How many of you have relationship issues?

[G-String]

She made plans for late March with her kids.

She invited you along.

She did not need to consult you on that.

I do think you should break up with her.

So considering her and I had plans to celebrate our anniversary together, and then she goes and makes alternate plans without consulting me, you feel her behavior was appropriate for a relationship of one year?  In your view couples in a committed long term relationship should not communicate with each other about these things prior?  She admitted she was thinking about this for 2 months and did not mention a peep to me until yesterday...in your view she is not being secretive and a poor communicator, but instead I am being too controlling? I just wanted to clarify your take on this.

You keep saying your anniversary is in early April. Easter is Sunday, March 31.

Anniversary is April 1 and she will be away for the long weekend returning 2-3 days after our anniversary. 

[Raenia]

She made plans for late March with her kids.

She invited you along.

She did not need to consult you on that.

I do think you should break up with her.

So considering her and I had plans to celebrate our anniversary together, and then she goes and makes alternate plans without consulting me, you feel her behavior was appropriate for a relationship of one year?  In your view couples in a committed long term relationship should not communicate with each other about these things prior?  She admitted she was thinking about this for 2 months and did not mention a peep to me until yesterday...in your view she is not being secretive and a poor communicator, but instead I am being too controlling? I just wanted to clarify your take on this.

It DOESN'T MATTER if her behavior is appropriate, or secretive, or she is a poor communicator. SHE IS WHO SHE IS. It only matters if YOU can accept what she has shown you about who she is and how she WILL CONTINUE to behave.

Clearly, you cannot. Instead you are fixating on the inappropriateness of her behavior, how you are the good guy (inferring that she is the bad guy...) Just stop. Break up already. You'll be happier, and she will continue to be who she is without constantly upsetting you.

[Kris]

She made plans for late March with her kids.

She invited you along.

She did not need to consult you on that.

I do think you should break up with her.

So considering her and I had plans to celebrate our anniversary together, and then she goes and makes alternate plans without consulting me, you feel her behavior was appropriate for a relationship of one year?  In your view couples in a committed long term relationship should not communicate with each other about these things prior?  She admitted she was thinking about this for 2 months and did not mention a peep to me until yesterday...in your view she is not being secretive and a poor communicator, but instead I am being too controlling? I just wanted to clarify your take on this.

It DOESN'T MATTER if her behavior is appropriate, or secretive, or she is a poor communicator. SHE IS WHO SHE IS. It only matters if YOU can accept what she has shown you about who she is and how she WILL CONTINUE to behave.

Clearly, you cannot. Instead you are fixating on the inappropriateness of her behavior, how you are the good guy (inferring that she is the bad guy...) Just stop. Break up already. You'll be happier, and she will continue to be who she is without constantly upsetting you.

Agree.

[Metalcat]

Kids are away with their Dad on our anniversary so we already had the evening to ourselves for our anniversary.  And  this past week I asked her if I could make reservations for the restaurant she suggested, and she told me to hold off.  It is now apparent why she did that, because she had other plans with her kids, but decided not to tell me about them.  You are trying to make me out to be the bad guy here, but is it not concerning how secretive she has been here, and is her inability to communicate/consult with me not unhealthy for relationship of one year?

Yes, 1 year is more than long enough for you to figure out if her communication style works for you.

It doesn't.

Nobody here thinks your girlfriend is perfect and that you're always unreasonable in terms of what you want with respect to communication.

We ALL think you're unreasonable for trying to pressure her to be something she's not. She's not the kind of person who communicates the way you want, she is obviously not comfortable being that kind of person, for a complex pile of reasons that we don't know.

She wants to be with you badly, don't you think that if she was capable of being what you want that she would be that by now???

We think you're the bad guy because this woman obviously is petrified of losing you, and you don't see her as good enough, and that will utterly crush her over time.

Staying with someone who desperately wants you to love them when it's clear that they can't be the kind of person you will truly love and accept is FUCKING CRUEL.

That is why everyone here makes you out to be the bad guy.

Your expectations are perfectly fine if that's what you need to be happy. But for fucks sake, go find a woman who can actually meet them.

Or get some therapy to figure out if some of your expectations are perhaps unreasonable and why. That's up to you if you end up struggling to accept any woman.

But fuck man...you are damaging this woman, I guarantee it.

And if you're cool with doing that to her, you are a cold, cruel person.

[Kris]

She made plans for late March with her kids.

She invited you along.

She did not need to consult you on that.

I do think you should break up with her.

So considering her and I had plans to celebrate our anniversary together, and then she goes and makes alternate plans without consulting me, you feel her behavior was appropriate for a relationship of one year?  In your view couples in a committed long term relationship should not communicate with each other about these things prior?  She admitted she was thinking about this for 2 months and did not mention a peep to me until yesterday...in your view she is not being secretive and a poor communicator, but instead I am being too controlling? I just wanted to clarify your take on this.

You keep saying your anniversary is in early April. Easter is Sunday, March 31.

Anniversary is April 1 and she will be away for the long weekend returning 2-3 days after our anniversary.

You know why she did not communicate with you before making the reservation?

She was afraid of your reaction.

The reaction that you are, in fact, having.

You don’t like what she did. She did it, though.

You are seriously considering breaking up with her for it. I am saying that you should.

[eyesonthehorizon]

We have been together one year, not "a few months ago".  In your view, couples in a committed relationship shouldn't discuss these types of things prior?

A relationship can be profound in just a few months, so it’s not dismissive to be accurate (is it just me or are mustachians more than usually prone to measuring relationships in decades?) But you don’t actually seem to be connected to her so much as the idea of being partnered (for instance, expecting top billing for the mostly arbitrary significance of a particular anniversary day... which happens to be right next to a major holiday, especially for families with children.)

You cite there’s precedent for this behavior (“keeping things to herself and telling me after the fact”) & she’s repeatedly sent clear, & frankly appropriate, signals that she has a life going on - in which you are invited to come along, or not. To me that’s a perfectly acceptable level of engagement for one year in, even for a single person without children - personally I would need to know someone well & for them to know me well, & show enthusiastic acceptance of who I am, before I want to start orienting my family life or holiday plans around them. I’m not hearing you enthusiastically accepting her so much as casting her in a role you predefined & giving director’s notes on how you think she’s not living up to the casting.

YOU are the one for whom a relationship seems to define some kind of clear “life before” & “life after” - but that puts a whole lot of significance on a romantic tie which we often don’t in other close relationships, which isn’t how everyone else necessarily works, or needs to. If that’s distressing to you - if you feel like her life approach, which sounds like it has been consistent from when you started dating when you were theoretically attracted to it, should be transformed by your presence in it - I suggest digging honestly into why, because again, you seem far more attached to your idea of how “a relationship should look” than to the living, breathing person with whom you are theoretically trying to build this relationship.

Also, what Paper Chaser said - if the plans were discussed but no reservations made three weeks out, for a holiday weekend, for a first anniversary you supposedly valued enough to discuss months ahead, you’re actually sending some mixed signals about YOUR commitment. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is recognizing how conflicted & uncommitted you actually are to her, whatever you’re telling yourself otherwise about how committed you are to your imagined ideal of who she might be if she weren’t herself - but she’s still invited you to join if you want to go with her (the real her, the one who makes backup plans for her family for a children’s holiday, when the boyfriend thinks about making plans out loud, but doesn’t finalize them.) It sounds like she has a clearer picture of you than you do of her & is still giving you time to come around.

Kris is right & said it better & shorter. I don’t think you belong with this person because you’re unwilling to accept her. If you feel like she needs to change to have a good relationship together, that implies you think of her as an obstacle to your goal rather than the goal itself.

[GilesMM]

Anniversary of What?  You are not married.  There is obviously a reason she thinks she needs to plan things without cluing you in and it probably has to do with your own behavior.  I see things getting only worse with her, not better.

[G-String]

She made plans for late March with her kids.

She invited you along.

She did not need to consult you on that.

I do think you should break up with her.

