Author Topic: How do you say no to friends  (Read 3167 times)

PoutineLover

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 290
How do you say no to friends
« on: March 14, 2017, 08:11:50 AM »
I got invited to an event that costs $42 and it's not even an artist I know but it would be fun to go out with my friends. I just don't want to spend the money, plus all the alcohol, and potentially cab, etc., and I also have some stuff to do so I don't want to be hungover the next day. I am going to say no, but I'm a little bummed that I am missing out on something primarily because I don't feel like spending money on it. I don't want to tell my friends that's why, and I probably will go out to eat with them beforehand so I'll still get to hang out with them, but I'm getting a bit of FOMO. How do you deal? I can't suggest something different, cause a group of them are going, and I know I could afford it but just have other priorities right now, but it still feels a bit shitty.

iowajes

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4920
  • Location: United States
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2017, 08:13:33 AM »
"Oh, that's not going to work for me. You guys have fun!  Maybe next weekend we can get together and do X"

okobrien

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 107
    • Up From Wage Slavery
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2017, 08:19:27 AM »
Be confident in your wise financial sense, and people will respect your decision.
"I have already spent my going out budget for the month" Should do the trick.
If they tell you you can afford it, explain that you are focused on long-term goals and priorities.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


Oil Patch Adams

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 84
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2017, 08:28:45 AM »
Simply put.  I say, "no thanks."

However, Don't forget to enjoy your life.  There are always fascinating people at "events", no new fascinating people in your home you haven't met yet.

Fishindude

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1460
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2017, 08:29:34 AM »
Funny scenario.
I've got a family member that just loves to run to the big city, get a fancy motel for the weekend, go out for $400 dinners and wine, go to a crowded sports venue or concert, etc.  They are always trying to convince me to come along and telling us how much fun it will be.  It's not so much a money thing, as much as I just do not enjoy this stuff.   I'd much rather spend the weekend cutting wood or working around home capped off by good steaks on the grill with cocktails and and a big bonfire looking at the stars.

After suffering through a few of those weekends I finally explained that I just do not enjoy this stuff, sorry but it's not my cup of tea and I'm not going anymore.   Now when approached about one of these plans, I sarcastically respond .... Hey, I don't bug you to cut firewood and go ice fishing.   You know I don't like that stuff.

Cwadda

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1801
  • Age: 23
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2017, 08:46:44 AM »
Could you say you're giving up alcohol for lent? Alcohol is where things start getting expensive. I don't see why you couldn't at least go to the $42 show. Unless you actually don't want to go to said show, for nonmonetary reasons.

caracarn

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 751
  • Age: 47
  • Location: Ohio
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2017, 08:51:09 AM »
Could you say you're giving up alcohol for lent? Alcohol is where things start getting expensive. I don't see why you couldn't at least go to the $42 show. Unless you actually don't want to go to said show, for nonmonetary reasons.

I'd always discourage people from lying.  If you're giving up alcohol for Lent, that's one thing, but deliberately lying to your friends is a level of low that I'd suggest people avoid.

skekses

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 30
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2017, 08:59:37 AM »
If the event isn't worth the cost, then I say that I can't go because I have adult responsibilities that I must attend to. If anyone argues with that, I shrug. I've got a household to run and don't owe any further explanation than that.

 

MarioMario

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 95
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2017, 09:00:03 AM »
I would say no thanks but let's do x next week.

PoutineLover

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 290
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2017, 09:19:48 AM »
Everyone has good points. I don't want to lie about it, but just saying it's just not my thing or I have other priorities would work. I think I just don't like saying no but I can't do everything all the time.

iowajes

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4920
  • Location: United States
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2017, 09:29:06 AM »
Could you say you're giving up alcohol for lent? Alcohol is where things start getting expensive. I don't see why you couldn't at least go to the $42 show. Unless you actually don't want to go to said show, for nonmonetary reasons.

I'd always discourage people from lying.  If you're giving up alcohol for Lent, that's one thing, but deliberately lying to your friends is a level of low that I'd suggest people avoid.

Not to mention, why are you friends with people you feel you have to lie to?

dcozad999

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 375
  • Location: Topeka, KS
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2017, 09:41:15 AM »
And why is lying easier than just saying "No thanks. I don't want to."

Gimesalot

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 552
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #12 on: March 14, 2017, 09:56:35 AM »
Why not just say?
I also have some stuff to do so I don't want to be hungover the next day.

