Author Topic: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents  (Read 76440 times)

Poundwise

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #250 on: July 27, 2017, 08:35:33 AM »
Absolutely, SLTD!  My own mother is the type who will give the (designer) shirt off her own back to any of her own children or grandchildren, and helps extended family begrudgingly but generously, but she doesn't seem interested in sharing with the world at large.  MIL is not notably generous to her own family, apart from her toy dogs, so I don't expect her to develop a social conscience any time soon. Interestingly, both women grew up poor (and MIL grew up partially in a foster home, without a normal family life), so I guess this represents an inability to turn off behaviors that helped them when they were in the acquisition stage.

The best we can do is to realize that we will probably be spending a few years going through their hoards when the time comes, and donating what we can.  What a waste of time, money, and life.

zephyr911

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #251 on: July 27, 2017, 08:40:14 AM »
Wish I could tell mom to move somewhere she can actually afford to live, but I had to wait for her to come up with that on her own. Thankfully, she has mentioned it a couple of times in recent months, and (for better or worse) there is a real chance she will cut her COL by 50% or more by moving near us within a year.
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Britan

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #252 on: July 27, 2017, 01:58:05 PM »
My dad and my in-laws are not Mustachian, but have sense enough (and money enough) to retire really comfortably. My dad might even retire "early" (before 60).

But my mother? Maybe something like:
"Maaaybe the reason I still seem chilly towards you is because you told me not to transfer to an affordable college because you'd pay, then when my 50k tuition came due, proceeded to say you 'didn't have enough money' to pay it even though you got a bunch of money in the divorce, because you had just bought your *second* *new* *50k* *BMW* to add to your first *new* *BWM* *convertible* because you "needed a car that could fit 3+ people", as if there aren't cars under 50k that seat 5? And of course you couldn't sell the convertible, you really like it."

And that, kids, is the short story of how I finished college with 80k in student loans.

To her credit, she bought both BMWs in cash I think? On the other hand.... priorities.
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MustachioedPistachio

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #253 on: July 27, 2017, 02:15:18 PM »
On the other hand.... priorities.

And I thought my parents were bad...

When I was 16, they offered me their late-90s SUV for "a great deal" of $5,000. Of course, being naive and way too goddamn trusting, I took it.

Fast-forward a couple of years. I hit a deer on the way home - totals the SUV. Fortunately, I had full coverage that I had been paying for in high school. Once the insurance finally settled up, I was informed by the insurance agent that 100% of the proceeds went to a title loan company to pay off a loan. I confronted my folks and they informed me that the money from the loan was used to adopt my little sister, so "it's ok."

...hm. Thanks mom and dad. Oh, and fuck you.

"Hey, can you guys help me with some school supplies this semester?"
"Oh sorry hun, we just don't have the money," they respond while relaxing in the new outdoor hot tub.

Priorities.

Britan

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #254 on: July 27, 2017, 10:55:24 PM »
Priorities.
Right?! And it's not even the priorities, people's priorities are allowed to be whatever. But its the lying about their priorities and then when they break promises, instead of apologizing for putting you in a. bad spot, expecting you to have sympathy for how "poor" they are and still prioritize *them* because they *would* prioritize you *if only* they had the money.

I tried to enroll in state school (like a sensible person) *three separate times* and was told each time "No, your education is my priority, I'll pay for it. Take out a loan I'll pay it back." And even after all that if she just said "I goofed. Sorry I spent my money on random stuff and can't pay it off" or even like "keeping my promise to you is not my priority" like, whatever. Her priorities are allowed to be her fancy luxuries. But then don't expect me to prioritize you and have this happy wonderful mother/daughter relationship where I'd do anything for you?

Though this is not the only example of her promising something to someone financially, purchasing a luxurious Thing for the exact amount she promised, and then breaking her promise and *expecting sympathy* from the person she just broke that promise to, because isn't it so sad that she "has no money". She did it to all of her kids in turn for college, and she even tried to do it to me again when I got married and when I bought a house. I think it's pathological or something.
« Last Edit: July 27, 2017, 10:59:26 PM by Britan »
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stylesjl

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #255 on: July 28, 2017, 03:05:38 AM »
Priorities.
Right?! And it's not even the priorities, people's priorities are allowed to be whatever. But its the lying about their priorities and then when they break promises, instead of apologizing for putting you in a. bad spot, expecting you to have sympathy for how "poor" they are and still prioritize *them* because they *would* prioritize you *if only* they had the money.

