Author Topic: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?  (Read 40075 times)

stratozyck

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #100 on: April 12, 2016, 09:19:37 AM »
She bought the house before we started dating. I only wanted her to admit that buying a house was a mistake. This house is still a mistake because as in the previous paragraph, it is very likely we will move. Currently I live away from my job and she has no job. It is not a long term stable situation and because of the 15/year mortgage that I had no say in, I am stuck socking a lot away into this house when I'd rather be renting a small apartment and saving for a downpayment (at higher rates of return than the mortgage).
Since it's a 15, not 30, year mortgage, your payments are having a much higher principal:interest ratio than on a 30, so that's something. You're getting equity in the house. You'll have to move in a couple years? Fine. In the meanwhile, the house is gaining in equity beyond whatever down payment she saved up and invested in it to start with. When you move in a few years, sell this house and use THAT for the down payment on the new one. You are not missing out on the opportunity to make a down payment on a house in a better location later.


She did not make a down payment. She got a $0 down loan.

stratozyck

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #101 on: April 12, 2016, 10:05:00 AM »

You act like life is something that just happened to you. But actually, you're a victim of yourself. You've repeatedly Knight-in-Shining-Armored this woman. You didn't want to ruin her excitement on her big day, so you supported her in a life-altering decision you didn't like. You swooped in to pay her mortgage. You put your career on hold to move to her location. You're prancing around on your white horse and blaming your princess for the manure.

This is brilliant - especially the last line!

I do not think it has been mentioned yet - while lots of these issues started before baby, if you still have a child under 1 this is not necessarily the time to expect your wife to be at her most rational.  Learn to communicate better over the next few months, then make some hard decisions together once baby is a little bit older.  Few of us are at our best with a new baby in the house (yourself included.)  Hang in there, I am sure you guys will sort this out.


Thanks - I will (hopefully) let this thread die down. Very few answered the original question - is this normal? A few did. A lot of people didn't like my tone and while I get that, I feel better after I vent as opposed to bottling it up. The counseling suggestions/concerns about divorce were so off base - I went here precisely because the issue is "settled" with her. We've spoken about it. Both of us are also very Catholic and divorce is not (and never will) be a consideration. Its a rhetorical question - but aren't we allowed to complain? I mean, people go to bars all the time and vent and no one thinks that makes you a bad person. I'd just prefer to do it without the alcohol tab.

We were friends for about 8 years before we got married. She is someone that causes other people to go "oh gosh, she's so na´ve!" So it makes me want to protect/save her. She's very smart and optimistic and the optimistic part can come back to bite her a lot. I am the pessimist/realist and we balance each other out. She once invited a random stranger to help her move in - the guy ended up being a really bad guy but somehow nothing bad happened to her.

This is a rhetorical question - but aren't we allowed to complain? I am a loving husband and have taken time off of work to watch our baby alone so she can do things she wants to do. Can't I at least go - some things about this suck! When I got this job I thought "I'd be retiring in my 50s." Now... ?

Anyways as a parting summary this is what I've done financially since posting this:

- Told her we cannot go on two vacations this year. We will go on one and I also convinced her to take a train instead of flying (I hate flying - I've done it so much and dread it every time).

- Decided to refinance my student loans at a much lower variable interest rate. I will put about 1,000 a month into a bond fund and if the student loan variable rate gets above the rate of return on the bond I will shift to paying off the loan (and in 2-3 years could have enough in the bond fund to pay the loan payments with the bond coupon). This gives us additional liquidity - as the sole earner I worry greatly about losing my job and would prefer to have 2-3 years after tax salary than paying off student loan debt. I could pay off the loan in 3 years without major hardship but if I can borrow at 3% to get 5% returns - why not?

- Requested to relocate my office closer to home so I can bike to work. I have an old car and if I can put off getting a newer one another 5 years that would save a lot.

Cassie

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #102 on: April 12, 2016, 10:25:47 AM »
Of course you can complain-no big deal. However, I do think you both need counseling in order to sort things out before they fester. Most people who get divorced never thought they would or they stay together and are miserable. If things aren't worked out eventually neither of you will care enough to try.  Counseling is a good thing not a bad thing. 

humbleMouse

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #103 on: April 12, 2016, 10:34:30 AM »
I hate it when people ask for advice on a public forum and complain "nobody answered the original question."

Everybody here is trying to help you.  You ask "is this normal?"

What kind of question is that?  Normal means different things to different people.  In my personal opinion being religious in 2016 is batshit insane - but its a free country so whatever.

