@ simplecycle - Does the following change your opinion -
The financial issue that keeps me up at night right now is ... that we have a past due tax bill to the IRS that is 145% of my gross annual income.
We’d have to sell the house to pay off the tax debt (gigantic weight off of me).
Our budget has to make room for (1) getting out of debt to the IRS so it stops compounding and I can breathe again; (2) meeting his court ordered child support obligations for the teenager; (3) staying current on our mortgage for now (and seriously considering selling the house and downsizing to help with the debt issue); (4) saving for retirement; and (5) paying for college for the older kids and saving at least something for college for our child.
How sure are you that selling the house will solve all of your problems? You will still need a place to live, so after selling this one you will likely need another one. And you've probably priced this out with a house that YOU would be ok in, smaller and in a less prestigious neighborhood. But you have a partner with his own needs and wants, so how likely is it that he would be ok with that smaller house that you based solely on your own needs?
So, how much money would you actually net after the sale and purchase of another living space (that meets both of your needs)? Would it ACTUALLY wipe out your tax bill? Or would selling this house, compromising and getting a house that *neither* of you like, and STILL having a outstanding tax bill, just make things even worse?
Homework for you and report back:
1. Find out where your husband truly stands on the house. This is not a conversation that you abandon after 5 mins... probe and ask questions and spend a good 45 mins or an hour. Keep approaching it from different angles (if he is taking the conversation well of course), and maybe come back again later to clarify things after you've digested what he says if you work better with taking some time to process things. The GOAL of this conversation is to explore and both of you agree on the possibility of an acceptable compromise on the house. Which means if you can get guide him to disconnect *THIS* house in particular from what he needs, that leads to the possibility of meeting his housing needs with an alternative. Just kind of go with your gut and let the conversation evolve naturally, I put a few potential ideas for questions:
"Hey DH, can I ask you a question? I know you are really attached to this house, and moving is something you aren't interested in, and in the past if I suggested moving you were not interested. That tells me that I am not understanding what is important to you and I'd like to learn. Can you tell me what this house in particular means to you? What does it give you?"
"Hypothetically, what about moving to a different house upsets you? I've noticed before that you seem upset if I ever bring up the possibility of moving. I don't want to make you upset so I want to know what about this house is better than others."
"It seems that moving houses seems to be a dealbreaker for you. I'm just curious why. What about this house in particular is so important? I think I just don't understand your needs and I would like to."
"What types of things you you care about in a home? I really care about lots of sunlight and a nice kitchen with a good layout. How about you?"
"What if you could have most of the things you care about in a different home?"
"Sometimes I get kind of worried about how expensive this house is. Does that ever bother you? Why/Why not?"
"What kinds of things about a neighborhood are important to you?"
"How do you see us growing into this house in the next 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?" (asking questions about how he envisions the future are especially revealing and help you understand his thought process/plan!)
Maybe he is reluctant to go through the stress of moving again. Maybe he is best friends with the neighbor. Maybe this house has the perfect arrangement of rooms that he really, really likes. Maybe it was his dream from childhood to live in this particular neighborhood. Maybe he just feels that he has roots here in this house and feels comfortable there, and leaving is very disruptive. You just don't know, so find out.
2. On another day, talk to him about the tax bill and how stressed out by it you are.The first requirement for this conversation is that he empathize with your feeling and get into problem solving mode. If he is incapable of focusing on your feelings and instead stonewalls you/disregards you/etc, then he could be a lost cause. But usually, the sentence below is a good opener that encourages empathy and problem solving from the listener.
"I feel really insecure and nervous about our taxes that we owe. It makes me think of how precarious financially we are, and I wake up every day stressed about this. Can we talk about a plan to help so this isn't so stressful?"
"I really need there to be a plan for us to get rid of this bill completely before 2021/2 years (or whatever), that would make me feel a lot better! What can we do to make that happen? Do you have any ideas?"
"How should we tackle this together? I just don't understand what the plan is or what we are doing about it. Do we have a plan? Can we talk about it?"
3. **IF*** after your house conversation, you both agree that there could be some acceptable compromise for both of you on the house AND the move to a different, compromise house would make a "good enough" impact on your tax bill, try to get to the point of connecting the stress about the house to the stress of the tax bill."I know I mentioned this before, but what if we sold the house, got another one like we talked about the other day, and then could use the proceeds to pay off a good chunk of the bill? I know it isn't ideal, but I'm really having a hard time and this seems like it could work. What do you think? What are your concerns?"
Now, these conversations may be scary and/or uncomfortable or awkward because you both are not used to talking like this. However, doing so would give you (and us) a LOT more information (on his mindset, ability to compromise and work with you, and his financial plans or lack thereof) for us to work with and help make a plan for you to move forward out of this rut.