Author Topic: Does it ever seem useless?  (Read 18730 times)

Supertaster

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #50 on: September 07, 2015, 08:03:45 PM »
I just moved to Lexington a week ago.  I want to explore the whole city and surrounding areas.  I'm not sure how much free time I'll actually have.  I will be focusing on school and work and I tend to get involved in community stuff.

That getting involved with community stuff tends to be what makes my life fulfilling.

It takes a lot more guts to be happy alone than it does to be surrounded by people. 

(or something)

I went out to the farmers market on Saturday and noticed that I was the only person there alone.  Odd feeling. I'm used to being in a small community where I know everyone, so even going to a farmers market I would know several people and bump into some friends.  Not so here.  I do know that personally  I need that alone time in order to enjoy time with people.

Do you go to the farmers market?  We should bump into each other there.

I've never been. As one of the few people on this site that's still clinging to his car, I've almost always avoided downtown. I could give it a try, but I might be an anxious wreck by the time I get there.

Just go.  Pick a day and time and meet.  This is the easiest pitch possible that's been lobbed at you. PMG already knows you feel like an anxious, awkward weirdo, so will cut you a ton of slack.  PMG wouldn't have offered to meet unless prepared to deal with that (and wanting to help you!) It's not a high-pressure date, you are going to meet a new Mustachian buddy and can talk about how to be frugal in Lexington and local stuff there is to do.  You've lived there a while, share what you know.

I don't mind meeting up, I'm just mentioning that I'm not familiar with it. Worse comes to worse I'll just park at Rupp Arena and wander around until I see vegetables.

pbkmaine

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #51 on: September 07, 2015, 08:06:29 PM »
Sounds good. Now you need a time and place. PMG, what say you?

reddityeah

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #52 on: September 07, 2015, 08:15:54 PM »


Comedy definitely helps. I used to be really into it back in college, but apart from Patton Oswalt and Paul F. Tompkins I've sort of drifted away from it. Maybe I should find out who some of the new guys are.
[/quote]

Bill burr and louis ck are my fav two at the moment

JRA64

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #53 on: September 07, 2015, 08:25:46 PM »
I need to be up early so I'm signing off. Here's a start on your gratitude list for the day:

1. You took a risk and posted on this site. That takes courage.
2. Something like 20, 30 people took the time to write back with words of encouragement and hope to say they care.
3. You have an invitation to meet a fellow mustachian who lives in Lexington.

You take it from here.

FLA

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #54 on: September 07, 2015, 08:27:54 PM »
I hate therapists too. They all have their own mainstream agenda that I'm not interested in.
Depression is a thought disorder. I started doing cognitive behavioral therapy. I read the book "Feeling Good, the new mood therapy" which was the break through I needed.

I like that book, as well. Depression is a mood disorder technically. Not a disorder caused by your thoughts. There have been many studies of CBT alone, meds alone or both together. Patients did best with both but after adequate treatment and feeling less depressed, then they did well with CBT alone.

I don't want to beat a dead horse but I hope you tell a medical professional how you are feeling, you do not have to live this way.  And if you have not been assessed or screened in years, forget whatever they thought you had then. Start over, if you can find a shrink who does meds and CBT that's great, one stop shopping. But that happens less and less.  Usually you get a therapist and then can see a shrink for quickie med checks every so often. 

I apologize, I think I got your gender wrong, sorry!  Please think about what has been said in this thread.

FLA

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #55 on: September 07, 2015, 08:33:36 PM »

 but apart from Patton Oswalt and Paul F. Tompkins I've sort of drifted away from it. Maybe I should find out who some of the new guys are.

Bill burr and louis ck are my fav two at the moment

are you my brother?  who am I kidding, he would never be trying to save money. Seriously, I love those guys.  Please post a thread if you find any new greats. 






[/quote]

FLA

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #56 on: September 07, 2015, 08:35:53 PM »
I need to be up early so I'm signing off. Here's a start on your gratitude list for the day:

1. You took a risk and posted on this site. That takes courage.
2. Something like 20, 30 people took the time to write back with words of encouragement and hope to say they care.
3. You have an invitation to meet a fellow mustachian who lives in Lexington.

You take it from here.

this is the post of the day!

