Author Topic: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.  (Read 4379 times)

HovEratoTo

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Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« on: February 05, 2018, 06:38:58 PM »
Hi everyone,

I could use some Mustachian real talk.

In short, how do you let go of your job and all the security and sense of identity it gives you? How do you make the leap to FIRE and trust it'll be ok?

I've been at the same company for 8ish years - basically most of my professional career. By most conventional standards I've been successful. Through hard work and a bit of luck I've also managed to come very far in my FIRE goals in that time.

I'm still working through the details of being ready to FIRE but as it's become more real I've found myself psychologically clinging to my job more than ever. Which is terrible because for years I've been saying I'm ready to walk away. It's like the caged animal that suddenly finds the door open and can't leave.

Part of my struggle is the number of big life decisions and changes ahead of me this year. Moving to a new city. Buying our first home. Potentially trying for another baby. A lot of what ifs that make me crave security and predictability.

For better or worse, work has become a predictable safety net where I know my job, I know my industry, I'm respected for my contributions, I make good money. I feel independent and successful. I have a lot of opportunities ahead of me. And now there are what I'm sure are lies that I've been telling myself - that if I leave the workforce for a while my career is done for. That I won't ever find this "good" a job again. That in a few years something will go horribly wrong and I'll wish I had kept the "sure thing." That it's good money and I'm stupid to walk away from a high paying job. (My husband is employed at a good job with great benefits and he has no interest in FIREing soon so it's not like the family is depending on me.)

However, I also poorly managed my work-life balance for years. I burned out hard in 2014 and clawed my way back to a stable level of health, though truthfully it's still tenuous. For the sake of my long-term health, I feel I'm in need of a good long break. Plus, balancing motherhood and being a wife and managing a house and a demanding full time job - it feels a bit much sometimes. And frankly, I've lost touch a bit with who I am without my job, so I don't even know where to begin in figuring out what to do next.

And I feel guilty for wanting to leave. It's a good corporate job that pays well. I have amazing benefits. My team is awesome. My boss is awesome. I'm good at my job. People trust me and rely on me. I should be happy. People would love to have my job. But I'm just tired and burnt out and not fulfilled anymore.

I think what I really want to do is quit my job. Finish our move. Enjoy some time with my son. Get rested and healthy, on a soul level. Settle into a house. Do some freelancing work that pays dirt but is so much fun (I already do a bit on the side for a small business I love). Try for another kiddo. Enjoy time with family and friends - quality, unrushed, loving time. Frugalize our lives even more with projects like a vegetable garden.

But I still just can't let it go. I can't figure out when to pull the trigger. It never feels like the right time. And I'm scared.

This is a lot of rambling. I'm seeing a therapist to talk through some of this. But honestly the Mustachian crowd is a unique bunch and I feel like you guys get it in a way that most people don't. So if anyone has words of wisdom, or a book that helped you with all this, I'd really value your thoughts. I'm grateful to be able to learn from you all!

lhamo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2018, 06:55:46 PM »
Is the move a confirmed thing, with a destination and date already planned?

If so, then what would probably make the most sense is to time your resignation for a few weeks/months before the move, and give yourself permission to not look for something new until you are established in your new location.  If it turns out the COL is much lower there and you are able to live well within your means on your partner's salary, then by all means enjoy being a SAHP for awhile.

Moves are stressful and you will save yourself a lot of headaches (and probably a lot of money) by being the move manager and handling all the logistics of settling in once you get to your new location.

Tuskalusa

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2018, 07:12:53 PM »
Wow. I totally get what youíre saying. Itís really hard to let go!  Iíve been trying to for a year now, and it has been a process. I left a corporate gig where I was well respected, but seriously burnt out. Then I went to work part time and burned out again!  Doh!

Iíve found that making this kind of big change is a process. After a year, I think I can honestly say that Iím ready to step back and do a lot of the things that you mention in your post. But it has taken a long time to get to that point.  Here are some things Iíve learned over the past year:

 - If you like your job, itís still ok to take a break. Sounds like your employer likes your work. I bet you could go back in a couple years if you wanted to.

 - There are other options for making an income. Taking some time to re-evaluate could create new ideas and opportunities.

