Author Topic: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents  (Read 57571 times)

Toffeemama

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #100 on: February 25, 2015, 03:13:16 PM »
MIL: 
I'm sorry that you feel like I'm taking your Precious Son and grandchildren away from you, but we can't afford to live in this area any more.  Even if we could, we would still move because we hate it here.  Your son has no interest in a cushy government desk job where he'll get to sit on his ass for 12 hours a day like your husband.  Our comfort is not nearly as important as our happiness.  I know you think those two things are one and the same, but they aren't.

I know you're scared for us.  You're scared of everything, and it's nearly crippled your children.  But we can make it.  We're stronger than you, and we work hard, no matter what you think.  Don't try to give us any more money to try and keep us here.  A gilded cage is still that - a cage.  So be quiet, and watch us soar.

zephyr911

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #101 on: February 27, 2015, 09:45:27 AM »
Your son has no interest in a cushy government desk job where he'll get to sit on his ass for 12 hours a day like your husband.
+1!!!!
I actually discovered this site right around the time I decided to make quitting my cushy government desk job my highest priority, so I pretty much equate that sentiment with the essence of Mustachianism.
There are people who are made for it, I guess, working 30 or 40 years and letting the FERS system do their retirement savings for them, and then there are people like me and your husband who want something more. I send high fives.
But as a self-defined gold digger myself
Props for candor! LMAO
Quote
Oh and stop using instances of previous financial help (all when we were under 18, none of it was money you earned) to manipulate me and my sister. Because of you I have a really hard time accepting gifts or favours of any kind.
God damn, that is awful. Is a good old-fashioned backhand out of the question?
I imagine this particular bit of baggage makes it hard to succeed as a gold-digger... ;)
« Last Edit: February 27, 2015, 10:49:11 AM by zephyr911 »
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irishbear99

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #102 on: March 02, 2015, 05:57:44 PM »
I am NOT your retirement plan. Any money I might have used to assist in your old age was spent on more than a decade of therapy to un-screw my head from your abuse.

(I've said the first sentence. Sometimes I wish I'd had the cajones to say the second; but we don't talk much anymore, so I suppose it's OBE.)

Pooperman

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #103 on: March 03, 2015, 05:39:56 AM »
Mom, enjoy your $5k/wk retirement plan. I know you made tons of cash and want to travel, but come on, you know you won't spend that much every year! Oh, by the way, thanks in advance for the giant inheritance.

Dad, take this double-barreled FU. I'm kinda glad your get-rich quick scheme of FIRE failed as it did.

MooseOutFront

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #104 on: March 03, 2015, 07:57:59 AM »
Dad,
Read a book for once.  You've done great and your federal pension will be plenty forever no matter what you do with the income from your 2nd career, but quit just blindly sending your money to your local small town Edward Jones agent.  You like money and you have plenty of time on your hands and many years left to live, so please educate yourself on issues of investing and estate planning instead of just "having a guy" for that.

zephyr911

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #105 on: March 03, 2015, 08:13:23 AM »
Mom, enjoy your $5k/wk retirement plan. I know you made tons of cash and want to travel, but come on, you know you won't spend that much every year! Oh, by the way, thanks in advance for the giant inheritance.
Wait... I'm having trouble parsing the layers of sarcasm. What's the actual plan? Is it paid for?
Quote
Dad, take this double-barreled FU. I'm kinda glad your get-rich quick scheme of FIRE failed as it did.
You two must have a great relationship....
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lisahi

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #106 on: March 03, 2015, 08:28:15 AM »
My Dad is very unmustachian. I think my Mom would be mustachian if left to her on devices, although perhaps she just looks really good next to my Dad.

Thing is--I wouldn't tell them anything. My parents are well-off financially. They aren't super rich, but they have a steady income flow that will continue, for the most part, even after one of them dies. Yes, my Mom gets frustrated that my Dad spends too much, but there's no worry about going broke. They're in a very specialized position, financially.

My Mom is retired. My Dad works, but only because he's the type of guy that wouldn't know what to do with himself if he didn't work. Financially, he could retire.

So I've given up on worrying about their financial decisions, like a new car every 2 years (seriously), or the number of barely usable kitchen gadgets my Dad buys, uses once, and forgets about, or the TV/internet plan that includes every single channel you could imagine and costs about $300 per month. I figure that this is their retirement and if they're not going to run out of money before they pass, then let them have fun.

rockstache

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #107 on: March 03, 2015, 08:54:40 AM »
Dad, when your inheritance finally comes in, please don't blow through it. Your kids are counting on it to see you through to the end.

Mom, you sacrificed a lot to raise us alone and even though you weren't always financially savvy, and sometimes tried to overcompensate by giving us gifts that you couldn't afford, we do appreciate your sacrifices. You have a really great attitude now about getting things in order so you won't be a burden on us and I hope that everything you have planned works out for you in the end. If it doesn't, well...that's a big motivating factor to me for having my sh** together, so don't worry, we'll figure it out.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2016, 10:38:40 AM by rockstache »

Pooperman

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #108 on: March 03, 2015, 10:34:21 AM »
Mom, enjoy your $5k/wk retirement plan. I know you made tons of cash and want to travel, but come on, you know you won't spend that much every year! Oh, by the way, thanks in advance for the giant inheritance.
Wait... I'm having trouble parsing the layers of sarcasm. What's the actual plan? Is it paid for?
Quote
Dad, take this double-barreled FU. I'm kinda glad your get-rich quick scheme of FIRE failed as it did.
You two must have a great relationship....