Supertaster

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #57 on: September 07, 2015, 08:54:31 PM »
I hate therapists too. They all have their own mainstream agenda that I'm not interested in.
Depression is a thought disorder. I started doing cognitive behavioral therapy. I read the book "Feeling Good, the new mood therapy" which was the break through I needed.

I like that book, as well. Depression is a mood disorder technically. Not a disorder caused by your thoughts. There have been many studies of CBT alone, meds alone or both together. Patients did best with both but after adequate treatment and feeling less depressed, then they did well with CBT alone.

I don't want to beat a dead horse but I hope you tell a medical professional how you are feeling, you do not have to live this way.  And if you have not been assessed or screened in years, forget whatever they thought you had then. Start over, if you can find a shrink who does meds and CBT that's great, one stop shopping. But that happens less and less.  Usually you get a therapist and then can see a shrink for quickie med checks every so often. 

I apologize, I think I got your gender wrong, sorry!  Please think about what has been said in this thread.

Maybe I'll look into it. Admittedly the last time I tried using a therapist was about 8 years ago (in Rowan County, which I'm sure you're all acquainted with given the national news). Perhaps there's somebody in Lexington that isn't just punching a timecard.

I'll usually have some amount of money budgeted for the year for personal improvement (this year it was for personal training, just as an aside: never do that) so some of that could be allocated in that direction.

The_path_less_taken

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #58 on: September 07, 2015, 09:43:25 PM »
First off, in my opinion, you are FINE. You just aren't willing to accept that.

You're not married. Ok....so? It beats being in a miserable marriage.

There aren't enough people currently in your life. But this is SO easily changeable. Seriously: in two pages you've managed to have a Farmers Market meet-up: which is serious progress.

I agree if you're only home/awake 3 hours a day and have no back yard, a dog is not for you. HOWEVER, every single place on the planet has animal rescue organizations....even animal shelters run by the city...and they are always looking for volunteers. You could probably sign up tomorrow and take a dog hiking with you the next day/weekend. And there is nothing that knows how to enjoy life, and can help you share that, as a dog....simple stuff like catching a ball and rolling around in the grass...just being around a lifeform that has such easy access to joy will rub off.

I have a boxer that, when she's pissed off, looks like the black dragon in "How to Train Your Dragon". For real. Her little black mask and the shape of her head....from the side when she pouts....it just makes me laugh like a loon. Which pissed her off, she frowns harder, and looks more like the cartoon....so I laugh harder.

I guarantee you will feel better about yourself, and your life, if you add dogs into it somehow.

There is SO much free comedy online. Not sure if you still have cable but there's a little person comic (pretty sure his name is Brad Williams) but he's got an HBO special called "Fun Size"....it made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt the next day. I'm also enjoying Captain Jon Luc Picard (Patrick Steward) in "Blunt Talk". If you look for comedy, trust me: you will find it.

Bottom line....and keep in mind I am very much not a shrink....this almost sounds like a self esteem issue rather than depression. It's like you're afraid nobody wants to play with you. And I'm sure you're wrong.

Take a leap of faith. Do something/go somewhere where you know no one and don't know the activity: ice skating, archery, bowling, square dancing...really doesn't matter.

And....and this is a big one....ask for help. Just say to the group, "um, I'm trying to learn new stuff: could anyone please take a few minutes to show me how this goes?"

Then report back, ok?

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

lr

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #59 on: September 07, 2015, 09:53:53 PM »
Supertaster, you don't seem to like yourself, so it does seem weird to hoard hundreds of thousands of dollars just to spend more time with someone you dislike.

On the other hand, a person's value doesn't come from what they think of themselves. It comes from what they do for others in the time they've been given, especially when it's awkward and uncomfortable and terrifying. That kind of courageous person is absolutely worth hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend more time around, and everyone else knows it, too.

Maybe what's missing is your mission, not your savings?

Goldielocks

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #60 on: September 08, 2015, 12:25:28 AM »
I've been more or less lurking here for a couple of years now and I've got most of the things I can control in order. My debts are cleaned up. My job pays relatively well. Everything has been budgeted. My investments are maximized and reasonably allocated. According to my endless calculations I should be ready to retire in ten years or so. But sometimes I don't even see the point.