So considering her and I had plans to celebrate our anniversary together, and then she goes and makes alternate plans without consulting me, you feel her behavior was appropriate for a relationship of one year?  In your view couples in a committed long term relationship should not communicate with each other about these things prior?  She admitted she was thinking about this for 2 months and did not mention a peep to me until yesterday...in your view she is not being secretive and a poor communicator, but instead I am being too controlling? I just wanted to clarify your take on this.

You keep saying your anniversary is in early April. Easter is Sunday, March 31.

Anniversary is April 1 and she will be away for the long weekend returning 2-3 days after our anniversary.

You know why she did not communicate with you before making the reservation?

She was afraid of your reaction.

The reaction that you are, in fact, having.

You don’t like what she did. She did it, though.

You are seriously considering breaking up with her for it. I am saying that you should.

Fair enough.  She has an avoidant communication style and she admittedly does whatever possible to avoid confrontation and conflict in her personal relationships.  But by her not telling me ahead of time, it is only causing MORE conflict.  If she had discussed with me prior I would have been fine with her idea, and by her not telling me, it only makes things worse.  But maybe her mind doesn't process things like this...

[G-String]

Anniversary of What?  You are not married.  There is obviously a reason she thinks she needs to plan things without cluing you in and it probably has to do with your own behavior.  I see things getting only worse with her, not better.

Correct, we are not married.  Anniversary of our first date.  She's been making a big deal out of this anniversary for over 6 months.  And then she pulls a stunt like this, which confuses me and frustrates me to no end...

[G-String]

Kids are away with their Dad on our anniversary so we already had the evening to ourselves for our anniversary.  And  this past week I asked her if I could make reservations for the restaurant she suggested, and she told me to hold off.  It is now apparent why she did that, because she had other plans with her kids, but decided not to tell me about them.  You are trying to make me out to be the bad guy here, but is it not concerning how secretive she has been here, and is her inability to communicate/consult with me not unhealthy for relationship of one year?

Yes, 1 year is more than long enough for you to figure out if her communication style works for you.

It doesn't.

Nobody here thinks your girlfriend is perfect and that you're always unreasonable in terms of what you want with respect to communication.

We ALL think you're unreasonable for trying to pressure her to be something she's not. She's not the kind of person who communicates the way you want, she is obviously not comfortable being that kind of person, for a complex pile of reasons that we don't know.

She wants to be with you badly, don't you think that if she was capable of being what you want that she would be that by now???

We think you're the bad guy because this woman obviously is petrified of losing you, and you don't see her as good enough, and that will utterly crush her over time.

Staying with someone who desperately wants you to love them when it's clear that they can't be the kind of person you will truly love and accept is FUCKING CRUEL.

That is why everyone here makes you out to be the bad guy.

Your expectations are perfectly fine if that's what you need to be happy. But for fucks sake, go find a woman who can actually meet them.

Or get some therapy to figure out if some of your expectations are perhaps unreasonable and why. That's up to you if you end up struggling to accept any woman.

But fuck man...you are damaging this woman, I guarantee it.

And if you're cool with doing that to her, you are a cold, cruel person.

This bold part really hit me hard, and I often cannot figure out why she wants to be with me so badly...

[Kris]

She made plans for late March with her kids.

She invited you along.

She did not need to consult you on that.

I do think you should break up with her.

So considering her and I had plans to celebrate our anniversary together, and then she goes and makes alternate plans without consulting me, you feel her behavior was appropriate for a relationship of one year?  In your view couples in a committed long term relationship should not communicate with each other about these things prior?  She admitted she was thinking about this for 2 months and did not mention a peep to me until yesterday...in your view she is not being secretive and a poor communicator, but instead I am being too controlling? I just wanted to clarify your take on this.

You keep saying your anniversary is in early April. Easter is Sunday, March 31.

Anniversary is April 1 and she will be away for the long weekend returning 2-3 days after our anniversary.

You know why she did not communicate with you before making the reservation?

She was afraid of your reaction.

The reaction that you are, in fact, having.

You don’t like what she did. She did it, though.

You are seriously considering breaking up with her for it. I am saying that you should.

Fair enough.  She has an avoidant communication style and she admittedly does whatever possible to avoid confrontation and conflict in her personal relationships.  But by her not telling me ahead of time, it is only causing MORE conflict.  If she had discussed with me prior I would have been fine with her idea, and by her not telling me, it only makes things worse.  But maybe her mind doesn't process things like this...

Yes. So you should break up with her. You are not compatible.

[GuitarStv]

Anniversary of What?  You are not married.  There is obviously a reason she thinks she needs to plan things without cluing you in and it probably has to do with your own behavior.  I see things getting only worse with her, not better.

Correct, we are not married.  Anniversary of our first date.  She's been making a big deal out of this anniversary for over 6 months.  And then she pulls a stunt like this, which confuses me and frustrates me to no end...

That's not a real thing though.  I don't get why you're so upset.

[Raenia]

Fair enough.  She has an avoidant communication style and she admittedly does whatever possible to avoid confrontation and conflict in her personal relationships.  But by her not telling me ahead of time, it is only causing MORE conflict.  If she had discussed with me prior I would have been fine with her idea, and by her not telling me, it only makes things worse.  But maybe her mind doesn't process things like this...

Worth pointing out - her communication style does not inherently cause more conflict. It is currently causing conflict because she is with you. Other potential partners might not have the same reaction that you do - indeed, it is almost certain that she learned this with someone with whom it caused less conflict.

Conflict is always caused by two people. You can't disclaim responsibility for your half.

And before you ask, no, I personally would not be ok being with someone who communicated like this. That's why I'm not with someone who communicates like this.

[G-String]

Anniversary of What?  You are not married.  There is obviously a reason she thinks she needs to plan things without cluing you in and it probably has to do with your own behavior.  I see things getting only worse with her, not better.

Correct, we are not married.  Anniversary of our first date.  She's been making a big deal out of this anniversary for over 6 months.  And then she pulls a stunt like this, which confuses me and frustrates me to no end...

That's not a real thing though.  I don't get why you're so upset.

It is a real thing at least to us...she made a big deal out of it for the last 6 months.  So you don't believe open communication within a long-term committed relationship is healthy? 

[Raenia]

Anniversary of What?  You are not married.  There is obviously a reason she thinks she needs to plan things without cluing you in and it probably has to do with your own behavior.  I see things getting only worse with her, not better.

Correct, we are not married.  Anniversary of our first date.  She's been making a big deal out of this anniversary for over 6 months.  And then she pulls a stunt like this, which confuses me and frustrates me to no end...

That's not a real thing though.  I don't get why you're so upset.

It is a real thing at least to us...she made a big deal out of it for the last 6 months.  So you don't believe open communication within a long-term committed relationship is healthy?

At risk of repeating myself... It DOESN'T MATTER if it's healthy or not! It only matters if YOU are ok with it! Which you clearly ARE NOT!

[Paper Chaser]

It doesn't matter in the larger picture of (un)happiness and (in)compatibility, but something in the timeline seems wonky.
Easter is Sunday 3/31.
Anniversary is Monday 4/1.
Kids will be with their dad on Monday 4/1.
GF won't be back from trip with kids until 4/3-4/4?

How are the kids getting to their dad's on your anniversary if GF won't be back in time to celebrate your anniversary?

[G-String]

It doesn't matter in the larger picture of (un)happiness and (in)compatibility, but something in the timeline seems wonky.
Easter is Sunday 3/31.
Anniversary is Monday 4/1.
Kids will be with their dad on Monday 4/1.
GF won't be back from trip with kids until 4/3-4/4?

How are the kids getting to their dad's on your anniversary if GF won't be back in time to celebrate your anniversary?

Kids would be with their Dad IF we were in town.

[curious_george]

Kids are away with their Dad on our anniversary so we already had the evening to ourselves for our anniversary.  And  this past week I asked her if I could make reservations for the restaurant she suggested, and she told me to hold off.  It is now apparent why she did that, because she had other plans with her kids, but decided not to tell me about them.  You are trying to make me out to be the bad guy here, but is it not concerning how secretive she has been here, and is her inability to communicate/consult with me not unhealthy for relationship of one year?

Yes, 1 year is more than long enough for you to figure out if her communication style works for you.

It doesn't.

Nobody here thinks your girlfriend is perfect and that you're always unreasonable in terms of what you want with respect to communication.