My mother should have retired years ago, but she likes to spend and will end up retiring with far more than necessary. My father's an * and I don't talk to him anymore for so many reasons. Making me hate someone is very hard to do, and he's the only one to ever have accomplished that. Thankfully, they divorced years ago, and I've got an awesome step-father.

zephyr911

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #109 on: March 03, 2015, 11:46:55 AM »
My mother should have retired years ago, but she likes to spend and will end up retiring with far more than necessary. My father's an * and I don't talk to him anymore for so many reasons. Making me hate someone is very hard to do, and he's the only one to ever have accomplished that. Thankfully, they divorced years ago, and I've got an awesome step-father.
Forgive me if I'm prying, but I'm deathly curious as to the get-rich-quick scheme.
I am not a cog. I am an organizational lubricant.

Pooperman

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #110 on: March 03, 2015, 12:54:16 PM »
My mother should have retired years ago, but she likes to spend and will end up retiring with far more than necessary. My father's an * and I don't talk to him anymore for so many reasons. Making me hate someone is very hard to do, and he's the only one to ever have accomplished that. Thankfully, they divorced years ago, and I've got an awesome step-father.
Forgive me if I'm prying, but I'm deathly curious as to the get-rich-quick scheme.

Real estate in 02-08, churning startups, poker, general grandiose ideas with little/no follow-through.

zephyr911

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #111 on: March 03, 2015, 01:43:10 PM »
Real estate in 02-08, churning startups, poker, general grandiose ideas with little/no follow-through.
I am not a cog. I am an organizational lubricant.

Chuck

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #112 on: March 04, 2015, 11:16:33 AM »
Dad, I know that you had a near miss with Worldcom back in the day, and a lot of your coworkers lost lots of money.

But really. Equities are essential to saving for retirement. They are not gambling. The manipulations Worldcom and Enron used are no longer plausible today.

Please start saving for your retirement.

MishMash

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #113 on: March 04, 2015, 11:52:26 AM »
Mom, your lack of life planning, saving and insurance does NOT mean that I am responsible for paying for your anniversary party and dads funeral and what happens to you after he passes

What I wish I could say...probably NOT what is going to happen though, dads down to 18% heart function so it's only a matter of time, there is no life insurance and zero in savings, what little they did have went to medical bills so someone has to foot the bill.  My brother is broke, unemployed and living with them, my sister is a psychotic crazy person.

Exflyboy

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #114 on: March 04, 2015, 06:51:35 PM »
I have learned my Parents don't listen to a damn thing I say about anything.

Example:

My BIL has a diesel powered car.. he's out there cranking the engine for like 5 minutues and it barely starts.. My Dad proclaims "Oh its the battery".. to which his Son (me) who is a professional engineer with 30 years of experience (and who has owned several diesel powered cars and never sent a car to a mechanic in my life) pointed out that was not true.. and then proceeded to tell him it was the glow plugs. I offered the change out the GP for BIL (ignored).. # months later he takes it a mechanic.. guess what it was?.. Duh.

The point of this is I just don't bother saying anything.. on any subject.. no point.. infuriating.. but still, no point.

Oh and they have a 10 year old car with a loan on it too.. !

freznow

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #115 on: March 04, 2015, 07:06:03 PM »
My parents aren't terribly "un"mustachian, but they are much closer to normal than I'd like.

When I had my first internship, I made a pretty penny. I saved half of what I made. My father said "Don't deprive yourself.  Spend another 25%. You'll still be saving a lot for your age."  And I could not convince him that I wasn't depriving myself - in fact, I felt like I was spending extravagantly! But, for some reason, % of income spent determines quality of life more than actual quality???

My parents are also currently house hunting.  They're looking at $500k+, 4000+ sq ft monstrosities. Granted, it will be housing 6 people, but 4 of those are children/grandchildren who will be moving out as soon as they've finished school, so what are they going to do with 2000 sq ft each?

There was a year when our family of 6 lived in a 1500 sqft 3 bed 1.5 bath and not only survived, but it was actually quite livable. I'd kinda understand if they wanted a 3000 sq ft place now, since they have more money and want a nice place, but I really really don't understand the need for such a mega monster of a house.

I generally keep my remarks to my own personal preferences for a smaller space, because they have enough money to be alright with such a mortgage, but I'm not going to feel sorry for them if they can't find the funds to fly out to see me in the future because of it.

cashstasherat23

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #116 on: March 11, 2015, 11:49:35 AM »
My parents are so bad with money it drives me insane!!!

In the last few years they have declared bankruptcy after my father lost his job, started a business, closed said business after it wasn't making money, then couldn't find another job. My mother works full time to support all the bills they have, because they never stopped living the upper middle class lifestyle they had even after my father lost his fancy sales job.

Due to declaring bankruptcy, they have decided to just walk away from the house, and instead my mom got a job in another state where they are now renting one house, still paying for utilities in the other house as my siblings still live there, and basically waiting for the bank to take it.