I'm alone. I'm miserable. Work has slowed down and isn't quite the welcome distraction it once was. And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to change or improve anything else. I don't really know if I can make it for another ten years with this mindset.

Ok, so.... find a new job?  I need a change every 2-5 years, at a minimum.  Sometimes I change within my company, sometimes I leave.

You could also take more school, start an adventure, start a business, join a new social club, learn to race cars, whatever.

markbrynn

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #61 on: September 08, 2015, 05:32:34 AM »
A quick piece of advice regarding dating (online or otherwise): I would look to make more friends first before worrying about a partner. If you have a good group of friends you are likely to be much happier with or without a partner, and making friends is generally easier than the dating scene. Becoming really close friends takes a while, but you should be able to meet some people to hang out with via the various meet-up, hobby, volunteer groups that others have mentioned. Sharing your life with other people is important for most people, but it doesn't have to be a single, romantic partner.

And regarding being awkward in social situations, keep working at it, practice helps.

FLA

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #62 on: September 08, 2015, 09:24:50 AM »

Maybe I'll look into it. Admittedly the last time I tried using a therapist was about 8 years ago (in Rowan County, which I'm sure you're all acquainted with given the national news). Perhaps there's somebody in Lexington that isn't just punching a timecard.

I'll usually have some amount of money budgeted for the year for personal improvement (this year it was for personal training, just as an aside: never do that) so some of that could be allocated in that direction.
[/quote]

won't your insurance cover it?  In NY we have a law that insurance companies can no longer limit therapy visits, it has to cover it like any other illness. 

I can see others' points about it being a self-esteem issue and you need to do xyz, if you  try those, try being social, etc and you don't feel better, I really think you should be screened.  Especially if those suggestions feel completely overwhelming and you cannot do them without profound anxiety or stress.

Louisville

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #63 on: September 08, 2015, 09:40:21 AM »
My (biased) opinion:

Get to a shrink. If you don't make any progress with the first one, try another. And another. Get professional help now. Don't put it off. Make it your number one priority. Make up your mind that you're sick of being miserable all the damn time and do something about it. Your head is the problem, not your environment, your money, your job, etc.
I wish I hadn't waited until my mid-thirties to do this. I went through a number of therapists and psychiatrists until I found a combo that helped. You're right about "punching a clock" - there are a lot of shit useless people out there who have the credentials and call themselves therapists. Keep looking because there are good ones, too.
Your live is slipping away unlived. Get busy.

Spork

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #64 on: September 08, 2015, 10:12:41 AM »
My (biased) opinion:

Get to a shrink. If you don't make any progress with the first one, try another. And another. Get professional help now. Don't put it off. Make it your number one priority. Make up your mind that you're sick of being miserable all the damn time and do something about it. Your head is the problem, not your environment, your money, your job, etc.
I wish I hadn't waited until my mid-thirties to do this. I went through a number of therapists and psychiatrists until I found a combo that helped. You're right about "punching a clock" - there are a lot of shit useless people out there who have the credentials and call themselves therapists. Keep looking because there are good ones, too.
Your live is slipping away unlived. Get busy.

I think this is good advice.  I went through a bought of depression in my late 20s post divorce where I felt a lot like the OP's description.  I lucked into (or was luckily referred to) a cognitive therapist that was totally awesome. 

At the same time I came to the realization that the desperate desire to meet someone of the opposite sex was like a big flashing sign that said "Stay away."  At that point I sort of let myself off the hook.  I decided it was of more use to me short term to just try to speak to women (and possibly date them) WITH NO INTENTION OF TRYING TO HAVE SEX OR FORM A RELATIONSHIP.  It was just for confidence building.  And I found that boldly walking up to someone I was attracted to, speaking to her and getting shot down -- actually made me feel great.  The act of trying and failing is much more exhilarating than sitting in a dark rum drinking (which was what I was doing otherwise at the time.)

Ask for help.  And give yourself a damn break.  If you walk around thinking you are awful, other folks are going to feel it too.  Figure out just how awesome you are.

Trudie

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #65 on: September 08, 2015, 10:15:26 AM »
Okits has great advice -- we're all searching for that special someone who's our own kind of "weird."  We all have quirks.

