Author Topic: first date and the bill...  (Read 58366 times)

FuckRx

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first date and the bill...
« on: April 26, 2014, 12:35:42 PM »

how do the single folks here do it. let's say u ask someone out on a date either for drinks/bfast/coffee. do you discuss ahead of time to split the bill? what do you do when the bill comes and the other person is casually letting you go for it without reaching for the bill. now i know my handle name says FuckRx but i'm actually very nice/kind/gentleman etc. so of course if the woman i'm with doesn't offer i will pick up the tab. but what are some tricks, what do ya'll do?

arebelspy

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2014, 12:43:02 PM »
It depends on both people.  I would reach for the bill personally, and then if she insisted I'd be fine splitting it.  But again, it depends, do whatever makes you feel comfortable. :)
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FuckRx

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2014, 12:46:24 PM »

I guess I'm asking how do you get her to split the bill. I mean she didn't even offer. Granted there is probably a selection bias on my part but most dates I go on I rarely see the woman offering to pay.

Mr. Frugalwoods

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2014, 12:46:50 PM »
If the other person doesn't offer to split it, maybe I'd take that into account when considering if there should be a second date...

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2014, 12:47:20 PM »
Call me old fashioned, but for a first date or first few dates, I think whoever is asking for the date should pay (male or female). But if a lady asks a dude out, and lady just sits there and waits for dude to pay, well, you could either pay it, or discuss it, or just take that tidbit of information for what it is. It's tricky to negotiate, but I don't think it should be made into an "issue" the first few dates. Unless you have a thing for brutal honesty.

mxt0133

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2014, 12:47:25 PM »
If you ask a woman out on a date it is implied that you will be paying, it is something that is expected mostly by both parties.  Unless the woman offers to pay for herself then you will be paying or let her know ahead of time if you can go Dutch.

There are ways to minimize the expense of the date, go for a walk in the part, free concert, coffee, ect.  I know I have set a bad precedent when I started dating, if I took someone out to a fancy dinner and movie then the bar is set.  After a while I started asking them to go for drinks, coffee, walk in the park.

frugalmom

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2014, 12:52:20 PM »

how do the single folks here do it. let's say u ask someone out on a date either for drinks/bfast/coffee. do you discuss ahead of time to split the bill? what do you do when the bill comes and the other person is casually letting you go for it without reaching for the bill. now i know my handle name says FuckRx but i'm actually very nice/kind/gentleman etc. so of course if the woman i'm with doesn't offer i will pick up the tab. but what are some tricks, what do ya'll do?

I am married, but I think this goes beyond "dating".  If I ask someone to go out I am fully prepared to pay the bill.   If they ask me I am prepared to pay my half.  Now friends you see all the time, they know we each pay our share.  Also expense account friends, know they always pay...so I can learn about their business opportunity (I'll swap them some swag later).

Your going to go on a lot of FIRST dates if you ask people out and then try and get them to pay half.  Your other option is to take them on a first date that is not a restaurant.  You could do a picnic in the park (yes you'd still have to buy food but the margin cost is limited) it would make you seem romantic.


Cwadda

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2014, 12:53:16 PM »
I always reach first. I feel like younger people 30 and under would have the man pay. But for older people 31+ it would be very comfortable to split it. If someone invites me to dinner, I expect them to pay for it and then I ALWAYS offer to leave the tip.

Also, I can relate to your handle name...lol. I was going to apply to my University's Pharmacy School but I despised every single part of the pharmacy program.

FuckRx

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2014, 12:53:45 PM »

i think for future i'll choose a less costly option like the walking that was suggested. and it probably shouldn't be as big of an issue as i make it. i should learn to just embrace it.
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MicroRN

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2014, 01:01:45 PM »
Haven't dated in a while, but whoever does the asking should do the paying.  On the other hand, the date should always offer to split the bill.  I've always offered, though no one has ever taken me up on it.  Actually, I usually just got as far as reaching for my purse before the guy would make it clear that he planned to pay.  I don't think there's any polite way to say "Hey, pay your half!"  I'd just file it away as some info about that person, and not go out with them again.  Probably a good idea to keep those first dates low-key (coffee or similar), so if you get stuck with the bill it's not an issue.  Two fancy coffees and pastries are way cheaper than a dinner out.  Even better, a picnic or nice meal at home should both be very well received and much less expensive.