If you want a free pass to complain that's usually what people have friends for or go to therapy sessions for.  I would highly suggest either option for you if you don't want to have your life blasted on a public personal finance forum. 

mskyle

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #104 on: April 12, 2016, 11:06:32 AM »
Honestly, I think the kinds of problems you're describing are really normal, though also very undesirable. I get that these are hard conversations to have, but it's really important to talk about your life goals (individually and as a couple), ideally before you do anything un-take-backable like have kids. If you guys have different expectations about how you're going to share responsibility for your financial life as a family, that's a big deal and you need to talk about it.

You're in a difficult position because probably your relationship with your wife has been based around NOT having these kinds of difficult conversations, and if you want to start now with some Real Talk your wife may well feel like you're changing the rules. That's why couples' therapy might be a good option - structure and a neutral third party could really help out here!

Allie

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #105 on: April 12, 2016, 12:24:53 PM »
My husband and I have a very similar arrangement to what you and your wife have on paper...he works for the money at a job he enjoys enough while I stay home with the kids, dream up grand plans, do some random projects in social services, and do the radical homemaking I enjoy while we squirrel away money to get out of the race by our early 40s.  We will probably have issues getting rid of our house in a few years and will be frustrated that we are saddled with the expense.  Young children have made our lives nuts for a couple years, but having a family is awesome.  We came to this arrangement through careful consideration and because my DH likes to take care of me and wanted to have support while he climbed through the ranks.

So, in response to your question, if you are comparing your situation to what I experience you shouldn't be upset.  In fact, it sounds almost perfect!

But, your question is flawed.  Your being upset or not upset should have nothing to do with whether or not your life is normal.  Nothing about my house is normal.  Nothing about this forum is normal.  That's why it's so awesome.  If you look around and think, "wow, this is perfectly normal!" You are doing something wrong.  That's when you should be upset.  :-)

Miss Piggy

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #106 on: April 12, 2016, 01:22:31 PM »
I know you're trying to let this thread die, but I have some additional thoughts to share.

You're asking whether you should be upset. The reality is you already are. And yes, I believe that's okay.

You're asking whether what you've experienced is normal. I assume, based on the fact that you're asking, that it's not normal for you and your wife. (Alternatively, are things so new that you really don't have an established "normal" yet?)

Some questions to ponder:

- What is/are the real source(s) of your displeasure? The fact that you "had to" move? The 0% down payment? The less-than-smart job decision and subsequent job loss? The need to adjust your vision of the future because of all of this? The fact that you feel most/all of this was outside of your control? All of the above combined? Something else entirely?

- To what extent do you feel like this all boils down to a lack of communication or lack of approaching things as true partners? If this is true to a great extent, then I believe the suggestions for counseling are valid. Do you?

big_owl

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #107 on: April 12, 2016, 06:08:24 PM »
So to answer your question....no that shit's not normal, at least in my experience, sounds like you should get some counseling.  Happy?
« Last Edit: April 12, 2016, 06:19:39 PM by big_owl »

stratozyck

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #108 on: April 13, 2016, 12:37:57 PM »
Its all moot now - I talked to my wife and I am trying to get a new and better job. I am interviewing for one soon that would be a 80% raise. One thing that really got to me with the move is putting my career on hold. I know I am top 10% in my career but on my team I have bottom 25% quality people getting 50% more pay than me. Being remote I don't have a negotiating leg to stand on.

All is well that ends well.

BFGirl

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #109 on: April 13, 2016, 01:29:56 PM »
Its all moot now - I talked to my wife and I am trying to get a new and better job. I am interviewing for one soon that would be a 80% raise. One thing that really got to me with the move is putting my career on hold. I know I am top 10% in my career but on my team I have bottom 25% quality people getting 50% more pay than me. Being remote I don't have a negotiating leg to stand on.

All is well that ends well.

I am glad that you and your wife talked and that it seems to have worked out for you.  Best of luck!!

FrugalFan

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #110 on: April 13, 2016, 02:11:50 PM »
Good luck!

elaine amj

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #111 on: April 16, 2016, 11:18:28 PM »
Hope all goes well with u for the job hunt!


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debbie does duncan

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #112 on: April 17, 2016, 08:52:49 AM »
Is this normal...is the wrong question to ask.
What is wrong with this......leads to a more open ended exploration.
 Karpman Drama Triangle , stop rescuing .


Pigeon

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #113 on: April 18, 2016, 11:57:26 AM »
I'm kind of amazed at the number of people who think its OK for a man who gets his fiance/wife pregnant to demand that she immediately go back to work after having the baby and shirk his responsibility to provide for his family. I made sure my wife knew when she had our child that if she wanted to stay home, she could(and that going back to work was also totally OK).