The raise my mother got in her new job is quite good, but instead of paying down their significant debts, they just keep spending more and more. My dad uses my credit card, supposed to be just for utilities, but I now see him spending hundreds/thousands of dollars a month on audio equipment and other junk, all because supposedly they have money now! (note: he does pay it back in full each month, but I know they have many other things they should be using that money for) They also got a new leased car right before declaring bankruptcy, because hey, we won't be able to get a new car once we do it! Dinners out with new friends 3x a week, take out food the rest of the time, vacations, shopping for new clothes...the spending has ramped up, if anything. Now they are paying for that along with everything else.

They are going to go right down the same path and it's frustrating and stupid that even with their significant mistakes, they haven't learned a thing. Ugh, it's so frustrating!

Edit: My father also texts me multiple times a week telling me that now is the time to buy into one stock or the other, because they are down and going to hit it big in the next few weeks. I have told him many times that I am not interested in investing that way, but he doesn't get the picture, and is convinced that I am the dumb one for not following his get rich quick schemes.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2015, 11:51:43 AM by cashstasherat23 »

Hey It's Moe

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #117 on: March 11, 2015, 12:14:23 PM »
Let me count the things...

My dear mother believes the government will cut her tax return if she "saves too much."

My dear mother works at a low-paying job, and spends over one-week's pay on it per month. In other words, 1/4th of her working hours are spent paying for the car.

My dear father works at a low-paying job as well, but his is 3 blocks away. He has been discussing with dear mother for months that he also needs a car.

Whenever the subject of saving comes up, my dear parents stoically state, "God will provide."

My dear mother claims all of the household money goes to "necessary expenses." The cabinets are cluttered with snacks, we still have cable and a land line, did I mention the car, and we order delivery multiple times a month.

I love my parents, but I seriously don't understand how two adults could have possibly functioned up to this point without even the most basic money skills...

Lanthiriel

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #118 on: March 11, 2015, 04:54:18 PM »
My dad is fine. He has very Mustachian tendencies, and while his current girlfriend has turned him into a little more of a spendypants than he has ever been, he still lives comfortably within a reasonable budget. He also has a TSP and a good pension when he decides to stop working.

But my mom... not so much. For years after they divorced, she tried to live like she had when they were together. Then the first sibling left for college and her child support went down. Then another. Then alimony ran out. Now she's trying to make ends meet on a low-wage, part-time job. Her friends talked her out of going to school telling her everything she wanted to do was useless. So she's a 50+ year old woman with genes that will let her live well into her 80s, and she has basically nothing in savings and no skills to turn into a decent career.

She has cut her spending way back in the last few years, but it's still not to levels that will ever allow her to retire. She came to visit us for a week recently, and on the last day, she said, "Let's go out to lunch and let me buy you some stuff for your house since I've spent so little money since I've been here." I could not talk her out of it--just mitigate. We did a diner for lunch and I insisted on loving some cheaper items to keep costs down.

I think for her, money equals love. If I could tell her one thing, it would be that, that is just not the case.

Frugalite

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #119 on: March 24, 2015, 08:13:55 PM »
Dear Mom,

I am sorry that you and your husband spent $1.3 million dollars in a matter of years and you are no longer living that lifestyle. Since you obviously weren't great with THAT money, how about trying out some advice from me once and a while on how to not go completely broke again. Let's start with your gas guzzling truck.....


Still love you,

Daughter

tofuchampion

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #120 on: April 09, 2015, 11:44:31 PM »
Well, I think the shit might be hitting the fan soon for my parents.

My dad has cancer. He just found out last week and started chemo this week. Luckily for him, it's a very treatable kind with a good prognosis. Unluckily, this is probably going to bankrupt my parents. They don't have real insurance, they use something called Samaritan Ministries, which is a Christian healthcare cost-sharing organization. Basically instead of paying a premium, you send that amount to whoever's bills are being paid that month, and if you have a need, you submit it and then people send you money for it. I don't know details of what it covers, but they are going to have a lot of out-of-pocket costs. Someone set up a gofundme which says that prescriptions will be $1600/mo after "insurance." ($1300 raised so far; goal of $6000.)

THEN, my mom sends out a mass text to me & the siblings today saying that their landlord is selling the house they live in, so they're going to be moving. She adds that they want to buy instead of rent this time.

Ummm... these people have no emergency fund. They live paycheck-to-paycheck. They are in their late 50's (mom will be 59 this year; dad will be 57) with no retirement savings. They have NOTHING except a house full of clutter; where the hell do they think a down payment is going to come from? And then mortgage, insurance, taxes, repairs, etc. Plus the medical bills, and possibly decreased ability to work (my dad's job is part commission; mom does not have a personality conducive to holding down a job).

I am probably an asshole, but my parents are not nice people and I don't feel the least bit worried or sympathetic. I'm just sitting back and watching this train wreck happen. They think I'm broke so they won't ask me for money, I don't think. I hope not.