I dated a guy for a bit who was a phenomenal cook and we never went out to eat.  He would whip up a fabulous gourmet meal at home and we'd watch a movie on the couch.  I was always more impressed by the effort that he was willing to put in than I would have been by money anyway. 

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2014, 01:05:01 PM »
I don't think you "get" her to pay the bill, especially if you did the inviting.  If she chooses not to offer, and it was important to you that she pay half, I think you take that as a sign of incompatibility.

I always offered to pay half, but if the guy declined, I didn't push it.  But that says something about me and my values and what guys could expect from me.  This woman has shown you that her values aren't in line with yours.   

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #11 on: April 26, 2014, 01:06:25 PM »
Whenever I go out on dates, I always at least offer to pay my share. If my date insists on paying (and I like him enough to go on another date!) then I let him know that the next meal/date is on me.

Other than mxt0133's suggestion of minimizing expenses on the first few dates, I don't know if there's a good way to discuss the bill ahead of time.

Maybe try internet dating and specify in your profile that you're looking for someone good with finances?  Maybe that will weed out some of the bad candidates. 


Zikoris

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #12 on: April 26, 2014, 01:16:59 PM »
Ask the waitress for it to be on separate bills before you order. If there are any issues, you can resolve them at that point rather than at the end when you have a big bill and someone conveniently forgot their wallet.

I would be pissed off if someone expected me to pay for them, whether it be food, a show, or anything.

ReverendRN

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #13 on: April 26, 2014, 01:31:13 PM »
+1 for whoever does the asking does the paying.

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #14 on: April 26, 2014, 01:49:32 PM »
When out to dinner with a new guy, I would always offer to pay my half. This was invariably turned down. I would then say, "Well, at least let me leave the tip." That was always turned down, too. I loved the pampering, but made sure to hold up my end by cooking the next dinner at my house, or taking him over some baked goods I had made…something like that. My husband-to-be (although I didn't realize yet that he was going to be The One) was very old-school, and it was hard to treat him to anything…but he liked a home-cooked meal. So I usually did that. It is an art to pay your way without looking like a crazed feminist or something. I always had a dollar in my pocket--probably at times more than the guy I was going out with--but tried to find subtle, tactful ways to contribute financially to the dating relationship without taking away the guy's…what is the right word…dignity, maybe. I love it that a guy wants to take care of me, but I am the kind that is going to take care of him, too.

Must_Stash

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #15 on: April 26, 2014, 06:01:17 PM »
This is something that has often frustrated me.  It's not easy, and it could be.  But most people don't talk easily about money issues from little expenses to big ones, from first date to deep into marriage!

I used to insist on paying half.  It turns out that being insistent about anything on a first date can trouble the waters.  So if you're enjoying the company a lot, wait on these discussions, be easygoing. 

Remember you don't know the other person well yet, and they don't know you.  People may read a lot into the dutch thing.  Some guys fear that a woman offers to pay half as a test of the man's intentions (does he sincerely want to treat her?).  Or maybe she's preempting a second date by pushing things in a platonic direction.   

I ask to pay my half because it shows I'm prepared to be an equal partner in all things.  And it just feels decent to me.  However, if someone is trying to do a special thing for me, by treating me to an experience I wouldn't have given myself... then I'm rude if I push back on that.   You don't insist on paying half for a gift or when receiving flowers, and sometimes dinner is "gifted" in the same spirit. 

If you ask someone out, they may not be prepared for the expense (budgets!).  However, they may value the chance to spend time with you, and wish to accept.  Therefore, it is both natural and convention that you pay, and most people have the social skills to sense this.  That puts it on the invitee to set a pattern by offering to go dutch or by keeping quiet.  As others have said, then you know and then you factor it into your decision.

