Author Topic: Wedding Registry  (Read 2690 times)

DCteach

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Wedding Registry
« on: May 16, 2019, 09:58:19 AM »
DW's sister is getting married soon. Took a look at the registry during some down time at work today, and my eyes just about popped out of my head. Had to share...

Some highlights:

-6 tablecloths ($600)
-knife set ($1000)
-second knife set ($400)
-third knife set ($190)
-Roomba ($700)
-Dyson animal vacuum ($600)
-Salt and pepper shaker ($60)
-Dutch oven ($400)
-Two cookware sets ($700)
-Food vacuum sealer ($370)
-Rice cooker ($130)
-Food processor AND Ninja blender ($310 total)
-KitchenAid Mixer ($380)

-over 150 individual cups/mugs of various styles, materials and occasions
-over 225 plates/bowls/platters of different styles, material, and occasions

Total cost of stuff: ~ $15,000

Couldn't even imagine owning all that stuff!

SwordGuy

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2019, 10:10:41 AM »
I think a wedding registry where guests can share what they are gifting with other guests is a useful custom.  It helps prevent getting 6 microwaves instead of 6 different gifts.  I can see the use in that.

I think a wedding registry where the couple tells people what they want is disgusting.  I would be embarrassed beyond belief if my fiancé were to do something like that.  If they had such a sense of entitlement to other people's money that they put forward that list for others to see, I think I call off the wedding.   That's how much it disgusts me. 

Tass

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2019, 10:21:27 AM »
I think a wedding registry where guests can share what they are gifting with other guests is a useful custom.  It helps prevent getting 6 microwaves instead of 6 different gifts.  I can see the use in that.

I think a wedding registry where the couple tells people what they want is disgusting.  I would be embarrassed beyond belief if my fiancé were to do something like that.  If they had such a sense of entitlement to other people's money that they put forward that list for others to see, I think I call off the wedding.   That's how much it disgusts me.

It seems like our cultural and commercial systems are set up for the latter, even if your intention is to provide your guests with the former. Is that not the case? How are you handling this question?

(As for the OP... perhaps she felt obligated to provide her guests with many options? Surely she does not actually expect or want three different knife sets? Surely???)

SwordGuy

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2019, 10:30:39 AM »
I think a wedding registry where guests can share what they are gifting with other guests is a useful custom.  It helps prevent getting 6 microwaves instead of 6 different gifts.  I can see the use in that.

I think a wedding registry where the couple tells people what they want is disgusting.  I would be embarrassed beyond belief if my fiancé were to do something like that.  If they had such a sense of entitlement to other people's money that they put forward that list for others to see, I think I call off the wedding.   That's how much it disgusts me.

It seems like our cultural and commercial systems are set up for the latter, even if your intention is to provide your guests with the former. Is that not the case? How are you handling this question?

(As for the OP... perhaps she felt obligated to provide her guests with many options? Surely she does not actually expect or want three different knife sets? Surely???)

How did we handle it?   We invited people to our wedding without any expectation of gifts from anyone.    And we said thank you for everything we received.   That's the sum total of what we did to handle it.


Tass

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2019, 10:34:28 AM »
Just asking since you said you thought the registry could be a useful custom. Not useful enough for you to worry about it, apparently.

Enigma

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2019, 10:36:27 AM »
I am hoping that you just listed the worst offenders instead of the most expensive.  I think registries are good for Walmart/Target/Amazon/etc where the regular gifts would be anywhere from $5-100 and most gifts around the $25 range.  They are not being good stewards of other people's money.

SwordGuy

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2019, 10:39:28 AM »
We were so poor when we got married that our budget for the wedding was $50.   For everything. 

It was a big amount of money to us.  We weren't being frugal or cheap, we were being extravagant.

We told people if they wanted something to eat or drink at the reception it would be wise to bring it.   We held the wedding in our apartment because that was a space we had already rented, the idea of renting another space was totally not feasible.

And people had such a good time some of them stayed for three days.   It's not about the money or the gifts or the lavish place settings.  It's about the love and the friendship.   

I wouldn't marry anyone who didn't understand that.   And telling someone what expensive gifts you expect them to give you is a damn good clue love and friendship aren't the priority.

