Author Topic: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.  (Read 3051 times)

lifeminimalized

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A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« on: April 16, 2017, 10:04:30 PM »
Just turned 31, very unsatisfied with where I stand right now. Literally from my diet, social network, financial status and career choice. I have so much disappointment in myself right now in respect to how much slack I have allowed in my leash of "life".

I want a new social network, as 3/4 of those I have met, friended, or made an acquaintance I'm not fond of today. I'm naturally a very respectful person and because of this I have allowed people to enter my life who I would otherwise not have if I had more of a spine. Think along the lines of being too nice and biting your tongue too much. Being afraid to stay true to your own infrastructure and beliefs in fear of how others would perceive you. For this I have thought of cutting all contact, deleting social media, resetting my contact list on my phone, and starting from square one. I can then filter later on who I want to stay in touch with.

I also hate to say it, but I want to remain local. Stick around my family, which unfortunately means I will remain in an area where people know who I am, went to high school with me, and either like me or don't like me. Because of this I'm sure it will be a little more difficult to completely start a new life, however I need to counter that with as much mental motivation as I can to remain confident I'm progressing in my goal of really secluding myself and focusing on my cleanse.

Financially I know what needs to be done, I just need to put it in motion.

Diet, I also know what needs to be done, again just need to put it in motion.

In the end, Im an all in or nothing kind of person. I can not mentally stay motivated unless I completely devote 150% of myself to the commitment. If I don't, I figure "whats the point", and I end up fizzling out of whatever trend I'm trying to maintain.

So to consolidate this, how would you completely hit the reset button on your social network, and ultimately your entire life while staying local?

Thanks in advance.

milliemchi

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2017, 10:35:20 PM »
Well, since 150% of any effort can never be sustained, I don't think that's a viable plan. Read up a bit on black/white thinking, it comes together with other unhealthy worldviews which escape me now. I'm sure others will be able to give a better list. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is there to combat such unhealthy thought patterns and establish realistic ones. Here, black/white thinking shows in the desire to completely erase your life and start over. Since there are redeeming qualities in most human beings, if you have 10+ people that are acquaintances or you befriended, there has to be at least a couple that are worthy of maintaining contact with, and who may even be able to support you through this makeover. Another area of black/white thinking is applying yourself either 0 or 100% (150% percent is of course impossible). Of course it is possible to make more gradual changes, with more gradual results, the pace of which is sustainable. People do this every day. If you cannot do this, I would consult CBT again. The reason I suggest therapy is that you are telling us about a history of unhealthy thought patterns that are not satisfying to you, that do not give the results you want, and that you have been unable to escape. Curing that will have a bigger impact on achieving your life goals than wiping your life clean to start over without true changes. To quote: "don't confuse motion with action".

lhamo

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2017, 10:46:38 PM »
I agree that you will find it hard to maintain this "150% or nothing" approach -- you might find reading some books about habit formation (The POwer of Habit and Better than Before are both good) helpful as you strategize how to move toward the positive/permanent changes you are trying to implement.

For cutting ties with people who drag you down, try Henry Cloud's book "Necessary Endings" -- it has similar stuff to his book Boundaries, which is also often recommended, but less of the religious baggage.

Some blogs/podcasts that focus a lot on life optimization and self-actualization that you might find useful:

James Altucher (also check out his book Choose Yourself)
Tim Ferris
The Art of Charm


I think if you focus on being the person you really want to be, in an authentic but non-judgmental way, you will find your social circle naturally changing.   No need to be dramatic about it.   Set good boundaries with people who have taken advantage of you in the past, and build positive relationships with the people who seem to be living the kind of authentic life you aspire to.
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jooniFLORisploo

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2017, 11:15:07 PM »
To reset my social network while staying local, I would (in this order):

1. Burn no bridges, just function as though the non-desired contacts aren't around.

2. Join positive, gregarious groups via Meetup, community centres, library, spirituality, etc. i.e., There are all kinds of groups, but only some are positive, welcoming, inclusive, gregarious, friendly, etc. I would spend time only on those ones. We can't know what type of group it is by activity: some hiking groups are standoffish; some meditation groups are very warm. You will know within 2-3 events which type a group is. Don't self-exclude or limit by externals (name of religion, type of food, etc). Any group not friendly, jump ship, preserving your time for those that are.