I tried to enroll in state school (like a sensible person) *three separate times* and was told each time "No, your education is my priority, I'll pay for it. Take out a loan I'll pay it back." And even after all that if she just said "I goofed. Sorry I spent my money on random stuff and can't pay it off" or even like "keeping my promise to you is not my priority" like, whatever. Her priorities are allowed to be her fancy luxuries. But then don't expect me to prioritize you and have this happy wonderful mother/daughter relationship where I'd do anything for you?

Though this is not the only example of her promising something to someone financially, purchasing a luxurious Thing for the exact amount she promised, and then breaking her promise and *expecting sympathy* from the person she just broke that promise to, because isn't it so sad that she "has no money". She did it to all of her kids in turn for college, and she even tried to do it to me again when I got married and when I bought a house. I think it's pathological or something.
Probably a form of narcissism, someone wants the benefit of appearing virtuous and generous without having to actually commit the sacrifice (curtail luxuries) that such generosity implies, and it appears to have worked over and over again without any real bad consequences for the narcissist, so why not keep doing it?

Britan

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #256 on: July 28, 2017, 09:11:44 AM »
Hah, I do have many stories that are more appropriate for r/raisedbynarcissists than MMM.

I mean, she's my mom, so I'm not gonna slow-fade out on her like I would if she wasn't family. I just don't spend time with her that I don't have to, trust every promise to be broken,  and keep the chill-level at "smiling with mouth not eyes". She is baffled as to why, but when anyone tells her, she doubles down on the victim card, so I don't try to reason with her anymore.  Life's too short to make it my problem. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Britan

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #257 on: July 28, 2017, 09:24:05 AM »
Oh but I'll add an anecdote from my dad, who is actually great and financially responsible but does have some face-palm worthy moments.

He buys a new electric car 2 years ago and gets a nice big rebate. Charging stations at work are free so he pays 0 in fuel.

Now he complains "I shouldn't have bought this electric, the charging stations are all full by 6am at work so I actually have to pay to charge it at home!"

Me, knowing it is cheaper than what he spent on gas before: "Yeah, but how does that compare to what you spent on gas before?"

"Well, wel, but the  stupid thing is only worth $14k now"

Uh, yeah dad, it depreciated. Like, you know, *every new car ever*?

Face. Palm.
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snowball

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #258 on: July 28, 2017, 09:39:24 AM »
There's no point in confronting narcissists;  they aren't capable of seeing the flaws within themselves.  They're always justified in anything they do.

I just have no contact with my narcissistic parents, and haven't for years - they're not worth it.  I'm sure they have no idea why they don't hear from me.  But I know, and that's enough.  It does give me a certain sense of cosmic justice to know that at least there is *some* consequence for their behaviour, even if they'll never understand it (or care that much, but again, it's something).

Yeah, I too have a lot of stories I could tell of...priorities.  :/

MustachioedPistachio

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #259 on: July 28, 2017, 02:59:15 PM »
Hah, I do have many stories that are more appropriate for r/raisedbynarcissists than MMM.

There's no point in confronting narcissists;  they aren't capable of seeing the flaws within themselves.  They're always justified in anything they do.

Diiiiiitttttooooo. For cathartic purposes only. Britan, I definitely 100% feel the "smile with my mouth not my eyes". Snowball, I am strongly leaning this way...the clincher though is my two little (adopted) sisters. :(

snowball

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #260 on: July 29, 2017, 01:31:14 AM »
Snowball, I am strongly leaning this way...the clincher though is my two little (adopted) sisters. :(

I get that.  My siblings are grown adults - the youngest is 30 - so a relationship with them doesn't require me to have a relationship with my parents.  Otherwise I would have waited until my siblings were independent before cutting my parents off.

Sadly, I don't/can't have a relationship with all three of my siblings;  my older brother simply doesn't want to, and you can't *make* someone want to be your family, or be the only one who ever puts any effort into it.  I wrote him off before my parents, because it was like beating my head against a wall for years (and that was deliberate on his part; towards the end, he came right out and told me that he didn't want a close relationship with me unless I lost weight...like my mother, he is very focused on outward appearances.  And pretty sexist - he doesn't care so much if guys are overweight, but as a woman, I'm supposed to adhere to society's ultra-thin ideal, in order for him not to be ashamed of me.  So, you know.  Screw him.)

My sister is a very different story, and we have both tried hard to build a healthier relationship with each other as adults, which is still a work in progress, but I'm happy with where we are.  My younger brother is...damaged a lot by his upbringing, I think, and really bad at communicating (mostly doesn't answer his phone, doesn't reply to emails very often), but I still care about him and hope he manages to get his shit together someday.  (He was living on the streets for a month or so last summer.  Now he's working part-time for my sister.  I still feel he's precariously perched above the abyss, but maybe the trendline is good.  I'm pretty sure he's not doing drugs, but I know there are mental health issues there that he isn't getting treated.)