SheWhoWalksAtLunch

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2019, 11:14:12 AM »
Talking about outrageous wedding registries, I received an electronic wedding invitation last year:

1) I didn't know the couple and had to ask around town to find out who the bride and groom were.
2) The bride had invited everyone in a several local organizations regardless of how well she knew them (as in took the online mailing lists and spammed everyone, everywhere, repeatedly.)
3) Every communication linked to an online wedding registry site that in addition to traditional items like towels, crockery, furniture & sporting equipment, included; donate $ for the bride's dress, donate $ for the bride's hair, donate for the flowers, on down the list including the photographer, dance lessons, hall rental, honeymoon and home improvements (new windows & a fridge).  I added it all up and the wish list came to over $75,000.

I rounded up some easily entertained friends who had also received invitations and we decided to attend in a gaggle just to see what would happen.  The response to my RSVP was an email asking guests to BYO food & beverages.  As the date got closer, another email arrived asking everyone to BYO a chair.  I considered that plus a modest gift off the registry well worth the price of admission to see a bunch of well dressed total strangers mill about awkwardly carrying chairs and covered dishes waiting to be herded into a group photo.  The Bride and Groom didn't bother to greet any of us during the reception and were heard to complain that the guests had started eating the food before they had a chance to get first pick. 

I'm a huge fan of only having the size wedding you can afford, so I have no issue with the BYO food, beverages & seating arrangements. I happily brought all three.  I can even see the logic behind asking for cash donations for the flower girl's dresses and the gifts for the best men.  My complaint?  The bride recently started posting items for sale on a local buy/sell website (that many of us also belong to).  You get one guess as to what she's selling off....

zhelud

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2019, 01:02:21 PM »
Long ago when I got married, we too thought "all we want is our guests' presence!" and didn't have a wedding gift registry. What ended up happening was that everybody we invited wanted to bring a gift anyway (we were just starting out, so we had zero stuff) and so we had 50 people calling my mom to find out what we needed. She did a good job keeping track of what she suggested our friends and family get for us, but if I were to do it again I'd just set up a registry and make it easy for people.

mm1970

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2019, 02:07:42 PM »
Talking about outrageous wedding registries, I received an electronic wedding invitation last year:

1) I didn't know the couple and had to ask around town to find out who the bride and groom were.
2) The bride had invited everyone in a several local organizations regardless of how well she knew them (as in took the online mailing lists and spammed everyone, everywhere, repeatedly.)
3) Every communication linked to an online wedding registry site that in addition to traditional items like towels, crockery, furniture & sporting equipment, included; donate $ for the bride's dress, donate $ for the bride's hair, donate for the flowers, on down the list including the photographer, dance lessons, hall rental, honeymoon and home improvements (new windows & a fridge).  I added it all up and the wish list came to over $75,000.

I rounded up some easily entertained friends who had also received invitations and we decided to attend in a gaggle just to see what would happen.  The response to my RSVP was an email asking guests to BYO food & beverages.  As the date got closer, another email arrived asking everyone to BYO a chair.  I considered that plus a modest gift off the registry well worth the price of admission to see a bunch of well dressed total strangers mill about awkwardly carrying chairs and covered dishes waiting to be herded into a group photo.  The Bride and Groom didn't bother to greet any of us during the reception and were heard to complain that the guests had started eating the food before they had a chance to get first pick. 

I'm a huge fan of only having the size wedding you can afford, so I have no issue with the BYO food, beverages & seating arrangements. I happily brought all three.  I can even see the logic behind asking for cash donations for the flower girl's dresses and the gifts for the best men.  My complaint?  The bride recently started posting items for sale on a local buy/sell website (that many of us also belong to).  You get one guess as to what she's selling off....
This is just...wow

Warlord1986

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2019, 08:41:27 PM »
Talking about outrageous wedding registries, I received an electronic wedding invitation last year:

1) I didn't know the couple and had to ask around town to find out who the bride and groom were.
2) The bride had invited everyone in a several local organizations regardless of how well she knew them (as in took the online mailing lists and spammed everyone, everywhere, repeatedly.)
3) Every communication linked to an online wedding registry site that in addition to traditional items like towels, crockery, furniture & sporting equipment, included; donate $ for the bride's dress, donate $ for the bride's hair, donate for the flowers, on down the list including the photographer, dance lessons, hall rental, honeymoon and home improvements (new windows & a fridge).  I added it all up and the wish list came to over $75,000.

