Author Topic: Relatives who just don't get it  (Read 2648522 times)

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6200 on: January 22, 2021, 04:39:21 PM »
So sorry to hear this @Cassie but sounds like you have a good handle on the current reality and are moving forward. Best of luck to you in your rebuilding.

Agreed!!!   

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6201 on: January 22, 2021, 05:25:11 PM »
 @Cassie sending good thoughts your way as you rebuild your life.

SunnyDays

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6202 on: January 22, 2021, 08:29:49 PM »
@Cassie, Iím also sorry to hear of your divorce, but glad it was accomplished with a minimum of fuss.

I wonder why he changed so much?  Iíve always thought that a person becomes more of what theyíve always been, but thatís clearly not the case here.  Maybe the loss of testosterone does a number on some menís brains.

Dicey

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6203 on: January 23, 2021, 12:08:46 AM »
Cassie,
I think we're both in the 55+ age range, and I'm also divorced, so here's some unsolicited advice if you're open to it:  consider getting a place in a 55+ community.  There's plenty of built-in companionship opportunities, and most of those places have some sort of association and clubhouse with plenty of activities.
Almost like being back on a college campus except it's for seniors. 

I know you'll need time to grieve the loss of this relationship but just know that there are lots of us internet strangers who have been through this and similar things, and we'd all like to see you enjoy your life.  Best to you.
Bonus points if it's a new community where everyone is moving in at about the same time and looking to make new friends. Our rentals are in a 55+ community and we find that people are actually looking to establish new friendships and have the time to pursue them. Great suggestion, @LaineyAZ!

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6204 on: January 24, 2021, 07:08:57 AM »
Locally all the 55 + communities are built in the suburbs as thatís where the empty land is. Even if the price was more reasonable it makes you car dependent. I only looked at condos that have walkable neighborhoods close to groceries, restaurants, etc in case I eventually canít drive. Also even if I cannot walk to those places it would be a short uber ride.  Some people drive until they die and some donít.  I want this to be my last move so trying to think about all the challenges I have seen seniors experience.

snacky

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6205 on: January 24, 2021, 07:26:22 AM »
Cassie, I don't think such long relationships constitute any kind of failure. Having the sense to exit a situation when it becomes irredeemable is a very good thing, as is so carefully planning your next move. I think you're great.

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6206 on: January 24, 2021, 08:08:21 AM »
Thanks Snacky. My only short marriage was the one I had at 18. We were both too young and then had a baby. He was in the military and away from family support.  After 3 years he cheated and I took my son and left. It would have lasted longer if not for the cheating but he was too immature to be married.  I intend to look forward and enjoy whatís left of my life. My third relationship was so good that I married him after living with him for 6 years.  We had some great times and awesome trips to Europe and other places.  Y this marriage also gave me a wonderful step son whom I am close to.  We really never know what life holds. 

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6207 on: January 24, 2021, 11:13:33 AM »
Locally all the 55 + communities are built in the suburbs as thatís where the empty land is. Even if the price was more reasonable it makes you car dependent. I only looked at condos that have walkable neighborhoods close to groceries, restaurants, etc in case I eventually canít drive. Also even if I cannot walk to those places it would be a short uber ride.  Some people drive until they die and some donít.  I want this to be my last move so trying to think about all the challenges I have seen seniors experience.

I served a year on our city's mass transit citizen advisory committee back in 2007 or thereabouts.

If you live within a certain radius of a city bus route and the bus system is partially funded by the federal government, they have to provide service to you at your door if you're disabled and can't get to the bus stop.   It's called paratransit services.  I don't remember the exact radius and it might have changed in the last 13 years anyway.

Your local city bus service will have current details.

My city didn't have a light rail system so I have no idea if the same type of rule applies to them.

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6208 on: January 24, 2021, 12:08:13 PM »
I spent half of my career working with people with disabilities. Our bus service for them leads much to be desired. People miss their appointments all the time. Personally where I bought my condo I can walk, drive, ride the bus or uber. I donít want to be dependent on a crappy service.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6209 on: January 24, 2021, 01:36:19 PM »
I spent half of my career working with people with disabilities. Our bus service for them leads much to be desired. People miss their appointments all the time. Personally where I bought my condo I can walk, drive, ride the bus or uber. I donít want to be dependent on a crappy service.

This is definitely a situation where "your mileage may vary", but I felt it important to get the info out there.  Not a lot of people even know it's an option.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6210 on: January 24, 2021, 05:42:34 PM »
I spent half of my career working with people with disabilities. Our bus service for them leads much to be desired. People miss their appointments all the time. Personally where I bought my condo I can walk, drive, ride the bus or uber. I donít want to be dependent on a crappy service.

