Author Topic: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents  (Read 76372 times)

Just Joe

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #200 on: February 26, 2017, 07:50:19 AM »
Many Muslims do not like the freedom afforded by Western civilisation (try converting from Islam to another religion or coming out).[/s]

NAH! Just get your life in order and leave. Don't tell anyone. Plenty of good people and good places to land yourself among.

HappierAtHome

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #201 on: February 26, 2017, 05:00:43 PM »
Back on topic:

I wish I could get through to one of my parents that there's no point comparing our lives and finances now to the lives and finances of the upper middle class thirty years ago - because thirty years ago our family was white trash on welfare, and it's thanks a) hard fucking work on the part of my siblings and me, and b) inherent privilege (white, attractive, good brains) that we've dragged ourselves up out of that.

Sibley

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #202 on: March 06, 2017, 09:58:08 AM »
Mom, dad, thank you for giving me access to your finances. Unfortunately, you're in bad shape and there will be hard decisions in the future.

You're living paycheck to paycheck and paying $12 a month to the bank for a checking account. We need to fix this. Which means I'm researching banks and deciding what's best then recommending it.

I'm not going to even discuss the grocery and restaurant expenses. I'm well aware of the cause and there's nothing I can do right now (total is about $600 per month for 2 people, in LCOL). I choose to pick a different battle. Like the bank. Not the smoking, because if I haven't won that one by now, it'll take a lifestyle upheaval to win.

Also, apparently I need to talk to mom to find out what the hell caused a $12k credit card balance when last year you told my sister you'd paid off all debt except house and car. And I'm pretty sure you know that credit card balances are debt.

Dad, you're being evaluated to determine if you're still safe to drive (hint: we're pretty sure the answer is no). No, it's not an option. Yes, it sucks and we'll be happy to teach you how to use Uber and Lyft if necessary. But this also means that the chances of you driving all over the east coast in May is pretty much zero. Sorry, but mom also doesn't want to do that. You'll live. You're both welcome to come visit me instead. Dementia sucks.

Exflyboy

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #203 on: March 08, 2017, 01:02:10 PM »
Mom, dad, thank you for giving me access to your finances. Unfortunately, you're in bad shape and there will be hard decisions in the future.

You're living paycheck to paycheck and paying $12 a month to the bank for a checking account. We need to fix this. Which means I'm researching banks and deciding what's best then recommending it.

I'm not going to even discuss the grocery and restaurant expenses. I'm well aware of the cause and there's nothing I can do right now (total is about $600 per month for 2 people, in LCOL). I choose to pick a different battle. Like the bank. Not the smoking, because if I haven't won that one by now, it'll take a lifestyle upheaval to win.

Also, apparently I need to talk to mom to find out what the hell caused a $12k credit card balance when last year you told my sister you'd paid off all debt except house and car. And I'm pretty sure you know that credit card balances are debt.

Dad, you're being evaluated to determine if you're still safe to drive (hint: we're pretty sure the answer is no). No, it's not an option. Yes, it sucks and we'll be happy to teach you how to use Uber and Lyft if necessary. But this also means that the chances of you driving all over the east coast in May is pretty much zero. Sorry, but mom also doesn't want to do that. You'll live. You're both welcome to come visit me instead. Dementia sucks.

Sorry to hear about your Dad.. That does suck..:(

DTaggart

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #204 on: March 08, 2017, 02:17:10 PM »
Dad, I spend about $32k a year. I don't need $3 million to retire.

shelivesthedream

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #205 on: March 08, 2017, 03:58:52 PM »
(Cat-sat for my parents overnight. Had forgotten how bad it was. Now remember in excruciating detail.)

Mum and Dad, STOP BUYING SHIT. And, more urgently, when you buy new shit, THROW THE OLD SHIT AWAY.

I remember when you got those cups. They have literally never been used. Zero times. Why the fuck do you still have them after ten years? Even after you redid the kitchen - you made a cupboard space for the never-used cups.

You have books on environmental policy from the 19fucking70s. PILES OF THEM. You have furniture stacked up to hold all the books you will NEVER READ AGAIN.

Why the ever loving fuck do you have copies of magazines from the early nineties to the present day under your bed? Have you ever looked at them again? And what's with keeping newspapers so you can "finish reading them when you have time"? Newsflash: you will never have time to read the backlog of newspapers from cover to cover.

OMG you have two wardrobes in the guest rooms full of your old clothes. Why are they not at the charity shop? You could then throw the wardrobes away and have room to fucking move.

Why did you buy an American fridge when it's just the two of you now? And cooking is such a chore for both of you. You are NOT green, you buy everything from fucking supermarkets and then throw half of it away because it goes off, so don't give me no eco holier than thou shit. You are both massive middle class consumers. Your house is full of crap but you have no friends. Your values are totally backwards. Or rather, your ACTUAL values as evidenced by what you DO, not your pretend values espoused by what you say. You are the exact people who are killing the environment.

When you die, I'm giving my brother two weeks to collect anything he wants and then I am hiring an estate clearance firm to take every last piece of crap away. No, I don't want any of it - because my husband and I HAVE OUR OWN STUFF. I fantasise about setting fire to your house because it's the only way you will ever did yourselves of the burden you have created.

Dave1442397

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #206 on: March 08, 2017, 07:10:44 PM »
Why the ever loving fuck do you have copies of magazines from the early nineties to the present day under your bed? Have you ever looked at them again? And what's with keeping newspapers so you can "finish reading them when you have time"? Newsflash: you will never have time to read the backlog of newspapers from cover to cover.

When you die, I'm giving my brother two weeks to collect anything he wants and then I am hiring an estate clearance firm to take every last piece of crap away.

A friend's mother died and left a similar pile of periodicals and newspapers scattered around the house, plus thousands of books (she was a college professor). They were starting to stack stuff up to throw it out, but then money started falling out from between pages. By the time (many months later) they had gone through the whole house page by page, so to speak, they had found cash and bank books to the tune of over $500,000.