I rounded up some easily entertained friends who had also received invitations and we decided to attend in a gaggle just to see what would happen.  The response to my RSVP was an email asking guests to BYO food & beverages.  As the date got closer, another email arrived asking everyone to BYO a chair.  I considered that plus a modest gift off the registry well worth the price of admission to see a bunch of well dressed total strangers mill about awkwardly carrying chairs and covered dishes waiting to be herded into a group photo.  The Bride and Groom didn't bother to greet any of us during the reception and were heard to complain that the guests had started eating the food before they had a chance to get first pick. 

I'm a huge fan of only having the size wedding you can afford, so I have no issue with the BYO food, beverages & seating arrangements. I happily brought all three.  I can even see the logic behind asking for cash donations for the flower girl's dresses and the gifts for the best men.  My complaint?  The bride recently started posting items for sale on a local buy/sell website (that many of us also belong to).  You get one guess as to what she's selling off....
This is just...wow

I second that wow. There are no other words. Some people weren’t raised right and it shows.

marble_faun

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2019, 10:04:05 PM »
I like it when the bride & groom set up a registry.  It makes it easy to supply a gift without having to wonder if they will like it or not. The registry is not at all selfish or in bad taste -- it's helpful to guests who want to give something good. 

But the couple should definitely have items at a range of price points and avoid giving the sense that they just want to milk their guests.

Sugaree

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #12 on: May 17, 2019, 06:01:21 AM »
I like it when the bride & groom set up a registry.  It makes it easy to supply a gift without having to wonder if they will like it or not. The registry is not at all selfish or in bad taste -- it's helpful to guests who want to give something good. 

But the couple should definitely have items at a range of price points and avoid giving the sense that they just want to milk their guests.

^^^This.  I love it when people have a good registry with a wide variety of prices.  I also keep in mind that a lot of stores offer a discount on registry items that didn't get bought.  Like, I put a crib on my baby registry at Target not because I expected someone else to buy it, but because I got 10 or 15% off of it when I went back and bought it for myself. 

Speaking of baby registries.  When we had DS, we set up two registries for the discounts, but if anyone asked my mom or MIL could point them in that direction (I do think that the fact we had a ton of cloth diapering stuff on the lists discouraged people from buying disposables, which was kind of cool).  We ended up going to Buy Buy Baby (what a horrid name, BTW).  When you do a registry with them, and I assume that Bed, Bath, and Beyond is the same way, the registry department gives you a scanning gun and a "helpful" list of everything you might need.  Most of the list is bullshit, of course, but playing with the scanning gun is kind of fun, and does encourage one to go a little crazy.  In our case, we went back over the list a few days later and culled a lot of stuff that had caught our attention in the store, but later on we looked at each other like "what were we thinking?"

Maenad

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #13 on: May 17, 2019, 09:07:53 AM »
I like it when the bride & groom set up a registry.  It makes it easy to supply a gift without having to wonder if they will like it or not. The registry is not at all selfish or in bad taste -- it's helpful to guests who want to give something good. 

But the couple should definitely have items at a range of price points and avoid giving the sense that they just want to milk their guests.

Exactly. In the example quoted I noticed knife sets at 3 different price points - it's not that they want 3 sets, but they want the options for people of various means. (That being said, even the lowest-priced is something I'd be splitting with others.) And sometimes people go a little crazy and ask for "dream items", like a fancy KitchenAid mixer, just in case a friend or family member is feeling particularly lavish. I don't know anyone who wanted everything on their registry, or if they did, it was kind of a long-term shopping list that they completed over the years after getting married.