We ALL think you're unreasonable for trying to pressure her to be something she's not. She's not the kind of person who communicates the way you want, she is obviously not comfortable being that kind of person, for a complex pile of reasons that we don't know.

She wants to be with you badly, don't you think that if she was capable of being what you want that she would be that by now???

We think you're the bad guy because this woman obviously is petrified of losing you, and you don't see her as good enough, and that will utterly crush her over time.

Staying with someone who desperately wants you to love them when it's clear that they can't be the kind of person you will truly love and accept is FUCKING CRUEL.

That is why everyone here makes you out to be the bad guy.

Your expectations are perfectly fine if that's what you need to be happy. But for fucks sake, go find a woman who can actually meet them.

Or get some therapy to figure out if some of your expectations are perhaps unreasonable and why. That's up to you if you end up struggling to accept any woman.

But fuck man...you are damaging this woman, I guarantee it.

And if you're cool with doing that to her, you are a cold, cruel person.

This bold part really hit me hard, and I often cannot figure out why she wants to be with me so badly...

Have you ever considered asking her?

[Metalcat]

Anniversary of What?  You are not married.  There is obviously a reason she thinks she needs to plan things without cluing you in and it probably has to do with your own behavior.  I see things getting only worse with her, not better.

Correct, we are not married.  Anniversary of our first date.  She's been making a big deal out of this anniversary for over 6 months.  And then she pulls a stunt like this, which confuses me and frustrates me to no end...

That's not a real thing though.  I don't get why you're so upset.

This is unfair. Many people celebrate first date anniversaries. I do, my parents do. It's a thing. You don't get to decide what is important to other couples.

[G-String]

Kids are away with their Dad on our anniversary so we already had the evening to ourselves for our anniversary.  And  this past week I asked her if I could make reservations for the restaurant she suggested, and she told me to hold off.  It is now apparent why she did that, because she had other plans with her kids, but decided not to tell me about them.  You are trying to make me out to be the bad guy here, but is it not concerning how secretive she has been here, and is her inability to communicate/consult with me not unhealthy for relationship of one year?

Yes, 1 year is more than long enough for you to figure out if her communication style works for you.

It doesn't.

Nobody here thinks your girlfriend is perfect and that you're always unreasonable in terms of what you want with respect to communication.

We ALL think you're unreasonable for trying to pressure her to be something she's not. She's not the kind of person who communicates the way you want, she is obviously not comfortable being that kind of person, for a complex pile of reasons that we don't know.

She wants to be with you badly, don't you think that if she was capable of being what you want that she would be that by now???

We think you're the bad guy because this woman obviously is petrified of losing you, and you don't see her as good enough, and that will utterly crush her over time.

Staying with someone who desperately wants you to love them when it's clear that they can't be the kind of person you will truly love and accept is FUCKING CRUEL.

That is why everyone here makes you out to be the bad guy.

Your expectations are perfectly fine if that's what you need to be happy. But for fucks sake, go find a woman who can actually meet them.

Or get some therapy to figure out if some of your expectations are perhaps unreasonable and why. That's up to you if you end up struggling to accept any woman.

But fuck man...you are damaging this woman, I guarantee it.

And if you're cool with doing that to her, you are a cold, cruel person.

This bold part really hit me hard, and I often cannot figure out why she wants to be with me so badly...

Have you ever considered asking her?

Yes once, and as usual she avoided the question.   

[Kris]

Kids are away with their Dad on our anniversary so we already had the evening to ourselves for our anniversary.  And  this past week I asked her if I could make reservations for the restaurant she suggested, and she told me to hold off.  It is now apparent why she did that, because she had other plans with her kids, but decided not to tell me about them.  You are trying to make me out to be the bad guy here, but is it not concerning how secretive she has been here, and is her inability to communicate/consult with me not unhealthy for relationship of one year?

Yes, 1 year is more than long enough for you to figure out if her communication style works for you.

It doesn't.

Nobody here thinks your girlfriend is perfect and that you're always unreasonable in terms of what you want with respect to communication.

We ALL think you're unreasonable for trying to pressure her to be something she's not. She's not the kind of person who communicates the way you want, she is obviously not comfortable being that kind of person, for a complex pile of reasons that we don't know.

She wants to be with you badly, don't you think that if she was capable of being what you want that she would be that by now???

We think you're the bad guy because this woman obviously is petrified of losing you, and you don't see her as good enough, and that will utterly crush her over time.

Staying with someone who desperately wants you to love them when it's clear that they can't be the kind of person you will truly love and accept is FUCKING CRUEL.

That is why everyone here makes you out to be the bad guy.

Your expectations are perfectly fine if that's what you need to be happy. But for fucks sake, go find a woman who can actually meet them.

Or get some therapy to figure out if some of your expectations are perhaps unreasonable and why. That's up to you if you end up struggling to accept any woman.

But fuck man...you are damaging this woman, I guarantee it.

And if you're cool with doing that to her, you are a cold, cruel person.

This bold part really hit me hard, and I often cannot figure out why she wants to be with me so badly...

Have you ever considered asking her?

Yes once, and as usual she avoided the question.

My sense is that she wants to be with *someone*. And since she is with you now, she is holding on for dear life, not healthy enough to ask herself whether you two are compatible.

Which, I think you are doing, too. Just in a completely different way. Both of you are staring at a huge boulder right in front of you, trying not to see it.

[curious_george]

Anniversary of What?  You are not married.  There is obviously a reason she thinks she needs to plan things without cluing you in and it probably has to do with your own behavior.  I see things getting only worse with her, not better.

Correct, we are not married.  Anniversary of our first date.  She's been making a big deal out of this anniversary for over 6 months.  And then she pulls a stunt like this, which confuses me and frustrates me to no end...

That's not a real thing though.  I don't get why you're so upset.

This is unfair. Many people celebrate first date anniversaries. I do, my parents do. It's a thing. You don't get to decide what is important to other couples.

Yeah I agree with Metalcat here. My wife and I celebrated our dating anniversary when we were dating also. A lot of couples do.

[curious_george]

Kids are away with their Dad on our anniversary so we already had the evening to ourselves for our anniversary.  And  this past week I asked her if I could make reservations for the restaurant she suggested, and she told me to hold off.  It is now apparent why she did that, because she had other plans with her kids, but decided not to tell me about them.  You are trying to make me out to be the bad guy here, but is it not concerning how secretive she has been here, and is her inability to communicate/consult with me not unhealthy for relationship of one year?

Yes, 1 year is more than long enough for you to figure out if her communication style works for you.

It doesn't.

Nobody here thinks your girlfriend is perfect and that you're always unreasonable in terms of what you want with respect to communication.

We ALL think you're unreasonable for trying to pressure her to be something she's not. She's not the kind of person who communicates the way you want, she is obviously not comfortable being that kind of person, for a complex pile of reasons that we don't know.

She wants to be with you badly, don't you think that if she was capable of being what you want that she would be that by now???

We think you're the bad guy because this woman obviously is petrified of losing you, and you don't see her as good enough, and that will utterly crush her over time.

Staying with someone who desperately wants you to love them when it's clear that they can't be the kind of person you will truly love and accept is FUCKING CRUEL.

That is why everyone here makes you out to be the bad guy.

Your expectations are perfectly fine if that's what you need to be happy. But for fucks sake, go find a woman who can actually meet them.

Or get some therapy to figure out if some of your expectations are perhaps unreasonable and why. That's up to you if you end up struggling to accept any woman.

But fuck man...you are damaging this woman, I guarantee it.

And if you're cool with doing that to her, you are a cold, cruel person.

This bold part really hit me hard, and I often cannot figure out why she wants to be with me so badly...

Have you ever considered asking her?

Yes once, and as usual she avoided the question.

Damn....

Good luck my friend.

[Metalcat]

This bold part really hit me hard, and I often cannot figure out why she wants to be with me so badly...

Seriously???

She's a single mother of 5 kids, it's incredibly hard for her to find someone who is willing to date her, and you are generally nice to her, so she petrified of losing what you have to offer even though it's nowhere near enough for her to actually be healthy in a relationship.

