Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 2512536 times)

Plina

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6050 on: October 17, 2020, 09:03:45 AM »
I donít understand parents that support their adult kids that are able to work. Why would you like to ruin your kids like that? My parents told us that after high school either you work or study, but you donít have the option to be lazying around at home and be supported by us. They have helped out in form of loans that we had to pay back or if they were forgiven the other siblings got an equivalent amount of cash.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6051 on: October 17, 2020, 09:47:53 AM »
I donít understand parents that support their adult kids that are able to work. Why would you like to ruin your kids like that? My parents told us that after high school either you work or study, but you donít have the option to be lazying around at home and be supported by us. They have helped out in form of loans that we had to pay back or if they were forgiven the other siblings got an equivalent amount of cash.

I don't either.

I knew a guy in college who was a complete bum.  Various people would take him under their wing and try to help him out only to discover he was a lazy shit.  Mea culpa, I fell for it too.

Friends of mine gave him a couch to sleep on.  His rent was to, and I quote, "take a shower every day".    It was too much effort for him to do.

While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

I don't blame them.

I learned an important lesson from him.  Don't help people more than they are willing to help themselves.

Roadrunner53

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6052 on: October 17, 2020, 09:58:58 AM »
My only guess on my neighbor and his boys is that when he was married to their mother, she was a wretched drunk. They had nasty scream fests out in the yard about her drinking. They, at one point, were just living together. She had gotten arrested a bunch of times for DUI, put in the slammer. Her license was revoked. She would walk miles to a liquor store to get hooch. She went to rehab so many times the insurance wouldn't pay for it anymore. She appeared in public a drunken stumble bum and embarrassed her kids when they were in school. So, I think the Dad has tried to over compensate for what humiliation she put them through. However, that was a long time ago and time for little boys in their mid 20's to grow up. The Dad needs to grow up too.

saguaro

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6053 on: October 17, 2020, 10:24:30 AM »
So, I think the Dad has tried to over compensate for what humiliation she put them through. However, that was a long time ago and time for little boys in their mid 20's to grow up. The Dad needs to grow up too.

To the bolded:  Agree, both the boys and the Dad need to grow up.   Dad is too afraid to set the boundaries and the boys are more than willing to live like teenagers even though they are in their 20s.  It's unfortunate that all of them were negatively impacted by their mother and in a way it's understandable that Dad is trying to make things up to them, but sending them the message that it's OK to walk over Dad when he makes the reasonable request for them to start pitching in is not making up for that.

An ex boyfriend of mine was being completely supported by his grandparents into his later 20s.   And all because he had "such a terrible childhood".   Which he honestly did and it was pretty tragic what he experienced but still let's just say he milked that for all it was worth and family was too afraid to set boundaries.   And one of the reasons why I broke up with him.   I was working my butt off to get through college while he was not making any financial contribution to his education (or anything for that matter) because of "his problems" and yet wanted to get married, with no idea of how we would support ourselves other than "we can move into my grandparents' basement apartment".   No way.

ETA: My parents also required that after high school, we work or go to school, preferably school but when my sisters dropped out of college, they went to work.   No sitting around for us. 
« Last Edit: October 17, 2020, 10:34:12 AM by saguaro »

Roadrunner53

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6054 on: October 17, 2020, 11:03:36 AM »
SwordGuy, have you ever seen that guy you helped out and did he ever straighten out?

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6055 on: October 17, 2020, 11:40:01 AM »
SwordGuy, have you ever seen that guy you helped out and did he ever straighten out?
@Roadrunner53 , I moved out of town and other than telling this story, never gave the guy another thought.

Just asked a friend of mine about it.   Said the fellow moved out of town ages ago, showed up on FB a few years back, and died about 5 years ago.   He said the guy seemed more normal from what little he saw on FB, but then, one never knows the truth about folks from FB.

That's what I got.

Roadrunner53

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6056 on: October 17, 2020, 11:52:06 AM »
So, I think the Dad has tried to over compensate for what humiliation she put them through. However, that was a long time ago and time for little boys in their mid 20's to grow up. The Dad needs to grow up too.

To the bolded:  Agree, both the boys and the Dad need to grow up.   Dad is too afraid to set the boundaries and the boys are more than willing to live like teenagers even though they are in their 20s.  It's unfortunate that all of them were negatively impacted by their mother and in a way it's understandable that Dad is trying to make things up to them, but sending them the message that it's OK to walk over Dad when he makes the reasonable request for them to start pitching in is not making up for that.

An ex boyfriend of mine was being completely supported by his grandparents into his later 20s.   And all because he had "such a terrible childhood".   Which he honestly did and it was pretty tragic what he experienced but still let's just say he milked that for all it was worth and family was too afraid to set boundaries.   And one of the reasons why I broke up with him.   I was working my butt off to get through college while he was not making any financial contribution to his education (or anything for that matter) because of "his problems" and yet wanted to get married, with no idea of how we would support ourselves other than "we can move into my grandparents' basement apartment".   No way.