Just be honest, you don't want to go.  Maybe you can find a cheap alternative activity and say that you already committed to doing that. 

rubybeth

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1113
  • Location: Minnesota
    • Money makes the world go 'round
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2017, 10:12:51 AM »
Honestly, your friends probably don't care why you aren't going. If I invite someone to do something and they decline, I don't barrage them with questions, "Why not?!? Whyyyy?!?" I just say, "No problem, see you another time." Imagining that your friends even care that much why you don't go is not really a problem. Just say you can't and leave it at that. If they ask why, you can say "I've got some plans the next day and don't want to be too tired."
My financial blog: http://rubybeth.wordpress.com

"Done is the engine of more." - the Done Manifesto

Easye418

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 416
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2017, 11:08:31 AM »
Buy cheaper friends. 
You either cut expenses, raise income, or both.  Simple as that.

aceyou

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1233
  • Age: 34
    • Life is Good - Aceyou's Journal
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #15 on: March 14, 2017, 12:00:44 PM »
"Man that sounds fun.  In 15 years when my kids are grown I'll be there!"

zoltani

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 932
  • Location: PNW
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #16 on: March 14, 2017, 12:07:47 PM »
Everyone has good points. I don't want to lie about it, but just saying it's just not my thing or I have other priorities would work. I think I just don't like saying no but I can't do everything all the time.

I recommend this classic:
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1489514844&sr=8-1&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty
“The hardest thing in the world is to simplify your life. It’s so easy to make it complex. What’s important is leading an examined life.”

Yvon Chouinard

mm1970

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4561
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #17 on: March 14, 2017, 02:06:28 PM »
"Oh, that's not going to work for me. You guys have fun!  Maybe next weekend we can get together and do X"
Pretty much this.

It's a fine line.  You know, I'm just not as spendy as my friends.  So, over the years, we've drifted apart.

I mean, we are still friends - but the kind of things like going out, or going skiing, or hanging out on the weekends - various groups of friends have found *other* friends to do this stuff with.  Other more spendy people.

The people we used to camp a lot with, now they go skiing every year with another family.  We don't really ski.

I've got two sets of friends/ neighbors who both joined this health club with a great pool and a great kid's pool.  So they go together all the time.  It's $250 a month "cheap!!"  (YMCA is only $103 a month, and, you know - neither of the moms works in the summer so they go every day.  I work.)

I've got other friends who are so busy with kids sports that if they do something, they want to go out to eat.  And well, that's expensive and eating out with a 4yo sucks.

So honestly, some of the distance has come from:
- many of my friends all have girls, I have boys.
-  many of my friends work PT or not at all, so they have time to hang out from 3 to 6 pm or in the summers
- many of my friends like to go out to eat, or vacation in nice places, or ski
- many of my friends didn't have a 6 year gap between kids, so their kids are all way more independent than my little one

That's not to say that I never see them - I do!  But not as often as before.  Instead of weekly, it's every 2 months for some.  Instead of 3-4 times a year, it's annually for others.

It's okay to maintain less frequent get togethers, but it takes more work.

Johnez

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 592
  • Location: Southern California
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2017, 04:47:43 PM »
Everyone has good points. I don't want to lie about it, but just saying it's just not my thing or I have other priorities would work. I think I just don't like saying no but I can't do everything all the time.

I recommend this classic:
https://www.amazon.com/When-Say-No-Feel-Guilty/dp/0553263900/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1489514844&sr=8-1&keywords=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty

Sounds like a great book, thanks for the rec.

Hoglet121

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 15
  • Location: NZ
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2017, 04:49:33 PM »
"You guys never go out."

" You guys are so lucky to be able to afford XYZ, we could never do that."

said to us by the same friends. Yup.

I'm honest and just say I don't want to spend money on something. We DO go out, but we're selective in what we spend on, knowing that a night out, or whatever, is much more than just the ticket for the event.

Poundwise

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 773
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #20 on: March 14, 2017, 05:12:21 PM »
I'm terrible at saying no, but what I have been working on is delaying.  So if I have a friend who wants to go out every other weekend, I try to move them to once a month or even less frequently.

You can put a post-it by your phone with the following script:
"Sorry, that date doesn't work for me! How about [insert date a month later]."

Better Late

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 90
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #21 on: March 14, 2017, 09:22:12 PM »
We are apt to mention something like our budget won't accommodate a big night out this month. Personally, I think it's a gift to your friends to acknowledge that you have to make economic choices...  I remember mentioning something about my budget to a friend once and she looked so relieved... she'd been feeling like everyone else seems to have endless amounts of $$ and someone she was the only one who didn't.  Spending time on a forum like this makes clear what's going on with the "unlimited spending" some folks seem to have, but if you don't have the opportunity to read about people's personal financial situations, it can feel like it's just you.

marble_faun

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 162
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #22 on: March 14, 2017, 10:01:10 PM »
I would just say: "Hey everyone, I'm not going to be able to make it this time. But perhaps we could all get together to do [Fun Cheap Activity] sometime soon?"