She probably doesn't believe that she can (and should) do better, she probably doesn't feel like she'll ever find someone to accept her as she is, and she may be right.

She's a single mother of 5 children and she has abuse trauma. She likely needs to get some really good therapy before she can build the self esteem and skills she needs to be in a truly healthy relationship.

So there's a very good chance that her intense motivation to be with you comes from a deeply unhealthy place of low self esteem and trauma.

And you're taking advantage of that. Because you are NOT offering enough acceptance, patience, and compassion to be a good partner to someone like her. Sorry, but you aren't.

You are offering just enough niceness and generosity to keep her on the hook while you constantly judge her as not being good enough for you.

That's not kind, that's not loving, that's a slow motion car crash that's going to leave her far worse off than how she started.

Congrats, you're going to pulverize what's left of the tattered self-esteem this poor woman has left, but hey, you will get a bit of affection and sex along the way, so good for you??

So no, she shouldn't be this enthusiastic about trying to keep a man who is seriously just not that into her as she is, someone who is dating her for her potential, someone who resents her constantly for her behaviours, many of which are trauma based.

She shouldn't want to be with you, she's just not healthy enough or strong enough to realize that.

If I were her therapist, I would be digging into why she doesn't feel she deserves acceptance from her partner. I wouldn't be scolding her for the fact that she doesn't feel safe enough with you to be open and honest.

[Metalcat]

Also, just to be 100% CLEAR

There ARE people out there who can be patient and compassionate enough with a woman like this to help them heal from their trauma and slowly build the kind of caring trust that resolves these types of issues.

You are not that person.

YOU are not the right partner for HER.

[G-String]

An update:  she just called me.  She says she is now thinking about a full week in a different location, which would still cover our anniversary.  Still with her kids.  She asked me if the location and dates works for me, which I said yes.  I told her I appreciate her consulting with me on this, that I am flexible with travel, and that all I ask for is that I be consulted as part of the decision.  It was a very pleasant conversation. 

[Kris]

An update:  she just called me.  She says she is now thinking about a full week in a different location, which would still cover our anniversary.  She asked me if the location and dates works for me, which I said yes.  I told her I appreciate her consulting with me on this, that I am flexible with travel, and that all I ask for is that I be consulted as part of the decision.  It was a very pleasant conversation.

She caved, you’re happy.

Crisis averted, for you, for now.

It still doesn’t solve any of the problems you have brought up, or the basic incompatibility you two are facing. It just kicks the can further down the road.

Have fun on your trip.

[Captain FIRE]

An update:  she just called me.  She says she is now thinking about a full week in a different location, which would still cover our anniversary.  She asked me if the location and dates works for me, which I said yes.  I told her I appreciate her consulting with me on this, that I am flexible with travel, and that all I ask for is that I be consulted as part of the decision.  It was a very pleasant conversation.

She caved, you’re happy.

Crisis averted, for you, for now.

It still doesn’t solve any of the problems you have brought up, or the basic incompatibility you two are facing. It just kicks the can further down the road.

Have fun on your trip.

+1

On a separate note, as everyone has covered the relationship issues, basic incompatibility, need to accept her as she is quite well:

Why does the specific date matter so much? For DECADES my family has regularly moved special dates when necessary to accommodate other important things.
- My college graduation date was on my parent's anniversary. They picked another date to celebrate it.
- Family can't all get together for Mother's Day or Father's Day? We moved it and picked another date to celebrate because getting together was more important than a specific date.
- Growing up my mom even celebrated Christmas a day early, so we could travel and be with family on Christmas day. We had no idea.
- Due to COVID, we weren't comfortably traveling with our unvaccinated kids. My folks postponed the 50th year anniversary family trip they wanted to take to the 51st, after they were vaccinated. And 50th is a pretty big f'ing deal....
- Various birthday and other anniversary celebrations so mundane I don't even remember specifics.
- We never go out on Valentine's Day because <shudders> that'd be a miserable crowded dinner, but often have a date night a week before or afterwards.
- This year (and last) Easter will be celebrated a week early this year, when two young grads can make it down (limited weekends off due to residency).

This obviously doesn't work as well for kids, but even for them we've done birthday parties on weekends rather than weekdays.

As an adult, the specific date is not as important as spending meaningful time celebrating the occasion. This is very much a mountain out of a molehill, and thus indicative of larger deeper problems.

[Metalcat]

^that too

As much as I support celebrating dating milestones and don't think it's reasonable for others to dictate that only marriage milestones matter, an exact date is a silly thing to stress over.

We don't even worry about celebrating our birthdays in exact dates.

We'll be celebrating our 10 year dating anniversary, which was in February, in April because that's when the solar eclipse is and that's how we decided to celebrate, with a weekend trip to go see it.

[G-String]

^that too

As much as I support celebrating dating milestones and don't think it's reasonable for others to dictate that only marriage milestones matter, an exact date is a silly thing to stress over.

We don't even worry about celebrating our birthdays in exact dates.

We'll be celebrating our 10 year dating anniversary, which was in February, in April because that's when the solar eclipse is and that's how we decided to celebrate, with a weekend trip to go see it.

I agree 100% and if she talked to me about it first I'd have had no issue.  The issue for me is she went ahead and made decisions without even talking to me about it.  I would have been perfectly fine with everything as it stand now.  The issue is her not consulting with me, and that she had this on her mind for 2 months and didn't say anything to me, while continuing to discuss our anniversary plans with me. 

[Metalcat]

^that too

As much as I support celebrating dating milestones and don't think it's reasonable for others to dictate that only marriage milestones matter, an exact date is a silly thing to stress over.

We don't even worry about celebrating our birthdays in exact dates.

We'll be celebrating our 10 year dating anniversary, which was in February, in April because that's when the solar eclipse is and that's how we decided to celebrate, with a weekend trip to go see it.

I agree 100% and if she talked to me about it first I'd have had no issue.  The issue for me is she went ahead and made decisions without even talking to me about it.  I would have been perfectly fine with everything as it stand now.  The issue is her not consulting with me, and that she had this on her mind for 2 months and didn't say anything to me, while continuing to discuss our anniversary plans with me.

Yes, well all understand what your issues with her behaviour are.

You've made them very clear.

[GuitarStv]

Anniversary of What?  You are not married.  There is obviously a reason she thinks she needs to plan things without cluing you in and it probably has to do with your own behavior.  I see things getting only worse with her, not better.

Correct, we are not married.  Anniversary of our first date.  She's been making a big deal out of this anniversary for over 6 months.  And then she pulls a stunt like this, which confuses me and frustrates me to no end...

That's not a real thing though.  I don't get why you're so upset.

This is unfair. Many people celebrate first date anniversaries. I do, my parents do. It's a thing. You don't get to decide what is important to other couples.

Yeah I agree with Metalcat here. My wife and I celebrated our dating anniversary when we were dating also. A lot of couples do.

Fair enough.  Honestly, I don't place much value in celebrating dates of any sort.  Although I've learned to celebrate birthdays because my wife has said this is important to her.

A date is just a date.  It's unimportant relative to how you treat people in your life all the time.  I'd prefer to give and receive gifts, time and special events randomly through the year rather than at set times where it becomes an expectation.  I think that the expectation actually saps a lot of the magic out of the practice.

In the OP's case, if you want to do something fun with your significant other and she has planned something else - just push your plans back a few weeks.  You still get to do exactly the same thing, but there's no conflict.  Seems dumb to get upset about something as inconsequential as a mark on a calendar.

[G-String]

Anniversary of What?  You are not married.  There is obviously a reason she thinks she needs to plan things without cluing you in and it probably has to do with your own behavior.  I see things getting only worse with her, not better.

Correct, we are not married.  Anniversary of our first date.  She's been making a big deal out of this anniversary for over 6 months.  And then she pulls a stunt like this, which confuses me and frustrates me to no end...

That's not a real thing though.  I don't get why you're so upset.

This is unfair. Many people celebrate first date anniversaries. I do, my parents do. It's a thing. You don't get to decide what is important to other couples.

Yeah I agree with Metalcat here. My wife and I celebrated our dating anniversary when we were dating also. A lot of couples do.