I'm kind of amazed that in 2016 anyone thinks that women aren't equally responsible for the financial well being of their families because they happen to have ladybits.

I don't think anyone has an automatic right to be a SAHP.  If a couple agrees on it, wants to do it, and can swing it financially, fine.  That doesn't seem to be the case here.

OP, you seem to have a lot of issues in your marriage.  You don't seem to be able to communicate at all with your spouse as well as differing goals.  The two of you need to work on this together.  You seem to have contempt for her, which seldom ends well.  I think you could benefit from counseling.

I am a woman, and I would never support another able bodied person to be a SAHP, period.  So, I can understand where you are coming from with that.  My SIL is similar to your wife.  She's capable of working, but wanted to find a well paying dream job as an artist that wouldn't require her to work very hard.  She's not a good artist, and this fantasy job has never been dropped in her lap.  She has one kid who is now in college and hasn't worked a day since she got pregnant.  This would be a complete non-starter for me, and it has stressed my brother out a great deal.

You two need to find a mutually agreeable, realistic financial plan.

BTW, I tend to agree with you about consultants, yet I come across students in business schools who are allegedly being educated to become consultants upon graduation.  Go figure.

RavensBrew

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #114 on: April 18, 2016, 12:41:43 PM »
This reminds me of a friend whose wife doesn't want to make love very often (3 or 4 times a year) and who isn't interested in changing. I feel for him. I also think you either have to accept that that is the way it's going to be and if you can't there's no point in sticking around. I know that's extremely harsh but is it worth being angry at each other for the rest of your life? And if you accept it, REALLY accept it. I have another friend who got married a 2nd time when he was 40. She was about 10 years younger and they both had good careers. He told me after his first wife he didn't want to be in a situation where he was the breadwinner. First thing that happened when she had her baby? "I'm going to take more than 3 months off." It's now been a couple of years and he has come to terms with it but he talks about "when she goes back to work." Your scenario is TERRIFYING to me. I dated my SO for 5 years before we lived together and we left no stone unturned. We still have issues (15 years now) but we're on the same page, and always have been, where our future plans are concerned. Not wanting kids takes a lot of stress off too.

Good luck!

JCfire

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #115 on: April 18, 2016, 12:48:45 PM »
OP, you have brought up separate issues and conflated them into one, clouding things a bit.  Here is what I would say about the issues separately:
(1)  While you were engaged, before you were married, she took a risk on what she considered her dream job.  You thought it was a bad decision but said nothing.  She stopped getting paid within 2 months.  Afterwards you married her.  This issue is closed and inadmissible.  She may not have had the best judgment, but neither did you, and you don't get to say "told you so" unless you actually told her so. 

(2)  You two got pregnant and she wants to be a SAHM.  This is one of those issues that you should have discussed before getting married.  Did you discuss it and she changed her mind, or did she just not discuss it?  Either way, this needs to be a joint decision -- she cannot dictate, you cannot dictate, you guys need to keep discussing it until you agree on a solution or there is a total impasse, and an impasse means the end of your marriage.  For some reason people earlier in the thread have confused joint decision with the man dictating things.

(3)  Should you take two vacations and see her family?  Sounds like a budgeting decision.  You have a household income and household expenses and must make joint decisions about them.  She should not be able to dictate, neither should you.  If the decision on expenses is tangled up with who brings home the bacon in your household, you're going to have a bad time.  If you don't talk about joint decisions in a transparent and mutually open minded way, you're going to have a bad time.  I think you'll get the hang of it.

mpcharles

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #116 on: April 20, 2016, 05:06:10 AM »
I would have left her ages ago. Sorry she does seem rather delusional and lacking a base intelligence. But you are the meal ticket now. Be a man and dominate your house, your woman and lead your family.

That way no more fairyland journeys.



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2Birds1Stone

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #117 on: April 20, 2016, 07:31:44 AM »
How would she feel about you being the SAHP?

 Just based on your posts in this thread this sounds far off from a "match made in heaven". Catholic or not you have to be compatible to be happy with them till death. While you were "friends for 8 years" I am not sure a friendship and marriage are quite the same.

I wish you luck in your marriage and finances, if it were me I would encourage her to find some sort of part time work from home so you are not footing the entire bill.


mozar

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Re: Should I be upset with my spouse or is this normal?
« Reply #119 on: April 20, 2016, 08:39:39 PM »
Rhetorical question: is it OK to complain in a forum/ website built around the idea that people should get off their asses and stop being a complainy-pants?