Editted to add that "tricks" are not particularly nice or genteel, LOL.  So avoid those!
« Last Edit: April 26, 2014, 06:05:57 PM by Must_Stash »

ch12

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #16 on: April 26, 2014, 06:43:55 PM »
The lady always has to offer to pay. Whether or not the gentleman accepts is up to him.

You can't induce someone to offer to pay, but you can hint that you are pro-equality. :)

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #17 on: April 26, 2014, 07:09:18 PM »
As a female, I always try to pay my own way. It does kind of annoy me when the guy pays the bill without at least doing the 'Oh let me pay' dance.

I always offered to pay half, but if the guy declined, I didn't push it.   
This is pretty much how most of my first dates go.

SnackDog

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #18 on: April 26, 2014, 07:31:13 PM »
Depends on how you feel about her at that stage.  If you are pretty much over her, offer to split.  If you like your odds and think having her "owe" you could work out ok, order dessert!

chucklesmcgee

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #19 on: April 26, 2014, 07:45:25 PM »
If I've asked someone out, I'd always pay. If it's an especially nice restaurant, I'd announce it when she's looking at the menu so she doesn't feel too constrained. Otherwise I'd just grab the check later.

CarDude

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #20 on: April 26, 2014, 08:24:43 PM »
+1 for whoever does the asking does the paying.

This sounds like the best idea to me too.

BlueHouse

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #21 on: April 26, 2014, 08:30:42 PM »
+1 for whoever does the asking does the paying.

This sounds like the best idea to me too.
Yep.  On a first date, I always reach for my purse as if I'm going to offer to pay something, but if the guy actually let me pay, that would be our last date.  You ask, you pay.

HappierAtHome

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #22 on: April 26, 2014, 08:42:17 PM »
Another vote for whoever asks, pays.

I really had to force the issue with the BF when we were first dating. He asked me out for the first date, so I didn't offer to pay, just thanked him. Which suited him fine. When it was time for the second date, I made sure that I asked him out, I suggested the plans, I picked him up at his door and brought him a small gift of baked goods... Basically I was "the guy", which he was fine with until it became clear that I was paying. That upset him because he felt that crossed some invisible gender line.

So... Cut your dates some slack with this stuff. Some gender norms are engrained and take time to change.

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #23 on: April 26, 2014, 09:09:29 PM »
Another vote for whoever asks, pays.

I really had to force the issue with the BF when we were first dating. He asked me out for the first date, so I didn't offer to pay, just thanked him. Which suited him fine. When it was time for the second date, I made sure that I asked him out, I suggested the plans, I picked him up at his door and brought him a small gift of baked goods... Basically I was "the guy", which he was fine with until it became clear that I was paying. That upset him because he felt that crossed some invisible gender line.

So... Cut your dates some slack with this stuff. Some gender norms are engrained and take time to change.

+1  whoever asks, pays sounds reasonable to me and I am very middle-aged. 

I don't think the first date is a big deal about who pays or not.  It is what happens in the next few dates that I would be looking at very carefully.  I think I already posted about this in your journal RX but if whoever you are dating expects you to pick up all the expenses, run.  Just doesn't seem fair to me at all. 

scrubbyfish

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #24 on: April 26, 2014, 09:42:55 PM »
Edited to add: I'm a 42 year old female.

I try to address this before the date, partly because I get horribly anxious about what we're both supposed to do at paying time! I love to get this off the table before the date begins.

So, I suggest a free activity (walk around town, etc) or something cheap like tea.

If I intend to pay or help pay, I say so ahead of time, like, "I would love to treat you to a tea." Or, "Can I buy you a drink?"

If the other is inviting, and has not made it clear if they are paying, I have sometimes said, "I'm on a limited budget; would you be open to a walk?" Or, "I would love our first dinner to be free of anxiety/awkwardness. Can I propose right now that we split the bill?"

After we've gotten to know each other, even several years in, I say things like, "May I treat you to dinner at...?" Or, "I would love if you would treat me to a nice dinner out. Would you?"

I like my anxiety-free system :)
« Last Edit: April 26, 2014, 09:47:49 PM by scrubbyfish »

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #25 on: April 26, 2014, 10:13:42 PM »
I generally casually pay, without saying anything about it either way - like she is reaching in her wallet, but I already gave them the entire amount.