A dear friend of mine is a 40ish pastor, never married, kind of quirky, but lovable in many ways person.  When I am together with him (I am married) and we talk (totally platonic, by the way) we always connect at at "no bullshit" level.  I love this about our friendship.  The last time we were together we talked about romantic love (finding that "one" person for you - the "LOVE" of your life) and fostering friendships/non-romantic relationships with many others.  He has chosen the latter path and talks a lot about the "loves" of his life -- the many friends, professional colleagues, confidantes, and acquaintances he's made on his life's journey.

We may not be meant to find one love; some of us can find many loves, of many kinds.

He is a decent, positive, and fun person -- but yes, quirky.  I could not live with him, that's for sure.  But when I left I felt this need to tell all my friends and those I appreciate how I felt about them.

I understand loneliness and at times feel like -- other than my husband -- I am not too "sympatico" with many people.  But really, I have many people in my life and probably expect too much of others at times.

But this is what I know... there are many different kinds of love, and ways of expressing it.  Start small and express it.  Then work your way up.

For instance, I looked at the pictures of the Syrian refugees being taken in by EU countries last week, and the generosity of spirit with which they were treated and put it on my FB page:  "This is what love looks like."  Love for fellow humans, even ones we don't know can set us on the path to love others more directly.

Sometimes when I'm in public -- like at the library or at church -- I focus on a total stranger (not in a creepy way) and try to find something I admire about them (the kindness and patience they're expressing, or a kind smile) and send positive thoughts/prayer their way.  By focusing my good thoughts/attention on others -- even for a few focused minutes -- I can see the divinity in others.  This is just not a Christian idea, by the way.  In yoga we focus our thoughts on others and dedicate our practice.

My experience is that when I focus from within on love/affection in this way I get outside of myself more.  I become better at expressing myself.  I become better at taking risks and trying to be a friend to others.  I become less focused on my shortcomings and feel more confident.  I think all kinds of relationships -- romantic and otherwise -- start there.

FLA

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #66 on: September 08, 2015, 10:30:21 AM »
Get to a shrink. If you don't make any progress with the first one, try another. And another. Get professional help now. Don't put it off. Make it your number one priority. Make up your mind that you're sick of being miserable all the damn time and do something about it. Your head is the problem, not your environment, your money, your job, etc.  I wish I hadn't waited until my mid-thirties to do this. I went through a number of therapists and psychiatrists until I found a combo that helped. You're right about "punching a clock" - there are a lot of shit useless people out there who have the credentials and call themselves therapistswent through a number of therapists and psychiatrists until I found a combo that helped. Keep looking because there are good ones, too.
Your live is slipping away unlived. Get busy.


in all honesty, this is what I wanted to say but did not have the guts to do it. Look at a list of what are symptoms of depression, what it feels like to be depressed. I would hazard a guess to say you have many of them.  ITA it's not your job, your social life or your money. Having problems in almost all aspects of your life, step back and look at what is really the problem.  There is likely a high chance that it is not having all those problems that's the issue. It's that the problems very much appear to be symptoms of depression.  When it gets bad enough, parts of your life, maybe even the majority of it, turns to shit. And you cannot cannot get out of it just by trying harder, taking up new hobbies, etc. Not if it's depression. All that advice is good, but I truly feel you need assessment and likely treatment.  And as you start to do better, then do the suggestions that appeal to you. 

so go out there, seek help and keep going until you find the right psychiatrist (IMHO that's ideal because you can get therapy and meds from the same doctor).  I had postpartum depression in '97, I expected that would pass, it didn't.  I have had major depression for 17 yrs.  It took me 2 yrs to find my guy, and I did try. But I was depressed to the point that the last New Age-y therapist giving me my meditation word (sound? IDK, it was stupid) and a ginormous list to help fight the blues, I looked at her and laughed, "you are not hearing me, I cannot get out of bed to do all this crap, yet I can't sleep. I know I am depressed and none of this is what I need."  Found a sarcastic, dry wit psychiatrist who totally fit my personality. That was 15 yrs ago and I still go, I've needed a lot of med changes and therapy just helps. He helped me get my life back.  MY life, not a yogi's life. 

after all, isn't the new PC thing "All Lives Matter"?  YOUR life matters and the longer you wait to get help, the longer it will take to get your life back.