Your little sisters are lucky to have you, and I'm glad you're making an effort to stay in their lives.  It could make a big difference for them in the long run.  I know I would have given a lot as a young person to have a responsible adult in my life who cared about me.


Catbert

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #261 on: July 29, 2017, 12:00:50 PM »
I just wanted to say that after working my way through 260 posts this is the single saddest thread on the entire forum. 

Hugs to all of you.

neverrun

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #262 on: July 29, 2017, 03:22:49 PM »
MIL-- I know you're bored now that you are retired, but could you find another hobby besides buying houses & filling them up with crap?  Isn't 4 houses enough for two people?  Have you ever thought about giving back to the community?

When I read about parents whose hobby is buying discounted crap and forcing it on their children, I often think wistfully about how great it would be if the impulse could be directed somewhere useful. Buying food and toiletries on sale and giving to a food bank, buying children's clothes and toys to be given to orphanages or hospital wards, buying professional clothing on sale to give to homeless jobseekers...

Thankfully, my Mom does use this outlet.  She shops the Spring sales for children's winter coats and boots.  She works on getting bath towels for practically nothing and donates the items to her church food and clothing pantry.

Poundwise

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #263 on: July 29, 2017, 03:52:30 PM »
That's wonderful!! I wish more were like your mother.  Actually, there are a lot of lovely older folks in our church who do just that.  I just wrote in frustration because MIL was discussing buying another house. That would actually be her 6th property. I forgot that she bought the house next to one of her weekend houses and knocked it down to get a bigger yard. She does rent out one house. 

I guess the hopeful thing to take away from this thread is that hopefully the new generation has learned lessons from the old, so there is improvement.  Unless in 20 years we see a "Mr Maxi Mustache" forum where adult kids complain about their skinflint parents.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2017, 04:29:09 PM by Poundwise »

Kaydedid

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #264 on: August 05, 2017, 07:42:22 PM »
MIL-- I know you're bored now that you are retired, but could you find another hobby besides buying houses & filling them up with crap?  Isn't 4 houses enough for two people?  Have you ever thought about giving back to the community?

When I read about parents whose hobby is buying discounted crap and forcing it on their children, I often think wistfully about how great it would be if the impulse could be directed somewhere useful. Buying food and toiletries on sale and giving to a food bank, buying children's clothes and toys to be given to orphanages or hospital wards, buying professional clothing on sale to give to homeless jobseekers...
My mom and MIL do this.  They love shopping, especially for children's clothing, and find great deals.  I've spent maybe $10 on my son's clothes in the last 2 years.  They even ask about sizes and what he needs!  Incredibly generous and very appreciated.

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sufjork

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #265 on: August 06, 2017, 02:41:11 PM »
I was on the phone with my mom a few days ago. She has made a series of poor financial decisions throughout her life, doesn't save money, and doesn't have a retirement plan (she's 63). We were talking about money and she said, "You're so good with money. I don't know where you learned it from - you didn't learn it from me!" (She's at least aware that she's bad with money, but doesn't do that much to try and change.)

I just kinda went, "hahaha...yep." I really had to bite my tongue from saying: "Well, I did learn it from you...I learned what not to do."
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fluffmuffin

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #266 on: August 07, 2017, 01:43:06 PM »
Dad, I care a lot less about getting an inheritance than I do about you having a reasonable quality of life and the ability to enjoy the years that you have left on this planet. You're about to turn 75 and you still work constantly. I know, it's hard to step back when you literally live at your business. I know the phone is always ringing. I know people are always stopping by. But you don't have to answer the phone or let someone popping in derail your day, so that you feel like you never have enough time to take care of the important, large-scale decisions that would let you make a meaningful change in your life.

I will help you with that, if you want, but I will not help you plug the holes that are keeping the ship afloat right now. It hurts me to see how much that hurts you, but your lifestyle right now is not sustainable. You say that you don't enjoy the hustle anymore, and Dad, you have hustled harder than 99% of the d-bags in rap songs for the entire time that I've been alive. You have earned the right to take a step back and not be so incredibly stressed about money every day of your life.

I'm proud of you for putting the farm on the market--but you've priced it so high that no one is ever going to buy it, unless your county does a complete 180 on zoning and land regulation. There are too many rich, influential people who want to preserve the status quo right now for that to happen anytime soon. Do you really think you can still be doing this for the 10-20 years it will take for the zoning to come around? Just fucking sell it to get out from under the mortgage payments that you say are killing you. If you sold it, you would still almost certainly be able to carve out a parcel with a house on it. No, not the parcel you say you want, where you'd have to clear out forest and build a new cabin--the parcel that already has a small house and a small barn, with a small, income-producing apartment above it. (Also, you now own an RV, so you don’t even need land anymore.)

