Author Topic: Retire before Parents?  (Read 2817 times)

MasterStache

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Retire before Parents?
« on: September 11, 2018, 06:32:48 AM »
Since we are a community of early retirees I thought it would be prudent to see how many others retired before their parents?

I am certainly the black sheep in my family coming from one parent who was/still is a shopping addict and another who is a gambling addict (thus why they still work). I also have two brothers both of whom are deep in debt.

Case

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2018, 06:35:33 AM »
Since we are a community of early retirees I thought it would be prudent to see how many others retired before their parents?

I am certainly the black sheep in my family coming from one parent who was/still is a shopping addict and another who is a gambling addict (thus why they still work). I also have two brothers both of whom are deep in debt.

Why is this question prudent?

bluebelle

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2018, 07:16:10 AM »
I'd understand along the vein of question - "for those of you that retired before your parents, what was their reaction".

Question as asked doesn't have alot of value; you need to know the ages of the parents as well as the poster for it to have any relevance.  For example, my parents will be retired for 30 years when I retire, but they were 42 when I was born.  Dad retired the month before I graduated university (him 64, me 22), until then it hadn't dawned on me that they were significantly older than my peers parents.

nereo

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2018, 07:33:25 AM »
Agree the OP could use more context to further discussion.

FWIW, my brother "retired" in his early 30s, about five years before my dad retired at 67. 

I say "retired" (in quotation marks) because my brother falls into the ERE-style crowd (though he's not influenced by nor communicates with online EREs, as far as I know).  When he declared his retirement he spent a few years slow traveling and volunteering for an NGO.  Since then his volunteer position has morphed into a paid, on-demand gig, and he's taken on other projects like building a rental home in Central America that the IRP would determine to be "work" and therefore negate his "retirement".

It makes no difference to me.  He's now in his 40s, has multiple, moderate income streams and still works when and where he wants to and his savings account has slowly increased since his initial 'retirement'. Father, on the other hand, has taken what many consider to be the 'classic' retirement - he golfs, he gardens, he does home repair projects but  nothing anyone would constitute as a 'job', and lives a very comfortable life on his sizable savings + SS + pension.


2Birds1Stone

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2018, 07:42:20 AM »
It's looking like my dad and I will retire around the same time, him ~65, me 33-34.

MasterStache

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2018, 07:58:26 AM »
Obviously the question isn't relevant to everyone. Specifically many of those with "older" parents. My parents were very early 20s when they had me. Both are early/mid 60s and I am early 40s. I was just curious to see if others are in a similar situation.

Hopefully that helps those who seem royally confused.

MasterStache

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2018, 08:07:32 AM »
Since we are a community of early retirees I thought it would be prudent to see how many others retired before their parents?

I am certainly the black sheep in my family coming from one parent who was/still is a shopping addict and another who is a gambling addict (thus why they still work). I also have two brothers both of whom are deep in debt.

Why is this question prudent?

http://www.learnersdictionary.com/definition/prudent

boarder42

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2018, 08:14:34 AM »
my parents are retired b/c they had us when they were older they could have retired earlier but - i do think we will retire far before my wife's parents if they ever do retire.

fatcow240

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2018, 08:41:15 AM »
This is a concern of mine.  SO and my parents are split and don't have any retirement plans (savings).  I will likely have to support them.  It is further complicated since they are all living separately, that is four housings.

Retire-Canada

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MasterStache

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #10 on: September 11, 2018, 11:45:24 AM »
http://www.learnersdictionary.com/definition/prudent

You didn't answer the question.

Because my question was based on curiosity stemming from my perception of the early retirement community being prudent in nature. One result being that I was able to retire before both of my parents and again, curious if others are experiencing a similar situation.

 

nereo

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #11 on: September 11, 2018, 11:56:28 AM »
http://www.learnersdictionary.com/definition/prudent

You didn't answer the question.

Because my question was based on curiosity stemming from my perception of the early retirement community being prudent in nature. One result being that I was able to retire before both of my parents and again, curious if others are experiencing a similar situation.

Still confused - I can see how it would be prudent to achieve FI early in one's life, not how it would be prudent to ask such a question.

@MasterSatche - you say your personal experience is with older family members who cannot retire until very late in life; how is this going to impact your own path, if at all?  Even though my parents waited until their late 60s to retire (and by all accounts "overshot" their retirement), I consider myself very fortunate in that arena insomuch as I don't anticipate ever having to financially support any members of my immediate family.  I have to remind myself often that part of my own financial security is being lucky enough to not have to shoulder such burdens.

Retire-Canada

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #12 on: September 11, 2018, 11:59:34 AM »
One result being that I was able to retire before both of my parents and again, curious if others are experiencing a similar situation.