Fair enough.  Honestly, I don't place much value in celebrating dates of any sort.  Although I've learned to celebrate birthdays because my wife has said this is important to her.

A date is just a date.  It's unimportant relative to how you treat people in your life all the time.  I'd prefer to give and receive gifts, time and special events randomly through the year rather than at set times where it becomes an expectation.  I think that the expectation actually saps a lot of the magic out of the practice.

In the OP's case, if you want to do something fun with your significant other and she has planned something else - just push your plans back a few weeks.  You still get to do exactly the same thing, but there's no conflict.  Seems dumb to get upset about something as inconsequential as a mark on a calendar.

I will say it again: I agree 100% and if she talked to me about it first I'd have had no issue.  The issue for me is she went ahead and made decisions without even talking to me about it.  I would have been perfectly fine with everything as it stands now.  The issue is her not consulting with me, and that she had this on her mind for 2 months and didn't say anything to me, while continuing to discuss our anniversary plans with me.

[Raenia]

I will say it again: I agree 100% and if she talked to me about it first I'd have had no issue.  The issue for me is she went ahead and made decisions without even talking to me about it.  I would have been perfectly fine with everything as it stands now.  The issue is her not consulting with me, and that she had this on her mind for 2 months and didn't say anything to me, while continuing to discuss our anniversary plans with me.

WE KNOW why you're upset with her! What we don't know is why you stay with her knowing that she is and will continue to upset you like this.

STOP EXPECTING HER TO CHANGE!!!

[G-String]

I will say it again: I agree 100% and if she talked to me about it first I'd have had no issue.  The issue for me is she went ahead and made decisions without even talking to me about it.  I would have been perfectly fine with everything as it stands now.  The issue is her not consulting with me, and that she had this on her mind for 2 months and didn't say anything to me, while continuing to discuss our anniversary plans with me.

WE KNOW why you're upset with her! What we don't know is why you stay with her knowing that she is and will continue to upset you like this.

STOP EXPECTING HER TO CHANGE!!!

Thing is there have been some changes, but there are inconsistent and slow. For example, we make some progress, and then take a step back.  There are some examples of big changes, and then a setback like yesterday.  She had many, many walls up because of past trauma, and some big ones have come down but it is a slow and inconsistent process.

[GuitarStv]

Anniversary of What?  You are not married.  There is obviously a reason she thinks she needs to plan things without cluing you in and it probably has to do with your own behavior.  I see things getting only worse with her, not better.

Correct, we are not married.  Anniversary of our first date.  She's been making a big deal out of this anniversary for over 6 months.  And then she pulls a stunt like this, which confuses me and frustrates me to no end...

That's not a real thing though.  I don't get why you're so upset.

This is unfair. Many people celebrate first date anniversaries. I do, my parents do. It's a thing. You don't get to decide what is important to other couples.

Yeah I agree with Metalcat here. My wife and I celebrated our dating anniversary when we were dating also. A lot of couples do.

Fair enough.  Honestly, I don't place much value in celebrating dates of any sort.  Although I've learned to celebrate birthdays because my wife has said this is important to her.

A date is just a date.  It's unimportant relative to how you treat people in your life all the time.  I'd prefer to give and receive gifts, time and special events randomly through the year rather than at set times where it becomes an expectation.  I think that the expectation actually saps a lot of the magic out of the practice.

In the OP's case, if you want to do something fun with your significant other and she has planned something else - just push your plans back a few weeks.  You still get to do exactly the same thing, but there's no conflict.  Seems dumb to get upset about something as inconsequential as a mark on a calendar.

I will say it again: I agree 100% and if she talked to me about it first I'd have had no issue.  The issue for me is she went ahead and made decisions without even talking to me about it.  I would have been perfectly fine with everything as it stands now.  The issue is her not consulting with me, and that she had this on her mind for 2 months and didn't say anything to me, while continuing to discuss our anniversary plans with me.

Yeah, that would bug me.  So I'd say "Hey, we had plans for XX date and you changed them without asking me.  That kinda bums me out and makes me feel like I'm not important to you.  How can we schedule in some time for this anniversary stuff after your trip?"  And then we could open a conversation and dialogue about this sort of stuff and expectations.

Maybe I'm reading you wrong, but I strongly get the impression that you don't have a lot of direct conversations about your feelings and your relationship with this woman.  People don't always pick up on the same indirect cues - I've found that frank honesty is usually the best policy.  And if you find that her frank and honest responses to you keep upsetting you, then maybe the relationship isn't going to work.

[Fru-Gal]

Honestly, I don't place much value in celebrating dates of any sort.

Amen.

[Villanelle]

Didn't you already say a couple pages ago that you knew you needed to break up with her, but you don't like breaking up with someone so you are deciding it's better to continue to string along her and her kids?  I thought we already got there, but maybe not. 

It's hard to tell from the details of this latest in the strong of things she does that you don't like, but I think that yes, I might be annoyed and frustrated.  You'd discussed doing something together and while you hadn't settled on firm plans, it was more than "maybe we should hang out".  And then she went and booked something with no input from you.  Yeah, I'd be annoyed by that. 

But, so what?  You already know she does many, many things that annoy you.  You already know her kids will always come first, and not by just a little but.  You already know she's not a direct or effective communicator with you.

What does this latest event change?  Nada.  It's more of the same.  You don't like what being in a relationship with this woman entails.  But because you think it feels bad to dump someone, you continue to cruelly string her and her children along.  I would feel awful if I did that to someone.  Either you are okay with it, or you have the decency to end things.  One really awkward phone call--heck, in this case if it gets the job done I'd be on board with a break-up text since that's better than just continuing and leading everyone on--and then it's done.  Go no-contact if you need to afterwards.  Just do it.

Or don't, but know that means that these situations will continue, and even get worse.  And you will continue to be someone who stay ins in a relationship you know doesn't work, because break ups feel uncomfortable.  Those are you choices.  Pick one.  And if you choose the later, stop moaning about her doing the things she always does and that you know she always does, because you are actively *CHOOSING* to continue to sign up for them. 

[ixtap]

How can the trip be over the anniversary and the kids are with Dad on the anniversary? If these are both accurate statements, sounds like the trip was part of family coordination and she was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[spartana]

Didn't you already say a couple pages ago that you knew you needed to break up with her, but you don't like breaking up with someone so you are deciding it's better to continue to string along her and her kids?  I thought we already got there, but maybe not. 

It's hard to tell from the details of this latest in the strong of things she does that you don't like, but I think that yes, I might be annoyed and frustrated.  You'd discussed doing something together and while you hadn't settled on firm plans, it was more than "maybe we should hang out".  And then she went and booked something with no input from you.  Yeah, I'd be annoyed by that. 

But, so what?  You already know she does many, many things that annoy you.  You already know her kids will always come first, and not by just a little but.  You already know she's not a direct or effective communicator with you.

What does this latest event change?  Nada.  It's more of the same.  You don't like what being in a relationship with this woman entails.  But because you think it feels bad to dump someone, you continue to cruelly string her and her children along.  I would feel awful if I did that to someone.  Either you are okay with it, or you have the decency to end things.  One really awkward phone call--heck, in this case if it gets the job done I'd be on board with a break-up text since that's better than just continuing and leading everyone on--and then it's done.  Go no-contact if you need to afterwards.  Just do it.

Or don't, but know that means that these situations will continue, and even get worse.  And you will continue to be someone who stay ins in a relationship you know doesn't work, because break ups feel uncomfortable.  Those are you choices.  Pick one.  And if you choose the later, stop moaning about her doing the things she always does and that you know she always does, because you are actively *CHOOSING* to continue to sign up for them.

Agreed. He needs to break up with with her rather than drag his feet (and her life) in some long term angst ridden relationship where neither she or he will accept the others ways. You are not compatable. End it. Period. But you won't just like you wouldn't end your 10 year long relationship with a woman who desperately wanted a child and you were dragging your feet on that until she was near or at her reproductive years and had to go thru IVF if she wanted a child. All because you are afraid of breaking up and would rather just drag it out as long as possible. Sorry but you need to end it. For her as much as for you.