Even with the zoning, you can sell it for enough to clear the mortgage and have a cushion. So put it on the market for a non-magical number, clear your $20k in credit card debt (that you have from keeping the farm afloat and your congenital inability to save for emergencies), and live on social security and your $30,000/year pension.

In conclusion, sell the fucking farm.


Thanks for the space to vent. I've re-read this thread a few times and it's been really cathartic. I'm visiting the farm this weekend and bracing myself for emotional turmoil, since my dad just turned another year older without making any progress on...anything. Also, shoutout to the mom (parent are long-since divorced) for being the OG frugality rock star and enjoying the fuck out of her well-earned, cushy retirement lifestyle of fancy gym classes and lunch with the ladies.

Raenia

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #267 on: August 07, 2017, 02:22:59 PM »
This thread really makes me want to shout out to my dad, who took it upon himself the last time I was home to share some details about his financial situation to let me know that he'll be fine.  He also wanted to make sure I was contributing to my 401k, and I was happy to reassure him in that regard.

Mom, please stop letting your boyfriend live with you for free, paying all the utilities and food bills.  Stop working for his business even though he can't make payroll reliably.  If you're going to keep seeing this guy, you need to keep your finances separate and stop dipping into your savings to make his ends meet.  I don't want to have to step in to support you and know it's because you were inadvertently subsidizing his adult son's rent for years.

Anon in Alaska

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #268 on: August 19, 2017, 05:01:22 AM »
"Dad, when someone you barely know asks you for hundreds or thousands of dollars you should not give it to him; especially when he is using it to buy drugs. No, the fact that you don't actually need the money yourself because you've always been frugal doesn't change the answer."
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Sibley

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #269 on: August 19, 2017, 08:06:23 PM »
New one this weekend:
Mom, I understand that you think something is valuable. The function of value is entirely dependent on what someone else is willing to pay. Based on our conversations this weekend, those numbers are VERY far apart for you.  Please figure it out and start selling some of your crap that is currently worth something BEFORE the rest of the boomers dump their stuff and destroy all value.

LeRainDrop

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #270 on: August 19, 2017, 10:56:26 PM »
New one this weekend:
Mom, I understand that you think something is valuable. The function of value is entirely dependent on what someone else is willing to pay. Based on our conversations this weekend, those numbers are VERY far apart for you.  Please figure it out and start selling some of your crap that is currently worth something BEFORE the rest of the boomers dump their stuff and destroy all value.

This reminds me of when my parents got divorced about 5 years ago.  My mom got to keep a handful of Hummels for sentimental reasons.  My dad wanted to "credit" their value against the 50% division of assets.  I was like, "dad, they are worth like $5."  He didn't believe me till I showed him on ebay.  He still has a hard time believing that as true.

Sibley

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #271 on: August 20, 2017, 09:29:22 AM »
New one this weekend:
Mom, I understand that you think something is valuable. The function of value is entirely dependent on what someone else is willing to pay. Based on our conversations this weekend, those numbers are VERY far apart for you.  Please figure it out and start selling some of your crap that is currently worth something BEFORE the rest of the boomers dump their stuff and destroy all value.

This reminds me of when my parents got divorced about 5 years ago.  My mom got to keep a handful of Hummels for sentimental reasons.  My dad wanted to "credit" their value against the 50% division of assets.  I was like, "dad, they are worth like $5."  He didn't believe me till I showed him on ebay.  He still has a hard time believing that as true.

I think it's partially generational - they grew up in a time where, aside from the Great Depression, they hadn't experienced things depreciating in value. As long as you kept something in good condition, the value would at a minimum stay the same. That isn't the case now, and the mental shift isn't easy to make. Especially when you don't want to.

Additionally, for people who have grown up with you keep objects passed on from previous generations, they can't conceive of NOT keeping those objects. There's a ton of articles online that are basically Boomers complaining that their kids don't want their stuff. They also don't understand the difference in the amount of stuff around. Before mass production, it made sense to keep stuff over multiple generations. You either couldn't get it, or more likely couldn't afford to buy it. Mass production dropped prices so far that everyone could afford to get all the stuff, and they did. Which is great, until you get to the NEXT generation, which also can get their own stuff and aren't dependent on inheriting. Then the older generation's stuff isn't needed, and for the most part, not wanted. Many of those people are completely incapable of understanding or accepting this. My mom is one.

paddedhat

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #272 on: August 20, 2017, 10:44:44 AM »
New one this weekend:
Mom, I understand that you think something is valuable. The function of value is entirely dependent on what someone else is willing to pay. Based on our conversations this weekend, those numbers are VERY far apart for you.  Please figure it out and start selling some of your crap that is currently worth something BEFORE the rest of the boomers dump their stuff and destroy all value.