Okay got it. You used prudent incorrectly in your OP. That was what was throwing us for a loop.

MasterStache

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #13 on: September 11, 2018, 12:05:21 PM »
One result being that I was able to retire before both of my parents and again, curious if others are experiencing a similar situation.

Okay got it. You used prudent incorrectly in your OP. That was what was throwing us for a loop.

I think it depends on how you read and interpret it, but I understand the confusion. Sorry about that.

MasterStache

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #14 on: September 11, 2018, 12:12:21 PM »
@MasterSatche - you say your personal experience is with older family members who cannot retire until very late in life; how is this going to impact your own path, if at all?  Even though my parents waited until their late 60s to retire (and by all accounts "overshot" their retirement), I consider myself very fortunate in that arena insomuch as I don't anticipate ever having to financially support any members of my immediate family.  I have to remind myself often that part of my own financial security is being lucky enough to not have to shoulder such burdens.

Good question. We did at one point help out my mother-in-law financially, who sadly passed away about 4 years ago. I don't intend on help out my father at all (although he asked for money). A person with a gambling addiction isn't going to spend money wisely. My mother is a bit unique though. She has made comments about us "taking care of her" in old age. That's a tough one for me because she has been a great mom and an awesome grandmother, but absolutely lousy with money. In fact she is living in my brother's basement right now. She just received a rather large inheritance but is currently spending it like it will never run out. She has asked me for investment advice but I don't think she'll have any left here soon to invest. So personally it's a tough call and if I make a choice to help her out down the road it will in fact impact us financially.

nereo

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #15 on: September 11, 2018, 12:15:38 PM »
hmmm - I normally think think they are horrible for most people, but would your mother consider a fixed annuity that you could help her set up?

MasterStache

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #16 on: September 11, 2018, 12:41:21 PM »
hmmm - I normally think think they are horrible for most people, but would your mother consider a fixed annuity that you could help her set up?

I dunno. I am still waiting on her to officially hand the investing "reigns" over to me. I am just not convinced there will be much if any money left. It's frustrating to watch. Spending is all she has known her entire life. I almost think saving scares her.

Retire-Canada

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #17 on: September 11, 2018, 12:49:13 PM »
I dunno. I am still waiting on her to officially hand the investing "reigns" over to me. I am just not convinced there will be much if any money left. It's frustrating to watch. Spending is all she has known her entire life. I almost think saving scares her.

Let her know right now that you won't be financially back stopping her if she spends all this money

nereo

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #18 on: September 11, 2018, 01:27:22 PM »
hmmm - I normally think think they are horrible for most people, but would your mother consider a fixed annuity that you could help her set up?

I dunno. I am still waiting on her to officially hand the investing "reigns" over to me. I am just not convinced there will be much if any money left. It's frustrating to watch. Spending is all she has known her entire life. I almost think saving scares her.

Talking about money is one of the hardest things for most families to do, but it only gets worse over time

Prairie Stash

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #19 on: September 11, 2018, 04:45:08 PM »
If you retire before your parents; will they expect more from you in both time and money? Many parents will, so some of us need to practice saying NO or learn to accomodate their demands.

As for your mother, if you haven't given her advice yet, why not? If a grown woman ignores your advice, that's on her. Take it as a sign, she doesn't want advice, she wants a lifeline and used the "advice" as a guage to see how much you could have.

Some people are clever, they know that people with good investment advice have a lot of money (at least they assume that). By giving good advice, you confirmed you're one of those with money, perfect for someone who knows they'll need money in the future but not now. Its a long game strategy, the first step is to find the victims in the long game. Then you build up a few trust conversations, just to get the mark to relax a bit. A small loan or two, then presto you become a source of income and are too guilt ridden to cut it off.

The best thing to do is stop it in its tracks. The longer it goes the harder it is to unravel for everyone.

Duke03

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #20 on: September 11, 2018, 05:37:57 PM »
If you retire before your parents; will they expect more from you in both time and money? Many parents will, so some of us need to practice saying NO or learn to accomodate their demands.

As for your mother, if you haven't given her advice yet, why not? If a grown woman ignores your advice, that's on her. Take it as a sign, she doesn't want advice, she wants a lifeline and used the "advice" as a guage to see how much you could have.

Some people are clever, they know that people with good investment advice have a lot of money (at least they assume that). By giving good advice, you confirmed you're one of those with money, perfect for someone who knows they'll need money in the future but not now. Its a long game strategy, the first step is to find the victims in the long game. Then you build up a few trust conversations, just to get the mark to relax a bit. A small loan or two, then presto you become a source of income and are too guilt ridden to cut it off.