EDITED TO ADD: They live just outside of DC, and my mom insists on having a pretty big house (they have a 5br/2ba right now), soooo it's not like they'll be buying some cheap little thing.
« Last Edit: April 09, 2015, 11:50:25 PM by tofuchampion »
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handsnhearts

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #121 on: April 10, 2015, 02:41:59 AM »
I am NOT your retirement plan. Any money I might have used to assist in your old age was spent on more than a decade of therapy to un-screw my head from your abuse.

(I've said the first sentence. Sometimes I wish I'd had the cajones to say the second; but we don't talk much anymore, so I suppose it's OBE.)

THIS +1111111

I hear you loud and clear!

asauer

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #122 on: April 10, 2015, 01:57:34 PM »
I want to scream "More is NOT better!"  My mom buys clothes, food, housewares etc. with this attitude.  I constantly hear "It's cheap, buy three!"  First, I value quality over quantity- I don't want to buy a shitty thing for $10 but buy it 5 times.

MgoSam

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #123 on: April 11, 2015, 09:27:10 PM »
To sell their 6 bedroom house that they are the only ones that live in (except when my sister comes to visit once a year with her kids) and downgrade to a more modest place, or a townhouse/condo as neither like to maintain (they pay for lawn and snow maintenance).

Unique User

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #124 on: April 13, 2015, 10:28:30 AM »
Wow - for the longest time I thought mine was the biggest train wreck!

Parental Unit - I'm sorry you blew through $250k of an inheritance buying a loser business because your then drunk husband told you it was a good idea but it went bankrupt four years later.  Stealing $46k for said stupid business from 20 year old me because you had access to my accounts since you were worried I was "irresponsible", well, you should be glad I'm no longer bitter.  I'm sorry you work a part time job at 70 because you have credit card debt and can't stop buying shit.  Credit card debt at 70 when you have a house your mother bought for you is just ridiculous.  And yes, I will continue calling you by your first name because regardless of the amounts of therapy I have gone through and the fact that I have forgiven you for all the crap you and your then drunk husband pulled on me, it keeps me sane.  Thanks for giving birth to me, but no matter what you think, you did not raise me and you do not get to take credit for my accomplishments. 
« Last Edit: April 13, 2015, 12:24:47 PM by Unique User »

Kashmani

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #125 on: April 13, 2015, 11:23:45 AM »
Well, here I go. Dear Dad:

1. Convincing 20-year old me to invest almost $250,000 from an inheritance into your business was selfish. It has already cost me more than that in opportunity costs for missing out on the housing market in the 2000s as I had to keep renting.

2. Structuring it so that the money is invested in real estate that you use to finance your operations, without any return at all in 15 years for me, is doubly selfish.

3. Expecting me to work in said business for free at that same age was triply selfish.

4. Repeatedly calling me out for abandoning the family when I switched professions and moved 1,400 km away just to avoid issue (3) was not selfish, but uncalled for. I happen to be the only person in the family that is currently self-supporting.

5. Spending an obscene amount of money so your step-granddaughter can get a $70K/yr Ph.D. is silly. She has no work experience. She does not know what she wants to do. She is simply jumping through hoops other people are setting up. Incidentally, my own children received what? Exactly, $0.

6. After passing up a 20-year dream for an overseas job opportunity in Europe so I can care for your through terminal illness, a "thank you" would have been nice. Actually choosing to spend some time with your grandchildren rather than prioritizing work above everything would also be nice.

7. Thank you for passing on your INTJ personality to me. It allowed me to emotionally detach, rationally analyze the situation, and choose my own path in life that has actually worked out quite well. If I had been more emotionally involved, I would not have gotten through issues 1-6 relatively unscathed.

8. Nonetheless, I love you, and I think you are making a big mistake prioritizing work with limited time left. I hope you will not regret it.

grsing

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #126 on: April 13, 2015, 05:43:17 PM »
I'd love to be able to convince my dad that he doesn't actually have to keep working. I don't know details of their finances, but from what I can piece together, they're FI, probably several times over, but my dad has been so committed to work for his entire adult life, he doesn't get that there could be anything else. A quadruple bypass at least convinced him to take better care of himself, but he just doesn't have to put himself through the stress and overwork if he could just realize that he's got more than enough to live on very comfortably, and my sister and I have done quite well enough for ourselves that we certainly don't need any huge inheritances. I'd much rather he retire and enjoy himself than keep killing himself over extra money that nobody needs.

carolinap

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #127 on: December 27, 2016, 05:22:20 PM »
Dear mom (and stepfather),

If I talk out loud about "need" something, that doesn't mean you should go out and buy it for me.

First, because you don't have the money to (she is a public school teacher).
Second, because I probably won't like it (with most items, that are specifications of my preference that she doesn't know about and giving me the wrong one will result in me not using it at all).
Third, because I don't need you to "fix" my life!

That makes me sound like the biggest b**** of all times, but, it makes me sad. I talked about wanting a bike, and suddenly my step father bought me one. I got nervous, because he for sure would miss some specifications. I'm short, and don't feel comfortable riding bikes that are too tall. It wasn't an urgent purchase. I didn't want to disappoint them.