 - We probably wonít wind up living in a van down by the river. This has been my greatest fear. And I have to remind myself that my skills and tenacity will help if we hit an adverse situation. I bet this is true for you too.

If you want to take a break, you will find your way. Good luck!

kudy

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2018, 07:24:44 PM »
If you've never read it, this epic post by dr doom might be relevant to your current situation:
https://livingafi.com/2015/01/20/midlife-fi-sis/

I say feel the fear and do it anyway, that life you've dreamed about is out there waiting for you, and you've probably already saved more than you need. Good luck.

Tuskalusa

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2018, 10:35:33 PM »
Well said Kudy!

Linda_Norway

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2018, 01:50:25 AM »
As you identify so much with your job, I think you should try to go work part time for some months, maybe 2 days a week only. This way you will have a lot of time off to find yourself, and maybe pursue you freelance sidegig a bit more. This way you can find out if this is what you want to do and gradually start distancing yourself from your job. Also realize that you don't own them anything.

Being a SAHM might be alright for some women, who have many contacts. But make sure you don't get isolated. I have a friend who has been at home with her child for quite a long time now, because she cannot get childcare at the moment. She is bouncing up the walls and can't wait to get back to work to get adult social interaction.
« Last Edit: February 26, 2018, 02:46:18 AM by Linda_Norway »

Linda_Norway

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2018, 02:28:16 AM »
If you've never read it, this epic post by dr doom might be relevant to your current situation:
https://livingafi.com/2015/01/20/midlife-fi-sis/

I say feel the fear and do it anyway, that life you've dreamed about is out there waiting for you, and you've probably already saved more than you need. Good luck.

Wow, what a story!

I sometimes feel a little bit awkward. We are not FI yet and really need this year and a half for saving our asses off to become FI in our country. The only motivating thing is to save everywhere I can to reach our goal. But going work has starting to feel less and less meaningful. I try to compensate by at least walking to work regularly, so that I get some exercise and outdoor-time.

HovEratoTo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2018, 06:57:26 PM »
Is the move a confirmed thing, with a destination and date already planned?

If so, then what would probably make the most sense is to time your resignation for a few weeks/months before the move, and give yourself permission to not look for something new until you are established in your new location.  If it turns out the COL is much lower there and you are able to live well within your means on your partner's salary, then by all means enjoy being a SAHP for awhile.

Moves are stressful and you will save yourself a lot of headaches (and probably a lot of money) by being the move manager and handling all the logistics of settling in once you get to your new location.

Yep! Targeting April/May and location is decided. The house is not a for-sure thing but we're actively looking. Since we're moving to a LCOL area, we're confident buying a home is the right choice for us at this point in our lives. But if it doesn't happen right away, that's ok too, we'll rent for a while.

Thank you for the tips. I've actually broached the topic with my manager already, and she's on board with me going remote full-time. So I have that option - which is making the decision harder :-/.

HovEratoTo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #8 on: February 06, 2018, 06:59:14 PM »
Wow. I totally get what youíre saying. Itís really hard to let go!  Iíve been trying to for a year now, and it has been a process. I left a corporate gig where I was well respected, but seriously burnt out. Then I went to work part time and burned out again!  Doh!

Iíve found that making this kind of big change is a process. After a year, I think I can honestly say that Iím ready to step back and do a lot of the things that you mention in your post. But it has taken a long time to get to that point.  Here are some things Iíve learned over the past year:

 - If you like your job, itís still ok to take a break. Sounds like your employer likes your work. I bet you could go back in a couple years if you wanted to.

 - There are other options for making an income. Taking some time to re-evaluate could create new ideas and opportunities.

 - We probably wonít wind up living in a van down by the river. This has been my greatest fear. And I have to remind myself that my skills and tenacity will help if we hit an adverse situation. I bet this is true for you too.

If you want to take a break, you will find your way. Good luck!

It's so nice to know we're not alone sometimes, y'know?

Thank you for the encouragement and words of wisdom. You're right, my greatest fears are most likely wildly improbable, it's just a matter of feeling confident and taking it one step at a time. I'm probably overwhleming myself with too much possibility and change!

HovEratoTo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2018, 07:01:53 PM »
If you've never read it, this epic post by dr doom might be relevant to your current situation:
https://livingafi.com/2015/01/20/midlife-fi-sis/

I say feel the fear and do it anyway, that life you've dreamed about is out there waiting for you, and you've probably already saved more than you need. Good luck.