DH and I did the "your presence is presents enough" thing, and a number of people still brought gifts, for which we were properly thankful. I think a lot of people had trouble understanding how a couple of 22-year-olds didn't want stuff, but we had second-hand items from our parents, and we didn't know what pattern of plates we wanted or anything, so why ask people to spend money on stuff we may not have even liked 5 years down the line?

marcela

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #14 on: May 17, 2019, 09:32:54 AM »
I like it when the bride & groom set up a registry.  It makes it easy to supply a gift without having to wonder if they will like it or not. The registry is not at all selfish or in bad taste -- it's helpful to guests who want to give something good. 

But the couple should definitely have items at a range of price points and avoid giving the sense that they just want to milk their guests.

^^^This.  I love it when people have a good registry with a wide variety of prices.  I also keep in mind that a lot of stores offer a discount on registry items that didn't get bought.  Like, I put a crib on my baby registry at Target not because I expected someone else to buy it, but because I got 10 or 15% off of it when I went back and bought it for myself. 

Speaking of baby registries.  When we had DS, we set up two registries for the discounts, but if anyone asked my mom or MIL could point them in that direction (I do think that the fact we had a ton of cloth diapering stuff on the lists discouraged people from buying disposables, which was kind of cool).  We ended up going to Buy Buy Baby (what a horrid name, BTW).  When you do a registry with them, and I assume that Bed, Bath, and Beyond is the same way, the registry department gives you a scanning gun and a "helpful" list of everything you might need.  Most of the list is bullshit, of course, but playing with the scanning gun is kind of fun, and does encourage one to go a little crazy.  In our case, we went back over the list a few days later and culled a lot of stuff that had caught our attention in the store, but later on we looked at each other like "what were we thinking?"

Scanning gun induced crazy is a thing. We had a similar experience where we sat down a week post registering and knocked out half the stuff we had put on there.
Got lots of complaints from older family members that we didn't have enough pricey stuff. I also got ticked off at one of my ILs who bought up $100 of serving utensils that we had put on there as good options for our super broke friends. And I wish we had registered for 12 place settings instead of 8 since our china got discontinued. 12 felt greedy when we were registering.

Sugaree

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #15 on: May 17, 2019, 10:21:46 AM »
I like it when the bride & groom set up a registry.  It makes it easy to supply a gift without having to wonder if they will like it or not. The registry is not at all selfish or in bad taste -- it's helpful to guests who want to give something good. 

But the couple should definitely have items at a range of price points and avoid giving the sense that they just want to milk their guests.

^^^This.  I love it when people have a good registry with a wide variety of prices.  I also keep in mind that a lot of stores offer a discount on registry items that didn't get bought.  Like, I put a crib on my baby registry at Target not because I expected someone else to buy it, but because I got 10 or 15% off of it when I went back and bought it for myself. 

Speaking of baby registries.  When we had DS, we set up two registries for the discounts, but if anyone asked my mom or MIL could point them in that direction (I do think that the fact we had a ton of cloth diapering stuff on the lists discouraged people from buying disposables, which was kind of cool).  We ended up going to Buy Buy Baby (what a horrid name, BTW).  When you do a registry with them, and I assume that Bed, Bath, and Beyond is the same way, the registry department gives you a scanning gun and a "helpful" list of everything you might need.  Most of the list is bullshit, of course, but playing with the scanning gun is kind of fun, and does encourage one to go a little crazy.  In our case, we went back over the list a few days later and culled a lot of stuff that had caught our attention in the store, but later on we looked at each other like "what were we thinking?"

Scanning gun induced crazy is a thing. We had a similar experience where we sat down a week post registering and knocked out half the stuff we had put on there.
Got lots of complaints from older family members that we didn't have enough pricey stuff. I also got ticked off at one of my ILs who bought up $100 of serving utensils that we had put on there as good options for our super broke friends. And I wish we had registered for 12 place settings instead of 8 since our china got discontinued. 12 felt greedy when we were registering.

If you are particularly inclined to complete your set, try the shopgoodwill website. 

Pigeon

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #16 on: May 17, 2019, 11:35:57 AM »
I like it when the bride & groom set up a registry.  It makes it easy to supply a gift without having to wonder if they will like it or not. The registry is not at all selfish or in bad taste -- it's helpful to guests who want to give something good. 