This reminds me of when my parents got divorced about 5 years ago.  My mom got to keep a handful of Hummels for sentimental reasons.  My dad wanted to "credit" their value against the 50% division of assets.  I was like, "dad, they are worth like $5."  He didn't believe me till I showed him on ebay.  He still has a hard time believing that as true.

I think it's partially generational - they grew up in a time where, aside from the Great Depression, they hadn't experienced things depreciating in value. As long as you kept something in good condition, the value would at a minimum stay the same. That isn't the case now, and the mental shift isn't easy to make. Especially when you don't want to.

I have a friend who has a customer base in one of the old, nearly dead coal producing parts of east. One of the more painful things he hears is of the retirees who are actually losing money, in unajusted dollars, while selling houses they have owned for 25-30 years. As in, "I paid $80K for the place in the 1980s. Spent $30K on an addition and another $25K on a new garage.  Now a realtor tells me it's going to be tough to get $110 for it." One thing to see the sacred family hutch end up bring $100 on CL, quite another to take a loss on a home since the entire region is slowly sliding toward the abyss

Additionally, for people who have grown up with you keep objects passed on from previous generations, they can't conceive of NOT keeping those objects. There's a ton of articles online that are basically Boomers complaining that their kids don't want their stuff. They also don't understand the difference in the amount of stuff around. Before mass production, it made sense to keep stuff over multiple generations. You either couldn't get it, or more likely couldn't afford to buy it. Mass production dropped prices so far that everyone could afford to get all the stuff, and they did. Which is great, until you get to the NEXT generation, which also can get their own stuff and aren't dependent on inheriting. Then the older generation's stuff isn't needed, and for the most part, not wanted. Many of those people are completely incapable of understanding or accepting this. My mom is one.

I'm not sure how much younger generations really take the time to see what a huge divide this was. I was reading yet another piece on Eddie Lampert's brillant play of destroying his Sear's empire, and it was accompanied by illustrations from the 1958 Sears catalog. One page was a tool section that featured small electric drills for $40 on up. Currently, sixty years later, I can have a top notch 3/8" delivered to my house for $35.

The larger picture is that the $40 spent in 1958 is worth $340 of spending power today. At that point a small color TV was $495 ($4200 in today's money) and a nice mass market dress was $19 ($161 today)  When you start thinking in terms of loading a pile of mom,dad or grandma's junk into the dumpster, since it's valueless, take a minute.  Do a quick calculation of what that pile would cost you if you went out today and found similar replacements. Take that total and multiply it by eight or ten, and that was the cost of those items, "back in the day". That exercise goes a long way toward explaining the struggle of older folks who are being, in our minds, "irrational" about their relationship to their, obviously worthless, possessions.

Cassie

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #273 on: August 20, 2017, 01:32:40 PM »
I am 63 and growing up did not have the amount of clothing, shoes, etc that people have now. Clothes were not cheap as they were still being made here. Also if you knew your size you could buy without trying on because the sizes were all standard. That all changed with the cheap clothing from over seas.  I don't care that my kids don't want my stuff. No big deal at all. In fact I got rid of a ton of it.  They all have their own style. They have taken a few things they wanted.

mies

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #274 on: September 02, 2017, 04:45:26 AM »
I wish I could tell my dad to stop pissing his money away on lottery tickets. My parents are out of town this weekend. Before they left, my dad called me to let me know that if they died on the trip, he wanted me to check the lottery tickets he left on top of his printer in case they are winners. Are you fucking serious? If they did die, the least of my concern would be where his losing lottery tickets are located. What's even worse is I have only a vague idea of where his actual money is. I don't even know if he has any funeral stuff pre-arranged.

My dad has been buying a couple of lottery tickets a week probably since the late 80's. I did a quick calculation to see how much money he doesn't have based on a price of $2/ticket, a 7% rate of return, and 30 years in the market instead. I pulled $2 out of thin air. I don't know how much lottery tickets actually cost since I've never purchased one. It seemed reasonable. It came out to be almost $23,000. If he had just stuffed the money under the mattress, he'd still have over $6,000.
« Last Edit: September 02, 2017, 04:47:07 AM by mies »
Less is more.

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #275 on: September 03, 2017, 10:44:52 AM »
Mies, think of it as part of his entertainment budget - if he had spent that money on movies, concert tickets, etc. it would also be gone.  Presumably it adds something to his life?  The anticipation of winning?  The dreams of a big win? 

