Author Topic: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?  (Read 6224 times)

cats

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #50 on: September 07, 2017, 09:37:45 AM »
Just another thought...it seems you probably are doing meal planning, but are you making the plans visible to your husband?  We have a whiteboard next to the front door of our apartment that is used for scheduling chores and stuff.  I am *trying* to get in the habit of writing the meal plan for each week up there also.  I find on weeks when I remember to do that, my husband is more likely to do things to help with getting dinner on the table, because he knows what the plan is.  And it's nice (I think) to know that a particularly good meal is coming up at some point during the week, especially if tonight's meal is more ho-hum. In the case of your husband and kids, perhaps it would be worth setting up a similar board, but with some "flair" to make it more exciting.  Like different colored markers for each day, or writing out a fancier name for each meal (e.g. instead of "spaghetti", write "linguine noodles with marinara sauce, green salad with balsamic vinaigrette").  A lot of "fancy" food that you get at restaurants is really pretty basic stuff, with exotic names and packaging (as my husband pointed out once, "pizza margherita" can be viewed as just a snooty artisan way of saying "cheese on toast").

galliver

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #51 on: September 07, 2017, 12:36:54 PM »
I'll match you on a husband that doesn't like leftovers, and raise you a husband who also dislikes for crockpot cooked foods, dinners based on beans (without meat), and meals that contain more than 1/4 cup of starches, etc.

How you ladies deal with these men....sheesh.  Good on you.

I think sometimes statements like "SO doesn't like/eat ___" come across as an ultimatum that was made, but I think it's really based on wanting to please someone you love, within reason. I minimize my use of green beans, olives, mushrooms, pickles, sweet potato, gourds, and fresh tomatoes (vs sauce), except as sides that are easily substituted. On the flip side, he doesn't feed me pot roast and baked beans every chance he gets--I'm more the "no crockpot, no beans*" one in the relationship, and typically unenthused about soup, pork chops, cauliflower. But there are so many foods for which our tastes overlap that there doesn't seem good reason to make each other suffer (often)...

*...and for all that I would eat starches 24/7 if I could, my love for them conflicts with a love of having some semblance of waistline so I won't eat grains-heavy meals super-frequently (easy and cheap though they may be)...

Goldielocks

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #52 on: September 07, 2017, 04:58:16 PM »
Leftovers  Planned-overs.  Good planning, use of resources (including time).  OK, some things don't reheat well, they should be cooked in one meal quantities (having trouble thinking of examples).  Everything else, yay, no cooking!

And I am noticing a trend here - it is the non-cook of the couple who is doing all this random food consumption - it isn't their planning and work that is going unused.  Maybe they should be the cooks for a month or three (including shopping for the food)?  So they can start to appreciate the work that goes into menu planning and execution?

ooh.. the painful memories.  DH was a SAHP...   Memories of hovering between bad food, lots of heat and eat meals, take out, and no food on the table until I broke down and started to cook something at 7:30pm at night.  Like 15 minutes before the kids bedtime...     Sometimes when you give this task over to the other person,the answer is that the family just doesn't eat, or eats very odd tasting spaghetti sauce a lot. (jerk spice or mashed banana, or cocoa powder in the sauce...!)  .. with nachos for dinner every now and then when it wasn't steak, steak, steak.

AliEli

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #53 on: September 07, 2017, 06:22:45 PM »
This scenario sounds so much like what has been happening in my home. I don't know how to break the aversion to leftovers, and I'm sick of having to eat meat at every meal. I cook 99% of our food, but almost never cook the food I'd actually like to eat bc his highness can't be doing vegetarian 😠. I'm feeling extra cranky right now bc he went off sugar (including alcohol! And no eating out!) for a week last month and finally stopped snoring!!! But now he is back to what he was doing before and I have to deal with the consequences. Oh, and he gave me a lecture about how I ought to get more rest bc I'm looking tired.

But back to the OP - if hubby is in to efficiency, maybe explain that chronic lifestyle-induced conditions such as insulin resistant diabetes, kidney failure, fatty liver disease, and long-term excess weight would be exceedingly inefficient for him. And... how can he be sure that those restaurants aren't re-heating some of yesterday's ingredients?