But the couple should definitely have items at a range of price points and avoid giving the sense that they just want to milk their guests.

I don't mind them either.  There's no law that you have to get anything off of them.  Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.  I also don't mind seeing things like the KitchenAid mixer.  It's a high quality kitchen staple that should last decades, making it mustachian in my book.  If it was for a relative, I'd probably ask one of my siblings if they wanted to go in on it.

What I do find stupid are registries full of toys or wheedling for somebody to fund a honeymoon.  I often just write a check and that money could be used for anything, but to me there's something crass about asking guests to fund a honeymoon.

FireHiker

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #17 on: May 17, 2019, 12:22:20 PM »
I don't mind them either.  There's no law that you have to get anything off of them.  Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.  I also don't mind seeing things like the KitchenAid mixer.  It's a high quality kitchen staple that should last decades, making it mustachian in my book.  If it was for a relative, I'd probably ask one of my siblings if they wanted to go in on it.

What I do find stupid are registries full of toys or wheedling for somebody to fund a honeymoon.  I often just write a check and that money could be used for anything, but to me there's something crass about asking guests to fund a honeymoon.

My niece and her fiancee did the honeymoon thing, but I didn't think it was crass at all. They'd been living together for 4 years and really didn't need anything. They had a website for it, and it was very much a "we don't need gifts but if you really feel inclined" and then they had cute options for different dollar amounts = different aspects of their honeymoon (which will be sometime in the next year when I help them plan it). Her mom is a huge keeper/collector of things, just like my mom, so I get my niece's need to be more minimalist in contrast. They also had a very nice but well within their means wedding, at a beautiful venue for half the price on a Monday. This is the same niece who talks to us for financial advise/retirement planning already, so I have high hopes for her!

As for my KitchenAid stand mixer, I received it as a Christmas gift from my now-husband over 11 years ago, right before we got engaged. We try to cook a LOT from scratch and it is the best thing ever. 11+ years and it's still going strong. I love that thing. When we got married we did a registry but we had a wide range of things on it with multiple price points. We still use most of the things from our wedding gifts actually! No $600 for tablecloths (or any tablecloths...) though, dang.

partgypsy

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #18 on: May 17, 2019, 02:31:26 PM »
DW's sister is getting married soon. Took a look at the registry during some down time at work today, and my eyes just about popped out of my head. Had to share...

Some highlights:

-6 tablecloths ($600)
-knife set ($1000)
-second knife set ($400)
-third knife set ($190)
-Roomba ($700)
-Dyson animal vacuum ($600)
-Salt and pepper shaker ($60)
-Dutch oven ($400)
-Two cookware sets ($700)
-Food vacuum sealer ($370)
-Rice cooker ($130)
-Food processor AND Ninja blender ($310 total)
-KitchenAid Mixer ($380)

-over 150 individual cups/mugs of various styles, materials and occasions
-over 225 plates/bowls/platters of different styles, material, and occasions

Total cost of stuff: ~ $15,000

Couldn't even imagine owning all that stuff!

Yeah, that list doesn't even make sense. Why have multiple knife sets? Why have two different cookware sets? It almost seems like they are setting up having to return items for $$, but I could be wrong.

Cassie

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #19 on: May 17, 2019, 04:37:52 PM »
I either buy from the registry or give a check. Most couples have a wide range of price points for people.   Also sometimes people go in together for bigger gifts.  If I couldn’t afford to feed people at my wedding I would go to the courthouse and get married.   Food can be homemade but to expect gifts and not have food is tacky.  I have seen when the couple is young that their friends bring food to help with a potluck to go along with what the couple provides.

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #20 on: May 17, 2019, 04:58:24 PM »
My cousin's daughter is getting married this fall. My cousin is a single mom who works crazy hours to pay the bills. Daughter is having the wedding in a mountain town 4 hours away from home so everyone has to pay for accommodations. We all got a link to her registry - it's at William Sonoma and the cheapest thing on the list is $250! I think that's just so people give her cash.

Bloop Bloop

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #21 on: May 17, 2019, 05:23:45 PM »
I think the whole thing with registries is slightly vulgar. The whole concept of planning a wedding budget around part of that being recouped seems to me to be slightly vulgar.