But it makes me angry too because they don't listen to me at all! I loud and clear have to affirm explicitly that they shouldn't buy me stuff (as I know better my needs), but parents have that common impulse to try to fix their kids' lives, and fix it THEIR WAY.
« Last Edit: December 27, 2016, 05:46:26 PM by carolinap »

KodeBlue

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #128 on: December 29, 2016, 06:46:25 AM »
Dear MIL:

Thank you for another box of useless crap. It's so fucking irritating to deal with. As I've mentioned in the past (like every Dec. for the last 20 yrs.) DH and I are in our 50's and way way past the age that we need enough gifts that we have one to open on each night of Hanukkah. That's 16 gifts!

Next year please take the money you would spend on stuff for us and buy a bunch of lottery tickets, since you and your late husband saved shit for your old age winning the lottery is your last hope. Because I don't intend to work one extra day to support you.

Love,
KodeBlue



onehair

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #129 on: December 29, 2016, 08:53:50 AM »
Mom: I didn't listen for the first 30 years and I suffered for it but I started listening now.  Please let me help you out! :-) If you need something I am happy to get it for you if I can I know you were somewhat Mustachian before I accepted you were right about saving money and you were there when I was at my absolute silliest! You do quite well with your pension and whatnot so no worries there Thank God.... So let me do for you sometimes really.  I know you're anxious about my living situation (You all know the story here already) but me and son are working on it don't worry.

Dad: You're one of a kind.  A miser and a hoarder.  The irony is he has money (and I only ever asked for a small amount once $56)and will only spend it if extremely pressed preferring to see if he can sponge off relatives first.  I know this is Unmustachian but in his case I recommend spending some of the money!!  He is that way because my grandfather was irresponsible with money go figure....And be nicer to your third wife though I do call her a doormat.  Unlike my mom and your second wife she seems to be extremely obedient to the point of alienating her children for you...

malacca

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #130 on: January 01, 2017, 10:22:51 AM »
My mom, sister and their offspring all have nothing but live like they are wealthy. Bar, cigarettes, pull tabs, gas station food / snacks and will pay 2X for something if it is slightly convenient. If anyone had any savings - 401K or what not - all has been drained.

Family with kids get together to watch a parade. It ends around 12:30. It is hot and no one has bothered to bring any water. We of course have our water bottles.

Then I hear the moans of everyone is hungry - very hungry. No one bothered with breakfast before leaving the house. Of course no one has a dime so they assume I will foot the bill for Chinese food. Sorry! We packed our own lunch!

Family get together ends as no one has any energy and no food. We eat our lunch at the park and go home.

Oh, but family gathered enough to get a few Mountain Dews at the gas station. Goes well with the candy from the parade (our kids don't eat candy so they had a lot to consume).

I support my mom - well because she is my mom. But the money just gets sucked up by everyone else as my mom is a sucker. Relatives make her drive them here and there - so her vehicles wear our quickly. So I have to buy a another one.

I am FIRE with good income but amazingly the family members that have nothing - one on disability, one on welfare, mom retired with just enough - spend like they have more than me.

Funny thing is that if they lived reasonably frugally I would give them more or help them more. But it is too hard to see my money pissed away!
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RetiredAt63

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #131 on: January 01, 2017, 05:46:59 PM »
My mom, sister and their offspring all have nothing but live like they are wealthy. Bar, cigarettes, pull tabs, gas station food / snacks and will pay 2X for something if it is slightly convenient. If anyone had any savings - 401K or what not - all has been drained.

Family with kids get together to watch a parade. It ends around 12:30. It is hot and no one has bothered to bring any water. We of course have our water bottles.

Then I hear the moans of everyone is hungry - very hungry. No one bothered with breakfast before leaving the house. Of course no one has a dime so they assume I will foot the bill for Chinese food. Sorry! We packed our own lunch!

Family get together ends as no one has any energy and no food. We eat our lunch at the park and go home.

Oh, but family gathered enough to get a few Mountain Dews at the gas station. Goes well with the candy from the parade (our kids don't eat candy so they had a lot to consume).

I support my mom - well because she is my mom. But the money just gets sucked up by everyone else as my mom is a sucker. Relatives make her drive them here and there - so her vehicles wear our quickly. So I have to buy a another one.

I am FIRE with good income but amazingly the family members that have nothing - one on disability, one on welfare, mom retired with just enough - spend like they have more than me.

Funny thing is that if they lived reasonably frugally I would give them more or help them more. But it is too hard to see my money pissed away!

Little picture - can you give everyone a heads-up that you are bringing water and a packed lunch for you, are the others going to do the same or what?  This gives notice that you are not buying everyone lunch.  Same for other joint activities.

Big picture - but why are you buying your mother another car when this one wears out?  Your mother can do this because you are helping her out, but in reality you are helping the others out via her.  Your mother isn't protecting her resources because she can always turn to you, so she has no incentive to not be a sucker.  This topic comes up again and again, we all want to help but it doesn't really help.
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TheGrimSqueaker

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #132 on: January 01, 2017, 10:31:25 PM »
My mom, sister and their offspring all have nothing but live like they are wealthy. Bar, cigarettes, pull tabs, gas station food / snacks and will pay 2X for something if it is slightly convenient. If anyone had any savings - 401K or what not - all has been drained.

Family with kids get together to watch a parade. It ends around 12:30. It is hot and no one has bothered to bring any water. We of course have our water bottles.