When she objects (which is usually) I suggest she pay next time, which both makes it egalitarian and gives an excuse for a second date.

Zikoris

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #26 on: April 26, 2014, 11:39:17 PM »
Quote
Yep.  On a first date, I always reach for my purse as if I'm going to offer to pay something, but if the guy actually let me pay, that would be our last date.  You ask, you pay

Getting right into the childish head games on the first date? Why not just be honest and tell them from the start that you feel entitled to free meals/drinks/shows/whatever in exchange for your company? Let them make a decision if this is the type of person they want to date BEFORE sticking them with a big bill.

ljp555

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #27 on: April 27, 2014, 12:41:56 AM »
I usually offer to pay but the guy picks up the check. On a second date I'm be more insistent on paying, and over the course of a relationship, I expect to take turns/split things equally.  It would reflect poorly on a guy who wanted to split the check not because I want free drinks, but because it is outside societal norms. It would feel like he wasn't invested in the date, like it wasn't a serious date. Much more romantic and projects a better image for the guy to take care of the bill on a first date (even a few dollars for coffee).

I agree that this isn't fair for men. Still, asking the woman to split the bill will look bad to many women. It will look much better to go on an inexpensive date where you can afford to pay for both rather than asking to split the bill.

Kaminoge

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #28 on: April 27, 2014, 01:27:27 AM »
Quote
Whenever I go out on dates, I always at least offer to pay my share. If my date insists on paying (and I like him enough to go on another date!) then I let him know that the next meal/date is on me.

The less likely I think there is to be a second date the harder I will try to make sure I contribute my share on the first one. But once I've made a serious attempt at offering then I don't push it further. Ending a date with an argument about money is not classy. And at my age (40) I would expect that anyone I was dating would be able to afford the meal without it breaking the bank for them if they were pushing to pay.

Usually first dates have not been overly expensive. I did however have one date where he really wanted to take me to this very expensive place in Tokyo. I knew from looking at the website that the meal was going to be a couple of hundred dollars. So I told him upfront that usually I like to split the bill on a first date but what you are suggesting is way outside my budget. I'm really happy to go somewhere much simpler. He made it clear that he was expecting to pay for everything and really wanted to treat me. I was fine with that. His call.



plantingourpennies

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #29 on: April 27, 2014, 02:32:10 AM »
Remember you don't know the other person well yet, and they don't know you.  People may read a lot into the dutch thing.  Some guys fear that a woman offers to pay half as a test of the man's intentions (does he sincerely want to treat her?).  Or maybe she's preempting a second date by pushing things in a platonic direction.   

Mrs PoP here.  I've always offered to pay half, but if I knew I didn't want a second date, I INSISTED upon it.  I never wanted any guy thinking I "owed" him anything!  If I liked him, I didn't worry much about it.  I knew that I'd get the next one, or the third date, and things would balance out eventually. 

onehappypanda

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #30 on: April 27, 2014, 05:58:29 AM »
I always hated figuring out the "who pays" question. There's not really a non-awkward way to negotiate it, and some people have some really loaded opinions about what it means if you do or don't offer to pay.

My solution, when I was still dating, was to insist on coffee shops for first dates. They're cheap so the "who pays" question is a lot less loaded, the check doesn't come at the end, and if the date isn't going well you can end it swiftly without waiting for food. By the end of a coffee date, I'd usually know if I wanted to invest enough time/money into someone to go on a "real" date. I also did the bar thing since it's a similar setup but with beer, but that came with the risk of my date getting wasted and needing babysitting all night. That happened exactly once, after which I stuck with coffee shops for the first date :)

totoro

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #31 on: April 27, 2014, 06:45:57 AM »
I'm in the camp of the person who asks pays if it is a date.  However, I've never asked a man out.  Probably fairly common.

If I go out with friends I often will pay, or try to anyway, because I like to.  I value my friends and I have enough money to do it.  If they always accepted I would eventually notice I guess.  That has never happened.

