Bought a McMansion followed by immediate regret. What to do now?

[barrelomonkeys]

Don't know if I'm ready for a barrage of face punches, but here goes.

DH & I just bought a 4000+ sqft house out in the country.  DH hated the feeling of constant home improvement projects in our 1200 sqft beater in town and has been itching to move for at least a year.  I loved the neighborhood & the neighbors, the fenced-in backyard for our 4 kids, the lawn-mowing business my oldest kid started, and it being close to everything, but it's true that it was getting pretty crammed.  DH's career has really taken off, and he is an amazing dad and a big hobbyist (archery, rock climbing, hunting, etc).  He has become less Mustachian as his pay has gone up, but with the amount of money he takes in, it hasn't been a big deal.

But I woke up the first morning here with soul-crushing regret for saying yes to this.  I hoped that living here for a while would help me change my mind, but a few weeks in, it turns out I still don't like huge houses, no sidewalks, and having to drive 15 minutes to go anywhere (biking is not an option on these country roads).  It's also just not a house that's conducive to having small children, and I miss being able to bike/walk with my kids to the park, talk to my neighbors, etc.  It certainly didn't help that the seller's agent was totally incompetent and created a bunch of drama right before closing, burning any bridges that we could have made with the seller.

On the other hand, DH doesn't care about the fancy as much as the possibilities with this kind of house.  He wants to build a bouldering wall in the garage, have a foosball and a ping pong table in the basement, zipline in the backyard--essentially to make it a teenager's paradise so that the kids' friends will want to be here.  He feels terrible for pushing me so hard; whenever he wants to do something, he gets so excited/giddy and can't really stop talking about it.  I'm also a big pushover who doesn't like saying no, so now I just feel a lot of resentment that I bought this house for everyone but me (my parents also wouldn't visit because my house was too small).  I would just deal with it, but it's started to settle into a deep depression where I have a way shorter fuse with my kids now, don't feel like putting anything on the walls, etc.  I'm terrified this is going to wreak havoc on my parenting/marriage.

So...  what to do now?  The market is absolutely insane right now.  The sellers way overpriced this house (which is why it sat on the market for 6 months), but houses in town like the one we are fixing up to sell are gone within hours, so fat chance on snagging one of those anyway (it's just gotten worse year after year).  It's also financially just really stupid to move out of a house right after buying it anyway.  DH says he's willing to move after a year and take the financial hit (the other house doubled in price, so after selling it, we can pay this one off by the end of next year).

Anyone out there make a huge mistake like this?  And any advice on how to not be such a people-pleaser?
 

[utaca]

It sounds like a stressful move but I'd give it some time and keep an open mind. The property sounds lovely and maybe you'll come to enjoy it. It sounds like your spouse is being reasonable and I think he's right to ask you to wait a year.

Personally, I had sort of the opposite experience where we bought a small, inner-city fixer-upper and I almost immediately regretted it. However, we made it work and lived in the home for a few years before selling for a decent profit and moving to our current home where I hope to live for decades. I guess the moral of the story is that usually when you make a a bad choice, you have the opportunity to fix it - at least the privileged folks on this forum who generally have stable, well-paying jobs and are good with money.

[the_fixer]

I agree with giving it a while if you can and see how the change goes.

In the meantime are there some things that you are interested in trying that the property will allow you the opportunity to try while you are here?

Chickens? Growing your own food? Fainting goats?

I mean come on I giggle every time I see them tense up and go over :)

Not saying to ignore your feelings they are important but you have been through a big change and it can take a bit to sort through them.


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[ixtap]

Seek treatment for the depression first and foremost. This should include therapy, since you have a specific goal for changing something about yourself.

What do you want from a park that you don't have by being in the country?

I kind of suck at making changes for the first month or two, unless I am giddy about the move in the first place. Moving to our current condo was really tough on me, even though it is a great place and there were very specific reasons for the move. I reminded myself of the positives every day, no matter how crappy I was feeling about it. I didn't hide my feelings from my husband, but I took responsibility for convincing myself.