It's sad that weddings are now something to 'show off'. They really should be intimate affairs.

Just Joe

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #22 on: May 17, 2019, 09:13:54 PM »
We got complaints from the "appearances" relatives that our registry wasn't fancy enough. Two decades later we STILL have a few things we have never even opened. Crystal and such that we just don't have a purpose for. We need to sell it on honestly.

If that bride had requested BYO chairs I would have shown up with one of our ratty camp chairs!

partgypsy

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #23 on: May 18, 2019, 07:09:02 AM »
To tell the truth I think the idea of byow (bring your own wedding) depending on your friends, could be fun and hilarious. You ask your friends to bring chair, food, bev. The wedding couple supplies a band. BUT- in that case they should not also ask for wedding gifts or create a registry, as the wedding itself is the gift

Just Joe

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #24 on: May 18, 2019, 08:06:05 AM »
A friendly gathering sounds like alot of fun. Much more than the "appearances" version where some list of mysterious formalities must be satisfied. ;)

We had the formal wedding b/c of certain elders had more opinions and influence over us than they should have (looking back at it a couple decades later).

I think DW and I would have been just as happy to have had some sort of hippie wedding. I attended one of those (literally) and it was fun.

exterous

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #25 on: May 18, 2019, 06:55:41 PM »
I think the whole thing with registries is slightly vulgar. The whole concept of planning a wedding budget around part of that being recouped seems to me to be slightly vulgar.

It's sad that weddings are now something to 'show off'. They really should be intimate affairs.

I think registries can be useful. I'd much rather get something someone wants than have to guess what they want, especially when it comes to knowing what style plates or glasses and what kitchen gadget they already have. Some of that might come from getting married when we were quite young and poor. It let us decide what we wanted over other things we were willing to continue dealing with. It was nice to get non-plastic cups that actually matched. We're still using the utensils, plates and cups we got 15 years ago from our wedding (although we have lost a few due to drops)

We've also been fortunate to not have been invited to show off weddings

Indexer

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #26 on: May 19, 2019, 09:08:22 AM »
Having went to friends' weddings around the country I've noticed a trend in traditions.


In the North, PA being the example I saw, the 'gift table' was mostly envelopes with cards in them. Some of those cards included checks. There were very few physical gifts, the couple didn't have a wedding registry, and they thought it would be tacky to request gifts.

In the South, many examples, the opposite happens. People are going to bring physical gifts, whether you want them or not, so unless you want a bunch of random stuff and 6 microwaves, you better have a wedding registry. Given that, registries are pretty common.

Buffalo Chip

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #27 on: May 19, 2019, 12:13:08 PM »
Easy way to get around this silliness: skip town and elope.  Total cost for the wedding itself was less than $100, including the parking ticket.

Id rather be outside

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #28 on: May 19, 2019, 08:23:40 PM »
People are going to bring physical gifts, whether you want them or not, so unless you want a bunch of random stuff and 6 microwaves, you better have a wedding registry. Given that, registries are pretty common.


YES ^^^  After seeing a friend get three toaster ovens and my brother & sister-in-law get a bunch of fancy things they did not need at all - the husband and I made a registry.  We had one more traditional at Target with the few kitchen and house things we didn't already have.  The second was at REI since we really didn't need all that much of the kitchen and house stuff.  People really liked getting things from the REI list and it gets used all the time.

AD700

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #29 on: May 20, 2019, 12:15:58 AM »
When I get married I am having a 'no gifts allowed' policy.

Enigma

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #30 on: May 20, 2019, 05:39:05 AM »
My ex-wife and I were completing college and moving from one state to another.  We had a wedding registry and very little to our name.  But it was a simple one for starting our new lives together.  Towels, sheets, blankets, toaster, cookware, silverware, etc.  We were thankful to our friends and relatives.

hops

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #31 on: May 20, 2019, 09:27:03 AM »
When I get married I am having a 'no gifts allowed' policy.

We tried that and our request was almost completely ignored (only two couples respected it!). We didn't want a wedding shower, either, and my wife's colleagues threw one anyway.

marble_faun

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #32 on: May 20, 2019, 09:35:51 AM »
When I get married I am having a 'no gifts allowed' policy.