ETA: My parents also required that after high school, we work or go to school, preferably school but when my sisters dropped out of college, they went to work.   No sitting around for us.

What got me is when spoiled older son left the house in a hissy fit and claimed he could live free elsewhere but came home to do his laundry. He probably has no clue that people go to laundromats to do clothes washing. Mid twenties and beyond spoiled and immature. When I was their age I was married a few years already, had a full time job and my Hub and I built our home from the ground up. Living with my parents was not in the picture and I wanted out as soon as possible!

saguaro

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6057 on: October 17, 2020, 01:19:22 PM »
So, I think the Dad has tried to over compensate for what humiliation she put them through. However, that was a long time ago and time for little boys in their mid 20's to grow up. The Dad needs to grow up too.

To the bolded:  Agree, both the boys and the Dad need to grow up.   Dad is too afraid to set the boundaries and the boys are more than willing to live like teenagers even though they are in their 20s.  It's unfortunate that all of them were negatively impacted by their mother and in a way it's understandable that Dad is trying to make things up to them, but sending them the message that it's OK to walk over Dad when he makes the reasonable request for them to start pitching in is not making up for that.

An ex boyfriend of mine was being completely supported by his grandparents into his later 20s.   And all because he had "such a terrible childhood".   Which he honestly did and it was pretty tragic what he experienced but still let's just say he milked that for all it was worth and family was too afraid to set boundaries.   And one of the reasons why I broke up with him.   I was working my butt off to get through college while he was not making any financial contribution to his education (or anything for that matter) because of "his problems" and yet wanted to get married, with no idea of how we would support ourselves other than "we can move into my grandparents' basement apartment".   No way.

ETA: My parents also required that after high school, we work or go to school, preferably school but when my sisters dropped out of college, they went to work.   No sitting around for us.

What got me is when spoiled older son left the house in a hissy fit and claimed he could live free elsewhere but came home to do his laundry. He probably has no clue that people go to laundromats to do clothes washing. Mid twenties and beyond spoiled and immature. When I was their age I was married a few years already, had a full time job and my Hub and I built our home from the ground up. Living with my parents was not in the picture and I wanted out as soon as possible!

This may sound awful, but honestly once the older son left in a huff that was Dad's chance to hold him (the older son) to his decision and let him deal.   I might have gone so far as to change the locks.

Same here, when I was that age I was married, out of the house, working, no house yet but that was OK.   No way did I want to go back to living with my folks, it was not an option for me even if it meant living out of my car.   

Roadrunner53

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6058 on: October 17, 2020, 02:29:42 PM »
This may sound awful, but honestly once the older son left in a huff that was Dad's chance to hold him (the older son) to his decision and let him deal.   I might have gone so far as to change the locks.

Same here, when I was that age I was married, out of the house, working, no house yet but that was OK.   No way did I want to go back to living with my folks, it was not an option for me even if it meant living out of my car.
[/quote]

I think the Dad thought it was a bit humorous and probably figured his son would come crawling home sooner or later.


Playing with Fire UK

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6059 on: October 18, 2020, 01:04:52 AM »
While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

That's one way to deal with it. I can understand the impulse.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6060 on: October 18, 2020, 02:37:10 AM »
While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

That's one way to deal with it. I can understand the impulse.
Yes, much easier than just talking to him.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6061 on: October 18, 2020, 08:13:46 AM »
While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

That's one way to deal with it. I can understand the impulse.
Yes, much easier than just talking to him.

Maybe I forgot to mention this part of the story.   At one point the people I was renting a room from let him stay on the couch because he had no money, no job, and nowhere else to go.   Room and board and his only rent was "take a shower each day".

And he couldn't be bothered to pay his rent.

What was there to talk about?    Seriously, how could you have a rational, useful conversation that would lead to actual positive results with someone like that?

Do you think they never tried?   

former player

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6062 on: October 18, 2020, 08:59:02 AM »
While he was away at college his parents moved to a new town and left no forwarding address.

That's one way to deal with it. I can understand the impulse.
Yes, much easier than just talking to him.

Maybe I forgot to mention this part of the story.   At one point the people I was renting a room from let him stay on the couch because he had no money, no job, and nowhere else to go.   Room and board and his only rent was "take a shower each day".

And he couldn't be bothered to pay his rent.

What was there to talk about?    Seriously, how could you have a rational, useful conversation that would lead to actual positive results with someone like that?

Do you think they never tried?
That seems to have been a joke about English reticence on emotional and family matters that got lost in translation. Sorry.

Just Joe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6063 on: October 20, 2020, 10:20:07 AM »
It happens. I know two 40s MEN (boys) who live at home b/c neither of them can hold down a job. At one time both made a good living. Mental illness? Parenting failure?

Sugaree

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6064 on: October 22, 2020, 09:18:56 AM »
How about the family member that pawned an expensive chainsaw over the summer.  He's now paid twice as much in interest as he borrowed and nearly as much as it would cost to go out and buy a new one.