If you aren't ready for this size house, are there steps you can take to occupy what you feel comfortable with? A project you could envision making yourself more comfortable? A vehicle trade that makes you feel better about the driving?  Activities in the local community to replace your previous social network? Hire a cleaner once a week so that you aren't overwhelmed with that aspect of the larger house? That is, set a timeline to revisit (ie, six months if his year isn't acceptable), but in the meantime, be looking for solutions to be happy where you are.

[Laura33]

Please start with a therapist -- for the depression, sure, but primarily to deal with your inability to assert your own needs and desires.  Houses can be temporary; you are permanent.  So you can use this decision as a springboard to figure out why you cannot speak your mind, or you can let it pass and continue to repeat the mistake for the next 40+ years and find yourself living someone else's life.

The way you deal with finding yourself somewhere you don't like is by (1) giving it your absolute best effort to make a new life that makes you happy, and (2) have an express agreement with your DH that if you are not happy after X period, you will move.

Note that the first step requires you to accept that the former house is gone and forgive both your DH and yourself for the decisionmaking that led you to where you are.  It is healthy to be sad and to miss the good things; any change -- even a great one -- involves some kind of loss.  But you can't let yourself get caught up in the cycle of sadness/anger/blame/resentment that keeps you fixated on your past life.  That life is gone, period; you could sell this house tomorrow and not get your old one back.  Continuing to fixate on that former you will lead directly to rose-colored glasses about how wonderful everything was, which in turn will just continue to anchor you to "old good, new bad." 

But it is also equally important that you know your DH has your back if you ultimately decide it doesn't work.  You can't really let go of all the wonderful things you left behind in order to try to see things your DH's way if you don't completely trust your DH to back you up if your best efforts can't get you there.  When we were trapped in a place I didn't want to be (recession), I was really upset.  I finally told DH that I knew we couldn't leave now (because job), but I just needed to know that we would look to move when the job market opened up again.  He said yes without hesitation, and that allowed me to relax and really try to make the best of things for the 2 years it took to get there.

So do what you need to do to deal with your sadness and anger and work through it; then throw your energy into making your current life the best possible version you can make it; then give it a year or two and revisit the issue. 

[HPstache]

It is super common to have buyers remorse immediately after purchasing something of this magnitude.  We totally had it after buying our first house and now we absolutely love it and are so thankful we stuck with our decision.  I agree that you should give it a year (or two to potentially avoid capital gains).

[Metalcat]

I'm gonna pile on and also say you need some really good therapy.

There are A LOT of emotional red flags in your post, all of which are far more important at this moment than whatever you end up doing about this house.

[GUNDERSON]

It's true that it's wise to focus on the positive aspects of the situation you're in. But I do want to affirm that you're not at all crazy for being upset about losing walkability and bikeability and the joys of living in a community! That would bother me, too. And car culture is innately depressing.

[LD_TAndK]

I was in a similar situation a year ago. We bought a way too huge clown house and immediately woke up to heavy buyer's remorse. I'm still processing how it happened, given we were pretty frugal beforehand.
What helped for me was crunching the financials. The transaction costs would be about 60k to immediately sell and buy again, however we'd save at least 20k annually in reduced mortgage, property taxes etc if we downsized.
We're now in a new home about half the size and half the cost and are glad we made the change so far.
If my spouse wasn't in agreement with me though I think we would have had to wait.

[WSUCoug1994]

We did almost the exact same move - we moved from a city centric townhome with two kids to a large house on a large lot in the country (we are 10 minutes to town but we are on our own out here).  We clearly took for granted the walkability/bikeability of being close to everything including stores, shops, restaurants (gasp!) and other people to be honest. 

This was the most aggressive purchase we have made in our little families life.  Not only was it expensive it was a huge change and we constantly questioned if we did the right thing.  We are four years in and I would like to say we are at peace with the decision and we don't have any real remorse.  Things are just different - some things are WAY better and some things aren't.  Our kids get to climb trees, chase wild turkeys and deer all over the property, we have great privacy (which we lacked in the townhouse), we have flexibility (building an in-law unit for my parents), we have an amazing garden/fruit trees, our own playground for the kids and during the pandemic the pool and playground have been amazing.  It is a lot more work - to keep the property up - well, septic, landscaping, house maintenance, buying furniture, etc - but I couldn't imagine leaving now.  I don't bike nearly as much as I used to but we eat much healthier (we grow 50% of our food), we spend ALL of our free time outside (we basically live in park).  We get to host most of our family events which I love and my kids cousins love coming here which I hope continue with my kids friends over time.  We don't really walk to things anymore - but we walk a lot more.  We also have room to build a pandemic gym - which has dramatically improved our health over the last 12-15 months. 