This gave me a giant headache when I worked at dialysis. The poor people have to go to the courthouse to buy tickets for the bus, then they have to book 24 hours in advance. It frequently gets delayed/cancelled due to weather. Drivers don't wait very long either if the patient doesn't come to the door fast enough. We had to cut treatments short a lot of times if they were late because they still had to be out there for the ride home.

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6211 on: January 24, 2021, 05:45:44 PM »
Is there some reason Uber or Lyft couldn't work for these people?

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6212 on: January 24, 2021, 07:04:25 PM »
Is there some reason Uber or Lyft couldn't work for these people?

They would, but they charge more than a bus ticket.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6213 on: January 24, 2021, 07:05:51 PM »
Is there some reason Uber or Lyft couldn't work for these people?

They would, but they charge more than a bus ticket.

Actually, not always true.  Not everyone can get in/out of a regular car and few, if any, uber/lyft drivers will be trained to assist them where and how needed.

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6214 on: January 24, 2021, 07:43:33 PM »
Is there some reason Uber or Lyft couldn't work for these people?

They would, but they charge more than a bus ticket.

Actually, not always true.  Not everyone can get in/out of a regular car and few, if any, uber/lyft drivers will be trained to assist them where and how needed.

That makes sense, especially for people in wheelchairs and others with impaired physical mobility.

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6215 on: January 24, 2021, 08:06:44 PM »
In addition people with disabilities often have much lower income because of discrimination in the workplace, costs of medical devices, services needed, etc. Vocation rehabilitation is a federal program operated by the states to help people with disabilities obtain employment. Itís free for most people because itís funded by taxes. This program was created because of the dismal employment figures for this population.

Rural

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6216 on: January 24, 2021, 08:16:54 PM »
Is there some reason Uber or Lyft couldn't work for these people?


There is no uber, lyft, or taxi service here, but there's one paratransit van (and one dialysis place).

Just Joe

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6217 on: January 24, 2021, 08:36:17 PM »
Locally all the 55 + communities are built in the suburbs as thatís where the empty land is. Even if the price was more reasonable it makes you car dependent. I only looked at condos that have walkable neighborhoods close to groceries, restaurants, etc in case I eventually canít drive. Also even if I cannot walk to those places it would be a short uber ride.  Some people drive until they die and some donít.  I want this to be my last move so trying to think about all the challenges I have seen seniors experience.

We have a friend living at the Villages in Florida. The community has a big box grocery, hardware store, hospital, smaller shops all over, etc. And golf carts are welcome on all the roads. And - - - no license required to drive those golf carts. We visited a while back and I was impressed with it. Kind of universally Caucasian and boomer but whatever. TONs of clubs and activities. In fact there is a small newspaper printed regularly.

Don;t think it is for DW and I (not our scene) but I'm glad for our friend.

Dicey

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6218 on: January 24, 2021, 09:24:42 PM »
Locally all the 55 + communities are built in the suburbs as thatís where the empty land is. Even if the price was more reasonable it makes you car dependent. I only looked at condos that have walkable neighborhoods close to groceries, restaurants, etc in case I eventually canít drive. Also even if I cannot walk to those places it would be a short uber ride.  Some people drive until they die and some donít.  I want this to be my last move so trying to think about all the challenges I have seen seniors experience.

We have a friend living at the Villages in Florida. The community has a big box grocery, hardware store, hospital, smaller shops all over, etc. And golf carts are welcome on all the roads. And - - - no license required to drive those golf carts. We visited a while back and I was impressed with it. Kind of universally Caucasian and boomer but whatever. TONs of clubs and activities. In fact there is a small newspaper printed regularly.

Don;t think it is for DW and I (not our scene) but I'm glad for our friend.
Paging @pbkmaine...

Zamboni

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6219 on: January 24, 2021, 10:41:13 PM »
As someone who relied on public transit for many years, I'll say this:

The convenience of the bus is a myth propagated by people who don't have to take the bus everywhere.

Elderly and/or disabled and reliant on the bus? I can tell you from my brief time being bus-reliant while recovering from a ruptured achilles tendon: it's horrible. Totally horrible. Don't ever do that to yourself.

Sure, it works fine if you are young and spry and using it only to commute to work at times that buses run frequently. But, if you need it for things like medical appointments and shopping at odd hours, it's a total drag and time waster even in cities with good systems.

bigblock440

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6220 on: January 25, 2021, 06:26:11 AM »
Locally all the 55 + communities are built in the suburbs as thatís where the empty land is. Even if the price was more reasonable it makes you car dependent. I only looked at condos that have walkable neighborhoods close to groceries, restaurants, etc in case I eventually canít drive. Also even if I cannot walk to those places it would be a short uber ride.  Some people drive until they die and some donít.  I want this to be my last move so trying to think about all the challenges I have seen seniors experience.