AZDude

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #67 on: September 08, 2015, 11:08:09 AM »
meeting people in bars and the odds of that person becoming more than a guy you met in a bar is hard.  Have you tried online dating?  I never thought I'd do it, my friends pushed me into it after divorce and I had a lot of fun, met some interesting men and some really strange rangers. Made two really good male friends, that was one of the best parts.  I ended up in a 7 yr relationship when I was ready to get back up on that horse again.  To me, it worked best if you keep it easy, breezy, don't drag out the emails with personal info because it feels like you are on the same wavelength. When you finally meet and there's no connection, you've wasted time and told parts of your life to someone you will never see again.  A few emails, someone suggest a coffee date or drinks, meet and then see if you really connect. 

Can't recommend a service, all I know is Grinder is for gay people, Tinder has "naughty dating" in their ad, and lest you have the morals of Josh Dugger, Ashley Madison is for affairs, lol.

It can't hurt, right? You sound like you've had enough of being alone.

I've tried several online things over the last few years (OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, etc). Lots of messages sent, lots of overhauled profiles, zero dates. I figure I'm just a special kind of awful.

Not sure how to say this, but are your standards too high? Lets say you are socially awkward and a 5 on the traditional 1-10 scale. Are you only trying to meet the "super hot socially interesting and adventurous" woman/man? Take a chance on someone like you, and maybe you make a new friend if nothing else.

Supertaster

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #68 on: September 09, 2015, 05:16:35 PM »
wow.  There are a lot of posts.  I just skimmed through.

I'm not opposed to meeting somewhere else, but I'd definitely prefer somewhere public. 

The farmers market was pretty... uh..  pretentiously trendy.  I went to the Saturday morning Main St one, but traffic wasn't bad.  Quieter than weekday.

http://www.lexingtonfarmersmarket.com

I am starting a marathon of a week today then will be out of town this coming weekend, so I won't be available until after the 14th.  Let me know if you do want to meet up.  No pressure if you don't.

I'm fine to meet anywhere, do you frequent any other places? The only real stomping ground I have around Lexington is a karaoke bar out on Harrodsburg road.

Supertaster

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #69 on: September 09, 2015, 05:20:49 PM »

Maybe I'll look into it. Admittedly the last time I tried using a therapist was about 8 years ago (in Rowan County, which I'm sure you're all acquainted with given the national news). Perhaps there's somebody in Lexington that isn't just punching a timecard.

I'll usually have some amount of money budgeted for the year for personal improvement (this year it was for personal training, just as an aside: never do that) so some of that could be allocated in that direction.

won't your insurance cover it?  In NY we have a law that insurance companies can no longer limit therapy visits, it has to cover it like any other illness. 

I can see others' points about it being a self-esteem issue and you need to do xyz, if you  try those, try being social, etc and you don't feel better, I really think you should be screened.  Especially if those suggestions feel completely overwhelming and you cannot do them without profound anxiety or stress.

I'm not really sure how my insurance would handle it. I figure I would have some kind of copay for each visit.
« Last Edit: September 09, 2015, 05:32:25 PM by Supertaster »

Supertaster

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #70 on: September 09, 2015, 05:30:49 PM »
meeting people in bars and the odds of that person becoming more than a guy you met in a bar is hard.  Have you tried online dating?  I never thought I'd do it, my friends pushed me into it after divorce and I had a lot of fun, met some interesting men and some really strange rangers. Made two really good male friends, that was one of the best parts.  I ended up in a 7 yr relationship when I was ready to get back up on that horse again.  To me, it worked best if you keep it easy, breezy, don't drag out the emails with personal info because it feels like you are on the same wavelength. When you finally meet and there's no connection, you've wasted time and told parts of your life to someone you will never see again.  A few emails, someone suggest a coffee date or drinks, meet and then see if you really connect. 

Can't recommend a service, all I know is Grinder is for gay people, Tinder has "naughty dating" in their ad, and lest you have the morals of Josh Dugger, Ashley Madison is for affairs, lol.

It can't hurt, right? You sound like you've had enough of being alone.

I've tried several online things over the last few years (OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, etc). Lots of messages sent, lots of overhauled profiles, zero dates. I figure I'm just a special kind of awful.