The only thing I miss is strolling downtown on Saturday night picking out a restaurant and walking home.  I also miss the local taco truck (1 block away from our old place).  I don't miss the lights, noise, the pollution, the social/school pressure.  I love it here - although we had to make some tradeoffs - my wife and I couldn't imagine leaving now. 

[windytrail]

I hoped that living here for a while would help me change my mind, but a few weeks in, it turns out I still don't like huge houses, no sidewalks, and having to drive 15 minutes to go anywhere (biking is not an option on these country roads).

If you don't mind, I wanted to ask why you do not consider riding a bike on the country roads to be an option. Promise not to criticize your answers.

What are the features/dangers you are concerned about? Ex:
- Too far to get to your destination
- Speeding, drunk or distracted driving
- Low visibility
- Poor pavement condition
- Especially dangerous vehicles with large blind spots (i.e. big trucks and SUVs)
- Hills
- Sharp turns and blind corners

What kind of road modifications would improve your chances of biking on these specific roads? Ex:
- Reducing speed limits or traffic calming such as speed bumps
- Narrower vehicle lanes
- Improved visibility at night
- Bike lanes, protected/unprotected, or a separate paved bike path

[yachi]

I imagine 4 kids in 1200 square feet really was getting cramped.  We have 4 kids in 1600 square feet.  We thought we would need a new place when our youngest moved out of mom & dad's room.  Ultimately we made it work by turning a family/toy room into a larger bedroom for DD 1 and DD 2, and moving DD3 into their old room.  Does each of your kids have their own room now?
In some areas it's really hard to find houses in between 2,000 square feet and 4,000 square feet.  Newer designs like to make bathrooms huge before adding a fourth or fifth bedroom.  Do you need ideas for addressing parts of the house that aren't conducive to small children?

It sounds like you've been able to make this change with little additional cost, right?  You said when you sell your old house you'll be able to pay off your new one in a year?  That's great!  We consider a move like this every now and then, but in our area the comparison actually scales with square footage, so a larger house would cost 2x more than the one we have.

I second (third, forth?) starting therapy.  Not wanting to be a people pleaser and a "big pushover" is what I'm looking at. 

[affordablehousing]

There are plenty of good things about your situation, and I think it may just take a few efforts to make this YOUR home with art, furnishings, personalizations so you feel like you're expressed in the new house. Perhaps you can keep the old house and rent it out to keep the idea alive that you'll be able to visit or live there again in retirement when proximity again becomes more important. I felt like that when we moved, and after a while found that the neighbors, while more difficult to get to know were ust as lovely as where we used to live. I hope this helps.

[six-car-habit]

 Fix the minimal amount of things that need to be fixed on your "townhouse" to make it rentable.   Rent it out.

 Live in the new house, but hold off on doing heavy personalization that would be a tricky sell to another family.  Such as a Rock / Boulder climbing contraption taking up 1/2 of the garage....

 Invite your parents over to the new house.

  If you keep the townhouse and rent it out for a year or two, you can always move back into the old "townhouse" while keeping the original cost basis [ plus improvements].  Instead of the highly inflated cost that would need to be paid to get back into town, if you sold the former home.

 

[SunnyDays]

Yes, I was also going to say rent out your previous house for a year and if you still hate the new place, move back.

[ChpBstrd]

1) Seek treatment to see if you really have depression.
2) Discuss with DH whether more stuff is really the key to happiness, which would mean that happiness is dependent upon buying new manufactured things every day forever, and that's what it means to be human.
3) Consider posting the house for sale at $200k more than you paid. Yes, it'll sit on the market forever, but you never know. Wouldn't that be a win if you could make $150k on the deal?

