to haunt her of her poor financial decisions and this is a sign to turn her life around?

If I died I'd hope someone would pretend they were me and send out letters like that.

[MrRichards]

Thanks for your input everyone. Both Jane and the deceased are actually closer friends with my SO, so the whole thing is out of my hands at this point, though I'll share this for help with the decision.

If you send money to her you could pretend it's from the deceased person coming back from the grave to haunt her of her poor financial decisions and this is a sign to turn her life around?

If I died I'd hope someone would pretend they were me and send out letters like that.

If I died, that would be a completely legit way to honor my memory. Unfortunately (or, probably, fortunately), the woman who died would not have found it funny or honoring to be done on her behalf.

[bogart]

Not the question the OP asked, but when my BIL, who has not managed his life/finances well, had his car break down en route to his brother's funeral, and therefore missed the funeral, I wished we'd offered to pay for him to have a plane ticket, or rent a car, or that we'd simply picked him up (we also drove to the funeral -- about a 10-hour drive for each of us, and not starting from exactly the same spot).  It was important to him to attend, and there are things on which you don't get do-overs, this, obviously, was one.  Sure, he's lived irresponsibly and should do better, but all the same.

That said, he's a BIL, not "just" a friend.  And his money mismanagement notwithstanding, he's got his good points (imagine that).  So that's not directly relevant to the OP's question, but FWIW.