We have a friend living at the Villages in Florida. The community has a big box grocery, hardware store, hospital, smaller shops all over, etc. And golf carts are welcome on all the roads. And - - - no license required to drive those golf carts. We visited a while back and I was impressed with it. Kind of universally Caucasian and boomer but whatever. TONs of clubs and activities. In fact there is a small newspaper printed regularly.

Don;t think it is for DW and I (not our scene) but I'm glad for our friend.

Considering the youngest of the silent generation is 75 and the oldest Gen-x'er is 55, yes, you'd expect a 55+ community to be almost entirely boomers.  Just like you'd expect a college campus to be almost entirely whatever comes after millennials (gen-z, zoomers, etc.).

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6221 on: January 25, 2021, 06:28:52 AM »
Zamboni, our clients were exhausted and beaten down by having to use just buses even the paratransit that came to their door. People often had to go hours early to a appointment to guarantee getting there on time. Our 55+ communities do not have everything like the villages.  Anyway I have a huge support system here between friends and one of my sons so would never move plus wonderful weather. We are a big retirement destination hence our high real estate prices. Soon I will walk out my front door to restaurants, movies, events and the river walk and beautiful park with my doggies. I am super excited to move in but probably a month away.

pachnik

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6222 on: January 25, 2021, 11:41:43 AM »
Zamboni, our clients were exhausted and beaten down by having to use just buses even the paratransit that came to their door. People often had to go hours early to a appointment to guarantee getting there on time. Our 55+ communities do not have everything like the villages.  Anyway I have a huge support system here between friends and one of my sons so would never move plus wonderful weather. We are a big retirement destination hence our high real estate prices. Soon I will walk out my front door to restaurants, movies, events and the river walk and beautiful park with my doggies. I am super excited to move in but probably a month away.

Cassie, I am excited about your new life.   

Cassie

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6223 on: January 25, 2021, 11:47:13 AM »
Thanks Pachnik!!

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6224 on: January 25, 2021, 01:25:10 PM »
I lived in France for a year and used busses extensively. A bus system can work really well, but we donít have anything close to that in the US.

Sugaree

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6225 on: January 26, 2021, 05:31:21 AM »
I lived in France for a year and used busses extensively. A bus system can work really well, but we donít have anything close to that in the US.

I never thought I'd have a favorite public transportation system until I spent a week using the Metro in Paris.

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6226 on: January 26, 2021, 05:40:22 AM »
I lived in France for a year and used busses extensively. A bus system can work really well, but we donít have anything close to that in the US.

I never thought I'd have a favorite public transportation system until I spent a week using the Metro in Paris.

The Paris metro was my favorite too, until I travelled to Singapore.

« Last Edit: January 26, 2021, 05:43:40 AM by Adventine »

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6227 on: January 26, 2021, 06:33:39 AM »
I lived in France for a year and used busses extensively. A bus system can work really well, but we donít have anything close to that in the US.

I never thought I'd have a favorite public transportation system until I spent a week using the Metro in Paris.

The Paris metro was my favorite too, until I travelled to Singapore.

I'm in the Netherlands and I use public transit all the time, including to my many hospital appointments in a different city. We don't have a car (or driver's licenses) No problem at all.

It's a shame it doesn't work like that in other countries, especially as disabled and people with chronic illnesses are both statistically less likely to drive and less likely to have a long-term relationship.

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6228 on: January 26, 2021, 06:46:55 AM »
@Imma Once this pandemic dies down, I'm looking forward to another Europe visit. One of my main criteria for choosing where to go will be the ease of public transportation.

(Says someone who will soon be obliged to live without decent public transportation and have to learn how to drive on heart-attack-inducing American highways)

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6229 on: January 26, 2021, 06:58:57 AM »
@Imma Once this pandemic dies down, I'm looking forward to another Europe visit. One of my main criteria for choosing where to go will be the ease of public transportation.

(Says someone who will soon be obliged to live without decent public transportation and have to learn how to drive on heart-attack-inducing American highways)

I have travelled all over Europe by train and that's pretty easy in many countries. Even outside urban areas. Countries where travelling by public transportation is easy: the Netherlands, Belgium, Germany, UK, southern Sweden, southern Finland, Prague (did not visit the rest of the Czech Republic). It was more difficult to get around in rural Ireland. Urban Ireland is fine. Rural UK is much less rural than Ireland so was generally fairly ok. Will bring a bike on the Eurostar next time I'm visiting the UK. I wouldn't ecommend riding a bike in very urban areas there but I would feel comfortable cycling in rural areas. You do see Brits cycling in the cities but it looks extremely scary to me (and as a Dutchie I'm generally very comfortable on a bike).