When I was dating there would have been no second date if the fellow did not insist on paying on the first date.  Absolutely nothing to do with money for me.  It was about demonstrating good manners and social skills.  Is it sexist?  I don't care if it is, I didn't want to date someone who cared more about splitting a cheque than investing in a relationship.  The only time I would try to pay was if I didn't want to see someone again.

Dating is an investment in your future if you are looking for a long-term relationship.  Appearing overly focussed on money rather than expressing generosity and care is off-putting for many women.  If you get along and want to continue jt would be a big warning flag imo if the woman did not try to reciprocate by taking turns paying later on.

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #32 on: April 27, 2014, 08:47:19 AM »
I enjoy reading advice columns and the question you are asking pops up pretty frequently. Most advice columnists are firmly in the person-asking-for-the-date pays camp. I dated for many years before I met my husband and from my standpoint it can be very awkward to have a man paying for you if you aren't sure how you feel about him. I work with a lot of single women and I hear them echo this sentiment, especially because some guys will throw this back in their faces if things don't work out. I think it would be reasonable to have a dating order of events that you feel comfortable with. It could go something like, first date=free activity like hiking or walking, second date=something inexpensive like coffee or happy hour, third date=dinner or other activity. One thing I hear single women complain about is being asked on a date and then the guy has no plan whatsoever. If you have a plan you will be so far ahead of the curve! You might also keep an eye out for activities on daily deal sites to find cheap date ideas. Look around your area to find interesting low cost ideas date ideas and keep a file.

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #33 on: April 27, 2014, 09:01:53 AM »
I agree that if you ask someone out you should be prepared to pay. Usually the person asking selects the date venue so it shouldn't be a financial problem. If you don't want to pay for your date, choose a free activity.

BlueHouse

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #34 on: April 27, 2014, 09:14:46 AM »
Quote
Yep.  On a first date, I always reach for my purse as if I'm going to offer to pay something, but if the guy actually let me pay, that would be our last date.  You ask, you pay

Getting right into the childish head games on the first date? Why not just be honest and tell them from the start that you feel entitled to free meals/drinks/shows/whatever in exchange for your company? Let them make a decision if this is the type of person they want to date BEFORE sticking them with a big bill.
Can't really defend it other than to say it's the etiquette and custom that I learned and still live by.  I still expect an invitation to be honored.  If I had asked, I'd pay.  I realize that the younger generation may be more comfortable changing etiquette standards that have been in place for my entire life, and good for you too that you can talk about it ahead of time to straighten out expectations.  I just don't roll that way -- and don't worry, I likely wouldn't date anyone so much younger than me, so you have little likelihood of encountering me.  I've also never dated anyone that earned substantially less than me, so maybe that's a consideration too.  Perhaps if I did, I would think differently. 

KulshanGirl

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #35 on: April 27, 2014, 09:38:29 AM »
I have been out on a couple of first dates lately.  I am always prepared to pay my own bill and I'm happy to do that, but it sure makes my day when my date does.  One was a coffee date, and the other was drinks plus a shared appetizer.  I think for first dates, everyone should be prepared to pay their way, but it's good manners for the asker to pay.  It's nice to be treated, if you are a guy or a girl.  Sometimes just in the course of a good conversation, you can tell who would benefit from being treated just then.  And sometimes you're in a good place to treat someone.     

Lucky for me, and guys around here, there is no shortage of free things to do, cozy little coffee shops and places to drink that don't cost a fortune.  Love my town!

« Last Edit: April 27, 2014, 09:41:13 AM by KulshanGirl »

daymare

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #36 on: April 27, 2014, 09:51:28 AM »
If you did the asking out, be prepared to pay for the full date (so pick the place/price point accordingly).  Take your CC out to pay for the entire meal, say 'dinner's on me'.  Next comes a weird social maneuver/mind game wherein your date will often say 'Are you sure?  I'd be happy to split', and may or may not mean in.  I'd say the safest move, in that case, is to rebut with something along the lines of 'thanks for the offer, but I'd like to treat you', at which point the person will generally thank you and let you pay.  If, on the other hand, they really meant the offer, possibly in conjunction with not being into you or really wanting to avoid the feeling of being obligated to you because you paid for the meal, they'll say 'I'd actually feel more comfortable for splitting, but thanks for the generous offer'.  Then you split the bill.