Miss Piggy

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #207 on: March 08, 2017, 07:18:10 PM »
(Cat-sat for my parents overnight. Had forgotten how bad it was. Now remember in excruciating detail.)

Mum and Dad, STOP BUYING SHIT. And, more urgently, when you buy new shit, THROW THE OLD SHIT AWAY.

I remember when you got those cups. They have literally never been used. Zero times. Why the fuck do you still have them after ten years? Even after you redid the kitchen - you made a cupboard space for the never-used cups.

You have books on environmental policy from the 19fucking70s. PILES OF THEM. You have furniture stacked up to hold all the books you will NEVER READ AGAIN.

Why the ever loving fuck do you have copies of magazines from the early nineties to the present day under your bed? Have you ever looked at them again? And what's with keeping newspapers so you can "finish reading them when you have time"? Newsflash: you will never have time to read the backlog of newspapers from cover to cover.

OMG you have two wardrobes in the guest rooms full of your old clothes. Why are they not at the charity shop? You could then throw the wardrobes away and have room to fucking move.

Why did you buy an American fridge when it's just the two of you now? And cooking is such a chore for both of you. You are NOT green, you buy everything from fucking supermarkets and then throw half of it away because it goes off, so don't give me no eco holier than thou shit. You are both massive middle class consumers. Your house is full of crap but you have no friends. Your values are totally backwards. Or rather, your ACTUAL values as evidenced by what you DO, not your pretend values espoused by what you say. You are the exact people who are killing the environment.

When you die, I'm giving my brother two weeks to collect anything he wants and then I am hiring an estate clearance firm to take every last piece of crap away. No, I don't want any of it - because my husband and I HAVE OUR OWN STUFF. I fantasise about setting fire to your house because it's the only way you will ever did yourselves of the burden you have created.

Damn. Was that cathartic for you?

(Now, please excuse me while I go find some clothing, books, and magazines to get rid of. I'm suddenly feeling very gross.)

druth

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #208 on: March 08, 2017, 09:06:29 PM »
MIL and FIL: If you stopped with the scams and schemes and the get rich quick shit you would have gotten rich slow and been retired now!

They aren't consumer suckers really, they just funnel ridiculous amounts of money into scams.  They are on their 3rd and 4th scams(two at once!) in the four years I've known them, and after the first and second ones where they didn't listen to anybody(the entire family knew they were obvious scams) I've decided they are beyond help and that that's what social security is for.

shelivesthedream

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #209 on: March 09, 2017, 01:53:15 AM »
Many words.

Damn. Was that cathartic for you?

(Now, please excuse me while I go find some clothing, books, and magazines to get rid of. I'm suddenly feeling very gross.)

Very cathartic - I feel lighter now. Stupidest bit is, my mother has a borderline hoarder friend who's really messy and she tells me about her and how she has clothes all over her floor and whatever. But my mother can't see that just because it's stacked neatly in a cupboard, doesn't mean it's not borderline hoarding.  They could remove half of everything in that house and still have an abundance of stuff. My brother has picked up the tendency to keep everything (messily, to boot) but I have slowly-accumulate-and-then-PURGE-PURGE-PURGE tendencies. I'm working on both sides of that...

The thing that really kills me is the eco shit. My mother was a Greenpeace activist in her twenties and is now a dedicated Green Party volunteer. But the amount of SHIT in that house could keep four or five families in stuff, easily. (Clothes, crockery, books, you name it. Children's toys (we're both grown up), old computers in the attic, a coat rack sagging with coats that haven't seen the light of day for years... ARGH!) She acts like she's such a fancypants green person, but what she's really doing is just switching her BUYING OF SHIT to "green" companies. HOW CAN SHE NOT SEE WHAT UTTER HYPOCRISY THIS IS?! How fucking dare she tell me to vote Green because the planet is going down the tubes when *I* am the one who is buying unpackaged food from local shops and being mostly vegetarian and making an effort not to buy PEPPERS in FEBRUARY. Voting Green ain't worth shit if you have the exact same plastic-packaged diet year-round.

Library at the bottom of the road (which they do use) - still buying dozens of books and DVDs a year
Weekly farmers market and local produce shop in walking distance - still getting everything delivered from a supermarket (both retired, so not like they don't have the time...)
Both retired - still have piles of totally redundant paperwork from their old jobs in filing cabinets
Each have a home office with a computer and high-speed internet - still get newspaper delivered every day (see newsflash in previous post) and still print out stuff for no fucking reason (and then keep the printouts forever)
Mother's gardening hobby - buys expensive potted plants from the garden centre and won't try growing fruits or vegetables
Dress like functional leisure-rich adults in the 21st Century - still have hideous 1980s power suits hanging around
Have wardrobes full of perfectly adequate clothes - order piles of new stuff from catalogues (yes, paper catalogues which they have delivered and then keep)
Don't own a functional cassette player - still own cassette tapes (and probably have the broken player hidden somewhere)
Won't fly to go on holiday - won't catch the bus to the train station

Amazingly, the one thing they haven't bought is an electric bike, despite talking about it for a decade. It's probably too late now, but they could have got a lot of use out of one if they'd bought one maybe five years ago.

Having thought through it, there is literally one thing in the entire house I would want to inherit. A small unfolding card table, which they inherited from my great-aunt. Which, to be honest, they might as well get rid of now because all it's doing is holding a pot plant and getting in the fucking way EVERY SINGLE TIME they want to draw the curtains. ARGH. FUCK. And it's not like they don't have the money to pay someone to come and sort stuff out or take it away. If they ever thought of it, they probably wouldn't do it because they're too ashamed, but equally they won't do anything about it themselves. And they sure as hell would never take advice from me, even if they asked for it. And I feel like the corner is turning now and their physical health will only go downhill from now on so soon they'll be too old to life stuff themselves and all hope will be lost forever until my brother and I are called upon to clean the place out.