Wow, this resonates so much. Thank you for sharing!

Something that especially struck me was the part about permission. I think I've been waiting for someone to tell me that it's ok, that I'm not a failure for quitting or retiring early, that I'm still a worthy human being, that I don't owe anyone anything. Why do I feel like I owe my employer anything? And why do I need other people to give me permission to go, and do my own thing? Why do I feel like I have to work myself to death to be a worthy human being??

HovEratoTo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #10 on: February 06, 2018, 07:11:33 PM »
As you identify so much with your job, I think you should try to go work part time for some months, maybe 2 days a week only. This way you will have a lot of time off to find yourself, and maybe pursue you freelance sidegig a bit more. This way you can find out if this is what you want to do and gradually start distancing yourself from your job. Also realize that you don't own them anything.

Being a SAHM might be alright for some women, who have many contacts. But make sure you don't get isolated. I have a friend who has been at home with her child for quite a long time now, because the cannot get childcare at the moment. She is bouncing up the walls and can't wait to get back to work to get adult social interaction.

Thank you for the advice - my therapist actually recommended the same transition to part-time work. I'm fairly confident that being a full-time SAHM isn't the best fit for me long-term, but short-term it sounds nice to have that quality time with my son. I think you're right it would help to gradually start distancing myself. My manager is supportive of me going full-time remote as well so they're already willing to work on a flexible situation with me - who knows, maybe they'd be on board with a reduced work week. It'd almost be easier if they said remote work wasn't an option and then I could just take the opportunity to leave.

Good luck in your own journey! It is interesting how you stop finding meaning in work once you realize you're close to FI, so then you have to work to find meaning in other places and still tolerate work while you need to. The psychology of the whole thing is just fascinating (and overwhelming!).

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #11 on: February 06, 2018, 07:31:11 PM »
I was going to mention a therapist, but you're already there - good for you.  My two cents:

Money comes and goes.  Jobs come and go.  Competent people with solid skills can usually find good jobs. 

But health is finite.  You only get one body.  Time with kids at young ages will go away.  That's a one-time opportunity.  Ditto time with your husband in those quality years.

Count the costs of your decision on both sides.  You'll miss the job, but you're also missing things now that are also extremely valuable.

Things became clearer for me after losing some of those closest to me: I value the time I have with them - and *much* more than before.  (Like you, I was a workaholic for years and *still* struggle with it.) 

I would ask what's driving you so much towards work: what expectations are you trying to fulfill?  What do you think you will get out of it? 

See the Tim Ferriss TED talk re: "fearspotting" and run through that.  Like others have mentioned, you probably have a whole host of alternative options if you think them through and begin exploring them: contracting, part-time work, slightly different (and more flexible) work, returning to work later, and so on. 

Now, having had many jobs, I don't see many people - ever - who regret not spending more time at the office, or with work friends.  Those relationships tend to slowly dissipate over the years, even when well-maintained.  However, I know many people who regret not spending time with a parent, a spouse, or their young children while they could. 

We humans have a lot of biases.  We value lots of concrete things, like cash.  But it's much harder for us all to see opportunity costs - the price of not taking a better path. 

A wise man with a big white beard put it to me this way: "I don't regret the things I have done.  I regret the things I didn't do."  The older I get, the more I believe that.

wordnerd

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #12 on: February 07, 2018, 06:18:37 AM »
I was going to mention a therapist, but you're already there - good for you.  My two cents:

Money comes and goes.  Jobs come and go.  Competent people with solid skills can usually find good jobs. 

But health is finite.  You only get one body.  Time with kids at young ages will go away.  That's a one-time opportunity.  Ditto time with your husband in those quality years.

Count the costs of your decision on both sides.  You'll miss the job, but you're also missing things now that are also extremely valuable.


This is really helpful to me. Thank you.

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #13 on: February 07, 2018, 05:56:43 PM »
I was going to mention a therapist, but you're already there - good for you.  My two cents:

Money comes and goes.  Jobs come and go.  Competent people with solid skills can usually find good jobs. 

But health is finite.  You only get one body.  Time with kids at young ages will go away.  That's a one-time opportunity.  Ditto time with your husband in those quality years.