3. Be bold. Smile warmly, walk up to strangers, introduce yourself, jot down names to help you remember for next time, use their name so they know they count/matter to you. Be a "host" or "cohost" with everyone you meet, even if you're new and they've been there 20 years.

4. Take a turn speaking. i.e., Listen very well, and when it's your natural turn, do speak genuinely.

5. When you find the Awesome, contribute (without stepping on toes). Listen for where they need volunteers and offer. Show up and do every single tiny commitment well. This lets them get to know the person who is new to them.

6. Invite one or some for tea (your place, coffee shop).

MrsPB

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2017, 07:08:39 AM »
I highly recommend the podcast Happier by Gretchen Rubin (her book Better Than Before is mentioned above). Short podcasts discussing real life strategies for even the most seemingly minor issues/challenges in one's life. Very relatable and lots of focus on self awareness and how different strategies work for different personality types.

MrsPB

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2017, 07:18:25 AM »
Regarding social media, I got rid of Facebook a couple of years ago. I deactivated my account for a couple months first but then deleted it after. I did miss the photos of friends and family and their kids, plus I live far from everyone so I got an instagram and was very selective about who I invited and followed. It's been great. Instagram has way less rabbit holes to go down and annoying rants/posts/politics etc. It's mainly happy photos from those I care about. It's made a big difference and seems a happy medium between isolating myself and being consumed by social media. I'm
a sensitive person and I found myself wasting time and energy  getting annoyed or irritated by people's Facebook posts, yet I didn't want to unfriend them for fear of being 'mean'. It was less stressful emotionally to just cut everyone and quietly start up my Instagram account.
Edited to add: I did post in my fb about my planned deactivation and subsequent closing of account, and left that to fit a couple of weeks with my email address. That way I didn't just disappear and those that really cared could make contact with a little effort. Kind of an auto filter system, and ample opportunity for people to maintain contact if they/I wanted.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2017, 08:36:33 AM by MrsPB »

Laura33

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2017, 07:48:27 AM »
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.  The best way to live your new you is just to live it -- be you, the real you, all the time.  You don't need dramatic gestures like erasing your contact list; the next time you are hanging out with someone who crosses a boundary, tell them you don't appreciate that.  Some people will behave better when you are clear on where your boundaries are and may become real friends; the ones who aren't willing to do that will naturally drift away to find someone else to leech off of.

The problem with the all-or-nothing approach is it ignores and buries why you made the choices you did in the first place, which leaves you susceptible to falling back into your old ways.  I second the notion of a therapist to help you work through this.  But if you are not willing to do that, do a lot of hard thinking on your own about why you made the choices you did -- you made them for a reason, because they met some need you had.  You need to figure out what those needs are so that you can find a better way to meet them that is more in line with your long-term goals.

I will give you an example from my own life:  I got into a rut at work where I was wasting hours every day putzing on the internet -- at times to the point where I was not even getting my work done.  I spent a long time beating myself up for that (lazy, unfocused, [insert epithet here]).  And then I started to think really hard about *why* I kept doing that -- and I forced myself to move past the simplistic "because I'm a lazy good-for-nothing loser" stock response.  And I realized it was because when I was at home, I was always going in seven different directions -- full-time job, two small kids (one with major ADHD/anxiety), spouse with another full-time job, house, pets, etc.  But I am an introvert; I need downtime that is quiet and just me.  So when I was running around taking care of other people all night/every weekend, I wasn't giving myself any downtime, and so my clever brain figured out its own workaround to get what it needed (just in a very self-defeating way).  Once I realized why I was doing what I was doing -- that is, once I understood that it was an unmet need and not a character flaw -- I was able to build in more downtime for myself at night and on the weekends, so I came back to work a little more refreshed and was better able to focus on the job. 