[G-String]

How can the trip be over the anniversary and the kids are with Dad on the anniversary? If these are both accurate statements, sounds like the trip was part of family coordination and she was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Nope.  If we are in town, the kids are with Dad.  If we take the trip, then Dad needs to agree.  And then it's me, the mom (my GF), and her kids on the trip.  Dad gets make-up time with the kids another time if we go on the trip. 

[G-String]

Didn't you already say a couple pages ago that you knew you needed to break up with her, but you don't like breaking up with someone so you are deciding it's better to continue to string along her and her kids?  I thought we already got there, but maybe not. 

It's hard to tell from the details of this latest in the strong of things she does that you don't like, but I think that yes, I might be annoyed and frustrated.  You'd discussed doing something together and while you hadn't settled on firm plans, it was more than "maybe we should hang out".  And then she went and booked something with no input from you.  Yeah, I'd be annoyed by that. 

But, so what?  You already know she does many, many things that annoy you.  You already know her kids will always come first, and not by just a little but.  You already know she's not a direct or effective communicator with you.

What does this latest event change?  Nada.  It's more of the same.  You don't like what being in a relationship with this woman entails.  But because you think it feels bad to dump someone, you continue to cruelly string her and her children along.  I would feel awful if I did that to someone.  Either you are okay with it, or you have the decency to end things.  One really awkward phone call--heck, in this case if it gets the job done I'd be on board with a break-up text since that's better than just continuing and leading everyone on--and then it's done.  Go no-contact if you need to afterwards.  Just do it.

Or don't, but know that means that these situations will continue, and even get worse.  And you will continue to be someone who stay ins in a relationship you know doesn't work, because break ups feel uncomfortable.  Those are you choices.  Pick one.  And if you choose the later, stop moaning about her doing the things she always does and that you know she always does, because you are actively *CHOOSING* to continue to sign up for them.

Agreed. He needs to break up with with her rather than drag his feet (and her life) in some long term angst ridden relationship where neither she or he will accept the others ways. You are not compatable. End it. Period. But you won't just like you wouldn't end your 10 year long relationship with a woman who desperately wanted a child and you were dragging your feet on that until she was near or at her reproductive years and had to go thru IVF if she wanted a child. All because you are afraid of breaking up and would rather just drag it out as long as possible. Sorry but you need to end it. For her as much as for you.

I have talked to her about our incompatibilities and she doesn't agree. 

And I wouldn't put this all on me.  She is grown adult woman who also chooses to stay in the relationship.  It takes two to tango, as they say. 

[Kris]

Didn't you already say a couple pages ago that you knew you needed to break up with her, but you don't like breaking up with someone so you are deciding it's better to continue to string along her and her kids?  I thought we already got there, but maybe not. 

It's hard to tell from the details of this latest in the strong of things she does that you don't like, but I think that yes, I might be annoyed and frustrated.  You'd discussed doing something together and while you hadn't settled on firm plans, it was more than "maybe we should hang out".  And then she went and booked something with no input from you.  Yeah, I'd be annoyed by that. 

But, so what?  You already know she does many, many things that annoy you.  You already know her kids will always come first, and not by just a little but.  You already know she's not a direct or effective communicator with you.

What does this latest event change?  Nada.  It's more of the same.  You don't like what being in a relationship with this woman entails.  But because you think it feels bad to dump someone, you continue to cruelly string her and her children along.  I would feel awful if I did that to someone.  Either you are okay with it, or you have the decency to end things.  One really awkward phone call--heck, in this case if it gets the job done I'd be on board with a break-up text since that's better than just continuing and leading everyone on--and then it's done.  Go no-contact if you need to afterwards.  Just do it.

Or don't, but know that means that these situations will continue, and even get worse.  And you will continue to be someone who stay ins in a relationship you know doesn't work, because break ups feel uncomfortable.  Those are you choices.  Pick one.  And if you choose the later, stop moaning about her doing the things she always does and that you know she always does, because you are actively *CHOOSING* to continue to sign up for them.

Agreed. He needs to break up with with her rather than drag his feet (and her life) in some long term angst ridden relationship where neither she or he will accept the others ways. You are not compatable. End it. Period. But you won't just like you wouldn't end your 10 year long relationship with a woman who desperately wanted a child and you were dragging your feet on that until she was near or at her reproductive years and had to go thru IVF if she wanted a child. All because you are afraid of breaking up and would rather just drag it out as long as possible. Sorry but you need to end it. For her as much as for you.

I have talked to her about our incompatibilities and she doesn't agree.

Right. Because she is traumatized and hanging onto you for dear life, even though you are not good for her. Of course she doesn't agree because she is not healthy enough to be making mature decisions about who to be in a relationship with.

Which is why you need to be the healthy adult and break it off.

Except you are also displaying non-healthy behavior. Which is why this keeps dragging on.

Break it off.

[G-String]

Didn't you already say a couple pages ago that you knew you needed to break up with her, but you don't like breaking up with someone so you are deciding it's better to continue to string along her and her kids?  I thought we already got there, but maybe not. 

It's hard to tell from the details of this latest in the strong of things she does that you don't like, but I think that yes, I might be annoyed and frustrated.  You'd discussed doing something together and while you hadn't settled on firm plans, it was more than "maybe we should hang out".  And then she went and booked something with no input from you.  Yeah, I'd be annoyed by that. 

But, so what?  You already know she does many, many things that annoy you.  You already know her kids will always come first, and not by just a little but.  You already know she's not a direct or effective communicator with you.

What does this latest event change?  Nada.  It's more of the same.  You don't like what being in a relationship with this woman entails.  But because you think it feels bad to dump someone, you continue to cruelly string her and her children along.  I would feel awful if I did that to someone.  Either you are okay with it, or you have the decency to end things.  One really awkward phone call--heck, in this case if it gets the job done I'd be on board with a break-up text since that's better than just continuing and leading everyone on--and then it's done.  Go no-contact if you need to afterwards.  Just do it.

Or don't, but know that means that these situations will continue, and even get worse.  And you will continue to be someone who stay ins in a relationship you know doesn't work, because break ups feel uncomfortable.  Those are you choices.  Pick one.  And if you choose the later, stop moaning about her doing the things she always does and that you know she always does, because you are actively *CHOOSING* to continue to sign up for them.

Agreed. He needs to break up with with her rather than drag his feet (and her life) in some long term angst ridden relationship where neither she or he will accept the others ways. You are not compatable. End it. Period. But you won't just like you wouldn't end your 10 year long relationship with a woman who desperately wanted a child and you were dragging your feet on that until she was near or at her reproductive years and had to go thru IVF if she wanted a child. All because you are afraid of breaking up and would rather just drag it out as long as possible. Sorry but you need to end it. For her as much as for you.

I have talked to her about our incompatibilities and she doesn't agree.

Right. Because she is traumatized and hanging onto you for dear life, even though you are not good for her. Of course she doesn't agree because she is not healthy enough to be making mature decisions about who to be in a relationship with.

Which is why you need to be the healthy adult and break it off.

Except you are also displaying non-healthy behavior. Which is why this keeps dragging on.

Break it off.

I don't think it's fair to put this all on me.  She is grown adult woman who also chooses to stay in the relationship.  It takes two to tango, as they say.

[Kris]

Didn't you already say a couple pages ago that you knew you needed to break up with her, but you don't like breaking up with someone so you are deciding it's better to continue to string along her and her kids?  I thought we already got there, but maybe not. 

It's hard to tell from the details of this latest in the strong of things she does that you don't like, but I think that yes, I might be annoyed and frustrated.  You'd discussed doing something together and while you hadn't settled on firm plans, it was more than "maybe we should hang out".  And then she went and booked something with no input from you.  Yeah, I'd be annoyed by that. 

But, so what?  You already know she does many, many things that annoy you.  You already know her kids will always come first, and not by just a little but.  You already know she's not a direct or effective communicator with you.

What does this latest event change?  Nada.  It's more of the same.  You don't like what being in a relationship with this woman entails.  But because you think it feels bad to dump someone, you continue to cruelly string her and her children along.  I would feel awful if I did that to someone.  Either you are okay with it, or you have the decency to end things.  One really awkward phone call--heck, in this case if it gets the job done I'd be on board with a break-up text since that's better than just continuing and leading everyone on--and then it's done.  Go no-contact if you need to afterwards.  Just do it.