DarkandStormy

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #54 on: September 08, 2017, 06:42:01 AM »
This scenario sounds so much like what has been happening in my home. I don't know how to break the aversion to leftovers, and I'm sick of having to eat meat at every meal. I cook 99% of our food, but almost never cook the food I'd actually like to eat bc his highness can't be doing vegetarian 😠. I'm feeling extra cranky right now bc he went off sugar (including alcohol! And no eating out!) for a week last month and finally stopped snoring!!! But now he is back to what he was doing before and I have to deal with the consequences. Oh, and he gave me a lecture about how I ought to get more rest bc I'm looking tired.

So you found someone unwilling to compromise this aspect of his left?

Meat is probably the most expensive food per calorie / per pound.  Eating processed meat is also a group 1 carcinogen according to the World Health Organization.
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elaine amj

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #55 on: September 08, 2017, 08:43:25 AM »
This is a touchy topic! my DH is on a super strict diet to improve his health - no sugar, little fruits, little salt, cook-from-scratch, avoid meat, dairy, and white starches. And he doesn't care much for beans/nuts. It's been insanely difficult cooking for him. On the flip side, he LOVES eating out and started eating out frequently.  It drives me bananas because obviously, all those darn restaurants are using plenty of the ingredients on his "forbidden" list. Plus he kept asking for us to go out to eat together and many times, I just honestly wanted to stay home and cook. ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!

I did finally give up making a fuss about it and just grumbled occasionally. Amazingly enough, he cut back after that and has been trying harder to eat at home. It's hard because although he is a decent cook, he gets irritated having to cook lunch for himself every day. I've been swamped with other stuff so have had no mental energy to prep lunch for him. Oh well - we eat pretty much every dinner at home. Have to pick my battles.
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CindyBS

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #56 on: September 09, 2017, 03:18:49 PM »

These guys (you, OP, and anyone else reading) were functioning adults before you met them? And couldn't find food in a refrigerator?  How??

When I met my husband he was 29 years old, living in an efficiency apartment that had no paper products except toilet paper.  The first time I opened the fridge it only contained a jar of mayo and a case of Coke.  There was also something small in the apartment - like 1 bag of chips.  He ate out for every. single. meal.   There was a plate in the sink that was growing mold that made a little "mold bridge" and connected it to the sink bottom.  Keep in mind this is after he made the place presentable for a woman he was trying to impress.   It is a stereotype, but my husband really was what I call a feral bachelor. 

Almost 20 years later, eating meals on a regular schedule was a huge accomplishment.  Eating left overs even more so.  I am still working on him "seeing things" in the fridge.  So many times he has said he wanted to eat leftover X,Y,Z (which I actually believe) - but he didn't "see it."   He still cannot cook anything that involves things like defrosting meat in advance, planning, etc.   

He operates on the theory of "Hmm, I am hungry - what do I want?"  Where as I think "Hmm, I'm hungry - what needs to be used up?" 

Some people, often people who also can't really cook - really do not get the idea of whole house food management and are stuck in the idea of I am eating this 1 meal. 

obstinate

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #57 on: September 09, 2017, 05:05:42 PM »
So long as its not ridiculous purchases (which for us is like $50 right now), I just chalk it up to marital happiness to just let it go. Especially if it isn't too frequent.

Yeah, it's all the time.  This was after he took the kids out to Subway for lunch Saturday, after he ordered takeout for him and the kids Saturday night, and after we went to the Renaissance Festival Sunday and (happily) dropped probably $60 on delicious treats.  Oh: and he eats lunch out every day at work.

Just frustrated.  I'm putting in a lot of work trying to get the grocery bills down, while still coming up with menus that contain the kind of variety he likes.  Just the teensiest bit of cooperation would be freaking awesome.
As a man who has in the past had difficulty navigating the refrigerator, I have some thoughts on this. Speaking only for myself, there was nothing noble or reasonable behind my reluctance to make my own way. It was just laziness. I allowed myself to be lazy about stuff like cooking and cleaning, and about trying new foods, and my wife allowed that for reasons that are her own. One of the many ways she is too good for me.