Count the costs of your decision on both sides.  You'll miss the job, but you're also missing things now that are also extremely valuable.


This is really helpful to me. Thank you.

You're welcome.  Best wishes to you.

HovEratoTo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2018, 06:14:27 AM »
I was going to mention a therapist, but you're already there - good for you.  My two cents:

Money comes and goes.  Jobs come and go.  Competent people with solid skills can usually find good jobs. 

But health is finite.  You only get one body.  Time with kids at young ages will go away.  That's a one-time opportunity.  Ditto time with your husband in those quality years.

Count the costs of your decision on both sides.  You'll miss the job, but you're also missing things now that are also extremely valuable.

Things became clearer for me after losing some of those closest to me: I value the time I have with them - and *much* more than before.  (Like you, I was a workaholic for years and *still* struggle with it.) 

I would ask what's driving you so much towards work: what expectations are you trying to fulfill?  What do you think you will get out of it? 

See the Tim Ferriss TED talk re: "fearspotting" and run through that.  Like others have mentioned, you probably have a whole host of alternative options if you think them through and begin exploring them: contracting, part-time work, slightly different (and more flexible) work, returning to work later, and so on. 

Now, having had many jobs, I don't see many people - ever - who regret not spending more time at the office, or with work friends.  Those relationships tend to slowly dissipate over the years, even when well-maintained.  However, I know many people who regret not spending time with a parent, a spouse, or their young children while they could. 

We humans have a lot of biases.  We value lots of concrete things, like cash.  But it's much harder for us all to see opportunity costs - the price of not taking a better path. 

A wise man with a big white beard put it to me this way: "I don't regret the things I have done.  I regret the things I didn't do."  The older I get, the more I believe that.

This is powerful. Thank you for giving me the perspective - and permission - I've been looking for!

Bicycle_B

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #15 on: February 08, 2018, 01:23:08 PM »
In support of the part time route, I have read that women who retain even a tenuous connection with their career during the child rearing years heavily outperform those who do not.  You don't need career performance, but since you don't claim to want full time permanent SAHM, part time would allow you to decompress while retaining the connection to work that you will probably want once you refresh.

That said, you don't need the job, and they're going to ask you for as much as they think they can.  Practice saying no.  If the choice is quit vs do too much, quit.  Once you let them know the options are part time vs quit, they'll work with you and make something part time.  They'll keep asking for more every so often.  Hopefully you'll keep saying no, guarding your health and joy.  Kids deserve happy moms, moms deserve happy lives, and you have $ backing you up.

Two of the best execs at my prior job were 30ish new moms.  Both exercised some flexibility, one by taking 6 to 9 months maternity leave, the other by permanently dialing down to a 30 hour schedule.  Each retained the respect of peers and bosses, continuing to do responsible work and perform well.  Do this your way!
« Last Edit: February 08, 2018, 01:24:43 PM by Bicycle_B »

okits

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #16 on: February 08, 2018, 09:44:00 PM »
In short, how do you let go of your job and all the security and sense of identity it gives you? How do you make the leap to FIRE and trust it'll be ok?

I've made a leap like the one you're talking about, and I haven't managed to achieve any lasting semblance of the psychological peace you describe above.  Make the leap anyway, if your reasons are important enough.  (To be fair, I didn't leap so much as get pushed off a cliff by a medical crisis.  I guess I could have dug my heels in and tried to hang onto my old life, but being scared and lying in a hospital bed my job didn't seem very important anymore.)

I'm trying to re-enter the workforce after a few years away to have children and it's difficult and humbling.  I tell myself if I'm really that successful, well-respected, awesome professional that I used to be, I can achieve all that again in a new setting, starting from scratch.  True badassity is being able to replicate success, not clinging fearfully to an insulated, comfortable situation that doesn't really serve me anymore.  Fear that I can never attain that kind of success and respect again has been a hidden driver for a lot of my anxiety.  It is a tiny bit lessened when I ask myself, do I have faith in my abilities or not?

For your comfort, hopefully you can scale your position down to part-time, remote.  It will help make the transition more gradual.  (We can start a group journal for downshifted moms and our psychological discomfort.  :)

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #17 on: February 08, 2018, 11:49:21 PM »
I was going to mention a therapist, but you're already there - good for you.  My two cents:

Money comes and goes.  Jobs come and go.  Competent people with solid skills can usually find good jobs. 

