Author Topic: Could you do this?  (Read 2867 times)

ThatGuy

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Could you do this?
« on: January 17, 2019, 03:52:34 PM »
We had to put my mom in a nursing home, she has Alzhiemer's and was getting to be more than my dad could handle.  Just a few weeks ago he had knee replacement surgery and I have been staying with him ever since to help him until he is able to take care of himself.  I asked him when he wanted me to leave and his answer was he wanted me to stay forever.  He's lonely even though he is a member in a couple of clubs and he regularly hangs out at Mcdonald's with some folks that are around his age.  I'm 55 and I live alone.  I really like living alone but my question is, would you move back in with a parent?  It would be a boost to my bottom line but I don't know if I could do it.

Vibrissae

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2019, 04:19:11 PM »

I did this, actually! When my mom died, I moved in with my father because I didn't want him to be lonely. I was..in my mid-20s, I think? And he was in his late 70s. For me, it was mostly positive--it reduced my living costs (though I was very not frugal at the time and blew way too much of that money on things that I now regret), he cooked dinner and drove me to and from the train station, we went on trips together...we were good company for each other, as we were both quiet and bookish, and we never fought. The one downside was that it let me lurk in a sort of half-adult comfort zone, and my life stagnated quite a bit. After he died, I ended up in another "stay to support" living situation, and it's only now, about 2 years after getting out of that, that I'm starting to feel like I'm living my own life.

So I think it would really depend entirely on your relationship with your dad, and how much of a life you would have outside of that relationship. It's probably not worth it if there's likely to be frequent tension between the two of you, or if you'd feel smothered. Otherwise, it could be OK, or even really good.

use2betrix

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2019, 06:30:33 PM »
It really depends how much you both really enjoy it. My wife and I have stayed with my parents a few months in the last couple years on sabbaticals. They’re still working (early 60’s). I don’t think I could live with them permanently mostly because their place is a bit small for 4 adults full time. A couple months on and off throughout the year is fantastic though. We really enjoy spending time with them, we all have a good time.

sparkytheop

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2019, 11:21:04 PM »
I do not think I could do this.  However, I'm still waiting to be a single empty-nester.  Maybe after living alone for 15 years it might be more tempting, but I really like my space.  I'd be more willing to live in a duplex (that I owned, of course) so we could each have our own space 100%, but it would be easy to hang out, share meals, etc.  I moved out right after high school graduation for a reason.

kei te pai

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2019, 12:08:08 AM »
I did it, but my mother had terminal cancer, so I knew it was a time limited thing. As it was, I was there over 6 months.
If you did move in with your father permanently I think it would be very hard to reverse that choice if you were unhappy.
How old is your Dad?

Freedomin5

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2019, 01:24:32 AM »
Yes, I could, but I have a good relationship with my parents.

Another option might be to move close by/next door so that you can visit daily, but still have your own space.

Lots of people in China do this. Parents either live with their children, or they live in the same apartment complex.

reeshau

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2019, 02:39:28 AM »
@Freedomin5 has a great point.  What is the situation, otherwise?  If you live in the same small town, you can make yourself available quite frequently, without having to...share a bathroom.  My Mom was the "local child" for her mother, and visited almost daily, not just for social calls but also to help with chores.  But she then had her own house to go back to.

Of course, the spendy answer to this would be an in-law apartment.  Not sure that fits here, but would be a common answer to allowing space but having both regular contact to fight loneliness and security in case of an emergency.

Cranky

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2019, 05:11:57 AM »
I'm pretty easy going (I think, anyway). I could certainly do it, barring the fact that my parents are both dead, of course.

But we're talking about buying a house with our adult kids once dh retires, and the kids are pushing for this to happen. We all get along great.

I think it just needs to be a space big enough for everyone to have some privacy.

CindyBS

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2019, 06:54:11 AM »
Is there some sort of space in their house that can be carved out just for you?  I'm thinking something like a finished basement or attic space, apartment over the garage, MIL suite or something like that.  Even if it wasn't its own proper apartment with a full kitchen, you can have a mini fridge and microwave, a couch or some furniture that makes it like a little living room. 

I think that may work out better than the situation where all the house and all the stuff is your parent's except your bedroom. 


Dicey

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2019, 07:40:37 AM »
My MIL and her pal, Al Z. Heimer, live with us. It's been six years. I would take your situation in a heartbeat. You won't regret the time you spend with your dad. More importantly,  what is your personal work situation? Will you work remotely, take a leave, or quit altogether? Do you own your own home? Would you give it up?

Have you discussed this idea with your dad?

Stimpy

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2019, 08:12:18 AM »
I think it can be a great idea, give you both company, and keeps you both looking out for each other.  Plus you might learn something about you Dad you never knew! 