Or don't, but know that means that these situations will continue, and even get worse.  And you will continue to be someone who stay ins in a relationship you know doesn't work, because break ups feel uncomfortable.  Those are you choices.  Pick one.  And if you choose the later, stop moaning about her doing the things she always does and that you know she always does, because you are actively *CHOOSING* to continue to sign up for them.

Agreed. He needs to break up with with her rather than drag his feet (and her life) in some long term angst ridden relationship where neither she or he will accept the others ways. You are not compatable. End it. Period. But you won't just like you wouldn't end your 10 year long relationship with a woman who desperately wanted a child and you were dragging your feet on that until she was near or at her reproductive years and had to go thru IVF if she wanted a child. All because you are afraid of breaking up and would rather just drag it out as long as possible. Sorry but you need to end it. For her as much as for you.

I have talked to her about our incompatibilities and she doesn't agree.

Right. Because she is traumatized and hanging onto you for dear life, even though you are not good for her. Of course she doesn't agree because she is not healthy enough to be making mature decisions about who to be in a relationship with.

Which is why you need to be the healthy adult and break it off.

Except you are also displaying non-healthy behavior. Which is why this keeps dragging on.

Break it off.

I don't think it's fair to put this all on me.  She is grown adult woman who also chooses to stay in the relationship.  It takes two to tango, as they say.

LMAO no one is "putting all of this on you." We are saying it is unhealthy and only going to get worse. For both of you.

It takes two to tango. But only one to stop tangoing. That's the point.

[G-String]

Didn't you already say a couple pages ago that you knew you needed to break up with her, but you don't like breaking up with someone so you are deciding it's better to continue to string along her and her kids?  I thought we already got there, but maybe not. 

It's hard to tell from the details of this latest in the strong of things she does that you don't like, but I think that yes, I might be annoyed and frustrated.  You'd discussed doing something together and while you hadn't settled on firm plans, it was more than "maybe we should hang out".  And then she went and booked something with no input from you.  Yeah, I'd be annoyed by that. 

But, so what?  You already know she does many, many things that annoy you.  You already know her kids will always come first, and not by just a little but.  You already know she's not a direct or effective communicator with you.

What does this latest event change?  Nada.  It's more of the same.  You don't like what being in a relationship with this woman entails.  But because you think it feels bad to dump someone, you continue to cruelly string her and her children along.  I would feel awful if I did that to someone.  Either you are okay with it, or you have the decency to end things.  One really awkward phone call--heck, in this case if it gets the job done I'd be on board with a break-up text since that's better than just continuing and leading everyone on--and then it's done.  Go no-contact if you need to afterwards.  Just do it.

Or don't, but know that means that these situations will continue, and even get worse.  And you will continue to be someone who stay ins in a relationship you know doesn't work, because break ups feel uncomfortable.  Those are you choices.  Pick one.  And if you choose the later, stop moaning about her doing the things she always does and that you know she always does, because you are actively *CHOOSING* to continue to sign up for them.

Agreed. He needs to break up with with her rather than drag his feet (and her life) in some long term angst ridden relationship where neither she or he will accept the others ways. You are not compatable. End it. Period. But you won't just like you wouldn't end your 10 year long relationship with a woman who desperately wanted a child and you were dragging your feet on that until she was near or at her reproductive years and had to go thru IVF if she wanted a child. All because you are afraid of breaking up and would rather just drag it out as long as possible. Sorry but you need to end it. For her as much as for you.

I have talked to her about our incompatibilities and she doesn't agree.

Right. Because she is traumatized and hanging onto you for dear life, even though you are not good for her. Of course she doesn't agree because she is not healthy enough to be making mature decisions about who to be in a relationship with.

Which is why you need to be the healthy adult and break it off.

Except you are also displaying non-healthy behavior. Which is why this keeps dragging on.

Break it off.

I don't think it's fair to put this all on me.  She is grown adult woman who also chooses to stay in the relationship.  It takes two to tango, as they say.

LMAO no one is "putting all of this on you." We are saying it is unhealthy and only going to get worse. For both of you.

It takes two to tango. But only one to stop tangoing. That's the point.

Why do you say it is only going to get worse?  It many ways, it has recently gotten better. 

[Kris]

Didn't you already say a couple pages ago that you knew you needed to break up with her, but you don't like breaking up with someone so you are deciding it's better to continue to string along her and her kids?  I thought we already got there, but maybe not. 

It's hard to tell from the details of this latest in the strong of things she does that you don't like, but I think that yes, I might be annoyed and frustrated.  You'd discussed doing something together and while you hadn't settled on firm plans, it was more than "maybe we should hang out".  And then she went and booked something with no input from you.  Yeah, I'd be annoyed by that. 

But, so what?  You already know she does many, many things that annoy you.  You already know her kids will always come first, and not by just a little but.  You already know she's not a direct or effective communicator with you.

What does this latest event change?  Nada.  It's more of the same.  You don't like what being in a relationship with this woman entails.  But because you think it feels bad to dump someone, you continue to cruelly string her and her children along.  I would feel awful if I did that to someone.  Either you are okay with it, or you have the decency to end things.  One really awkward phone call--heck, in this case if it gets the job done I'd be on board with a break-up text since that's better than just continuing and leading everyone on--and then it's done.  Go no-contact if you need to afterwards.  Just do it.

Or don't, but know that means that these situations will continue, and even get worse.  And you will continue to be someone who stay ins in a relationship you know doesn't work, because break ups feel uncomfortable.  Those are you choices.  Pick one.  And if you choose the later, stop moaning about her doing the things she always does and that you know she always does, because you are actively *CHOOSING* to continue to sign up for them.

Agreed. He needs to break up with with her rather than drag his feet (and her life) in some long term angst ridden relationship where neither she or he will accept the others ways. You are not compatable. End it. Period. But you won't just like you wouldn't end your 10 year long relationship with a woman who desperately wanted a child and you were dragging your feet on that until she was near or at her reproductive years and had to go thru IVF if she wanted a child. All because you are afraid of breaking up and would rather just drag it out as long as possible. Sorry but you need to end it. For her as much as for you.

I have talked to her about our incompatibilities and she doesn't agree.

Right. Because she is traumatized and hanging onto you for dear life, even though you are not good for her. Of course she doesn't agree because she is not healthy enough to be making mature decisions about who to be in a relationship with.

Which is why you need to be the healthy adult and break it off.

Except you are also displaying non-healthy behavior. Which is why this keeps dragging on.

Break it off.

I don't think it's fair to put this all on me.  She is grown adult woman who also chooses to stay in the relationship.  It takes two to tango, as they say.

LMAO no one is "putting all of this on you." We are saying it is unhealthy and only going to get worse. For both of you.

It takes two to tango. But only one to stop tangoing. That's the point.

Why do you say it is only going to get worse?  It many ways, it has recently gotten better.

It has gotten temporarily better for you, because she is so traumatized from her past that she is falling all over herself to cave to your wishes because she is afraid you will leave her. In her heart of hearts, it is not getting better for her. But she will not admit that.

This is not sustainable.

Let me try one more time, using your analogy.

It takes two to tango. When the two of you, as individuals, get together to tango, it is not a good tango. She will keep tangoing with you no matter what, even if her feet start to bleed, because she has been traumatized to the point that she is convinced that she has to keep tangoing with you no matter what because she needs a tango partner, and she is afraid that if you leave -- no matter how bad of a tango partner you are for her -- she will never get another tango partner.

One of you needs to stop tangoing, for both of your sakes. It will not be her. So it needs to be you.

This is the only way either of you has a chance of ever getting a tango partner who is good *for you*.

[Villanelle]

Didn't you already say a couple pages ago that you knew you needed to break up with her, but you don't like breaking up with someone so you are deciding it's better to continue to string along her and her kids?  I thought we already got there, but maybe not. 

It's hard to tell from the details of this latest in the strong of things she does that you don't like, but I think that yes, I might be annoyed and frustrated.  You'd discussed doing something together and while you hadn't settled on firm plans, it was more than "maybe we should hang out".  And then she went and booked something with no input from you.  Yeah, I'd be annoyed by that. 