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6230 on: January 26, 2021, 07:01:48 AM »
@Imma thanks, adding all those places to my wishlist!

the_hobbitish

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6231 on: January 26, 2021, 07:05:29 AM »
I loved the metro system in Tokyo. It goes everywhere and is very easy to navigate even with the language barrier.

Adventine

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6232 on: January 26, 2021, 07:08:00 AM »
Back on topic: I love my sisters but they simply do not understand my reasons for keeping my old, low end smartphone. They know I can easily afford a new high-end phone, just that I'm too cheap to do so.

I regularly brush them off with a cheerful, "I could, but I have other priorities" and a big smile. Like clockwork, they make sulky sounds, roll their eyes, and go back to browsing Instagram on their own phones that cost twice or thrice as mine.

I keep smiling and return to reading my library e-books on my own beat up phone.

This has been going on for years.

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EDIT as I hit post at the same time as @the_hobbitish : Tokyo is another entry on my travel bucket list. And New Zealand in general, to fulfill my 15 year old LOTR--related dreams.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2021, 07:11:00 AM by Adventine »

snacky

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6233 on: January 26, 2021, 07:25:59 AM »
Mexico city has fantastic public transit. I was surprised and extremely pleased.

RWD

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6234 on: January 26, 2021, 07:35:15 AM »
I loved the metro system in Tokyo. It goes everywhere and is very easy to navigate even with the language barrier.
EDIT as I hit post at the same time as @the_hobbitish : Tokyo is another entry on my travel bucket list. And New Zealand in general, to fulfill my 15 year old LOTR--related dreams.
The train system in Japan is incredible. We visited in 2019 and it blew me away (and I was expecting it to be good). We went all over Tokyo and also took the Shinkansen to Kyoto and Hiroshima. Went as far out as Kure by rail. It just goes everywhere and the trains are nearly constant. Miss a train? No problem, just wait a couple minutes. Even the Shinkansen is leaving every 5-10 minutes (in whichever direction you might want to go from Tokyo).

eyesonthehorizon

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6235 on: January 26, 2021, 09:43:38 AM »
Taipei's metro railway was impeccably clean, bright, timely, & safe, plus incredibly easy to use. Public transit doesn't have to suck; it just does in the US for many of the same reasons social services do - strategic underfunding as "motivation" to "upgrade" to commuter car culture. Lots of arguments that bus-users don't contribute to roadway maintenance via gasoline tax (though I'd imagine it's priced into a bus ticket....)

mm1970

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6236 on: January 26, 2021, 10:47:14 AM »
Sword guy, at 66 I will not be marrying or cohabitating again. I am in the process of buying a condo for myself. Since both my second and third marriages lasted over 20 years not complete failures. People change over time. My third marriage was super happy until the last 10 years.  It was a downhill progression of him hoarding, lying, being so lazy he did nothing all traits he didnít have previously. I posted on a retirement forum and the stories people tell how their spouses changed in old age are astounding. I would have stayed if it wasnít for the cheating.  Mostly itís women reporting how grumpy their husbands have gotten.

Lainey, I have a big friend group and the 55 communities are much too expensive where I live. Actually I am not sad at all and looking forward to living by myself with my 2 little doggies. I will no longer be anyoneís maid. The divorce was final last week in only 3 days and relief is the only thing I feel. At one point I was more in love with him than I have been with anyone but the 10 years of stress slowly killed it.  I think he was confident that I wouldnít leave him. Heís not happy that itís over.
@Cassie Sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders.

I'm 50, and I have  LOT of friends who are older.  I became a quilter at 30, met a lot of wonderful women my mom's age, and so now they are in their 60s and 70s (and 80s).

Most of them are single/ divorced.  One of them used to tell me "after my 3rd divorce I realized that I didn't need to be married to get laid."  They are especially happy to not have to be maids to others. 

I find it fascinating to study and read about the needs of older people.  I've read that older men prefer marriage and cohabitation because that is their social interaction, whereas older women tend to have friends.  I find this to be true in my own marriage, and it's been that way since our 30s.

Also, I've watched some elderly people change as they age, and it's weird.  Sometimes unpredictable.  My mother became an alcoholic.  My father was fine - always kind of grumpy anyway, and would just be alone or hang out with friends.  My stepfather is very social, so he mostly keeps up with family and now has a lady friend he talks to on the phone. 

My husband's grandparents - paternal grandparents got really negative and difficult.  His maternal grandmother was a lovely lady and social and lovely until the end.  She lived in a city (Copenhagen) in a retirement community and had a lot of social interaction.