We tried that and our request was almost completely ignored (only two couples respected it!). We didn't want a wedding shower, either, and my wife's colleagues threw one anyway.

Yep.  You can say "no gifts," but people aren't going to break the usual etiquette of gift-giving at weddings. Best to channel them into purchases that will actually be useful so you don't end up with four different cut-glass bowls.  Or at least direct them make gifts to your favorite charities instead.

partgypsy

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #33 on: May 20, 2019, 10:42:36 AM »
Having went to friends' weddings around the country I've noticed a trend in traditions.


In the North, PA being the example I saw, the 'gift table' was mostly envelopes with cards in them. Some of those cards included checks. There were very few physical gifts, the couple didn't have a wedding registry, and they thought it would be tacky to request gifts.

In the South, many examples, the opposite happens. People are going to bring physical gifts, whether you want them or not, so unless you want a bunch of random stuff and 6 microwaves, you better have a wedding registry. Given that, registries are pretty common.
yes. I was raised Greek American. The most appropriate gift for a wedding is considered cash or equivalent (check). It's only relatively recently that registries are commonly used, but the older generation will still ignore the registry and gift cash.
It was a culture clash where my  MIL was horrified that I would often give cash or equivalent (giftcards) to my family for xmas, but usually that and/or small gifts (favorite candy or snack, etc re-up of favorite sock etc) .

ysette9

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #34 on: May 20, 2019, 01:06:18 PM »
Having went to friends' weddings around the country I've noticed a trend in traditions.


In the North, PA being the example I saw, the 'gift table' was mostly envelopes with cards in them. Some of those cards included checks. There were very few physical gifts, the couple didn't have a wedding registry, and they thought it would be tacky to request gifts.

In the South, many examples, the opposite happens. People are going to bring physical gifts, whether you want them or not, so unless you want a bunch of random stuff and 6 microwaves, you better have a wedding registry. Given that, registries are pretty common.
yes. I was raised Greek American. The most appropriate gift for a wedding is considered cash or equivalent (check). It's only relatively recently that registries are commonly used, but the older generation will still ignore the registry and gift cash.
It was a culture clash where my  MIL was horrified that I would often give cash or equivalent (giftcards) to my family for xmas, but usually that and/or small gifts (favorite candy or snack, etc re-up of favorite sock etc) .
When I married into my Chinese husband’s family we got a crap-ton of cash for wedding gifts. It was wonderful and generous and more than paid for our wedding dinner party. I really like the tradition now that we are busy with our kids and never seem to have time to prepare a gift for weddings, showers, and other parties. Just pull out a blank card and I write something nice, he draws something nice inside, and we stick cash in a pretty red envelope to go inside. It isn’t thoughtful or creative but at least it is never the wrong size.

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #35 on: May 20, 2019, 02:06:40 PM »
Having went to friends' weddings around the country I've noticed a trend in traditions.


In the North, PA being the example I saw, the 'gift table' was mostly envelopes with cards in them. Some of those cards included checks. There were very few physical gifts, the couple didn't have a wedding registry, and they thought it would be tacky to request gifts.

In the South, many examples, the opposite happens. People are going to bring physical gifts, whether you want them or not, so unless you want a bunch of random stuff and 6 microwaves, you better have a wedding registry. Given that, registries are pretty common.
yes. I was raised Greek American. The most appropriate gift for a wedding is considered cash or equivalent (check). It's only relatively recently that registries are commonly used, but the older generation will still ignore the registry and gift cash.
It was a culture clash where my  MIL was horrified that I would often give cash or equivalent (giftcards) to my family for xmas, but usually that and/or small gifts (favorite candy or snack, etc re-up of favorite sock etc) .
When I married into my Chinese husband’s family we got a crap-ton of cash for wedding gifts. It was wonderful and generous and more than paid for our wedding dinner party. I really like the tradition now that we are busy with our kids and never seem to have time to prepare a gift for weddings, showers, and other parties. Just pull out a blank card and I write something nice, he draws something nice inside, and we stick cash in a pretty red envelope to go inside. It isn’t thoughtful or creative but at least it is never the wrong size.
When my second child was born, a coworker of mine (I'd known him a long time), dropped off a red envelope with $100 inside.  (Yes, he's Chinese.)  It was very much appreciated.