And yes, I spend my entertainment budget on concerts, movies, coffee with friends, not lottery tickets, so I do see where you are coming from.  ;-)
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paddedhat

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #276 on: September 03, 2017, 11:20:31 AM »
On the other hand.... priorities.

And I thought my parents were bad...

When I was 16, they offered me their late-90s SUV for "a great deal" of $5,000. Of course, being naive and way too goddamn trusting, I took it.

Fast-forward a couple of years. I hit a deer on the way home - totals the SUV. Fortunately, I had full coverage that I had been paying for in high school. Once the insurance finally settled up, I was informed by the insurance agent that 100% of the proceeds went to a title loan company to pay off a loan. I confronted my folks and they informed me that the money from the loan was used to adopt my little sister, so "it's ok."

...hm. Thanks mom and dad. Oh, and fuck you.

"Hey, can you guys help me with some school supplies this semester?"
"Oh sorry hun, we just don't have the money," they respond while relaxing in the new outdoor hot tub.

Priorities.

Future son-in-law is finishing college and needs a car. His parents are a case study in high level WTF?   They both have menial jobs, are perpetually broke, yet live in a McMansion,  in a gated golf community. At this point (mid-50s and early 60s) they should be in full blown crisis mode, living in a modest rental, and squirreling every penny away, so they don't end up living on canned cat food once the stupid train crashes, but no, because..........status. Dad is driving an older POS BMW which has reached the point that it can't pass the dealer without stopping by for a four figure repair bill. He decides to screw his own son by SELLING this rolling crapbox to the kid for $4K. The kid has zero mechanical DIY skills, and spend the next few years dropping obscene amounts of cash keeping this gem on the road. His mom and dad use the $4K they robbed junior of to lease a new BMW. Some people should just be taken to the vet and put to sleep. (that was sarcasm, BTW)

Chesleygirl

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #277 on: September 03, 2017, 05:47:38 PM »
Future son-in-law is finishing college and needs a car. His parents are a case study in high level WTF?   They both have menial jobs, are perpetually broke, yet live in a McMansion,  in a gated golf community. At this point (mid-50s and early 60s) they should be in full blown crisis mode, living in a modest rental, and squirreling every penny away, so they don't end up living on canned cat food once the stupid train crashes, but no, because..........status. D

I never understood people who had adult children, living in McMansions or really large homes. Sure, they can do what they want. I just don't understand the need for a 5 bedroom house if it's only two adults. Once my kids are grown, I'd prefer to downsize to a cottage style home.

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #278 on: September 04, 2017, 12:41:52 AM »
Mies, think of it as part of his entertainment budget - if he had spent that money on movies, concert tickets, etc. it would also be gone.  Presumably it adds something to his life?  The anticipation of winning?  The dreams of a big win? 

And yes, I spend my entertainment budget on concerts, movies, coffee with friends, not lottery tickets, so I do see where you are coming from.  ;-)

I get the notion of lottery tickets as entertainment. My concern is with people who use the 'promise' of a potential win to abdicate responsibility for actual financial planning. Given that the call before travelling was about the lottery tickets not the will and funeral plan, I think this relative may have slipped into category 2.

mies

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #279 on: September 04, 2017, 03:46:27 AM »
Mies, think of it as part of his entertainment budget - if he had spent that money on movies, concert tickets, etc. it would also be gone.  Presumably it adds something to his life?  The anticipation of winning?  The dreams of a big win? 

And yes, I spend my entertainment budget on concerts, movies, coffee with friends, not lottery tickets, so I do see where you are coming from.  ;-)

I get the notion of lottery tickets as entertainment. My concern is with people who use the 'promise' of a potential win to abdicate responsibility for actual financial planning. Given that the call before travelling was about the lottery tickets not the will and funeral plan, I think this relative may have slipped into category 2.

How much actual entertainment do you get from a lottery ticket you buy at a gas station mini mart? I would rather see my dad spending $10 a week on a movie than $4 on something that is pretty much guaranteed to lose. At least if he went to a movie, he got a couple of hours of entertainment. All he has to show for his money is a couple of pieces of paper. If his goal was to get wealthy with that money, there are much smarter ways to go about it doing it.
Less is more.

RetiredAt63

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #280 on: September 04, 2017, 06:18:57 AM »
Mies, think of it as part of his entertainment budget - if he had spent that money on movies, concert tickets, etc. it would also be gone.  Presumably it adds something to his life?  The anticipation of winning?  The dreams of a big win? 

And yes, I spend my entertainment budget on concerts, movies, coffee with friends, not lottery tickets, so I do see where you are coming from.  ;-)

I get the notion of lottery tickets as entertainment. My concern is with people who use the 'promise' of a potential win to abdicate responsibility for actual financial planning. Given that the call before travelling was about the lottery tickets not the will and funeral plan, I think this relative may have slipped into category 2.

