Well of course there are ways this can work.
There are also ways this can crash and burn spectacularly.
The best determiner I know for the ultimate success or failure of a relationship is not the how alike the couple is, but how the couple manages their inevitable disagreements.
If you both think your views are "right," that means that by definition you think the other person's views are "wrong." And that means that you are likely either (1) believing you can convince the other of the error of their ways, or (2) planning to tolerate their wrong-ness. Neither option has any real likelihood of success.
The way things do work is if you go into things with a fundamental belief that each of your money attitudes is a response to whatever history created it, that the habit/approach serves a purpose to the person involved, and -- most critically -- that that purpose is a legitimate need. A relationship cannot succeed if it does not meet the needs of both parties -- and you cannot meet someone's needs when you do not believe, at a deep level, that that need is legitimate and worthy of your time and effort.
Note that you do not have to agree that the specific money habit is the best way to meet that need -- just that the need itself is legitimate and requires your willing and freely-given support. She seems to have a really good understanding of what drives your money habits. You need to develop that same understanding of what drives hers. Only when she truly believes that you "get" her hopes/fears/concerns will she be open to talking about different ways to meet the need that might be more productive or efficient. Otherwise, she'll just see any comments or suggestions as criticizing the need herself -- as invalidating her own experience and self-knowledge -- even when you're just trying to be helpful.
FWIW, my DH and I were very, very different about money when we married (he was the spender, I was the saver). We developed some techniques to allow us to manage our money with as little friction as possible, such as saving first and giving each of us some "fun money" each month. But the only reason this worked was because those techniques kept me in my lane -- because as long as whatever stupid stuff he bought was within the budget we set out, or came from his fun money, I had no right to criticize it.
To this day (29 years later), I do not understand why he feels like he does about some things. Like, he has explained to me that he enjoys picking up the tab at lunch, because it makes him feel like a success to do so. I really, really do not understand that at a fundamental level. But I do understand that it is important to him. And as his wife, I want him to feel successful, happy, powerful, etc. etc. So I made sure that our budget included money for him to do that. Now, sure, I grumble inside that it's just nonsensical. Then again, I'm not exactly a tower of objective logic myself, and I'm sure I have my own weirdnesses that make equally no sense to him. It works because we both prioritize the things that matter to each other, regardless of whether they actually make sense to us.
And that brings me to my last point: humility. The belief that any one way is the "right" way is fundamentally hubris, plain and simple -- it is the belief that you have somehow infallibly been able to identify a logical, objective truth, and that others who disagree are simply not as smart/logical/clearsighted/etc. as you. We are all imperfect. We are subject to confirmation bias, we have limited perspectives based on our own background; we cannot possibly know everything or see everything, and even if we could, our own imperfections would prevent us from identifying an objective "right" answer more often than not. The best advice I can give is to start every disagreement by realizing that whatever your partner has done, that action was entirely logical to her -- even (particularly) if it makes no sense to you -- and focus on figuring out why she sees that action as logical. If we want to have an ongoing relationship, our job is to learn the other's perspective, rather than dismissing anything you disagree with as proof that the other is stupid/illogical/etc. Value judgments that place your intelligence/insight/logical abilities/morals/etc. above hers will destroy your relationship faster than anything else I can think of. You need to respect her abilities enough to truly believe that her actions have a rational basis -- and you need to love her enough to put in the work to understand what that is.