It's still not a success-only journey (here it is 9:48 AM and I am on MMM instead of tackling the giant pile of steaming shit that awaits my return from vacation).  But being more conscious of what is actually driving the negative behavior has helped me find better ways to meet the real, legitimate needs that pushed me in that direction.
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milliemchi

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2017, 08:01:07 AM »
I will give you an example from my own life:  I got into a rut at work where I was wasting hours every day putzing on the internet -- at times to the point where I was not even getting my work done.  I spent a long time beating myself up for that (lazy, unfocused, [insert epithet here]).  And then I started to think really hard about *why* I kept doing that -- and I forced myself to move past the simplistic "because I'm a lazy good-for-nothing loser" stock response.  And I realized it was because when I was at home, I was always going in seven different directions -- full-time job, two small kids (one with major ADHD/anxiety), spouse with another full-time job, house, pets, etc.  But I am an introvert; I need downtime that is quiet and just me.  So when I was running around taking care of other people all night/every weekend, I wasn't giving myself any downtime, and so my clever brain figured out its own workaround to get what it needed (just in a very self-defeating way).  Once I realized why I was doing what I was doing -- that is, once I understood that it was an unmet need and not a character flaw -- I was able to build in more downtime for myself at night and on the weekends, so I came back to work a little more refreshed and was better able to focus on the job. 

Oh, thank you for that paragraph. This is totally me. I suspected as much, but how can one be sure? Your experience reinforces what I think I need to do.

Cwadda

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2017, 08:19:08 AM »
Quote
Just turned 31, very unsatisfied with where I stand right now. Literally from my diet, social network, financial status and career choice. I have so much disappointment in myself right now in respect to how much slack I have allowed in my leash of "life".

I want a new social network, as 3/4 of those I have met, friended, or made an acquaintance I'm not fond of today. I'm naturally a very respectful person and because of this I have allowed people to enter my life who I would otherwise not have if I had more of a spine. Think along the lines of being too nice and biting your tongue too much. Being afraid to stay true to your own infrastructure and beliefs in fear of how others would perceive you. For this I have thought of cutting all contact, deleting social media, resetting my contact list on my phone, and starting from square one. I can then filter later on who I want to stay in touch with.

I also hate to say it, but I want to remain local. Stick around my family, which unfortunately means I will remain in an area where people know who I am, went to high school with me, and either like me or don't like me. Because of this I'm sure it will be a little more difficult to completely start a new life, however I need to counter that with as much mental motivation as I can to remain confident I'm progressing in my goal of really secluding myself and focusing on my cleanse.

I'd argue the drastic measures you're considering won't work in the long-run. You need to change your mindset and change your thinking completely. This is not achieved by "erasing everything" to start over. How could you be certain the negative thoughts would simply go away? I wouldn't count on it.

This is really something that starts with the mind, and can be improved by literally changing the way you view things about the world.

I'd highly recommend therapy, and like another poster mentioned, cognitive behavioral therapy is a good place to start. Therapy is one of the best investments I've ever made. The resulting satisfaction and happiness far exceeds any amount of money.

milliemchi

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2017, 08:28:22 AM »
I don't know what your attitudes toward therapy are, but I assure you that it is not about fixing broken people, it is about education.  A lot of it is stuff your parents should have taught you at home, but they didn't. Just like with 'regular' education, the more you get, the better your life will be. High school dropouts get by, but their quality of life is typically not where it could be. Same with psychoeducation (yes, it's a thing) education in pshychology. (edited to fix hasty typing)
« Last Edit: April 17, 2017, 08:55:52 AM by milliemchi »

Cwadda

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2017, 08:36:05 AM »
I don't know what your attitudes toward therapy are, but I assure you that it is not about fixing broken people, it is about education.  A lot of it is stuff your parents should have taught you at home, but they didn't. Just like with 'regular' education, the more you get, the better your life will be. High school dropouts get by, but their quality of life is typically not where it could be. Same with psychoeducation (yes, it's a thing).

+1

There is a negative stigma towards therapy for two primary reasons
1. That it's just for problems like addictions and torn families. I'd consider myself to be the happiest I've ever been. I still go to therapy once a month.
2. That it's not on par with going to the doctor's office. Basically, watered down medicine. Which is ironic, simply talking about things and educating yourself is actually a superior option to medicines. Meds should be used as a last resort.

golden1

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2017, 08:50:49 AM »
My instinct on reading this is that problem doesn't lie with things external to you, but with something inside yourself and how you are viewing the meaning of your life.  I have been where you are, and I will just say that no matter how hard you try and how far you run, you won't get anywhere unless you reckon with yourself. 