Then I hear the moans of everyone is hungry - very hungry. No one bothered with breakfast before leaving the house. Of course no one has a dime so they assume I will foot the bill for Chinese food.

I've met many people who spend double to triple the amount on an item due to simple lack of planning, and who therefore think nothing of dining out several times per week. They invariably have nothing to show for it and are furious when they can't gouge the money for necessities out of others.
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merula

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #133 on: January 02, 2017, 08:36:44 AM »
My mom, sister and their offspring all have nothing but live like they are wealthy. Bar, cigarettes, pull tabs, gas station food / snacks and will pay 2X for something if it is slightly convenient. If anyone had any savings - 401K or what not - all has been drained.

Maybe this is a strange perspective, but not a single thing you listed strikes me as particularly "wealthy". Like, the "wealthy" I know (thinking about a C-suite-earning relative and family) will pay 2x as much for stuff, but it's going to be (1) planned ahead and (2) worth the cost to them.

As an example, I can see your family grabbing a cab at the airport rather than waiting 10 minutes for an Uber that would cost half as much, since the cab is right there and you probably have to go hunting for the Uber. In contrast, my relative would have a towncar waiting for him, which on an hourly basis is ~1.5x what the cab costs, but is SPECIFICALLY for him, knows where he's going and how to get there, and has his Coke Zero waiting and chilled.

Exflyboy

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #134 on: January 02, 2017, 02:02:41 PM »
"I'm smarter than you about money, just because you raised me does not mean you're unable to take advice from your son."

This. This, a thousand times over. Mostly on behalf of my husband though - he's the "baby" of the family, and neither his parents nor his siblings will take him seriously even though we are the only ones in his family who have their shit together. I know it makes him anxious that someday they are all going to be coming to him for help, because they wouldn't accept any right now. :/

They probably don't ask for advice because they know they would not like it. I assume that is why no one in my family asks me for advice, even though I have a PhD in economics and have an obviously well-organized personal financial life.

^^^This a thousand times over. Sadly you are "the kid" and it doesn't matter how expert you are they will totally ignore you.. Always have ignored me.. Then told me how I am wrong on numerous occasions.

Yup, well I guess advanced engineering degrees and 30 years experience.. Yeah what could I possibly know considering neither of you finished high school?

ambimammular

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #135 on: January 02, 2017, 05:14:23 PM »
Dear Mom,
I don't want to inherit your Precious Moments figurines or antique cookie jars. My brothers don't either. I also don't want to deal with all of your garage sale finds someday when you're gone. Please stop buying stuff you don't need and host a garage sale of your own.

Kitsune

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #136 on: January 02, 2017, 07:14:47 PM »
"I'm smarter than you about money, just because you raised me does not mean you're unable to take advice from your son."

This. This, a thousand times over. Mostly on behalf of my husband though - he's the "baby" of the family, and neither his parents nor his siblings will take him seriously even though we are the only ones in his family who have their shit together. I know it makes him anxious that someday they are all going to be coming to him for help, because they wouldn't accept any right now. :/

They probably don't ask for advice because they know they would not like it. I assume that is why no one in my family asks me for advice, even though I have a PhD in economics and have an obviously well-organized personal financial life.

^^^This a thousand times over. Sadly you are "the kid" and it doesn't matter how expert you are they will totally ignore you.. Always have ignored me.. Then told me how I am wrong on numerous occasions.

Yup, well I guess advanced engineering degrees and 30 years experience.. Yeah what could I possibly know considering neither of you finished high school?

My mother recently asked me how one goes about setting a family budget.

On one hand, encouraging!

On the other hand, oh god you're 61 and have been with the same guy for 43 years I guess I know why you feel insecure about your retirement oh god oh god!

infogoon

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #137 on: January 03, 2017, 07:19:22 AM »
Dad, I don't want to inherit your fancy sports car. It's very nice, but I've got three kids and no garage. What the hell am I going to do with it? Sell the goddamned thing and take your wife on vacation.

HairyUpperLip

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #138 on: January 03, 2017, 09:01:48 AM »
Dad, I don't want to inherit your fancy sports car. It's very nice, but I've got three kids and no garage. What the hell am I going to do with it? Sell the goddamned thing and take your wife on vacation.

What kind of car?

MgoSam

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #139 on: January 03, 2017, 09:57:08 AM »
"I'm smarter than you about money, just because you raised me does not mean you're unable to take advice from your son."

This. This, a thousand times over. Mostly on behalf of my husband though - he's the "baby" of the family, and neither his parents nor his siblings will take him seriously even though we are the only ones in his family who have their shit together. I know it makes him anxious that someday they are all going to be coming to him for help, because they wouldn't accept any right now. :/

They probably don't ask for advice because they know they would not like it. I assume that is why no one in my family asks me for advice, even though I have a PhD in economics and have an obviously well-organized personal financial life.

^^^This a thousand times over. Sadly you are "the kid" and it doesn't matter how expert you are they will totally ignore you.. Always have ignored me.. Then told me how I am wrong on numerous occasions.

Yup, well I guess advanced engineering degrees and 30 years experience.. Yeah what could I possibly know considering neither of you finished high school?

My mother recently asked me how one goes about setting a family budget.