OK, sorry, seems like I wasn't done. :) But it's only now I've left home that I can actually look at it all with fresh eyes and see the MOUNTAIN OF WASTE and CHOKING PILES OF CRAP. And every time I go back I'm horrified again.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2017, 01:55:16 AM by shelivesthedream »

Vindicated

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #210 on: March 09, 2017, 06:12:19 AM »
Yeah... I think I might need to go clean some things out myself after reading all of that!  I'm pretty minimalist, but this makes me want to be more so.

Thanks for sharing your story, SLTD!
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merula

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #211 on: March 09, 2017, 07:57:49 AM »
shelievesthedream, your parents sound like my in-laws. My husband and BIL agree, worst environmentalists in the world. Tons of stuff and always buying more, reading books on being green but never actually doing it. Buying "all-natural organic" frozen meals that come with massive amounts of packaging.

I had never noticed until you mentioned it, but they ALSO do they "buy potted plants from the garden rather than seeds or edibles" thing. In fact, one time my MIL bought a potted perennial and asked my 2 y/o to help her plant it. Well, he broke the stalk off. She was going to THROW THE WHOLE THING AWAY. I planted the root ball with my son (so he could "fix" his mistake); lo and behold, the plant grew back. This was amazing; I must be a master gardener for realizing that a perennial can grow from roots.

They live ~0.5 miles away. They never walk it; always drive. And MIL bought an SUV, because the 4 times a year she drives my children in her car, it was "too hard" to get the car seats in.

But my favorite is when I get home to find that she's brought over four disposable cups from the large coffee chain, PLUS packaged snacks for everyone. AAARGH!

shelivesthedream

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #212 on: March 09, 2017, 08:42:57 AM »
shelievesthedream, your parents sound like my in-laws. My husband and BIL agree, worst environmentalists in the world. Tons of stuff and always buying more, reading books on being green but never actually doing it. Buying "all-natural organic" frozen meals that come with massive amounts of packaging.

I had never noticed until you mentioned it, but they ALSO do they "buy potted plants from the garden rather than seeds or edibles" thing. In fact, one time my MIL bought a potted perennial and asked my 2 y/o to help her plant it. Well, he broke the stalk off. She was going to THROW THE WHOLE THING AWAY. I planted the root ball with my son (so he could "fix" his mistake); lo and behold, the plant grew back. This was amazing; I must be a master gardener for realizing that a perennial can grow from roots.

They live ~0.5 miles away. They never walk it; always drive. And MIL bought an SUV, because the 4 times a year she drives my children in her car, it was "too hard" to get the car seats in.

But my favorite is when I get home to find that she's brought over four disposable cups from the large coffee chain, PLUS packaged snacks for everyone. AAARGH!

That made me laugh! I only noticed it recently myself because my husband and I are about to get a garden and are planning out what low-effort herbs, fruits and vegetables we can slot in, and what low-maintenance perennial plants/bulbs we can get or even grow from seed or cuttings. I am not about to buy a plastic tray full of stupid fucking annuals.

It's my mother who is so totally blinkered when it comes to being green. She pats herself on the back endlessly for being really into the environment but just cannot see all the totally mainstream stuff she does. No one has to be perfect (I'm certainly not!) but at least don't pretend to yourself that you are! She'll do green stuff as long as it's 100% convenient. (E.g. choosing organic packaged out-of-season vegetables rather than conventionally grown ones.) As soon as it's the tiniest bit of effort, it's like the option doesn't even exist or it's just such a huge unreasonable chore/burden that no one could ever expect her to do it. Can you tell that hypocrisy is the character trait I despise the most?!

But they have enough money that it's no hardship to switch their consumerism to the "green" option, even if it's more expensive. So no reason to change, eh?

ransom132

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #213 on: March 09, 2017, 08:49:50 AM »
My parents are so broke, they have lots of debts which they won't even tell me the number, they have a car that breaks down every single day (well it feels like it). I would tell them to ditch the car, take the bus and cut their expenses to the bone... I mean they have so much channels and yet they don't need all those channels. I have already voiced my opinion on a few things in the past, but there is nothing to do, they think because I am younger that I have no clue how money works. My goal is to build so much stash that I can get them out of it one day and at the sametime have enough for me to be FI. In the meantime, I will be saving money and giving them some to help them out.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2017, 08:51:45 AM by ransom132 »

merula

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #214 on: March 09, 2017, 10:05:11 AM »
I must be a master gardener for realizing that a perennial can grow from roots.


That made me laugh! I only noticed it recently myself because my husband and I are about to get a garden and are planning out what low-effort herbs, fruits and vegetables we can slot in, and what low-maintenance perennial plants/bulbs we can get or even grow from seed or cuttings. I am not about to buy a plastic tray full of stupid fucking annuals.

I wasn't sure it'd grow back. I guessed it probably would, but thought that the chance of that, plus the opportunity to teach mistake-fixing to my kid, PLUS the fact that even if it didn't, BURYING ORGANIC MATTER IS HELPFUL IN A GARDEN, made the effort worthwhile.

But they have enough money that it's no hardship to switch their consumerism to the "green" option, even if it's more expensive. So no reason to change, eh?

I have no idea what my in-laws' financial status is. My FIL has a good job that he loves, but my MIL and BIL both have a lot of health issues, and there's a lot of outpatient support going to BIL. God help me if there's any expectation that we pick up said support; nothing has been mentioned.

Aelias

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #215 on: March 09, 2017, 01:47:05 PM »
Dear MIL,

First--given the circumstances you faced, you did a damn good job raising your sons.  Really.  I know there were times money was tight, but you made it work.  You provided a safe and loving home, paid their way through Catholic school and private college, and only later did they realize they'd been through some lean times.

Now, things are good.  You no longer need to scrimp and save.  I fully support you doing whatever you want with your money.  Hey, slot machines aren't my thing, but you seem to enjoy it and you're not ruining your life with it. So, have fun.