I second the recommendation of CBT, starting with "Feeling Good" by David Burns.

Laura's post is excellent by the way, particularly this which is kind of an epiphany for me:

Quote
I will give you an example from my own life:  I got into a rut at work where I was wasting hours every day putzing on the internet -- at times to the point where I was not even getting my work done.  I spent a long time beating myself up for that (lazy, unfocused, [insert epithet here]).  And then I started to think really hard about *why* I kept doing that -- and I forced myself to move past the simplistic "because I'm a lazy good-for-nothing loser" stock response.  And I realized it was because when I was at home, I was always going in seven different directions -- full-time job, two small kids (one with major ADHD/anxiety), spouse with another full-time job, house, pets, etc.  But I am an introvert; I need downtime that is quiet and just me.  So when I was running around taking care of other people all night/every weekend, I wasn't giving myself any downtime, and so my clever brain figured out its own workaround to get what it needed (just in a very self-defeating way).  Once I realized why I was doing what I was doing -- that is, once I understood that it was an unmet need and not a character flaw -- I was able to build in more downtime for myself at night and on the weekends, so I came back to work a little more refreshed and was better able to focus on the job. 

Wow...  This is me except that instead of two small kids, I have two teenagers, one with high functioning autism and one with anxiety and other issues.  I get home and I am running - either making dinner, prepping for the next day, or running errands.  I often don't get time to myself until the last hour before bed.  Even my weekends are filled with activities and such.  In the last year I found myself frittering away my time at work way more often than I should and it just raises my anxiety level more overall.  It's a really self-defeating spiral. 

milliemchi

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2017, 08:54:19 AM »
I don't know what your attitudes toward therapy are, but I assure you that it is not about fixing broken people, it is about education.  A lot of it is stuff your parents should have taught you at home, but they didn't. Just like with 'regular' education, the more you get, the better your life will be. High school dropouts get by, but their quality of life is typically not where it could be. Same with psychoeducation (yes, it's a thing).

OK, I just looked up 'psychoeducation' on Wikipedia, and it's not what I had in mind - oops. Never mind that. I meant education about human psychology.

sw1tch

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2017, 08:58:22 AM »
I will give you an example from my own life:  I got into a rut at work where I was wasting hours every day putzing on the internet -- at times to the point where I was not even getting my work done.  I spent a long time beating myself up for that (lazy, unfocused, [insert epithet here]).  And then I started to think really hard about *why* I kept doing that -- and I forced myself to move past the simplistic "because I'm a lazy good-for-nothing loser" stock response.  And I realized it was because when I was at home, I was always going in seven different directions -- full-time job, two small kids (one with major ADHD/anxiety), spouse with another full-time job, house, pets, etc.  But I am an introvert; I need downtime that is quiet and just me.  So when I was running around taking care of other people all night/every weekend, I wasn't giving myself any downtime, and so my clever brain figured out its own workaround to get what it needed (just in a very self-defeating way).  Once I realized why I was doing what I was doing -- that is, once I understood that it was an unmet need and not a character flaw -- I was able to build in more downtime for myself at night and on the weekends, so I came back to work a little more refreshed and was better able to focus on the job.

Add me to the list! A light bulb just went off for me. Thank you for this.  That has been my default response ("why are you so lazy") for sooooo long.  I think I'm discovering that lonely exercise (such as biking) really helps me wind down.
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lifeminimalized

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2017, 09:24:30 AM »
Appreciate the responses. I come from a military background so a lot of it (B&W thinking) has stemmed from that experience.

I have resources available at the VA, I'm going to look into therapy to combat B&W behavior.



milliemchi

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2017, 09:40:41 AM »
Therapists can be invaluable. I would also suggest reading a lot on your own, before, during, and/or after therapy - starting with 'Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies', for example. If you are the kind of guy/gal who likes tinkering and DIY, it will be a great resource. Also a lot of cheesy articles online (e.g., positive thinking), topical books by therapists, etc., offer the same advice you may be given in therapy, and they help to reinforce the message. I've seen a lot of good books by various licensed clinical social workers (LCSW).