I will say that on my first date with my fiance (we were in college - went to a cheap local Chinese restaurant, the total bill could not have been more than $15), I insisted that we split the bill even though he had asked me out.  And clearly I like him a whole lot now, enough to marry him.  I would have been really unimpressed if he hadn't graciously taken me up on said suggestion to split after I insisted on it (making clear it wasn't just a polite offer).  I would have found that really disrespectful - a gentleman offers to pay for a date if he did the asking out, but also should be willing to split the bill if the lady prefers it that way.

iwasjustwondering

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #37 on: April 27, 2014, 09:54:49 AM »

Yep.  On a first date, I always reach for my purse as if I'm going to offer to pay something, but if the guy actually let me pay, that would be our last date.  You ask, you pay.

I totally agree.  I have been dating my bf for a year, but before meeting him, I would offer to pay on first dates, and generally the guy would refuse the offer.  I think it's kind of gross for a man to ask a woman out, and then want to split the $15.00 drinks bill or whatever.  I also wouldn't want a guy to come up with some elaborate dinner out date for a first date.  Too much. 

On my first date with my bf, we met in a bar and he paid.  Then we were getting along so well that we sat down and had appetizers.  He paid.  Then we went for a long walk and ended up at another bar for another drink (we just didn't want the date to end).  I think I paid for those second drinks.  Not sure.  But now, he tends to stay at my house a lot, so I cook for him at my house, while he tends to pay more often (although not all the time) when we go out.  I think/hope it all evens out in the end. 

iwasjustwondering

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #38 on: April 27, 2014, 09:59:49 AM »
I generally casually pay, without saying anything about it either way - like she is reaching in her wallet, but I already gave them the entire amount.

When she objects (which is usually) I suggest she pay next time, which both makes it egalitarian and gives an excuse for a second date.

Sounds perfect. 

MarciaB

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #39 on: April 27, 2014, 10:38:38 AM »
This to me is one of those questions where you try to avoid the situation in the first place. So, I'm all for the suggestions of taking a walk, or bringing a picnic, or attending a free event of some kind...smart strategy. Removes the discomfort/unknown/awkwardness from the start. This makes the date all about getting to know (and hopefully enjoying) someone - it's about time. Not money/spending/things.

And then if you like the other person enough to invest more time, you can be proactive about inviting (with the implication of paying) and/or accepting an invitation (with the understanding you're the guest time time around). Sexist to say so, but generally this goes much more smoothly if it's the man who invites and the woman who accepts.

MrsPete

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #40 on: April 27, 2014, 12:55:54 PM »
+1 for whoever does the asking does the paying.

This sounds like the best idea to me too.
Yep.  On a first date, I always reach for my purse as if I'm going to offer to pay something, but if the guy actually let me pay, that would be our last date.  You ask, you pay.
I haven't dated in a long, long time, but I concur.  If you begin dating regularly, then it'd change . . . but for a first date, if a guy asks you out, it's the gentlemanly thing. 

Weyfarere

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #41 on: April 27, 2014, 03:53:55 PM »
+1 for whoever does the asking does the paying.

This sounds like the best idea to me too.
Agreed. Bonus points if whoever does the asking makes it clear up front that they'd like to pay, so the askee doesn't have to wonder whether to get out payment.

As others have said, if the relationship is new enough that dealing with a dinner bill would be awkward, go for a walk/coffee/other inexpensive activity.

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #42 on: April 27, 2014, 03:59:36 PM »
+1 for whoever does the asking does the paying.

This sounds like the best idea to me too.
Yep.  On a first date, I always reach for my purse as if I'm going to offer to pay something, but if the guy actually let me pay, that would be our last date.  You ask, you pay.
I haven't dated in a long, long time, but I concur.  If you begin dating regularly, then it'd change . . . but for a first date, if a guy asks you out, it's the gentlemanly thing.