On one hand, encouraging!

On the other hand, oh god you're 61 and have been with the same guy for 43 years I guess I know why you feel insecure about your retirement oh god oh god!

My brother and his wife (both MBAs) a few years ago were asking my dad about how long-term investments are taxed and how long long-term is. These are both things they should know and my dad was stumbling to give the correct answer so I blurted out  "Over one year" and "15%," and my brother looked at me as if wondering, 'how the heck could he possibly know anything,' and ignored me.

Yeah it sucks to be the "baby" in the family that no one thinks is capable of anything.

Stachey

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #140 on: January 03, 2017, 11:22:02 AM »
Stop buying expensive real estate!  They haven't made money on a house yet. 
They keep "upgrading" which means larger and larger and larger.
Then they complain about all the upkeep and the cleaning of it and the lawnwork and higher taxes and on and on and on.
What they need is a small condo somewhere but that will NEVER happen.
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RetiredAt63

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #141 on: January 05, 2017, 11:34:37 AM »

Yup, well I guess advanced engineering degrees and 30 years experience.. Yeah what could I possibly know considering neither of you finished high school?

Yeah but look what they survived (I'm guessing depression/WW2)- how many people of their age and circumstances finished HS?  I have a good, very bright friend who, due to family circumstances, had to leave school at 16 and never finished HS either.

Of course they were stupid enough to give birth to a know-it-all engineer.  ;-)  Gotta stand up for the parents here.
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Sibley

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #142 on: January 05, 2017, 11:59:40 AM »
Dear Mom,
I don't want to inherit your Precious Moments figurines or antique cookie jars. My brothers don't either. I also don't want to deal with all of your garage sale finds someday when you're gone. Please stop buying stuff you don't need and host a garage sale of your own.

Mine is,

Dear Mom, I don't want all the furniture and random stuff from long dead relatives that I never knew, or if I did know, didn't care for. There is a VERY short list of what I want from your house, and almost none of it is stuff you care so much about.

P.S. Sister feels the same way. Luckily, what we want doesn't seem to overlap. But a lot of stuff will be sold, donated, or given away.


Shinplaster

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #143 on: January 05, 2017, 02:16:30 PM »
Dear Mom,
I don't want to inherit your Precious Moments figurines or antique cookie jars. My brothers don't either. I also don't want to deal with all of your garage sale finds someday when you're gone. Please stop buying stuff you don't need and host a garage sale of your own.

Mine is,

Dear Mom, I don't want all the furniture and random stuff from long dead relatives that I never knew, or if I did know, didn't care for. There is a VERY short list of what I want from your house, and almost none of it is stuff you care so much about.

P.S. Sister feels the same way. Luckily, what we want doesn't seem to overlap. But a lot of stuff will be sold, donated, or given away.

+1.   I don't want your doll collection, the glass ornaments or the hideous bedroom set.  But I try to remember that as R@63 posted above, my Mom was a child of the depression.  She also had to drop out of high school in grade 10, because her Mom was ill, and there was no provincial health care then.  She was needed to work and help support the family, and never did finish high school, despite being very bright.  Her few frivolous things are a way of affirming that she has come a long way from those days, and give her joy and satisfaction.  For so many years she and my Dad could barely afford the bare necessities, and she is still pretty mustachian, although she doesn't need to be.  When she reminds my sister or I about taking her prize possessions, we just nod, and agree.  She's earned our love and respect, and I won't hurt her feelings by telling her these things have no value to us.

RetiredAt63

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #144 on: January 05, 2017, 02:31:45 PM »
Dear Mom,
I don't want to inherit your Precious Moments figurines or antique cookie jars. My brothers don't either. I also don't want to deal with all of your garage sale finds someday when you're gone. Please stop buying stuff you don't need and host a garage sale of your own.

Mine is,

Dear Mom, I don't want all the furniture and random stuff from long dead relatives that I never knew, or if I did know, didn't care for. There is a VERY short list of what I want from your house, and almost none of it is stuff you care so much about.

P.S. Sister feels the same way. Luckily, what we want doesn't seem to overlap. But a lot of stuff will be sold, donated, or given away.

+1.   I don't want your doll collection, the glass ornaments or the hideous bedroom set.  But I try to remember that as R@63 posted above, my Mom was a child of the depression.  She also had to drop out of high school in grade 10, because her Mom was ill, and there was no provincial health care then.  She was needed to work and help support the family, and never did finish high school, despite being very bright.  Her few frivolous things are a way of affirming that she has come a long way from those days, and give her joy and satisfaction.  For so many years she and my Dad could barely afford the bare necessities, and she is still pretty mustachian, although she doesn't need to be.  When she reminds my sister or I about taking her prize possessions, we just nod, and agree.  She's earned our love and respect, and I won't hurt her feelings by telling her these things have no value to us.

And you never know - attachment to things often skips a generation or 2 - I love furniture from my grandparents that no-one else liked, and my DD loves figurines (I have zero interest) and hopes that eventually she will get some of her grandmother's figurines.  She was supposed to get a few of them when her grandmother died, but never did.  Not sure where they went, it wasn't in the will.
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Shinplaster

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #145 on: January 05, 2017, 02:45:12 PM »
Dear Mom,
I don't want to inherit your Precious Moments figurines or antique cookie jars. My brothers don't either. I also don't want to deal with all of your garage sale finds someday when you're gone. Please stop buying stuff you don't need and host a garage sale of your own.