That being said, as other have pointed out, there are downsides.  You lose some privacy, and you need to organize your life a little more around someone.

Though in my opinion I would do it.  The end result is far better then if you were to just check up on him every now and then and as others have said as long as you can stand each other then it's a a you should do it.

dcozad999

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2019, 08:50:15 AM »
Depends on the person and the family. Some are close, some are not. Some are close, but argue frequently.

In your situation, assuming you get along with your father, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I'm not a solitary person. I think an in-law suite would be a perfect situation here.

Blueberries

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2019, 09:09:57 AM »
I had a parent live with me and my family for a chunk of time.  If I did it again, I would treat the situation like a roommate scenario, in which there were open lines of communication and we were all on the same page about expectations (i.e. cleaning, rent, etc.).  Overall, if we both had enough space of our own and it wouldn't change our lives drastically (house selling, extreme moving, etc.), I would probably try it for a year and see what happens.  If you're currently renting, the worst that happens is you bail at the 6 month mark and move into a nearby apartment.  It doesn't have to be forever.

Cookie78

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2019, 09:39:45 AM »
Absolutely.

I lived with my mother for 1 year ending this past August after my brother died (a couple years after, but that was my reason for going). There, I was surrounded by friends and family (small town, someone was almost always over). Now I'm back home alone and it's a big sad shock to the system.

My mom is really easy to live with, and I'm glad to have spent the time with her, and everyone else nearby.

mm1970

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #14 on: January 18, 2019, 11:06:29 AM »
We had to put my mom in a nursing home, she has Alzhiemer's and was getting to be more than my dad could handle.  Just a few weeks ago he had knee replacement surgery and I have been staying with him ever since to help him until he is able to take care of himself.  I asked him when he wanted me to leave and his answer was he wanted me to stay forever.  He's lonely even though he is a member in a couple of clubs and he regularly hangs out at Mcdonald's with some folks that are around his age.  I'm 55 and I live alone.  I really like living alone but my question is, would you move back in with a parent?  It would be a boost to my bottom line but I don't know if I could do it.
I couldn't do it.

Both my parents are gone though, so there's that.

OtherJen

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #15 on: January 18, 2019, 11:31:44 AM »
I do not think I could do this.  However, I'm still waiting to be a single empty-nester.  Maybe after living alone for 15 years it might be more tempting, but I really like my space.  I'd be more willing to live in a duplex (that I owned, of course) so we could each have our own space 100%, but it would be easy to hang out, share meals, etc.  I moved out right after high school graduation for a reason.

I would love to get a duplex with my parents! I get along well with both parents, but Dad and I are both stubborn and would not do well if we had to share a kitchen. We’re the primary cooks in our respective households and want everything to be “just so,” to the point that Mom and my husband commiserate and tease us.

If one of my parents died, though, I would definitely consider having the other move in with us.

Laura33

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #16 on: January 18, 2019, 12:15:36 PM »
No.  I love my mother more than just about anything, but we are completely different people with completely different ways of living (super-planner/super-neat-freak/super-dominant her vs. messy/I-hate-rigidity/please-just-give-me-some-space me).  Since my stepdad died, I am already chafing with how much needier she is, and I'm the only relative who can fill that sort of daily void; the idea of assuming All The Need is just too much.  The only way it might work would be some sort of independent living unit attached to mine, but she is determined to stay in her house, and neither of our houses are set up for that. 

I plan to solve that problem by doing what I can and throwing money at the rest.  Working longer is absolutely worth it to maintain both my own mental health and a good, healthy relationship with my mom, so that I can appreciate and enjoy my time with her instead of resenting the burden.

FireHiker

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #17 on: January 18, 2019, 12:29:21 PM »
I think it's super dependent on the people in question. For my mother-in-law, yes, absolutely. My father-in-law or my own mother? Oh hell no, it would be a disaster. I think adult children living with their parent(s) doesn't necessarily have to be a negative. My sister-in-law has her son and son's boyfriend back with them while they save up money for a down payment. They pay rent to her and it's a mutually beneficial situation where everyone is happy. My sister-in-law tends to get lonely after raising three kids and having a husband who has his own activities that he's out doing at odd hours (hockey). I wouldn't be able to live with my mother ever, but if I had a mom like my sister-in-law I'd have been just fine paying rent in the same house if it was a situation that made sense for everyone.

use2betrix

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #18 on: January 18, 2019, 12:44:19 PM »
I'm pretty easy going (I think, anyway).

I’m a bit skeptical. You always have seemed a bit... cranky....

AMandM

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #19 on: January 18, 2019, 12:45:36 PM »
I could and would, because
1) my father and I are both easy-going and get along very well. We'd happily do stuff together, chat, or do things separately. We'd both be happy for me to take over the cooking.
2) there's enough room in his house for us to be apart when we want to.
3) I'm confident that I could renew threads of old friendships and make new ones in his city, which is where I grew up, so that I would have a social network independent of him.

