I'm here! I really appreciate all of the thoughtful responses. Sorry I haven't participated more. At first I was trying to gather my thoughts and then I was a little dismayed by some of the comments about my husband and I wasn't sure how to respond.
My husband is definitely showing up 100%. It's true that he's doing a lot less housework and childcare right now, but that's because he is working out of the house full-time at a job that is much more difficult during COVID. I can't imagine asking him to do any more than he is doing right now.
Also, he has already interrupted his career twice to be a stay-at-home dad so that I could advance my career. His job is meaningful despite the low pay and I would not ask him to leave it again as long as there are other options.
I still feel conflicted about whether or not to quit my job. I do feel really burned out but I can't tell how much of that is actually related to the job and how much is COVID-fatigue plus seasonal affective disorder.
The most valuable take away I've gotten from this thread is that I am okay either way and either decision can be reversed easily.
It sounds like my boss is going to be chill and have low expectations for me while COVID restrictions are still in place. I'll also be doing a different type of work (non-customer facing, totally asynchronous). So I've decided to try and chill out, return to work, and just take it one day at a time. Maybe it will be okay? If not, I can resign at any time.
I appreciate the comments about outsourcing tasks and finding a better balance. I've had a bunch of conversations with my husband. He is supportive of whatever choice I want to make career-wise but he believes I am too inflexible about doing everything myself. I'm trying to take that to heart, so over the past few days I booked a regular housecleaning service and hired people to do some home maintenance stuff that I would normally do myself (like gutter cleaning, cleaning mildew from the wood siding, etc). I also reserved a weekly time slot for a walking meditation program.
We'll see how it goes. I'm trying to focus on the fact that everything will be okay regardless. Thanks for all the advice and ideas.
Thanks for coming back.
I knew that if your husband was supportive that some of the comments would make it difficult for you, that's why I spoke up.
However, those comments that people made were 100% intended to be supportive. None of those people were trying to attack you or your husband, they were just inferring reasonable, but inaccurate conclusions and offering what they thought was the best form of support.
So try to recognize that what you got was actually an outpouring of defense for you, not anything meant to feel like an attack on your marriage. If you look at it through that lense, people were being loving, they just didn't have all of the info. Now that they do, I'm sure they'll be thrilled to know that your husband isn't one of the many who takes his wife's labours for granted.
Okay, onto my feedback.
If you feel you can try work, then absolutely do it. As you said, you can always still quit after trying. That's always what I've done. I've had a few periods where I was off work and dreaded going back and considered giving my notice and not returning, but each time, I decided to go back and said "I'll know the first day if I'm done". The benefit was not that I might decide to stay at the job, the benefit was that it allowed me to be 100% certain that I was making the right choice.
So go back and see what happens. Then you will know.
As for outsourcing and the pressure you put on yourself to do it all. WHY IN GOD'S NAME WOULD YOU DO THAT???
Are you expecting an award for dusting your own windowsills? Here's where my feminism is flipping the fuck out. Do you also feel the need to do your own plumbing? Do you do your own car maintenance?
Do you actually feel the need to do everything you can yourself, or do you just feel the need to do the "wifely" things like cooking and cleaning?
If it's just the "wifely" tasks you don't feel comfortable outsourcing, then you need to think long and hard about that, and about what example you are setting for your child.
If there is any task around the house that you feel comfortable outsourcing, then you should also feel comfortable outsourcing any other tasks that are getting in the way of you maintaining balance. You and your family need a thriving wife and mother far, FAR more than they need you to scrub bits of shit from a toilet bowl when you just came home from earning nearly $1000 that day.
Now I want to compare and contrast our situations.
I left work when covid hit, just like you. I had been the much higher earner, just like you. With my free time, I kept my house spotless, I started cooking far more complex and delicious meals, and I felt much better overall, just like you do, because my job had been aggravating my illness, which had left me feeling burnt out, just like you.
Then I got a job offer for a related but much easier job that paid exactly 180K, just like you. DH and I went for a long walk and talked through how we would handle the housework, because there was no way I could handle work, and cooking, and cleaning. DH offered to cook, but I hate his cooking, so we outsourced that. DH would handle the daily cleaning, but we like a weekly thorough clean, so we outsourced that as well, so that it wouldn't eat into our now more limited time together. For about a tenth of my income, we would both maintain our excellent life balance.
I felt zero guilt about any of this because none of these had ever been "my" chores until I stopped working. Back when I was working full time and making even more than 180K, I never did any "wifely" domestic work, absolutely none.
For the first 5 years we lived together, DH did almost all of the cooking except on special occasions. He did all of the cleaning, took care of the dogs, which were mine from before I moved in. My work was too demanding, so he did literally everything. The only housework I did was the "manly" stuff like home repairs and renos, because I'm the handy one.
So why am I so comfortable *not* doing these tasks and why do you feel compelled to do them?
I'm guessing it's because I was raised in a matriarchal family where the men generally do a lot of those tasks, so I feel exactly zero obligation to do them unless I have the time, energy, and inclination to do so.
Incidentally that 180K job didn't work out for my health, I went back to being a housewife, and I happily cook amazing meals, and keep the house spotless, and today I'm swapping out the bathroom faucet for a cool gold one and putting up tile on the wall. I do all of these things because I enjoy them, and me not working right now is the best for me and my family.
So why do you feel like you have to do these domestic tasks, even when you are overloaded with work and your special needs child?
Think about it seriously, where is that pressure coming from, and do you really want to be the type of woman who puts that patriarchal bullshit pressure on *herself*??? Even when your own husband isn't expecting it???
Instead, put pressure on yourself to be as healthy and present as possible for yourself and for your family. What does it take for you to be the healthiest you possible? There's absolutely no honour in this martyr bullshit where you run yourself into the ground. There is A LOT of honour in keeping yourself mentally and physically happy and capable, because no one else in this world can do that for you.
Don't let some nonsense you picked up as a child about what a wife should do drag you down. You and your family get to forge your own definitions of what your role should look like. If that's you being a happy housewife, then great. If that's you being a high earning professional and outsourcing tasks that you don't have energy to do, then great. If it's something else, then great.
Do what WORKS for you and your family, not what some bullshit internalized patriarchal pressure tells you that you should be able to do, even when you know you can't.