But please, please, please STOP smothering us with the constant excess.  The buying so much food when you come over that we have to freeze it all and spend months eating it.  The mountains of noisy, plastic crap you buy for the kids.  The candy for every holiday.  It's too much. We don't need it.  We don't want it. 

Most of the time, I let it slide. Because I know you're trying to show us your love. But it feels like you don't respect our values. 

We'd rather just spend time with you.  Our kids are lucky to have so many people who love them, but the result is that we are constantly purging toys, and receiving a gift stops being a joyful experience.  A single small gift at Christmas and on birthdays is plenty.  Want to give more? Two words: COLLEGE FUND.

Love,
Your son's wife, mother of your grandchildren




Miss Piggy

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #216 on: March 09, 2017, 06:10:23 PM »
Having thought through it, there is literally one thing in the entire house I would want to inherit. A small unfolding card table, which they inherited from my great-aunt. Which, to be honest, they might as well get rid of now because all it's doing is holding a pot plant and getting in the fucking way EVERY SINGLE TIME they want to draw the curtains. ARGH. FUCK.

Huh. Which do you want--the table or the pot plant?  ;)

shelivesthedream

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #217 on: March 10, 2017, 03:24:12 AM »
Having thought through it, there is literally one thing in the entire house I would want to inherit. A small unfolding card table, which they inherited from my great-aunt. Which, to be honest, they might as well get rid of now because all it's doing is holding a pot plant and getting in the fucking way EVERY SINGLE TIME they want to draw the curtains. ARGH. FUCK.

Huh. Which do you want--the table or the pot plant?  ;)

AND ANOTHER THING-- just kidding :) But seriously, my intense hatred of pot plants is born out of my mothers desire to have several in every room, creating MORE CLUTTER.

dixonge

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #218 on: March 10, 2017, 03:39:10 AM »


Having thought through it, there is literally one thing in the entire house I would want to inherit. A small unfolding card table, which they inherited from my great-aunt. Which, to be honest, they might as well get rid of now because all it's doing is holding a pot plant and getting in the fucking way EVERY SINGLE TIME they want to draw the curtains. ARGH. FUCK.

Huh. Which do you want--the table or the pot plant?  ;)

AND ANOTHER THING-- just kidding :) But seriously, my intense hatred of pot plants is born out of my mothers desire to have several in every room, creating MORE CLUTTER.

A house full of pot? Your childhood must have been interesting... :)

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dixonge

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #219 on: March 10, 2017, 03:57:50 AM »
My parents. Their early choices set them on a course they were unable to adjust to. My father was a Baptist pastor and my mom was a 'housewife' even through she was certified to teach school. Until I graduated high school we lived on that one pastor salary. Had they chosen to be frugal we probably would have been fine. Instead they used credit and the generosity of strangers to skate by. After I went to college my Mom began teaching, so my brother got six years of expanded budget and reduced expenses.

When they were in their 70's I began helping with their budget, usually just getting them better one-year deals on TV/phone/internet bundles. My Dad worked until he was 80, putting in 35+ hours while being paid for 30. The church where he was pastor to senior citizens finally made a deal in order to officially retire him. A collection was taken up to retire his remaining debt. So he lost that paycheck and lost the debt payments, which left him at still very near breakeven each month. They occasionally borrowed money to meet monthly bills or extraordinary expenses.

They are now in an assisted living facility courtesy of their pensions, Social Security and a Veteran's assistance program. Without the latter, they would have been forced to find rather 'iffy' facilities. As it is, they are in a nice place which is an upgrade to their older mobile home.

Their experience has provided many lessons, mostly in what *not* to do. My brother and I have avoided the potholes for the most part, choosing professions that paid well and 'marrying up' in every sense of the word. His wife is inheriting the family business which she runs, and my wife's court reporting provided a salary that doubled mine and that will provide 3/4 of our pension income.

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little_miss_giggles

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #220 on: March 10, 2017, 01:08:09 PM »


Having thought through it, there is literally one thing in the entire house I would want to inherit. A small unfolding card table, which they inherited from my great-aunt. Which, to be honest, they might as well get rid of now because all it's doing is holding a pot plant and getting in the fucking way EVERY SINGLE TIME they want to draw the curtains. ARGH. FUCK.

Huh. Which do you want--the table or the pot plant?  ;)

AND ANOTHER THING-- just kidding :) But seriously, my intense hatred of pot plants is born out of my mothers desire to have several in every room, creating MORE CLUTTER.

A house full of pot? Your childhood must have been interesting... :)

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In other countries potted plants are called pot plants. 

dixonge

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #221 on: March 10, 2017, 01:16:13 PM »


Having thought through it, there is literally one thing in the entire house I would want to inherit. A small unfolding card table, which they inherited from my great-aunt. Which, to be honest, they might as well get rid of now because all it's doing is holding a pot plant and getting in the fucking way EVERY SINGLE TIME they want to draw the curtains. ARGH. FUCK.

Huh. Which do you want--the table or the pot plant?  ;)

AND ANOTHER THING-- just kidding :) But seriously, my intense hatred of pot plants is born out of my mothers desire to have several in every room, creating MORE CLUTTER.

A house full of pot? Your childhood must have been interesting... :)

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In other countries potted plants are called pot plants.
I liked my version better lol. Just having some fun with word play :)

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Cassie

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #222 on: March 10, 2017, 01:59:21 PM »
 It's funny how stuff you grew up with still can bug people:)) Every spring I buy 5 potted plants that only last a season and enjoy them on my patio for about 5 months. I buy them at Walmart so pretty cheap. We do have other plants in our yard that come up every year.

merula

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #223 on: March 13, 2017, 08:47:42 AM »
The pot plant/potted plant debacle inspired me and an English friend to come up with phrases that are completely innocent in one dialect and completely inappropriate in another.

Winners: "My gran gave me chew and a pot plant." "These pants show off my fanny."

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #224 on: March 13, 2017, 09:36:16 AM »
The pot plant/potted plant debacle inspired me and an English friend to come up with phrases that are completely innocent in one dialect and completely inappropriate in another.