But, so what?  You already know she does many, many things that annoy you.  You already know her kids will always come first, and not by just a little but.  You already know she's not a direct or effective communicator with you.

What does this latest event change?  Nada.  It's more of the same.  You don't like what being in a relationship with this woman entails.  But because you think it feels bad to dump someone, you continue to cruelly string her and her children along.  I would feel awful if I did that to someone.  Either you are okay with it, or you have the decency to end things.  One really awkward phone call--heck, in this case if it gets the job done I'd be on board with a break-up text since that's better than just continuing and leading everyone on--and then it's done.  Go no-contact if you need to afterwards.  Just do it.

Or don't, but know that means that these situations will continue, and even get worse.  And you will continue to be someone who stay ins in a relationship you know doesn't work, because break ups feel uncomfortable.  Those are you choices.  Pick one.  And if you choose the later, stop moaning about her doing the things she always does and that you know she always does, because you are actively *CHOOSING* to continue to sign up for them.

Agreed. He needs to break up with with her rather than drag his feet (and her life) in some long term angst ridden relationship where neither she or he will accept the others ways. You are not compatable. End it. Period. But you won't just like you wouldn't end your 10 year long relationship with a woman who desperately wanted a child and you were dragging your feet on that until she was near or at her reproductive years and had to go thru IVF if she wanted a child. All because you are afraid of breaking up and would rather just drag it out as long as possible. Sorry but you need to end it. For her as much as for you.

I have talked to her about our incompatibilities and she doesn't agree. 

And I wouldn't put this all on me.  She is grown adult woman who also chooses to stay in the relationship.  It takes two to tango, as they say.

Right.  A traumatized, woman who avoids conflict almost pathologically hasn't broken up with you.  It does take 2 to tango, but it only takes one to do the right thing.  And you are the one who basically admitted this relationship needs to end.  She may not be there yet. So somehow that makes it okay for you to stay?

She doesn't need to agree that you are incompatible.  That's silly. If the other person thinks the relationship is working, and you don't, then somehow that means you should stay in it?

Those kids.  They have been through so much and you are dragging them through even more.  It's mean.  It's selfish.  It's gross.  And sorry, but that's 100% on you.  It may also be on their mom, but it's not 50/50.  You are 100% responsible for your own actions and choices.  You are responsible for all the damage and pain that comes from your refusal to have one hard conversation. 
 

[Metalcat]

Didn't you already say a couple pages ago that you knew you needed to break up with her, but you don't like breaking up with someone so you are deciding it's better to continue to string along her and her kids?  I thought we already got there, but maybe not. 

It's hard to tell from the details of this latest in the strong of things she does that you don't like, but I think that yes, I might be annoyed and frustrated.  You'd discussed doing something together and while you hadn't settled on firm plans, it was more than "maybe we should hang out".  And then she went and booked something with no input from you.  Yeah, I'd be annoyed by that. 

But, so what?  You already know she does many, many things that annoy you.  You already know her kids will always come first, and not by just a little but.  You already know she's not a direct or effective communicator with you.

What does this latest event change?  Nada.  It's more of the same.  You don't like what being in a relationship with this woman entails.  But because you think it feels bad to dump someone, you continue to cruelly string her and her children along.  I would feel awful if I did that to someone.  Either you are okay with it, or you have the decency to end things.  One really awkward phone call--heck, in this case if it gets the job done I'd be on board with a break-up text since that's better than just continuing and leading everyone on--and then it's done.  Go no-contact if you need to afterwards.  Just do it.

Or don't, but know that means that these situations will continue, and even get worse.  And you will continue to be someone who stay ins in a relationship you know doesn't work, because break ups feel uncomfortable.  Those are you choices.  Pick one.  And if you choose the later, stop moaning about her doing the things she always does and that you know she always does, because you are actively *CHOOSING* to continue to sign up for them.

Agreed. He needs to break up with with her rather than drag his feet (and her life) in some long term angst ridden relationship where neither she or he will accept the others ways. You are not compatable. End it. Period. But you won't just like you wouldn't end your 10 year long relationship with a woman who desperately wanted a child and you were dragging your feet on that until she was near or at her reproductive years and had to go thru IVF if she wanted a child. All because you are afraid of breaking up and would rather just drag it out as long as possible. Sorry but you need to end it. For her as much as for you.

I have talked to her about our incompatibilities and she doesn't agree. 

And I wouldn't put this all on me.  She is grown adult woman who also chooses to stay in the relationship.  It takes two to tango, as they say.

yes, and if she were here, we would be telling her to leave you too and get therapy.

But she's not here, you are, so we're talking to you.

[G-String]

Didn't you already say a couple pages ago that you knew you needed to break up with her, but you don't like breaking up with someone so you are deciding it's better to continue to string along her and her kids?  I thought we already got there, but maybe not. 

It's hard to tell from the details of this latest in the strong of things she does that you don't like, but I think that yes, I might be annoyed and frustrated.  You'd discussed doing something together and while you hadn't settled on firm plans, it was more than "maybe we should hang out".  And then she went and booked something with no input from you.  Yeah, I'd be annoyed by that. 

But, so what?  You already know she does many, many things that annoy you.  You already know her kids will always come first, and not by just a little but.  You already know she's not a direct or effective communicator with you.

What does this latest event change?  Nada.  It's more of the same.  You don't like what being in a relationship with this woman entails.  But because you think it feels bad to dump someone, you continue to cruelly string her and her children along.  I would feel awful if I did that to someone.  Either you are okay with it, or you have the decency to end things.  One really awkward phone call--heck, in this case if it gets the job done I'd be on board with a break-up text since that's better than just continuing and leading everyone on--and then it's done.  Go no-contact if you need to afterwards.  Just do it.

Or don't, but know that means that these situations will continue, and even get worse.  And you will continue to be someone who stay ins in a relationship you know doesn't work, because break ups feel uncomfortable.  Those are you choices.  Pick one.  And if you choose the later, stop moaning about her doing the things she always does and that you know she always does, because you are actively *CHOOSING* to continue to sign up for them.

Agreed. He needs to break up with with her rather than drag his feet (and her life) in some long term angst ridden relationship where neither she or he will accept the others ways. You are not compatable. End it. Period. But you won't just like you wouldn't end your 10 year long relationship with a woman who desperately wanted a child and you were dragging your feet on that until she was near or at her reproductive years and had to go thru IVF if she wanted a child. All because you are afraid of breaking up and would rather just drag it out as long as possible. Sorry but you need to end it. For her as much as for you.

I have talked to her about our incompatibilities and she doesn't agree.

Right. Because she is traumatized and hanging onto you for dear life, even though you are not good for her. Of course she doesn't agree because she is not healthy enough to be making mature decisions about who to be in a relationship with.

Which is why you need to be the healthy adult and break it off.

Except you are also displaying non-healthy behavior. Which is why this keeps dragging on.

Break it off.

I don't think it's fair to put this all on me.  She is grown adult woman who also chooses to stay in the relationship.  It takes two to tango, as they say.

LMAO no one is "putting all of this on you." We are saying it is unhealthy and only going to get worse. For both of you.

It takes two to tango. But only one to stop tangoing. That's the point.

Why do you say it is only going to get worse?  It many ways, it has recently gotten better.

It has gotten temporarily better for you, because she is so traumatized from her past that she is falling all over herself to cave to your wishes because she is afraid you will leave her. In her heart of hearts, it is not getting better for her. But she will not admit that.

This is not sustainable.

Let me try one more time, using your analogy.

It takes two to tango. When the two of you, as individuals, get together to tango, it is not a good tango. She will keep tangoing with you no matter what, even if her feet start to bleed, because she has been traumatized to the point that she is convinced that she has to keep tangoing with you no matter what because she needs a tango partner, and she is afraid that if you leave -- no matter how bad of a tango partner you are for her -- she will never get another tango partner.

One of you needs to stop tangoing, for both of your sakes. It will not be her. So it needs to be you.

This is the only way either of you has a chance of ever getting a tango partner who is good *for you*.

She has no problem getting men....she is quite attractive and has been in many relationships.  I think this analogy is a bit over the top.