As for that list of distorted thinking types I mentioned earlier, ater a 2-second google query, I ran across

http://www.cognitivetherapyguide.org/negative-thinking-patterns.htm
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/20-cognitive-distortions-and-how-they-affect-your-life-0407154
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/cognitive_distortions.html

I'm sure you can find your way from there. The important thing is that you are not the first to fall in these traps, it's a very common thing, and it keeps therapists in business. :)

lifeminimalized

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2017, 09:50:01 AM »
I know responses have turned towards not making drastic changes especially without not identifying first why I ended up in this situation in the first place.

However, I'm going to push against the boards with you guys a little. What are some changes I can make to stem motivation?

When I say that, I'm looking for actionable responses such as "Getting up at 5:30 strictly" or taking my time with my daily agenda versus always feeling like I need to get everything done yesterday. I feel like going against the grain that so many follow tempo wise always being go-go-go would benefit me.

For example, thinking things through, and taking my time, always being in control of the situation and calm. Versus in a rush, stressed, quick to act.

I feel hitting the tempo button to slow it down in itself would allow me to feel a lot more in control, organized, and efficient. The flip side of this, is so much of employment today is cut throat go-go-go it may be difficult to carry that lifestyle.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2017, 09:51:39 AM by lifeminimalized »

milliemchi

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #17 on: April 17, 2017, 09:55:01 AM »
I know responses have turned towards not making drastic changes especially without not identifying first why I ended up in this situation in the first place.

However, I'm going to push against the boards with you guys a little. What are some changes I can make to stem motivation?

When I say that, I'm looking for actionable responses such as "Getting up at 5:30 strictly" or taking my time with my daily agenda versus always feeling like I need to get everything done yesterday. I feel like going against the grain that so many follow tempo wise always being go-go-go would benefit me.

For example, thinking things through, and taking my time, always being in control of the situation and calm. Versus in a rush, stressed, quick to act.

I feel hitting the tempo button to slow it down in itself would allow me to feel a lot more in control, organized, and efficient. The flip side of this, is so much of employment today is cut throat go-go-go it may be difficult to carry that lifestyle.

Well, all that is a muscle that is slowly strengthened over time.

milliemchi

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #18 on: April 17, 2017, 09:57:49 AM »
I think what lhamo and jooniflorisploo said is very actionable. It's not immediate, but it's likely to work. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

lhamo

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #19 on: April 17, 2017, 09:58:45 AM »
That is actually an excellent place to start.

Maybe when you start feeling rushed/stressed, just take a minute or two to stop, breathe deeply and be more deliberate about your choices.

Introducing short periods of meditation daily, either right after you get up or right before you go to sleep, might also help you relax and be more mindful of how you are operating in your stressful environment.

Again, I strongly recommend some books about habit formation, like The Power of Habit and Better Than Before, so that you understand how best to work toward change.   It is a slow, deliberate process.   
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Tris Prior

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #20 on: April 17, 2017, 11:27:45 AM »
I will give you an example from my own life:  I got into a rut at work where I was wasting hours every day putzing on the internet -- at times to the point where I was not even getting my work done.  I spent a long time beating myself up for that (lazy, unfocused, [insert epithet here]).  And then I started to think really hard about *why* I kept doing that -- and I forced myself to move past the simplistic "because I'm a lazy good-for-nothing loser" stock response.  And I realized it was because when I was at home, I was always going in seven different directions -- full-time job, two small kids (one with major ADHD/anxiety), spouse with another full-time job, house, pets, etc.  But I am an introvert; I need downtime that is quiet and just me.  So when I was running around taking care of other people all night/every weekend, I wasn't giving myself any downtime, and so my clever brain figured out its own workaround to get what it needed (just in a very self-defeating way).  Once I realized why I was doing what I was doing -- that is, once I understood that it was an unmet need and not a character flaw -- I was able to build in more downtime for myself at night and on the weekends, so I came back to work a little more refreshed and was better able to focus on the job. 