I don't really know what changed, but I have gotten a lot better about this stuff. I do 95% of the cooking now, so that's surely part of it. I've tried to make that my apology to her for the years I was more difficult.

On the leftover front, I normally eat them, but sometimes it's a meal I made that didn't thrill me. In cases like these, sometimes the simple fact is that I'd rather pop out to Chipotle or Subway than eat the leftovers, even if there is a delta cost there. I indulge myself from time to time on this since we are already FI.
« Last Edit: September 09, 2017, 05:16:22 PM by obstinate »

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #58 on: September 09, 2017, 05:22:56 PM »
So long as its not ridiculous purchases (which for us is like $50 right now), I just chalk it up to marital happiness to just let it go. Especially if it isn't too frequent.

Yeah, it's all the time.  This was after he took the kids out to Subway for lunch Saturday, after he ordered takeout for him and the kids Saturday night, and after we went to the Renaissance Festival Sunday and (happily) dropped probably $60 on delicious treats.  Oh: and he eats lunch out every day at work.

Just frustrated.  I'm putting in a lot of work trying to get the grocery bills down, while still coming up with menus that contain the kind of variety he likes.  Just the teensiest bit of cooperation would be freaking awesome.

I'm sorry.  That's awful.  My DW does do as you describe, but only once in a blue moon, and even then she wouldn't if I didn't say "sure, that's fine" and let her enjoy it.  (It keeps her happy, she stays frugal, and we both end better off.)  I can't imagine how frustrating that must be...

englishteacheralex

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #59 on: September 09, 2017, 06:11:57 PM »
There's stuff about my DH that drives me bonkers in my own marriage, too (just not this particular thing). I'm vaguely aware that there are things about me that drive him crazy, too. We've only been married 4 years, not 20.

I remember reading somewhere that all marriages actually contain "irreconcilable differences" and the successful ones have partners who are willing to just let the annoying stuff go. That's controversial advice, since some things are not a good idea to just "let go", but when both parties are acting in good faith and are equally committed to the relationship, I think it's helpful.

"Letting it go" is easier said then done, I've found. Strategies: focusing on the good instead of the bad, remembering my own irritating stuff that he's dealing with gracefully, and, um...alcohol? Selective hearing? The occasional blow-up followed by a thoughtful though passionate discussion of how things should have been dealt with differently? And...gratitude for a relatively successful long-term relationship (I was single for a loooong time).

I think dumplings are a pretty good metaphor for just one of those things that kinda sucks but whatever, if you're gonna be in a long-term relationship, something is gonna suck.
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Cranky

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #60 on: September 10, 2017, 05:59:56 AM »
My dh will eat leftovers, but he gets them for lunch most days. Left to his own devices, he will eat cheese and crackers rather than heat something up for dinner. But if *I* heat it up and arrange it neatly on a plate, he's fine with it. And he's a LOT less picky than he was when we met 40 years ago.

But he does like to eat out more than I do (which, admittedly, isn't a high bar, because I don't love eating out) and I think it's because he's able to eat slightly junkier food then. So, I'm trying to add in an occasionally junky item just for him - last week I bought a bag of tater tots, and you'd think he'd won the lottery!

Hula Hoop

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #61 on: September 10, 2017, 06:37:11 AM »
I would throttle him, yes.  This brought back bad memories of a guy I dated in college who had no idea how to cook.  I think his mother had done everything for him growing up.  One of my main criteria for dating was always "is this guy a fully formed adult who can look after himself?" and, weirdly enough I've had 4 serious relationships in my lifetime (last one is my husband) and all have been good cooks and housekeepers apart from the one in college that I mentioned above.  It wasn't that they were born knowing how to shop, cook and clean just that I never did it all and so they learned.  My husband apparently didn't do any chores around the house growing up (he was the only boy) but he does a ton now. 

Anyway it sounds like your husband never learnt shopping, cooking and household management.  It sounds like it's time for him to learn so how about he takes over cooking a couple of nights a week and also does shopping?  And no takeout doesn't count.