The best thing to do is stop it in its tracks. The longer it goes the harder it is to unravel for everyone.

x10000

I've seen several close friends retire only to then get nominated to take care of their folks.  It's not the whole cook them dinner and clean and bath them its more along the lines of being their chauffer, butler, and in many cases their psychologist.  I've literally seen a friend of mine age 10 years in the past year because of him taking care of his mother.  I've tried to intervene and tell him that he needs time for himself, but he refuses.  I even told him at his current rate he will die before his mother and then who will take care of her.  It's sad.....

Case

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #21 on: September 11, 2018, 05:42:08 PM »
One result being that I was able to retire before both of my parents and again, curious if others are experiencing a similar situation.

Okay got it. You used prudent incorrectly in your OP. That was what was throwing us for a loop.

I think it depends on how you read and interpret it, but I understand the confusion. Sorry about that.

No need to beat a dead horse... looks like others have explained my point.

JLee

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #22 on: September 11, 2018, 06:01:26 PM »
I fully expect that I will retire before my parents, probably a long time before...

Linda_Norway

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #23 on: September 12, 2018, 01:19:13 AM »
My parents in law retired at the age of 50, shortly after DH and I started to work fulltime.
My mother retired years ago. She received a life insurance payout after my father's death in 1995, as well as a widower's pension and her own pension. No chance I could have beaten my mother and parents in law.

Sibley

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #24 on: September 12, 2018, 06:40:10 AM »
This is a concern of mine.  SO and my parents are split and don't have any retirement plans (savings).  I will likely have to support them.  It is further complicated since they are all living separately, that is four housings.

No, you don't have to support them. You may, if you choose, help them out. There are things such as subsidized housing, food stamps, Medicare/Medicaid, which you could help them understand and apply for.

Your failure to plan does not make an emergency for me.

fatcow240

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #25 on: September 12, 2018, 07:39:02 AM »
This is a concern of mine.  SO and my parents are split and don't have any retirement plans (savings).  I will likely have to support them.  It is further complicated since they are all living separately, that is four housings.

No, you don't have to support them. You may, if you choose, help them out. There are things such as subsidized housing, food stamps, Medicare/Medicaid, which you could help them understand and apply for.
You are correct.  I don't have to. I should say that I would likely feel bad living in retirement while our parents are still struggling to get by.
Quote
Your failure to plan does not make an emergency for me.
I remember talking to my FiL 16 years ago, outlining a 10 year retirement plan.  I still can't get him to even open an IRA.

Prairie Stash

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #26 on: September 12, 2018, 08:31:10 AM »
This is a concern of mine.  SO and my parents are split and don't have any retirement plans (savings).  I will likely have to support them.  It is further complicated since they are all living separately, that is four housings.

No, you don't have to support them. You may, if you choose, help them out. There are things such as subsidized housing, food stamps, Medicare/Medicaid, which you could help them understand and apply for.
You are correct.  I don't have to. I should say that I would likely feel bad living in retirement while our parents are still struggling to get by.
Quote
Your failure to plan does not make an emergency for me.
I remember talking to my FiL 16 years ago, outlining a 10 year retirement plan.  I still can't get him to even open an IRA.
Self inflicted or real struggle? Lots of parents refuse to accept personal responsibility, its not just kids that struggle with it. 4 houses, all living alone I bet, how many of them are oversized? How any of them are buying new cars and "struggling" to save?

My rule of thumb is that people spending more to live then I do aren't struggling. It keeps it relative, if I forgo cable I'm not going to send you money for your cable bill. If I drive a 10 year old car, you aren't geting help with car payments. If you choose to eat out a lot, get a job to support your habits or change your ways.

They're grownups. One of the perks of being a grown up is choosing your own path. You can eat Ice Cream for supper every night, but the consequences are on you. However, I applaud you for showing them choices, that is the right response. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

Its tough love, which is one of the kindest forms of love in the long term. Soft love is the worst kind, thats where you get people to become dependant on you. Soft love leads to kids living in your basement and failing to launch. Tough love is making them strong and independant. Don't take away your parents independance, in the long term its terrible for everyone.

mm1970

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #27 on: September 12, 2018, 12:34:57 PM »
This is a concern of mine.  SO and my parents are split and don't have any retirement plans (savings).  I will likely have to support them.  It is further complicated since they are all living separately, that is four housings.
people cannot take advantage of you without your permission

patchyfacialhair

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #28 on: September 12, 2018, 12:35:57 PM »
This is a concern of mine.  SO and my parents are split and don't have any retirement plans (savings).  I will likely have to support them.  It is further complicated since they are all living separately, that is four housings.