Winners: "My gran gave me chew and a pot plant." "These pants show off my fanny."

"Have a little snort with us, will you?"
I squeak softly, but carry a big schtick.

Sibley

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #225 on: March 14, 2017, 11:09:17 AM »
Mom, dad, thank you for giving me access to your finances. Unfortunately, you're in bad shape and there will be hard decisions in the future.

You're living paycheck to paycheck and paying $12 a month to the bank for a checking account. We need to fix this. Which means I'm researching banks and deciding what's best then recommending it.

I'm not going to even discuss the grocery and restaurant expenses. I'm well aware of the cause and there's nothing I can do right now (total is about $600 per month for 2 people, in LCOL). I choose to pick a different battle. Like the bank. Not the smoking, because if I haven't won that one by now, it'll take a lifestyle upheaval to win.

Also, apparently I need to talk to mom to find out what the hell caused a $12k credit card balance when last year you told my sister you'd paid off all debt except house and car. And I'm pretty sure you know that credit card balances are debt.

Dad, you're being evaluated to determine if you're still safe to drive (hint: we're pretty sure the answer is no). No, it's not an option. Yes, it sucks and we'll be happy to teach you how to use Uber and Lyft if necessary. But this also means that the chances of you driving all over the east coast in May is pretty much zero. Sorry, but mom also doesn't want to do that. You'll live. You're both welcome to come visit me instead. Dementia sucks.

Sorry to hear about your Dad.. That does suck..:(

It does suck.

Have recommended Huntington Bank for them, and I might switch to them eventually myself. Still haven't asked about the credit card, dad's been home every time I call and I think I need to get mom alone. But it also has a 16% interest rate, so will also be getting them to transfer that balance to something else. I suspect that I'll be going there in April and basically doing all this stuff for them, because I don't think they're capable.

And they are flying to the east coast, rather than driving, for my sister's graduation. Damn, my sister is GOOD at manipulation. I was on the phone and I still don't know how she did it.

AlanStache

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #226 on: March 14, 2017, 01:16:32 PM »
Parental unit and I have fairly good communication, but there are still areas I wish were addressed; the first being a lack of pot:-)
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MgoSam

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #227 on: March 14, 2017, 02:05:24 PM »
The pot plant/potted plant debacle inspired me and an English friend to come up with phrases that are completely innocent in one dialect and completely inappropriate in another.

Winners: "My gran gave me chew and a pot plant." "These pants show off my fanny."

"Have a little snort with us, will you?"

In India they apparently refer to an eraser as a "rubber" when conversing in English. It is a very frequently used joke in comedies (at least from what I remember growing up).

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #228 on: March 15, 2017, 06:09:34 AM »
The pot plant/potted plant debacle inspired me and an English friend to come up with phrases that are completely innocent in one dialect and completely inappropriate in another.

Winners: "My gran gave me chew and a pot plant." "These pants show off my fanny."

"Have a little snort with us, will you?"

In India they apparently refer to an eraser as a "rubber" when conversing in English. It is a very frequently used joke in comedies (at least from what I remember growing up).
Actually rubber is the common term for eraser in English-speaking countries/Commonwealth.
When my dad moved to the US (after I did), he worked at an HMO. One day he asked me why everyone laughs when he asks if anyone has a rubber he can borrow to correct some penciled-in checklists.
My brother and I laughed, then looked at each other. You tell him. No, YOU tell him!
We still ask my dad if he needs a rubber.
Some kids will always be assholes.

Back on topic: My parents are mustachian so I have nothing to contribute to this thread. No fake news, no alternative facts. Sad!
If I genuinely enjoy my profession and workplace, is there a reason to FIRE? Keep Calm and Carry On Milking.

TOgirl

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #229 on: March 21, 2017, 07:24:48 AM »
Dear In-laws,

Sell your way too big and expensive house. You can't afford it. Move to a cheap condo and pay off all your debts.

FIL, you should have saved money for retirement. Or even figured out how much your pension and old age benefits would be, before just retiring "because I'm 65 and not working anymore"....

MIL, you should have kept your job 10 years ago, when they informed you the office was moving 30min further away. You should not have quit and pretended that you were retired. Especially without running the numbers. Especially when you then needed to get another job...which pays half of what your old job paid, with no benefits or pension...that is in the exact location that you quit over...

You should stop enabling your adult children (not DH and I) and force them out. They don't contribute, and they have full time jobs.

Maybe also consider not buying my kids crap all the time. They don't need it. They do want you to pay attention to them and play with them. They know you don't do either.

Lastly, maybe pay your utility bills. Seeing unpaid bills on your counter stresses me out. Especially when I know they've been unpaid for a few months.

Ok, ok....also, please don't make comments about why you have so many expenses and blame them on your son. "well, I have to work because he didn't make the major leagues (MLB) like friends' son did, so I have to pay for my own things" and then stare at me like I should offer to pay your bills. You are a grown up. You do have to pay for your own things.

Sincerely,

A fed up DIL who is not going to let you live in my basement.

infogoon

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #230 on: March 21, 2017, 11:25:51 AM »
You know the only reason you were able to retire early and still have health insurance was because of that ROTTEN, TERRIBLE, DIRTY UN-AMERICAN SOCIALIST Obamacare, right?

Why would you vote so proudly for the guy who can't wait to pull it out from under you?

Whatever. At least if you have to go back to work you won't be melding with the couch and watching Fox News all day any more.

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #231 on: March 21, 2017, 11:27:39 AM »
Dear In-laws,

Sell your way too big and expensive house. You can't afford it. Move to a cheap condo and pay off all your debts.
...
A fed up DIL who is not going to let you live in my basement.

My story except with a side helping of: you know you have negative equity. Please stop offering to 'give' us the house like it is a favour. You are asking us to take over your debt.

Even if we wanted a rental house four hours away from where we live we wouldn't choose to rent to people who don't pay their bills. Stop telling your child that this is a savvy investment for them. It is not and I think you know that. You are clutching at straws because you want to live in a house that you can't afford.

