After my divorce last year, I decided to not buy "all the house (apartment) I can" but rather keep it on the smaller side, while still letting my sons have enough space/their own rooms. This is both to not have too high living costs, but also because I want to live more minimalistic as it suits my personality. So I have a foldable sofa bed in the living room, which is something I have slept for long periods before (1yr+) so I know it works for me, I am the type of person who folds it away every morning.
Also, the place is in a very good area, great communications, good food store walking distance, a park right outside, great neighbours etc and the apartment is in a very good shape, all walls newly painted, lots of light coming in.
So my sister, who is single, no kids, making quite a lot of money, and spend it all... she has this need to tell me how I should live my life.
This conversation happens about once a month:
Sis: you know you have to move to a bigger place soon
Me: No, I am not planning to do that
S: you know who have to have another room, you will not like to live like this
M: I think I will, as I have done it before, and I have done it now for some months, and I like it. And if I feel I really want to, I have the possibility to buy something bigger, so it's absolutely my own choice, but for now, I am very happy with this
S: you cannot live like this, you will see soon
M: (changing subject)
I have said that I am planning to retire earlier than standard, without giving any details. She knows I am good at managing money and saving
So, in another conversation:
M: I plan to retire earlier than 65 yrs
S: well I know you said so before, but it is not possible
M: this is what I plan
S: well, now when you have kids, it's absolutely not doable
M: (changing subject)
I am a bit tired that she
a) knows so much about what is finacially possible or not, while still borrowing money from our parents
b) know so much about how I should live my life and how I will feel about the choices I have made
c) cannot keep quiet, but feel she has to tell me off over and over again...
A fellow I worked with taught me this many decades ago and it stuck with me because it's universally applicable.
It's
The Wendelken Law of Pain Management.
The Law applies whenever there is a long running problem between people or groups of people. If simple niceness hasn't already solved the problem, it's because those who cause the pain don't care and they are not those who feel the pain. The way to solve the problem is to transfer the pain back to the person who caused it.
To keep things in proper perspective, you have:
(a) repeatedly tried to nicely handle this and
(b) she has repeatedly ignored your request and
(c) she thinks she has a license to negatively comment on how you run your life and
(d) you are rightly damned tired of it.
Always be nice. If hinting nicely doesn't work, be direct and blunt. Nicely, but direct and blunt.
The following advice only applies when being nice simply does not work. That's a shame, but remember, it's the other person's choice that being nice doesn't work.
If you haven't been nicely blunt enough yet, I'll start off with a simple suggestion the next time these conversations come up:
"I have heard your opinion on this before. I do not choose to hear it again. We are done with this topic forever."
That's remaining nice but direct. It's blunt. You're acknowledging receipt of their advice, you haven't attacked them or their advice. you're saying you've made your decision and the matter is closed. This is nicely blunt. No one should doubt your wishes after this statement.
It probably won't work but it's there as a sop to your conscience.
Follow up with, "I SAID we are done with this topic. Shut up."
Follow up with "
What part of SHUT THE FUCK UP DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!"
Follow up with, "There is the door. You may leave my home. Come back when you remember your manners." Adapt as needed to however/whenever/wherever these conversations happen.
This may or may not work, but it has the virtue of (a) possibly solving the problem promptly and (b) privately and (c) leaving them in no doubt about your position. In other words, if it doesn't solve the problem then they have been warned.
If they persist, then it's time to REALLY transfer the pain back. In ANY AND ALL social settings, it is imperative that you discuss your sister's inability to manage her finances properly. It must be done in a way that everyone in the setting eventually understands that your sister cannot handle her finances responsibly and is acting as a leech on your parents, thus endangering the safety of your parent's retirement. You must point out how irresponsible and childish and selfish and dangerous and cruel and unloving and, well, you get the idea. There's no shortage of adjectives your sister will not like attached to her and they all apply.
Examples:
"I think it's shameful how you leech off of mom and dad for money. It's so selfish! Don't you realize that if you keep doing that they won't have enough to live on for retirement? Do you want our parents to go hungry because you won't live within your means? I thought you loved our parents, but I guess you don't since you keep leeching off of them." Etc. There are endless variations on this theme.
If you sister tries to deflect, just respond with, "I'll stop discussing this topic when you respect my choice of topics I do not wish to discuss."
This is an example of transferring the pain back to the person causing the problem. If this doesn't work, then find another pain point and apply it. Vigorously.
You could, of course, start the first iteration of a conversation like this in private. That would be the nice thing to do.
If you're not willing to transfer the pain back, then learn to live with these conversations, because they won't stop unless you get lucky and your sister gets bored by them.
Oh by the way, if your sister does take the hint and stop bringing up those topics, expect her to switch to a different set of belittling commentaries on your lifestyle choices. Bullies are like that. The response is to raise an eyebrow, look them dead square in the eye and hold that gaze with intensity, and calmly ask, "Are we going to start discussing each other's lifestyle choices again?" Don't look away until they do.