It's not entirely clear to me whether these all hold true for you.  #3 is really important, even for an introvert. My grandmother moved in with us when I was a kid and never managed to make friends of her own. It was very painful for her.  Are you already in the same town as your father, so that you'd have to move house but not uproot yourself? Could you keep your current job, if any?

Kapiira

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #20 on: January 18, 2019, 01:52:43 PM »
Another option that is similar to buying a duplex is to build a casita on the property.  We've thought about doing this for my in-laws.

mspym

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #21 on: January 18, 2019, 03:20:24 PM »
I couldn't do it but we are in the process of helping my mother move to my sister's farm, where she will have her own wee house. This was a solution that met both company and autonomy needs for both of them.

asiljoy

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #22 on: January 18, 2019, 04:04:03 PM »
My Mom lives with me, but 1) its my house, so it didn't feel like I was moving into my old room from high school? 2) we are similar in temperament and sat down to set boundaries early 3) my house has a mother in law apartment that has rooms like an extra kitchen we frankly don't utilize AT ALL, but could should either party feel like they need more space. The original plan was to convert that space into a rental unit for income, but this works too.

ThatGuy

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #23 on: January 18, 2019, 09:44:58 PM »
My dad is 77 and we get along very well.  I live in a small town about 20 minutes away from him.  He's always been against moving which would be ok if his house had at least 1.5 bathrooms but it doesn't and it would be difficult to add one.  I've been thinking about selling my house and building a smaller house so selling my house is fine except the thought of getting it ready to sell as well as packing up all my junk has made me hesitant.  Even though we don't live far apart it's very difficult for me to bring myself to do anything after work.  I just want to go home and veg so visiting him on work days is almost impossible unless there is a drastic need.  If I moved in I could turn the basement back into my bedroom but he has it setup with his amateur radio and computer gear so that would need to be worked out.  I'm not sure it would be necessary anyway, he sleeps a lot!  I haven't talked to him about it, I think he would be very happy to have me here permanently.  As a said in my original post he said he wanted me to stay forever.  The idea of getting everything taken care of to move out of my house is kind of scary.

kei te pai

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #24 on: January 18, 2019, 11:02:07 PM »
What about renting your house out for a year, and giving it a trial living with him? This may simply be an adjustment period for him, with your mother no longer there. You would need to "pack up your junk" , but this might be a good thing!

Dicey

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #25 on: January 18, 2019, 11:53:55 PM »
My dad is 77 and we get along very well.  I live in a small town about 20 minutes away from him.  He's always been against moving which would be ok if his house had at least 1.5 bathrooms but it doesn't and it would be difficult to add one.  I've been thinking about selling my house and building a smaller house so selling my house is fine except the thought of getting it ready to sell as well as packing up all my junk has made me hesitant.  Even though we don't live far apart it's very difficult for me to bring myself to do anything after work.  I just want to go home and veg so visiting him on work days is almost impossible unless there is a drastic need.  If I moved in I could turn the basement back into my bedroom but he has it setup with his amateur radio and computer gear so that would need to be worked out.  I'm not sure it would be necessary anyway, he sleeps a lot!  I haven't talked to him about it, I think he would be very happy to have me here permanently.  As a said in my original post he said he wanted me to stay forever.  The idea of getting everything taken care of to move out of my house is kind of scary.
Could you score a deal on a trailer or RV and park it on his property? Then you'd be nearby but still have your own retreat.

okits

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #26 on: January 19, 2019, 12:18:36 AM »
My dad is 77 and we get along very well.  I live in a small town about 20 minutes away from him.  He's always been against moving which would be ok if his house had at least 1.5 bathrooms but it doesn't and it would be difficult to add one.  I've been thinking about selling my house and building a smaller house so selling my house is fine except the thought of getting it ready to sell as well as packing up all my junk has made me hesitant.  Even though we don't live far apart it's very difficult for me to bring myself to do anything after work.  I just want to go home and veg so visiting him on work days is almost impossible unless there is a drastic need.  If I moved in I could turn the basement back into my bedroom but he has it setup with his amateur radio and computer gear so that would need to be worked out.  I'm not sure it would be necessary anyway, he sleeps a lot!  I haven't talked to him about it, I think he would be very happy to have me here permanently.  As a said in my original post he said he wanted me to stay forever.  The idea of getting everything taken care of to move out of my house is kind of scary.

Can you just stay over a few nights a week?  Gives you some more togetherness but you still have your own space. 