You are a grown up. You do have to pay for your own things.

Rubyvroom

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #232 on: March 21, 2017, 12:12:52 PM »
Oh sweet Jeebus, here goes...

In-laws, please stop telling your kids that education is not important and it's "normal" to have a level of credit card debt at all times in life. The level of de-programming that had to take place for your older adult children when they moved out came at a high cost of screwed up credit scores and financial burdens that they are only now digging out of. Also, stop making references to apparent dick-bags at your work with their "fancy degrees." I have a fancy degree. Many people have fancy degrees. Also, file your goddamn taxes. You probably get refunds every year! File them!!! You are literally leaving money on the table... that could be used to pay down your credit card debt. Also know that we still love you and, like people planning to have kids, we are planning on having parents... meaning, we try to leave ourselves options wherever possible to help you out of an inevitable jam. We know you have saved nothing. Literally nothing. You are starting to realize this yourselves, even, given the awkward conversations about IRAs we had at the last family gathering. We are absolutely more than willing to help you navigate this area of life that you are just now starting to think about. Please, please, keep thinking about it. And jfc, pay off the credit cards. When we say "no gifts" at Xmas, we flippin mean it.

Step mother, stop spending my dad's money. Your "arrangement" to stop working because it caused you both stress for meager amounts of money makes sense on the surface and I truly support that ideology. HOWEVER, that does not mean that you, as the stay at home mother of 2 poorly behaved dogs and 3 cats get to increase your apparent status in life by buying all the fancy shit you never had and my dad never wanted. He is a man of simple pleasures. He'd eat KFC and watch Star Trek every night and be thoroughly satisfied with that lifestyle. Step mother, you once bought me a box of 9 "designer" chocolates for Xmas. I later looked it up online and that box costed $75. WHY does something like that even EXIST in this world... ok it existing is not your fault, but for the love of all that's holy STOP BUYING OVERPRICED USELESS SHIT. I dread the day I have to clean out the house of all the belongings. Yes we all notice that the house decorations change monthly, but frankly we all wonder why that seems so important to you. Someday I will be tasked with throwing all that garbage away. Thanks for that /golfclap. You've easily added 10 additional working years to my dad's life. If/when his health starts to suffer as a result of being overworked to maintain this new lifestyle you've become so obsessive about, I hope you have the wherewithal to understand the very active role you've played in diminishing his enjoyment in life.

Dad, wtf. I do truly hope she makes you happy and you have this all worked out in some kind of master plan. I have to believe that things will work out for you two. If I have to bury you while you're still working I'm going to fucking let her have it.

Mom, the ex-drug addict, ex-convict, in an unending state of recovery. You somehow manage to hold down a good job and are independent and you spend FAR less than you earn. Who knew you'd turn out ok. You had a rough start, but damn it all, keep it up.


*heavenly singing*
And then the clouds parted and I felt as satisfied as I did when watching John Oliver blow up the gigantic 2016 a few months ago.

Miss Piggy

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #233 on: March 22, 2017, 02:38:36 PM »
Dad, wtf. I do truly hope she makes you happy and you have this all worked out in some kind of master plan. I have to believe that things will work out for you two. If I have to bury you while you're still working I'm going to fucking let her have it.
^ That makes me really sad.

Mom, the ex-drug addict, ex-convict, in an unending state of recovery. You somehow manage to hold down a good job and are independent and you spend FAR less than you earn. Who knew you'd turn out ok. You had a rough start, but damn it all, keep it up.
^But THIS makes me smile. GO, MOM!
(It also gives me a bit of hope for the addict in our family.)

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #234 on: May 20, 2017, 05:55:02 AM »
Dear In-laws,

Sell your way too big and expensive house. You can't afford it. Move to a cheap condo and pay off all your debts.
...
A fed up DIL who is not going to let you live in my basement.

My story except with a side helping of: you know you have negative equity. Please stop offering to 'give' us the house like it is a favour. You are asking us to take over your debt.

Even if we wanted a rental house four hours away from where we live we wouldn't choose to rent to people who don't pay their bills. Stop telling your child that this is a savvy investment for them. It is not and I think you know that. You are clutching at straws because you want to live in a house that you can't afford.

You are a grown up. You do have to pay for your own things.

I have an update to this over in the Journals here. Tales of woe are offered and advice sought.

starjay

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #235 on: May 20, 2017, 09:05:34 PM »
Dear future MIL, who I love dearly but also want to throttle. You're well into your 60s. You can barely pay the minimums on your debt, your current life plan is to work until you're not capable of working anymore and then your kids take care of you. WHY. Why continuously prioritize concerts, clothes, and parties over getting your shit straight? I know you're stressed over money and cashflow and your financial future. We've had that conversation multiple times. You're proud of me (if bewildered by it) for clawing my way out of debt. 

Ugh. No, I did NOT need to see Rock n' Roll legend live in concert. No, you did not need to buy we four "kids" tickets to Rock Legend's concert this summer. I know this set you back probably $700-$800. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? We all said no to buying tickets to the concert because of the ticket price and our relative states of being broke and/or fiscally responsible. We were all okay with not going. But not you. No, you decided for us. I appreciate  the generosity of spirit, but not the shitty decision making that's behind it.

And now we get to hear about how you can't afford basic maintenance of your home. Which, you know, you could actually fucking afford if you'd take one year off of concerts and clothes hoarding. Hell, if you'd sell some of your EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF CLOTHING AND SHOES you could fund some of the needed house maintenance. But no, no adjustment to your behavior is needed. You're fine. You're just going to work until you can't work anymore, and we'll be the ones caring for you, with no resources from you to help.