Oh, thank you for that paragraph. This is totally me. I suspected as much, but how can one be sure? Your experience reinforces what I think I need to do.

This is totally me too, thank you for putting it in those terms. I don't have kids but in the limited time I have outside of work, I'm running around getting chores done. And, my home computer is dying - it constantly beachballs when I try to do anything at all online and many websites just plain don't work on it as it won't take any more OS upgrades. I guess it's no wonder that I get to the office, where I have a shiny new mac and a zippy Internet connection that rarely craps out like it does at home all the time, and I end up spending way too much time online.

How did you manage to carve out downtime for yourself - just not get things done?

alewpanda

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #21 on: April 17, 2017, 11:30:24 AM »
1. Coming from a place of working in ministry -- where your congregational family is your congregational family -- you will always have to be able to take the good with the bad when it comes to interpersonal relationships.  You can, however, choose the people you allow under your skin, allow in your personal space, and allow to be your confidants.  If you do not have several someones that you trust and involve in your personal thoughts and life, thats your first goal.  The others can simply be "acquaintances" or peripheral people that float in and out when absolutely necessary.

2. Another great goal is to determine your own lifestyle standards and priorities.  I used to let what others thought of my style, preferences, and how I present myself affect how I related to them.  Then I realized that there were lots of people who I interacted with that I valued as a person, even if it didn't agree or share all of their preferences, standards, or beliefs.  When you can realize that each of you (including yourself) gets to determine that privilege and be respected for it, it provides you freedom.   And if someone refuses you that respect, you have an easy "out" of the relationship -- simply tell them that unless mutual respect can be reached, a relationship cannot be continued. 

3. Only when you know what is required of a person for you to trust them, and what beliefs are crucial to yourself, can you determine who in your life might need to be cut off, who may simply needed ignoring or distancing for a bit, and who you can recruit to be your 'tribe'.  Unless you have determined your own values, it will be hard to know who it is that values you.


4. Also, I did not grow up in a small town, but i live in one now, and i see a lot of "once a friend, always a friend; once an enemy, always an enemy".  People change, relationships change.  Your tribe this year may be a different one by a long shot from the people you trust best next year.  Give yourself flexibility and room to adjust.  Find your community: whether faith based, cause based, location based, or interest based, a community is ultimately going to determine a lot of your happiness and even lifestyle.  Oftentimes, simply changing the environment you spend a certain portion of the day or week or even a meal in can expose you to people and communities you didn't even know existed. 

Laura33

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #22 on: April 17, 2017, 11:51:46 AM »
How did you manage to carve out downtime for yourself - just not get things done?

In short, yes.  I actually did all of this as part of a "time audit," where I paid attention to how I spent all my time.  Except whereas most people do that to find ways to cut out wasted time, I started from the perspective of "if I am spending time on it, it must matter to me for *some* reason, so what is it?"  Then I used that self-analysis to try to paint a more realistic picture of what I do and don't value -- e.g., I do value bringing home a paycheck, I do value time with my family, I don't value PTA meetings, I don't value having my house/yard look perfect.  And then I took that and just whacked things at the bottom of the list.  Not coincidentally, most of those things were "shoulds" -- they weren't things I actually cared about as much as they were things that I did because I thought I should.  Fuck it -- life's too short for shoulds. 

And then I also re-defined a "good" weekend to include things like "curl up in my comfy chair and read a book/play a game/watch a favorite show."  Funny, when I started looking at things I enjoy as valuable and useful parts of my life instead of laziness that interferes with accomplishing XYZ, I had no problem fitting them into my life on a daily/weekly basis.  Like yesterday, I was supposed to cut back and tie up my blackberries and weed the front planter.  Instead, I returned Saturday night from an awful vacation more exhausted than when I left.  So Sunday I curled up in my comfy chair until noon; the berries and weeds can wait, and even if I never get around to them at all, who really cares?
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ReadySetMillionaire

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #23 on: April 17, 2017, 12:29:18 PM »
I know responses have turned towards not making drastic changes especially without not identifying first why I ended up in this situation in the first place.