But health is finite.  You only get one body.  Time with kids at young ages will go away.  That's a one-time opportunity.  Ditto time with your husband in those quality years.

Count the costs of your decision on both sides.  You'll miss the job, but you're also missing things now that are also extremely valuable.

Things became clearer for me after losing some of those closest to me: I value the time I have with them - and *much* more than before.  (Like you, I was a workaholic for years and *still* struggle with it.) 

I would ask what's driving you so much towards work: what expectations are you trying to fulfill?  What do you think you will get out of it? 

See the Tim Ferriss TED talk re: "fearspotting" and run through that.  Like others have mentioned, you probably have a whole host of alternative options if you think them through and begin exploring them: contracting, part-time work, slightly different (and more flexible) work, returning to work later, and so on. 

Now, having had many jobs, I don't see many people - ever - who regret not spending more time at the office, or with work friends.  Those relationships tend to slowly dissipate over the years, even when well-maintained.  However, I know many people who regret not spending time with a parent, a spouse, or their young children while they could. 

We humans have a lot of biases.  We value lots of concrete things, like cash.  But it's much harder for us all to see opportunity costs - the price of not taking a better path. 

A wise man with a big white beard put it to me this way: "I don't regret the things I have done.  I regret the things I didn't do."  The older I get, the more I believe that.

This is powerful. Thank you for giving me the perspective - and permission - I've been looking for!

You're welcome.  Glad I could be of help. I said some prayers for you today.

moneytaichi

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #18 on: February 09, 2018, 07:10:58 PM »
HovEratoTo, no need to shame yourself on wanting to have your balance back with a good job/boss/team. I can see there are some unfulfilled needs. Like others said, taking a part-time or a sabbatical would ease the transitions. Please update us once you have decided your path. Good luck!

okits

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #19 on: February 10, 2018, 10:20:35 PM »
@HovEratoTo , here's a comic that helped me with the psychological fear of leaving my old life behind.  (Originally shared by @arebelspy , I believe.)  I can still live six more lives if this one isn't working for me anymore.  :D

https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/2012-09-02

chasesfish

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2018, 07:13:13 AM »
I'm going through very similar feelings and rambled on about it for a while on here and eventually wrote down all my thoughts in fairly long post here:

http://stopironingshirts.com/2018/01/10/early-retirement-decisions-one-more-year/

Its really a personal decision that could be for any number of reasons.  Best of luck in deciding what is right for you

Misstachian

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #21 on: February 12, 2018, 10:19:45 AM »
In short, how do you let go of your job and all the security and sense of identity it gives you? How do you make the leap to FIRE and trust it'll be ok?
...snip...

For your comfort, hopefully you can scale your position down to part-time, remote.  It will help make the transition more gradual.  (We can start a group journal for downshifted moms and our psychological discomfort.  :)

I like that group journal idea! I recently downshifted to part time remote work, and it has challenges, but overall it's been pretty wonderful.

Brother Esau

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #22 on: February 12, 2018, 10:46:46 AM »

 But I'm just tired and burnt out and not fulfilled anymore.

 Get rested and healthy, on a soul level.

This is exactly why my DW left her job. It's a very difficult decision and I was super proud of her. Good luck to you!

Trudie

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #23 on: February 14, 2018, 01:15:09 PM »
If you've never read it, this epic post by dr doom might be relevant to your current situation:
https://livingafi.com/2015/01/20/midlife-fi-sis/

I say feel the fear and do it anyway, that life you've dreamed about is out there waiting for you, and you've probably already saved more than you need. Good luck.

Thanks for this.  I read through it completely; this has been my recent experience.

HovEratoTo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #24 on: February 15, 2018, 07:13:43 PM »

 But I'm just tired and burnt out and not fulfilled anymore.

 Get rested and healthy, on a soul level.

This is exactly why my DW left her job. It's a very difficult decision and I was super proud of her. Good luck to you!

Thank you! How has she handled the transition?