I can see the advantage to a place like The Villages (I was literally googling that 2 days ago for some reason), because I like to walk and swim.  However, if I had to choose, I'd probably choose a condo in the city to retire.  As it is, our house is small and in a burb.  We'll retire here most likely.

Some of my older friends have had luck in retirement communities that have their own vans to get them to the doctor or to the grocery store.

pachnik

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6237 on: January 26, 2021, 11:05:14 AM »
Sword guy, at 66 I will not be marrying or cohabitating again. I am in the process of buying a condo for myself. Since both my second and third marriages lasted over 20 years not complete failures. People change over time. My third marriage was super happy until the last 10 years.  It was a downhill progression of him hoarding, lying, being so lazy he did nothing all traits he didnít have previously. I posted on a retirement forum and the stories people tell how their spouses changed in old age are astounding. I would have stayed if it wasnít for the cheating.  Mostly itís women reporting how grumpy their husbands have gotten.

Lainey, I have a big friend group and the 55 communities are much too expensive where I live. Actually I am not sad at all and looking forward to living by myself with my 2 little doggies. I will no longer be anyoneís maid. The divorce was final last week in only 3 days and relief is the only thing I feel. At one point I was more in love with him than I have been with anyone but the 10 years of stress slowly killed it.  I think he was confident that I wouldnít leave him. Heís not happy that itís over.
@Cassie Sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders.

I'm 50, and I have  LOT of friends who are older.  I became a quilter at 30, met a lot of wonderful women my mom's age, and so now they are in their 60s and 70s (and 80s).

Most of them are single/ divorced.  One of them used to tell me "after my 3rd divorce I realized that I didn't need to be married to get laid."  They are especially happy to not have to be maids to others. 

I find it fascinating to study and read about the needs of older people.  I've read that older men prefer marriage and cohabitation because that is their social interaction, whereas older women tend to have friends.  I find this to be true in my own marriage, and it's been that way since our 30s.

Also, I've watched some elderly people change as they age, and it's weird.  Sometimes unpredictable.  My mother became an alcoholic.  My father was fine - always kind of grumpy anyway, and would just be alone or hang out with friends.  My stepfather is very social, so he mostly keeps up with family and now has a lady friend he talks to on the phone. 

My husband's grandparents - paternal grandparents got really negative and difficult.  His maternal grandmother was a lovely lady and social and lovely until the end.  She lived in a city (Copenhagen) in a retirement community and had a lot of social interaction.

I can see the advantage to a place like The Villages (I was literally googling that 2 days ago for some reason), because I like to walk and swim.  However, if I had to choose, I'd probably choose a condo in the city to retire.  As it is, our house is small and in a burb.  We'll retire here most likely.

Some of my older friends have had luck in retirement communities that have their own vans to get them to the doctor or to the grocery store.

Interesting stuff here mm1970.   A person can become an alcoholic at any age for sure.  It seems unusual to me too but I know it isn't. 

I am 56 and my husband is 63.  I am lots of his social interaction but he's also close to one brother that lives fairly close.   And I am on the look out for friends since my closest friend's mental illness took over her life.  Very tragic.  I stay in touch as she is able which isn't very much.  So, on the lookout!

Plina

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6238 on: January 26, 2021, 02:00:06 PM »
Sword guy, at 66 I will not be marrying or cohabitating again. I am in the process of buying a condo for myself. Since both my second and third marriages lasted over 20 years not complete failures. People change over time. My third marriage was super happy until the last 10 years.  It was a downhill progression of him hoarding, lying, being so lazy he did nothing all traits he didnít have previously. I posted on a retirement forum and the stories people tell how their spouses changed in old age are astounding. I would have stayed if it wasnít for the cheating.  Mostly itís women reporting how grumpy their husbands have gotten.

Lainey, I have a big friend group and the 55 communities are much too expensive where I live. Actually I am not sad at all and looking forward to living by myself with my 2 little doggies. I will no longer be anyoneís maid. The divorce was final last week in only 3 days and relief is the only thing I feel. At one point I was more in love with him than I have been with anyone but the 10 years of stress slowly killed it.  I think he was confident that I wouldnít leave him. Heís not happy that itís over.
@Cassie Sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders.

I'm 50, and I have  LOT of friends who are older.  I became a quilter at 30, met a lot of wonderful women my mom's age, and so now they are in their 60s and 70s (and 80s).

Most of them are single/ divorced.  One of them used to tell me "after my 3rd divorce I realized that I didn't need to be married to get laid."  They are especially happy to not have to be maids to others. 


Also, I've watched some elderly people change as they age, and it's weird.  Sometimes unpredictable.  My mother became an alcoholic.  My father was fine - always kind of grumpy anyway, and would just be alone or hang out with friends.  My stepfather is very social, so he mostly keeps up with family and now has a lady friend he talks to on the phone. 