However, I'm going to push against the boards with you guys a little. What are some changes I can make to stem motivation?

When I say that, I'm looking for actionable responses such as "Getting up at 5:30 strictly" or taking my time with my daily agenda versus always feeling like I need to get everything done yesterday. I feel like going against the grain that so many follow tempo wise always being go-go-go would benefit me.

For example, thinking things through, and taking my time, always being in control of the situation and calm. Versus in a rush, stressed, quick to act.

I feel hitting the tempo button to slow it down in itself would allow me to feel a lot more in control, organized, and efficient. The flip side of this, is so much of employment today is cut throat go-go-go it may be difficult to carry that lifestyle.

I would say three things.

1. Be yourself at work. I work in a very white collar law firm, and the stiffness and corporate politics drives me absolutely insane. So a few months ago, and after encouragement from posters on here, I decided to just do what I wanted to do. I brought on my own clients without asking partners (pending a conflict check). I declined work I absolutely did not want to do. I re-organized my office. I even did little things like format letters the way I wanted, used different fonts, refused to include any unnecessary legalese in pleadings, etc. It has made work a lot more tolerable.

2. Similar to #1, be yourself in social settings and only invest in relationships you want to grow.  I too moved back home, and I know what it's like to feel obligated to keep in touch with people just because they are local. But I've basically just ditched people I don't want to associate with and instead used that time to meet new people. I try to meet up with three people per week and it has been an awesome experience. I actually received an offer from another attorney to share space (if I wanted to open a solo firm) for $300/month (basically nothing).

3. Make time for yourself. I used to hate to work out, but now I've realized it's completely time on my own. I wake up at 6:45, make a cup of coffee, spend 20-30 minutes of me time (sometimes doing work, sometimes not), and then I work out for an hour. Nobody can bother me during this time, and I watch whatever TV show I want, so it's great. I also leave work every day for 30 minutes to walk and collect my thoughts.

This isn't exhaustive, but it echo's Laura's sentiments: figure out what you want to do, and invest in that.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2017, 12:58:05 PM by ReadySetMillionaire »
No more zero days. Promise yourself that you will do one thing every day that takes you one step closer to your goal.

zoltani

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #24 on: April 17, 2017, 12:56:44 PM »
I would recommend you read a couple of books:

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
When I say No I feel Guilty by Manuel Smith
“The hardest thing in the world is to simplify your life. It’s so easy to make it complex. What’s important is leading an examined life.”

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Tris Prior

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #25 on: April 17, 2017, 01:02:46 PM »
How did you manage to carve out downtime for yourself - just not get things done?

In short, yes.  I actually did all of this as part of a "time audit," where I paid attention to how I spent all my time.  Except whereas most people do that to find ways to cut out wasted time, I started from the perspective of "if I am spending time on it, it must matter to me for *some* reason, so what is it?"  Then I used that self-analysis to try to paint a more realistic picture of what I do and don't value -- e.g., I do value bringing home a paycheck, I do value time with my family, I don't value PTA meetings, I don't value having my house/yard look perfect.  And then I took that and just whacked things at the bottom of the list.  Not coincidentally, most of those things were "shoulds" -- they weren't things I actually cared about as much as they were things that I did because I thought I should.  Fuck it -- life's too short for shoulds. 


This is kind of brilliant and to avoid hijacking this thread any further I think I am going to do some exploring of this in my journal. Thank you!

MrsPB

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #26 on: April 17, 2017, 01:21:08 PM »
I also recommend a quick and humorous read called The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving A F*ck.
it's a parody but it has some seriously great content that is applicable to real life and how to decide where/when to care and not.

Inaya

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #27 on: April 17, 2017, 02:53:11 PM »
Posting to follow, since I don't have time to read through this thread right now.
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lifeminimalized

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #29 on: April 17, 2017, 03:42:47 PM »
You guys have been awesome, a lot of recommended books and sound advice.

Cheers.

englyn

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #30 on: April 19, 2017, 02:04:53 AM »
Also, having gone through my own 'moment' for the last few months (at a few years older than you) - I think it's normal to have a period of re-evaluating your life and questioning whether you want to make major changes. Well, many such periods really, but just after 30 seems like a really strong point to do that. I think I'm on the way out of it. I hope so, it was exhausting and gloomy.