How much actual entertainment do you get from a lottery ticket you buy at a gas station mini mart? I would rather see my dad spending $10 a week on a movie than $4 on something that is pretty much guaranteed to lose. At least if he went to a movie, he got a couple of hours of entertainment. All he has to show for his money is a couple of pieces of paper. If his goal was to get wealthy with that money, there are much smarter ways to go about it doing it.

I don't buy lottery tickets, I can do statistics and calculate odds.  So I get zero entertainment value out of them.  I don't go to casinos either.  Sounds like you see things the same way.  But some people (maybe your Dad?) like the dreams that go with them.  Although I agree with Playing With Fire, unless your Dad already had all the serious paperwork done, worrying about lottery tickets when he is about to travel seems like he is overly emotionally invested in them. 
The measure of civilization is how people treat one another.

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mies

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #281 on: September 04, 2017, 06:37:44 AM »
I don't buy lottery tickets, I can do statistics and calculate odds.  So I get zero entertainment value out of them.  I don't go to casinos either.  Sounds like you see things the same way.  But some people (maybe your Dad?) like the dreams that go with them.  Although I agree with Playing With Fire, unless your Dad already had all the serious paperwork done, worrying about lottery tickets when he is about to travel seems like he is overly emotionally invested in them.

Hi RetiredAt63, I apologize if I came off as rude. My comment was more a of a rhetorical question about the enjoyment attained from lottery ticket purchasing and I was not trying to insinuate that you buy lottery tickets. I agree that there is nothing wrong with having money set aside for doing fun stuff. I'd rather see him spend more money on something that brings some lasting enjoyment, than the cheap thrill of "Maybe I'll hit it big this time".

My dad does have investments, so he's not trying to fund his retirement with lottery winnings. The lottery tickets are just another manifestation of his poor money handling abilities. I could write a book about the silly things he has bought over the years that have done nothing but push him further away from the wealth I know he wanted/wants. He just doesn't look at his purchases rationally.
Less is more.

RetiredAt63

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #282 on: September 04, 2017, 07:37:59 AM »
I don't buy lottery tickets, I can do statistics and calculate odds.  So I get zero entertainment value out of them.  I don't go to casinos either.  Sounds like you see things the same way.  But some people (maybe your Dad?) like the dreams that go with them.  Although I agree with Playing With Fire, unless your Dad already had all the serious paperwork done, worrying about lottery tickets when he is about to travel seems like he is overly emotionally invested in them.

Hi RetiredAt63, I apologize if I came off as rude. My comment was more a of a rhetorical question about the enjoyment attained from lottery ticket purchasing and I was not trying to insinuate that you buy lottery tickets. I agree that there is nothing wrong with having money set aside for doing fun stuff. I'd rather see him spend more money on something that brings some lasting enjoyment, than the cheap thrill of "Maybe I'll hit it big this time".

My dad does have investments, so he's not trying to fund his retirement with lottery winnings. The lottery tickets are just another manifestation of his poor money handling abilities. I could write a book about the silly things he has bought over the years that have done nothing but push him further away from the wealth I know he wanted/wants. He just doesn't look at his purchases rationally.

You didn't come off as rude - or at least, I don't think you did.  You are shaking your head (metaphorically) at his purchasing habits and venting in frustration. After all, you posted in the Antimustachian Wall of Shame and Comedy, where we get to shake our heads at all the people around us who don't look at their purchases rationally.  Well, who don't look at so many of their purchases rationally.  I am sure those of us on here also have some purchases that are totally non-rational (guilty).
The measure of civilization is how people treat one another.

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C-note

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #283 on: September 04, 2017, 07:57:49 AM »
Future son-in-law is finishing college and needs a car. His parents are a case study in high level WTF?   They both have menial jobs, are perpetually broke, yet live in a McMansion,  in a gated golf community. At this point (mid-50s and early 60s) they should be in full blown crisis mode, living in a modest rental, and squirreling every penny away, so they don't end up living on canned cat food once the stupid train crashes, but no, because..........status. D

I never understood people who had adult children, living in McMansions or really large homes. Sure, they can do what they want. I just don't understand the need for a 5 bedroom house if it's only two adults. Once my kids are grown, I'd prefer to downsize to a cottage style home.

We're those people living in a big house (5 bed/4 bath) with no kids for about the past 5 years.  For us, it doesn't make sense financially to move - we've run a few different scenarios - plus we really like our neighborhood and are already planning to move in a few years to our final home.  We had kids later in life so maybe we're in some odd time flux stuck between empty-nesting and retirement.

