We also agreed that we both view the budget very very differently. I'm logical and love the control a budget gives us. She hears the word budget and breaks out in a cold sweat.
We also agreed that we need to find a way to approach shopping that makes both of us happy. If she joins me we end up buying a bunch of extra stuff ( I do all the shopping). If we go clothes shopping and I mention that she doesn't really need another what ever she gets upset and says I remind her of her dad, even though she told me she doesn't really any more of this item.
I think the bottom line is that she'll never be able associate the words budget frugality with any positive connotations. If I say, I want to be careful so we can go on a cruise this fall, she hears we're broke and can't spend a penny!
I think I'm going to need to figure out a better approach to talking about this
Not married, so the situation is a little different, since we have no (legal) reason to be "one entity" financially. But we are aiming that way so we are very open about finances and we've been living together 18 months so we have bought stuff and definitely made lots of spending decisions together. I am the lower earner currently since I am in grad school, but that won't always be the case (I hope!). Our deal is we split all our joint expenses, which started with the obvious rent, utilities, groceries but quickly grew to include meals out/dates and stuff for the apartment. Individual expenses are stuff like cell phones, clothes, gifts, meals out alone (e.g. at work), haircuts, doctor/dentist/meds, other "stuff", etc. Finally, we have the same fundamental financial values: saving is good, debt is to be avoided, but we do want to live a little. We also try to avoid waste/turnover by getting things for the long haul. We aren't really minimalist and get somewhat attached to our stuff, but if we find we are genuinely not using something we are open to selling/donating.
In light of that arrangement, we used to have some discussions like this:
Him (usually): Look at this cool thing!
Me (usually): We don't need that.
Eventually he pointed out that sometimes, he just wants to share the coolness of the thing. Not always to get it. And I was pooping on his party. So now it's more like:
Him: Look at this cool thing!
Me: Cool! I like the A, B, C. It's a cool design. Did you want to get it?
Him: Yes, I think we could use it. (Or: "No, just thought it was cool." but then it ends there).
Me: But where would we put it? Does it go with our style? Doesn't X or Y thing we have already do what this does pretty well? Why do you want it?
At which point, he either convinces me to the point where I recognize the benefit, or I say "I don't know, I'm not really excited about it." And he either yields or makes it an individual purchase. Everyone is happy. POINT IS: Make sure you aren't being constantly negative. POINT IS: Adults shouldn't control each other. There should be some outlet for both partners to buy things they want the other doesn't approve of. That also means you don't get to whine or roll eyes when she(he) brings it home. You get to say "That's very nice, honey!"
On the flip side, I can be much more impulsive with clothing purchasing. In December I went to Ross to shop for Christmas gifts and came back with 3 pairs of jeans and maybe a top. Oops. I think it's because I figured out at some point that if I check for pants that fit/things I like when I'm NOT desperate and am in the mood to shop, I am much more likely to find things I like and less likely to be swayed and buy things that are "ok" and not a great bargain either. It's worth noting I don't have a large wardrobe (though not bare-minimums) and I would throw out half of what I had if I didn't need lab clothes I can get dirty/ripped/stained without regrets. So not a 20-identical-jackets situation. In contrast, my bf kept moaning and groaning whenever we needed/wanted to dress nice until I made him come to the mall with me when I was shopping for a gift for grandma. He got 5 or 6 button-downs and a vest in his size and is now dapper for all occasions. :) POINT IS: Be aware you might have different spending priorities.
When we had just moved half across the country while also moving in together, we ran up some debt ($3-5k) on a 0% card (that was primarily mine) for Reasons. The deal was that we would pay it off ASAP, definitely before interest kicked in. A few months later he got resistant to my pressure to make the maximum payments I could make on it, reasoning it out as making 1% on the money if it sat in savings instead being a better deal (it's a few dollars but why not take a few free dollars?). I insisted that I was emotionally uncomfortable with having that debt and with changing the deal we had made. He accepted that and matched me the remaining months until we were done. [The whole situation was one of my less-comfortable financial moments...but ultimately redoubled my interest in saving and showed me how hard even a relatively small debt balance could be to pay off, so good learning experience with fortunately zero cost!] POINT IS: I don't know...maybe that you need to be supportive of each other's needs even when it doesn't make 100% sense (as long as it's not massively damaging or something).
So here's what you do...
Make her a nice dinner. Clean up. Wrap it up with a bowl of ice cream. Snuggle together on the couch (include a cat if there is one). Put on the candles.
Turn to her, hold both her hands (something I learned on this forum! works wonders!), and say "Honey, I want to talk to you about something that's really important to me. Can we do that? I think we're having a lot of trouble with how we talk about money, and I don't want that between us, because you're the light of my life and I love you and [blah blah blah]. So can you tell me why it upset you when X happened because I'm really confused and I don't want to hurt you again and I want to know how I can communicate to you better about this." Try to avoid getting sidetracked into talking about the budget, etc. You're talking about how you talk. Avoid becoming defensive; you *asked* for feedback on your communication, after all. You might have a fight. You might sort things out. They are not mutually exclusive.
Once you figure out what sets her off, sit down in a similarly calm, good-vibes atmosphere and talk about money, and your PLAN (not budget ;) ), and being SENSIBLE (not frugal ;) ). Obviously, there's a finite amount of money coming in each month. You have certain fixed expenses (rent, food, utilities, transportation, etc) and you don't want to be a retirement horror story so you have to set some aside for that. That leaves you with $X,XXX to spend on your various priorities: cruise, shopping, early retirement, etc. That's what you really have to hash out...not necessarily how to save THE MOST money, but what is most *important* to you... and of course, her wants don't trump yours, but neither do yours trump hers. Listen.