Imma

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #27 on: January 19, 2019, 02:24:24 AM »
I couldn't do it with either my parents or my in-laws, the relationships are just not close enough for it. When I grew up, my grandmother lived with her daughter and two nights a week, my grandma would spend the afternoon and evening with our family to give her daughter some time for herself. I think it's important to arrange some form of formal or informal respite care if you do end up living with a parent who needs round the clock care.

My aunt and uncle lived in a small home so this was not ideal: grandma's bed was in the middle of the living room and she'd wash herself in the kitchen - she couldn't walk the stairs anymore. She got to shower once a week at someone else's place (they had a downstairs bathroom). I know there was a lot of tension in that home. It works much better if there are separate living spaces.

Rosy

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #28 on: January 19, 2019, 10:44:25 AM »
No, I love my Mom, but we are completely different people and couldn't live together in the long run. I didn't mind flying over to the continent and taking care of her when she asked and the alternative would have been a nursing home with daily therapy.
I did that twice - each time for two-three months and I am glad I did, sense and expenses be damned.

Living together in the same house and take care of her for good? No - not just because I can't just leave my home, my life and Mr. R. in the states.

I'd be happy to live nearby, helping out and spending (some) time together, yes, I could and would do that if I still lived there. I actually did just that for a few years which showed me just how difficult she can be:) but that is OK. I know she loves me and I love her.
But no moving in for good, although I would stay the night on occasion.

In your situation OP, as you described it and as long as you have enough personal space to suit you, I'd consider it. You might want a six months trial period during which you do not give up your own place just as a precaution. 
I would also have a long talk about expectations in the long run because there is always the possibility that his care will be too much for you at some point.
It is always best to have clarity.
I would wish to discuss the most likely scenarios and their financial implications before I committed myself for good.

My personal space and personal freedom including a good friend or life partner are important to me and I would not give them up so easy. I would however always do what I can for my mom, just not always exactly as she would like.
She is now in a nursing home, but even so, there are always things to do even from half a world away:)

Dicey

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #29 on: January 19, 2019, 01:33:46 PM »
I couldn't have done it for my mom. I am doing it for my MIL, which is totally different. I never knew her before ALZ.
I'm pretty sure the OP wouldn't be asking if he felt he couldn't do it.

Trifele

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #30 on: January 20, 2019, 05:31:30 AM »
It depends completely on your (1) relationship with your dad, and (2) how much personal space you need and can arrange.  I could never have done it with my mom -- we were way too different -- but now she's gone.  If my dad gets to the point where he needs help I would absolutely live with him if he wanted.  We're similar in the things that matter for roommates -- neatness requirements, cooking needs, noise tolerance, money management, need for alone time, respect for off-limit topics of conversation (e.g. politics), etc.  For the most part we don't push any of each other's emotional annoyance buttons.

Years ago when my grandma needed help, my aunt and uncle sold their house and bought a larger house with an in-law suite where they all lived until she passed.  My best friend did the same thing when her dad's Alzheimer's got bad and her mom could no longer cope alone.  She and her husband sold their house, her parents sold their house, and together they bought a duplex where they all live.  It's been 10 years and is working out well so far. 

ThatGuy

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #31 on: January 22, 2019, 05:19:08 PM »
Today I went back to my house.  I was with my dad for a month and I'm going back to work soon so I thought now would be a good time to go.  I could tell he was upset, my sister and I have started talking about options.  No matter what I do it's going to take some time to get everything sorted out.

Trifele

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #32 on: January 23, 2019, 04:20:45 AM »
Today I went back to my house.  I was with my dad for a month and I'm going back to work soon so I thought now would be a good time to go.  I could tell he was upset, my sister and I have started talking about options.  No matter what I do it's going to take some time to get everything sorted out.

Good luck!  Hoping you can find something that works for everyone. 

ThatGuy

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #33 on: January 23, 2019, 10:17:03 AM »
Today I went back to my house.  I was with my dad for a month and I'm going back to work soon so I thought now would be a good time to go.  I could tell he was upset, my sister and I have started talking about options.  No matter what I do it's going to take some time to get everything sorted out.

Good luck!  Hoping you can find something that works for everyone.

Thank you, I do too.

Fishindude

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #34 on: January 23, 2019, 10:39:25 AM »
I would never move into the same house as my Dad, it would probably be very weird and uncomfortable for both and lead to petty arguments.
However, we've got enough property here that if one of our parents ever got in a real pinch, I wouldn't be opposed to setting them up in a small house or modular next door to live out their remaining years where we could have more contact and keep an eye on them.

TRD

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Re: Could you do this?
« Reply #35 on: January 24, 2019, 02:02:12 AM »
This is when I envy the people who have mil apartments or have the ability to buy the house next door and keep an eye on parents from 10-20 glorious feet away while keeping their own space.

I moved in with my parents for several months last year while helping one of them recover from major surgery. I love my parents but that just wasn’t permanently sustainable.