I don't know what to do

[cash2001]

Hello all- after 12+ solid years of fantastic financial habits and a lifetime of healthy habits, I was diagnosed with an early stage breast cancer in my late 30s about 10 months ago. I am successfully through treatment and have a great prognosis but I spent those 10 months heavily evaluating my life. The truth is that my relationship has been a mess for a long time and after doing what I would consider not the best job of being my caregiver (we were separated right before the diagnosis), my partner is now begging me to stay with him. The number one issue is I have been unhappy with where we live (an isolated and rural island with very limited career opportunities for me) - this is where my partner is from and his aging parents and both of our businesses and both of our properties are here. I was very successful in Real Estate for a few years but we all know that industry is changing and there is not much of anything in my previous industries (publishing and marketing) in this small and isolated town. My aging (but 10 years younger than my partners parents) parents and previous life are in a bustling East Coast city that I would love to return to if not for the winters.

What brings me pause is that my partner will inherit quite a few fully paid off properties one day that would allow us to live pretty much however we want AND more importantly I am still in love with this person. I do not want to live to work and being in an office or having a 9-5 is my idea of hell. But he will not leave where we live right now and each and every time I return to a non-isolated place or real city I am IMMEDIATELY so much happier and releived and feel alive again. I do not know if I can do another 5ish years in this monotonous place with nothing to do and little opportunity especially after the year of health suffering I just endured.

We do not have children and due to my decisions, planning and down payment funds we own two properties and I have about 300k in retirement. He wants kids, I'm willing to adopt one if we relocate but his argument are his parents are too old to relocate and all they have ever wanted was a grandchild. I literally do not know what my next move should be and it's been eating me up as I completed my treatment. Thank you for any advice, insights and experiences you are willing to share.

[Villanelle]

What does "too old to relocate" mean?  For me and my relationship and my values and the culture of my family (which is to say that there's no value judgment here and every relationship is different), if I was grossly unhappy, coming off a cancer diagnosis and treatment, and loathing where I lived, if my partner choose caring for his parents over caring for me, that would be incredibly painful and incredibly telling. 

And if all his parents have ever wanted is a grandchild, then it seems they want that more than they want to not move.  So, propose that everyone gets what they seem to want--he gets to continue hands-on care with his family, his parents get a grandchild, and you get to move.  It seems like right now, he wants everything.  What's he sacrificing in this relationship?  or are you doing all the sacrificing while he gets to coast on a life that works for him and not for you? If that's the case, are you willing to call him on that?  What is he willing to flex on?  What can he change to meet you partway?  What are you willing to flex on to meet him part-way? (It sounds like that might be having a child, and if you are genuinely okay with that, great, as long as it's a thoughtful choice on your part.)   

[Paper Chaser]

First of all, happy for your healthy prognosis! I think it's natural to reflect after going through something so significant.

I don't think the language you use sounds like you really love this guy. He's a small town guy and you're a city girl. He wants kids, and you sound like you might tolerate an adoption (in some part because his parents want grandkids).

Staying with a person because they might inherit wealth is a garbage reason to stay, and you'll likely resent each other and be miserable.
Making a life long commitment to an innocent child because another couple want to be grandparents is a garbage reason to have/adopt a kid.

What did you love about who this man was earlier in your relationship? Has any of that changed? Did he change? Did you? Are you just incompatible? You already were separated, and you see his involvement in your caretaking in a negative light. Why get back together?

[FLBiker]

From the perspective of this internet stranger, it sounds like there are red flags:

my relationship has been a mess for a long time
not the best job of being my caregiver
I have been unhappy with where we live...But he will not leave where we live
He wants kids, I'm willing to adopt one

It doesn't sound like your relationship was working well before your diagnosis, and it doesn't sound like you want the same things in life.  It's one thing to compromise, but some people are just incompatible.

Also, in my experience, once I start thinking that a relationship should end (e.g. by being separated) I'm always right.  That doesn't mean I've always ended it right away (I haven't) or resisted the temptation to get back together (I haven't) but I always SHOULD have ended it right away, because once I start to have those doubts, it's over.