Personally, I'd avoid mentioning the cost as a factor. In my own circle of friends/family, people would start to speculate that something was "up" with me. I'd rather not invite any inquiries into my finances.  Depending on the way the cost factor is stated, it could also come across as judgmental.

Rather, I would redirect to cheaper activities in the future. This signals that you still want to hang out (rather than having to decline $$ invitations all the time). And you may come up with activities that are really interesting and that will be their own neat adventures.  For instance, a few of my friends and I have a sort of informal "club," wherein every once in a while we all pack into a car and seek out a little-known place in our region to explore for a day.

Good luck!
"Time flies pursue it Man. For why? thy days are but a Span."

pudding

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 259
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #23 on: March 14, 2017, 10:19:39 PM »
Simply put.  I say, "no thanks."

However, Don't forget to enjoy your life.  There are always fascinating people at "events", no new fascinating people in your home you haven't met yet.

lol... thats very true

BlueMR2

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1757
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #24 on: March 16, 2017, 07:37:39 AM »
I just simply say "no, that doesn't work for me".  If they press, I respond with "I can't afford it".  It always stops there.

ReadySetMillionaire

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 611
  • Location: The Buckeye State
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #25 on: March 16, 2017, 07:47:38 AM »
I am amazed that people openly mention budgets when turning down something that costs $42.

Not being able to attend a wedding across the country because you can't afford it this year? Okay, that's perfectly understandable.

But saying, "Sorry, we spent our entertainment budget this month and can't go to [whatever]."  I mean good heavens people.

Just make something up. "Sorry I have [whatever] the next morning and need to prepare and have a good night's sleep." Or literally anything other than "I'm too cheap to go, sorry."
« Last Edit: March 16, 2017, 08:16:16 AM by ReadySetMillionaire »
No more zero days. Promise yourself that you will do one thing every day that takes you one step closer to your goal.

Poundwise

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 773
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #26 on: March 16, 2017, 08:09:39 AM »
Some people are very truthful and a white lie does not work for them.  Plus, it OUGHT to be socially acceptable to be on a budget.  It does seem like the culture keeps pushing people to pretend to be richer than they are, spend more than they want, etc. so to admit that you are watching small expenditures is a push back on this pressure.

rothwem

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 321
  • Location: Raleigh, NC
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #27 on: March 16, 2017, 09:18:21 AM »
If it were my friends, I would say exactly what you said in the first post.

"Sorry, I don't think its worth spending $42 to see an artist I don't care about, and I've got stuff to do tomorrow and don't want to be up all night"

Boom.

It helps if you suggest something fun and cheap for another time though.

PoutineLover

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 290
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #28 on: March 16, 2017, 09:25:05 AM »
I am amazed that people openly mention budgets when turning down something that costs $42.

Not being able to attend a wedding across the country because you can't afford it this year? Okay, that's perfectly understandable.

But saying, "Sorry, we spent our entertainment budget this month and can't go to [whatever]."  I mean good heavens people.

Just make something up. "Sorry I have [whatever] the next morning and need to prepare and have a good night's sleep." Or literally anything other than "I'm too cheap to go, sorry."

When my entertainment budget is not very high because I'm trying to save up for other priorities, going to a $42 event plus drinks and a cab ends up being kinda expensive, but I would make room for it if it was something I really wanted to go to. This is more about how to prioritize what I do end up spending my money on to maximize my own enjoyment and still getting to spend time with the people I care about. I don't want to always turn down invitations, but I can't go to everything, so I have to find that balance and it's not always easy to communicate that without sounding cheap or antisocial.

okobrien

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 107
    • Up From Wage Slavery
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #29 on: March 19, 2017, 08:15:05 AM »
I am amazed that people openly mention budgets when turning down something that costs $42.

Not being able to attend a wedding across the country because you can't afford it this year? Okay, that's perfectly understandable.

But saying, "Sorry, we spent our entertainment budget this month and can't go to [whatever]."  I mean good heavens people.

Just make something up. "Sorry I have [whatever] the next morning and need to prepare and have a good night's sleep." Or literally anything other than "I'm too cheap to go, sorry."
I have found that being honest in relationships generally turns out better than lying.
If you are not comfortable letting your friends know about your priorities in life, you either need to rethink the choices you are making, or rethink the friends you have.
As they say, "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


Heckler

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1251
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #30 on: March 19, 2017, 11:08:37 AM »
How about $100 to throw axes at a wall for a friends birthday?  We said we were happy to join for the 7:45 pm dinner and drinks afterwards and were the only ones not starving at 8:45 when the group finally got seated, because we had already eaten dinner at home!

