We have a similar situation as the OP, except no resentment. We are also planning on retiring separately due to different wants and spending habits. Once I caught the FIRE bug, I explained to DH how we could both retire early, but it would mean that we forego certain luxuries. I laid out an extreme plan, a medium plan, and a ‘keep going as-is’ plan.
While he liked the idea of ER, there were certain things he wasn’t willing to do. For example, he doesn’t want to move from our big house (we built it, so emotionally attached), and he wants to keep his hobby habit ($1,000 per month). I agreed to work longer so we could stay in the house (since this was an existing commitment made by both), but I wasn’t willing to work another 7 years so we could support his hobby habit. He is willing to keep working, and says there isn’t much point in having all this time if he can’t do what he loves – I totally get it. However, he also understands that it’s unfair that I should work extra-long so that he can fund an excessive hobby.
So, we’ve agreed on cutting back on things that are fairly painless (groceries, fancy cars, fancy phones, eating out, etc.) – this results in me retiring in 3 years and him in 5 years. Longer than I wanted, but I’m okay with it and so is he.
To the OP: You need to think about what life will be like with you home and her at work – like FrankieGirl said, you need to paint a picture that is going to benefit her, too. But, at the end of the day, she needs to make a decision that says, “I want ‘things’ and I’m willing to work for them…. Or NOT”. It’s really her choice to make cutbacks on current/future spending decisions about the big things (bigger living quarters). I’m hoping you guys are not nitpicking on small things like cable, but rather the big ticket items. Things that you both already committed to should also be upheld, unless you both agree to dropping them.
Talk through it some more, find out what part she thinks she might resent, and see if there is something you can do to ease that (that doesn’t require you working longer!). Or ask the question, if you think you might resent it (or miss out), then are you willing to forego some of the luxuries so you can join me? This puts the decision/control with her. You guys may be able to meet in the middle somewhere.