HovEratoTo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #25 on: February 15, 2018, 07:16:10 PM »
In support of the part time route, I have read that women who retain even a tenuous connection with their career during the child rearing years heavily outperform those who do not.  You don't need career performance, but since you don't claim to want full time permanent SAHM, part time would allow you to decompress while retaining the connection to work that you will probably want once you refresh.

That said, you don't need the job, and they're going to ask you for as much as they think they can.  Practice saying no.  If the choice is quit vs do too much, quit.  Once you let them know the options are part time vs quit, they'll work with you and make something part time.  They'll keep asking for more every so often.  Hopefully you'll keep saying no, guarding your health and joy.  Kids deserve happy moms, moms deserve happy lives, and you have $ backing you up.

Two of the best execs at my prior job were 30ish new moms.  Both exercised some flexibility, one by taking 6 to 9 months maternity leave, the other by permanently dialing down to a 30 hour schedule.  Each retained the respect of peers and bosses, continuing to do responsible work and perform well.  Do this your way!

Thank you :) Part of the trouble is that me working means our child has to be in daycare, which is expensive. So any job I take I feel like has to cover the daycare and then some (which is costly in our area). Thankfully with the move we'll be in a LCOL area and some daycare here and there shouldn't be as pricey!

Thank you for the perspective and wisdom. Now I just need the gumption to follow through.

HovEratoTo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #26 on: February 15, 2018, 07:19:36 PM »
In short, how do you let go of your job and all the security and sense of identity it gives you? How do you make the leap to FIRE and trust it'll be ok?

I've made a leap like the one you're talking about, and I haven't managed to achieve any lasting semblance of the psychological peace you describe above.  Make the leap anyway, if your reasons are important enough.  (To be fair, I didn't leap so much as get pushed off a cliff by a medical crisis.  I guess I could have dug my heels in and tried to hang onto my old life, but being scared and lying in a hospital bed my job didn't seem very important anymore.)

I'm trying to re-enter the workforce after a few years away to have children and it's difficult and humbling.  I tell myself if I'm really that successful, well-respected, awesome professional that I used to be, I can achieve all that again in a new setting, starting from scratch.  True badassity is being able to replicate success, not clinging fearfully to an insulated, comfortable situation that doesn't really serve me anymore.  Fear that I can never attain that kind of success and respect again has been a hidden driver for a lot of my anxiety.  It is a tiny bit lessened when I ask myself, do I have faith in my abilities or not?

For your comfort, hopefully you can scale your position down to part-time, remote.  It will help make the transition more gradual.  (We can start a group journal for downshifted moms and our psychological discomfort.  :)

Thank you for weighing in! It sounds like you have a positive attitude despite the challenges. I like your point about true badassity being about bravery, not fear. I aspire to feel so confident! I do think gradual transitions seem to make the most sense, especially as there is a lot of anxiety wrapped up in this for me.

Yes, I'm all for a group journal! I've struggled to find other women/moms who are in a similar life situation and working towards the same goals. It can be lonely sometimes :)

HovEratoTo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #27 on: February 15, 2018, 07:20:38 PM »
HovEratoTo, no need to shame yourself on wanting to have your balance back with a good job/boss/team. I can see there are some unfulfilled needs. Like others said, taking a part-time or a sabbatical would ease the transitions. Please update us once you have decided your path. Good luck!

Thank you! No drastic decisions yet. Staying focused on the move, and transitioning to remote full time. I think I need more of a plan before I leap. Though if something pushed me to leap before I'm "ready", that's ok, too :).

HovEratoTo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #28 on: February 15, 2018, 07:21:16 PM »
@HovEratoTo , here's a comic that helped me with the psychological fear of leaving my old life behind.  (Originally shared by @arebelspy , I believe.)  I can still live six more lives if this one isn't working for me anymore.  :D

https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/2012-09-02

I love this! Clearly it's time for me to switch to my next life ;)

lhamo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #29 on: February 17, 2018, 10:45:54 AM »
Do you think your company would be ok with a 6-12 week leave of absence while you move?   That would be a good amount of time to explore how you do with not working AND that period is going to be incredibly hectic/busy/stressful anyway.  We moved to China when my DS was nine months old, and I kept working through it, but the only reasons I didn't go insane were:

1)  We had my inlaws along to care for him while DH and I got other stuff done (I love my inlaws, it was a great arrangement for all of us), so I didn't have to worry about childcare and household stuff and

2)  All our move-related stuff (including apartment hunting, etc) was considered part of our work duties, because we were moving to a new location to set up a new office on a work assignment.   