Mine is,

Dear Mom, I don't want all the furniture and random stuff from long dead relatives that I never knew, or if I did know, didn't care for. There is a VERY short list of what I want from your house, and almost none of it is stuff you care so much about.

P.S. Sister feels the same way. Luckily, what we want doesn't seem to overlap. But a lot of stuff will be sold, donated, or given away.

+1.   I don't want your doll collection, the glass ornaments or the hideous bedroom set.  But I try to remember that as R@63 posted above, my Mom was a child of the depression.  She also had to drop out of high school in grade 10, because her Mom was ill, and there was no provincial health care then.  She was needed to work and help support the family, and never did finish high school, despite being very bright.  Her few frivolous things are a way of affirming that she has come a long way from those days, and give her joy and satisfaction.  For so many years she and my Dad could barely afford the bare necessities, and she is still pretty mustachian, although she doesn't need to be.  When she reminds my sister or I about taking her prize possessions, we just nod, and agree.  She's earned our love and respect, and I won't hurt her feelings by telling her these things have no value to us.

And you never know - attachment to things often skips a generation or 2 - I love furniture from my grandparents that no-one else liked, and my DD loves figurines (I have zero interest) and hopes that eventually she will get some of her grandmother's figurines.  She was supposed to get a few of them when her grandmother died, but never did.  Not sure where they went, it wasn't in the will.

True.  My Grandma had beautiful quartersawn oak and tiger eye maple furniture I would have taken in a heartbeat, and I believe it was pretty much given away when she died.   Broke my heart the cousins didn't understand what they had, and didn't offer it to any of us 'easterners'  before they disposed of it.   But my Mom's bedroom set - yeah, that's just hideous. (Pseudo Spanish monstrosity my Dad picked out).

onlykelsey

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #146 on: January 05, 2017, 04:05:31 PM »
To my Aunt-in-law: Stop talking shit about the women who use the food pantry in your neighborhood. You're a high school graduate (barely) who was lucky enough to be born during an era when that could get you a job with a pension and gold-plated health care for the rest of your life. If you'd been born thirty years later, you'd be working at Walmart and standing in that same line.

Oof.  That is really a good way to summarize my issue with a lot of family members/acquaintances.

Exflyboy

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #147 on: January 06, 2017, 11:59:26 PM »

Yup, well I guess advanced engineering degrees and 30 years experience.. Yeah what could I possibly know considering neither of you finished high school?

Yeah but look what they survived (I'm guessing depression/WW2)- how many people of their age and circumstances finished HS?  I have a good, very bright friend who, due to family circumstances, had to leave school at 16 and never finished HS either.

Of course they were stupid enough to give birth to a know-it-all engineer.  ;-)  Gotta stand up for the parents here.

Yes but you miss my point I think. I don't blame them one bit for not finishing high school.. This was the East End of London where the Blitz started after all!

My point is, they assume I'm a dumbass and can't possibly know anything and even when they do ask my opinion in areas where I AM and expert actually (not boasting, thats just fact!).. They usually do the exact opposite.

I don't know about you but when I give somebody consultancy for free usually that person usually takes the advice. But not my folks, they will ignore me because clearly I know nothing.

That doesn't sound very smart to me..

C-note

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #148 on: January 07, 2017, 07:07:23 AM »
Not unmustachian - bloomed around mid-life - but we are parents and these letters are great!  We've been working our way through cabinets, drawers, closets, etc. and wondering what to do with some of the "treasures" we've kept.

Now - how to tell OUR parents . . . . . . .   

RetiredAt63

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Re: What you wish you could tell your very unmustachian parents
« Reply #149 on: January 07, 2017, 07:18:50 AM »

Yup, well I guess advanced engineering degrees and 30 years experience.. Yeah what could I possibly know considering neither of you finished high school?

Yeah but look what they survived (I'm guessing depression/WW2)- how many people of their age and circumstances finished HS?  I have a good, very bright friend who, due to family circumstances, had to leave school at 16 and never finished HS either.

Of course they were stupid enough to give birth to a know-it-all engineer.  ;-)  Gotta stand up for the parents here.

Yes but you miss my point I think. I don't blame them one bit for not finishing high school.. This was the East End of London where the Blitz started after all!

My point is, they assume I'm a dumbass and can't possibly know anything and even when they do ask my opinion in areas where I AM and expert actually (not boasting, thats just fact!).. They usually do the exact opposite.

I don't know about you but when I give somebody consultancy for free usually that person usually takes the advice. But not my folks, they will ignore me because clearly I know nothing.

That doesn't sound very smart to me..

Ah, your explanation changes the emphasis.  Not their education level, but their mistrust of yours.  One thing I find living in a rural farming area is that people are super surprised when I say something practical (especially around things like gardening), because they expect me to be an ivory tower academic.  Maybe your parents think it is all "book-learning" and not "real life practical"?  Not that it improves the situation, but it does make it more bearable psychologically.
The measure of civilization is how people treat one another.

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