Engineer93

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #284 on: September 04, 2017, 12:28:42 PM »
Not sure if this is the right thread to put this is in but I just remembered a funny story from back when I was in college. My future in-laws took my girlfriend and I to Lake Tahoe to go skiing.  We went to the casino one night and they gave us each $100 to gamble.  They went off to play their games and I sat down at a blackjack machine where I knew the player had the highest chance of winning (I think it's 49% or something like that).  The minimum bet was 25 cents.  After an hour her parents were ready to go after losing all of their money and I walked away $97 richer since I only lost $3.  I think I even got a free rum and coke from the waitress.

MustachioedPistachio

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #285 on: September 05, 2017, 05:56:59 AM »
Some people should just be taken to the vet and put to sleep. (that was sarcasm, BTW)

:3

Let's call it physician-assisted perma-napping. That's about the only medical care I'll (gladly) cover for the 'rents.

ambimammular

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #286 on: September 06, 2017, 07:33:40 PM »
Future son-in-law is finishing college and needs a car. His parents are a case study in high level WTF?   They both have menial jobs, are perpetually broke, yet live in a McMansion,  in a gated golf community. At this point (mid-50s and early 60s) they should be in full blown crisis mode, living in a modest rental, and squirreling every penny away, so they don't end up living on canned cat food once the stupid train crashes, but no, because..........status. D

I never understood people who had adult children, living in McMansions or really large homes. Sure, they can do what they want. I just don't understand the need for a 5 bedroom house if it's only two adults. Once my kids are grown, I'd prefer to downsize to a cottage style home.

Yeah, but what are you gonna do when all the kids and grandkids come home for Christmas? That's the line my parents keep giving us.

Sibley

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #287 on: September 06, 2017, 08:00:33 PM »
Future son-in-law is finishing college and needs a car. His parents are a case study in high level WTF?   They both have menial jobs, are perpetually broke, yet live in a McMansion,  in a gated golf community. At this point (mid-50s and early 60s) they should be in full blown crisis mode, living in a modest rental, and squirreling every penny away, so they don't end up living on canned cat food once the stupid train crashes, but no, because..........status. D

I never understood people who had adult children, living in McMansions or really large homes. Sure, they can do what they want. I just don't understand the need for a 5 bedroom house if it's only two adults. Once my kids are grown, I'd prefer to downsize to a cottage style home.

Yeah, but what are you gonna do when all the kids and grandkids come home for Christmas? That's the line my parents keep giving us.

You're assuming that they all show up. A lot of families, that doesn't happen. People may prefer to stay home with their nuclear family. Or may be going to the other spouse's family. Even if they do all show up, that's what hotels are for.

ambimammular

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #288 on: September 09, 2017, 08:11:25 AM »
I would love to see M and D downsize, but they would have to sort through all their stuff, confront their excessive buying nature, think of all the work to craigslist or garage sale it, realize with disgust that they're never get their money back because the resell is pennies on the dollar, and bundle it all for Goodwill/the dump. Much easier just to settle back on the couch and let the dust collect on all the rooms you don't want to deal with.

ambimammular

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #289 on: September 09, 2017, 08:15:13 AM »
I forgot,
leave it for when the kids come home to visit, let them deal with it
If you wait long enough, it all becomes part of the estate to fight over with siblings.

In our family the fight will be for who doesn't have to take mom's Precious Moments and Hummels.

mies

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #290 on: September 09, 2017, 10:48:47 AM »
I forgot,
leave it for when the kids come home to visit, let them deal with it
If you wait long enough, it all becomes part of the estate to fight over with siblings.

In our family the fight will be for who doesn't have to take mom's Precious Moments and Hummels.

Lucky! I'm an only child so I get to deal with all my mom's crystal nick-nacks. I'm not sure what the value of that stuff is. I'm hoping it's low so I can just toss it >:D If it does have substantial value, I'll sell it, but I won't enjoy the process. I'm so over the idea of collectibles after trying to get rid of my own collections. Sometimes the sales are super easy, then you get ones that drag on FOREVER.
Less is more.

kayvent

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #291 on: September 09, 2017, 11:05:59 AM »
My mother is only 50 but I'm already fighting with her at times to not give me stuff. She's downsizing and when packing up asked if I wanted some particular things for my daughter. I said no. The next day, she hands me a bag with stuff to bring home. Same stuff. I say 'no'. She says to just bring it to my house and put it somewhere and she'll give it to someone else. I do. She takes something out of the bag and leaves it at my house.......I throw it out.

This is not an atypical pattern of events.

Meesh

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #292 on: September 09, 2017, 12:53:49 PM »
I would say... you make in a month what a quarter of the country makes in a year and are in your mid 60s. How do you have no savings?

I will never be able to burn cash the way my parents do.