My husband's grandparents - paternal grandparents got really negative and difficult.  His maternal grandmother was a lovely lady and social and lovely until the end.  She lived in a city (Copenhagen) in a retirement community and had a lot of social interaction.



I love the conclusion I donít need to get married to get land. Go girl! My mothers acquitances ask if I have a partner and my mothers response was that I donít  want to become someones maid. The reply from the older ladies was: she is so right!

About the negativity, in my experience it is often related to limited interaction with others or lack of purpose or things to do.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6239 on: January 26, 2021, 02:06:49 PM »
I lived in France for a year and used busses extensively. A bus system can work really well, but we donít have anything close to that in the US.

I never thought I'd have a favorite public transportation system until I spent a week using the Metro in Paris.
I love love love the metro in Paris.

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6240 on: January 26, 2021, 02:33:57 PM »
Sword guy, at 66 I will not be marrying or cohabitating again. I am in the process of buying a condo for myself. Since both my second and third marriages lasted over 20 years not complete failures. People change over time. My third marriage was super happy until the last 10 years.  It was a downhill progression of him hoarding, lying, being so lazy he did nothing all traits he didnít have previously. I posted on a retirement forum and the stories people tell how their spouses changed in old age are astounding. I would have stayed if it wasnít for the cheating.  Mostly itís women reporting how grumpy their husbands have gotten.

Lainey, I have a big friend group and the 55 communities are much too expensive where I live. Actually I am not sad at all and looking forward to living by myself with my 2 little doggies. I will no longer be anyoneís maid. The divorce was final last week in only 3 days and relief is the only thing I feel. At one point I was more in love with him than I have been with anyone but the 10 years of stress slowly killed it.  I think he was confident that I wouldnít leave him. Heís not happy that itís over.
@Cassie Sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders.

I'm 50, and I have  LOT of friends who are older.  I became a quilter at 30, met a lot of wonderful women my mom's age, and so now they are in their 60s and 70s (and 80s).

Most of them are single/ divorced.  One of them used to tell me "after my 3rd divorce I realized that I didn't need to be married to get laid."  They are especially happy to not have to be maids to others. 

I find it fascinating to study and read about the needs of older people.  I've read that older men prefer marriage and cohabitation because that is their social interaction, whereas older women tend to have friends.  I find this to be true in my own marriage, and it's been that way since our 30s.

Also, I've watched some elderly people change as they age, and it's weird.  Sometimes unpredictable.  My mother became an alcoholic.  My father was fine - always kind of grumpy anyway, and would just be alone or hang out with friends.  My stepfather is very social, so he mostly keeps up with family and now has a lady friend he talks to on the phone. 

My husband's grandparents - paternal grandparents got really negative and difficult.  His maternal grandmother was a lovely lady and social and lovely until the end.  She lived in a city (Copenhagen) in a retirement community and had a lot of social interaction.

I can see the advantage to a place like The Villages (I was literally googling that 2 days ago for some reason), because I like to walk and swim.  However, if I had to choose, I'd probably choose a condo in the city to retire.  As it is, our house is small and in a burb.  We'll retire here most likely.

Some of my older friends have had luck in retirement communities that have their own vans to get them to the doctor or to the grocery store.

Retirement communities aren't really a thing in my country but I'd move to one in a heartbeat. Today.

I live in a perfect location in the city - close to everywhere I need to go and also close to public transit - but what I really miss about the city is the lack of community. People live here for a while and move on. I've joined lots of clubs and activities and it's fun, but it's hard to form lasting friendships. I'm in a craft group too and after two years I'm one of the most senior members of the group. People move away for work or to a LCOL area to have a family or they're expats and they just go home. And we are childless - a lot of my old friends form new friendship groups through their children's activities, and none of them still live in this area. We still meet up every now and then and have fun but we're not as close as we used to be. I don't really meet childless women in their 30s that often. I don't need tons of extremely close friends but I'd like to have a few friends, not vague acquintances, who live locally.

My s/o has a lot of friends, but men bond differently it seems. They just drink beer and watch a game. He'll go and meet his friends and when he comes back I'll ask how friend's wife or kids are doing he'll just say they didn't discuss that at all.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6241 on: January 26, 2021, 06:51:12 PM »
Retirement communities aren't really a thing in my country but I'd move to one in a heartbeat. Today.

I live in a perfect location in the city - close to everywhere I need to go and also close to public transit - but what I really miss about the city is the lack of community. People live here for a while and move on. I've joined lots of clubs and activities and it's fun, but it's hard to form lasting friendships. I'm in a craft group too and after two years I'm one of the most senior members of the group. People move away for work or to a LCOL area to have a family or they're expats and they just go home.


