Thank you :)
My dad's place is in peaceful suburb not far from Boston. I think it would be pretty restful, especially because the in-law suite has a separate entrance so I would get some privacy. I've also been talking to my suburb-of-Philly friend a bit more about me moving in. He asked if I wanted to house-sit for a month this summer while he takes his family overseas, so that could be a good test run. The parks non-profit still hasn't gotten back to me when they said they would, so I nudged them for an update. I think what I decide to do re: taking a train out West, or breaking my lease and living with my dad or friend will hinge on what their answer is. 6 months isn't a long time, and like you said JAYSLOL I can use that time to get my license, maybe a car, and hatch a concrete exit strategy without burning through my savings. If I don't get it, I either go back to the temp agency or straight up break my lease and move in with my dad or friend like Metalcat suggests.
I'm having feelings of doubts/second thoughts about my decision that I'm trying to cope with. The survivalist in me (who is very loud and very frantic) is panicking about voluntarily throwing away a completely secure job (they never fire anyone), a solid paycheck and full health insurance coverage. This is the rationalization that kept me here for so long: the job is, by definition, dealing with a ton of unbelievable bullshit, but so are a lot of jobs, and this one isn't likely to get pulled out from under me. I know that other jobs with benefits exist, and that trading my daily happiness and mental health for financial security is not exactly the best trade-off, especially when I don't have any chronic health issues that require regular health insurance usage. I guess because this is the first job I got that provided that security, it feels like it's going to be extremely difficult to find something else that will, but maybe that's an old script like Metalcat said.
So I'm trying to remind myself that I don't really know what else is out there and I'm only able to imagine what my limited experience has shown me. That I get one shot at this life, and I know for sure that this isn't what I want to be doing with it. That money isn't a reason to live. That happiness can be found in many places, and it's up to me to find it. That I can't cling to a stable-but-unhappy life just because it feels "safe." That safety is an illusion. That my friends love and support me and were overjoyed when I told them I put in my notice. There isn't anyone in my life (including you kind people!) who thinks this is a bad decision. Even reminding myself of all these things, I feel totally unmoored, but of course I do--I'm making major life changes.
Last summer I saw an old friend that I hadn't seen in many years. She was asking where I was living and what I was doing for work, and when I told her, she had this utterly baffled, disbelieving look on her face and bluntly asked, "Why?!" I was a little insulted in the moment, but I couldn't stop thinking about it: Why? Why am I living here? Why am I doing this job? The fact that I didn't have an answer besides "basic survival" was disturbing and stuck in my mind up until now. It felt like I didn't have reasonable options, but maybe it's just because I didn't/don't know what options there are.
This isn't survival instinct. It's the natural bias to perceive whatever you are doing as the safer option.
No matter how bad, toxic, or risky someone's current situation is, the stupid human brain applies a "safety" premium to it that makes it feel really risky to give it up.
This is the basis for fear of change.
In reality what you have done is take a guaranteed risk of being unhappy and traded it for an unknown risk. But the truth is you are perfectly capable of creating a safer future for yourself by eliminating the known risk of being unhappy doing what you were doing.
You aren't craving actual safety, you are afraid of the unknown and raving certainty.
The more psychologically flexible you are and the more comfortable you can be with the unknown, the better you will actually be at building a more robust, secure, and happy life for yourself.
The number one risk most people take in life is being afraid of the unknown.
Being willing to not know what the future holds is NOT the same as being aimless or reckless. In fact, it's the opposite.
Because you've never done what it takes to build a happy, healthy, optimal life, you don't yet trust yourself to do what it takes. You worry that the best you could do was the life that made you unhappy. You don't yet *know* that you can do that.
You have to actually start doing it to build the faith in yourself that you can.
This is literally how you approach any new challenge in life. You have to face that you don't know for sure if you can do it, but you put in your best effort and try, and if you are determined enough, and the goal is obtainable, you will very likely succeed.
Right now you're like a freshman at college terrified that you might fail. Everyone who has completed college thinks your fears are naive and quaint, but to you, they feel real.
Well, that's how happy people are looking at you right now. Staying in your old life would be like a highschool graduate avoiding college because of fear of failure. You've already made the decision and now you're just intimidated by it, but anyone who has been there thinks that fear is kind of cute because the chances of you failing to build a happier life compared to being miserable is pretty low if you just put in the work.
I am very comfortable with uncertainty. In fact, if my life is exactly the same in 10 years, I'll be pissed. Lol.
This past year I had to agree to a surgery that could possibly result in above the knee amputation. That unknown was scary, but I trust myself so much to make my life great that I knew I would still have a great life. No matter what happens, I know I have the skills to cultivate a full and happy life.
I have that faith because when push came to shove, that's what I did. When things that felt safe were taken away or I had to walk away, I always found a way to learn from it and make my life better and happier.
Building a happy life is a skill you have to learn. You learn it by doing.
If you waste your life doing shit that isn't happy or healthy, you never get to learn this skill. You may have no clue how to build your best life. That's normal, you haven't learned how to yet. Get on learning that.
But sticking with what doesn't work and failing to learn that isn't "safe" at all.
That's like staying in a horrible marriage because you don't believe anyone decent will ever love you. That's not safety, that's familiarity.
It's going to take effort to figure out your best path forward, but effort is way more enjoyable than festering.
Think of it this way, imagine you are horribly unhealthy, weak, out of shape, obese, and your doctor has told you you have type 2 diabetes. Continuing to live your unhealthy lifestyle is comfortable but going to destroy you. Overhauling your entire lifestyle is intimidating and you have no faith that you can even do it. You've read about people trying to lose weight who have ended up heavier in the end.
But sticking with the unhealthy routine you know is guaranteed to destroy you. Figuring out how to build a healthy lifestyle is a matter of getting the right information, the right supports, and putting in smart forms of effort.
You're only going to end up worse off if you don't seek out the right supports along the way and don't figure out what skills you need to succeed. Your biggest risk is to over complicate it.
You have everything you need to figure out how to build your best life. The biggest barrier to that was your previous job. The whole world of possibilities is open to you now and there is SO MUCH MORE security in having options than in being stuck with something that is actively bad for you.
Familiar DOES NOT equal safer.