Not sure how to say this, but are your standards too high? Lets say you are socially awkward and a 5 on the traditional 1-10 scale. Are you only trying to meet the "super hot socially interesting and adventurous" woman/man? Take a chance on someone like you, and maybe you make a new friend if nothing else.

I don't know if they're too high. I'm certainly more likely to turn a girl down for being a trainwreck as apposed to not being attractive. I just don't meet many girls that are options, and when I do my brain flips into 'HOLY CRAP SHE SEEMS GREAT YOU BETTER NOT SCREW THIS UP OR YOU'LL BE ALONE FOREVER' mode and I can't communicate like a human anymore.

tj

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #71 on: September 09, 2015, 06:50:36 PM »
meeting people in bars and the odds of that person becoming more than a guy you met in a bar is hard.  Have you tried online dating?  I never thought I'd do it, my friends pushed me into it after divorce and I had a lot of fun, met some interesting men and some really strange rangers. Made two really good male friends, that was one of the best parts.  I ended up in a 7 yr relationship when I was ready to get back up on that horse again.  To me, it worked best if you keep it easy, breezy, don't drag out the emails with personal info because it feels like you are on the same wavelength. When you finally meet and there's no connection, you've wasted time and told parts of your life to someone you will never see again.  A few emails, someone suggest a coffee date or drinks, meet and then see if you really connect. 

Can't recommend a service, all I know is Grinder is for gay people, Tinder has "naughty dating" in their ad, and lest you have the morals of Josh Dugger, Ashley Madison is for affairs, lol.

It can't hurt, right? You sound like you've had enough of being alone.

I've tried several online things over the last few years (OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, etc). Lots of messages sent, lots of overhauled profiles, zero dates. I figure I'm just a special kind of awful.

Not sure how to say this, but are your standards too high? Lets say you are socially awkward and a 5 on the traditional 1-10 scale. Are you only trying to meet the "super hot socially interesting and adventurous" woman/man? Take a chance on someone like you, and maybe you make a new friend if nothing else.

I don't know if they're too high. I'm certainly more likely to turn a girl down for being a trainwreck as apposed to not being attractive. I just don't meet many girls that are options, and when I do my brain flips into 'HOLY CRAP SHE SEEMS GREAT YOU BETTER NOT SCREW THIS UP OR YOU'LL BE ALONE FOREVER' mode and I can't communicate like a human anymore.

You need to talk to someone, whether that be a therapist or a life coach, or whatever, you need more confidence. Meeting quality women shouldn't be a situation where you feel yourself under pressure and stress.

Dicey

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #72 on: September 09, 2015, 10:33:43 PM »
Two things:
1. There are three drivers in my family and three paid-for vehicles in our driveway. DH walks to work, but you'll pry his truck keys from my cold, dead hands. We use it to do work ourselves instead of paying others. We have no intention of becoming carless. We are FI and I am FIRE. I daresay car owners are, in fact, not the minority here. They're just ashamed of their implied/perceived lack of badassity, to which I loudly call bullshit. My MIL lives with us and has Alzheimer's, I am NEVER going to run errands on a bicycle with her. Dealing with her is challenging enough, I'm not going to feel guilty for driving my eight year old minivan to Costco to buy groceries.

2. And I probably should have put this first, but I'm too lazy to rewrite this. I did not get married until I was fifty four. I dated my brains out over the years and just never found the one. I had several dry spells when I just didn't give a shit about dating. To get through these periods, I got involved with my local library. If you are strong and can lift boxes of books, I guarantee there's a Friend's group that's dying for your help (interest in reading optional). Eventually, I made new friends, then I joined the Friend's Board. I became friendly with another board member, an older (as in could have been my dad and yes, it was strictly platonic. Read on.) guy whose wife was dying of Alzheimer's. We'd work together at the library and just chat. Not long after his wife died, he received a terminal diagnosis. He asked me to go on a cruise to AUS and NZ with him, because he wanted to go there and never had, despite the fact that he and his wife traveled a fair amount. After much thought, I agreed and we had a blast. He died less than a month after we returned. My point is that you just do not know where or when your one and only is going to show up, or where life's road will lead you until then. Get off your ass and do something, anything to break the inertia that weighs you down. If it can happen to a worthless piece of shit like me, it can happen to you too.