My mom moved to one of those gated communities for seniors.   There was a lot of turnover there too.   The difference is rather important.   Although you can visit with people who leave either community, none of the folks leaving hers could talk back.   There was a constant stream of people dying. 

OtherJen

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6242 on: January 26, 2021, 08:50:15 PM »
I loved the metro system in Tokyo. It goes everywhere and is very easy to navigate even with the language barrier.
EDIT as I hit post at the same time as @the_hobbitish : Tokyo is another entry on my travel bucket list. And New Zealand in general, to fulfill my 15 year old LOTR--related dreams.
The train system in Japan is incredible. We visited in 2019 and it blew me away (and I was expecting it to be good). We went all over Tokyo and also took the Shinkansen to Kyoto and Hiroshima. Went as far out as Kure by rail. It just goes everywhere and the trains are nearly constant. Miss a train? No problem, just wait a couple minutes. Even the Shinkansen is leaving every 5-10 minutes (in whichever direction you might want to go from Tokyo).

Yeah, we had no problems in any of the Japanese cities we visited. We bought JR Passes before we traveled and took the shinkansen from Kobe to Hiroshima and back and from Kyoto to Tokyo, and smaller lines in all four cities (and from Tokyo Station to Narita Airport on the last day). It was so easy. I don't really recommend traveling the Tokyo loop during rush hour unless you enjoy feeling like a sardine, but it was fine. One night, we ended up at the last stop on the last train of the night on a line on the opposite side of downtown Tokyo from our hostel. Even that transfer was easy.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6243 on: January 26, 2021, 09:37:28 PM »
Sword, thatís the depressing part of retirement communities. You hear ambulance sirens all the time. Seeing so many people die would be depressing.

Imma

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6244 on: January 27, 2021, 02:27:55 AM »
Sword, thatís the depressing part of retirement communities. You hear ambulance sirens all the time. Seeing so many people die would be depressing.

I guess that's one of the hard parts about aging in general, although of course in a retirement community it would be more visible. Everyone you know starts to die. A wise older relative once told me : getting old is fun but being old is not. She only had a few people left who called her by her first name and half of those had Alzheimer's.

We are in our 30s and our parents are in their 60s. 3 of my 4 grandparents led long and healthy lives so I wasn't expecting that the physical decline would start so early for my own parents. All of our parents have struggled with life-threatening illness already and only one is completely back to good health. And my parents still have years to go before they reach official retirement age (67) . I see it around us too, every year at least one of our friend loses a parent.

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6245 on: January 27, 2021, 05:01:14 AM »
Is there some reason Uber or Lyft couldn't work for these people?

Some of them, maybe. Uber and lyft have only been available in my city for a couple of years. We have medical transportation companies too but not everyone qualifies to have these covered (I'm not sure of the criteria there, we had social workers to set this up.)

 In addition to being able to get in a car, you have to have a smart phone and be able to see well enough to use it. A lot of people on dialysis are also visually impaired or have other disabilities that make it hard to use a smart phone. I saw a lot of flip phones there.

SwordGuy

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6246 on: January 27, 2021, 06:29:09 AM »
Sword, thatís the depressing part of retirement communities. You hear ambulance sirens all the time. Seeing so many people die would be depressing.

I guess that's one of the hard parts about aging in general, although of course in a retirement community it would be more visible. Everyone you know starts to die. A wise older relative once told me : getting old is fun but being old is not. She only had a few people left who called her by her first name and half of those had Alzheimer's.

We are in our 30s and our parents are in their 60s. 3 of my 4 grandparents led long and healthy lives so I wasn't expecting that the physical decline would start so early for my own parents. All of our parents have struggled with life-threatening illness already and only one is completely back to good health. And my parents still have years to go before they reach official retirement age (67) . I see it around us too, every year at least one of our friend loses a parent.

That's one of the reasons why we have hobbies that young people also like.  It helps us find new friends that are younger.

Plina

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6247 on: January 27, 2021, 09:36:29 AM »
Sword guy, at 66 I will not be marrying or cohabitating again. I am in the process of buying a condo for myself. Since both my second and third marriages lasted over 20 years not complete failures. People change over time. My third marriage was super happy until the last 10 years.  It was a downhill progression of him hoarding, lying, being so lazy he did nothing all traits he didnít have previously. I posted on a retirement forum and the stories people tell how their spouses changed in old age are astounding. I would have stayed if it wasnít for the cheating.  Mostly itís women reporting how grumpy their husbands have gotten.