Apples

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #236 on: May 22, 2017, 08:29:07 AM »
Dear future MIL, who I love dearly but also want to throttle. You're well into your 60s. You can barely pay the minimums on your debt, your current life plan is to work until you're not capable of working anymore and then your kids take care of you. WHY. Why continuously prioritize concerts, clothes, and parties over getting your shit straight? I know you're stressed over money and cashflow and your financial future. We've had that conversation multiple times. You're proud of me (if bewildered by it) for clawing my way out of debt. 

Ugh. No, I did NOT need to see Rock n' Roll legend live in concert. No, you did not need to buy we four "kids" tickets to Rock Legend's concert this summer. I know this set you back probably $700-$800. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? We all said no to buying tickets to the concert because of the ticket price and our relative states of being broke and/or fiscally responsible. We were all okay with not going. But not you. No, you decided for us. I appreciate  the generosity of spirit, but not the shitty decision making that's behind it.

And now we get to hear about how you can't afford basic maintenance of your home. Which, you know, you could actually fucking afford if you'd take one year off of concerts and clothes hoarding. Hell, if you'd sell some of your EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF CLOTHING AND SHOES you could fund some of the needed house maintenance. But no, no adjustment to your behavior is needed. You're fine. You're just going to work until you can't work anymore, and we'll be the ones caring for you, with no resources from you to help.

I think my MIL and your MIL might be friends.  My MIL isn't quite as far gone as this, but definitely the same pattern.

starjay

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #237 on: May 25, 2017, 12:02:07 PM »
Dear future MIL, who I love dearly but also want to throttle. You're well into your 60s. You can barely pay the minimums on your debt, your current life plan is to work until you're not capable of working anymore and then your kids take care of you. WHY. Why continuously prioritize concerts, clothes, and parties over getting your shit straight? I know you're stressed over money and cashflow and your financial future. We've had that conversation multiple times. You're proud of me (if bewildered by it) for clawing my way out of debt. 

Ugh. No, I did NOT need to see Rock n' Roll legend live in concert. No, you did not need to buy we four "kids" tickets to Rock Legend's concert this summer. I know this set you back probably $700-$800. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? We all said no to buying tickets to the concert because of the ticket price and our relative states of being broke and/or fiscally responsible. We were all okay with not going. But not you. No, you decided for us. I appreciate  the generosity of spirit, but not the shitty decision making that's behind it.

And now we get to hear about how you can't afford basic maintenance of your home. Which, you know, you could actually fucking afford if you'd take one year off of concerts and clothes hoarding. Hell, if you'd sell some of your EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF CLOTHING AND SHOES you could fund some of the needed house maintenance. But no, no adjustment to your behavior is needed. You're fine. You're just going to work until you can't work anymore, and we'll be the ones caring for you, with no resources from you to help.

I think my MIL and your MIL might be friends.  My MIL isn't quite as far gone as this, but definitely the same pattern.

I hope your MIL doesn't/hasn't put herself in the same financial position as mine. She's a lovely human being, and I could do much, much worse for a MIL. I feel mildly guilty about venting here, but it's the safest place to do so, since pretty much everyone I know IRL knows her, and I don't want to share her financial business with folks who actually know her/will run into her at parties and gatherings. As much as I love her, I find her financial decision-making abilities endlessly frustrating.

JanetJackson

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #238 on: July 24, 2017, 10:54:53 AM »
Dear mom and dad.
Please move out of extremely rural Ohio.... Or tweak your planning a bit...

They've clung to the house that we grew up in, for what I can only imagine are sentimental reasons.  The house is maybe 115-120yrs old and built into a hill; my 70 year old father still push mows the hill (this gives me a heart attack every time I hear about it) and stacks bricks to even out his 35 year old ladder in order to clean the gutters.  They're very very mustachian and bought the house for 28k in 1975 (ish, maybe earlier) and made it a safe home for us over the years, but they would have had so many more options (my dad only knew how to operate one type of metal machine, so he worked at the same shop with multiple lay offs for 30+ years -- my mother drove an hour each way to be basically an administrative assistant and they JUST FIRED HER after she'd been there for over 20 years, is 9 months from retirement, and had to take medical leave to have a tumor removed) .... or at least they would now, if they took a chance and moved away.

They're now both retired and the house is honestly kind of falling apart.  They could sell it for maybe... 60k and get a rancher somewhere with milder winters.  My dad has SO MUCH anxiety related to change... And they are so so so frugal, I don't know if they'll do it until someone gets hurt. :(  My mom still washes plastic bags, they just got AC a few years ago, and my dad is always on some kind of money saving venture, but miserable about it. 
They have no friends and complain constantly about the "country" mindsets of their neighbors...

  All they ever do is complain about how they were poor and how they're still poor... and recount stories of the jobs they hated.  I want them to realize some level of success in their mustachianism - I want them to find a better balance.  It doesn't have to be about obsessive sacrifice... it's ok for mom to buy work out pants (omg she wants to exercise outside but won't because she only has one "fitness outfit" that is a pair of my dads old boxers and a ripped up Toronto t-shirt, but she's freaking out about spending $20 on a tank top and pair of stretchy pants).... SIGHHHHHHHHHHH



Also my dad has a 1950's Chevy Bel Air and got it for like $1500 when I was a kid.  He's been laid off many times, they've had to take over my grandparents medical fees, etc. etc.  and he's listed it on Ebay three or four times but closed the auction every time.  I get it, he's never had anything "nice" besides this car (my mom came from an average family, but my dad was quite poor... like eat squirrels/small birds poor), and it has significant value now... and he loves taking my mom for a ride in it once or twice a year... but gosh.... We were on food stamps a large portion of my childhood.... Maybe sell it?  He thinks it has more growing value than any investment he could make with the money...

MustachiansWitness

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #239 on: July 24, 2017, 02:23:50 PM »

MIL, you should have kept your job 10 years ago, when they informed you the office was moving 30min further away.


Well everything that followed this sentence sounds pretty bad, but quitting a job because the office moves 30 minutes away, and I'm assuming you mean 30 minutes away by car, was a Mustachian move on her part. Unless they were going to help pay for her relocation, employers need to be taught that it is not ok to expect their employees to suddenly start spending tens of thousands of dollars a year on excessive commuting by car and continue to be loyal worker drones.