Except, why is it assumed that the guy always does the asking?

totoro

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #43 on: April 27, 2014, 04:08:54 PM »
I don't assume that, but I have never asked a fellow out myself.   This is social norm stuff which might not be your social group at all. 

I never would have asked a man out myself.  I didn't grow up with it and I am pretty shy.   If I was a man I would have had to overcome it.  I recognize there is a gender difference/inequity here but I actually enjoy this one.  I like gentlemanly behaviour.

Now, before you get your knickers in a knot I will disclose that I make twice what my husband does and I will pay for more of our retirement. I still like that he opens the door for me and carries the heavy things.   I think he likes it too and the fact of the matter is that he is much stronger than me.

CommonCents

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #44 on: April 27, 2014, 04:19:57 PM »
+1 for whoever does the asking does the paying.

This sounds like the best idea to me too.
Yep.  On a first date, I always reach for my purse as if I'm going to offer to pay something, but if the guy actually let me pay, that would be our last date.  You ask, you pay.
I haven't dated in a long, long time, but I concur.  If you begin dating regularly, then it'd change . . . but for a first date, if a guy asks you out, it's the gentlemanly thing.

Except, why is it assumed that the guy always does the asking?

Actually it wasn't, the first two of the four comments were gender neutral.  The latter two weren't, but I chalk that up more to their perspective (sounds female, and answering question asked by male poster, of what would happen regarding a male inviter).  I don't see anything sinister gender-wise on assumptions here.

+1 to the above though.  The one who asks pays on a first date.  Courtesy for the guest to offer, but the asker to turn down.  After the first date though it ought to even out. 

With my husband, he paid date one (although I got us desert afterwards).  I insisted on paying for our second date.  Third was free due to a sailing membership I had.  After that...well, given that was Thurs, Sat and Sun in one week, it's pretty safe to say we went steady immediately and didn't really pay attention to who paid thereafter.  :)

JustTrying

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #45 on: April 27, 2014, 04:37:03 PM »
I thought this topic was so interesting that I registered for an account just to respond! I agree that whoever does the asking does the paying! I'm married now, but I agree with Mrs. PoP that when I was dating, insisting on paying my half was intended to imply that I did not want another date. (Additionally, him insisting that I pay my half for our first date when he had asked me out was a way to insure that he did not get another date). I always HATED going dutch - I'd rather pay the whole bill than half, splitting the bill felt very friend-ish and was not a good sign for a romantic relationship. Certainly in our society, we still have different expectations on gender, and for the most part when I was dating (I'm female), I paid less frequently than the men did. That worked out fine for me and for most of the men that I dated, but there are certainly couples who have different expectations...figuring that out at the beginning can be tough though! I would agree that it may be best to try for low-cost dates! Good luck!

happyfeet

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #46 on: April 27, 2014, 04:50:20 PM »
First date and you ask her out then you should pay.

A better indicator is if she always expects you to pay for movies, coffee, a coke out, dinner and she nevers offers to pay for anything.   Or, never offers to fix you something herself.  Because of your profession you are probably expected to pay because you are presumed "rich" and you "can afford it". 
Run from takers.  You know the type.

Been married 30 years and 55 years old.
Just my old fashioned take

« Last Edit: April 27, 2014, 05:34:16 PM by happyfeet »

tmac

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #47 on: April 27, 2014, 05:07:12 PM »
I've been the asker and the askee. I expect that the asker pays, but the askee should offer to pay the tip, buy dessert, or get it next time. I had a very wealthy BF in college. We alternated planning dates because I didn't want to be treated every time. He always took us to expensive restaurants, and paid. I planned inexpensive stuff, and paid.

The first date I had with DH, he bought the hot dogs; I bought the beer. Match made in heaven.

Zikoris

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #48 on: April 27, 2014, 05:29:57 PM »
I have a funny feeling most of the "whoever asks, pays" crowd have either never or rarely asked someone out. Convenient. Entitled, but convenient.

Davids

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Re: first date and the bill...
« Reply #49 on: April 27, 2014, 05:31:20 PM »
Man should always pay for the first date but it is nice if the woman offers to split but man should always pay for first date.