Lainey, I have a big friend group and the 55 communities are much too expensive where I live. Actually I am not sad at all and looking forward to living by myself with my 2 little doggies. I will no longer be anyoneís maid. The divorce was final last week in only 3 days and relief is the only thing I feel. At one point I was more in love with him than I have been with anyone but the 10 years of stress slowly killed it.  I think he was confident that I wouldnít leave him. Heís not happy that itís over.
@Cassie Sounds like you have a good solid head on your shoulders.

I'm 50, and I have  LOT of friends who are older.  I became a quilter at 30, met a lot of wonderful women my mom's age, and so now they are in their 60s and 70s (and 80s).

Most of them are single/ divorced.  One of them used to tell me "after my 3rd divorce I realized that I didn't need to be married to get laid."  They are especially happy to not have to be maids to others. 

I find it fascinating to study and read about the needs of older people.  I've read that older men prefer marriage and cohabitation because that is their social interaction, whereas older women tend to have friends.  I find this to be true in my own marriage, and it's been that way since our 30s.

Also, I've watched some elderly people change as they age, and it's weird.  Sometimes unpredictable.  My mother became an alcoholic.  My father was fine - always kind of grumpy anyway, and would just be alone or hang out with friends.  My stepfather is very social, so he mostly keeps up with family and now has a lady friend he talks to on the phone. 

My husband's grandparents - paternal grandparents got really negative and difficult.  His maternal grandmother was a lovely lady and social and lovely until the end.  She lived in a city (Copenhagen) in a retirement community and had a lot of social interaction.

I can see the advantage to a place like The Villages (I was literally googling that 2 days ago for some reason), because I like to walk and swim.  However, if I had to choose, I'd probably choose a condo in the city to retire.  As it is, our house is small and in a burb.  We'll retire here most likely.

Some of my older friends have had luck in retirement communities that have their own vans to get them to the doctor or to the grocery store.

Retirement communities aren't really a thing in my country but I'd move to one in a heartbeat. Today.

I live in a perfect location in the city - close to everywhere I need to go and also close to public transit - but what I really miss about the city is the lack of community. People live here for a while and move on. I've joined lots of clubs and activities and it's fun, but it's hard to form lasting friendships. I'm in a craft group too and after two years I'm one of the most senior members of the group. People move away for work or to a LCOL area to have a family or they're expats and they just go home. And we are childless - a lot of my old friends form new friendship groups through their children's activities, and none of them still live in this area. We still meet up every now and then and have fun but we're not as close as we used to be. I don't really meet childless women in their 30s that often. I don't need tons of extremely close friends but I'd like to have a few friends, not vague acquintances, who live locally.

My s/o has a lot of friends, but men bond differently it seems. They just drink beer and watch a game. He'll go and meet his friends and when he comes back I'll ask how friend's wife or kids are doing he'll just say they didn't discuss that at all.

I have also experienced the same thing as a childfree. You become an outsider in many cases when your friends have kids and you donít have. And frankly, some women also become real bores. It seems like they canít keep anything more than their kids in their brain. Some people are still fun to be with and are more than mothers. It is those that you keep in contact with.

Dicey

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6248 on: January 27, 2021, 09:48:55 AM »
Mexico city has fantastic public transit. I was surprised and extremely pleased.
This just triggered a memory. As a young teen, I took a trip to Mexico City with my Girl Scout troop. We thought we were too cool and didn't want to wear our uniforms. Early in the trip, we rode the subway in civilian clothes at rush hour. For most of us California girls, it was our first subway experience and we were thrilled at the novelty. When we got off at our stoop, one of the girls burst into tears. Seems someone in the very crowded car had been pressed up against her and fondling her ass. She was so shocked, she froze and did nothing. We were outraged, because we would have jumped to her defense had she uttered a peep. Thereafter, we all wore our uniforms everywhere and were treated with utmost respect, even in the subway at rush hour. To be fair, this could have happened in lots of places. It was a priceless lesson for us all.

mm1970

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Re: Relatives who just don't get it
« Reply #6249 on: January 27, 2021, 10:05:03 AM »
Retirement communities aren't really a thing in my country but I'd move to one in a heartbeat. Today.

I live in a perfect location in the city - close to everywhere I need to go and also close to public transit - but what I really miss about the city is the lack of community. People live here for a while and move on. I've joined lots of clubs and activities and it's fun, but it's hard to form lasting friendships. I'm in a craft group too and after two years I'm one of the most senior members of the group. People move away for work or to a LCOL area to have a family or they're expats and they just go home.


My mom moved to one of those gated communities for seniors.   There was a lot of turnover there too.   The difference is rather important.   Although you can visit with people who leave either community, none of the folks leaving hers could talk back.   There was a constant stream of people dying.
My husband's grandmother lived to be almost 92, and it really did get sad that she started losing all her bridge partners.  A constant stream of friends dying for the last 10 years.