No, you don't have to support them. You may, if you choose, help them out. There are things such as subsidized housing, food stamps, Medicare/Medicaid, which you could help them understand and apply for.
You are correct.  I don't have to. I should say that I would likely feel bad living in retirement while our parents are still struggling to get by.
Quote
Your failure to plan does not make an emergency for me.
I remember talking to my FiL 16 years ago, outlining a 10 year retirement plan.  I still can't get him to even open an IRA.

Yep. Drew up a 15 year plan for my FIL (starting from nothing but home equity for net worth). Since then, 3 new vehicle purchases, multiple international trips, and cosmetic home improvements. I'm not going to nag him, but my wife is very clear that we won't be providing any financial support when it inevitably hits the fan.

Cassie

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #29 on: September 12, 2018, 02:00:08 PM »
Some of you guys have interesting parents. At 64 I would never take money from my kids and my parents didn’t either. People need to learn to live on what they have.

Loren Ver

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #30 on: September 14, 2018, 05:30:01 AM »
I'll be retiring at 37.  My dad retired at 40, when I was in middle school.  So a hard no there.

My mom LOVES to teach, at 70 she still substitute teaches at the little Lutheran school when they give her a call.  Even after dad retired.  I bet (and hope) she keeps it up until she just can't physically do it any more.  When she subs for gym class, she still runs around with the kids.  It's wonderful.  Some might argue, since she gets most of her money from investments, that she is retired, but she wouldn't call herself so. 

FIL was forced to retire due to illness (brain tumor) at around 60, so yes there.  He really wanted to keep working, but alas.
MIL retired from teaching to take care of him (mid 50s) and has stayed retired since his passing.  So a yes there.
Since they could both leave work even with the medical bills and such, and MIL is doing fine (her and I travel internationally together) I'd say working wasn't a necessity, but something they chose to do.  Or they never considered ER as a thing. 

Linda_Norway

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #31 on: September 14, 2018, 05:54:03 AM »
I'll be retiring at 37.  My dad retired at 40, when I was in middle school.  So a hard no there.

My mom LOVES to teach, at 70 she still substitute teaches at the little Lutheran school when they give her a call.  Even after dad retired.  I bet (and hope) she keeps it up until she just can't physically do it any more.  When she subs for gym class, she still runs around with the kids.  It's wonderful.  Some might argue, since she gets most of her money from investments, that she is retired, but she wouldn't call herself so. 

FIL was forced to retire due to illness (brain tumor) at around 60, so yes there.  He really wanted to keep working, but alas.
MIL retired from teaching to take care of him (mid 50s) and has stayed retired since his passing.  So a yes there.
Since they could both leave work even with the medical bills and such, and MIL is doing fine (her and I travel internationally together) I'd say working wasn't a necessity, but something they chose to do.  Or they never considered ER as a thing.

Sound like a good thing for your mother, teaching now and then as long as she enjoys it.

use2betrix

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Re: Retire before Parents?
« Reply #32 on: September 14, 2018, 07:03:26 AM »
I'll be retiring at 37.  My dad retired at 40, when I was in middle school.  So a hard no there.

My mom LOVES to teach, at 70 she still substitute teaches at the little Lutheran school when they give her a call.  Even after dad retired.  I bet (and hope) she keeps it up until she just can't physically do it any more.  When she subs for gym class, she still runs around with the kids.  It's wonderful.  Some might argue, since she gets most of her money from investments, that she is retired, but she wouldn't call herself so. 

FIL was forced to retire due to illness (brain tumor) at around 60, so yes there.  He really wanted to keep working, but alas.
MIL retired from teaching to take care of him (mid 50s) and has stayed retired since his passing.  So a yes there.
Since they could both leave work even with the medical bills and such, and MIL is doing fine (her and I travel internationally together) I'd say working wasn't a necessity, but something they chose to do.  Or they never considered ER as a thing.

Sound like a good thing for your mother, teaching now and then as long as she enjoys it.

My parents will retire in their early 60’s in a few years. My mom already works 3 days a week and my dad from home twice a week. My dad enjoys his job and will likely volunteer a lot when he retires. He already volunteers where he works doing different tasks on Saturday mornings.

I’ll likely be 3-5 years behind them. I love it. My wife and I love spending time with my parents so we look forward to plenty more. They live across the country so we’ve been robbed of time with them for the last 8-10 years as I work a ton. We have taken a couple sabbaticals the last couple years and stayed with them for about 2 months total. It was great. We paid for food and cleaned and cooked a ton to pull our weight around the house. They appreciated the company.

One of the months my retired aunt and uncle were also visiting for a month so we all had a blast together also. They are all pretty aware of our retirement goals and good financial situation. I have no secrets in that regards from my parents as they are genuinely good down to earth people who are proud to see how far I have come. While my aunt and uncle were there, we’d all often joke about my wife and I already being “practically retired.”