My DW and I bought a 2700sf clown house when we were DINKs. I tried my best to make it work: installed high efficiency HVAC and lighting to keep the utilities down, added insulation, did all my own work. But there was nothing I could do about the property taxes, the insurance costs, or the constant cleaning/dusting it required. I was paying thousands extra per year to have empty bedrooms I didn't even enter in a given week. After our first kid was born, we downsized to a 1300 sf with *only* 2 toilets and one living room to keep clean. Even after all the costs of swapping houses again, it still shortened my time to FIRE by a year or two. Zero regrets.

After having an estate sale while I'm still alive, I've changed my attitude toward "stuff". Previously I thought I owned stuff, but now I know that stuff owns me. The nicer the stuff is, the tighter its grip on me. A big pile of nice stuff with the associated payments, maintenance, and debt will force you to work, force you to neglect relationships and your own health, get you into conflicts with others (YOU DOOR DINGED MY NEW TAHOE!), and generally takes the joy out of life. Throw in a long commute, which is the tradeoff for a "nice" big lawn, and the miserable life trifecta is complete.

[clarkfan1979]

Based on academic research small spaces are less desirable for adults than kids. If you buy the bigger house, you are doing it for yourself, not your kids. However, every situation is different.

It doesn't really seem that bad and I agree with your husband that there could be larger upside of your current home that is not achievable with more normal homes.

The quicker the decision, the higher the likelihood of regret. I would live in it for at least 2 years before making a decision to leave or stay.

[barrelomonkeys]

Thanks, everyone for the responses--particularly those who shared their experiences with this.  Some of these comments are very helpful--I really appreciate it.

The property is in woods/full shade, so no garden, unfortunately (or fainting goats haha...).  The roads around here have speed limits between 35-50 MPH with no shoulder, and there's a blind hill around the corner, so there's no way I'd put my 3yo on that.  I've seen a couple of joggers and a biker or two since we moved in, and I think that they are brave. 

DH is anxious to sell our old house in town, and not rent it out.  I'm fine with either option, actually.  I showed one couple around and they fell in love immediately.  For whatever reason, that really helped me let go.

I think the part that will be the hardest is just the clash of cultures between DH & I.  This is literally his dream house, which is why I didn't say no in the first place and would feel terrible for leaving--something that would be harder the longer we stay.  @Laura33 is right, I do suck at assertiveness, which I think comes from growing up in an extremely patriarchal family and marrying into one with a bunch of Type A's.  (In my defense, though, I've had some practice being more assertive this last year setting boundaries with my inlaws over COVID.  Good thing, too--with both family reunions they hosted last year, everyone got COVID). 

@clarkfan1979 -- do you have a link handy?  Very interested, and it intuitively makes sense to me.

I will look into therapy.  I admit I am extremely skeptical, but I realize that I am not as rational right now.  I had a pretty negative experience in the past, but I'm willing to give it another go.

[Metalcat]

A lot of people have bad experiences with therapy and then give up. That's not uncommon.

But fit is incredibly important when finding the appropriate therapist, and that responsibility is unfortunately on the patient. Don't waste your time with a therapist who can't quickly earn your trust.

Therapy is remarkably effective at addressing literally any emotional issue you might be dealing with *if* you find a compatible therapist. Without an effective "therapeutic alliance" the therapist is essentially useless. It's not a question of whether or not therapy will work for you, it *will* help you, but only if you hold it to a high standard and don't waste your time with someone who isn't able to help you.

It's the same with any medical professional. If they can't earn your profound trust, they can't do their job very effectively.

[clarkfan1979]

Thanks, everyone for the responses--particularly those who shared their experiences with this.  Some of these comments are very helpful--I really appreciate it.

The property is in woods/full shade, so no garden, unfortunately (or fainting goats haha...).  The roads around here have speed limits between 35-50 MPH with no shoulder, and there's a blind hill around the corner, so there's no way I'd put my 3yo on that.  I've seen a couple of joggers and a biker or two since we moved in, and I think that they are brave. 

DH is anxious to sell our old house in town, and not rent it out.  I'm fine with either option, actually.  I showed one couple around and they fell in love immediately.  For whatever reason, that really helped me let go.