This spoke to me about what's-going-on-and-why-now: https://markmanson.net/four-stages-of-life
although I'm tending now to think that a Mission like what he's talking about in stage 3 is not really my thing and this perspective fits me better: http://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=2722

jooniFLORisploo

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #31 on: April 19, 2017, 10:03:21 AM »
englyn, holy ship! THANK YOU for those two links!!!

I'm 45 and in Stage 4, which is trippy to me, since I might live to 107. But, my legacy stuff will take a while anyway, so I guess it all works out.

tyort1

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #32 on: April 19, 2017, 11:50:14 AM »
I find for myself that I'd subverted a lot of my own thoughts and opinions in order to get along with other people.  That ended up making me resentful of other people, even though they hadn't done anything wrong.

I've been slowly teaching myself (giving myself permission) to speak in "my true voice". 

It's pretty amazing that a lot of my 'all or nothing' type of thinking has dropped away as a result of just learning to accept who I am instead of being so focused on who I "ought to be".
Frugalite in training.

Case

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #33 on: April 19, 2017, 04:12:27 PM »
Just turned 31, very unsatisfied with where I stand right now. Literally from my diet, social network, financial status and career choice. I have so much disappointment in myself right now in respect to how much slack I have allowed in my leash of "life".

I want a new social network, as 3/4 of those I have met, friended, or made an acquaintance I'm not fond of today. I'm naturally a very respectful person and because of this I have allowed people to enter my life who I would otherwise not have if I had more of a spine. Think along the lines of being too nice and biting your tongue too much. Being afraid to stay true to your own infrastructure and beliefs in fear of how others would perceive you. For this I have thought of cutting all contact, deleting social media, resetting my contact list on my phone, and starting from square one. I can then filter later on who I want to stay in touch with.

I also hate to say it, but I want to remain local. Stick around my family, which unfortunately means I will remain in an area where people know who I am, went to high school with me, and either like me or don't like me. Because of this I'm sure it will be a little more difficult to completely start a new life, however I need to counter that with as much mental motivation as I can to remain confident I'm progressing in my goal of really secluding myself and focusing on my cleanse.

Financially I know what needs to be done, I just need to put it in motion.

Diet, I also know what needs to be done, again just need to put it in motion.

In the end, Im an all in or nothing kind of person. I can not mentally stay motivated unless I completely devote 150% of myself to the commitment. If I don't, I figure "whats the point", and I end up fizzling out of whatever trend I'm trying to maintain.

So to consolidate this, how would you completely hit the reset button on your social network, and ultimately your entire life while staying local?

Thanks in advance.

It's never too late in life to start over.  I would like to do similar to you once I retire (some of my friends from work are only for that reason).

You will have an easier time in a new area, if you live in a small community (if not, then it shouldn't be too hard).  If the main reason to stay local is family (and you live in a small community), can you move a short distance way?

Hargrove

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #34 on: April 19, 2017, 07:07:43 PM »
The best way to live your new you is just to live it -- be you, the real you, all the time.

1. Nobody who doesn't like that will keep calling you to spend time together.
2. Keep positive in expressing yourself in the next month, at least, in the face of doubt. People who knew you will not all respond positively to a new face (to them), but most will respond to YOUR positivity if they ask a question and you're unfazed. You'll quickly learn who could be your real friends, and the rest will sort out.
3. Staying local may make it somewhat more difficult to reset, but it will also keep you grounded - friends may actually point out if you've taken the "real" you to a non-genuine level. Don't demand everyone "see" the real you when you think you're throwing it down, and don't mistake politeness for weakness, and you'll be fine. Once you're feeling more secure, you won't think about "being you" as much anymore.

BigHaus89

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Re: A very serious yet open minded life reset thread.
« Reply #35 on: April 21, 2017, 04:50:39 PM »
The Headspace app has changed my life in very subtle, but major ways from social interactions, to focus, quality of sleep, etc. I honestly think everyone would be a better person with daily meditation.