Case

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 392
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #31 on: March 19, 2017, 12:34:37 PM »
I got invited to an event that costs $42 and it's not even an artist I know but it would be fun to go out with my friends. I just don't want to spend the money, plus all the alcohol, and potentially cab, etc., and I also have some stuff to do so I don't want to be hungover the next day. I am going to say no, but I'm a little bummed that I am missing out on something primarily because I don't feel like spending money on it. I don't want to tell my friends that's why, and I probably will go out to eat with them beforehand so I'll still get to hang out with them, but I'm getting a bit of FOMO. How do you deal? I can't suggest something different, cause a group of them are going, and I know I could afford it but just have other priorities right now, but it still feels a bit shitty.

If your friends (or 'friends') are pushy and will pressure you even after you say no, then you need to establish hardlines with them or you will be manipulated into doing what they want.

I have found that my true friends do not actually question me, and I also want to hang out with them more and more willing to spend money or drink with them.  In contrast, my 'friends' are usually false friends that I am mostly maintaining because I know them through work and need to maintain the relationship for business reasons (or somethign like that).  These people, it is a delicate balance, because they can be pushy and will give you a lot of shit.  I think the best approach is early on in the relationship to establish that you are a certain way and cannot be manipulated.  If you don't give in to them, they may be less likely to further harass you. 

So, draw a hard line in the sand. 

iowajes

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 4920
  • Location: United States
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #32 on: March 19, 2017, 01:00:32 PM »
I have a hard time ever saying "I can't afford it". Unless they want to do an Antarctic cruise on a moments, I can afford it.  I just don't want to spend my money on many of these things.  I don't think money should be part of my explanation.  "I'm not interested" or "no thanks, but I appreciate the invite" seems to be plenty said.

Linda_Norway

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1410
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #33 on: March 19, 2017, 01:51:49 PM »
You can also try to let your friends know that you prefer to meet in other arena's, like in the outdoors or at home, some place that doesn't include cost.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2017, 02:16:34 AM by Linda_Norway »

Fire2025

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 219
  • Location: LA LA Land
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #34 on: March 19, 2017, 02:48:35 PM »
I've always found that whatever the reason, if I'm okay with it, my friends are okay with it too. 

If it's "That's not someone I'm willing to drop $42, plus drinks, cab and a hangover for sorry, but I'm totally in when its ______". Then just say that and mean it.  If they think you want "convincing" they are more than happy to apply pressure and "convince" you.  But if you're confident they'll move on.

stashgrower

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 295
  • Location: Australia
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #35 on: March 19, 2017, 07:05:09 PM »
The minimum information needed is "no".

The explanation is optional. You can make it general, e.g. "Thanks, but I have other responsibilities". Or you can make it specific, e.g. "I want to hang out, but I am not interested in spending money on this particular show plus booze-up". You can be honest without going into details.

Then offer a (cheap) alternative if you want to hang out differently.

homelesshobbit

  • 5 O'Clock Shadow
  • *
  • Posts: 80
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #36 on: March 19, 2017, 08:26:55 PM »
sell something worth $40 and go out guilt free

or sign up for a new well Fargo bank account and get the $250 bonus and use that for guilt free money when going out with friends. or any of the many checking accounts that offer bonus to sign up

just throwing out ideas.

PoutineLover

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 290
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #37 on: March 20, 2017, 08:34:57 AM »
Thanks for everyone's input. I had a nice dinner with my friends, and told them I wouldn't be joining for the concert. Another person in the group bowed out too, so I wasn't alone. They did try to convince me a little, but it wasn't too hard to say no. This is probably more of an assertiveness problem than a budget problem, but it's something I have to get used to if I'm going to cut my entertainment budget a little.

Livingthedream55

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 239
Re: How do you say no to friends
« Reply #38 on: March 20, 2017, 11:47:03 AM »
Thanks for everyone's input. I had a nice dinner with my friends, and told them I wouldn't be joining for the concert. Another person in the group bowed out too, so I wasn't alone. They did try to convince me a little, but it wasn't too hard to say no. This is probably more of an assertiveness problem than a budget problem, but it's something I have to get used to if I'm going to cut my entertainment budget a little.

How about if you start organizing this same group for a:
potluck at your house or a walk/run or a free event somewhere or a cheap event somewhere?

: 0 )