Hula Hoop

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #62 on: September 10, 2017, 06:53:13 AM »
There's stuff about my DH that drives me bonkers in my own marriage, too (just not this particular thing). I'm vaguely aware that there are things about me that drive him crazy, too. We've only been married 4 years, not 20.

I remember reading somewhere that all marriages actually contain "irreconcilable differences" and the successful ones have partners who are willing to just let the annoying stuff go. That's controversial advice, since some things are not a good idea to just "let go", but when both parties are acting in good faith and are equally committed to the relationship, I think it's helpful.

"Letting it go" is easier said then done, I've found. Strategies: focusing on the good instead of the bad, remembering my own irritating stuff that he's dealing with gracefully, and, um...alcohol? Selective hearing? The occasional blow-up followed by a thoughtful though passionate discussion of how things should have been dealt with differently? And...gratitude for a relatively successful long-term relationship (I was single for a loooong time).

I think dumplings are a pretty good metaphor for just one of those things that kinda sucks but whatever, if you're gonna be in a long-term relationship, something is gonna suck.

I agree - I didn't want to imply in the commend above that my marriage is perfect because it's not.  I've been married for 10 years only and living together for 13 years.  Luckily husband and I generally see eye to eye on money.  He's actually probably more moustachian than me because he grew up poor.  BUT on thing that could drive me crazy is that he doesn't agree with investing money in the stock market (I do index funds mainly like most mustachians) - some kind of irrational fear of losing everything and as I mentioned he grew up poor - but I just handle the finances and keep quiet about it. 

penguintroopers

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #63 on: September 10, 2017, 06:31:11 PM »
So long as its not ridiculous purchases (which for us is like $50 right now), I just chalk it up to marital happiness to just let it go. Especially if it isn't too frequent. He's making a lot of our household income right now, so if he wants to spend it on something like dumplings because that's what he wants at the time, I buy him the stupid dumplings.



Oh, penguin... your post made me so mad!    Why on earth should he buy dumplings because he earns more?!   I will admit to scenes like Laura33's in our home, regularly, but even when the income was 100% me and 0% him, the emotions about letting the DH have the damn dumplings (Sushi here) are the same -- just let him buy more toys / junk / entertainment etc because he earns more money?!   Because he wants them and you love him and don't want to be THAT spouse?!  Don't you realize that argument never works in reverse, and it is not just a gender thing?

Budgets are budgets for a reason.

(snip)

I think my original message was misspoken. Hubby makes most of the income, but rarely asks for things. Asking for things is his opportunity to include himself in the finer details of the budget. While we agree to x amount in y category, he generally leaves me to execute that in whatever way I see fit. I do 100% of the grocery shopping (and really, just about every type of purchases in general). If he never asked for anything, he wouldn't get things he would need or want. Keeping with the dumplings, we have $100/mo for eating out or $200/mo for groceries. If he asked for dumplings, I would just figure which way to obtain them for him.

His requests have two general qualities that make them better in my opinion:

1. requests are infrequent.
2. requests do not bust the budget category.
« Last Edit: September 10, 2017, 06:41:42 PM by penguintroopers »

Zikoris

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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #64 on: September 10, 2017, 09:05:34 PM »
This thread makes me glad my boyfriend eats pretty much anything. I do a few things to make it easier for him, regardless:

1. After cooking, I portion leftovers out into individual containers immediately.
2. His food has a specific spot in the fridge. The top shelf is only for bread and leftovers. Everything right of the breadline is his, everything left of the breadline is mine. We discussed this recently, and he was confident he could manage this 100% blind.
3. I make stuff he really likes.
4. I bulk-cook a wide variety of stuff on the weekends, so he has lots of options to pick from and doesn't have to eat the same stuff over and over.
5. I have a very minimal and organized fridge. It's impossible for anything to get lost or forgotten.

I'm a hyper-organized kitchen-nazi anyway, so none of the above requires any real effort on my part.
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Re: So, how do you not throttle your beloved DH?
« Reply #65 on: September 10, 2017, 10:56:14 PM »
Oh, Zikoris, I had forgotten about your breadline!  :)
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