When our *other* coworker got married a month later...I pulled the $100 bill out of the red envelope and put it into a wedding card, ha!

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #36 on: May 20, 2019, 07:45:07 PM »
I don't mind them either.  There's no law that you have to get anything off of them.  Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.  I also don't mind seeing things like the KitchenAid mixer.  It's a high quality kitchen staple that should last decades, making it mustachian in my book.  If it was for a relative, I'd probably ask one of my siblings if they wanted to go in on it.

What I do find stupid are registries full of toys or wheedling for somebody to fund a honeymoon.  I often just write a check and that money could be used for anything, but to me there's something crass about asking guests to fund a honeymoon.

My niece and her fiancee did the honeymoon thing, but I didn't think it was crass at all. They'd been living together for 4 years and really didn't need anything. They had a website for it, and it was very much a "we don't need gifts but if you really feel inclined" and then they had cute options for different dollar amounts = different aspects of their honeymoon (which will be sometime in the next year when I help them plan it). Her mom is a huge keeper/collector of things, just like my mom, so I get my niece's need to be more minimalist in contrast. They also had a very nice but well within their means wedding, at a beautiful venue for half the price on a Monday. This is the same niece who talks to us for financial advise/retirement planning already, so I have high hopes for her!

As for my KitchenAid stand mixer, I received it as a Christmas gift from my now-husband over 11 years ago, right before we got engaged. We try to cook a LOT from scratch and it is the best thing ever. 11+ years and it's still going strong. I love that thing. When we got married we did a registry but we had a wide range of things on it with multiple price points. We still use most of the things from our wedding gifts actually! No $600 for tablecloths (or any tablecloths...) though, dang.

Ditto on the Kitchen Aid! A bunch of my friends (10?) got together and got it for me as a wedding gift. We've been married 10 years this month and I use it multiple times a week. But there's a difference between a bunch of people getting one for someone who loves to bake and will use it vs just a show piece.

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #37 on: May 21, 2019, 08:37:10 AM »
A lot of people register for expensive gifts that they don't expect people to buy them.  They do it so they can use the "completion discount" at the store to get the item at a lower price. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with the practice, just that it is a thing.

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #38 on: May 21, 2019, 09:32:50 AM »
People are going to bring physical gifts, whether you want them or not, so unless you want a bunch of random stuff and 6 microwaves, you better have a wedding registry. Given that, registries are pretty common.


YES ^^^  After seeing a friend get three toaster ovens and my brother & sister-in-law get a bunch of fancy things they did not need at all - the husband and I made a registry.  We had one more traditional at Target with the few kitchen and house things we didn't already have.  The second was at REI since we really didn't need all that much of the kitchen and house stuff.  People really liked getting things from the REI list and it gets used all the time.

An outdoor store registry!!! Why didn't we think of that??? Our elders would have never let that be - back then appearance, appearances... A pair of quality hiking boots would have been much more appealing than a crystal serving bowl - that hasn't ever been used (in two decades).

ysette9

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Re: Wedding Registry
« Reply #39 on: May 21, 2019, 04:59:30 PM »
People are going to bring physical gifts, whether you want them or not, so unless you want a bunch of random stuff and 6 microwaves, you better have a wedding registry. Given that, registries are pretty common.


YES ^^^  After seeing a friend get three toaster ovens and my brother & sister-in-law get a bunch of fancy things they did not need at all - the husband and I made a registry.  We had one more traditional at Target with the few kitchen and house things we didn't already have.  The second was at REI since we really didn't need all that much of the kitchen and house stuff.  People really liked getting things from the REI list and it gets used all the time.

An outdoor store registry!!! Why didn't we think of that??? Our elders would have never let that be - back then appearance, appearances... A pair of quality hiking boots would have been much more appealing than a crystal serving bowl - that hasn't ever been used (in two decades).
That is such a brilliant idea. I wish I had known that an REI registry was a thing back when I got married!