Perhaps in some circumstances it would make more sense to rent a nearby apartment on a short term basis while looking for a new job though.

mamagoose

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #240 on: July 24, 2017, 02:34:43 PM »
Dear Mama,

Please put away the cigarettes and sweet tea. Also, please don't buy me or my kid extravagant Christmas and birthday gifts, because we know you work double shifts at a restaurant that treats you like dirt to pay for your shopping addiction. Finally, please stay single, stop marrying jerks that treat you like an indentured servant and are terrible stepdads, and go back to school so you can get your dream job running a preschool. Let me pay for your college.
The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.

Chesleygirl

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #241 on: July 24, 2017, 06:59:19 PM »
My Dad and his wife both have car payments. Both in their 70s. They have spent all their money on vacations, nice things, addictive behaviors. Now they are flat broke. They know I have come into some money and of course, have asked about getting some of it. No. Just no.   Once I receive the bulk of an inheritance (next year) I'm using it mostly to fund my IRA, college savings plans for my kids, what's left over will be put into emergency savings funds. I'm not giving money to irresponsible people so they can keep spending like drunken sailors.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2017, 07:00:53 PM by Chesleygirl »

Sibley

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #242 on: July 25, 2017, 11:41:13 AM »
This one is new...

Mom, I understand that dad has dementia. I understand that it's hard to live with him. I understand he drives you up the wall sometimes. I get it.

But. You can't run away and garden at my house forever. I don't mind you visiting, I don't mind you gardening. But there will come a time when you CAN NOT leave dad alone. It would be helpful if you could figure out how to cope before that happens.

Fudge102

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #243 on: July 25, 2017, 12:28:26 PM »
Dear Aunt,

You really can't find the money to come to my wedding and spend time with family at the venue?  Your three children are all grown up and out of college.  They don't need you to pay for them.  You have a second home up north and five cars.  You can stop going there every weekend.  You can stop driving the motor boat around while you're there.  You can stop going out to eat all the time.  You can stop buying each person 1000 Christmas presents.  Or since you've never worked a day in your life and have always been a stay home mom, you can go out and get a job.  Even just two months at minimum wage would be more than enough to cover the cost of everyone that you don't need to pay for in the first place.  Oh and do I need to remind you that the second you found out about this, your first thought was, "maybe we can all stay there for an entire week and make a get away of all this."  I'm not asking for a week, just a weekend.  You are the most visibly wealthy in our family.  Don't tell me that I don't know how to budget.  There is a difference between budgeting and spending.  You are choosing to spend everything on your immediate children and ignoring the rest of us and then blaming us when you have to, "shoulder the burden."

That felt good.  I wish she could actually hear that and not go all drama queen.

Cassie

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #244 on: July 25, 2017, 12:36:16 PM »
Sibley, please let your Mom escape while she still can. My Mom went through this with my Dad and escaped as much as she could before she was tied down. Being a caregiver is a terrible burden and people need to get some sanity. When she is stuck home she will cope for awhile, then his needs will become overwhelming and he will need to go to a home.  He will stay up all night and sleep during day, wear diapers, etc. A few years ago a good friend of mine got it early in her 50's and when her DH's cancer got so bad he could not care for her or himself I had to  put her in a home. Give your Mom a hug for me:))

Sibley

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #245 on: July 25, 2017, 08:11:12 PM »
Sibley, please let your Mom escape while she still can. My Mom went through this with my Dad and escaped as much as she could before she was tied down. Being a caregiver is a terrible burden and people need to get some sanity. When she is stuck home she will cope for awhile, then his needs will become overwhelming and he will need to go to a home.  He will stay up all night and sleep during day, wear diapers, etc. A few years ago a good friend of mine got it early in her 50's and when her DH's cancer got so bad he could not care for her or himself I had to  put her in a home. Give your Mom a hug for me:))

Oh, I know. And I do. She's here now actually for a few days. But she doesn't have any sort of coping mechanism, and its becoming a problem. She has no friends, no support aside from her daughters, and we have our own emotions and lives to cope with. We can't be her therapist. We've suggested and asked that she see a therapist, even just a few times, but she won't.

Cassie

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #246 on: July 26, 2017, 03:12:38 PM »
Yes your Mom needs her own friends and life. My Mom always had her own friends and I do too. YOu can't expect your kids to be your social life.

stealthwealth

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #247 on: July 26, 2017, 04:06:08 PM »
Mom and Dad - You let your experience with a couple bad renters twenty years ago turn your investment property into a tax drain and neighborhood eyesore.  In the meantime it could have generated at least another $300k in rent rather than costing yourselves money to not rent the units out.  No one is going to sweep in and buy out the neighborhood and pay you 150% what the property is currently worth.  Your 40 year old AC unit that is probably operating at SEER 8 costs $300+ a month in the summer while mine costs $120.  Replace it with even a low end model and you'll pay for it in 3 or 4 years.  Your refrigerator is stocked full of name brand items that taste no different than generics, which easily costs you $50 a week in food costs. 

Poundwise

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #248 on: July 26, 2017, 04:50:35 PM »
MIL-- I know you're bored now that you are retired, but could you find another hobby besides buying houses & filling them up with crap?  Isn't 4 houses enough for two people?  Have you ever thought about giving back to the community?

shelivesthedream

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #249 on: July 27, 2017, 01:44:15 AM »
MIL-- I know you're bored now that you are retired, but could you find another hobby besides buying houses & filling them up with crap?  Isn't 4 houses enough for two people?  Have you ever thought about giving back to the community?

When I read about parents whose hobby is buying discounted crap and forcing it on their children, I often think wistfully about how great it would be if the impulse could be directed somewhere useful. Buying food and toiletries on sale and giving to a food bank, buying children's clothes and toys to be given to orphanages or hospital wards, buying professional clothing on sale to give to homeless jobseekers...