Here is a link that talks about research from Daniel Kahneman and Dan Gilbert on regret. It passes the sniff test for me. Daniel Kahneman's book, "Thinking Fast and Slow" is a great resource. His writing style is scientific and a little boring, but the applied examples are high value. Definitely worth the read.

When it comes to small spaces, the research comes from Environmental Psychology. The studies have a theoretical house and ask kids to fill a house with people. The younger the kid, the more people they want in the house. Maybe a teenager wants their own room for privacy. However, they would be ok with a very small room. Adults want big bedrooms.

https://j-dm.org/archives/526

I think the part that will be the hardest is just the clash of cultures between DH & I.  This is literally his dream house, which is why I didn't say no in the first place and would feel terrible for leaving--something that would be harder the longer we stay.  @Laura33 is right, I do suck at assertiveness, which I think comes from growing up in an extremely patriarchal family and marrying into one with a bunch of Type A's.  (In my defense, though, I've had some practice being more assertive this last year setting boundaries with my inlaws over COVID.  Good thing, too--with both family reunions they hosted last year, everyone got COVID). 

@clarkfan1979 -- do you have a link handy?  Very interested, and it intuitively makes sense to me.

I will look into therapy.  I admit I am extremely skeptical, but I realize that I am not as rational right now.  I had a pretty negative experience in the past, but I'm willing to give it another go.

[former player]

The property is in woods/full shade, so no garden, unfortunately (or fainting goats haha...). 

This is the bit that would turn me off your house.  No sunny window to sit in on a winter's afternoon?  No sunny terrace in spring and summer?  No sunny spot for some salad crops and herbs?  Do you have enough land to cut down a tree or two on the south side of the house, or to create a sunny spot in the garden if you want to keep shade on the house?  If you look at how the shade falls throughout the day you might find that cutting down only one or two trees could make a huge difference.

If the shade doesn't bother you there's probably something else you can do to make the place feel as though it's your own.

[ender]

Do you normally feel this way around big changes? Do you work fulltime or are you home all the time? If you are home fulltime as a parent (or working from home for that matter) keep in mind that:

• Moving is super stressful even in an ideal case
• Routines changing are stressful

This doesn't guarantee everything will magically get better but if you only recently moved, you're experiencing nearly all the downsides of your new house and haven't had time to see most of the benefits.

Personally I have a history of underestimating how much stress impacts my personality, even from good things. But that's me, not you... so:

A lot of people have bad experiences with therapy and then give up. That's not uncommon.

But fit is incredibly important when finding the appropriate therapist, and that responsibility is unfortunately on the patient. Don't waste your time with a therapist who can't quickly earn your trust.

Therapy is remarkably effective at addressing literally any emotional issue you might be dealing with *if* you find a compatible therapist. Without an effective "therapeutic alliance" the therapist is essentially useless. It's not a question of whether or not therapy will work for you, it *will* help you, but only if you hold it to a high standard and don't waste your time with someone who isn't able to help you.

It's the same with any medical professional. If they can't earn your profound trust, they can't do their job very effectively.

I think if you follow this approach you will find someone who is way more competent at helping you than a bunch of driveby internet folks :-)

[Duke03]

When we built our big beautiful house 6 years ago it took us about 3 months to fully adjust. After building and living in our old house for 8 years the new one just didn't feel like home.  It was the weirdest feeling my wife and I had ever had.  The funny thing was we where so worried about our 2 yr old son and dog adjusting to the new house, but after the first night they both acted like nothing was wrong in their worlds.  My advise is just give it time.  Humans are creatures of habit and when our worlds are turned upside down it can put you in a funk for awhile.

[big_owl]

I don't see anybody mentioned this, but if you are actually clinically depressed (not just in a bad mood) then everything is about 100x harder for you than would normally be. Even tying your shoes can feel like too big a task.  You mentioned depression, so if that's the case you should probably really attack that. You will find everything in life way easier to deal with if you have depression under control.  You can also make decisions from a much better place.  Trying to make important decisions from a place of depression feels like trying to solve world hunger.