*Anyone who says they've never felt like that at some point or other is probably leading an unexamined life.

Murse

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #73 on: September 10, 2015, 03:13:37 AM »
My advice, read this first http://www.madfientist.com/happiness-through-subtraction/

Second, don't worry about a significant other, start with friends. I made a post asking people how to make friends quite some time ago, they advised I try meetup.com. I gave it a shot, went to the place to meet people and there were probably 10 different groups of people there, I was unsure which one I was supposed to hang out with. I turned around and left, I chickened out. I have however had great luck with volunteering, I volunteer for an evening every two weeks and have met some great people. Since then I have also got my first full time job, so now I have co-workers that I mingle with. I feel so much better now that I have a social life, here's the thing though, I had a girlfriend throughout the entire ordeal. I found that having my girlfriend as my only social outlet did not work, I need more people for me to be happy, and that is okay. My point here is a significant other won't fix anything and FIRE won't fix anything. No one can help you other then yourself, you must find a way to beat the social anxiety.

goatmom

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #74 on: September 10, 2015, 05:47:04 AM »
It sounds like you might be depressed.  An evaluation by a competent psychiatrist would be in order.  I am in NY and tried to find someone who took insurance to bring a family member to recently - bottom line - at least here is that many don't accept insurance and it can be well worth it to pay out of pocket for someone who is competent and not just punching a time clock.  In the old days they would say that the therapy was more effective anyway because you were more invested in it.  Not sure if that is true - but I think there is something true about it.  That is the only way I was able to find a psych that did therapy and meds combined. I felt it has been a bargain at $200 and it only took a few to get back on track. You can write if off on your taxes or use an FSA if you have that.  Best of luck!

willkp23

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #75 on: September 10, 2015, 07:29:20 AM »
My simple advice: go see a social worker (just to talk things out), I did that and it made me realize a lot of things about my thought process and how my perception of life was generally wrong.   Another thing I would recommend is going to church and that helped me think more positive as well.   I was diagnosed with depression and these things along with medication have helped me tremendously.  I can definitely understand how you feel, but I promise it's not hopeless.   Feel free to PM me if you would like to ask me any questions.   

wenchsenior

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #76 on: September 10, 2015, 08:12:48 AM »
I hate therapists too. They all have their own mainstream agenda that I'm not interested in.
Depression is a thought disorder. I started doing cognitive behavioral therapy. I read the book "Feeling Good, the new mood therapy" which was the break through I needed.

As someone who has struggled with periods of clinical depression and anxiety, I 100% agree with this recommendation. Ideally, you would find a therapist you like who also works with CBT, but if you can't/won't do the therapist thing, this is definitely the next best step.

powersuitrecall

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #77 on: September 10, 2015, 10:20:21 AM »
Red River Gorge helped me a lot more.

Random thought/question - are you a rock climber? 

Years ago when I was in a similar position to yours, I found an incredibly supportive community at a local bouldering gym.  I developed long term friendships based on my time there (and my lovely wife!).  I also became incredibly fit: an added bonus to an activity that is also incredibly fun.  I've travelled quite a bit and found similar communities wherever I go.  I think there is just something about climbing that attracts earthy / sporty / friendly / slightly OCD / non-judgmental types. 

Anyways, just a thought for a new activity if you care to try it.

PS - Red River Gorge is one of the most amazing places for this activity.

JLee

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #78 on: September 10, 2015, 10:31:58 AM »
I highly recommend finding a local blues/blues fusion dance group.  They're some of the most friendly and welcoming people I have ever met.  I've met wonderful people, and now I can actually go on a dance floor without feeling terribly out of place, which is a very new feeling for me.

If you had a group of friends, or a significant other, what sort of activities do you imagine doing?

%%%

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #79 on: September 10, 2015, 10:40:56 AM »
I'd like to second the rock climbing advice. A new gym just opened in Lexington last month (http://lescaladefitness.com/). In my experience, climbing gyms are a great way to meet people. I would recommend getting a membership. Learn the ropes (PUN), hang out (PUN), and you'll start to get to know people. Offer to trade belays or ask for beta on a particular climb. Most climbers are happy to help. The gyms in the cities I've lived in have been great places for developing a community. People start to recognize each other, you are sharing a common interest, and offering to help or asking for help is a great way to break the ice. And as the previous poster mentioned, the gorge (or the "Red" for non-Kentuckians) is one of the best places ever for climbing (as you probably know).