If I had had to arrange all the move logistics in addition to working a lot of hours, I think I would have cracked.

Brother Esau

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #30 on: February 17, 2018, 04:11:15 PM »

 But I'm just tired and burnt out and not fulfilled anymore.

 Get rested and healthy, on a soul level.

This is exactly why my DW left her job. It's a very difficult decision and I was super proud of her. Good luck to you!

Thank you! How has she handled the transition?

The first few days were tough but now she is killing it. Eating better, exercising more....all about ME time.

May2030

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #31 on: February 18, 2018, 09:17:44 AM »
If you've never read it, this epic post by dr doom might be relevant to your current situation:
https://livingafi.com/2015/01/20/midlife-fi-sis/

I say feel the fear and do it anyway, that life you've dreamed about is out there waiting for you, and you've probably already saved more than you need. Good luck.

Thanks so much for  posting this. Hammer, nail, head :-)

Gemma

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #32 on: February 19, 2018, 09:45:21 AM »
If you've never read it, this epic post by dr doom might be relevant to your current situation:
https://livingafi.com/2015/01/20/midlife-fi-sis/

I say feel the fear and do it anyway, that life you've dreamed about is out there waiting for you, and you've probably already saved more than you need. Good luck.

Wow, this resonates so much. Thank you for sharing!

Something that especially struck me was the part about permission. I think I've been waiting for someone to tell me that it's ok, that I'm not a failure for quitting or retiring early, that I'm still a worthy human being, that I don't owe anyone anything. Why do I feel like I owe my employer anything? And why do I need other people to give me permission to go, and do my own thing? Why do I feel like I have to work myself to death to be a worthy human being??

I just wanted to chime in and say that I feel exactly the same way. Like I'm waiting for someone to give me permission and tell me I'm doing the right thing for quitting my high paying, good job, where I am respected and work with a great team. But I'm exhausted and burned out. Managing a dual working family with 3 kids is taking its toll. And the only thing that scares me more than quitting is the idea of waking up 20 years from now, kids off on their own, tons of money in the bank, but wondering what the hell happened and where did all the time go.

HovEratoTo

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #33 on: February 25, 2018, 06:11:38 PM »
If you've never read it, this epic post by dr doom might be relevant to your current situation:
https://livingafi.com/2015/01/20/midlife-fi-sis/

I say feel the fear and do it anyway, that life you've dreamed about is out there waiting for you, and you've probably already saved more than you need. Good luck.

Wow, this resonates so much. Thank you for sharing!

Something that especially struck me was the part about permission. I think I've been waiting for someone to tell me that it's ok, that I'm not a failure for quitting or retiring early, that I'm still a worthy human being, that I don't owe anyone anything. Why do I feel like I owe my employer anything? And why do I need other people to give me permission to go, and do my own thing? Why do I feel like I have to work myself to death to be a worthy human being??

I just wanted to chime in and say that I feel exactly the same way. Like I'm waiting for someone to give me permission and tell me I'm doing the right thing for quitting my high paying, good job, where I am respected and work with a great team. But I'm exhausted and burned out. Managing a dual working family with 3 kids is taking its toll. And the only thing that scares me more than quitting is the idea of waking up 20 years from now, kids off on their own, tons of money in the bank, but wondering what the hell happened and where did all the time go.

I don't have any answers, but I just wanted to say I understand. Though, I wonder if that waking-up-in-20-years thing might happen anyway, since kids have a way of really warping time. Every day is long and arduous, and then every year is lightspeed. It's like you just can't quite wrap your hands around it. Part of my desire to just get away is to slow down and feel like time is more under my control!

FIRE_Wannabe

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Re: Letting go of the job? Need Mustachian wisdom.
« Reply #34 on: February 25, 2018, 08:39:54 PM »
I am in a similar situation.  I have 1 baby, and plan to have another soon.  The culture has changed at my fortune 10 company over the past few years and I hate my job.  I think if I took off a few years I might pursue a micro masters of some kind.  That would help fill the gap and show that my skills are not outdated.  Even with that I expect I would probably have to take a paycut.