Author Topic: High net worth and income / raising children  (Read 7064 times)

Luz

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Re: High net worth and income / raising children
« Reply #50 on: November 10, 2019, 10:50:15 PM »
I just finished reading "How to Raise an Adult" by Julie Lythcott-Haims.
She posed a similar question.
"So how do we prepare middle- and upper-middle-class kids to thrive, then, to lean in to life, to persevere, when the rough edges of life have been sanded off by the very privilege we worked so hard to be able to provide for them?" ... "How can they aspire to achieve excellence and hunger for success if they've been given so much and have never hungered for much at all?"

Lythcott-Haims goes on to say: "In a rather ironic twist, poor and working-class kids, whose parents lack the financial resources, social capital, and sheer amount of time needed to engineer perfect outcomes at every turn, are sometimes fortified by their tougher life experiences and may end up much stronger than their affluent counterparts in the long run..."  (stronger in terms of drive and perseverance, though they lack the "expectation that they will succeed, the belief system that they belong in college"). She describes how the mix of drive and perseverance with the expectations of success is an unstoppable combination. But it was within the context of the addition of the expectation of success when the perseverance was already there. I wonder how a parent could add drive and perseverance to the existing expectation of success that most middle class kids already enjoy. It seems like a much harder task.


One of her answers is that it's important to let kids struggle (as in, don't intervene when they are faced with a challenge, as middle class parents are more and more apt to do). To have the expectation that they work at least in part for their keep and not just ride the wave of your success.

I think it's also important that they have perspective. That they interact with people from a variety of socioeconomic levels. And not in a service position, like volunteering at a food pantry (which is pretty embarrassing for those of us who were kids at the other end of the handout). But instead that they get to know people from lower SE positions as peers. Better yet, they spend time in a developing country to truly understand that having fresh air to breathe and clean water to drink is a privilege.

I think gratitude, as others have mentioned, is helpful in keeping that perspective.

But still, I'm not totally satisfied. It's just a bit strange to raise kids in a different socioeconomic class than what you were raised in and to realize that there are some things they just won't get for not having gone through it themselves.
 
« Last Edit: November 10, 2019, 10:51:52 PM by Luz »

savedandsaving

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Re: High net worth and income / raising children
« Reply #51 on: November 11, 2019, 12:16:42 PM »
I'm here to play devil's advocate and suggest a slightly different take: my parents really never talked about money at all, and it worked really really well. I see elements of this strategy in some of the answers above.

I didn't get an allowance, wasn't ever told I needed to get a job, never babysat or mowed lawns, my parents didn't use explanatory phrases like "can't afford it" or "that's not a priority," and I absolutely never heard words like "rich" and "poor." And yet, I never really asked for much as a kid, didn't really want for much at all, didn't worry about money ever, didn't want the homes or toys of my occasional much-richer friends, and when I hit 16, I woke up one day and told my parents "I need to go out and get a job!!" and I did just that.

Sometimes it's helpful for kids to not have anything about their relationship with you, or your relationship with others, seem trasactional. Instead, model how you want them to behave and they'll follow. (Also, keeping good company for yourselves and your kids as others have suggested is great, too...because they'll mimic their friends, not just you.)

My parents are extremely generous people. As a child and young adult, I saw them give to the church, give to charity, give to our friends, and provide endless hospitality to others. I saw my dad leave home and work hard every day and come back tired but happy, ready to ask all about my day. I ended up wanting to be like them, and I learned wordlessly early on that it's much more fun to give and work than to receive and be lazy. When I got older, I realized that I grew up in a solidly middle-class family and that I usually had little luxuries at my disposal that other kids didn't. But the desire to be generous to others remained, which is what eventually made me end up here, practicing frugality over little personal luxuries so that I can be generous to others.

Just a few thoughts. I think any good parenting strategy about money is going to involve a custom balance of being open with many things while concealing some things that are beyond a child's understanding. But my biggest recommendation is this: let your children have a childhood. They have the rest of their lives to think about money and work. Right now, they have the joy of getting to rest assured in your (modest to their eyes) provision.

nancyfrank232

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Re: High net worth and income / raising children
« Reply #52 on: November 12, 2019, 07:22:56 PM »
I'm here to play devil's advocate and suggest a slightly different take: my parents really never talked about money at all, and it worked really really well. I see elements of this strategy in some of the answers above.

I didn't get an allowance, wasn't ever told I needed to get a job, never babysat or mowed lawns, my parents didn't use explanatory phrases like "can't afford it" or "that's not a priority," and I absolutely never heard words like "rich" and "poor." And yet, I never really asked for much as a kid, didn't really want for much at all, didn't worry about money ever, didn't want the homes or toys of my occasional much-richer friends, and when I hit 16, I woke up one day and told my parents "I need to go out and get a job!!" and I did just that.

Sometimes it's helpful for kids to not have anything about their relationship with you, or your relationship with others, seem trasactional. Instead, model how you want them to behave and they'll follow. (Also, keeping good company for yourselves and your kids as others have suggested is great, too...because they'll mimic their friends, not just you.)

My parents are extremely generous people. As a child and young adult, I saw them give to the church, give to charity, give to our friends, and provide endless hospitality to others. I saw my dad leave home and work hard every day and come back tired but happy, ready to ask all about my day. I ended up wanting to be like them, and I learned wordlessly early on that it's much more fun to give and work than to receive and be lazy. When I got older, I realized that I grew up in a solidly middle-class family and that I usually had little luxuries at my disposal that other kids didn't. But the desire to be generous to others remained, which is what eventually made me end up here, practicing frugality over little personal luxuries so that I can be generous to others.

Just a few thoughts. I think any good parenting strategy about money is going to involve a custom balance of being open with many things while concealing some things that are beyond a child's understanding. But my biggest recommendation is this: let your children have a childhood. They have the rest of their lives to think about money and work. Right now, they have the joy of getting to rest assured in your (modest to their eyes) provision.

+ 1

Awesome post