Advice father's headstone

[MountainTown]

My brother, sister, and I have basically split my father's funeral expenses 3 ways. My father died October of 2018. We got along pretty well but one thing that I resented is despite me trying to be involved in the decisions there were certain things that my sister or brother just took control of. For example, my brother and sister insisted on a fully catered luncheon and rented restaurant space after the funeral. It was nice I agree...but it tacked on another $1200  and I just resented that I couldn't even discuss how to make something similar happen for half the cost.

Regardless, all that passed...the inheritance has passed to us. And again I have some bitterness about things but for the most part I am over the petty things my sister did like take most of the furniture and belongings.

Right now my brother is working on the headstone. Long story short my father already had a plot next to his parents. He always wanted to be buried by them. The problem is the cemetery made some mistake a long time ago with their boundaries that means that whatever my father's plot is, is now encroached on by their plot. This means that his gravestone has to be slightly 8 inches less than what my bro and sis wanted.

Grandpa and grandma have a joint headstone so let's say it's six feet wide, the idea is Dad's would be adjacent and three feet wide for ratio's sake.

Anyways, the whole time I have kind of thought...what's the big deal in eight inches? I mean it's not ideal but I just can't picture going to a cemetery and commenting on who's stone is too small.

So now my brother is talking about literally paying a guy who will dig up my grandparents' stones....move them to their proper boundary and this will allow room for my Dad's. Family is in agreement(re: grandparents) but long story short we would pay most of the costs(us 3). That means now we are talking about a $6000 headstone.

The funeral all said and done cost around $10,000 so not bad but not cheap by any stretch. We did each inherit approximately $30,000 in stocks so I think my brother and sister see that as money that should goto dad's burial costs no matter what.

I think I am building some resentment because I just have no say in the matter and yet I have to split the costs. There have been times when a threw a retirement party for my mother and my bro didn't even offer to show up, let alone split the costs. Now I feel like I am being guilted into something that is really his thing. I can't imagine my Dad would have been offended about 8 inches shaved off his stone.

I am thinking about telling my brother in the kindest way possible....that $1000 is my contribution and that's it. If he and my sister want to dig up the cemetery...they can pay the rest.

Thoughts? Am I being stingy? And if so...at what point do we draw a line?

[PoutineLover]

That seems pretty ridiculous but people get all worked up about death and loss so you're dealing with emotion and not logic. The size of the headstone definitely doesn't matter to your father, and doesn't matter to you, so it's really just your brother and sister, and your relationship to them that is at play here. If you feel strongly about not spending the money, and think that you can convince them to listen to your point of view, tell them you will contribute your third to the cost of installing a headstone that fits in the available space. I'm sure your father would rather you use the money he left you for something useful, and not a vanity project that involves digging up his parents grave.
This might risk your sister and brother resenting you and bad mouthing you, so you have to decide if it's worth it. If you think your relationship can survive the conflict, go with your principles and explain your point of view and the amount of money you feel is appropriate. If you're not willing to risk it, suck it up and pay the money in the name of family harmony, but then let go and move past so you aren't hanging onto resentment forever.

[MountainTown]

Good advice Poutine. I kinda feel like I have been bad mouthed already. I'm not sure the impact would have--like you said it's a risk. Is $1000 worth a ruptured relationship? No...but I also don't like feeling at hostage or something for his whims.

[Villanelle]

If the cemetery made the mistake, why would they not pay to fix it?  That's where I'd start.   

[MountainTown]

Villa,

I am of the same mind there. I think my brother has pushed a little but not enough. Frankly I think he has a lot of pride about negotiating. To him negotiating means cheap. Again, at this point it's his thing so I doubt he will take much feedback from me on that.

[Villanelle]

Villa,

I am of the same mind there. I think my brother has pushed a little but not enough. Frankly I think he has a lot of pride about negotiating. To him negotiating means cheap. Again, at this point it's his thing so I doubt he will take much feedback from me on that.

Well since you are the one who doesn't want to go with their plan, I'd say the onus is kind of on you.  They have a solution that works for them, so making them do the leg work for you solution doesn't seem especially fair (or likely).  I'd get on the phone *immediately* and tell your bro you'd like to try your hand at talking to the cemetery, without being in any way critical of how he's handled it so far. 

[MountainTown]

Fair enough.

[Cassie]

Shitty situation all the way around. If you don't split are you okay with the relationship ending or never being the same? I don't like being blackmailed either but the money you all inherited can cover all the costs and still have money left over so that's one way to look at it. The 3 of you aren't really paying any of your Dad's expenses since you all inherited more then the total cost.

[Frankies Girl]

If you received an inheritance, then I'd likely let it go if you have a strained relationship already. If it was coming directly out of your own pocket, then I'd likely speak up and tell them nicely that this is not something you're putting more than X amount of $.

If not strained, I'd just tell them that you'll chip in X and leave it at that. They can decide if they want to go ahead if they aren't getting it split evenly.

I'd personally just keep repeating "I don't think dad would have cared, or wanted us to waste his money doing this. A smaller stone isn't going to offend him and I think it would look nicer anyway. If you want to do this, then that's totally your call, but I won't be chipping in on that part because I feel like dad would have hated the fuss." And then just keep saying "I love you, but I am not going to do this because I don't agree with it."

Your dad is beyond caring and this is more for your siblings and needing to make things PERFECT as some sort of loving gesture (money = love when it comes to death unfortunately) that proves that your dad was important to them. The funeral industry knows this and they make bank off of gullible, vulnerable people driven by emotion instead of logic.

Consider the amounts spent as a from your dad's pocket in order to make your siblings happy. It's less coming to you, but you're beyond lucky to receive anything, and as long as they aren't being insanely stupid about it (like goldplated caskets and hiring mourners to cry at graveside every Wednesday for the next 20 years), deep breath, realize you're more logical and less driven by emotions and let them have this.

[Miss Piggy]

I'd personally just keep repeating "I don't think dad would have cared, or wanted us to waste his money doing this. A smaller stone isn't going to offend him and I think it would look nicer anyway. If you want to do this, then that's totally your call, but I won't be chipping in on that part because I feel like dad would have hated the fuss." And then just keep saying "I love you, but I am not going to do this because I don't agree with it."

I agree with this. And I might add something like, "Would Dad agree with his money being spent for this? Because that's essentially what we'd be doing. I think if Dad would have found out about the error while he was alive, he would have scoffed at the idea of moving his parents' headstone after all these years to accommodate a bigger one for himself." 

[iris lily]

Sigh. Humans are insane. It is crackers to go thru this headstone moving exercise.

But carry on as best you can OP to get the thing resolved with as little bitter overflow as possible.

I know someone who does not have money and probably never has had money even when she was working before retirement,


She  dug up her dead cat from a commercial pet cemetery (another crazy expense)  to take remains with her to another place out of state where she buried cat in yet another commercially maintained pet cemetery. Cwaaaaazy.