Supertaster

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #80 on: September 10, 2015, 07:35:15 PM »
Red River Gorge helped me a lot more.

Random thought/question - are you a rock climber? 

Years ago when I was in a similar position to yours, I found an incredibly supportive community at a local bouldering gym.  I developed long term friendships based on my time there (and my lovely wife!).  I also became incredibly fit: an added bonus to an activity that is also incredibly fun.  I've travelled quite a bit and found similar communities wherever I go.  I think there is just something about climbing that attracts earthy / sporty / friendly / slightly OCD / non-judgmental types. 

Anyways, just a thought for a new activity if you care to try it.

PS - Red River Gorge is one of the most amazing places for this activity.

I've never done any rock climbing, I just hike all over the place. I always see a ton of climbers down there. From time to time I have thought about giving it a try, I'm just not sure how quickly I would be able to get used to the height or learn to trust the rope. I've got a friend from college that moved out to Colorado and she climbs EVERYTHING. She's constantly posting photos to Facebook and making me jealous.

I'd like to second the rock climbing advice. A new gym just opened in Lexington last month (http://lescaladefitness.com/). In my experience, climbing gyms are a great way to meet people. I would recommend getting a membership. Learn the ropes (PUN), hang out (PUN), and you'll start to get to know people. Offer to trade belays or ask for beta on a particular climb. Most climbers are happy to help. The gyms in the cities I've lived in have been great places for developing a community. People start to recognize each other, you are sharing a common interest, and offering to help or asking for help is a great way to break the ice. And as the previous poster mentioned, the gorge (or the "Red" for non-Kentuckians) is one of the best places ever for climbing (as you probably know).

It looks like a great gym, but the prices seem a bit steep (boom, wordplay). More than double the monthly fee on my current place. And it would double my weekday commute, so that's something else I would need to consider. Might be worth checking out though, I saw that they had some short term options.

rafiki

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #81 on: September 11, 2015, 06:27:01 AM »
I've tried several online things over the last few years (OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, etc). Lots of messages sent, lots of overhauled profiles, zero dates. I figure I'm just a special kind of awful.

My advice would be to work on yourself to become the person you want to be. If you want to be the guy that has deep friendships - work on being a good friend. If you want to attract women - work on being more attractive to women (this isn't necessarily a looks thing although if you aren't taking care of yourself / have poor hygiene / are unhealthy then you need to get that handled). If this is too hard or there is some other excuse you will continue to be who you have always been, and get what you have always gotten. Read some books on attracting women if you have to. Understand what is attractive and unattractive and empower yourself to change.

I have never met you, so I don't know what the problem is exactly, but if you give yourself a good honest assessment and then work to become the person that reaches the goals you have in mind. Focus on the things you can control. It sounds like you already have the exercise aspect down. Maybe you need to explore some new hobbies, start a side business, go on a trip, or figure out what you enjoy doing and then get more involved in that and figure out how to incorporate people in to that.

Maybe you need to start volunteering. That could give you perspective and help you meet people at the same time. I have gained a lot through volunteering. I would recommend reading the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. If you don't read much, read more books (and read a variety of subjects - fiction, nonfiction, etc). At the end of the day, you will get what you give, and if you aren't getting enough that tells me you are not giving enough. I'm not saying be a doormat, but you need to put yourself out there, engage people, take life by the balls and make things happen.

 

lukebuz

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Re: Does it ever seem useless?
« Reply #82 on: September 11, 2015, 11:16:12 AM »
I've been more or less lurking here for a couple of years now and I've got most of the things I can control in order. My debts are cleaned up. My job pays relatively well. Everything has been budgeted. My investments are maximized and reasonably allocated. According to my endless calculations I should be ready to retire in ten years or so. But sometimes I don't even see the point.

I'm alone. I'm miserable. Work has slowed down and isn't quite the welcome distraction it once was. And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to change or improve anything else. I don't really know if I can make it for another ten years with this mindset.

Come on down to BG sometime.  We can drink some homemade booze and hang out.  I've been here all of 2 months!